Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™

Productively Focusing Job Interview-Performance Anxiety: Transforming “Perfection” into Purpose, Patience and Possibility

2011-12-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

[This article was written with the permission and in consultation with the below-mentioned phone-coaching client.]

Once again, through the wonder of the Internet, I've had a chance to connect with a bright, insightful and articulate individual. Our email interaction began when Barbara, (a fictional name), discovered one of my writings, and we now periodically exchange ideas. Married and in her 40s, Barbara is a government employee, an HR professional for a mid-sized, Mid-Atlantic city. She’s been an in-house consultant to the police department for a number of years. Recently, Barbara has applied for a management position in the department. However, her application is hardly a slam-dunk. Assigned to the police department, as an HR employee she’s seen as an outsider, and also viewed as a “worker bee,” not necessarily management material. (As a government employee, Barbara has not been a full-time manager, though in her consulting position she has been involved in management activities such as recruiting and performance review.)

In light of the job application uncertainty, Barbara inquired about a phone coaching session with the “Stress Doc.” Having had a number of successful coaching experiences, I was delighted to get started. The voice-to-voice encounter only confirmed and further elucidated my impression gleaned from the written word. Clearly, this was a very competent and “likes to get things done” woman who nonetheless had some issues with performance anxiety. (Barbara believes she has a good relationship with the Police Chief. She herself did not mention gender bias as a cause for job interview concern, though, in light of the specific department and the ultimate group interview gauntlet, one cannot entirely dismiss the possibility.)

Another factor noted in her self-questioning was a double-edged relationship with a father who had a somewhat perfectionist personality. While Barbara’s father was a model for high-achievement striving, perhaps another consequence was the oft-hovering voice, “Prove yourself!” And sometimes, such a voice (or, at least, our internalized version) is never fully satisfied, resulting in a seemingly Greek God-like mythological drama. With strained (mental) muscles and perspiring brow, you quietly curse the huge, precarious boulder, pushing and exhorting it up the mountain…alas, never quite reaching the summit. Unable to defy the forces of gravity (nor the angry gods), the boulder invariably reverses course, and rumbles down to the base. Still, not one to give up easily, once again you screw up the courage for the daunting – if not Sisyphean – task ahead.

Actually, Barbara successfully jumped a number of preliminary hoops in the interview process, which crawled on for several months. Finally, notification arrived that she had earned a ticket to the group interview arena. And again Barbara emailed for another coaching session.

Birds of a Feather – Freeze, Fly High and Finally Learn to Focus

Barbara quickly revealed a mature and rational side: “No matter what happens with the interview, I’m glad I went through the process.” She learned much from the experience, including strengths and vulnerabilities of key decision-makers in the department, and articulated heretofore insufficiently recognized facets and talents. She felt more visible. Still, the odds were not necessarily in her favor; Barbara believed there typically is a preference for an “outside” candidate. This reminded me of the old saw about a “consultant”: “Someone who’s an expert from somewhere else.”

At the same time, angst was apparent with the plan for her husband to videotape an interview rehearsal. Something in my gut and memory bank said this was overkill. I agreed with the idea of practice trials and feedback from her husband. My concern about the videotape was having Barbara become so self-conscious about her appearance, gestures and other nonverbals, so caught up in a memorized script, that her quite evident knowledge and experience, her personal-professional stories, would not naturally flow.

To make sure I wasn’t simply projecting, I shared with Barbara my “stage fright” experience taping my first health segment for Cox Cable, New Orleans in the ‘80s. Totally self-preoccupied, I spoke in thirty second bursts and then my brain would freeze. This scenario was repeated several times before I mercifully completed the segment. Just as I was ready to flee the scene, one of the cameramen suggested we review the tape. He cut off my face-saving protest with, “Don’t worry, we’ll be able to use this for our blooper special.”

“Thanks, pal.” Actually, through the magic of TV editing the final product was only half bad. (As we left the production truck, I’ll never forget the producer’s closing words: “I don’t expect perfection…just improvement each week.” Along with a silent sigh of relief, she also got my attention.) And my health segment continued for two seasons. Still, I didn’t want Barbara to unnecessarily put herself in such a self-conscious space.

Becoming a Wise, Not Just a Wily Coyote

Another performance stress association came to mind: this time, helping a trial attorney harness his anxiety when presenting before a jury. While still winning many of his court cases, he was becoming increasingly self-conscious and self-doubting. (He too had a perfectionist father, though his could be rather critical.) I recalled how this attorney (let’s call him John), would try to hide his angst with a bold opening argument. This approach proved a dysfunctional ploy; within a minute, being an “impostor” was the overriding self-perception. The image I shared was of the cartoon characters Roadrunner and Wily Coyote. The Coyote is chasing Roadrunner to the edge of a cliff. The roadrunner leaps off and the “Not So Wily One” does the same. And for a few seconds, Old Wily is pumping furiously with bravado, still expecting to capture his nemesis when, suddenly, he looks down. Now, big trouble panic races across the Coyote’s face…as he crashes down to earth.

I had to help this attorney learn to start with more moderate and realistic expectations, to be more genuine, that is, to help him understand that some performance anxiety is actually necessary for productive focus and heightened performance. Revealing some start-up anxiety is not unnatural, unmanly or self-defeating. Even Olympic ice skaters don’t lead with a triple axel. One warms-up with easier moves and then “slowly but surely” builds momentum.

I recalled how John said to me, with too much intensity in his voice, “Mark if I can just do what we’ve discussed, I know I’ll do well.” I immediately confronted John’s rigid and perfectionist tone, and reaffirmed that I just wanted him to gradually, to more gently apply some of the tools and techniques. He didn’t have to hammer out mastery all at once. And, in fact, John eventually reported doing much better in the courtroom. His exact words: “If I don’t get anything else out of this therapy, it will have been worth it!”

Laughing at the “Birds of Worry”

In a follow-up email, Barbara indicated that the Roadrunner story and an old Chinese aphorism, also shared on the phone, had been particularly helpful. The aphorism goes as follows: “That the birds of worry fly above your head, this you cannot help. That they build nests in your hair, this you can do something about!” (I recall the pithy saying evoking hearty laughter. Perhaps Barbara was already anticipating the sage observation of psychiatrist, Ernst Kris: What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at. And as the Stress Doc inverted: What was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!)

Apparently, Barbara’s (nest-free) interview performance reflected her talents and experience, along with the meaningful practice and emotional integration. Perhaps she was also feedback-fortified with a quick boost of focus and confidence. While waiting for the final verdict, she had already received some informal positive feedback from members of the interview committee. (I’ll keep you posted on her job search journey.)

Hopefully, this article will help you get a better handle on anxiety and on applying tools for enhancing self-perception and presentation no matter the performance arena. Feel free to email or call if you’d like more info on a voice-to-voice/coaching perspective. Best wishes and good adventures for the New Year. And, of course…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Taking Kaleidoscopic AIM: Designing a Matrix for “Cognitive-Communication” Consciousness

2011-12-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

Summary

In our “Hyper-Speed Digital” (HSD) world, the medium is not just shaping the message but also the messenger, along with the mentality of over messaged-stimulated masses. Attention span appears to be shrinking across the age spectrum; many people seem to talk faster and louder, often blurting out the first thing that comes up. This is called “shooting from the lip,” a hasty if not hostile mode of messaging only outdone in dysfuntionality by shooting from the finger tips, that is, sending an angry text or email. Whatever the medium, too often the messaging process reflects the convoluted internal command: Ready…Fire…Aim!

After noting the aforementioned communicational barriers, “Ten Tips for Professional-Productive Communication and Consensus,” are outlined. These tips are the ingredients of “head and heart” communication that:
a) information that is effective and efficient as well as emotionally engaging, b) overcomes interactive barriers to understanding and c) helps build consensual bridges. The “Top Ten” introduces “Four ‘C’s of Civilized Communication” (clarity, concision, calm and conviction). The “Four Civilizing C”s provides a platform for the “Seven ‘C’s of Conscious ‘Cognitive-Communication’” (or clarity, concision, calm, and conviction as foundation for higher level cognition-communication – comedy, complexity and contextual processing).

These concepts are aligned with a tool for people who want to be more inspiring – purposeful, passionate and powerful – communicators, educators, managers and leaders, whether formally titled or not. More specifically, a sketch of a model has been presented for taking “Kaleidoscopic AIM” through “An ‘Action-Intention-Meaning’ (AIM) Matrix for Dynamic-Integrated Leadership: A Conceptual Tool for Expanding Cognitive-Communication Consciousness.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In our “Hyper-Speed Digital” (HSD) world, the medium is not just shaping the message but also the messenger, along with the mentality of over messaged-stimulated masses. One obvious example: attention span appears to be shrinking across the age spectrum. However, I’m also noticing overdrive speech patterns, especially for the generations who have grown up with the Internet and Social Media (that is, Internet Natives in contrast to us older Generational Slugs, actually, Internet Immigrants, according to Nick Bolton technology blogger for the New York Times and author of I Live in the Future & Here’s How It Works, 2010). People just seem to talk faster, (also louder), as if they are racing to get their words in (or heard) before the other party’s ever restless radar is distracted elsewhere or simply tunes out. (Or perhaps it’s just my hearing that’s slowing as, in my sixth decade, I more consciously ebb and flow between moving smartly and purposefully as per my foundational New York/East Coast mode and mentally meandering “out of the creative closet” and into my “American in Cajun Paris,” “N’Awlins/Big Easy” mode.)

In addition to the speech rate, I’m also aware of multi-generational hyper-tendencies – individuals frequently blurting out the first thing that comes up. I was going to say “comes to mind,” but I think certain cerebral circuits are being bypassed: people are simply “shooting from the lip.” More and more, especially when engaged in intense discussion or disagreement, my sense is that people are reflexively following their own silent and internal convoluted command: Ready…Fire…Aim! There’s too much electronic, scattershot, “shoot first, ask questions later” messaging. Once feeling provoked or disrespected, you’re gunning for or putting down perceived antagonists or competitors; inflating one’s self-importance at another’s expense may or not be premeditated. For example, while you expect some testiness (and testosterone) in a Presidential Primary Debate, Mitt Romney’s “$10,000 bet/challenge” in reaction to Rick Perry’s repeated criticism, instantly becomes a “shoot from the lip” classic.

Four “C”-ing Communication

In general, communication short on forethought, flexibility and focus is communication not concerned with the other person’s (or ironically sometimes your own) content and context; it is an exchange not attuned to fears and frustrations, as well as needs, hopes and dreams. In the heat of civilized interpersonal battle, being “ready” and having a thoughtful “aim” before firing – speaking clearly, concisely, calmly when possible, and with conviction is vital. Let’s call this being a “Four ‘C’-ing Civilized Communicator.” And for extra credit, I’ll add a fifth “C” – an ability to employ a wise over a smart “comic” touch, that is, a capacity for emotionally aware and empathic “healing humor.”

And while it’s not always possible to be calm when confronted or challenged, one can be psychologically or passionately responsive instead of reactive. For example, imagine you are in an argument, perhaps over politics or whether a movie was worth seeing, and the other party suddenly tires of the logical back and forth. Consider the impact of each of these two-word declarations. Can you hear and feel the difference between “You’re wrong” (said with a judgmental tone) as compared to “I disagree” (declared with energy and conviction; or perhaps with a tad more tact, “I see it differently”)? “I disagree” meets our “Four ‘C’” criteria: clear, concise, mostly calm and said with conviction. “You’re wrong” shifts the focus from addressing the issue to attacking the individual in a manner that is aggressive, condescending and dismissive. See my article, “Two Communicational Tools Providing Perspective, Patience and Presence: Message and Mantra for Transforming Reaction into Response.”) A pattern of impulsive, random or overkill “firing” tends to elicit defensive reactivity, “getting even,” or just plain shutdown. Especially when the purpose and goal of your message exchange involve motivation-, trust- and relation-building, you don’t want to dumb down or numb out, to silence, intimidate or inflame.

From Lips to Tips

Unless, of course, the communication strategy for avoiding “shooting from the lips” is shooting from the tips, that is, the finger tips, by sending a text or email. Clearly, this is a dangerous option as anger – self-righteous or otherwise – can so easily insinuate itself into and contaminate your message. (Okay, I concede the point; you can more safely give an antagonist the finger.) Remember, an electronic message is devoid of face-to-face nonverbal cues; a reader can’t see your body language or readily detect a “just kidding” tone. And emoticons don’t count as contextual information in a heated, sensitive or ego-driven exchange. Whatever the medium, the use or equivalent of “just kidding” after jabbing the other party can easily confound if not contaminate the communication process. Your words may now be a “mixed message” with dubious results, unless patterns of humor and trust have been clearly established.

Actually, you can outsmart yourself with excessive verbal flourishes or fireworks, if you will, whether on page or stage. There is so much smoke and mirrors wordplay (especially if you are enchanted by your own colorful ideas and imagery) that key points or the core message may be lost in too elaborate or self-indulgent word artistry or argument. (The Stress Doc pleads guilty as charged, and intends to mend some of his ways. More pithy patter, anyone?)

And finally, the other problem when a person chronically deals with conflict electronically is that you’re being a wimp. Rather than walking ten feet to speak directly to a colleague, I’ve heard stories of employees shooting e-missiles, I mean emails, at one another through their adjacent office walls. It’s why I say the “e” in email stands for escape! (Hey, this punch-line not only elicits predictable laughter but often generates out loud cheering from an audience.) Here’s my “Wimp to Warrior Conflict Engagement Scale”: Text-Email-Phone-(depending on the image of that Skype call, I’m not sure this is a major evolutionary step for problem-solving-kind) and, finally, Face-to-Face.

Ten Tips for Professional-Productive Communication and Consensus

Summarizing the above, in today’s HSD times, for “head and heart” communication, a) to be truly informational as well as emotionally effective and efficient, and for the communication, b) to overcome interactive barriers to understanding and c) to help build consensual bridges, the messaging process must be:
1. clear and concise,
2. respectful and real,
3. responsible and responsive; (email stressdoc@aol.com for the article, “The Four “R”s of PRO Relating”),
4. open and timely, that is, candid and courageous communication needs to occur in close proximity of the conflict triggering event, and
5. at some point, especially when dealing with emotional conflict, the exchange needs to be at least voice-to-voice, though face to face is preferable. (And sometimes you will need a third party or mediator when egos are too injured or inflated and battle-lines are intractable.)

The exchange also needs to:
6. slow down enough to move less at the speed of light and more at the pace and “ebb and flow” rhythm of sound,
7. reverberate through mutual venting, curious and patient questioning-listening and responsive problem-solving feedback; such collaborative back and forth, a) loosens rigid or fixed positions, b) helps adversaries negotiate some ”starting point” or “common ground understanding” that c) acknowledges if not begins to engage the essential needs, frustrations, hopes and goals of all parties and, finally, d) helps individuals to be meaningfully seen and heard (i.e., to feel like “origins” who impact their environment, not simply being “pawns” pushed around by their environment), enabling participants to e) accept some personal loss of expectation and/or control for the greater good, goal or gain,
8. encourage “cultural diversity,” that is, the understanding and valuing of diversity in the realms of race, ethnicity, disability, gender, age, etc., even bringing together the division’s or organization’s silo-impaired; strangers, competitors or antagonists over time better appreciate varying viewpoints and the potential for interconnectivity (or at least affirm that “difference and disagreement do not necessarily equate with disapproval and disloyalty”),
9. stimulate “hands on” engagement resulting in tangible “getting on the same page” goals and action plans thereby yielding genuine “buy-in,” while
10. accepting the reality that issues often remain unresolved, perhaps needing to be addressed at another critical communicational juncture.

Taking Kaleidoscopic AIM: Designing a Matrix for “Cognitive-Communication” Consciousness

Surely there’s need for conceptual tools that will strengthen a capacity for thinking-listening-questioning-responding-motivating. I envision a model to help people become more Four ‘C’-ing thinkers and communicators – as was cited earlier, possessing clarity, concision, calm and conviction. And as a bonus, this model will highlight the importance of:

a) employing the comedic tactically, tactfully and empathically; remember, “People are more open to a serious message gift-wrapped with humor”,
b) developing and drawing on your own inner complexity to better understand – make more tangible and comprehensible – the complexity of the outer world, and
c) motivating if not inspiring the people with whom you are engaged by speaking both to people’s real and ideal self-image as well as transforming a sense of threat, loss, and crisis into time-conscious challenge and opportunity; also helping others laugh at their flaws and foibles while touching people’s desire for imaginatively and effectively designing a balanced-integrated-animated “work-love-play” life path; and, finally, enabling others to impact or simplify (without dumbing down) their world's outer complexity.

Naturally, a critical component of inner and outer complexity involves viewing people and situations, experiences and events in context, that is, not as isolated phenomenon but in historical-psychological-relational-social-cultural perspective. (So we might have to speak of the “Seven ‘C’s of “Conscious Cognition-Communication”: clarity, concision, calm, and conviction as foundation for higher level cognition-communication – comedy, complexity and contextual processing.

I especially envision a model-tool for people who want to be more inspiring – purposeful, passionate and powerful – communicators, educators, managers and leaders, whether formally titled or not.

Actually, I have been designing a matrix model based on the interaction of “Individual – Physical, Mental-Emotional – Sources of Cognitive-Communication,” for example, Muscle-Mind-Mood, and a Yin-Yang, “Human Being-Human Doing,” or Flexible-Focused Energy-Consciousness. This interplay between sources and energy-essences is depicted as follows:

 Muscle (Body) + Flexible or Focused
 Mind (Psyche) + Flexible or Focused
 Mood (Heart) + Flexible or Focused

And “Muscle, Mind and Mood” are linked to one of three fundamental components of “Cognitive-Communication Consciousness”: Muscle is linked to “Action,” Mind to “Intention,” and Mood to “Meaning.”

The interaction yields six possible matrix pieces or outcomes:

 Muscle Focused and Muscle Flexible = two primary “Action” states
 Mind Focused and Mind Flexible = two primary “Intention” states
 Mood Focused and Mood Flexible = two primary “Meaning” states

The model components, Action, Intention and Meaning (AIM), are the interchangeable building blocks of “Cognitive-Communication Consciousness,” reflecting the interaction of “Mind-Mood-Muscle” and “Focused and Flexible.” Arranging the letters “A-I-M” in different sequences (akin to a very mini DNA code) provides six combinatory states or styles that result from the interaction of “Cognitive-Communication Sources” (“Muscle-Mind-Mood”) and “Yang-Yin Energy-Consciousness” (“Focused and Flexible”). For example, “Action” followed by “Intention” and then “Meaning” yields “Provocative,” while the outcome for “Action” followed by “Meaning” and “Intention” converts to “Playful.” The “Six Cognitive-Communication Consciousness States” are:

 AIM = (Action-Intention-Meaning) or “Provocative
 AMI = (Action-Meaning-Intention) or “Playful”
 IAM = (Intention-Action-Meaning) or “Purposeful”
 IMA = (Intention-Meaning-Action) or “Prospective”
 MAI = (Meaning-Action-Intention) or “Passionate”
 MIA = (Meaning-Intention-Action) or “Philosophical”

I’m calling the conceptual model:

“An ‘Action-Intention-Meaning’ (AIM) Matrix for Dynamic-Integrated Leadership: A Conceptual Tool for Expanding Cognitive-Communication Consciousness”

[Email stressdoc@aol.com for the AIM Matrix.]

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace esource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Communication Tools for Perspective, Patience and Presence: Transforming Reaction into Response through Message and Mantra

2011-12-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

Increasingly, research is showing a direct correlation between employee productivity, business profitability, and the degree to which employees feel their employers are concerned about their personal and professional welfare. (See The 2010 AMA Handbook of Leadership.) For example, in the groundbreaking work, First Break All the Rules: What the Greatest Managers Do Differently (Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman) five of the twelve core elements (listed in their order of importance) “needed to attract, focus and keep the most talented employees” involve feedback, recognition and relationship building:

4. In the last seven days, have I received recognition or praise for doing good work?
5. Does my supervisor, or someone at work, seem to care about me as a person?
6. Is there someone at work who encourages my development?
7. At work, do my opinions seem to count?
11. In the last six months, has someone at work talked to me about my progress?

Clearly, for bridging the motivational-relationship divide critical factors include the awareness, clarity, empathy, mutuality and timeliness of the interpersonal communication. And honest, open and emotional connection, not just simply passing along information, is especially critical when parties are grappling with psychologically charged issues related to loss, change and uncertainty and/or conflict-laden cultural climates, e.g., employees who have gone through major reorg or RIF (Reduction in Force) and are wondering about if not waiting for the next “frightsizing” axe to fall.

With this in mind, as a writer and speaker, increasingly I provide an audience with concise psychological and communication concepts and tools – from aphorisms and acronyms to pithy poetic pearls – with a verbal (and sometimes visual-theatrical) design that, hopefully, makes them easy to use and hard to forget. In an increasingly “do more with less,” hyperactive-distracted-overextended and over-cluttered mind-field, the ability to create “sententious” messages, messages “full of significance (and style) and expressed tersely” becomes a vital art form.

Two Communicational Tools Providing Perspective, Patience and Presence

For example, try these two communicational techniques to trump a knee-jerk “reaction” with a firm yet flexibly focused “response”:

1. Differentiate Blaming “You” vs. Responsible “I” Messages. “You’re always late,” “What’s your problem?” or “You made us look bad.” “You” messages not only assign blame or are judgmental and often global (e.g., “You never”), but they deny any responsibility on the part of the person making those “acc-you-sations.” (And naturally, a “chronic acc-you-ser” risks becoming a blameaholic!) Actually, even worse, these accusing “You”s often facilitate a transfusion of power: the “acc-you-ser” is increasingly becoming a puppet and is enabling the so-called antagonist to pull all the strings.

So, instead of “You’re making me mad” or “It’s your fault,” how about, “I don’t like what’s going on between us. Here’s what I don’t appreciate (or) this is what has me frustrated, concerned, uncomfortable, etc.” Then specifically, clearly and concisely state your “I”-message concern, e.g., “I prefer being asked or questioned about my reasons for doing XYZ rather than being confronted by assumptions. I need for us to talk about what’s going on!”

The shift from blaming or judging involves: a) asserting one’s own beliefs and perspective and, when necessary, firmly yet respectfully setting limits on the use of “You”-message fault-finding, b) setting boundaries on a party not respecting one’s physical or psychological space, c) evolving a perspective that is less focused on the other person’s “faults” (that is, an intrapersonal position) and more concerned with developing an interpersonal, “How are we together generating this situation and what can we do about it?” problem-solving approach, and d) acknowledging and taking responsibility for one’s actions and feelings by using “I”-messages, including stating likes and dislikes, and concerns and irritations.

Such an emotional-communicational shift means being authentically “self”-centered in contrast to being narcissistically ego-driven. Remember, a healthy “I”-communicator strives for real and respectful, responsible and responsive give and take between the parties. (Email for my article “The Four “R”s of PRO Relating.”) The narcissist invariably sees life through a “black or white” or a “right or wrong” lens, though these may even have rose-colored tinting. This personality inevitably needs to be in a “one-up” or “in control” position. And when the surprisingly sensitive narcissist feels his or her hurt is triggered by an alleged provocateur, then launching the old blamethrower is excusable, if not perfectly justified.

Quickly Bringing the Impact of “You” vs “I” to Life

Of course, a “blameholic” can consciously or not try to disguise weakness or immaturity with a Mr. Bluster mask and manner. Still, the difference between affirming “I” responses and offensively defensive “You” reactions is transparent. For example, imagine you are in an argument, perhaps over politics or whether a movie was worth seeing, and the other party suddenly tires of the logical back and forth. Consider the impact of each of these two-word declarations. Can you hear and feel the difference between “You’re wrong” (said with a judgmental tone) as compared to “I disagree” (declared with energy and conviction; or perhaps with a tad more tact, “I see it differently”)?

The consistent group facial expressions (and occasional gasps) when an audience member helps me act out this contrasting two-word scenario reveals the verbal and emotional impact. And quick analysis is illuminating: “You’re wrong” no longer is dealing with the specific issue but is actually dismissive of the other individual. In contrast, “I disagree” is predicated on the other’s position or points of argument, that is, the “I”-response is respectfully problem-focused while a “You”-reaction is often judgmental and personality-driven.

Finally, I believe a reactive “You” message tends to be one-sided, driven by “right or wrong” presumptions: “all head” (e.g., a coldly intellectual remark or a rejoinder dripping with scarcasm, e.g., “I’m just sure you could not have done anything else?”) or “all heart” (e.g., a wounded or weepy, “feel sorry for me,” outburst or lament). In contrast, a “responsive” “I”-message combines both “head and heart.” An “I” perspective typically attempts to perceive, understand and integrate multiple perspectives, that is, tries to construct a meaningful assessment of one’s own along with the other’s deeds, needs and intentions. And next is another memorable technique for achieving this integration.

2. Consider a “Reflective and Responsive” Mantra. The standard advice when you’ve “had it up to here” with someone and want to verbally explode or simply lash out is, of course, “Count to ten.” And while I see some merit, for me the cautionary counsel falls a bit short. In the heat of battle, if thrown off guard, I can just imagine myself methodically counting, “1-2-3-4,” then suddenly shifting gears, flying through 5 through 9, and at “10” blurting out, “You bozo!” (Even the Stress Doc is susceptible to that “You”-ruption every once in awhile; though the words of French novelist Andre Gide from his book, The Immoralist, often helps me silently, if not serenely, place people and positions in perspective: One must allow others to be right; it consoles them for not being anything else!)

Actually, to be less reactive, all you need is some of those well-developed multi-tasking skills to transform the old saw into a new aphorism. (As an aside, while the younger generation is particularly adept at multi-tasking, I suspect folks of any age who primarily hyper-speed through life may have some initial difficulty being personally reflective and psychosocially attentive.) Anyway…my poetic mantra: Count to ten and check within. That is, while you are counting (and centering yourself or trying to calm) down, ask one or more of these questions, which may also slow the countdown: “What am I feeling right now?” Am I attributing all my hurt or anger to “the other”; am I about to vent with a blaming “You”? Is it possible that some of my outrage reveals that my own “hot button” or emotional baggage issues have been pushed, triggered or stirred? Am I confronting my” Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure?”

Here’s an example of a self-inventory process, though, admittedly, one several years in the making. A heated exchange followed by quiet discussion enabled my partner to finally realize that my behavior was not equivalent to the immature actions of her ex; my actions were not really firing up her emotional cauldron. It was her own low boiling point, worn down by an erosive and divisive marriage, helping to trigger her impatience and anger with her present partner. (Though, of course, I certainly bring some of my own stuff to our intimate interaction.) The real “hot button” was her self-regret, shame and rage for not being strong enough to leave sooner a mostly dysfunctional “thirty year” relationship. And when this “separation/being on my own” fear constricted her options, there were some irreparable consequences for the children, the adults, and the family as a whole. However, having the courage to face your sadness and remorse softens the anger and rage that otherwise turns inward and/or gets acted out onto others. And this deeper awareness should help our interaction be less defensive and reactive.

After completing this rapid internal audit, if still confused or frustrated while in the heat of battle, then build upon the mantra: Count to ten and check within…when in doubt, check without! Alas, my poetic addition may be a tad ambiguous. So let’s clarify some possible interpretations of check without:
a) check outside yourself; ask the other to clarify his or her message, e.g., “I’m not clear about what I’m hearing”;
b) check or set limits on a hostile communicator, e.g., “I don’t mind feedback, even critical feedback, but hostility and condescension are not acceptable! Let’s try again,”
c) check in with an open mind, that is, without bias, making every effort to consciously suspend your assumptions and prejudgments; e.g., “I must admit I’m not neutral in this matter, but I will attempt to listen with an open and objective mind.”

If issues remain troubling upon “checking within and without,” remember, you may momentarily retreat yet still be palpably real and paradoxically present. You may check out to check in: “I’m way angry right now, and don’t want to put my foot in my mouth (or your butt). I’m not running out; I’m taking a time out. I want to think about this, and I will get back to you first thing in the morning. From my perspective, we are not finished.” Clearly, strategic-reflective retreating is not giving up but stepping back in order to cool down, lick wounds, reevaluate, perhaps talk with a “stress buddy,” integrate head and heart, gain new perspective and strategy, and then responsibly reengage. (Of course, there are times, especially in the instance of child abuse, when an aggressor-predator-enabler has clearly earned “You”-focused confrontation, condemnation and, if warranted, incarceration. For example, see Penn State’s and Syracuse University’s potential criminal scandals and cover-ups.)

Hopefully, you now have two new, quick application tools for bridging the communication divide and for helping all parties…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

North (Dakota) toward Home: Designing Diversity -- an Integrative Incubator for “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community”

2011-11-14T14:37:00.000-08:00

Confession time: I owe North Dakota an apology. About six months ago, in light of the economic pressures on government employees, budget cuts and downsizings, further calls for their jobs or at least slashing their pensions, I wrote a satirical “Shrink Rap” ditty called “The Reorg Rag.”

It started:

It can’t happen here, I have too much to do…
Who took my desk and chair, my computer, too?
They can’t replace me; the Branch Techno-file
What do you mean I’m still in denial?

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Why does it feel I’ve been fragged?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Maybe I’m just on a jag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!

Rejoice, you’re employed…so they’ve frozen your pay
And put on your backs the recovery.
Two free weeks furlough to re-“leave” your stress
What a friend you have in the 112th Congress!

Work’s now a casino, a high tech RIF** RAFFle
When will we know? Why does management waffle?
Buddha Computah… who’s pink slipping away?
Here’s your ticket to ride; shopping’s good in Bombay.

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
Why do I just want to gag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Whatever happened to my swag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!

The lyrics and predicaments progressed till finally…

Now you’ve had enough, playing Raggedy Ann
Start calling their bluff; draw a line in the sand.
You are a survivor; just never forget
To bring out your “Inner Rambo or Rambette!”

So “Do know your limits; don’t limit your ‘No’s”
There’s life beyond widgets; you’ve taken their blows.
Break away from the mob, you’ve surpassed your quota
And have won your job…but now in North Dakota!

(Email stressdoc@aol.com for the entire lyric.)

In fact, my new mantra is “Go North young wo/man.” If economic opportunities are drying up “down south” (that is, in the “Lower 48”) my advice: head for Alaska…or for Alaska-lite, i.e., North Dakota! The past two months I’ve done speaking programs in both states and while the differences are obvious, the similarities are also palpable. First the differences: Alaska has a vast coast line, and an extensive rugged, forested mountainous wilderness, including the highest point in North America, Mt. Denali, formerly Mt. McKinley, at 21,000 feet; and while permafrost underground means Alaska is not the bread basket for the world, the salmon and halibut, in particular, are yummy. In contrast, flying into Fargo appears to validate my presupposition that ND is mostly farmland flat. Your eyes are captivated by large checkerboard squares of light and dark rich agricultural soil; the state does help feed the world. Actually, the eastern half of North Dakota consists of Drift Prairie, with elevations of 1300-1600 feet above sea level, and the western half of the state has the highest point, White Butte, at 3500 feet.

Now the similarities: The states share plenty of cold weather, (in both states I saw electrical power plugs attached to the front of cars), the two have small populations relative to their land mass, and now with the boom times happening in western North Dakota, both states are reaping the benefits of oil production. (Of course, there may be some specific economic boom town winners and losers. Word is that qualified truck drivers can easily earn a $100,000 a year and popular pole dancers may draw $2,000/night; apparently not many other ways to spend money way out on the oil range. And today I just read that seniors are being forced out of their life-long apartments as landlords, in pursuit of oil money, are raising rents astronomically. Hey, it’s the American Way; capitalism at its finest. Turning natives into immigrants in their homeland; we've seen this movie before!)

But I digress…in addition, at least in Anchorage (pop. 270,000) and Fargo (pop. 200,000), cities bounded by waterways, each, paradoxically, has a small town-cosmopolitan feel; both are fueled by a diverse, friendly and articulate citizenry as well as the visible presence of a vibrant and clean downtown, humming with artistic activity and Native American culture – visual arts, theatre, dance, etc. And the “symbiotic cities” of Fargo, ND-Moorhead, MN area, striding the opposite banks of the Red River, boast numerous colleges and universities.

Harnessing and Harvesting a Multicultural Mindset

And with the economic revival both are attracting people from around the globe. And while in Alaska oil may be a primary magnet (the state’s motto: North to the Future) in small towns throughout Minnesota and the Dakotas there’s another “future”-oriented engine driving the influx. The US Government has been settling immigrants in upper-Midwest towns, towns that until recently (late 20th century) were precipitously losing population, especially their young people. The towns were also struggling with a withering tax base; survival was definitely a communal conundrum. Hence the idea of resettlement. And it’s been working. At least in the last few years the immigrant population is doubling; the long-established (mostly Caucasian and Native American) citizenry has had some small growth. And while there has been tangible economic progress, such demographic social change rarely comes without a measure of cultural conflict. (Not to mention the personal and family stress generated by major relocation, loosening ties to geographic-family-cultural-national roots, engaging with a new language, and, at least initially, often feeling like “a stranger in a strange land.” I certainly experienced some of this disorientation when I moved from NYC to New Orleans in my mid-20s. I will say more shortly.)

The challenge of integrating these diverse populaces led to the formation in the mid-1990s of a non-profit group, Cultural Diversity Resources, led by an Asian female fireball of energy and enterprise, Yoke Sim Gunaratne. As stated in the conference brochure: "In 1993, Fargo-Moorhead area leaders held several community forums to identify community issues needing urgent attention…The community needed to embrace its increasing ethnic diversity and assist diverse populations in overcoming barriers to community participation. Leaders wanted to ameliorate intolerance of all kinds, increase understanding of the value of diversity, and develop a permanent system wide framework aimed at celebrating the ever-increasing cultures of the community. Action to develop a proactive regional diversity project to cover four cities and two counties began."

In fact, at the start of my luncheon keynote, I shared an associative image of being in a Star Trek movie; our multicultural-intergalactic crew was piloting the Starship Enterprise, exploring the depths of outer and inner space. I thought this an apt segue to my talk on “Creative Risk Taking: Grieving, Letting Go and Inspiring Flow.”

I couldn’t resist establishing my cultural diversity credentials by letting the audience know that in addition to being a Type A New Yawka (born in Brooklyn, mostly grew up in Queens, and attended high school in Manhattan) I have a second gear: sixteen years in N’Awlins (from 1974-1990; eight years as a doctoral student at Tulane University), my “American in Cajun Paris” years. Lots of great stories including burning out as a grad student and, opportunistically, becoming a radio and TV Stress Doc ™. Eventually, however, “there were no more mountains to climb in the bayou and I had this urge to move to DC. I didn’t understand it till I got there, but then I realized if NYC and New Orleans had a baby it would look like Washington, DC.” That got a laugh, and so did my follow-up: “I still haven’t decided if this offspring is a love child!”

Critical Quotes on Change and Conflict, Team Synergy and Society

Finally, I set the stage for my interactive presentation (even during a keynote the audience engages in arousing and fun exercises), by sharing two quotes, pertinent to communities with survival on their minds, needing to be both diverse and interdependent. The first was from Adam Gopnik’s book, Angels and Ages: A Short Book about Darwin, Lincoln and Modern Life. Gopnik extrapolates a key point of Darwinian Theory: Repetition is the law of nature but variation is the rule of life. We see repetition in nature through the cycle of the seasons; in many species migration and spawning patterns are also cyclical.

However, oftentimes, what enables a species to achieve survival fitness is responding productively and imaginatively to major change or crisis – whether brought on by alterations in its ecological environment or by a small deviation in its genetic makeup that spreads through the species, culminating in hereditary and adaptation advantages, that is, “natural selection.” I believe the influx of immigrants is providing an evolutionary challenge and a boost for these towns and townspeople. Both groups are experiencing a mind-and heart-provoking trial and error and maturational learning curve. While maintaining their roots, through interaction with the “natives,” the newcomers are learning about the customs, mores and morals, the strengths and vulnerabilities of the American Ways. And over time the establishment grows increasingly open-minded, slowly but steadily turning productive conflict into newfound commonality if not camaraderie along with creative variation on convention.

Together I’m seeing the basis for cultural synergy: not only does each group gain fresh ways of perceiving and acting upon new possibilities, but now these once disparate parts gradually transform into partners.

Of course, mutation and variation test the tried and perhaps once true. As was previously noted, conflict and change are often contemporaneous. But ultimately, if the conflict is harnessed through honest, hard-hitting yet also appropriately humble dialogue – focusing more on problems than personalities – then the words of John Dewey, 19th c. pragmatic philosopher and “Father of American Public Education,” may still ring out: Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity. It instigates to invention and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict is the sine qua non of reflection and ingenuity.

I’m reminded of my readapting the familiar acronym TEAM – “Together Each Achieves More.” My TEAM mantra: Trial and Error Amplifies Mutation! And I did share my variation on the motivational standard or cliché, depending on your perspective, “There’s no “I” in team”: There may be no “I” in team…but there are two “I”s in winning – “Individuality” and “Interactivity.” And these “I”s definitely “C”: A winning team blends “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community”!

And the pioneering sociologist, George Herbert Mead, would agree. His mantra: Society is unity in diversity.

So in the Fargo, ND-Moorhead, MN area an immigration-integration incubator is transforming the lives of individuals, families and institutions and inspiring – breathing life into and revitalizing the spirit of – long-standing communities. Perhaps it's not so surprising; the North Dakota state motto: Liberty and Union, Now and Forever, One and Inseparable. Paradoxical and passionate words to help a complex, diverse world…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Value of a “Helmet’s Office” Atmosphere: Building Team and Organizational Trust, Collaborative Conflict, Partnership & Synergy

2011-10-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

My work with the military has been very instructive. As a team building catalyst I appreciate the concept of creating a “Helmet’s Off” meeting atmosphere whereby there is “no rank in the room.” Ideally, the Corporal is not afraid to speak up honestly, even critically, with and to the Colonel. Of course, the unspoken challenge is whether there’s sufficient trust to transcend traditional “superior-subordinate” roles-relations-rules-restrictions. More broadly, what is the overall trust and safety level in the room? Will something I say quickly come back to bite me or eventually wind up as career-killer in a personnel file?

Naturally, when there’s an external threat, a “harm’s way” crisis or a critical need to follow “one voice” then helmets need to be firmly in place. However, when there is opportunity for frank and open dialogue, progressive military leaders are realizing that, especially with voluntary personnel and with today’s younger generation, two-way communication fosters greater respect, trust, commitment and a real cycle of what I call the interactive team building triad-synthesis -– “leadership <– > followship –> partnership.” That is, depending on the situational context or challenge, all levels in the organizational hierarchy need to set sail on the first two “ships” to sufficiently understand each one’s perspectives and roles, responsibilities and demands. Also, leadership doesn’t only come packaged with the title of “Captain,” “CEO” or “Coach.” Informal or untapped leaders often work behind the scenes. Good leaders, however, coax these “informals” out of the closet or provide a platform for their budding talents and harness or align with their influence.

Finally, some hands on experience “in both the trenches and think tanks” facilitate the evolution of a productive “leadership-followship” alliance. (For example, the mind- and heart-opening premise of the TV series, “Undercover Boss,” reflects a desire to have the chief surreptitiously wade into the trenches and swim with the catfish. I’m still waiting for the “Surreality” show that allows a team of employees into the shark tank…I mean boardroom.)

A friend, a retired Army Colonel once shared: “It’s easy ordering people around. Creating genuine buy-in is the real challenge.” To the military’s credit, they seem to realize that at times they have difficulty walking their helmetless talk, hence a desire to work with the Stress Doc ™. And barriers to candid communication may even arise with Senior Officers and Senior Sergeants, the battalion or brigade leadership team. In fact, most of my military “Stress, Change & Team Building” experience is with these senior groups. Consider this testimonial:

15th Sustainment Brigade, 1st Cavalry, Ft. Hood, TX
[Stress, Change and Team-Building Predeployment to Iraq Program for 40 Senior Officers, Senior Sergeants and Spouses]

Mark:

What a great program you engineered at our Command Offsite! It could not have been better if we had orchestrated it! Your session on managing change and stress was the perfect lead-in to the work we had to accomplish throughout the conference. It set the conditions for the free, uninhibited work (regardless of rank) that we needed. Our “drawing” exercise was absolutely enlightening. I cannot tell you how valuable it was to me as the “CEO” to see these products and see how the differing sections and commands worked together. The spouses loved the briefing and the interaction just as much as the uniformed members did.

Here’s the BLUF: Your session was the critical building block on which we built the rest of the conference.

My sincere thanks. Job well done.

COL Phelps

COL Larry Phelps
Commander, 15th SB
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Value of “Helmets Off”: Top Ten

However, my purpose with this essay is to reach a broad target audience. Why might the “Helmet’s Off” credo not just be a good fit for the military but also help build non-military team and organizational trust, coordination and productivity? When you have the time, consider these “Top Ten” opportune factors:

1. Opportunity for candid and clarifying communication and critical feedback. In a “Helmets Off Atmosphere” (HOA), not only is it easier for “message sent = message received” but a candid environment helps flesh out hidden agendas and stimulates a broader segment of member participation. And if leaders understand the difference between “Acknowledgement and Agreement” one can engage another’s perspective without endorsing it. If you don’t have to immediately establish “who’s right or wrong” (especially when it’s not a “black or white” data-driven issue), then options emerge: for example, before answering or arguing, allow the larger group to weigh in on the issue. (Hopefully, there’s not a groupthink milieu. And the quickest way of combating groupthink: ask people to question or challenge your perspective.) Remember, people don’t just contend or compete over facts; more often it’s the status of the head-banging relationship: people want to know it’s safe to say, “I believe you’re wrong and I’m right.”

Also, in the heat of a verbal battle, people frequently have an “attitude.” Sometimes it’s the person’s personality, other times it’s a momentary face-saving device, that is, the difference between “trait” and “state.” Either way, with my own slow movement toward maturity (let’s call it “fate,”) I’ve learned to accept a little angry attitude (what I call “smoke”) when sparring; however I do not accept a personal attack or abuse (that is, learn to distinguish the “smoke” from the “fire”). When an authority figure allows a “subordinate” to disagree openly (but not abusively) in a public forum without quickly cutting him down at the intellectual knees, most feel a sigh of relief and a deposit is added to the group trust account. And ironically, the former contrarian often more quickly joins the other side of the argument once having defended his position or when allowed to save face. Sometimes exercising a psychological freedom trumps competing over logical “facts.”

2. Opportunity for asking good questions as well as active-reflective listening and for generating creative conflict. When I ask a group what constitutes a “good question” in the context of interpersonal conflict, I get answers such as: a) one that solicits an open-ended response, b) one that can’t be answered by “yes” or “no,” and c) is not simply a “gotcha” tactic, whereby the questioner already knows the answer. (Although sometimes a “gotcha” question may be needed to establish the facts of a situation in the face of significant denial or a cover-up.) For me, there are two pillars of a good question: 1) the humility pillar, which acknowledges “not having all the answers” and 2) the openness pillar, which says, “I really would like to hear your point of view. I have more to learn than I realized.” (Clearly there’s a link between openness and humility.)

In an HOA setting this kind of exchange lays the basis for “collaboration” –- helping people speak from both the head and heart, teasing out hidden agendas, allowing for constructive conflict, even asking antagonists for more of their thinking, thereby helping to affirm their experience or expertise. And such openness simultaneously challenges our truisms. As 19th c. pragmatic philosopher and the “Father of American Education,” John Dewey, observed: Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity. It instigates to invention and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict is the sine qua non of reflection and ingenuity.

Now people and parties risk venturing from their territorial silos; the process encourages illogical and improbable ideas, allowing diversity to stimulate creativity, e.g., brainstorming methods for imaginatively yet fairly sharing resources and devising complementary approaches. (A number of studies reveal that teams comprised of diverse members almost invariably do more creative problem solving than more homogeneous task groups.) So maximize group brainpower by 1) asking good questions, 2) engaging in active and reflective listening, while 3) harnessing the colorful-compelling sparks of diversity and creative conflict.

3. Opportunity for reliable and quick feedback from and to folks in the trenches. To be “efficient” (do the thing right) and “effective” (do the right thing), an HOA mindset realizes that certain data can only be obtained by first hand, real time reports from the trenches. (For example, see the “Undercover Boss” reference above.) However, even if the data was initially wired in, the opportunity for sharing the circumstances and dynamics with the entire group affirms the value of the front line report/reporters while generating exploratory and collaborative possibilities. As Randy Pausch in his acclaimed book, The Last Lecture, written in anticipation of his dying from pancreatic cancer, recommends, “Phrase alternatives as questions. Instead of “I think we should do A, not B,” try “What if we did A, instead of B?” [The unspoken message: “what might be the implications or consequences?” And, again, most important, “I want to hear your perspective.”] This allows people to offer comments rather than defend (or debate) one choice.”

And remember, often it’s best to back up an important e-blast with a face-to-group announcement. It’s too easy for messages and texts to get lost in the electronic and textual cacophony. You’ll save time and enhance trust when all hear the message simultaneously and have the opportunity to raise questions or concerns.

4. Opportunity to remove cultural and generational diversity barriers and foster team synergy. Let me provide an HOA moment inspired by Al Davis, the recently deceased maverick, “Renaissance Football Man,” and long-time rabble-rousing owner of the Oakland Raiders. Davis hired the first Afro-American football coach in the modern era. In a sport that was increasingly being played by black athletes, do you think this helped create a “helmets off” atmosphere in the locker room? (Davis also later hired John Madden who, at the time, I believe was the youngest man to ever coach in the NFL. Again, this was another potential bridge-builder though, I would imagine, not without its skeptical men and moments. I can just picture some of the older Assistant Coaches or even players questioning the experience of their fledgling head coach. In addition to being elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Madden, of course, went on to become an American icon through his work as a TV commentator and his pioneering efforts in electronic gaming.)

An interesting question arises: how do these idiosyncratic personalities fit into football, a sport that’s been called “the ultimate team game.” You’ve likely heard or perhaps seen the following mantra posted on an office wall: “There’s no ‘I’ in team.” While there’s some validity on its face, the slogan has always left me needing more…or wanting to conceptualize further. Might not individual difference, including variation in personality, mindset and talent, along with cultural or generational perspective, challenge the team to reach another level of evolutionary function? As Adam Gopnik, in Angels and Ages: A Brief Book about Darwin, Lincoln and Modern Life, observed: Repetition is the law of nature but variation is the rule of life!

Consider this semantic twist: While there’s no “I” in team, there are two “I”s in winning! From a poetic perspective a number of interpretations of the latter phrase are possible:
a) keeping your eyes on the prize,
b) reflecting on the past to help envision a new future, or my favorite
c) mixing the literal and the “letteral,” one comes up with two “I”s that definitely “C” –- the “I”s stand for “Individuality” and “Interactivity” and their related “C”s are “Creativity” and “Community.” And voila: the formula for a winning team is a synergistic blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”

Some Conceptual Tools for Rethinking Team Synergy

In a general way the popular TEAM acronym speaks the language of synergy: Together Each Achieves More. The slogan indicates that the individual benefits from collective understanding, will and action and that harmony is its own reward. But what about the inverse: does individual variation in history or talent (not necessarily playing a formal leadership role) impact the capacity of the group to meet its goals around performance and and productivity, morale and camaraderie? How about these TEAM acronyms:

a) Talent Energizes Ambitious Motivation
b) Trial & Error Amplifies Mastery (or, perhaps even better, Mutation)

The creative explorer typically challenges the community to reexamine its conventional values, positions and actions. A community that’s not cut off by “one right way” tradition or rigid “funda-mental-ist armor” debates, sometimes tolerates, and may eventually find room to encourage the idiosyncratic individual to speak the language of, relate to, educate and even stir up, if not inspire, the larger collective. And when these two “‘I’s that ‘C’” intermingle, another notion of synergy materializes: behavior of whole systems unpredicted by the behavior of their parts taken separately. This is called emergent behavior (Wikipedia) and brings us back to the power of variation for spawning successful adaptation, that is, individual mutation spreads, ultimately influencing the hardiness of the larger community often resulting in “the survival of the fittest.”

Finally, this emergent conception helps us return to the conventional if not predictable notion of synergy: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Whether the outcome is “unpredictable” or “greater than,” just what do these statements actually mean? They’ve become such embedded clichés; I suspect most folks don’t stop to think about the overt or covert dynamics. For me, when you’re cookin’ with synergy there is some combination of free flowing, genuine, uninhibited, intimate, out-rage-ous, intuitive, playful and verbal-nonverbal communication-new ways of relating amongst the parts (akin to a jazz riff), that in due time those individual parts magically morph into partners (at least for the potent moment) no matter the rank or role in the room.

5. Opportunity to delegate-distribute roles, responsibilities and power and to generate matrix teams. HO can also stand for “Hand Off” in addition to “Helmets Off.” After a meaningful discussion of an issue or problem there usually is a pregnant pause: who will take responsibility for putting strategic ideas into action and/or monitoring the problem-solving steps and any additional problem solvers? Assuming that we’re not resorting to the traditional military manner of “enlisting volunteers,” a smart leader will allow the silence its pregnant possibility. My experience suggests that a group member will pop up, or will do so with a gentle nudge. The person taking responsibility often has some personal if not passionate connection to the issue on the floor.

For the formal “Helmets Off” leader the challenge is not just giving up some control over the problematic issue but also working to find that balance between being detached without being distant, that is, achieving “detached involvement.” When you “hand off,” let the person run with the ball; even an occasional fumble can help him or her get a better grip on issues moving forward. You are enabling others to exercise and develop their knowledge and skills, passion and talents, as well as strengthening a sense of responsibility. And, of course, let the employee know you are available as a coach and consultant or, if persistent difficulties arise, as a manager. (But remember, the “responsible” individual is an “agent,” that is, a person of influence or impact and one who is worthy of trust.)

Finally, a diverse community gathering makes it easier to generate matrix teams. You can encourage and empower representatives of different organizational departments, seniority levels, knowledge bases, cultural populations, etc., to take on issues that that transcend the segmental or territorial and impact the foundational and systemic. The payoff for your organization is an expanding synergy whereby “distinct parts transform into dynamic partners.” Words to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Stay tuned for Part II, the final five ways an HOA impacts team and organizational trust, coordination and productivity.
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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

(c) Mark Gorkin 2011
Shrink Rap™ Productions

Eight Humor Styles in Action: Building Stress Resiliency with Interactive Humor – Part I & II

2011-09-09T14:28:00.000-07:00

Eight Humor Styles in Action: Building Stress Resiliency with Interactive Humor – Part I

After writing a 9/11 Anniversary essay (“Ten Years After: A Personal Remembrance of Sep 11th – Strategies for Grieving, Surviving and Evolving": (http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/09/ten-years-after-personal-remembrance-of.html), my basic Yin-Yang nature kicked in: here is an essay on eight styles of humor. The early-mid 20th century pioneering film-maker, artist and comedienne, Charlie Chaplin, would approve of such a dramatic-comedic shift. According to Chaplin, The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy.

The humor styles are paired in “Four ‘H”” polarities: Healing-Hostile, Harmonizing-Harpooning, Humanizing-Higher Power, and Humbling-Heroic. (Forgive my alliterative, categorizing compulsion. An Israeli friend thinks it’s in my cultural-religious-“Talmudic scholar” DNA. I believe it is part addiction-part geographic location, i.e., having resided in the Metro-Washington, DC-federal government nexus for twenty years, I’m the founding member of a new twelve-step AA group – Acronym’s Anonymous!) My hope is that by differentiating the applications of humor, more people will find and explore a style or styles suited to their temperament, taste and tactics. This is hardly an academic exercise. Daniel Goleman, acclaimed author of Emotional Intelligence, has discovered that the most effective managers employ humor three times more often than their less capable counterparts. So let’s get to work by examining definitions and differentiations.

Defining Humor and Wit

a. Humor recognizes the absurdities in everyday situations along with the incongruities in our personal make-up, and playfully embraces or pokes good-natured fun at our fears and foibles. It often has a silly, non-verbal component exaggerating voice tones, facial gestures and body movements. Humor may be drawn out for effect. I liken it to letting the air out of a blown up balloon, and watching it crazily circle, sputter and plop. Of course, pushed way beyond human limits it may go from the silly to the ridiculous.

b. Wit quickly and imaginatively expresses the connection or analogous properties between things seemingly dissimilar, improbable or contradictory. America's original humorist, Mark Twain, said it best: "Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation." (Now whether this coupling will produce any brainchildren…) Wit is highly verbal tending toward a sudden, sharp edginess (which, alas, can easily go over the healing edge into hostility or ridicule.). According to Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit." Think of wit as sticking a pin into that inflated balloon (or a puffed up ego). An example of concise wit, perhaps, is my self-invented title of "Psychohumorist" ™. (Of course, I let folks decide where the emphasis on that word should go. Sometimes the fine line between wit and humor fades into the head work. ;-)

Humor

Saying funny things
What is being observed
Strong nonverbal component
Slow, physical exaggeration, silly
Letting air out of balloon (sputtering)
Extreme: ridiculous

Wit

Saying things in a funny way
What is being mentally constructed
Highly verbal
Quick, sharp, surprising analogies
Sticking pin into balloon (deflating)
Extreme: ridicule

Finally, an ability to integrate humor and wit may just strengthen our resiliency while helping civilize the world.

Here are illustrations of the 4H(2) Humor Styles:

I. Healing-Hostile Humor

A. Healing.

1. Absurdity to the Rescue. The first example of healing humor actually has a 9/11 context: upon reopening after the tragic events, the BWI airport hired Groucho Marx impersonators to banter with the crowds waiting on line to help reduce understandable traveler anxiety. The absurdity of it all struck a positive nerve and facilitated a much needed emotional release. As psychiatrist and humor authority, David Fry, noted, “Laughing with gusto is like turning your body into a big vibrator, giving vital organs a brief but hardy internal massage.” Others have likened full-throttled laughter to “inner jogging,” as it releases chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine which have a mind-calming, pleasure inducing effect.

2. The Face-Saving Yet Ego Affirming Defense Mechanism. Healing humor not only helps transform order (and disorder) into the comically chaotic and cathartic, but it is based on ego strength and the awareness of limitations, not simply on anxiety-driven self-deprecation. Such a humorous perspective reflects a loosening of inhibition and lowers the volume of rigid or judgmental inner voices. This humor also looks at life events the same as everyone else and bravely if not ironically may see something different. For example, the early 20th c. French novelist, Anatole France, upon turning 75, looking in a mirror, observed: "Mirrors just aren't what they used to be."

This is not a passive stance but an active one, providing "Triple A" stress relief insurance:
a) Aggression. There's a confident, if not somewhat competitive, component to self-effacing humor. It tells an audience or an antagonist, "I can poke fun at myself even better than you can poke fun at me." Or, "You only know the half of it…my pain, my cleverness, etc."
b) Affirmation. When audiences laugh warmly at such humor, they vicariously acknowledge their own shortcomings and, most important, are likely admiring the humorist's display of openness and courage.
c) Acceptance. The ability to expose flaws and foibles often is a tangible sign of self-acceptance; perfect performance has been replaced with the modus operandi of purposefulness and playfulness.

No less an authority than Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis and a student of humor, recognized the power of this “highest defense mechanism.” For Freud, the capacity for mature humor – by which he meant internalizing the “parental” encouragement of our efforts and the gentle tolerance of our failures – is perhaps the greatest gift such figures (whether actual or cultivated inner voices) can bestow upon a child…or a “Healing Humorist” can share with a colleague. Of course, sometimes those “parental voices” come with a little static.

3. Share and Smooth with Edgy Humor. Consider a “healing” example that involves a ritual of sending humorous cards to family members, especially to my parents. The cards are particularly effective because they capture or play upon a certain tension that exists within the relationship. A recent Mother’s Day card said, “To the woman who helped me become the man I am today.” The opened card continues: “Of course you have to take some of the blame!” Being able to poke a little fun at us both and also share the laughter definitely continues to smooth some of those rough edges in the mother-son tie.

B. Hostile.

1. Even Cutting Humor Can Heal. Here's a classroom vignette pitting me against a demoralized yet demonizing antagonist that raises two key questions: First, there's the issue of "is message sent message received?" As will be evident shortly, this question needs to be considered within the psycho-social-cultural context being used by different parties to interpret the meaning of certain actions and to attribute the motivational stance or bias of certain actors? Next, did my overt and covert counterpunch fulfill my intent: to disarm hostility and preserve harmony without being harsh or hurtful? Let me illustrate. I was leading a two-day Stress Management workshop in Salt Lake City, Utah for a federal government agency that was experiencing interpersonal tension and morale problems. The first day seemed to go well. The most tangible evidence was that the next morning a few folks initiated buying donuts for all forty participants. So a variety of donuts were being distributed before the class formally starts. All of a sudden, a male audience member, who later identified himself as a Mormon, began vehemently protesting: "You call yourself a stress expert, and you're going to allow them to pass out those donuts; with all that fat and sugar!"

I was taken aback. I acknowledged his beliefs and his concern for the nutritional issues as regards physical and psychological well-being. (A few years earlier, for a legal magazine, I had written about changing my diet and exercise regimen. I always liked the title of the article: “Hard Realities vs. Hard Arteries: Fat Food for Thought.”) Before I could finish, our pedantic protester cut me off, continued the challenge, and then declared: “How can I trust anything you say about stress, when you take such a hypocritical position!” Trying to be reasonable, again agreeing with some of his concerns, still I recognized the buying and sharing of donuts as a real form of social nurturance and support. Both of these are important for relieving stress and building emotional health and group morale.

Our nutritional moralist seemed undaunted. I also realized that this ongoing confrontation was agitating the entire group, though no one said anything. I didn’t want to lose control of the atmosphere of positive learning and sharing, nor did I want the audience to lose trust in my capacity for leadership. The tension reached a critical point. I reflexively went into a self-effacing survival mode and replied with maybe a shade too much impatience and irony: “Well, I guess the only way I can justify my behavior is to paraphrase the American philosopher, Ralph Waldo Emerson: ‘[Too much] consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.’”

A woman from the audience fairly shouted, “That’s a good one.” The confrontational standoff was over. My antagonist was disarmed and deflated. At the time, I mostly thought I was poking fun at myself to get Mr. Moralist off my (and the audience’s) back. But in hindsight, I wasn’t simply self-lampooning, but was also wielding a witty (albeit unconscious) weapon. A more direct message could have been: “Obviously, you are not pleased with my approach. I wish it wasn’t creating such doubt. I’m willing to talk more during the break or at lunch. However, right now I have a class to lead, and we all need to get down to work.” And if this still wasn’t sufficient, that is, if the individual could not cease and desist, I would then have to ask him to leave the room until he was ready to participate in a non-disruptive manner.

Today, when I share this story with counselors, educators, or trainers, a number gasp, groan, or grimace. I truly did cut down Mr. Mormon in public. I was not psychologically correct, for which I have conflicting thoughts. And yet, in the spirit of embracing contradiction, my counter ultimately had a healing effect. By the afternoon, Mr. M. could venture out of his crusty shell, this time without fighting dietary demons or Stress Docs. With the help of a group exercise, he began to acknowledge to the entire class his intense feelings of work burnout. This out of character level of honesty and vulnerability was made possible by disarming his previous offensive defensiveness. And it garnered him, not the moral high ground, but down-to-earth emotional sustenance and problem-solving support from colleagues (who had been inhaling his burnout fumes for months).

The moral: By momentarily disarming an antagonist (perhaps with a tad more antagonism than consciously intended, but without malicious intent), while still pursuing understanding and healing, you can improbably both set limits on and also support a “stress carrier.” The “too much consistency” message (and an audience member’s enthusiastically aggressive second), defused the threat to our learning environment. It also eventually short-circuited a self-defeating burnout-blowup cycle and opened a path and process for honest sharing along with some healing, collegial empathy and acceptance: the competence of the leader, the working integrity and harmony of the group along with the humanity and social standing of a wounded participant are all reaffirmed. And by mixing caring and confrontation...you can even (symbolically or moderately) eat donuts!

II. Harmonizing-Harpooning Humor

A. Harmonizing.

1. Using the Anger of Grief to Rebuild an Alliance. Freedictionary.com first two definitions of “harmony” are: 1) “agreement in feeling or opinion; accord: live in harmony” and 2) “a pleasing combination of elements in a whole or order; or congruity of parts to their whole or to one another”: color harmony; the order and harmony of the universe. Years back a Federal court was automating its record keeping system and was experiencing some opposition from a number of employees. This was especially true for those most affected by the change in a key data form. Not surprisingly, employees had not been consulted. The obvious emotionally charged questions: why weren’t the folks in the trenches, the ones most directly involved with the informational processing changes, consulted about operational dynamics and consequences? Why isn’t our experience respected and our perspective valued?

Instead of only focusing on employee resistance to change, I challenged management to examine their one-sided decision-making process. I also thought employees were grieving, that is, experiencing feelings of loss, both of a familiar mode of operation as well as the loss of job control and sense of professional authority and autonomy. After discussing the managerial missteps, I shared a "pass in the impasse” aha! with the court leadership: "Let's have a 'forms funeral.'" All employees would have a chance to bemoan the loss of the old, express concerns about new procedures and, most important, criticize “unilateral” authority for not initially seeking employee input. Not surprisingly, this novel, perhaps somewhat absurd communal catharsis broke through the barriers both to accepting change and to participatory decision-making. We also began healing some organizational wounds. In Yin-Yang fashion, honest expression of aggression and acknowledgement of missteps along with a pledge for more participatory decision-making produced tangible accord. Even more significant, though, there now was a basis for organizational synergy: not only is the whole potentially greater than the sum of the parts, but ongoing collaboration will generate a new congruity – transforming seemingly disrespected and disconnected parts into more respectful and actively coordinated partners.

The metaphor of a “Forms Funeral” might well resonate with the early 20th century disabilities pioneer and universally-acclaimed humanitarian, Helen Keller, who observed: The world is so full of care and sorrow it is a gracious debt we owe one another to discover the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks. On a more pedestrian level, a healing humor that also harmonizes not only encourages an ability to walk in another’s shoes, but may enable all parties to acknowledge and feel each other’s bunions! When orchestrated humor helps a) affirm professional identity, b) break down social-cultural barriers, c) productively resolve conflict and d) facilitates two-way understanding through the embrace of a mutual mirthful metaphor illuminating how “we’re all in this rite of passage together,” there’s a “higher power” at work and play.

B. Harpooning.

1. Bending the Roles to Regain Resilience. My conception of “harpooning humor” has little do with an Ahab-like obsession. I’m not looking to kill the whale; the objective is to lance and momentarily silence a big, blubbering, babbling ego and “shrink” it down to a less bombastic or bullying scale. And you don’t always need a visible target, only one in the mind of the beholder. Consider this vignette. The first involves a very challenging moment in a workshop with nurse supervisors and their administrator. These professional women were itemizing tensions and frustrations with their primary "stress carriers"...the mostly male doctors. (A "stress carrier," by the way, is someone who usually doesn't get ulcers, just gives them!)

Perhaps I had become the symbol of the male species, for the administrator, voicing the group's anger, impatiently cried out, "What happens if you're just tired of always accommodating these physicians; of being the one who has to bend? Then what do you do?" Listening between the lines, I heard, "Okay, Mr. Expert, let's have your revelation."

Believe me, at this point, divine intervention seemed like my only hope. Fortunately, only time froze and not my brain. "How about this," I blurted out. "Tell the physician you may not be your normal cheerful self today. When he questions 'why not?' say, 'I hurt my back.'" I paused. "Now when the doctor asks, perhaps somewhat haughtily, 'How did that happen?' in a most humble manner reply, 'I'm not sure, but I think I've been bending over backwards for too many people, lately.'"

Well the women roared their approval. A psychiatrist, Kris Ernst, once noted: "what was once feared, and is now mastered [even if only in one’s mind; remember, “Conceiving is Believing”]…is laughed at." Of course, the Stress Doc’s converse applies: "what was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master."

2. Turning the Bait into Playful and Purposeful Bite. Sometimes you are baited into an ongoing interpersonal battle; transform your goal into “bait and switch” – lampoon both parties and calmly leave the scene with laughter in the background. As a mid-'90s Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant at a large US Postal Service Processing & Distribution Plant walking the workfloor was commonplace. (Believe me, humor was not a luxury.) One day, I came upon a couple bantering, seemingly playfully, if not a bit seductively. A collegial chorus was also present. The back and forth turned increasingly provocative when the woman suddenly mouthed the "f u" expletive while throwing her antagonist the proverbial finger. The onlookers quickly warned the couple about me: "Be careful, this guy is the 'Company Shrink.'" Then the guy egged me on: "Now what do you think about what she just did?" With tension building, I nervously paused, then rallied: "What do I think? I just think she thinks you're # 1," and walked off with collective laughter behind me. (A vital humor skill: learn to playfully bite the hand or hands that feed you!)

The remaining pairs of humor styles – Humanizing-Higher Power and Humbling-Heroic – will be illustrated in Part II. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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Eight Humor Styles in Action: Building Stress Resiliency with Interactive Humor – Part II

III. Humanizing-Higher Power

A. Humanizing.

1. Paradoxical Perspective. One way of employing “humanizing humor” is to capture the seemingly contradictory or paradoxical nature of our species. For example, consider my one “holiday” joke that distinguishes the familiar phrases, “holiday blues” and “holiday stress.” Now holiday blues is the feeling of loss or sadness you have when, over the holidays, you can’t be with those people in your life who have been or are special or significant. And holiday stress…is when you have to be with some of those people!

2. Surprising and Provocative Links in Context. A second manifestation of this humor is taking natural, emotionally charged aspects of being human and then playfully linking them in an unexpected, if not witty, fashion, a fashion that may tweak convention. Remember, you often need to be sensitive to your audience’s comfort threshold and be cognizant of cultural context, especially when wading into provocative areas, like sex or religion. For example, when I moved from "devil may care" N'Awlins to politically conscious if not correct Washington, DC I had to rethink carrying over a stress workshop closing punchline: "They say laughter is the best tension reliever and sex is second…So if you're having funny sex you're probably in good shape!" (In fact, one New Orleans conference group expressed interest in bringing me back to give a talk on “Funny Sex.”)

However, politically cautious DC audience dis-ease eventually required using a different close, one that played on a familiar adage. I now stress the importance of "The Serenity Prayer": "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies!" (Okay, so you can take the boy out of "The Big Easy" but not the irreverence from the boy.) And even with this closing, I’m conscious of context. With a military audience, I modify the last phrase: “and the wisdom to know where to hide the…money!”

3. Both Self-Effacing and Self-Affirming. Humanizing humor helps me accept my flaws…with a little attitude. For example, as I've middle-aged, I occasionally take jibes about my hair loss. I firmly remind the moprakers that, "You should have more respect for my hair. It was recently placed on the World Wildlife Federation's endangered species list!"

4. Bridging Humanity and Cultural Diversity. Little did I know that such a playful yet feisty attitude about my hair (or lack thereof) would one day morph into a truly powerful response in a highly charged social setting, i.e., with a racially divided jury. Employing humor to resolve contemporary cultural conflict is dicey. Nonetheless, by carefully exploring the face-saving power of self-effacing humor, you just may discover a small "pass in the multicultural impasse." Let me illustrate. Several years back, I was on jury duty in Washington, DC. An African-American male in his early 20s was accused of selling cocaine to an undercover African-American policeman. Our jury consisted of nine African-Americans and three Caucasians. Tension was building as we deliberated upon the case. In particular, a number of the African-American jurors questioned that the police had mishandled a piece of the evidence. (To me, this piece of evidence did not appear critical in establishing the fact of the alleged sale.)

Based on the increasingly pointed and heated discussion, it was clear that most of the African-Americans were leaning toward acquittal. Two other white jurors and I along with a black middle-aged male were swaying in the opposite direction. After an informal poll and more frustratingly fruitless attempts to influence each other's position, a middle-aged black woman next to me cries out, "Well, it seems that the white folks and this one black guy are holding us up." Suddenly, this black male juror jumps up and stares hard at his accuser, i.e., the accusation being that he's just going along with "whitey." Then, in an agitated, increasingly loud voice, he challenges back: "What are you trying to say? Just what are you trying to say?" The room crackles with tension. The African-American forewoman seems paralyzed.

Now, a young black woman, on my other side, with long, pretty braids anxiously blurts out, "This is ridiculous. All we're doing is pulling our hair out." The electricity and anguish jolt me into action. I fairly shout, both at my neighbor and the others, "Hey, that's not fair. You have a lot hair more than I do." There's a startled pause...then the room erupts with laughter. The forewoman eventually says, "Guess we needed that. Now let's get back to the facts of the case." And we did, in a respectful and more tolerant manner. While we ended as a hung jury (six to six, by the way) we didn't finish a racially hung up one.

Closing Points. Escalating tension is ripe for humor intervention. And when the tension is driven by cultural concerns, if used carefully, humanizing humor can play a powerful healing and harmonizing role as its universality transcends diversity. A self-effacing humor intervention that absurdly pokes fun of one's own flaws and foibles may just sneak under that too sensitive "political correctness" radar and allow the warring parties a stress relieving laugh. And the group can productively return to the task at hand…status quo ante bellum.

B. Higher Power.

1. We’re All in the Same Ark. Unfortunately, tension continues among many diverse groupings, and not just those within the human variety. According to Walt Kelly, creator of the classic cartoon, Pogo, “civilized man” is not only a danger to his own species…but endangers many others as well, including “so-called” wild animals. And while I’m not sure that Kelly was a conservationist, his cartoon certainly has timely relevance for all manner of intra- and inter-species relations. Consider his down-to-earth “higher humor” perspective. One gloriously sunny day, Kelly’s protagonist, Pogo, a warm-hearted possum, and his cynical catfish friend, Porky, are lazily boating down the Okefenokee Swamp. Porky avers, “I must say God did all right…but he should have stopped just one day sooner.” Pogo replies: “Don’t be so misanthropic, Porky. If it wasn’t for human beans life wouldn’t have so many laughs.” Porky’s immediate retort: “It wouldn’t need as many!”

Being human, we need the laughs, especially from a “higher and humanizing humor.” As quoted in Part I, according to film pioneer and humorist, Charlie Chaplin, “It is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy.” With a touch of prophetic irony, the Pogo cartoon encourages some knowing laughter but, more importantly, Kelly is asking the human animal, one of God’s mighty, if not almighty, creatures, to engage the planet and its various inhabitants with a bit more humility.

2. Let’s Get Literal. Southwest Personnel also integrate humor as part of their daily “high-in-the-sky” routine. For example, I recall a flight in which a steward was giving the standard safety orientation on seat belts, emergency exits and oxygen masks. Now I suspect many listen a bit apprehensively or try to tune out the familiar speech. However, this professional humorist got everyone’s attention when he calmly noted, “As part of our trip will be over water…in the unlikely event this flight becomes a cruise your seat cushion is removable.” There was a palpable pause, then a wave of laughed rolled down the aisles. This ironically playful “reframe” decidedly produced some unanticipated stress relief.

3. Encourage Disarming, Daring and Defiance. With an oppositional predisposition to question or lampoon the conventional and the self-righteous and/or armed with a “higher truth” you are often ready to embark on a path that may be grand or grandiose (or maybe both. Hopefully, yours is a non-fundamentalist or fanatical truth.) The challenge: caught in an ego entangled, thorny dilemma or steeped in honor-bound, “b.s.”(be safe) tradition, can you employ a humor that removes blinders, helps others see what they can’t or won’t see, upholds diverse sides, and appreciates life’s subtleties, absurdities or possibilities. According to creativity guru, von Oech, Sacred cows make great steaks!

Actually, the struggle involved in dismantling or surmounting that sacred wall has the potential for generating uncommon vision and vistas along with fresh pathways and processes. (Of course, some of us have been around long enough to know that at times there may well be a fine line between vision and hallucination! ;-)

To see and think anew not only means getting out of the box; sometimes the box may have to be torn down or blown up. As one of the giants of 20th century art, Pablo Picasso (a man of many, and not always endearing, paradoxical qualities), observed: Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction. (Here’s where the humorless fanatic can be quite problematic: When your goal is to create an absolutely pure or “righteous” standard or society, then anyone viewed as not being one with the in-group is quickly judged to be “unpatriotic,” perhaps an “Illegal.” Or another’s differences are not simply perplexing but are deemed threatening or sinful and must be shamed and condemned; sometimes the sinner must be eliminated not just lampooned or excommunicated.)

For me Picasso is not talking about destroying individuals but about breaking away from outmoded ways of sensing and conceptualizing. You often have to disrupt habit chains or decisively challenge “less tried and now accepted as true” assumptions in order to “see what everyone else has seen and think what no one else has thought” (Albert Szent-Gyorgi, Nobrl Prize-winning scientist). And while the tearing down, explosion or breaking apart process may be painful or scary, it paves the way for two essentials for creative exploration:

1) it clears the familiar playing field; you have a new (or mostly clean) canvas to work with and
2) it often induces a state of uncertainty and confusion which may drive you to perceive and build fresh, perhaps even fantastic, connections or relationships among the seemingly disjointed or random ideas and/or elements in your head or problem-solving field. As Mark Twain noted, “wit” loves to discover, play with and combine the unexpected: Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. Now whether this conjunction produces any brainchildren is another matter.

4. Discovering and Designing the Truth in a Lie. In addition to the creation-destruction paradigm, Picasso also proposed another seemingly contradictory epiphany: Art is the lie that reveals a greater truth! What does he mean by these “higher” paradoxical observations? For example Picasso drew a soon to be famous portrait of the women of letters and salons, Gertrude Stein. One viewer told the master that his painting did not look like its subject. Picasso’s reply, “Give it time…it will!” So artful exaggerations may foretell the future; they may also enable you to more clearly and less solemnly perceive the past and present.

Let me illustrate these two paradoxes – “destruction as creation” and “lie yielding truth” – by sketching my signature “psychohumorist” ™ 3 “D” – Discussion, Drawing & Diversity – team building exercise. Participants are divided into small groups (4-6 people/group). They are given about ten minutes to identify sources of workplace stress and conflict. That’s the easy part. Then in the same amount of time, the group must produce a team picture that captures the individual stress perspectives. Invariably, a number of the participants experience some confusion, if not anxiety, at the prospect of transforming individual perspective into collective visualization. But once the group realizes they have to discard or replace linear and logical thinking with visual metaphor and holistic figure-ground story telling through pictures, suddenly the conceptual and operational fog lifts…And creative energy and laughter erupts.

An Out-Rage-Ous Design

Here’s one of my favorite group designs. The audience was comprised of NASA and Lockheed Martin supervisors and managers. There definitely was a preponderance of analytical, left-brained individuals who, despite some initial puzzlement, threw themselves into the exercise. There was considerable workplace anxiety; news of budget cuts and personnel reorganization was in the air. One picture (done on full-size flipchart paper with broad-tipped colored markers) was a classic. On a cliff is a devil-like figure, with pointy ears and a long tail, with a trident in one hand, a whip in the other. The executive/devil is driving this flock of sheep to the cliff’s edge and beyond. Actually, the sheep have only one option: jumping off the cliff. And the safety net below has gaping holes. While the content is an exaggeration, you can’t miss the emotional message. And did you note the oppositional pairing of the devil and the sheep? Believe me, the crowd roared their approval.

Which brings us to the Picasso Paradox: As the devil vs. sheep picture reveals art may not just illustrate but also illuminate. Art may create exaggerations and even psycho-logical or out-rage-ous depictions that help dispel illusions. After another workshop, I recall a CEO observing, “I get written reports all the time. But these drawings give me a clearer sense of what’s really going on in the trenches.” Perhaps a vivid yet playful picture that provides a wider and deeper perspective may induce a “higher truth.”

Drawing with a group of colleagues who know your pain heightens emotional support and distance by placing tension producing images-issues in an exaggeratedly familiar and/or a novel or surprising psychological and situational context, thereby evoking stress-relieving laughter. Art often removes or at least poke holes in the “Emperor’s Clothes.” (Do you recall the maxims involving fear, mastery and laughter?: What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at. And, what was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!

For some NASA managers and employees there likely was a loss of positions. One manager-in-training in response to her company’s downsizing lamented: “I once had a career path then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it.” While such pain is surely palpable, higher humor shared with kindred spirits lightens, even if temporarily, the sense of loss and may help one to let go and rise anew. As acclaimed philosopher and author, Albert Camus, observed: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

IV. Humbling-Heroic

A. Humbling.

1. Affirming a Higher Standard of Sibling Rivalry. Years ago I shared with my younger brother (a research-oriented Clinical Psychologist) what I thought was a creative “family therapy” intervention. Without acknowledging any artfulness on my part, he immediately said, “You should have said something like…” and proceeded to come up with clever reply, albeit one that could easily be construed as insensitive, if not hurtful. When I reflexively grimaced, he retorted: “What…were you afraid the guy would have punched you out?” “No, I declared, counterpunching. “I just have a higher standard of plagiarism.” Sometimes you can slyly push back and put the other in his place while subtly reaffirming your own authority and integrity.

2. Exposing the Rigidly Righteous. A “black-white” or “all-none” person trying to reconcile seeming contradiction may well experience what psychiatrist, Richard Rabkin, called a state of "thrustration," which I defined thusly: "Thrustration occurs when you're torn between thrusting ahead with direct action and frustration as you haven't quite put together the pieces of the puzzle." Some are not able to tolerate such tension, but insist on their being “one right answer.” A truly classic New Yorker cartoon, playing off the opening lines of A Tale of Two Cities, forever lampooned the dangers of self-righteous rigidity in the face of complexity or supposed contradiction. A nattily attired, pompous looking publisher standing behind his power desk begins to chastise a humbly dressed, hat in hand Charles Dickens: "Really, Mr. Dickens…was it the best of times or was it the worst of times? It could scarcely have been both!" Can you hear the air coming out of the ego balloon?

3. Lightly Lancing the Self-Absorbed without Collateral Damage. As a workshop leader, I'm often questioned or challenged. I don't mind being put on the spot. Actually, in a weird kind of way, I get excited. I'm up for the intellectual and psychological confrontation; maybe adrenalin is my mental testosterone. However, I am concerned when others get caught in the collateral crossfire. For example, I was leading a two-person role-play exercise for a federal government agency that was reorganizing. One role-play dyad involved a rather good-looking gentleman in his late 50s and a woman no more than half his age. In the role-play, the gentleman is to try and help his partner grapple with an actual problem: with the agency's reorganization, the young lady is being transferred to another department. She is upset both with the loss of the familiar - tasks, colleagues and friends - and because her commuting time may now double or triple.

In the feedback segment, the suave-looking fellow raises his hand and, with a somewhat self-important tone, comments, "I didn't really have my heart in this exercise." Glancing at the woman, I catch a fleeting but perceptibly pained expression. Looking at me, she exclaims, "I thought he was sincere." In the pregnant moment, a face-saving reply spontaneously generates. Turning to the fellow and the audience, I playfully observe, "Gee, you know this guy broke a lot of hearts when he was younger." Well, our male lead cracks up laughing, and the audience, including our female protagonist, follows suit.

When I share this vignette, people often ask: "How did you come up with that response?" My answer can only be speculative; events transpired so quickly. But here are some of the variables that I was processing:

a) the age-difference between the players,
b) the striking appearance of the gentleman,
c) his too detached or self-centered statement,
d) her pained look, and
e) my own empathy for the young woman when a belief (about her partner's intentions with respect to her plight) is contradicted; also, I suspect she's feeling duped or somewhat exposed.

So my psychohumorist goals are manifold: to help our female player in distress save face while lancing, with a subtle thrust, Senor Suave from his high horse, yet still allowing for a gentle(man's) landing. And the psychic swordsmanship is double-edged: while appealing to his vanity and former conquests, that is, stroking his ego, I'm also lightly exposing his egocentric manner and "too cool" persona.

Psychohumorist ™ Tip: Try unusual or unexpected observations and interpretations of events. First, this will surprise the parties involved. And, if you've captured some understanding of the setting, actions and/or motives, then you just may relax or disarm defenses. It's safer to acknowledge our foibles when they are playfully teased out with laughter. So seek the higher power of humor: May the Farce Be with You!

B. Heroic.

1. Burnout Battlefront Humor. Heroic humor is not just daring and valiant; it’s also “M*A*S*H” humor”-like enabling us to survive the burnout battlefront. I recall a stress workshop with VA Hospital Head Nurses. These women were feeling stretched to the limit by demanding doctors, impatient patients and visitors, staff productivity and morale pressures, not enough supplies, difficulty communicating with the administration, etc. The tension in the room both crackled and hung heavy like an impending storm or siege. Then each nurse thunderously barked her name and work station: Johnson, W-14, Thomas, W-16, Sanders, W-20, etc. I reflexively responded: "It sounds like you're reporting from your battle stations." The spontaneous and palpable sighs and nodding heads let me know I was psychologically on target.

At the same time, these nurses knew how to circle their medicine carts against those perceived antagonists or, at least, to defuse momentarily their "combat fatigue" with some feisty survival humor. The nurses' favorite supervisory battle cry: "Do your eight and hit the gate," "Nine to five and stay alive." Hey, she who laughs last...lasts!

Alas, there are limitations to this kind of heroic humor and the respite it provides. Such humor, based on frustration and aggression, while understandable, too easily results in an "us against them" mindset. Overt conflict or passive-aggressive behavior patterns spilling into operations and work relations is almost predictable. Remember, sometimes the most important thing survival humor can do is provide a warning signal when your capacity for laughter dries up, when your funny bone has gone totally numb: it’s likely time for some “R & R” if not permanently moving away from harm’s way.

2. Unconventionally Defusing Systemic Tension in a Hazardous Environs. The next “battlefront” scenario comes from a State Department Manager stationed at the American Embassy in Kuwait in 1990 as war clouds were gathering in darkness and intensity. Not surprisingly, war-zone tension began to invade in-house. Being restricted to the compound was exacerbating stress levels; interpersonal sniping was on the rise and generating numbers of working wounded. The Ambassador decided to intervene before the internal grumbling and overt grousing eroded psychological coping capacity and organizational morale. He told his second-in-command to inform personnel that the next day was a holiday and that all embassy staff would be going to the beach.

His deputy, incredulous, protested: “Sir, a war could break out any moment. It’s not safe to leave the compound!” The Ambassador, nevertheless, reaffirmed his desire to have people ready to go to the beach the next morning.

Bright and early the next day the Ambassador descended the stairs in bathing trunks and robe while carrying a blowup rubber ducky. Most personnel were not similarly attired. “Ye of little faith,” declared the Ambassador and proceeded to march everyone outside. And lo and behold, during the night, somehow, this Ambassador had managed to have tons of sand trucked in and dumped in the compound. And staff had a tension-relieving, fun-filled day at the beach. The in-house stress siege was broken; the embassy personnel regrouped their individual and group resources and professionally weathered the war storm.

Strategic Points. Defying conventions or rules, whether in relation to an external enemy or, when critical, even regarding departmental procedures is a key weapon in the motivational humorist’s bag of tricks. When an authority figure is both brave and playfully absurd in the face of hazardous threat or bureaucratic rigidity, the role-modeling and morale-building effect is contagious. (This scenario surely illustrates the incongruous function of humor.) Add some visual props and others can come out of their battle shell and play. Active planning for and participating in a group grief process such as a Forms Funeral (Part I) or in a absurdly defiant Beach Ventilation-Celebration allows stressed individuals to go from pawns to performers, immediately enhancing a feeling of self control and communal safety. And team rejuvenation, not just tension relief, may be your final reward.

3. Be Vivid and Visual, Surprising and Self-Effacing…and Out-Rage-Ous. I invariably close out my "Practice Safe Stress" workshop (a clever witticism, in my humble opinion) by informing the audience of my secret identity. Putting on a Blues Brothers hat, black sunglasses and pulling out a black tambourine, I then announce my pioneering efforts in the field of psychologically humorous rap music, calling it, of course…"Shrink Rap" ™ Productions. Once the groans subside, I counter: "We'll see who has the last groan," and suddenly belt out, while prancing about the room:

When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette...

The boss makes demands yet gives little control
So you pray on chocolate and wish life were dull.
But office desk’s a mess, often skipping meals.
Inside your car looks like a pocket book on wheels!

There's more, but I'll spare you. (Actually, the Rap Performance maybe lasts 90 seconds. I’m definitely following Shakespeare’s pronouncement: “Brevity is the soul of wit.”)

The crowd goes from bewildered to bowled over. After the laughter and applause dies down, I revert to self-effacing form: "That's okay; I've been doing this long enough. I know when an audience is applauding out of relief." I then sneak in a self-effacing counter to the applause, with a disclaimer: “After twenty years of all kinds of therapy – from Jungian Analysis to Primal Scream – I have one singular accomplishment…absolutely no appropriate sense of shame.” (People may question my capacity to sing or keep a beat. I often say, “Another white boy without rhythm.” However, no one questions my daring or courage.)

My final comment is delivered in a slightly smug manner: “I know what you’re thinking: ‘Mark, don’t quit your day-job.’ It’s too late…This is my day job!”

Clearly, I’m joyfully on the performance edge. Providing some witty lyrics while poking fun at my own absurdity – definitely confronting my “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure” – is a great way to break down barriers and bond with an audience. (I’m both “saying funny things” and “saying things in a funny way.” The former reflects the essence of wit; the latter, humor.) The audience truly gets a taste of exuberant energy, for which so many folks hunger. And, remember, people embrace and are more open to a serious message when it's gift-wrapped with humor.

Perhaps two complementary aphorisms capture this unique role of interactive heroic humor as both catalyst and bridge in the process from victim to vision to vital action:

"What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." (Ernst Kris, Psychiatrist)
"What was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master." (Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc")

So, hopefully, you now are inspired to pursue some luminous lunacy, to explore the role of heroically healing humorist, maybe even to put all “Eight ‘H’ Humor Styles” into action – Healing-Hostile, Harmonizing-Harpooning, Humanizing-Higher Power, and Humbling-Heroic. Surely, such commitment and courage just might help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. An Adjunct Professor at Northern VA (NOVA) Community College, the Doc is leading Stress, Team Building and Humor programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR); email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Ten Years After: A Personal Remembrance of Sep 11th – Strategies for Grieving, Surviving and Evolving

2011-09-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

I just finished writing a 9/11 Anniversary Essay, pasted below and attached. If you think it appropriate, please feel free to use, share, pass on to friends & family, or to appropriate publication channels in your area and beyond. An enthusiastic response from an Associate Editor for the FBI is below.

Thanks. Take care.

Mark
----------------------------

A Board Member of the Greater Metro-DC Region of Federally Employed Women (FEW; an educational-legal-support association for government employees) recently wrote,

"Are you planning to write something for the 9/11 anniversary coming up. I bet a lot of people would like to hear you on this stress related topic. It’s going to be a very tough road for some of those people even though they will have a number of events going on. Thanks."

Below is my response. Thank you Lyn for your inspiring note.
---------------------------

Mark,

I just read your article. It's incredible!!! The story about your girlfriend brought tears to my eyes. How poignant! I will definitely share!

Keep writing! You're an inspiration to me! Gotta go! Take care and keep in touch Mark!

Ciao for now! {smile}

Linda L. Fresh
Associate Editor
FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin
Outreach and Communications Unit
Training Division, Quantico, Virginia
--------------------------

Ten Years After: A Personal Remembrance of Sep 11th –
Strategies for Grieving, Surviving and Evolving

An earthquake…a hurricane…and an upcoming ten-year anniversary; whew, what a powerful trifecta to close out the summer. And as unnerving and disruptive as the first two have been (or continue to be), neither evokes the indelible 9/11 images and memories of planes crashing into the Twin Towers and dive-bombing the Pentagon, of billowing smoke and raging fires, of buildings and walls crumbling, of a sun eclipsed by a biblical swarm of fluttering yet forever suspended gray ash and white paper (the anti-manna from heaven), of courageous passengers storming a cockpit or civil service heroes marching up a staircase while throngs desperately file out, of people running incredulously and sobbing uncontrollably…or heads and hearts just numb, dazed or frozen in fear.

Not having been directly at any ground zero point on Sep 11, 2001, there’s an immediate, mind-body-soul shocking 9/11 perspective that will always elude me. However, ten years ago, I was both living in the District on that day of infamy (about 1.5 miles from the White House) and then, three days later, journeyed by rail to NYC to be with my family (despite sketchy rumors of bomb threats at Penn Station). The most vivid memory still is meandering through downtown Manhattan’s Washington and Union Square Parks that night, bodies aimlessly streaming by, with those smiling pictures and posters, “screaming” with Munch-like intensity, pleading helplessly for missing loved ones. The background sounds of mournful strumming and voices whispering, the flickering lights of scattered campfires, with human features cast in haunting shadows; yet occasional nods from heads passing by: “we’re still here”…One could hardly escape the “end of the world,” post-apocalyptic imagery.

And yet the world goes on, even if at times we seem to be going through the (e)motions. Why do we take the time to recall this day of poignancy and pain – a decade later? Surely to honor that array of humanity who lost their lives; and to acknowledge and support those who lost treasured family, friends and colleagues. But also to recognize the people who survived in body, but whose heads and hearts have been forever seared, contorted in a Rubik’s Cube of unending questions. While buildings and monuments may be erected, there are some voids which can never truly be filled.

A Vignette Close to Home

My girlfriend’s experience has shined light on this truth. She lost her 18 year old daughter in a car accident sixteen years ago, on Sep 11th! (For my girlfriend, 9/11 was/is like ripping apart a nearly yet never quite closed scab; a reopening of her personal Pandora’s Box.) Years had to go by before a semblance of life’s “normal” ups and downs could return. Attending the local chapter of the national support group “Compassionate Friends” (typically composed of parents, sometimes other family members, grieving the loss of a child or sibling of any age) kept her sane, if not saved her life. One day-at-a-time sleepwalking and fighting to go on imperceptibly transforms the interminable exile in purgatory – a smile returns, then, unconsciously, one day she does not make a pilgrimage to her daughter’s room; she can go whitewater rafting – a trip that her daughter will never make – without drowning in guilt. Eventually she steps up to a leadership role in her support group, sharing a sadder yet wiser healing heart with the newly grieving.

Yet every day the loss is still there. Pictures of Cecily abound; her passions and hopes are still vividly cited. And when a friend or acquaintance spontaneously recalls a Cecily memory or moment my girlfriend’s whole being vibrates: her daughter has not been forgotten. And still, especially on anniversary dates or the eve thereof – birthdays (Cecily’s is Valentine’s Day), the doubly daunting day of Cecily’s death, etc. – she invariably contracts what I call the “psychic flu.” Normally a high energy, effervescent individual, for 24 to 48 hours a quiet melancholy descends; she needs to be alone with her thoughts. A rub on the top of her head or a brief massage of her shoulders may be the only way for me to connect and be close.

But whether fired by courage or compulsion, this silent communion keeps her daughter’s spirit alive, inside, where the original seeds of life took form, and now where ongoing traces of memory can regenerate. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

Stress Doc “Top Ten”

So what does the Stress Doc recommend for this upcoming anniversary? Consider these ten stress relieving, memory shaping and mind-body-soul-soothing-and-searching suggestions. It’s time!

1. Reflection Time. Create some quiet reflection time; not just thoughts of 9/11 but all kinds of unfinished grieving can be stirred around emotional markers and milestones; e.g., a friend, John, a former Artillery officer during the Vietnam War, was surprised that he was still feeling a sense of malaise a week after 9/11. Upon reminding him how years back his first wife lost her life in a house fire despite John’s heroic rescue efforts, he suddenly looked at me intently and said, “I hadn’t thought of that,”

2. Tears, Sorrow and Phoenix Time. If necessary, allow tears to flow; remember, there’s a real difference between, “Feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your sorrow. When feeling sorry for yourself, you tend to blame others; when feeling your sorrow, you have the courage to face your pain. At times, we all need to embrace our sorrow.” The courage to embrace pain ultimate fuels a greater purpose. As I once wrote in haiku-like fashion:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

3. Intimate Connection Time. Spend time and connect with loved ones; if there are young children in your life, nurture that bond; offer up both pictures and stories of your family’s founding mothers and fathers and, if possible, of generations beyond,

4. Group Sharing Time. Share moods and memories with a group who have walked in your shoes, (and can feel those bunions), especially if there are folks with whom you can reveal both tears of hurt and laughter; during these poignant periods, talking briefly with a spiritual advisor or a professional counselor may also prove to be an emotionally liberating step,

5. Playful Memory Time. Recall and communicate a playful memory of a missing loved one; engage in an activity that the loved one liked to do,

6. Be in Nature Time. Take a walk in a forest, listen to the soothing sounds of a flowing stream (hopefully not an overflowing river); reconnect with our universal mother – “Mother Nature” – and your own spiritual essence,

7. Bubble Bath Time. Immerse yourself in a warm bubble bath with soulful music and scented candles; treat yourself to some aromatherapy; (just leave the door or window open a crack; as a Stress Doc newsletter reader once reminded me, don’t let the candles suck all the oxygen out of the room),

8. Journaling Time. Try journaling; write your own 9/11 essay, poem or remembrance memorial, whatever the occasion or the person you are missing; research shows that quickly sketching out your emotions and then examining and reconfiguring them through a more analytic lens has stress relieving value; memories are not set in stone, but can be lovingly shaped by various modes of recalling, reliving and retelling,

9. Friendship-Building Time. Use this anniversary to build a friendship with someone new; how about with a person of a different generation or culture? I can’t think of a better 9/11 legacy than this anniversary motivating each of us to take small but significant steps to bridge the human divide; also, follow the lead of military spouses: when their soldiers go down range, each one partners with a “battlefield buddy.” Surely, in these uncertain, pressure-packed times we all need a “battlefield” or workplace “stress buddy,” and

10. Discovering Passion Time. Find a source of passion in your personal or professional life; especially an activity that allows you to develop a skill, to bring out or evolve those more authentic, deep and richly complex parts of yourself. Sometimes it’s returning to a hobby or an interest that we once deemed “childish.” Or, consider my father’s passionate mid-life commitment. As a youngster, he shied away from sports because his older brother was the “natural” athlete. In his mid-40s, he decided to try his hand and mind at tennis, at first a scary undertaking. Dad truly became a devoted student of the game, taking lessons, continuously practicing against a handball court wall, initially hitting with my brother and me, and eventually playing games with others. Discovering that he had athletic abilities helped reconfigure an outdated and distorted self-image. This new undertaking also motivated him to stop years of smoking. And beating his gifted brother in a tennis match was a crowning mid-life achievement!

A Final Maxim and Mantra

As the pioneering scientist, Jonas Salk, declared: Evolution is about getting up one more time than we fall down; being courageous one more time than we are fearful; and trusting just one more time than we are anxious.

I've decided to “walk” my talk; sort of putting Salk’s maxim to the test – I’m flying to Alaska on Sep 11th. It’s the beginning of a three city speaking tour for the Alaska State Civil Litigation Division. (I’m also taking some time in between to hike and meditate in Denali National Park.)

In closing, I don’t have illusions of this anniversary bringing us together as a nation; but perhaps we at FEW (Federally Employed Women) can make some difference by extending an arm around a colleague’s shoulder, or listening compassionately to a sister or brother – both literal and metaphoric. My latest mantra: Grieve, let go and inspire flow. Surely words and actions to help one and all move ahead with courage and conviction and, of course, to…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building. Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"

Retreat Exercises and Interventions that Changed Organizational Cultures: Two Unexpected Discoveries and Declarations

2011-08-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

Last week produced a “déjà vu” experience although it was definitely not the “déjà vu all over again” variety. For only the second time in my speaking career I received unanticipated feedback from participants of a workshop two or more years after the actual event. This is not trivial as one of the challenging aspects of being a speaker and “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ is whether my entertaining “soft skills” programs have any tangible long-term consequences. Delayed feedback is especially meaningful when the workshop or conference event is a one shot effort or there isn’t a planned follow-up.

Before illustrating the present let me fondly recall the past. About five years ago, at a conference for various legal professionals, a manager from a large DC law firm greeted me: “Hello, Stress Doc.” Upon seeing my sheepishly puzzled grin, she continued. “Don’t you remember you spoke to the managers of our law firm…And we did the drawing exercise?” (First, the two-hour workshop had likely been held four or five years prior. To further clarify, the aforementioned exercise, now named my “Three ‘D’ – Discussion-Drawing-Diversity – Team Building Exercise,” is the closing showstopper at most speaking and workshop events. Basically it asks groups of 4-6 participants to identify sources of everyday workplace stress and conflict or to list barriers to more effective and creative team coordination. After ten minutes of discussion people are given an equal amount of time to transform their verbal ideas into a visual story or metaphoric image, e.g., a sinking ship, a slippery mountain slope, a three-ring circus, a menacing “troublesaurus” stalking the workers at a plant, etc. Participants then do a “gallery walk” eyeballing their colleagues’ images without discussing their team’s creation. Finally, each group selects a spokesperson and holder for the “show and tell.” Of course I remind the groups, “Don’t everybody volunteer to be a holder!” The closing exercise invariably becomes a “Show and Tell morphing into an ‘Aha,’ ‘I’m Not Alone’ and Lampooning Laughter” experience. It’s a visceral-verbal-visual four “c”-ing event – building “camaraderie, collaboration, creativity and community.”)

Enough background, let’s return to the manager’s story. Once again my silence triggered another question and explanation: “Don’t you remember our “stress picture” and what you said?” My look must have said, “Tell me more.” She continued: “Our group drew these pigeons overhead with people standing below. And raining down on the crowd were these brown pellets. Then, before we could comment further, you chimed in with, ‘Oh, Raisinets.’”

While I was mentally patting myself on the back, the woman shared the real impact of the experience beyond her personal vivid memories and my clever reframe. As it turned out, the exercise became woven into the corporate culture. Whenever a stress or crisis issue arose that disrupted all the managers, the head of the managers would buy a box of Raisinets for all the participants. Talk about keeping workshop meaning, morale and momentum alive. Now that’s an “emotionally intelligent” leader!

The Name Game

The second vignette involved my leading a day-long “Team Building” offsite for managers of an IT Division of the Department of Commerce in July 2011. I had led a somewhat similar retreat with this group two years earlier. For the 2011 retreat I wanted to use a different opening – my “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” Exercise. Basically, groups of three or four discuss, “How does your ‘Brain, Body and Behavior’ let you know when you’re under more stress than usual?” However, the “Three B’s” didn’t have a chance.

The manager’s group clamored for our 2009 icebreaker: “The Nickname Exercise.” They enthusiastically recited names that two years later are still in play and continue to evoke peals of laughter. Now they desired to give nicknames to the new managers; some folks even wanted to do a personal name upgrade. (These are IT geeks and gurus after all!) All this banter provided incontrovertible evidence of the Director’s pithy observation: “That exercise really stuck!”

Let me outline the exercise. In small groups, team members interview each other, trying to discern quirky yet essential or even contradictory aspects of a personality or character. Nicknames often reflect a person’s passion or talent, while gently skewering the same. I especially like ones which have a playfully teasing or self-effacing quality. The best of them are usually visual and alliterative and may be a play on words. Two years before I had provided some examples: “The Splendid Splinter” (lean and lanky baseball legend, Ted Williams), “The Louisville Lip” (Cassius Clay’s nickname before he became Mohammed Ali and “The Greatest”) or “Sitting Bull” (which was, of course, not a nickname but his Native American appellation). Since then, I’ve added to my repertoire. One day a Ft. Hood 1st Sergeant who had witnessed my animated speaking style told his colleagues, “The Doc is a ‘firecracker.’” Then a month later, another workshop participant commented on my meaningful, “philosophical” approach to subject matter. Now a personal moniker (in addition to “Stress Doc,” provided me years ago by the TV Editor of the New Orleans’ Times Picayune) jumped out: Philosophical Firecracker! The nickname aptly captures a Yin-Yang duality – having both an introspective (cave) and extraverted (stage) nature.

Returning to our IT Managers, these folks came up with a bounty of nicknames, both past and present: “Hit and Run,” (a troubleshooting consultant), “Southern Comfort,” (a name reflecting both family geography and a mostly soft spoken, empathic temperament) and “The Logical Lotus” (an analytical Asian woman). Some people had been anticipating this exercise, one fellow changed his to “The Great Kudzu” (as he has to be everywhere; I don’t recall his original name), another Director chose “Crazy Glue” over “Super Glue” (though it was clear he was viewed as instrumental in keeping the division together, if just barely, on the functional side of “more work than can ever be managed” chaos).

Still…Not the Whole Story

While the Nickname Exercise had staying power, this time around it was our beginning and ending process that truly was empowering. By going with the group flow and frolic and delaying my planned opening agenda, we all immediately began to bond. And clearly, I was comfortable sharing the reins of control with the group. An unspoken question often hovering in the retreat workshop shadows: what is the optimal balance between spontaneity and structure?

After “Nickname: Part II,” I orchestrated a series of exercises culminating in one that would have small groups problem solving division-specific issues related to communication and role-boundary-follow-up breakdowns. Just as I was about to introduce this problem-solving exercise, “The Logical Lotus” asked if we could begin addressing communication and coordination issues specific to the group. Clearly, the managers and I were converging towards the same spontaneous-structured agenda page. And my subsequent role transition from workshop leader to group process observer-participant, actually sharing the facilitator role and once again following the group’s lead, appeared critical to our evolving success as a working partnership. Consider these illustrative testimonials:

U.S. Department of Commerce | International Trade Administration
[One-day Management Retreat/team building workshop/facilitation for 15 Information Technology Division Managers, Glen Allen, VA]

July 12, 2011

Thanks Mark. I too appreciated the way you let us run with our own issues during the second half of our session, and agree with you that between the two of us, we helped the group produce some useful outcomes.

The challenge now is follow up. Haha!

I’ve got a return engagement for you on our list of follow-up actions, so I’m hoping it will not be too far in the future. It sounded like the fall would be a realistic time.

Thanks for your contribution to our team in the two sessions we have had with you. It has been fun and productive.

Rod Smart
Director, IT Policy and Coordination
Office of the CIO
U.S. Department of Commerce | International Trade Administration
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July 8, 2011

Hello Mark,

Thank you for bending your program backwards to help us applying your approach to our daily problems. I think we understood better and learned more solid both our problems and your approach. Your facilitation pushed us to think, take actions, and be accountable for result.

Thank you for including me in your newsletter list. I’m looking forward to learning more your wisdom and approach.

Thanks,

Haiping Lou
[Editor’s note: “The Logical Lotus”]
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Closing Summary

Two vignettes unexpectedly reveal the staying power of group exercises as well as their impact on organizational culture. The discoveries were illustrated by chance and planned encounters which enabled reflecting on past experience as well as understanding and going with the group process flow. Key factors include: a) interactive and imaginative exercises that allow for participants to poke playful fun, b) meaningful sharing and creative interplay strengthening a sense of camaraderie and community, and c) the leader or facilitator recognizing the meaning of the interchange while acknowledging and following the group’s pain and passion, energy and ideas. Words to cultivate a collaborative culture and to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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Practice Safe Stress: Using Humor to Build Resiliency

2011-08-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

For the Sep 27th "Wellness Summit" in Indianapolis sponsored by the Indiana Chamber of Conference and the Indiana Wellness Council, I've been asked to write a brief promotional article about my upcoming Keynote -- "Practice Safe Stress: Using Humor to Build Resiliency." They're expecting at least 500 people. It should be a blast!

I think my piece below conveys the anticipated thought-provoking energy, spirit and FUN. Enjoy!

Mark

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

301-875-2567
www.stressdoc.com
stressdoc@aol.com
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Practice Safe Stress: Using Humor to Build Resiliency

Practice Safe Stress…Just what does it mean? The short answer is it’s an attitude and a way of grappling with a challenging and uncertain world by appreciating and actively engaging with life’s demands, disappointments and disruptions. At the same time, a “Safe Stress” practitioner achieves some detached involvement by artfully playing with prevailing rigidities, negativities and absurdities. No less an authority than the inimitable film pioneer, Charlie Chaplin, saw an essential duality of human existence and adaptation: “The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy!” (Alas, for a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ it may be a bit too late. I let the audience decide where the emphasis on that last word should go.”)

My goal is to help an audience become more FIT by making a program Fun, Interactive & Thought-Provoking. And to achieve this I have my Triple “A” method: we’ll grapple with some Anxiety, act out a little Aggression (I bet some folks are getting excited) and, finally, engage life’s slings and arrows with some playful yet purposeful Absurdity. I can imagine some brows furrowing and minds wondering: “Just what is ‘playful yet purposeful absurdity?’” The best way, perhaps, to capture its essence is by shedding some light on my geographic diversity and destiny: I’m originally from Brooklyn and Queens; then in my mid-twenties I moved to New Orleans to study at Tulane University School of Social Work. Not surprisingly, I became enchanted with “The Big Easy” and stayed for sixteen (my “American in Cajun Paris”) years – first, burning out on a doctoral dissertation, and then becoming an expert on stress and burnout (hey, I’m no dummy). I did university teaching and broke into radio and TV and became known as the “Stress Doc” ™. Anyway, returning to our geography lesson…after sixteen years, there were no more mountains to climb in the bayou and I now had this urge to move to Washington, D.C. I didn’t understand it till I got there, but soon realized if NYC and N’Awlins had a baby it would look like Washington, DC. (I still haven’t quite decided if it’s a love child.)

Safe Stress in Action

So how do you put Playful/Purposeful Absurdity into action with an audience? Here’s one “warm-up” example: I like to start with my small group, “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” Exercise: “How does your Brain, Body and Behavior let you know when you are under more stress than usual?” Each group generates their own list and a few groups share their compilation of stress smoke signals. Naturally, I can’t resist bantering with the groups. For example, when someone mentions overeating, I counter that it can go both ways, asking the audience, “How many people tend to eat more when under stress to numb those anxious feelings?” A sea of hands invariably goes up. Then, “How many folks lose their appetite and eat less when there’s a gnawing knot in the stomach?” A few hands wave feebly. Of course, my immediate reply: “And we hate those people, don’t we,” invariably followed by a roomful of knowing laughter. Acknowledging and laughing at our own flaws and foibles is the foundation for self-acceptance, empathizing with others (not just walking in another’s shoes, but feeling their bunions), and even taking problem-solving steps.

Of course, we discuss the “b”-word when it comes to stress…though, I suppose, there can be several “b”-words that come to mind. But my focus is that “erosive spiral” – burnout. Sample this definition: Burnout’s a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, confusion, a feeling of being drained having nothing more to give. Doesn’t sound like fun!

But we will have fun by helping you recognize or break out of the burnout stages/cycle, provide key steps for dealing with loss and change, and share some outrageous laughs while defusing self-defeating power struggles. And finally, we’ll put it all together (or let it all blow apart) with a closing stress relieving, resiliency building, laugh producing and creativity, camaraderie and community generating 3 “D” – Team Discussion-Drawing-Diversity – Exercise. People really are more open to a serious message when it's gift-wrapped with humor.

So seek the higher power of Stress Doc humor: May the Farce Be with You!

Don’t miss your appointment with the Stress Doc!

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building. Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs.

Stress Doc Mantra: Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!

Reflections on Readers’ Responses to “Requiem for a ‘Last Angry Man’”

2011-07-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

As a writer and communicator, this has been an unprecedented week. First, I took the plunge and wrote about my dad’s recent death while also reflecting on his immigrant family “fight to life” struggles and the ebbs and flows, the highs and lows of a father-son relationship. (For the essay, email stressdoc@aol.com or Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™: A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man”: A Son's Eulogy or http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/07/requiem-for-last-angry-man-sons-eulogy.html .) However, what has most moved me, actually, unsettled me, hopefully in a good way, is the outpouring from readers of my blogs. Who are these readers?: some are friends, some are friends who’ve become “family,” some are colleagues or clients through my speaking or coaching work, some are former AOL chat/stress support group members, but many are people who I’ve come to know (or, at least, have some connection with) in response to an initial online question or request that then encouraged a mutual, often soulful dialogue of ideas and emotions. This communication trigger was usually related to a host of psychological or interpersonal questions or issues played out in our own hearts and minds, in personal relationships and with our families, or via the struggles in today’s demanding-challenging workplace.

Before engaging in further reflection about readers’ responses, here’s one conceptual observation. I often hear or read that non-verbal communication – such as facial expression or body language – is so much more powerful than the written or spoken word in conveying a message or influencing the message’s interpretation or its impact on a receiver. Alas, I believe the power of words is being shortchanged, if not swallowed up, in today’s hyper-visual-hyperactive-hyperlinked world. Once again this week has demonstrated that a recipe of:

a) clear and (relatively) concise, emotive and analytical, written/verbal communication regarding our diverse yet overarching “life and death” human experience that
b) portrays ideas and actions reflecting hard-earned knowledge, humble uncertainty, and interpersonal integrity through
c) personal inflection along with universal imagery and empathy (i.e., “not only have we walked in common shoes, but also have similar bunions”) and that
d) yields provocative stories mixing poignancy, playfulness and/or passion that may well provide food for thought if not a psychological feast from which a varied group of individuals can share a common table, dine and converse – both nurturing themselves and one another.

Insights and Intuitions

Enough of my writer’s recipe and rant…so what has the Stress Doc learned from this prolific, poignant and passionate sharing?

1) there’s a community of compassionate people who will stop and take the time to read your words, to acknowledge you and reach out when human connection is needed and wanted, maybe more than I fully realized (both regarding this community’s extent and vibrancy as well as my own need for connection and nurturance; as a wise friend, recently retired from the military, exhorted: “be tough…just not too tough”),

2) I feel like “Requiem for a ‘Last Angry Man’” touched a mental-emotional mind field and readers’ memories and personal associations poured forth. I suspect writing about my father made the piece especially evocative; it seems considerable numbers have tangibly distant, opaque, explosive, complicated, double-edged relations with their fathers or perhaps with the significant males in their lives; or lost a father figure way too soon,

3) there’s something about the subject of death, the final earthly transition, that especially speaks to those presently in the depths of personal and/or professional loss or transition; perhaps death is a reminder that the clock is always ticking and it will eventually wind down: when once there seemed unlimited time, now there’s a sense of time running out. Should I hold on and hope; should I let go and daringly jump? Or am I ready to let go and reach out? If I may appropriate one reader’s compelling observation, is it time to find “the courage to face those emotional demons square in the eye?”

4) in addition to the sheer numbers, the quality of many of the responses – the thoughtfulness and insightfulness, hints of pain and poignancy or open expressions of the same – however brief, say to me that most of us have multi-generational, richly deep and complex, if not sometimes chaotic, family/relationship stories to tell and share…and, I believe, we need to do so. On the one hand, I want to say sooner rather than later; yet, I realize it took my father’s death to give birth to the requiem. But I have been cogitating about him and trying to capture our intense relationship, and the implications for my own identity and career struggles within a family context for many years. (And clearly I’m not alone in this quest.) Here is a poem written around 1992:

Gravity’s Edge

Dad, I had a dream
A dream for only you
Why were you so lost in space?
A silent world so blue.

I was but a moon
You my rising sun
Both shadowed by our mother earth
Did you have to run?

How was I to know
Your flame was dying out?
My protective blazing star now
Sucked by soular doubt.

Daddy, daddy there’s a hole
Black as it can be
I’m falling, falling
Faster, faster
Who are you? Who me?

Daddy there’s a hole
Black as it can be
I’m falling, falling
Faster, faster
Who are you? Who me?

Drifting on the edge
Outside our galaxy
The void is now my only light
The price of being free.

Can I accept the fate that
Defies gravity
To forsake my body earth
And do his artistry.

It’s moon time; the force of rhyme
Lunacy’s ebb and flow.
A moment of connection, yet
Again…I must let go.
Must let go.
Let go.
Go.
O…NO!

Daddy, there’s a whole
Bright as it can be
Blinding, banging
All expanding.
I and Thou are Me.

(c) Mark Gorkin 1992
Shrink Rap™ Productions
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So please, drawing on mind, heart and soul, start or continue to capture and express images of those most burning, searing hot-icy relations and interactions that scorch and blister as well as lighten up and illuminate our past, present and future. And share with others your luminous or dark, or darkly luminous, stories – whether a radiant touchstone or a small quiet gem. They are more compelling than we often imagine. (Please see readers’ sparkling bright, yet also subtly shaded and shadowed, healing crystals below.) I have a newfound and profound respect for the simple adage: “Each one teach one!” Words to help us all grieve, reintegrate and embark on new journeys, and to…Practice Safe Stress!
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Reader’s Responses to a “Requiem”

Thanks for sharing, Mark. So many people would never have had the courage to face those emotional demons square in the eye, as you did with loving results. What a tremendous complement your dad gave you when he said that never before had he felt so loved. We are all works in progress. . . but sometimes it’s so hard to let go of the hurt from the past and recognize that we are who we are today because of those struggles. . . and triumphs. You have honored your dad’s legacy in trying to understand his struggles. . .and in sharing his story. I’m not a therapist, but I know that grief is a difficult emotion that seems to wax and wane sort of like an ocean wave. Here’s wishing you a peaceful journey.

P.S. Keep those blog posts coming... there’s always something in them that touches me or reminds me of another way to look at things.

Miriam
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Dear Mark:

I know you from the NIH and once participated in your 17th Street groups, this was way back in the day. I felt compelled to write in response to your requiem/eulogy, and to send you sympathy over what must be an epic loss. What follows are some very random, disconnected thoughts:

Many of the things you wrote about run through countless American families, especially families touched by the Depression, immigration, the War, or the Holocaust. They include alcoholism, military service (as a form of escape), depression, uncontrolled anger, and abuse (I speak mainly of the verbal kind here -- screaming, tantrums). I think an entire generation was lost to trauma from world events played out around them. Those individuals inherited their parents' depression, anger, and rage, much like family heirlooms. And often those traits have been passed down to us, their descendants.

I always like to say people don’t know what they need to know when they need to know it. Your own father, perhaps having to do with environment, training, and upbringing, didn’t know what he needed to know (about parenting, himself, life). Mental health professionals then didn’t know then much of what they know now. And of course children born into these dramas are left to make their way in the world with the faulty information they are provided. So by time they reach their 50s and 60s, they look back at the events of the past with insight gained over a lifetime. But if only it could be applied, but one can't travel back in time.

I think people who grew up in the Depression, give or take a decade, are tough nuts to crack because they had it so tough: wearing cardboard shoes, walking for miles to school, poor insulation from the cold, and absent, angry (often immigrant) parents. I think our parents and their parents were/are largely traumatized. My father told me he never had toys; toys were something other kids had. Not a single toy. He played with sticks. He said if you had a stick and a knife, you were at the top of the world.

In her later years, my own Grandmother refused to eat margarine because of the deprivation she once experienced. Butter was once out of reach, so she made sure to reach for it when it was there. She also never forgave Japan for Pearl Harbor and wouldn't have anything to do with the Japanese, including sushi and Japanese products. These were ways she could get back at that country.

There’s a certain personality type of a hustler, meaning someone who had to hustle to survive. I see this in my own dad and his mother, both of whom came from immigrant stock and scratched and clawed their way out of a hole. A rubber band, a length of twine, or a lid from a plastic container were all saved for their potential use. This meant the accumulation of many things the rest of us would otherwise toss away easily. They were deeply affected by their immigrant background and by the deprivation they once experienced.

Now, my father and I stare at each other (he’s 80) when I visit. There is much left unsaid. But we understand a great deal. And we go on. I send you my condolences and wish you peace.

Stephanie

-----------------------------

What a lovely piece. I, too, have been dealing with my parents’ mortality; my mom died a few years ago at age 84, and my 88 year old father’s dementia is progressing many miles away from where I live. Like your father, mine was not always an easy man to live with. But you capture well the lifetime of struggle and connection with those we love dearly, despite the ways they may fail us—or we them.

It is always wonderful to hear someone who can really write put these kinds of stories forward. Many thanks for that. Keep writing and keep growing. And please accept my condolences--for you and your family.

Best regards,
Nancy
------------------------------

Wow. I am so happy that you shared this. Someday, I should commit to written words something similar. I was asked to eulogize my Dad at his funeral. It was tough, but also cathartic…just talking about my weird, eccentric, brave father in public. Hang tough Amigo. It gets no easier. Last night, H (my youngest) was helping me sort through 30+ years of memorabilia all stored over time in numerous Rubbermaid containers. (great visual for a book there…”Going Through the Rubbermaids”!) In them were many pictures of my Dad and my Opa…neither of whom H ever met. I would look at a picture, or read a letter Dad sent me while I was deployed to some far-flung battle zone…and H got to know his grandfather a bit from that. So, they never leave you as long as you don’t leave them.

Much love…you’re a Hell of a mensch yourself, BTW!
LP
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Mark, that is such a beautiful eulogy to your father. My condolences to you and your family. Best wishes, through tears…

sure, you can share with my full name and full blessing. I'm now training in psychotherapy with the AABCAP in Australia, and our conversations over the past few years have helped me enormously in getting to this point, and getting past my own burnout in teaching and counselling. My father died not long after I turned 18 so it's been a struggle to grieve for him, not having that time together as adults to battle things out and meet on different terms. Your ability to reach so deeply into your own story is helping me in turn to reach into mine, best regards, Carolyn Minchin.
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My dear Mark,

Thank you so very much, for sharing your feelings, the so special feelings for a very special man, a Dad, who’s sensitive and warm hearted son, missed so much his affection ..............

For everything there is a reason... under his hard face, was a very turbulent soul, that loved his family, but the same time wanted to show how strong he was trying to reassure his confidence, in the arms of another partner and yet, how life is, his first choice, his wife, was nursing him up to the end.....Your mom, the strong pillar of the family...you call her anxiously controlling, she had to be that way, take over both sides Mark, to be the sweet mother and the strong father, as she could see how fragile his personality really was...

But you my friend, you swam through rough seas, high waves, but you arrived at the finish line as a winner.

In one of your mails you wrote that you have two sides.......well, I think he had too!

Keep the memories of the few but full of love moments you have had with him, and be sure that behind the hard face, was a heart full of love for you.

Sometimes, as parents, we expect our children to do things the way we would like to ... or to follow paths that we would like to follow and for reason we couldnt. It is very Wrong…but the older generations were more fixed on those opinions.

That’s the way they have grown up. To show emotions is not for a man…is only for little girls...to be with your kids is not for a man, is the “job” of a woman,, and when they realize what they have missed, is too late to cover the distance and reach them.......But for sure it does not mean they had no feelings..

Please take care of your self, and your mom whenever you can. She can put a hard front as well, but I'll tell you a secret.....we moms...we love to be pampered from our kids.

As for my mom is going better thank Heaven,

Meh agape

Artemis
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Dear Mark,

I was deeply moved by your eloquent elogy to your father. He seems like a complicated, somewhat opaque guy to get to know. I'm glad you finally broke through in the end. There was a degree of closure, even though it still must be difficult for you.

My father was also rather opaque -- until he reached his boiling point, and then all hell broke loose. He was the product of immigrant parents who never learned English. He broke with them after serving in the Army in WWII and marrying. I never knew them. It must have been hard to divorce his whole family. We had a decent relationship, but hardly ever broke the ice.

Best wishes,

Bob
-----------------------------------

I am sorry to hear of your father's recent passing. Although it is a rite of passage that we all know we can expect, it is still not easy.

What you wrote and shared is appreciated and I admire you for that. You are very gifted in so many ways. So often the gifts we have are born out of much pain and suffering. Recognizing and using them makes it worthwhile.

Keep up your good work including first and foremost, healing yourself. Perhaps another book is in the works?

Good to hear from you.

Robin
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All my sympathy to you on the passing of your father. Thank you for sharing. One person's story could be part of another person's story.

Please know that you are loved and admired by us. We will connect one day soon and we can update on where we are.

Marilyn
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Mark, son of Abraham.
May he rest in peace, may his memory be blessed.
Thanks so much for sharing this powerful and personal family history.
You, too, are a courageous Mensch!

With a tear in my eye,
M
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What a beautiful tribute, Mark. Very touching. It brought to mind the remembrance of my father's death (on my birthday) in 1979. I can feel your pain reading your Euology here. Other deaths hit us hard but when a parent dies, it's so humbling. I feel such a sense of sadness here.

You express yourself with such ease & have advanced yourself forward in a myriad of ways. His influence (besides your Mom's) made you stronger, richer, defined in such a way as to want to help others. [I don't have to tell you that I know] My surviving sister and I decided through all the horrific pain of "that" generation, we had a strength that others couldn't even imagine. Hug your Mom & brother for me.

You know I've always admired you and considered you a mentor. I hope your Practice is thriving. I am very well; many challenges but the strength in me (God given or created) keeps my head bobbing above water. ;-) and no, I haven't learned how to 'walk on water' - yet!! heh heh

Stay safe & well,
Barb
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Thanks Mark.

I haven't had the time to read most of your emails. But I do scan over them on occasion. This one, by its title, looked interesting and I set it aside for when I found a moment. That came this afternoon.

I take it this is your letter and your life, yes?

While apparently more intense than the conflicts in my family, there are some parallels here, including the different treatment of my brother and I, the alcoholism, etc. Been there, done that, glad to be passed it.
Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Sincerely,

Tom (US Navy retired)
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Mark, I'm sorry about your loss. It's never easy to lose a parent no matter what the relationship might have been like. I'm glad that you have your writing through which you can process who your father was and the family history that shaped your life. Dianne

Mark, I just had a chance to read this all the way through. It's beautiful. You should be proud. For all he went through and all the craziness he caused, in the end, your father had the courage to confront his own demons. I'm sure the love you showed him was a big part of that. Sometimes children wind up "parenting" their own parents as they get older and experience frailty and illness. It's often the first real love our folks experienced, as so many of your readers have commented.

All the best to you. You're in my thoughts. Dianne
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Hello Mark,
I am without words after reading your Requiem. I'm glad you were able to find peace with him and yourself before he died. Sending condolences your way.
Rosalind
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Wow, Mark, that was beautifully written, thank you so much for sharing those intimate details of your family life. It really touched me....Your boldness in pressing thru difficult feelings to a real relationship with your father, your bearing your whole heart, and those poignant memories you will always carry in your heart. How precious. My prayers go out to you, your mom and brother. Love, Joy
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Thank you so much for sharing these very personal reflections - as always, you have made an impact on me. I am hoping your journey through the grief process will be kind, insightful, and comforting.

I hope to keep in touch with you as I transition from State College.

My personal and professional best to you,

Rita
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Absolutely beautiful.

Much love,

Chere
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very nice and meaningful. As only the stress doc himself could write.
Steve
---------------------------------

Great article. I encourage you to see what you can do to get it in a published form. Perhaps a magazine??

Jeff
---------------------------------

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing.

Carol
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Thanks for sharing that, Mark. I can't read it quite yet because the anniversary of my Dad's death is just around the corner. But I promise I will in time.

It's hard - take care of yourself.

Nancy

A friend told me at the time (8 years ago next month) that losing a parent is a profound experience. To which I found myself responding, "No s..t."

N
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Well Said. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. You are an inspiring man.

Ann
---------------------------------

Thank you for sharing this. What an awesome tribute to your dad.
Have an awesome day!

Jennie
---------------------------------

Thanks for sharing about your father and my condolence to you and your family.

Kitty
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Dear Mark:

Sorry to read about the passing of your dad. My heart goes to you and your family and wish God gives power to endure this loss to everyone in your family.

With regards,

Subhash

A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man”: A Son's Eulogy

2011-07-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

My father died on Father’s Day. I’m not sure his timing was meant to be so fitting, but I have no doubt that he had finally decided to stop fighting, not an easy task for a classic “Type A is for Aggressive” man who for much of his life felt compelled to fight for his survival. I could talk about dad being raised by a mother who went in and out of clinical and sometimes near-psychotic depressions; or his short, bull-like immigrant father who won strong man contests, while also being a gifted carpenter (his artfully crafted inlaid chess table remains a family treasure); his father, too, an often absent parent and a weekend alcoholic; or being overshadowed by his athletically gifted older brother who eventually joined the Navy and left dad to care for his increasingly ill mother after his father left the roost; or a man who volunteered to join the Army during WW II despite having a “family exemption” because of his mother’s health; or a romantic who chose to elope with my mother because of her family’s objection to this guy from the “wrong side of the tracks”; or of dad’s mental breakdown and hospitalization for “manic depression” (in hindsight, a questionable label) when I was one-and-a-half years old; not questionable back then, though, was the start of over fifteen years of electro-shock therapy (ECT) as my parents were afraid to question the medical establishment’s treatment of choice for depression. (By the way, he finally stopped the shock, during my parent’s short-lived marital separation when a woman with whom he was casually involved told him, “You’re nuts, you don’t need shock therapy, get some psychotherapy!” He did… eventually staying in group therapy for a dozen years, never needing another electrical jolt to keep him “functioning.”)

Or should I talk about his existential crisis at work as the Mafia increasingly infiltrated the New York City garment center (this was the early ‘60s version of “downsizing”; I call it frightsizing!)?: would he leave his successful, twenty years sales position, tear up his security fabric, or agree to report to “el Capo” Tommy D? (I still recall his anguished hours and days wrestling on the couch, not sure if dad was going to kill himself or someone else for having his world violently turned upside down. Eventually he jumped from the rat-infested ship; yet after anxiously taking a job with another controlling big company, dad realized he had to be on his own. He forged a position as a sales rep for a small business owner with his own fabric warehouse. Eli was a “goniff” or small crook in his own right, but at least not of the “organized” variety.

And his world flourished – making more money than he ever had, reuniting with my mom, continuing with therapy, taking up tennis as a new mid-life passion (his crowning moment when he defeated his athletically gifted brother in a match). Of course, living at home was like living in a family encounter laboratory. As I once penned:

What made him break from our mistake, perhaps we’ll never know.
But in the wake of psychic quake, a formula to grow.
The silence cracks, each spouse attacks, the couple hardly known.
But on these tracks of broken backs, emancipation sown!

Cries of a Lifetime, a Lifeline, and the Unraveling

And for me, the start of my emotional emancipation – of transcending a childhood riddled with fears and unrecognized talents and gifts, of being overly aligned with a brilliant yet anxiously controlling mother while emotionally distant from/ashamed of my "irrational," sometimes problem-drinking father – began at age twenty-one: I followed my dad’s footsteps into psychotherapy. And six years after learning about his bouts with depression and shock treatment, I finally had the courage to ask, “Dad, why did you need the shock?” And then crawled onto his lap, put my arms around him, holding on for dear safety, burying my head in his neck for forgiveness, and cried uncontrollably, pure unadulterated emotion pouring out, as he recounted his fears of being like his sick mother, his desperation of not knowing whether he could both support a family and fight his inner demons…And finally my admitting and understanding that I had so many similar fears and feelings of shame. (Dad later shared that he had never experienced such an outpouring of emotion and love in his life.)

A decade later, wanting to understand the difficulty in recalling so much of my childhood, I began asking my parents pointed questions which triggered a verbal explosion that, after much physical posturing and verbal battling between father and son, (my mother had left the room), reversed the roles: backed into a corner, dad finally let go of his defensive yelling and tearfully relived and acknowledged a young father’s shame (surrounding his shock regimen), guilt and helplessness (survival fears), thereby dissolving his defensive rage…and now, allowing me to take him in my arms, he cried uncontrollably. (And this man never cried, except at poignant theatre or movies.)

I was going to talk about how the vascular strokes in his early 70s began to change the hard-edged but honest communication he and I had evolved over the decades, despite my living out of town in New Orleans and DC. He no longer wanted, nor felt strong enough to handle, that real give and take battle, the staple of our rebuilding a father-son bond and a unique level of trust. My dad’s recent death evokes multi-layered sadness, not just for the immediate loss but also for the steady dissolution these past fifteen years of our once uncommonly open and authentic interaction. Still, I can’t resist recalling one trust-building vignette:

My younger brother, Larry, and I were visiting my folks in Florida. To give the story some context, as a child, Larry, was the sibling who bonded more with my father. There definitely were sibling rivalry issues. Larry was also in the psychology field, receiving his doctorate in Clinical Psychology; by comparison I burnt out working on my social work thesis and was ABD. Unlike his older brother, Larry was a researcher; he had studiously avoided psychotherapy. To continue…during the visit I noticed how if my brother said something critical of my dad, my dad seemed to ignore it, while if I questioned or challenged him, there was definite aggressive push back. At some point, the frustration building within, I finally said to him, “Dad what’s going on? Are we reliving the old days of you and Larry as allies? If Larry says something smart you ignore it, me…you’re all over me.”

Fortunately, my father was way ahead of me. His succinct reply: “Nah, Larry can get defensive; you… I know you can take it!” (Perhaps not surprising, as my dad and I moved away from more intense and genuine relationship communication, or as he more passive-aggressively criticized my at times financially-challenged “word artist” life style – partly because of not understanding my motivation, partly because of his "fear for my security" which, naturally, overlapped with his own fears – he and my financially successful brother regained their comfort zone.)

But despite selective retrenchment, the person who could really both take it and fight, truly, was my dad. Four years ago, at eighty-four, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. As my doctor explained, even though he had stopped smoking forty years before, the two-packs-a-day damage was done. The amazing thing now was his ability to handle three and a half years of chemo with an uncomplaining acceptance yet “determined to keep on fighting” spirit. For a man his age, Dad totally defied the chemo treatment life expectancy tables. When my father once tried to tell his oncologist of his admiration, the doctor immediately reversed the tables: “On the contrary, Mr. Gorkin, it is I who admire you.”

So this is the eulogy that I never gave at the placing of the flag alongside his urn-filled ashes, with “Taps” being played in the background, at the quietly comforting, tree-, grassy knolls- and lagoon-covered grounds of the military national cemetery near Boynton Beach, FL. Beside the three soldiers in dress greens, it was only my mother, brother and me. Despite his success as a salesman, my father was basically a loner and this simple unadorned ceremony captured his wishes and much of his Spartan essence.

As was written on his head stone: Abraham Gorkin – A Courageous Mensch, Loving Husband & Father.

Amen and women to that!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Retreat Exercises and Interventions that Changed Organizational Cultures: Two Unexpected Discoveries and Declarations

2011-07-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Last week produced a “déjà vu” experience although it was definitely not the “déjà vu all over again” variety. For only the second time in my speaking career I received unanticipated feedback from participants of a workshop two or more years after the actual event. This is not trivial as one of the challenging aspects of being a speaker and “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ is whether my entertaining “soft skills” programs have any tangible long-term consequences. Delayed feedback is especially meaningful when the workshop or conference event is a one shot effort or there isn’t a planned follow-up.

Before illustrating the present let me fondly recall the past. About five years ago, at a conference for various legal professionals, a manager from a large DC law firm greeted me: “Hello, Stress Doc.” Upon seeing my sheepishly puzzled grin, she continued. “Don’t you remember you spoke to the managers of our law firm…And we did the drawing exercise?” (First, the two-hour workshop had likely been held four or five years prior to this encounter. To further clarify, the aforementioned exercise, now named my “Three ‘D’ – Discussion-Drawing-Diversity – Team Building Exercise,” is the closing showstopper at most speaking and workshop events. Basically it asks groups of 4-6 participants to identify sources of everyday workplace stress and conflict or to list barriers to more effective and creative team coordination. After ten minutes of discussion people are given an equal amount of time to transform their verbal ideas into a visual story or metaphoric image, e.g., a sinking ship, a slippery mountain slope, a three-ring circus, a menacing “troublesaurus” stalking the workers at a plant, etc. Participants then do a “gallery walk” eyeballing their colleagues’ images without discussing their teams’ creation. Finally, each group selects a spokesperson and holder for the “show and tell.” Of course I remind the groups, “Don’t everybody volunteer to be a holder!” The closing exercise invariably becomes a “Show and Tell morphing into an ‘Aha,’ ‘I’m Not Alone’ and Lampooning Laughter” experience. It’s a visceral-verbal-visual four “c”-ing event – building “camaraderie, collaboration, creativity and community.”)

Enough background, let’s return to the manager’s story. Once again my silence triggered another question and explanation: “Don’t you remember our “stress picture” and what you said?” My look must have said, “Tell me more.” She continued: “Our group drew these pigeons overhead with people standing below. And raining down on the crowd were these brown pellets. Then, before we could comment further, you chimed in with, ‘Oh, Raisinets.’”

While I was mentally patting myself on the back, the woman shared the real impact of the experience beyond her personal vivid memories and my clever reframe. As it turned out, the exercise became woven into the corporate culture. Whenever a stress or crisis issue arose that disrupted all the managers, the head of the managers would buy a box of Raisinets for all the participants. Talk about keeping workshop meaning, morale and momentum alive. Now that’s an “emotionally intelligent” leader!

The Name Game

The second vignette involved my leading a day-long “Team Building” offsite for managers of an IT Division of the Department of Commerce in July 2011. I had led a somewhat similar retreat with this group two years earlier. For the 2011 retreat I wanted to use a different opening – my “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” Exercise. Basically, groups of three or four discuss, “How does your ‘Brain, Body and Behavior’ let you know when you’re under more stress than usual?” However, the “Three B’s” didn’t have a chance.

The manager’s group clamored for our 2009 icebreaker: “The Nickname Exercise.” They enthusiastically recited names that two years later are still in play and continue to evoke peals of laughter. Now they desired to give nicknames to the new managers; some folks even wanted to do a personal name upgrade. (These are IT geeks and gurus after all!) All this banter provided incontrovertible evidence of the Director’s pithy observation: “That exercise really stuck!”

Let me outline the exercise. In small groups, team members interview each other, trying to discern quirky yet essential or even contradictory aspects of a personality or character. Nicknames often reflect a person’s passion or talent, while gently skewering the same. I especially like ones which have a playfully teasing or self-effacing quality. The best of them are usually visual and alliterative and may be a play on words. Two years before I had provided such examples as, “The Splendid Splinter” (Ted Williams), “The Louisville Lip” (Cassius Clay’s nickname before he became Mohammed Ali and “The Greatest”) or “Sitting Bull” (which was, of course, not a nickname but his Native American appellation). Since then, I’ve added to my repertoire. One day a Ft. Hood 1st Sergeant who had witnessed my animated speaking style told his colleagues, "The Doc is a firecracker!" Then a month later, another workshop participant commented on my meaningful, “philosophical” approach to subject matter. Now a personal moniker (in addition to “Stress Doc,” provided me years ago by the TV Editor of the New Orleans’ Times Picayune) jumped out: Philosophical Firecracker! The nickname aptly captures a Yin-Yang duality –- having both an introspective (cave) and extraverted (stage) nature.

Returning to our IT Managers, these folks came up with a bounty of nicknames, both past and present: “Hit and Run,” (a troubleshooting consultant), “Southern Comfort,” (a name reflecting both family geography and a mostly soft spoken, empathic temperament) and “The Logical Lotus” (an analytical Asian woman). Some people had been anticipating this exercise, one fellow changed his to “The Great Kudzu” (as he has to be everywhere; I don’t recall his original name), another Director chose “Crazy Glue” over “Super Glue” (though it was clear he was viewed as instrumental in keeping the division together, if just barely, on the functional side of “more work than can ever be managed” chaos).

Still…Not the Whole Story

While the Nickname Exercise had staying power, this time around it was our beginning and ending process that truly was empowering. By going with the group flow and frolic and delaying my planned opening agenda, we all immediately began to bond. And clearly, I was comfortable sharing the reins of control with the group. An unspoken question often hovering in the retreat workshop shadows: what is the optimal balance between spontaneity and structure?

After “Nickname: Part II,” I orchestrated a series of exercises culminating in one that would have small groups problem solving division-specific issues related to communication and role-boundary-follow-up breakdowns. Just as I was about to introduce this problem-solving exercise, “The Logical Lotus” asked if we could begin addressing communication and coordination issues specific to the group. Clearly, the managers and I were converging towards the same spontaneous-structured agenda page. And my subsequent role transition from workshop leader to group process observer-participant, actually sharing the facilitator role and once again following the group’s lead, seemed to be critical to our evolving success as a working partnership. Consider these illustrative testimonials:

U.S. Department of Commerce | International Trade Administration
[One-day Management Retreat/team building workshop/facilitation for 15 Information Technology Division Managers, Glen Allen, VA]

July 12, 2011

Thanks Mark. I too appreciated the way you let us run with our own issues during the second half of our session, and agree with you that between the two of us, we helped the group produce some useful outcomes.

The challenge now is follow up. Haha!

I’ve got a return engagement for you on our list of follow-up actions, so I’m hoping it will not be too far in the future. It sounded like the fall would be a realistic time.

Thanks for your contribution to our team in the two sessions we have had with you. It has been fun and productive.

Rod Smart
Director, IT Policy and Coordination
Office of the CIO
U.S. Department of Commerce | International Trade Administration
-----------------------

July 8, 2011

Hello Mark,

Thank you for bending your program backwards to help us applying your approach to our daily problems. I think we understood better and learned more solid both our problems and your approach. Your facilitation pushed us to think, take actions, and be accountable for result.

Thank you for including me in your newsletter list. I’m looking forward to learning more your wisdom and approach.

Thanks,

Haiping Lou
[Editor’s note: “The Logical Lotus”]
------------------------

Closing Summary

Two vignettes unexpectedly reveal the staying power of group exercises as well as their impact on organizational culture. The discoveries were illustrated by chance and planned encounters which enabled reflecting on past experience as well as understanding and going with the group process flow. Key factors include: a) interactive and imaginative exercises that allow for participants to poke playful fun, b) sharing and creative interplay strengthening a sense of camaraderie and community, and c) the leader or facilitator recognizing the meaning of the interchange while acknowledging and following the group’s pain and passion, energy and ideas. Word’s to cultivate a collaborative culture and to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Evolution of Team Synergy: Transforming Parts into Partners

2011-07-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

That the term “synergy” keeps showing up on my mental radar and calendar is not surprising. But yesterday, I experienced the “mother nature” variation. Meandering along the banks of the Chagrin River, 20 miles east of Cleveland, I stepped off the heavily wooded path at the confluence point of two streaming tributaries. Walking along a pebble and rock-strewn beach-like area, I discovered a small depression not more than a few yards from the babbling flow. I also spotted and positioned a slab of rock that conveniently became a back support as I lowered myself into this natural “easy chair.” The surrounding visual-tactile-audio mindscape was an array of 100-foot trees on both embankments –- one flat the other hilly –- seemingly converging and sculpting an endless green carpet-Cayahuaga Sky Blue vista. In this theatre au natural, my skin was being toasted tenderly by a radiant sun; and basking in the cloudless, 80 degree, low humidity ambience was made even more delicious by a caressing and cooling breeze. The background stereo of rushing river and rustling trees, complemented by periodic chirping (along with sudden yet graceful swooping) evoked memories of Beethoven’s Pastorale (#6). My late afternoon interlude at the sensorium was complete.

Not only was a sense of sanity being restored, but this dynamic symphony of sights, sensations and sounds resulted in that synergistic summation –- “when things work in concert together to create an outcome that is in some way of more value than the total of what the individual inputs is” (Dictionary.com). And for me, the unexpected outcome, the resultant paradoxical synergy state, was that fleeting fifteen minutes of mind quieting serenity, along with a renewed sense of awe for the holistic interplay of human-nature “Soular Power!”

From the Sublime to the…

My high school chemistry teacher, 4’10” Shaky Jake Lieberman (more wily leprechaun than learned professor), after regaling us with stories from his two favorite avocations –- boxing and the opera –- would invariably declare, “Okay, boys, time to move from the sublime to the ridiculous; let’s get back to chemistry.” (Those days, Stuyvesant H.S. in NYC only had male students.)

Guess it’s time to leave the sublime (for awhile, anyway) and examine synergy from a more practical, everyday perspective. Synergy comes from the Greek word synergia, meaning joint work and cooperative action. From a technical vantage point, it is the increased effectiveness that results when two or more people or businesses work together and, I would add, the result is most pronounced when there’s a mix of some commonalities along with distinct differences. And as we’ll see, this combination has implications for the productivity of dyads and teams.

Stress Doc ™ Meeting the “Great Ideas! Guy” (sm)

For example, I recently co-authored an article with Jeff Peden identifying “Top Ten Obstacles" to improving leadership-business partnership, performance and profitability. Our partnership was definitely synergistic – a common capacity for “emotional intelligence” played out in mostly dissimilar (e.g., corporate vs. government) arenas, thereby yielding varying takes on human-system motivation and interaction. Experienced in corporate sales and customer service, Jeff recently wrote and published Take It To The MAX-The Ultimate Strategy for Maximizing Profits and Growth. He asked me to review the book. (Jeff was aware of my book, Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout and Depression.)

Jeff had many excellent ideas (not surprising, he’s the “Great Ideas! Guy” (sm ;-), but also evident was that too many business and organizational leaders, despite knowing what they should do, frequently don’t turn ideas into action. Fittingly enough, Jeff jumped at my idea for a collaborative piece on key psychological barriers contributing to this leadership-performance gap.

If I may say so, the result was a yin and yang, two “hearts singing and minds dancing” essay. For example, our give and take captured the double-edged quality of “loyalty”: Jeff added the participatory-cooperative (1) aspect to my repressive-controlling (2) precept thereby expanding the Stress Doc’s “Law of the Loyalty Loop”:
(1) Those who help plan the battle don’t battle the plan and
(2) Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer!

While I could enumerate other “whole is greater than parts” examples, I’ll close with a straightforward declaration: with the breadth and depth of the ten obstacles ** along with our relative precision (the essay is approximately 2500 words, thanks, mostly, to Jeff’s editorial talents), “Top Ten Mind Barriers to Maximizing Leadership-Business Performance” reflects the conceptual and experiential diversity and uncommon synergy of a psychology and business brainstorm-collaboration. (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed the essay.)

** “Top Ten Obstacles" to improving leadership-business performance, partnership and profitability:

1. Time Pressures
2. Stress Overload
3. Lacking Perspective and Experience
4. Are You Going the Way of the Dinosaur?
5. Underdeveloped Emotional Intelligence
6. Need to Be an Autocrat
7. Judgmental Bias
8. Grappling with Your Intimate FOE
9. Fear of or Clinging to Success
10. Masters of Mendacity

The Evolution and Variation of Team Synergy

Now let’s take the next evolutionary step. How do you go from being part of a dynamic duo to creating or facilitating a high task and high touch synergy group? To do this let’s expand our focus:
1) first by reanalyzing our conception of the idea and ideal of team and then 2) examining the behavior of whole systems unpredicted by the behavior of their individual parts (Wikipedia). Here are "Three Conceptual Tools for Rethinking Team Synergy":

1. There’s No “I” in TEAM. In a general way the popular TEAM acronym speaks the language of synergy: Together Each Achieves More. The slogan indicates that the individual benefits from the collective and that harmony is its own reward. But what about the inverse: does individual talent (not necessarily in a formal leadership role) impact the capacity of the group to meet its goals around performance and productivity, morale and camaraderie? How about these TEAM acronyms:
a) Talent Engages All Members or
b) Talent Energizes Ambitious Motivation

And might individual differences, including difference of perspective or culture, challenge the team to reach another level of evolutionary function?

The original TEAM saying – Together Each Achieves More – in some ways is similar to another popular, or at least, oft-heard, saying, “There’s NO ‘I’ in Team.” (Of course, some people think the latter is a shorthand code for suppressing disagreement, difference or dialogue.) My discomfort with both motivational mantras is their downplaying the role of the individual, especially the need for individual(s) thinking and behaving outside the conventional group “form and function” framework. The contrarian and the community must generate optimal conflict and positively provoke each other’s mindsets and skill sets. As John Dewey, 19th c. pragmatic philosopher and “Father of American Public Education,” observed: Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity. It instigates to invention and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict is the “sine qua non” of reflection and ingenuity.

Such a provocative collaboration is critical especially in rapidly reorganizing times that demand new ideas, idiosyncratic intuitions, relevant data and flexibly focused adaptation for the survival of the fittest (government bailouts not withstanding). As Adam Gopnik noted in, Angels and Ages: A Short Book about Darwin, Lincoln and Modern Life (Alfred A. Knopf, 2009): Repetition is the law of nature but variation is the rule of life.

Components of Organizational Variation and Vitality

For teams and organizations in the throes of uncertain times, life-evolving variation tends to emerge from:
a) the diversity and varying talents/vulnerabilities of community members; a history of organizational research shows that optimally diverse teams invariably come up with more creative solutions in experimental trials than more homogeneous groups,
b) unexpected, error-disrupted, compelling or chaos-inducing developments in the environment,
c) a heightened motivational state of “constructive discontent” and a “whatever it takes” exploratory mindset,
d) the resultant clash- or crisis-induced, “necessity as mother of invention” problem solving,
e) a capacity to coordinate people and resources, and
f) the opportunity for post-chaotic transitional grief (or debriefing) as well as designing structures and strategies that incorporate and sustain the significant variation into everyday operations. In an organizational system, acknowledging, grappling with and ultimately integrating individual difference and convention-busting conflict is vital for achieving that ebb and flow of productive stability and evolutionary synergy.

2. There’s No ‘I’ in Team….So how did I resolve my differences with these motivational clichés? The answer alluded to above actually takes on a semantic twist: “There’s NO ‘I’ in Team…but there Are Two ‘I’s in Winning!” From a poetic perspective a number of interpretations of the latter phrase are possible:
a) keeping your eyes on the prize,
b) reflecting on the past to help envision a new future, or my favorite
c) mixing the literal and the “letteral,” one comes up with two “I”s that definitely “C” -– the “I”s stand for “Individuality” and “Interactivity” and their related “C”s are “Creativity” and “Community.” And voila: the formula for a winning team is a synergistic blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”

The creative individual typically challenges the community to reexamine its conventional values, positions and actions. A community that’s not cut off by “one right way” tradition or rigid “funda-mental-ist armor” challenges, sometimes tolerates, and may eventually find room to encourage the idiosyncratic individual to speak the language of, relate to, educate and even stir up, if not inspire, the larger collective. And when these two “’I’s that ‘C’” intermingle, another notion of synergy materializes: behavior of whole systems unpredicted by the behavior of their parts taken separately. This is called emergent behavior (Wikipedia).

“Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community” in Action

A thank you note from a recent Stress & Team Building Workshop concerning the emergence of intimate and productive group engagement illustrates synergy’s surprising dimension. The “honesty” referred to below reflects the intimate sharing both in small groups and the extra-ordinary public testimonials of personal trials by fire. Also unanticipated was that the creative facilitator (white male) and the larger community (primarily black females) spoke and shared a meaningful degree of a common language and world view. And finally, another paradoxical, if not synergistic, phenomenon may have helped bridge the cultural divide: People are more open to a serious (or surprising) message when it is gift-wrapped with humor!

Cleveland Council of Black Nurses sponsored by Case Western Reserve/Skills and Simulation Center [2-hr "Practice Safe Stress and Team Building through Humor" Program]

April 4, 2011

Dear Mark,

Thank you so much for the wonderful workshop that you presented for the Cleveland Council of Black Nurses. As President, I truly appreciated your humorous, but principled approach to "Team Building". You worked miracles & brought about an honesty that I did not think was possible.

Again, thank you & I would certainly recommend your workshops to all in the health care fields. The program that you presented was truly "Tailor Made" for us.

Barbara Rogers, RNMSN
President

216 921-3204
sisbarbltc@aol.com
---------------------

In closing, while the “winning” benefits of “IC2” Team Synergy have been illustrated, one must not overlook the potential dangers: a) the creative individual may be pushing the envelope too far and too fast, beyond group norms-traditions and the bounds of calculated and acceptable risk-taking and b) the community sees “difference and disagreement as disapproval or disloyalty”…and isolates or shuns divergent perspective while demanding group think.

3. Relation and Rejuvenation of “The Whole and the Parts.” Perhaps the most recognized description of synergy is the classic phrase: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And our previous analyses of synergy, each in its different way, speak to this non-linear summation. So what enables 2 +2 = 5? What enables Mother Nature and human nature to be serenely at one with one another; what sparks two consultants with varying backgrounds to produce an article that surely could not have been written separately; or what allows a roomful of nurses to discover, bond and candidly reveal an unprecedented and “miraculous” range of individual and collective voices and stories? For me, the magic lies in creating an atmosphere of free-flowing communication –- from conflict to communion –-while orchestrating surprising intermingling amongst the reawakened and fertile parts. The energized parts are not afraid to acknowledge flaws and foibles, nor afraid to test relational norms and be a bit “out-rage-ous.” And yet their interaction facilitates understanding of both individual-cultural difference and common humanity. And this empathy (“not only have I walked in your shoes, but I feel your bunions”), often enhanced by shared memory and self-effacing laughter, becomes the electric current for renewed connection. In time, the synergistic process and product distill the complexity of life into an essential yet elegant simplicity. Engaged in a “jazz riff,” status barriers are surmounted; the distinct parts form an insightful and unified collaboration: Now “Parts” are transformed into “Partners!” And as we’ve come to appreciate, “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community” is the formula for winning teams and associations.

Surely an inspiring notion and words to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as a "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Top Ten Mind Barriers to Maximizing Business Performance – Part II

2011-06-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

Part I outlined “Top Ten Obstacles" to improving business performance and profitability – distractions keeping you from taking your business To The MAX: 1) Time Pressures, 2) Stress Overload, 3) Lacking Perspective and Experience, 4) Are You Going the Way of the Dinosaur?, and 5) Underdeveloped Emotional Intelligence. Let’s continue with the final five:

6. Need to Be an Autocrat. This overly controlling, often self-centered leader believes that he alone should make all the company decisions. I’ll never forget doing a program with a company where the CEO was sitting on a throne-like chair, raised off the ground, while everyone else in the audience was in small folding metal contraptions. Talk about a “superiority” complex! Some of the autocrat’s self-aggrandizing rationalizations include:
a. it's our money invested, not yours,
b. the stockholders hold me accountable, not you,
c. you don't know what I know,
d. I'm in charge –- shut up and do the job I'm paying you to do!
e. and the proverbial “My way or the highway.”

And, naturally, this absolute “A” personality (and I suspect you can figure out what the “A” with this Type A really stands for…no, it’s not authority) is clueless when it comes to both the enlightened and dark precepts of the Law of the Loyalty Loop:
1) Those who help plan the battle don’t battle the plan and
2) Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer!

7. Judgmental Bias. Alas, some leaders or owners basically dismiss many employees as “stupid” and “can't be trusted.” This “you don’t seem to realize how important I really am” egotist, adding insult to ignorance, often views subordinates as “inferiors,” or at the least sees them through a “what they lack rather than what they know and can contribute” lens. Assuming employees are satisfied with their lot, he dismisses them to a fixed place or role in the company. It’s time to move from assumption to fact. Research reveals that power brokers are often out of touch, unaware of the biasing impact of their role-status advantages, thereby:
a) confusing access to more in-depth and more timely information with being smarter than everyone else in the room, or
b) assuming people have accepted their vision when, in fact, role-career constraints limit the degree to which the boss’ judgment or strategy is openly or candidly questioned. Clearly, more than intelligence is involved in these disparities. Naturally, when it comes to “good” news, the self-inflated boss quickly locates the reason for success –- not with the supporting cast but with Moi!

Attribution Bias: An Illustration and Explanation

Social psychology research has a theory that explains some of this bias. Let me explain. Attribution theory examines how someone perceives another person’s motives and behaviors. It’s especially interested in perceptual error based on an observer attributing a person’s motives or actions to personality factors instead of situational forces. Here’s an illustration. Let’s say a relatively new colleague at work (whom you don’t know well) has come in late two times in the past week. It wouldn’t be surprising if you (or others) began to start wondering about his or her motives and competencies, e.g., is the person lazy, disorganized, disenchanted with work, or just plain old passive-aggressive? However, if you were to come in late a couple of times, or were asked to speculate about reasons for your hypothetical lateness, research indicates you would likely quickly note, for example, the traffic conditions, needing to get a child to daycare, illness in the family, etc.

Can you see the bias? When explaining our own problematic behavior we first focus on situational or outside conditions affecting intentions and actions, thus providing a rationale or protective cover for any outcomes or consequences. In contrast, while observing others our initial predilection is to judge based on inner personality or motivational traits, not on environmental constraints. An assessment focused on the individual alone, not seen in context, is more judgmental, making it harder to be empathic or forgiving, or even just truly curious. (For example, “I wonder why she behaves that way?” said with obvious tone, is often more a disguised judgment than a question of genuine concern.) And this tendency to broadly, quickly or indiscriminately place personal evaluation over situation is called “Attribution Error.”

Two points to remember: 1) leaders don't realize the vast wealth of ideas and insights their own employees can and would LOVE to contribute and 2) when not conscious or careful, power corrupts, or at least contaminates your cognitive powers!

8. Grappling with Your Intimate FOE. A not uncommon source of avoidance and procrastination is an underlying fear of failure; one is ashamed of being found out as incompetent, slow-witted, unworthy or an impostor. While many try to run from it, you can’t outrun "Your Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure." And the reason is simple: you carry that FOE around inside you wherever you go.

Of course some try an elaborate cover-up. When grandiose expectations or rigid perfectionism and frigid control comprise the tip of the “Intimate FOE” iceberg, underlying angst, ego wounds and feelings of shame or abandonment invariably form the subterranean base. Critical voices from the past often lurk in the crevasses. (Remember, between your ears you don’t just have echoes of angry or shrill voices; you also consciously and unknowingly absorb both the strengths along with the inner fears and shameful feelings of influential significant others from your childhood and young adult years.) The anticipation of being harshly judged can make it difficult to begin, sustain or complete a project or explore a new path. And ironically, when a business owner aggressively and critically projects this vulnerability onto surrounding team members, in virus-like fashion, the Intimate FOE rapidly infects others. Fewer and fewer will speak up or risk being wrong.

Another troublesome mindset says, “Why take an unnecessary risk when there’s the possibility of things not working out?” This individual believes in preserving the illusion that the issue is simply one of effort and attitude, not aptitude or ability –- anything but being seen as a “loser.”

Embracing Failure along the Path of Mastery

Alas, this leader hasn’t learned that in our 24/7, hyperkinetic world success often depends on being able to fail quickly and often, so that you can actively intervene and rapidly turn a problem (especially a customer concern) into a new trust and relationship-building or business growth opportunity. So consider these mantras: “We’re Learners, Not Losers” and “Strive High and Embrace Failure.” Shoot for 100% yet know you rarely achieve it the first (or even the fourth, or sometimes even the forty-fourth) time around; but, for the prepared mind, falling short provides just the jolt, juice and insight you need to continue on the ever evolving path of mastery. As the Stress Doc ™ once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

9. Fear of or Clinging to Success. Sometimes success can generate its own contradictory complications. Can you relate to this internal speculation: “If I/we are successful this time, what might people ask, expect or demand on the next project? And while many say to the business leader, “Just be grateful that you have such a problem,” a fear of being misused, overused or exposed may be hiding in the shadows of success.

Sometimes, though, the dangers of success are self-disguised. For example, strong initial results may convince a leader that he has basically mastered the operational process, product or territory. In reality, the success while not an illusion is more like blinders, keeping the leader and organization on a too narrow (or on a b.s., “be safe”) track. To move from “good to great,” to jump start novel and powerful learning curves, requires a willingness to break up the “solved” puzzle, to once again risk exploring imaginative or controversial designs and approaches. New learning often involves a sense of psychological loss – letting go of at least some of the “tried and once true.” Yet, according to Nobel-prize-winning author and philosopher, Albert Camus, the payoff for a period of mourning, meditating and mental meandering can be truly surprising and liberating: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

So remember, your niche of success can turn into the ditch of excess or become a rejuvenating recess: for your customers, employees and organization-business it’s definitely a critical crossroad.

10. Masters of Mendacity. And finally, to cut to the chase…one of the most self-defeating and organizationally destructive facades that some leaders hide behind is their use of deceit, their lack of honesty: these “leaders” give the external appearance that they are a good choice for customers but, for whatever their reasons, motives and hidden agendas, in actuality they are just out to take advantage of their customers and employees. As Jeff Peden decisively declares, these leaders/organizations can never achieve the most important and valuable outcomes for their business or their personal life – the inner satisfaction of stepping up to a performance challenge and the fulfillment that comes from doing good things for their fellow human beings. They never realize the true joy of Taking It To The MAX!

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Jeff Peden, The Great Ideas! Guy (sm), is an International Speaker and author of Take It To The MAX—The Ultimate Strategy for Maximizing Profits and Growth. He works with organizations on leadership & organizational development, employee engagement, and customer loyalty. Jeff can be reached at jeff@jeffpeden.com.

Top Ten Mind Barriers to Maximizing Leadership-Business Performance -- Part I

2011-06-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

It’s time to take the next evolutionary step on the path of leadership-business success. While the step seems obvious, as many have noted common sense is often quite uncommon. More than ever organizations and businesses need to initiate new and varied approaches to connecting and collaborating with their customers and employees, especially by proactively soliciting their feedback and ideas. Yet, too often many business owners or key decision-makers are hesitant. Others will harangue you with: “I’m wrestling with the bottom line; I don’t have time for that soft stuff!” Or even worse, they rationalize that the moment’s not right or simply believe that it will be easier to put these new ideas into practice tomorrow, forgetting that tomorrow never comes. Of course, some folks subscribe to that “live for the moment” mantra: "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!" Alas, these digital daze, there are many folks, not just Californians, for whom instant gratification takes way too long.

Seriously, though, when it comes to avoidance or procrastination many are quick to acknowledge the problem and, of course, are slow to do something about it. However, you can overcome inertia by clearly understanding key mind barriers that keep individuals and organizations from fully embracing and embarking on that high task and high touch path. The right blend of insight, imagination and action builds the roadmap for success. So if knowledge is empowering and you’re ready to perceive with fresh eyes, have a more open and adventurous heart beat, and want to move smartly into a new innovative gear… Here are the “Top Ten Obstacles" to improving leadership-business performance, partnership and profitability – distractions keeping you from taking your organization To The MAX:

1. Time Pressures. "Where are we going to find the time to do this?" We're already overloaded!" An often understandable lament, however the question really does deserve to be high on your priority list. First, not integrating new approaches into your operational procedures may well have a greater financial cost than you realize; it may also be draining your energy resources and capacity for focused concentration. Likely lurking in your subconscious is that proverbial gorilla in the room you keep trying to wish away. In addition, have these time pressures contributed to operational error, dropping the ball or even to staff turnover?

Doing a time management audit has two advantages: you may discover the difference between “urgent and important.” Remember, urgent really is life and death; everything else can be prioritized. Also, by stepping back from the temporal tempest, you just may discover a way to streamline some of the process, with a dividend of energy and clarity for experimenting and integrating anew.

2. Stress Overload. Clearly, time pressure generates stress: first comes “brain strain,” then fatigue, maybe exhaustion and cynicism, and, if the adrenaline overload is chronic, and you’re still trying to be the Lone Ranger or Rangerette…welcome to the burnout battlefront. Then again, the problem is not just one of burning out. Are you on the verge of burning up or blowing up? The patience fuse is getting shorter and shorter and the people around you are feeling the heat and sparks.

Conversely, chronic stress makes some folks “hunker in their bunker” –- they become more conservative, withdrawn and less confident in their thinking, communicating and problem analysis. You might consider a long getaway weekend at a health spa. More than simply a “stress brake,” you have the opportunity to relax and free your conscious and unconscious mind enough to take an “incubation vacation” –- to refresh your focus and hatch a new perspective.

3. Lacking Perspective and Experience. Some business leaders have little or no experience as a frontline employee. They lack understanding about the implied contract and set of expectations that many employees bring to the workplace. Such expectations and beliefs include:
a. I’m depending on you to provide me with tools and resources to effectively perform my job,
b. I’m trusting you to make the right operational decisions that sustain the organization-business, your customers and your employees,
c. I am counting on you to value and recognize our contributions to organizational success and pave the way for pay raises, promotions, and new avenues for growth, for offering those organizational IRAs -- Incentives, Recognition-Rewards and Advancement Opportunities.

4. Are You Going the Way of the Dinosaur? More than ever, a successful executive or business owner must be customer-attuned to be savvy. In a 24/7 wired world, where customers have so many more purchase options and venues to choose from, potential buyers desire the chance to interact and to dialogue – both electronically and face-to-face. Having potential buyers part of the product, purchase and post-purchase process, even engaged with a community of customers, is increasingly essential for companies that want to generate and keep customer business. Otherwise, with a click of a button your customer is off to the next option. Today, business as usual must be business that’s visible, virtual and mutual.

5. Underdeveloped Emotional Intelligence. Many people go into management or business based on experience and expertise in a technical-, engineering-, numbers-driven-, product-development- or manufacturing-related field, where logical and analytical cognitive skills along with personal ambition and competitive drive seemed sufficient to determine performance outcomes. However, success in such a role doesn’t necessarily nurture the social-emotional mindset and skill-set essential for relating to and connecting with a diversified group of customers and employees.

Today’s organizational leader must develop and demonstrate a capacity for “Emotional Intelligence” –- a wide array of competencies and skills that drive leadership performance -- that is, the ability to identify, assess and control the emotions of oneself, of others and of groups (Wikipedia). Daniel Goleman, the acclaimed pioneer of EI, posits four main constructs:
a. Self-awareness – the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions
b. Self-management – the ability to control one's emotions and impulses and adapt to changing circumstances
c. Social awareness – the ability to sense, understand, and react to others' emotions while comprehending social networks
d. Relationship management – the ability to inspire, influence, and develop others while managing conflict.

So remember, along with a quality product and/or service, a capacity for honest self-awareness and human connection -- that is, an ability to not only walk in people’s shoes but also, and especially, to feel their bunions, soften their calluses as well as encourage and help guide their journey -- increasingly is the foundation for today’s successful organization or business venture.

Stay tuned for Part II. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Jeff Peden, The Great Ideas! Guy (sm), is an International Speaker and author of Take It To The MAX—The Ultimate Strategy for Maximizing Profits and Growth. He works with organizations on leadership & organizational development, employee engagement, and customer loyalty. Jeff can be reached at jeff@jeffpeden.com.

The Art of Letting Go: Freeing Up Grief, Defusing Power Struggles and Inspiring Flow

2011-05-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

The phrase “letting go” has long been a vital part of my stress management overview, especially related to breaking the “erosive spiral” of that all-consuming “b”-word. (When it comes to stress, actually, a number of emotionally charged “b” words jump to mind, for example, “botox,” or when you have a BMW colleague, which I recently learned stands for an individual constantly “Bitching, Moaning and Whining.”) Now, of course, I’m talking about burnout. As noted in “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go” – because you’ve invested so much time and money, energy and ego in that one right person, position or possible outcome – so that you cannot or will not step back and consider new perspectives, resources or options…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair.

I’ve come to appreciate three key arenas – psychological-interpersonal-motivational –in which “letting go” is critical for rebirth, resolution and resilient risk-taking, i.e., for generating new direction, a more daring focus and a revitalized determination, both for yourself and for others. And appropriately enough, the first two arenas of “letting go” stimulate your “Inner GPS,” providing a map and tools for "Engaging with ‘Grief’ and ‘Power Struggles'."

1. Letting Go as the Key to Freeing Up Grief. Consider my Mobius Strip mantra: “One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin.” In paradoxical, yin-yang fashion, every beginning or separation contains its own seed of endings or returns; every ending or return has a beginning and separation seed lying dormant. Any transition, whether stirring rage or resignation, rejoicing or relief is a dynamic, ongoing mix and flux of endings-wanderings-settlings-separations and potentially-eventually new beginnings and returns. And in turn, every new beginning eventually comes to an end, once again providing both a fresh or unexplored landscape and mindscape of “danger and opportunity.” Having the courage and support to face the acute emotions of this ever twisting and turning transition –such as fear and anger, helplessness and hopelessness, panic and paralysis, and/or mania and melancholy – makes it more difficult to deny the swirling, shifting currents, makes it harder to merely tread water. Letting go and grappling with grief enables you to embrace and retrace, if not gradually replace, the past with new or reenergized purpose and passion. As I once wrote:

Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

And what helps ignite the mystical or, at least, the mythical?

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.

And if you can risk confronting that roaring river of pain – an often confusing rush and reliving of past and present emotions and memories – and over time can survive the occasional eerie stillness, the oftentimes tumultuous white water passage of grief, then you may arrive at a place more light than dark, a new transitional harbor offering some hard-earned healing and wisdom along with newfound maturity and opportunity.

According to Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Helping people engage with the emotional vulnerabilities, uncertainties and pain inherent in loss and major transition, that is, grappling with the psychological ramifications not merely with the changing physical realities – managing a new operating system, relocating an office, merging departments or divisions, etc. – is the foundational first step in the journey of evolution.

As renowned, 20th c. medical pioneer, Jonas Salk, declared: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than you are fearful; being trusting just one more time than you are anxious.

2. Letting Go as the Key to Defusing Power Struggles. In the heat of interpersonal battle, why is it so hard to let go? In addition to the fact that we’ve been engaged in such struggles most of our life (certainly toilet training was an early testing ground), power struggles definitely can set off some emotional “hot buttons.” Here are key psycho-social-cultural dynamics that impede stepping back and attempting to reengage more effectively – "The Five ‘C’s of Power Struggles”:

a. Control – who has control, who is in charge?; this relates to the authority-status-power dimension, whether in the workplace, e.g., supervisor-subordinate relation, or the parent-child family dynamic; however, sometimes control needs are driven less by role considerations and more by aggressive messages and actions; consider my take on the covert motivation of the dysfunctional “strong silent type”: “For me to be strong you must be silent!”
b. Competition – another family dynamic – sibling rivalry – or competition; who is the favorite who is better?; it’s easy for these issues to get acted out in the workplace as well
c. Change – times of change raise levels of uncertainty and anxiety; not surprisingly, at these times, many people have a greater need to be in control of their environment, including other people
d. Cultural Diversity – surely, different perspectives, values, customs, expectations, etc., forged by cultural upbringing and experience can contribute to misunderstanding and standoffs
e. Communication Skills – do the parties have the communicational competence to negotiate conflict and find “the pass in the impasse”?

Understanding the emotionally charged nature of these dimensions may allow for a cooling off period, at least for the person who can “let go.”

When the Other Party Won’t “Let Go”

My metaphor for letting go in an interpersonal context is “dropping the rope,” that is, acknowledging to the other party that the tug of war or words is not working for you. Dropping the rope is not a sign of resignation or intimidation. When declared up front, “letting go” opens another problem-solving pathway. Of course, real life is not always so rational; actually, it’s often more psycho-logical! As a recent workshop participant painfully declared, “What if the other person – a colleague at work – won’t let go of the argument; tries to call you out for wanting to cease and desist even after a reasonable attempt at problem-solving?” It was clear the workshop attendee’s blood pressure was rising even as she spoke. My response was brief and to the point. “Let the individual know that you are taking a time out from this back and forth (to this point unproductive, from your perspective). You are neither afraid of him nor are you giving up; in fact, you will get back to him the next day. However, if the two of you cannot resolve your differences, you are not going to continue this head banging. You will call in a third party; you are not going behind anyone’s back. But you will insist there be some form of mediation.” Her energetic “thank you” told me “message sent was message received.”

So letting go doesn’t mean losing or giving up; it involves stepping back, presenting new perspectives and approaches, while reaffirming interpersonal boundaries as well as your personal integrity. And in a letting go process, at a particular juncture, you may have to accept that meaningful resolution may be out of your individual control. And you can live with this!

From GPS (Grief and Power Struggles) to Intimate FOE and Inspiring Flow

We’ve examined letting go both from a poignantly psychological perspective and from a power struggling and defusing one. Now let’s consider letting go from the vantage point of self-acceptance and meaningfully touching and moving others. My “four word” small group exercise hopefully will prove illustrative. It’s pretty basic: “Share an embarrassing moment.” And the room invariably goes through a metamorphosis – from somewhat anxious silence to uproarious verbal outpourings and animated nonverbal gesturing and posturing. One story cascades over another: “That was good; now let me tell you about my experience!”

3. Letting Go as the Key to Inspiring Flow. I especially like using this exercise with folks in leadership positions. Why is that? The exercise helps remove the “having it all together” or “always being in control” mask. One may have to risk revealing a vulnerable aspect of self. Yet, lo and behold, not only don’t people think less of you…hearing your story evokes knowing laughter, a genuine empathy (“not only have I walked in similar shoes, I can feel your bunions”), and even some admiration for your courage to share. I call this “Confronting Your Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.” And as previously noted, the storyteller becomes a risk-taking role model; one vignette inspires another, invariably becoming more animate and passionate with each telling.

Making Room for Cultural Diversity, Mutual Humanity and Authenticity

Such unguarded sharing also reminds us that some experiences, like embarrassment, are universal and helps underscore our mutual humanity no matter how diverse our cultural backgrounds. Perhaps most important, for a precious moment in time, it breaks down artificial rank and status barriers between people, allowing for more personal and intimate connection. (For example, when the military wants a free flowing team exchange, despite the presence of “superior” rank in the room, they may hold a “Helmet’s Off” meeting. In fact, I have done facilitation work with army and air force units; my interactive exercises help them to better “walk their team and trust building talk.”) Remember, in a healthy social environment, not one simply manipulated by Big Brother media, machinations or mayhem, most people place their hopes and trust in authentic individuals whom they come to know through real give and take relationships. People identify with an imperfect yet accessible and courageous leader more than an unfeeling iconic statue.

A Closing Leadership Mantra and Message, Method and Model

Here’s a final leadership mantra: Learn to “Let Go”: Turn Your Intimate FOE into Inspiring Flow! People want to connect with real and risk-taking leaders. They too want to laugh at their flaws and foibles, to painfully learn from yet also playfully laugh in the face of failure…to finally let go of that incessant critical voice. Many want to taste and touch this potent, idiosyncratic and liberating energy and spirit. For when you bring both head and heart, when you simultaneously project a purposeful and provocative, passionate and playful message and presence, you become a magnet; people are drawn to your energy and essence. (Consider my expansion of a saying passed on by a battle-tested salesman: “Logic Tells and Passion Sells. And ‘Passion Power’ Compels.”) Yet, ironically, if your motivation is unselfish, you will help others become less afraid of speaking up, if not of breaking out and breaking away. Remember, from its biblical origins, spirit is “the breath and flow of life,” hence spirit’s connection with “respiration” and “inspiration.” So if you are determined to:

a) rebuild your purposeful and passionate, newfound possibilities fire,
b) not be distracted or constrained by draining and unproductive power struggles, and
c) embrace and share your imperfect humanity while breathing life and energy into others…try the Stress Doc’s CPR method – be a model for “Creative-Passionate-Risk-Taking” (CPR) Leadership…Grieve, Let Go and Become the Flow.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Defying Cultural Patterns and Predictions Engaging Stress and Crisis: 3 “R”s for Discovering Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking Essence

2011-04-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

When you get a thank you card at the end of a program signed by participants during the event either it’s a less than captivating workshop or the group was really motivated to give you feedback. Fortunately, it was the latter and the words inscribed were very positive and poignant – people felt “enlightened,” “inspired” and “the word stress will mean (some) thing different after your seminar.” Sponsored by Federal Asian Pacific American Council (FAPAC), the “Brown Bag” program was, “The Challenge of Natural and Man-Made Disasters: Growing through Crisis and Building Bridges & Networks.” While the turnout was small (ten folks) and richly diverse (a variety of Asian nationalities and two African-Americans, more men than women, most over forty or fifty years of age, and many in management/leadership positions at different federal and DC agencies), we had a truly open and insightful, lively and heartfelt exchange. The focus was less about the tragedy in Japan and more about the challenge closer to home – working for the Federal or DC Govt. (whose funding is tied to the feds), especially in the time of budget cuts and freezes and looming program contraction. (I suspect the small turnout reflected how many government employees are feeling anxious or “out of control” about their uncertain environment; meetings are being called suddenly; people are bunkering down.)

I believe the group was somewhat surprised by the level of intimate sharing, as this is not standard procedure at their meetings. In fact, before the program, one of the program coordinators reminded me that this is a group that culturally does not typically open up about their emotions; FAPAC members tend to be analytical and either hold their feelings tight to the vest (especially in a work setting) or get straight to the point. They are not into the “soft” stuff, regardless of sex. At one point the group laughed at my acknowledging that in FAPAC there are not only Rambos; probably as many Rambettes.

Defying Cultural Expectations: Four Key Steps

However, I have spoken at FAPAC and ASPIRE (Asian professionals at the IRS) conferences before and have always been able to generate stimulating interaction, considerable laughter and meaningful sharing among groups of fifty or more.

So what helped us once again defy the so-called “cultural” tendency regarding openness, and in only fifty minutes? I believe the key was a four step process:
1) Acknowledging cultural coping patterns
2) Pondering why Stress Doc programs with primarily Asian audiences have been so well received
3) Exploring the Chinese iconographic concept of “crisis” – “danger and opportunity”
4) Using a risk-taking questionnaire for self-evaluation, small group consultation and large group discussion along with supportive and informative feedback.

Let’s separately examine these “Four Mind- and Heart-Opening, 3 “R” – Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking – Tools of Engagement”:

1. Acknowledging Cultural Coping Patterns. When it comes to dealing with stress and crisis, all cultural groups have both strengths and vulnerabilities. However, I told the group I wanted to focus on a “Western” coping pattern; actually an iconic symbol of the vanishing “Old West” – the cowboy or the traditional “Marlboro Man” – affixed on his horse, all alone, staring out on an expansive horizon. I then quickly shifted to the obvious: in a time of unprecedented interactivity and interconnectivity we cannot afford to be the isolated Lone Ranger or Rangerette. Also, I reminded the group: “Strong silent types get a lot more ulcers than they do Oscars!”

And, of course, this is doubly true in a crisis. Research shows that in times of high uncertainty, stress and “No Exit” challenges, a key to resiliency is connecting and sharing with like-situated others, that is, people who not only can walk in our shoes but also feel our bunions! Misery doesn’t just like company. In fact, research shows it especially likes miserable company. In tough times, almost nothing beats or better helps rejuvenate than sharing an understanding laugh. Finally, when habitual ways of coping are insufficient to the personal-professional-familial challenge at hand, it’s critical to engage with friends, colleagues and/or advisors who can provide new problem-solving ideas and resources, and also help you realize you don’t have to struggle alone.

2. Elaborating Past Program Success. I posited that my programs have been well-received by Asian-Pacific American audiences because we gradually create a safe atmosphere for risking sharing emotions and imperfections, being able to laugh at one’s own (and others’) flaws and foibles, while giving people permission to be a bit “out-rage-ous.” Various conference program exercises, in particular a 3-“D” Team Exercise – Discussion, Drawing & Diversity – enables participants to playfully and pointedly yet respectfully question as well as poke fun at dis-organizational authority and bureaucratic absurdity. And in several post-3-D feedback segments, attendees have emphasized the perfectionist or critical family voice still being carried around. The younger Asian-Pacific American professionals more eagerly jump in to the interactive exercise; the more senior participants seem to experience a greater sense of relief and gratitude for the opportunity to open briefly their personal-cultural “Pandora’s Box.”

3. Exploring the Double-Edged, Chinese Concept of “Crisis.” Back in the 1980s, teaching “Crisis Intervention,” I would share with Tulane University Social Work graduate students how the Chinese wisely depict “crisis” with two iconographic symbols – “danger” and “opportunity.” Back to the present, the FAPAC group brainstormed some of the perceived dangers of crisis – from profound uncertainty and anxiety to loss of control and feeling overwhelmed. In response to a participant’s observation, I quoted psychiatrist Jerome Frank’s definition of “hopelessness”: an inability to imagine a tolerable future. While not quite as easy to identify, we eventually captured the “half full” component of crisis: You are compelled to think outside your box. Breaking away from habitual coping patterns and exploring new problem solving strategies generates unexpected options, resources and alliances. And, with help, if you can fight through the initial crisis-induced fog, confusion, depression, panic or paralysis then the crisis state – by definition a time-limited challenge – will fairly quickly, usually within one day to six weeks, fuel heightened determination and focus, along with an unforeseen capacity for dealing with risk.

And crisis also fuels another driving force: As I asked the group, "What's the first thought that comes to mind when you hear the word 'Passion'?" Here's a hint: it's the "s"-word, but neither the three letter (sex) or four letter (silk or soap opera) variety. Actually, if you have a good dictionary the "s'-word for passion is suffering, as in the Passion Play – the sufferings of Jesus, or more generically, the sufferings of a martyr. I recall a workshop participant's mind-opening response to the word "passion": Rosa Parks. Perfect! Crisis, Passion & Risk (talk about some stimulating CPR) can compel one who is truly prepared to take a stand (for Ms. Parks, fittingly enough, by remaining seated), to courageously assert integrity no matter the hostility of the environment.

The Yin-Yang Potential of Painful Memory

There’s another dynamic that captures both sides of the crisis spectrum: the intensity of a crisis state generates cracks in your psychic-emotional defenses. Painful memories and feelings begin to seep or sometimes flood into consciousness. Not only are you dealing with a scary outer world, but your turbulent inner psyche is adding to the boiling and buzzing confusion. The oft asked question: “Am I going crazy?” Likely not; you are experiencing a natural crisis byproduct. And there are two potential benefits:

a) facing and embracing these resurrected emotions helps you grieve and reexamine the pain from the past; you no longer need to employ as much energy keeping these charged, frightening or upsetting emotions at bay. The tears of grief help cleanse old wounds. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like Spring upon Winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal, and

b) in kindred fashion, acclaimed 20th c. British author, John Fowles noted, emotional memories are his “electric current.” He needs to be plugged into this power source for creative juices to maximally flow. So potentially, in crisis not only are you thinking out of box but you’ve also courageously opened your Pandora’s Box. Many forget that the last so-called demon to escape from the mythological box was in fact “hope.” So in the spirit of Yin-Yang holism, embracing potent memories unleashed by crisis frees up latent energy, hope and creativity…pretty powerful crisis opportunities and legacies.

4. Using a Risk-Taking Questionnaire for Self-Evaluation and Group Consultation. The FAPAC group was ready to put our ideas and insights to work. The evaluation-collaboration-feedback tool was the risk-taking quiz below. First, the participants were divided into small groups of three or four. (Starting small helps foster participation and openness.) After answering the questions individually, each person selected two questions reflecting areas of risk-taking strength (strong “Yes”) and two areas of vulnerability (strong “No”). Participants then shared their results, engaging in give-and-take problem solving with “strong Yes” group members helping strengthen a colleague’s identified areas of vulnerability. In closing, as each team reported back to the larger group, one critical thread emerged: not being paralyzed by failure or the fear thereof, that is, accepting, even encouraging, failure, as a vital learning component of an effective crisis management and creative risk-taking process. Despite the recognition that each person in the room was a success story, many acknowledged the underlying shame triggered by project failure or simply a dread of that lurking “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.”

Two failure-busing strategies were proposed:
a) try to redefine failure as less personal judgment and more transitional space between aspiration and current position; a transformational key is recognizing that old critical ghosts still walk the dark halls of your psyche and realizing that these outdated critical-cultural voices need not overrule your own expectations, time frames and standards for success; the understanding gained from trial and error helps close the gap; remember the mantra for turning FOE into friend: when it comes to failure, we are learners not losers!
b) and a second mantra: Strive high and embrace failure: set goals high, give it your best, and accept that you will often fall somewhat short; failure is simply a natural part of your modus operandi; again, falling short and lessons long remembered are the perennial stepping stones for rising and reaching anew.

The Risk-Taking Self-Assessment Quiz

[adapted from Stacy Hunt and Mark Gorkin, “Risky Business: Learn to Climb Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Legal Assistant Today, June 2006]

To evaluate how much of a social-cognitive and performance-problem solving risk taker you are, answer the following questions. Be honest with yourself! There are no right or wrong answers. Try to answer “Yes” or “No”; for some questions you may decide both answers apply, depending on the situation or context. If so, consider assigning a percentage, e.g., 70% Y and 30% N. This quiz provides the opportunity to explore your personal feelings and beliefs and gain some insight into areas of strength and vulnerability when in or out of a social, emotional and learning comfort zone.

1. Do you associate failure more with learning opportunity instead of with feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy or being a “loser?”

2. Do you tend to consider things from different (even conflicting) sides and see shades of gray rather than as all or none, black or white?

3. Can you usually work effectively on a problem and reach closure despite feeling anxious or knowing your end-product may be less than perfect?
4. In general, are you relatively comfortable with uncertainty or ambiguity?

5. Can you question or disagree with authority or convention, privately as well as in a public setting?

6. When you are wrong, can you publicly acknowledge an error or mistake, even laugh at your flaws and foibles, instead of attempting to cover them up?

7. Under time or performance pressure do you tend to become more productively focused rather than scattered, inert or impulsive?
8. Are you a self-motivator rather than needing to be motivated by other people, structured goals/rewards, etc?

9. During times of meaningful change, do you feel positively excited and curious rather than feeling anxiously out of control?

10. In general, do you like to explore new paths or procedures instead of following well-practiced or trusted paths or procedures?

11. Are you able to often see or redefine a problem as an opportunity; do you tend to make lemonade from lemons?

12. When it comes to problem-solving do you tend to balance analysis and logic with emotion and intuition?

13. Can you make decisions in a timely manner (or without excessive delay) even when being wrong or making a mistake is a possibility?

If you answered, “yes” to a majority of the above questions, you tend to feel comfortable with uncertainty, performance anxiety, change, i.e., taking risk. If you answered “no,” to half or more of the questions, or have two or three big “NO”s, it is likely time to start developing risk-taking characteristics and time for exploring a larger world.

Closing

A four step process has been outlined for turning a “lunch & learn” into a culturally diverse laboratory for cultivating self-responsibility, resiliency and risk-taking (the 3 “R”s; also the title of my new leadership program) during times of stress and crisis. Even with a self-described “analytical, close to the vest” cultural group, in rather short order, a climate can be nurtured that encourages open and intimate sharing, emotional reflection and supportive group engagement. The four keys:
1) Acknowledging cultural coping patterns
2) Pondering why Stress Doc programs with primarily Asian audiences have been so well received
3) Exploring the Chinese iconographic concept of “crisis” – “danger and opportunity”
4) Using a risk-taking questionnaire for self-evaluation, small group consultation and large group discussion along with supportive and informative feedback. Surely here are ideas and steps to help one and all develop those 3 “R”s and to…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

3 "R" Leadership and Starting a “Gentoring” ™Program: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons"

2011-03-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

[If you do not wish to receive my free mailing, please email stressdoc@aol.com.]

Hi,

Agenda:
1) Recent workshops and feedback
2) Upcoming Leadership Program
3) Gentoring essay on Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons”

4) What do you think?: Will be the keynote speaker for an Indiana Chamber of Conference Wellness Conference in Sep. The theme is "Stress" and they asked me for a clever tagline: Here's my best effort:
"Transforming Stress: Turning 'Fight or Flight' into 'Friend and (Creative) Flow'"

Want to try coming up with a theme? I will forward the entry with your name and email address.
---------------

1) Some recent programs and feedback

College and University Public Relations Association of Pennsylvania (CUPRAP) -- Annual Conference [Practice Safe Stress and Team Building Program]

Mar 24, 2011

Thanks Mark! I really enjoyed your session. We will keep you in mind for our next retreat here at Juniata College, although the date for that has not yet been named.

G
Marketing and Development
(Reference info upon request)
-----------------------------------

International Public Management Association for Human Resources-- Virginia Chapter[Half-day program "From Reorganization to Resilience"]

Mar 21, 2011

Hi Mark -- As I move into post conference recovery just a note of thanks for a wonderful presentation. Your work is always fun, engaging and informative. It was a pleasure to have you a part of our conference. I look forward to working with you again here in Chesterfield County.

Cindy

Cindy Taylor, IPMA-HR-CP
Learning Consultant
Chesterfield County
Center for Organizational Excellence
9800 Government Center Parkway, 3rd floor
Chesterfield, VA 23832
( (804) 748-1552
taylorc@chesterfield.gov
-------------------------

2) Heading to Chesterfield, VA next week to do a "leadership" workshop for the April 5th Chesterfield County 2011 Supervisory Leadership Conference. Email for more info. Here's a program blurb:

The Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking Leader: Turning on Your “Passion Power” and Inspiring TLCs – “Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration”

In these economically challenging times, today’s leader must know how to step up – to genuinely connect and inspire. Let Mark Gorkin, aka “The Stress Doc” ™, help you discover your “Passion Power” and “TLC Leadership – Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration” even during challenging times. Through compelling presentation along with fun-filled interactive team exercises, Gorkin provides energizing tools and techniques for building individual resiliency, team camaraderie and achieving high performance motivation and morale in the face of uncertainty. Transform stress and conflict into Leadership TLC.

You will also learn to recognize the signs of stress, channeling stress and frustration into safe sharing, cooperative and creative action, and group bonding. Gorkin will show you how to more effectively give and receive feedback and disarm power struggles while building trust. Discover the Stress Doc’s cutting edge model and method for reducing stress, expanding “passion power” energy, generating motivation, and creating team synergy.

OBJECTIVES

Participants will:

1. Quickly identify change stress/burnout warning signs and learn psychological-interpersonal skills for dealing with loss and change to maximize personal and professional recovery and resilience

2. Learn to defuse power struggles, productively engage conflict while building trust by asking empathic-courageous questions and by strengthening collaborative problem solving skills

3. Discover two pillars of resiliency: “Capacity for Risk-Taking” and “Turning On Your Passion Power” – being “Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful”

4. Engage in “whole brain” groups exercises that transform transition-leadership tension into productive sharing, greater understanding, creative problem solving, team building and bonding, and healing laughter.
---------------------

3) Starting a “Gentoring” ™Program: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons”

In the first two segments of my Gentoring essay, a) the concepts of Gentor ™ and Gentoring ™ were introduced (“Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!”), and b) anticipated barriers or “hot buttons” (“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer “Hot Buttons”) were identified, that is, when a generationally older employee, more techno-lizard than wizard, accepts coaching-gentoring from a younger and more computer-multimedia savvy Gen X or Y colleague.

Gentoring: Why the Time is Ripe

Two contemporary factors heighten the importance of initiating a “Gentoring” program: 1) expanding computer-Internet-multimedia competency is critical in today’s 24/7, rapidly changing technology-driven world, and 2) in a time of organizational budget tightening and of a pervasive “do more with less” operational climate, drawing on and maximizing existing internal company and team resources is “bottom line” and mission critical. And a Gentoring program may well provide some “lagniappe” (a N’Awlins phrase for a little something extra, i.e., a “baker’s dozen”): creating collaborative partnerships to help bridge the generational-digital divide.

So let’s move to the junior members and examine the perceived, potential or actual barriers, the psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities that may arise in a Gentoring Start-up. And in this new role and relationship, we’ll especially want to identify likely “hot buttons” of Gen Xers and, especially, Gen Ys (that is, those born after 1964 and 1980 respectively) when trying to coax and coach an older generation of employees across the dino-digital divide. Here are “Five Gen X and Gen Y Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:

1. Family Dynamics. Just as a Traditional or Boomer may relate to a significantly younger colleague, consciously or not, as a son or daughter, or a younger sibling, a member of the digital generation may displace some of their unresolved emotional baggage (hopefully not tonnage) onto their older “Gentee.”

An example was provided in my essay on “Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’”: if a Gen Y makes a mistake she may anticipate (without sufficient objective evidence) an impatient, angry reaction from her male Boomer colleague akin to the abrupt and critical temperament of her father.

Also important to note, this displacement or transference reaction is more likely to be triggered or exaggerated when a person is under intensely acute or chronic levels of stress.

2. Authority-Role-Status Shift. When a person relatively young in age subsumes an authority position he or she will oftentimes experience discomfort; this individual may even feel like an impostor. Or, this person may feel more confident in technical knowledge than in interpersonal skills. When the role involves coaching or “Gentoring” a senior colleague who may well be feeling: a) anxious about computer/communication technology, b) belittled by the age differential and perceived authority-status reversal and/or c) defensive and dismissive of anything meaningful to be gained from a learning process with an inexperienced or “immature” younger colleague. (Remember, that senior colleague may fear for his job security and see the Gentor as a definite threat in this “Brave New Techno-World.”)

”Whew! That Gen Xer or Y has entered the lion’s den. And I can quickly imagine two problematic extremes. The young trainer: a) is intimidated by the role and roar, as well as the defensive or aggressive body language, of the older lion and does not really engage, coax and coach and/or b) covers up feelings of insecurity with an analytical or hard-line, “show them who is boss” and “crack the whip” approach. This process likely yields a head and ego butting outcome, once again confirming the senior’s resistance to computer learning. Of course, another possibility is the idealistic yet naïve trainer who believes her energy and enthusiasm will win over the older colleague, who is reachable despite his or her lion or lizard skin. (Sometimes this happens; more often I’ve observed a disillusioned rescuer.)

3. Thin-Skinned and a Shortened Span. Another challenge for these youthful “Gentors” is the perception that this digital generation, especially the Millennials, are overly sensitive to criticism or overly dependent on the need for approval; they forever want to know “how am I doing?” Some attribute these “immature” qualities to a “friendship” and “collaborative”-based partnership with their parents and other significant adults, including teachers. (Then again, some would call this parent-authority dynamic as “coddling” and “hovering,” demonstrating insufficient boundary setting at the relationship core.)

Is Virtuality Reality?

Of course, related to the need for continuous feedback, if not reassurance, is the fact this digital generation has grown up with instantaneous feedback at the push of a button. And while this provides many advantages regarding multiple and simultaneous data processing it also seems to cultivate some problems such as impatience, low frustration tolerance, and at times a limited ability to concentrate and sustain focus. This multimedia generation has been accused of scanning more than understanding. And naturally a Gentoring relationship will put a thin skin and a short attention span to the test.

Is Reality Virtuality?

However, before moving on, it’s worth noting that the younger generation’s (or at least a large segment’s) ability to interminably play video games seems to put any blanket assumptions about scanning and spanning into question. Deserving further consideration is whether span of attention, information processing and understanding is impacted when the digital-ager is placed in a passive or traditional learning situation compared to one that is interactive and provides some “game control” of the engagement process.

4. Rights and Responsibilities, Structure and Freedom. An oft heard cry is that today’s youth feel entitled to their “rights” without earning or shouldering “responsibilities.” And certainly this younger generation cannot step back into the “Sixties” with all of its trailblazing trials and triumphs along with its escapist excesses and errors. But perhaps the issue is not so black and white. Gen Xers and Ys often do want structure regarding what they are supposed to do and feedback of their progress, with timely rewards, or at least the possibility of “working smarter not harder.” Maybe they are not so independent. Then again, in an age that is so networked and multi-connected, perhaps the goal needs to be more interdependence than being the “Lone Ranger or Rangerette.” Yet within the provided structure, this younger generation often wants the freedom to figure out how they will reach the expected outcome. They want to put their own signature on the project or product.

Of course, this need for feedback and individual expression may generate some pushback from an organization run by workplace norms or from colleagues who’ve adapted to “No news is good news” and who espouse the motivational mantra, There’s no “I” in team.

When “I”s Must “C”: The Necessity for Individual and Interactive Vision

As previously cited, I don’t know if it’s my own ego needs or an appreciation of the complexity of group process-motivation that keeps me from unconditionally embracing the above oft-quoted saying. I’ve amended the motivational mantra, thusly: There May Be No “I” in Team”…but there Are Two “I”s in Winning! And while there are several interpretive possibilities, let’s go with a “letteral” one – the winning “I”s stand for “Interactivity” and “Individuality.” And these “I”s definitely “C”: Highly motivated and morale-driven teams are a dynamic if not paradoxical blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.” So the visionary challenge for today’s workplace, not just for launching a Gentoring program, is getting all generations to buy-in to the need for some idiosyncratic expression and design within an overriding mission-based, interdependent and team-oriented community. And if the digitals and dinos don’t quite speak the same language, how will “we all just get along?”

Can You Have Idiosyncrasy and Inclusion?

Also interesting is that while this younger contingent wants room for individual expression and idiosyncrasy, they also eschew more than previous generations a “win-lose” sense of competition. Their modus operandi seems to value trying and embracing recognition if not rewards for all. And while Millennials especially have been ridiculed for all this “we are the world” fuzziness, their sense of inclusion has also fostered greater multicultural acceptance and understanding than previous generations.

5. Communication across the Generational Divide. On one side of the digital divide is a generation that expects to be heard and wants instant feedback; on the other are folks socialized on the benefits of no news, top down communication and the Chain of Command. And we also have the potential for errors of omission and commission. Regarding the former, what happens when today’s younger generation who often “interpret silence as criticism” interact with more senior, privacy conscious, “no news is good news” colleagues…You think there’s potential for “message sent not being the message received?” Duh!!!

Corrupting the Language vs. Cracking the Code

As for the commission conundrum, are you now required to Tweet, blog, or use a mobile device with apps to do your job? Senior eyes increasingly glaze over as the younger workforce texts requests from the home office using acronyms and abbreviations that would have given even a late 20th century high school English teacher Anaphylactic shock? Conversely, how frustrating is it to be the fresh-out-of-college worker trying to crack the “inside code” of the experienced team members? And all too often being hurtled or beamed across the divide are spear-or laser-like antagonisms, such as, “This is how we've always done it, “Wake up and smell the politics,” “Stop being so resistant,” or "They just don't get it”?

Closing Summary

This essay has outlined “Five Gen X and Gen Y Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:

1. Family Dynamics
2. Authority-Role-Status Shift
3. Thin-Skinned and a Shortened Span
4. Rights and Responsibilities, Structure and Freedom
5. Communication across the Generational Divide

Gentoring Dangers and Opportunities

Certainly these are real challenges to a Gentoring, trial and error start-up. But we don’t wish to end on a despairing note; there’s a potential pass in the generational-digital impasse. As this series has documented, when the younger generation ("Internet Native" to quote NY Times blogger, Nick Bilton) helps a computer or social media averse member of an earlier generation ("Internet Immigrant") improve their techno-literacy and comfort-level, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” (Naturally, it’s a play on “mentor.”). And this digital generation likes being consultants. Hopefully, this collaborative relationship will also increase Gen Xers’ and Millennials’ sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. And while senior workers can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning, productive cross-fertilization requires mutual learning and sharing; especially by loosening role-status barriers while building two-way communicational bridges.

Final Preview

So the final segment will illustrate tools and techniques for the younger generation guiding their anxious seniors across the digital divide. But you will also discover emotional and interpersonal skills for helping the more senior generation "Mentor" their younger colleagues in areas such as institutional wisdom, career progress and office politics, as well as workplace values/norms. With a mutual coaching process and some Stress Doc orchestration, Traditionals and Boomers will find it easier to harmonize generationally, to accept digital/social-media skill-building lessons from their juniors and may even better appreciate some of the idiosyncratic Gen X and Gen Y values and ways.

So stay tuned for, “Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership (across the Age-Experience Spectrum).” Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times

2011-03-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

[If you do not wish to receive my free mailings, email stressdoc@aol.com]

Hi,

Agenda Items:

1) Anomaly or Recovery...or Chronic Stress?

Well it's been a busy week. I don't know if it's an anomaly or a sign of recovery (though I've seen several hopeful signs come and go; then again hype, if not hope, springs eternal); or maybe the prolonged dicey and "lean and MEAN" job market is just tightening the stress knot, but this week alone I've confirmed the following keynote speaking programs and workshops:
> Neace Lukens Insurance Company -- Kentucky Office -- Stress and Team Building
> Indiana Chamber of Commerce-Employee Wellness
> Wisconsin Children's Hospital -- Practicing Organizational Safe Stress
> Stafford, VA County Govt -- spinoff from last week's Intl Public Management Assn Conference
> Intl Paralegal Managers Assn -- Annual 2011 Conference in Boston

Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.

2) A relevant oldie but goodie:

The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief:
Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times

by Mark Gorkin, LICSW

With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser and better supported-connected through genuine grief.

As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

And then a soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career confusion and uncertainty . So here are "Seven Stages of Grief":

1. Shock and Denial or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!

2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.

I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?

3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.

Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes than a judgment upon you.

4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity and esteem) can become louder and more incessant. Self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle.

Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.

5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend rage and sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-destructive behavior than it does to "Going Postal!"

If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen -- if not untie -- the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) doors again.

6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy and/or money in this position or partner…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other?

Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, you're energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout and/or depression.) So remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When you are feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When you are feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with kindred spirits.

As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

"The Six 'F's of Loss and Change": Strategic Steps for Growing through Grief

And finally, consider these vital psychosocial tasks that will be engaged productively or not in times of profound change:

1. Shaking or breaking up life's puzzle; letting go of a familiar past -- rules and routines, roles and relationships
2. Confronting and channeling the anxiety of an unpredictable future,
3. Grappling with a loss of identity and integrity, with a loss of self-esteem and pride...with a loss of face,
4. Exploring and generating new resources -- environmental, informational and psychological -- for evolving a new focus,
5. Seeking and being open to feedback, both challenging and affirming, such as a variety of TLC -- "tough loving care" and "tender loving criticism" -- throughout the grief and rejuvenation process, and
6. Trusting in higher power faith, from a belief in a transcendental power to the synergy and confidence instilled by participating in a vital support group or counseling/coaching relationship; also the faith in knowing that if you have engaged these prior five "f'"s, that is, have done your headwork, heart work and homework, you are building the cognitive and emotional muscles necessary for effectively grappling with those transitional tempests..

Grappling with these "Six 'F's" can help you grow from grief and...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

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Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership

2011-03-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership (across the Age-Experience Spectrum)
or
Enabling the Young Mail Clerk to Teach Even the Senior Executive or Partner about the Marketing Magic of Facebook (while helping the clerk learn some Boomer Basics)

Many workforces today face generational challenges. The Traditionals and Baby Boomers and even some Gen Xers have different experiences, especially when it comes to technology and communication. This is leading to increased levels of workplace stress and frustration across the age-knowledge-experience spectrum. Have no fear...the Stress Doc ™ is here!

Call Webster's (or Dictionary.com), a New Concept is Born

In response to a "Bridging Generational Communication" workshop with a major DC Public Utility, the Stress Doc recently invented the concepts of Gentor ™and Gentoring ™. (Email for essay.) When a younger employee ("Internet Native" to quote NY Times blogger, Nick Bilton) helps a computer or social media averse member of an earlier generation ("Internet Immigrant") improve their techno-literacy and comfort-level, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” (Naturally, a play on “mentor.”) And while "Gentoring" may invert authority-status roles and sound original, challenging and hip, it's in the footsteps of a time-honored tradition of role-status socialization, knowledge sharing, identity formation and facilitating a vital rite of passage.

Ready for Yin-Yang Synergy in Your Workplace?

And building on this idea, let the Stress Doc help you "Start a Mentoring-Gentoring System: Transform the Generational-Digital Divide into a Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership across the Age-Experience Spectrum." Productive cross-fertilization requires mutual learning and sharing. Learn to loosen role-status barriers while building two-way communicational bridges. Discover emotional and interpersonal skills for helping the more senior generation "Mentor" their younger colleagues in areas such as institutional wisdom, career progress and office politics, and workplace values/norms. With mutual coaching and Stress Doc orchestration, Traditionals and Boomers will find it easier to accept digital/social-media skill-building lessons from their juniors and may even better appreciate some of the idiosyncratic Gen X and Gen Y values and ways.

There's a new "Team Motivational Mantra": There's No "I" in Team...But there Are Two "I"s in Winning! And these two "I"s definitely "C": blending "Individual Creativity" and "Interactive Community."

Do You Need a “Gentoring Program” in Your Workplace?

What generational-communicational gaps or challenges do you face in your place of business? Are you now required to Tweet, blog, or use a mobile device with apps to do your job? Do your eyes glaze over as the younger workforcre texts you requests from the home office using acronyms and abbreviations that would have given your high school English teacher Anaphylactic shock? And how frustrating is it to be the fresh-out-of-college worker trying to crack the code of the experienced team members. Are you tired of the phrases, “This is how we’ve always done it" or "They just don't get it”?

The younger generation likes being consultants, and hopefully this collaborative relationship will also increase their sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. Senior workers can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning. Sounds like a win-win generational-communicational bridge that will help one and all. If you'd like to Practice Safe Stress and strengthen workplace motivation and morale, the Stress Doc can organize a generation bridge-team building workshop or retreat that will span the generational-digital and team-agency-company divide.

Discover the Stress Doc’s acclaimed interactive and inspiring “playshop” experience:

1) supplement the younger employee’s digital facility with upgraded and FUN psychological, communicational-empathic and interpersonal-interactive tools along with "hands on," real world exercises,
2) reduce anxiety and lower resistance to new learning,
3) help computer or social/multimedia averse members of earlier generations improve their techno-literacy and comfort,
4) reduce generational-cultural power struggles by enabling seniors to vent playfully their frustration with their generational juniors while facilitating Gentoring and Mentoring experiences across the divide.

Finally, remember, people are more open to a serious message that’s gift wrapped with humor…So, "Don't Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur" and build a Gentoring Network to “partner” with the employee who is more techno-lizard than wizard and bridge the "dino-digital divide."

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 – Critical Components of "Excellence"

2011-03-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

In between working on the Gentoring ™ concept, I'm finishing my essay on ASPIRE-2. Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed Part I which focused on the first six (ASP) "creativity" characteristics --
Aggression & Accessibility
Symbol & Synthesis
Poignant & Playful
Imagery & Irony
Risk-Taking and Rhythm 'n Rhyme
Expressive & Excellence

On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 -– Critical Components of "Excellence"

Excellence. Most of us have a common sense notion of “excellence: the quality or state of being outstanding and superior, to have a particular talent in something.” And its foundation, the word “excel,” means “to do better than all others, than a given standard, or than previous personal achievement.” This segment focuses on select factors that I believe comprise “ongoing learning” excellence, especially continually improving upon a “previous personal achievement. Some factors are self-evident, others might be surprising. Four Critical Components of Excellence:

1. Discovering and Designing Your Talent. According to Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their groundbreaking book, First Break All the Rules: What the World Greatest Managers Do Differently (1999), “talent” is seen as a recurring pattern of thought, feeling or behavior that can be productively applied. It’s not simply God-given. In other words, it’s the love of a certain subject, something your mind-body and head-heart just has to do, or seems to do effortlessly (after hours and hours of practice; see below); it’s the air you breathe. For me, it’s designing ideas and playing with words, especially in a psychological, emotional-communicational and/or creativity context – on the stage or page. Consciously and unconsciously I’m continually soaking this product with “The Four ‘P’s of Passion Power” – being Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful (email stressdoc@aol.com for the “Passion Power” Model) to empathically and excitedly engage, enlighten and empower others. Of course, the engagement process is not unidirectional. You must be willing to take in and explore feedback that both affirms and especially questions your broad talent along with its integral components.

The Power and Proving Ground of Talent vs. Skill

As Buckingham and Coffman observe, the power of talent lies in being “transferable from one situation to another; given the right stimulus, it fires spontaneously”; a skill's efficacy is often more situation or context specific. For example, by knowing his product a salesperson demonstrates a skill; but he may still lack the "emotional intelligence" and "relating" talent for being great at selling a variety of products in a variety of settings to a variety of customers.

As for context, a talent for conveying or facilitating the sharing of ideas and emotions can occur during one-one coaching, in a family therapy session, at a board meeting, in a classroom as well as while leading a webinar. Personally, a commitment to expressing conceptual-communicational talent means developing fluency in keynoting and also keyboarding. The truly talented individual often feels compelled to explore and exercise his or her cognitive-affective muscles in a wide variety of arenas. There may be a need for proof, not just testing one’s own capabilities but also proving others wrong. (I suspect not just the allure of the limelight but also self-challenge in Howard Gardener’s “kinesthetic and musical intelligence” realms are why former football greats like Jerry Rice and Emmett Smith go on “Dancing with the Stars.”)

The Ongoing Path of Mastery

Of course, there’s no shortcut to maximizing your talent. According to Geoff Colvin’s (Talent Is Overrated, 2008), it usually takes 10,000 hours of intense practice to begin to see masterful results. So not surprisingly, after decades of nature and nurture (in a variety of clinical-interpersonal-organizational-conference settings), my “striving, thinking and relating talents” as a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ seem to come naturally; it’s now the way my brain’s wired, it’s in my blood (hopefully not Type A+ “tiger blood”; thank you Charlie for providing a conceptual handle for some of my own hypomanic-lite tendencies). And continuous practice and cogitation, affirming and humbling feedback and learning, much to my surprise, still improve process and product. So this is the essence of my talent; what is yours…and are you willing to do your headwork, heart work and homework?

Stay tuned for other components of "excellence." Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Part III

2011-03-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

In the aftermath of a recent “Bridging Generational Communication” workshop with a major DC utility, I coined two new concepts – “Gentor” ™ and “Gentoring” ™. (My Webmaster frequently notes how Spell-check is not impressed by my wordsmith proclivities!) And a showcase essay, “Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!,” suggested drawing on the digital generations’ computer and multimedia facility to coax and coach an older generation of employees, helping their seniors become more technologically friendly and fluent. Clearly, expanding computer-Internet-multimedia competency is critical in today’s world. (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed this essay, or check my “Google Blob”:

Now let’s consider some of the possible psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities in designing and implementing a Gentoring program. First an examination of likely “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to cross the “techno lizard-digital wizard” divide yet potentially being techno-coached by GenXers and Millennials (born after 1965). The initial “Five of Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:

1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction
2. Authority-Status Shift
3. Family Dynamics
4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out
5. Inadequacy and the “Intimate FOE”

Now for the final “Five Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:

6. Feeling Abandoned and Obsolete. Gentoring processes are often needed, if not implemented, during times of major organizational-operational change. And as I witnessed firsthand, just mixing generations, skillsets and cultures together during a period of uncertain job ebb and flow can produce a volatile reaction. Let me provide a most dramatic example from the mid-90s. During agency reorganization, a division of skilled crafts professionals were let go by one federal agency (located at a modern suburban campus) and were temporarily assigned to the dark and dank cavernous belly of the beast…the basement of the Department of Commerce. At the same time, these professionals, mostly senior white males (Traditionals and Boomers), were being threatened on two other fronts: (a) the possible loss of jobs through computerization and privatization (that is, allowing private industry to bid for federal contracts), and (b) the recent influx of younger women and racial minorities into the shop (who were more savvy with computers than the old-timers). Not surprisingly, during this vulnerable period, racial tension was rising and tempers were flaring. Some folks started pulling up KKK websites; others began bringing Louis Farrakhan tapes to work. And upper management didn't know how to handle this transitional tempest…So they employed the ostrich defense, burying their heads in the operational sands.

Stress Doc to the Rescue

It wasn't until an EEO analyst realized the government was hemorrhaging thousands and thousands (potentially hundreds of thousands) of dollars in formal grievance procedures that I was brought in to stop the bleeding and prevent full-scale escalation. In this critical situation, one-on-one interviews were bypassed; however, we held several face-to-face meetings between labor and management. We moved quickly into a full-day stress and anger management workshop with all parties. After two intense and successful workshops, involving culturally diverse small groups and conflict resolution and camaraderie-building exercises, came a series of post-workshop team building interventions. (The grievance hemorrhaging ceased much to the government’s budgetary relief. Ultimately, many of the older employees retired and accepted a moderate buyout.) While this is an extreme case scenario, having younger folks Gentoring older individuals, especially during a tight economy and “lean and mean” job uncertainty or tightened career advancement, can surely contribute to an edgy learning dynamic.

7. Differential Reactions and Usage among the Generations. Overall, the Traditionals are the least comfortable and computer savvy across the digital divide. These folks definitely need coaching, though significant numbers of older Boomers are not much more fluent. (And even some GenXers compared to Milennial Mavens and the upcoming generation – Multi-MIDS ™: Multi-Media Instantaneous Digitals – seem more techno-lizard than wizard.) Actually, Boomers, in general, often view our ever-increasing dependence on computers and technology as a “mixed bag.” I myself have referred to the “e” in e-mail as really standing for “escape.” That is, people of all generations, but especially GenXers and Ys often actively avoid face-to-face (f2f) communication, especially during times of interpersonal conflict. (And the dangers of attempting to clarify or work out misunderstandings and conflicts virtually are glaringly obvious. Attitude and tone can jump off the screen without the benefit of contextual body language, facial gestures and live give-and-take.)

Generational Communication Styles and Substance

Clearly, the various generations have differentially adopted and adapted to the new communication/multimedia options like Skype and Smart Phone Apps to Kindles and I-Pads. Many in the earlier generations don’t understand the need for “Facebook Friends,” nor do they approve of endless tweeting and texting. Speaking of communication preferences, my cousin is a Boomer whose job requires coordinating with vendors around the globe. She finds that vendors of the younger generations basically will not answer their phones; they only respond to or send texts and emails. Again, face-to-face or voice-to-voice is being replaced by a less personal, more virtual exchange; it’s a source of consternation for many, especially those endorsing “Practice Safe Text” or not enamored with “the art of the short but sweet tweet” and other forms of social media.

8. Miscellaneous Hot Button Issues. Four “hot button” issues have become everyday dividers:

a) Focused Attention. Seniors questioning their juniors’ ability to sustain focused attention on a task or solving a problem; the boredom-frustration tolerance threshold seems to be progressively lowering; while this pattern may seem more pronounced for the more youthful employees, once you get plugged into “high speed” technology, waiting becomes more onerous for just about everyone,

b) Scanning vs. Understanding. Gen X and especially Gen Y/Millennials looking for quick (and Trads & Booms, and even GenXers might say) superficial responses or scanning at the expense of more thoughtful, careful and solid trial and error, understanding and/or deliberate problem solving, and

c) Entitlements vs. Earnings. I recall a Boomer business owner articulating what many of his generation are saying about too many of today’s younger employees: “They want their ‘rights’ without having to earn or shoulder ‘responsibilities’!” Let’s try a historical context. For example, a sense of “entitlement” can be particularly irksome for Boomers who helped pioneer the late-‘60s and ‘70s Women’s Movement. When these groundbreakers perceive younger women taking for granted new found opportunities and especially if Xers and Millennials are unaware of or seem disinterested in the history of the social-economic-political struggles and hard-fought efforts for change by their “older sisters,” real cross-generation frustration can arise.

d) Trophy for Winners vs. Trophy for All. Another common dismissive refrain heard by senior folks is the Millennial notion that everyone gets a trophy just for participation. The concept of merit seems to be getting short shrift. I think the younger generations still has work to do in selling the “soft skills” and “it takes a village” value and meaning of “inclusion” as opposed to a competitive edged world of winners and losers.

9. “E & E” vs. “I & I”. Many in the older generation believe one is productive by combining “Effectiveness” (Doing the right thing) and “Efficiency” (Doing the thing right), along with unselfish team effort. For the latter, the prevailing mantra might be, “There’s No ‘I’ in Team.” Despite their facility and infatuation with “smart technology,” numbers of colleagues see the younger side of the digital divide trumping the pair of “E”s with “I”s, that is, Gen X & Ys need to establish their own “idiosyncratic identity” (not a big surprise in the age of websites, blogging and Facebook). Clearly, doing “your own thing” in a culture extolling “workplace norms” will trigger some tension in-house and across the generational-digital divide. And if not feeling challenged or stimulated, young minds and legs (not to mention mouths) just might be off and running. But don’t despair…the Stress Doc ™ is here with another one of his pithy maxims to improve productivity and morale.

When “I”s can “C”: Individual and Interactive Synergy

While not getting into solutions at this point, let me just say that there are a pair of “I”s that have the potential to be pillars of a generational bridge: “Individuality” and “Interactivity.” As a brief explanation, for example, I’ve always had a somewhat unsettled feeling about the above truism, “There’s No ‘I’ in Team.” I don’t know if it’s my own ego needs or an appreciation of the complexity of group process-motivation that keeps me from unconditionally embracing the oft-quoted saying. I’ve amended the motivational mantra, thusly: There May Be No “I” in Team”…but there Are Two “I”s in Winning! And while there are several interpretive possibilities, let’s go with one that allows our “I”s to “C”: highly motivated and morale-driven teams possess two winning “I”s that are a dynamic if not paradoxical blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”

Benefits of Blending Creativity and Community

If we can develop a team and workplace atmosphere that:

a) encourages individual and team exploration and innovation,

b) helps the larger community open up to new perspectives and meaningful innovation – through “flexibly focused” yet “out of the box” experimentation trials; remember, creative minds tend to gravitate toward the edge of chaos, then pull (or may need to be pulled) back,

c) challenges/supports the mind-opening maverick to engage with the “Tried (and) True (while also generating the) New” (to borrow a theme from my Metro DC-NASW Chapter’s recent Social Work conference), and

d) helps nurture a stronger sense of commitment by the “individual creator” to colleagues, collectives and the company – generating a mutual, optimally stimulating “interactive community” – then we are linking and playing generational win-win hands.

10. Culture of Authority. Popular psycho-cultural commentator, Malcolm Gladwell, in Outliers: The Story of Success (2008), shares a vignette that has great significance for “hot button” barriers across the generational divide. In the 1980s, the Columbian and Korean airlines were reporting a statistically aberrant (high) number of fatal air crashes. Typically, there were two people in the cockpit, the senior pilot and the co-pilot, a junior officer. As it turned out, who was flying the airplane proved extremely relevant to the forensic investigation. Any ideas why? Well, the older, senior officer was flying the plane and, no, the problem wasn’t the pilot being too casual. The problem was cultural and status/age-related in nature. The junior pilot was the navigator. Upon first sensing trouble, he was not able to decisively-aggressively warn his older colleague that the latter was placing the craft in danger, about to make a fatal mistake, e.g., flying toward a cloud covered mountain. According to the “black box” and control tower records, by the time the co-pilots warnings took on a sufficiently urgent tone, if they ever did, it was too late. Ingrained in the junior pilots of these countries was a culture of subservience to authority and age, including indirectness and subtlety in all manner of verbal and nonverbal communication. Sometimes, the junior navigator ignored the visual gauge evidence, assuming that the pilot (because of his seniority) must know what he’s doing. It was not his role to contradict the authority. Whatever the thought-behavior pattern, the result was junior pilot passivity and lack of decisive intervention in the face of critical danger.

A Down to Earth Example

Ironically, and fortunately, I experienced a less dramatic example of this cultural dynamic during training with soldiers at Ft. Hood. A twenty-something male soldier shared having problems explaining to his senior officer why there were some operational delays in moving stock from a warehouse. (And it was this sharing that prompted my telling the above Outliers vignette.) At the end of the training, after most of the soldiers had filed out, the soldier came up to me and said, “Your story had a lot of meaning for me…I was born in Columbia!”

Gentoring and the PDI

So what are the implications of this critical-cultural story and Gentoring? Clearly, when younger employees are partnering with more senior employees one must be aware of multicultural sensitivities, socialization sensibilities and emotionally charged values, especially related to the Triple “A” – Authority-Age-Aggression. Actually, Gladwell mentions a research concept, the “Power Distance Index” (PDI) as underlying whether communication between generations of various cultures is assertive and direct or passive and indirect. He poses three influential questions:

1) how much a particular culture value and respect authority?

2) how afraid are employees to express disagreement with superiors?

3) do individuals/subordinates expect and accept that power is distributed unequally? (For example, one might say that the once prevailing cultural PDI is certainly being challenged across the Middle East.)

What’s the PDI ambiance in your organization or shop? It will definitely influence the quality of your generational bridge, and could well make or break a Gentoring Program! Actually, a rigid or intimidating PDI ambiance can stifle open communication and effective coordination within and throughout all organizational levels.

Oh yes, one final footnote: All Korean pilots eventually received Western style “assertiveness training” and in a triumph of “nurture over (cultural) nature” their safety records soon matched the industry standard.

Closing Summary

“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Parts II and III have highlighted potential psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to partner with their younger, digital savvy colleagues. Clearly, in today’s workplace and society overall, crossing the dinosaur-digital divide is mission and morale critical. The “Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons” for designing and implementing a Gentoring program are:

1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction

2. Authority-Status Shift

3. Family Dynamics

4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out

5. Inadequacy and the “Intimate FOE”

6. Feeling Abandoned and Obsolete

7. Differential Reactions and Usage among the Generations

8. Miscellaneous Hot Button Issues

9. “E & E” vs. ” I & I”

10. Culture of Authority

And Part IV will examine “hot buttons” for Gen Xers and Millennials when having to Gentor the computer averse or stressed of the more senior generations. Until then… Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Part II

2011-03-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hi,

Getting some enthusiastic and thoughtful response to the Gentor ™ and Gentoring ™ concepts:
a) the legal magazine, KNOW, wants to publish my first article (see link below),
b) a Colonel at a military war college wants to brainstorm program ideas re: my "Bridging the Generational Divide" programs,
c) another Colonel and colleague believes, like a good wine, my conceptual products are improving with age,
d) another colleague in the legal field thought the concept, "Hysterical," and can't wait to share with others,
e) a long time reader emailed, Hi Mark, You are so relevant! Always up on the "times." And
f) a colleague and friend, an HR/EEO consultant for a federal govt agency, gently reminded me that, while the phrase "Don't Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur" is cute and catchy, not all will be thrilled by my painting with a broad brush seniors as "digital dinosaurs."

With all of the above in mind, let's push on to Part II and examine potential senior "hot button" issues when crossing the digital-generational divide. Believe me, as a Boomer who is not a technology maven, I'm drawing on many of my own fears, flaws and foibles. Again, any and all feedback is very appreciated. Thanks. Best wishes and good adventures,

Mark
-----------------

“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Part II

In the aftermath of a recent “Bridging Generational Communication” workshop with a major DC utility, I coined two new concepts – “Gentor” ™ and “Gentoring” ™. (My Webmaster frequently notes how Spell-check is not impressed by my wordsmith proclivities!) And a showcase essay, “Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!,” suggested drawing on the digital generations’ computer and multimedia facility to coax and coach an older generation of employees, helping their seniors become more technologically friendly and fluent. Clearly, expanding computer-Internet-multimedia competency is critical in today’s world. (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed this essay, or check my “Google Blob”:

Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™: Speaking/Workshop Program: “Gentoring” ™: Building a New M
or
http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/02/speakingworkshop-program-gentoring.html .

Now let’s consider some of the possible psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities in designing and implementing a Gentoring program. First an examination of likely “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to cross the dinosaur-digital divide yet potentially being techno-coached by GenXers and Millennials (born after 1965). Here are “Five of Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons” – Part I:

1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction. While Gentoring is not formal supervision, I’ve heard enough troubling firsthand accounts of tumultuous early stages of younger supervisor–older supervisee interactions to list this as an early red alert. The more senior employee’s defensive-aggressive reaction – overt or covert – is basically this: “What makes you think that (with your lack of experience, maturity, delusion of competence, etc.) you can teach me anything (of real relevance, meaning, consequence, etc.) or have any authority over me?” This concern about perceived authority and control may surface even if the Gentoring program is voluntary.

2. Authority-Status Shift. The Traditionals and even many of the more senior Boomers grew up with or were socialized by a “Chain of Command” system involving a top-down authority structure and information flow typically based on work-role experience, seniority and status. These folks tend to believe that it takes considerable time and front line experience and accomplishment (as well as knowing the system or political culture) to rise in the ranks, earn your stripes and achieve “managerial” status. All this translates into an expectation that the “Four ‘R’s of Organizational Routine and Responsibility” – Rules, Roles, Rewards and Relationships – be clearly defined, predictable and “by the book” (if not a tad “black or white”). A Gentoring process inverts and, for some, subverts the traditional or conventional authority-role-status relations.

3. Family Dynamics. For both parties across the generational-digital divide, workplace relationships can take on parent-child or older-younger sibling overtones, especially when we consider that for most employees more waking time is spent at work than at home. This kind of role-relationship confusion, for example, a Traditional or Boomer responding to a younger person less as a colleague and more as a child or sibling, in the therapeutic realm is referred to as “transference.” I call the conscious overgeneralization “overt transference” and the unconscious (including visceral, nonverbal) overgeneralization “covert transference.” Conversely, a Gen Xer or Millennial may respond to an older colleague/supervisor as a parental figure or older sibling. For example, if a Gen Y makes a mistake she may anticipate (without sufficient objective evidence) an impatient, angry reaction from her male Boomer colleague akin to the abrupt and critical temperament/behavior of her father.

Also important to note, a transference reaction is more likely to be triggered or exaggerated when a person is under intensely acute or chronic levels of stress. Not only can the role-power inversion be unsettling but Traditionals and Boomers are being asked to jump into the deep end of the pool – increase their computer competency – an inherently stressful knowledge area for many of older generation folks. Hmm...for future cogitation: might we consider the younger generation as both swim coach and life guard?

4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out. If jealous feelings surface there may be several sources fueling this smoldering or charged emotion. Whether the senior party is an employee or a supervisor/manager, he or she may or may not be jealous of the status and skill level, role and power of his or her younger coach or Gentor. However, for the more senior member this relationship may evoke feelings/memories of promotions or advancement opportunities missed or denied (whether fairly or not). Gentoring may also stir up jealousy or resentment for past or present opportunities provided to former or current colleagues.

What this means is that a defensive, unaware or in denial senior learner may well:

a) directly displace his unresolved jealousy or hostile feelings onto the Gentor and/or

b) passive-aggressively act out or resist – from coming late to sessions to being stubbornly silent with, dismissive or negatively skeptical of – the Gentor and Gentoring program.

5. “Inadequacy and the Intimate FOE”. Not surprisingly, overt or passive-aggressive acting out of angst, hostility and rage are frequently smoke signals for core, smoldering emotions and threats:

a) feelings of shame or humiliation, alas, nurtured in childhood, often with a bullying parent, teacher or peer, or even in abusive relations as an adult and

b) having to confront your “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure,” that is, our persona, mask or public cover will be blown and our shadow side – our lurking, self-perceived inadequacy or incompetency, both in and beyond the realm of technology – will be revealed for all to see.

Stay tuned for Dino-Digital Defenses 6-10. Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Speaking/Workshop Program: “Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide

2011-02-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

“Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the
Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!”

In today’s 24/7 always on, multicultural world and workforce, rapidly cycling between constant upgrading and “doing more with less,” creating communication and team coordination bridges among the organizational generations (and among all its culturally diverse components) is mission and morale critical. There’s definitely a need for a wide communication-relationship highway to surmount the digital divide between the Traditionals and Boomers and the Gen Xers and Millenials (not to mention the fast-approaching next generation –- the Multi-MIDS ™ (Multi-Media Instantaneous Digitals). And there’s one generational bridge and new mentoring role ready for operation: Gentoring: Pairing a Gen Xer or Gen Y/Millennial as a coach or mentor (“Gentor” ™) with a more senior and computer/multimedia stressed colleague. Discover the Stress Doc’s acclaimed interactive and inspiring “playshop” experience: supplement the younger employee’s digital facility with upgraded and FUN psychological, communicational and interpersonal-interactive tools and exercises for: a) lowering resistance to new learning and b) helping computer or social/multimedia averse members of earlier generations improve their techno-literacy and comfort. Reduce generational-cultural power struggles by enabling seniors to vent playfully their frustration with their generational juniors while appreciating and learning from the latter’s digital and collaborative fluency. Finally, remember, people are more open to a serious message that’s gift wrapped with humor…So, build a Gentoring Network to “pet and partner” with the dinosaur and bridge the “dinosaur-digital divide.”

Outline/Objectives

A. Overview of Generational Differences and “the Digital Divide”

1. Identify Differences between Generations – Culture, Attitude, Values and Education (Getting Out of the CAVE)
2. Why the Need for Gentoring? Danger and Opportunity on both Sides of the Digital Divide

B. Barriers to Crossing and Connecting the Generational-Digital Divide

1. Fear of Change, Loss of Control and “Confronting the Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure”
2. Intervention in a Generational-Multicultural Workplace Battle Zone: Case Example of Stopping Grievance Procedure Hemorrhaging

C. Psychological-Communicational-Cultural Challenges in the Gentoring Process

1. Psychological Dynamics of Inverting the Authority Role – Recognizing “Hot Buttons” when the Digital Generation (DGs) Partner with or Supervise Traditionals and Boomers (TBs)
2. Exercises for Defusing Power Struggles, Disarming Critical Aggressors, Building Trust and Generating Collaborative Styles of Conflict Resolution (using the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Styles Inventory)

D. Building Generational-Gentoring Bridges across the “Dinosaur-Digital” Divide

1. Benefits of and Necessary Coaching, Active Listening, Empathy and Questioning Skills for One-on-One Gentoring
2. Helping the Generations Appreciate and Value Generational Differences and Commonalities for Creating Yin-Yang Partnership Synergy
-----------------------------

“Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the
Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!”

This week I led a “Bridging Generational Communication” workshop with a major DC Government utility. The groups of managers and employees (a mix of Boomers and Gen Xers) were asked to identify an area of breakdown in generational relations and then list some problem-solving recommendations. One team focused on how many of the “older” field employees are techno-dinosaurs, at least with computers. And now management wants to put laptops on the trucks so workers can immediately process field reports. Stress and frustration levels are increasing!

I was an observer-participant during this group’s “taming the dinosaur” brainstorm. (My newest mantra: "Don't Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur.") We came up with several recommendations, besides employees attending computer training, including:

1. Have the Mountain Come to Mohammed. Even mandating computer classes at HQ for field employees still might not be the most effective recruiting tool. How about a mobile computer lab traveling to different work sites during the day?
2. One-On-One Computer Coaching. I personally shared my “computer virgin” status in the early ’90s, including struggling with my “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.” The smartest thing I did was hire an out of work computer consultant, to sit with me, walk me through key operations, hold my hand as necessary, etc. She came to the office about twice a week for four weeks. I have no doubt that a faster learning curve was my ROI, not to mention the money I saved on anticipated psychotherapy sessions.
3. A Generational Bridge. The group understood the value of personal coaching or mentoring relationship with a potentially anxious or resistant student. One group member discussed the importance of having a trusted colleague as a coach. Clearly, not wanting to feel embarrassed or humiliated was on folks’ minds. Eventually, though, I saw a generational bridge just waiting to be put into operation: how about pairing a Gen Xer or Gen Y/Millennial as a coach or mentor with a more senior and computer stressed colleague? (Naturally, at home the kids can potentially coach the parents, though this might be tricky.)

And later that evening I had a semantic “aha”: a new neologism and “job description” for our multigenerational workplace. When a younger employee helps a computer or social media averse member of a more senior generation improve their techno-literacy and comfort, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” And the Gentor’s immediate function is to help bridge the digital divide. And while Gentoring may invert authority-status roles and sound original, challenging and hip, it's in the footsteps of a time-honored tradition of socialization, knowledge sharing and facilitating a vital rite of passage.

So get moving on that “Gentoring Program.” The younger generation likes being consultants, and hopefully this relationship will also increase their sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. And the seniors can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning. Sounds like a win-win communicational-generational bridge that will help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

"Gentoring" ™: Building a New Generational Bridge and Mentoring Role

2011-02-23T15:24:00.000-08:00

This week I led a “Bridging Generational Communication” workshop with a major DC Government utility. The groups of managers and employees (a mix of Boomers and Gen Xers) were asked to identify an area of breakdown in generational relations and then list some problem-solving recommendations. One team focused on how many of the “older” field employees are techno-dinosaurs, at least with computers. And now management wants to put laptops on the trucks so workers can immediately process field reports. Stress and frustration levels are increasing!

I was an observer-participant during this group’s “taming the dinosaur” brainstorm. We came up with several recommendations, besides employees attending computer training, including:

1. Have the Mountain Come to Mohammed. Even mandating computer classes at HQ for field employees still might not be the most effective recruiting tool. How about a mobile computer lab traveling to different work sites during the day?

2. One-On-One Computer Coaching. I personally shared my “computer virgin” status in the early ’90s, including struggling with my “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.” The smartest thing I did was hire an out of work computer consultant, to sit with me, walk me through key operations, hold my hand as necessary, etc. She came to the office about twice a week for four weeks. I have no doubt that a faster learning curve was my ROI, not to mention the money I saved on anticipated psychotherapy sessions.

3. A Generational Bridge. The group understood the value of personal coaching or mentoring relationship with a potentially anxious or resistant student. One group member discussed the importance of having a trusted colleague as a coach. Clearly, not wanting to feel embarrassed or humiliated was on folks’ minds. Eventually, though, I saw a generational bridge just waiting to be put into operation: how about pairing a Gen Xer or Gen Y/Millennial as a coach or mentor with a more senior and computer stressed colleague? (Naturally, at home the kids can potentially coach the parents, though this might be tricky.)

And later that evening I had a semantic “aha”: a new neologism and “job description” for our multigenerational workplace. When a younger employee helps a computer or social media averse member of a later generation improve their techno-literacy and comfort, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” And the Gentor's primary function is helping bridge the digital divide.

So get moving on that “Gentoring Program.” The younger generation likes being consultants, and hopefully this relationship will also increase their sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. And the seniors can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning. Sounds like a win-win communicational-generational bridge that will help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA and Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 – Part II

2011-02-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

Here’s another concept- and performance-based acronym for outlining temperament and tools, techniques and tactics for enhancing imagination along with a capacity for innovation and connection. (You know I’m a charter member of an original, self-proclaimed AA group – “Acronyms Anonymous!”) All you have to do is ASPIRE2…

I = Imagery and Irony

Imagery. According to Gregory Berns, Iconoclast: A Neuroscientist Reveals How to Think Differently, “When confronted with information streaming from the eyes (or the ears, touch, etc.) typically the brain will interpret this information in the quickest and most efficient way possible…To be efficient, the brain will draw on past experiences and any other source of information, such as what other people say, to make sense of what it is (processing). The brain takes shortcuts in the interest of efficiency (and) saving energy.” (Alas, one of the consequences can be “black or white,” “all or none,” b.s. – “be safe” – thinking. Such thinking is not just simplistic; even worse, it’s dull! What eventually bubbles to the surface of consciousness is an image in the ‘mind’s eye.’ Perceptions of the world are really specters of our imagination.”

While we usually associate imagery to an “actual or mental picture – a picture or likeness of somebody or something, produced either physically by a sculptor, painter, or photographer, or formed in the mind, e.g., by a writer, poet, (or inspiring leader/storyteller),” as illustrated above, the process is more universal than imagined.

So my task as a “leading word artist” is to develop ideas that create “mental pictures” both vividly accessible and optimally challenging, maybe also unsettling, and, hopefully, playfully compelling:
a) to grab people’s attention away from all the other competing stimuli and
b) to disrupt habitual, one-dimensional, “tried and tired” or “experience-dependent-categorization” and stimulate enriched or novel perceptions (i.e., the way the brain processes sensory signals) thereby helping others imagine new possibilities and pathways.

Consider my poignantly and playfully provocative poetic mind-scape called, “Double-Edged Depression”:

Waves of sadness, raging river of fear
Whirlpooling madness till I disappear
Into the depths of primal pain...
Then again, no pain, no gain.

Depression, depression
Is it chemistry or confession?
Depression, depression
Dark side of perfection!

Climbing icy spires, dancing at the ledge
The phoenix only rises on the jagged edge
In a world of highs and lows...
Hey the cosmos ebbs and flows.

Depression, depression
It's electrifried obsession
High flying depression
Exalted regression?

So I'm pumping iron and Prozac, too
What else can a real man do?
In a life of muted dreams...
How about a primal SCREAM?

Depression, depression
Even inner child rejection
Depression, depression
Hallelujah for creative expression!

(c) Mark Gorkin 1994
Shrink Rap™ Productions
-------------------------------------------

I can’t “imagine” a better closing quote than this from Marcel Proust: “The real voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes.”

Irony. One potent tool for shaking up people’s mindscape is irony: “humor based on opposites or contradiction – humor based on using words to suggest the opposite of their literal meaning; incongruity – incongruity between what actually happens and what might be expected to happen, especially when this disparity seems absurd or laughable.” Of course, not all are equally adept at grasping or grappling with this double-edged message. Playing off the opening lines of A Tale of Two Cities, a truly classic New Yorker cartoon ironically lampooned the dangers of self-righteous rigidity in the face of seeming contradiction. A nattily attired, pompous looking publisher standing behind his power desk begins to chastise a humbly dressed, hat in hand Charles Dickens: "Really, Mr. Dickens…was it the best of times or was it the worst of times? It could scarcely have been both!" With irony there may be a fine line between lampooning and lancing. (Of course, some inflated ego’s periodically need to be skewered.)

Speaking of fine lines, ironical humor can also help you escape being caught in a tricky triangular bind. Personally, I find the challenge often involves negotiating that delicate distinction between “disarming and demoralizing” humor. Consider how, with an ironic touch of absurdity, the posturing of two antagonists is reframed in an all too human context. As a mid-'90s Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant at a large US Postal Service Processing & Distribution Plant walking the workfloor was commonplace. (Believe me, humor was not a luxury.) One day, I came upon a couple bantering, seemingly playfully, if not a bit seductively. A collegial chorus was also present. The banter suddenly turned fairly provocative and the woman now mouthed the "f u" expletive while throwing her antagonist the proverbial finger. The onlookers quickly warned the couple about me: "Be careful, this guy is the 'Company Shrink.'" Then the male provocateur egged me on: "Now what do you think about what she just did?" With tension building, I nervously paused, then rallied: "What do I think? I just think she thinks you're # 1," and walked off with collective laughter behind me. (A vital humor skill: learn to playfully nip the hand or hands that feed you!) And hopefully, with good-natured irony, the intervention is seen as more healing or harmonizing than hostile.

And sometimes the irony or incongruity can emerge from a mere paradoxical pairing, as found in one of the stanzas of “The Reorg Rag” ™, a lyric about the human impact of budget freezing, downsizing and Reduction in Force (RIF):

Work's now a casino, a high tech RIF** RAFFle:
When will we know? Why does management waffle?
Buddha-Computah…who's pink slipping away?
Here's your ticket to ride; uh, shopping's good in Bombay.

“Buddha-Computah” satirizes our culture’s seemingly deifying all things IT. (And now we have IBM’s, Watson; his post “Jeopardy” exploits makes “W” “The Smartest Machine on the Planet.” Does W have a calculating mind or a memory on electronic steroids? After crunching the two top Jeopardy players, game host, Alex Trebek, warily asked: “Now whose job is on Watson’s radar?”) Alas, these days, at the organizational battlefront, the computer is not just a tool of enlightenment; the all-knowing, mind, job and culture-shaping “Buddha-Computah” determines who wins or loses, who remains or is let go. And you quietly fade out as your job (with or without you) is automated or goes overseas.

Perhaps my goal-mantra is transparent: “To be a wise man and a wise guy!” Hey, a Psychohumorist ™ has got to be double-edgy. (Of course I let the audience decide where to place the emphasis on my role-moniker. ;-)

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA and Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 – Part I

2011-02-13T14:23:00.000-08:00

As a speaker, writer and leader I’m always looking to follow in the mind-prints of, or at least understand and hopefully emulate, Nobel-prize winning scientist, Albert Szent Gyorgyi’s “elegantly simple” words: “Creativity is seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought!” With originality as frame, form and function, what are the key skills and strategies for exploring new performance possibilities, generating potent ideas, inspiring others and strengthening creative output as a word artist – whether on the stage or the page? Actually, I’ve come up with another concept- and performance-based acronym for outlining temperament and tools, techniques and tactics for enhancing imagination along with a capacity for innovation and connection. (You know I’m a charter member of an original, self-proclaimed AA group – “Acronyms Anonymous!”) All you have to do is ASPIRE-2…

A = Aggressive and Accessible.

Aggressive. For me, performance aggression is “characterized by or exhibiting determination, energy, and initiative.” (Definitions throughout are from the Encarta Dictionary.) You want to challenge the status quo comfortable and the tried and tired conventional. Harnessing performance aggression:
 Focuses energy and attention
 Ignites mind-body chemistry
 Fires passion and defuses pain
 Sharpens purposeful thinking
 Heightens drive and discipline
 Breaks chains of habit
 Strengthens commitment, courage and creativity

To play at their best, professional athletes often emphasize two words: to be “aggressive” and “focused.” Performance aggression doesn’t just get you out of the box; it helps you risk confronting b.s. (“be safe”) messages while motivating the building of new frameworks and methods. As the artistic genius, Pablo Picasso, observed, “Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction.” And destruction first and foremost means breaking down the self-righteous and rigid, fearful and frigid boxes and closets which limit the mind’s ability to ignore, explore and soar.

Not surprisingly, trailblazing fire can leave scars, alienate colleagues and may lead to professional ostracism. And perhaps the most daunting dynamic for the "iconoclast", that is, the "destroyer of icons," is the "daily reckoning with a high likelihood of failure." (Gregory Berns, Iconoclast: A Neuroscientist Reveals How to Think Differently, 2010, Harvard Business School). At the same time, consider this life lesson from the Civil Rights Pioneer, Rosa Parks: "I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear." (Of course, a big challenge too is learning to turn down the all-consuming fire when no longer on or into your platform or battlefield.)

Accessible. Being “accessible” means: 1) “easy to enter or reach physically; 2) able to be appreciated or understood without specialist knowledge; and 3) able to be obtained, used, or experienced without difficulty.” And synonyms from Roget’s Thesaurus include approachable, welcoming, and open.

As a word artist, especially when presenting to a live audience, a key performance challenge involves distilling complex material into concrete and discrete ideas and images with substance and style, so people can: 1) sustain their sense of attention and anticipation (e.g., I like being “edgy,” having people on the edge of their seats wondering what this “psychohumorist” ™ is going to do or say next), 2) enter your conceptual and “hands on” world, and 3) quickly grasp and begin to apply the core informational-skill elements. Discarding the interesting but not essential is especially vital in a hyperactive, "do more with less," TNT – “Time, Numbers & Task”-driven – world.

Conversely, as someone attempting to generate new perspectives and approaches I need to welcome surprising and contrary ideas, tools and critical feedback (not that the old ego doesn't occasionally resist or take a hit). In fact, research on problem solving shows that diverse groups tend to engage in creative idea generation more often than homogeneous ones. The former team has to work harder, that is, it must transform misunderstanding and conflict into positive energy-more authentic exchange thereby removing the abc’s of boxed in thinking – assumptions, blinders, and conventions. As John Dewy, pragmatic philosopher and “Father of American Public Education,” observed: Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It shocks us out of sleep-like passivity. It instigates to invention and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict is the sine qua non of reflection and ingenuity.

By understanding, working with and blending divergent perspectives you often fuel a novel solution. And akin to engaging with diversity, there’s another aspect of accessibility especially vital for uncommon performance: acknowledging one’s own errors, emotionally soaking in the pain, analyzing mistakes, and then getting back in the saddle to explore and consolidate new learning. As Adam Gopnick noted in Angels and Ages: A Short Book about Darwin, Lincoln and Modern Times: Repetition is the law of nature but variation (as in biological mutation or error-inducing adaptation) is the rule of life.

S = Symbol and Synthesis

Symbol. One powerful wordsmith tool is thinking symbolically. A “symbol” is: 1) something that stands for or represents something else, especially an object representing an abstraction”; and 2) in “psychoanalysis an object or act that represents an impulse or wish in the unconscious mind that has been repressed.”
For example, in my lyric “The Reorg Rag” ™ (email stressdoc@aol.com for a copy), I likened a reorganizing or Reduction in Force (RIF) environment to another uncertain, high stakes ambiance: Work’s now a casino, a high tech RIF RAFFle. Casino and high tech RIF RAFFle are symbols that capture the abstract, waiting on the edge, often “out of control,” “wing and a prayer” quality of today’s workplace, one that can feel like a winners vs. losers (RIF RAFF) gambling environment.

And whether representing an intangible abstract idea or an intuitive unconscious impulse (e.g. my “Reorg Rag” symbol for transforming from a “Raggedy Ann” victim into a vital individual no longer repressing smoldering anger – “bring out your Inner Rambo or Rambette”), analogy is a dynamic cognitive-emotive tool for “comparing two things that are similar in some way, often used to help explain something or make it easier to understand.” Analogy facilitates accessibility!

Synthesis. Another potent cognitive tool is “synthesis – the process of combining different ideas, influences, or objects into a new and unified whole.” Synonyms include mixture, fusion, amalgamation, combination, and blend. Synthesis is often generated by the tension between contradictory points of view – thesis and antithesis. If you can stay with and cogitate upon this tension and confusion, the reward may be worth the risk. The angst just may fire the right hemisphere of your brain with the potential for sparking metaphorical images and analogies along with surprising and paradoxical visual puns, and even yield a dynamic concept that pulls it all together.

Here's a personal illustration of how the tension between seemingly opposing propositions generated a creative and integrative "Aha!" Back in the early '90s, I wound up writing some rap-like lyrics for a black beauty contest theme song. (Don't ask. I had periodically tried my hand at poetry, including a bluesy number called "The Burnout Boogie." One morning, shortly after my noble, beauty contest effort, I awoke chastising myself: I was a university professor, a psychotherapist (thesis)…What was I doing trying to write rap lyrics (antithesis)? A blazing flash scattered my sleepy haze. As the mist lifted, there…a mystical (if not hysterical) conceptual vision; a catalyst for my pioneering efforts in the realm of psychologically humorous rap music. I was no longer just playing in a field of dreams: "If you write and "Shrink Rap" ™ it…they will come" (creative synthesis). And over the next twelve months I began to pen a series of rap lyrics. Email stressdoc@aol.com for any and all.) Clearly, my goal in life has a paradoxical bent: to be a wise man and a wise guy. Again, a pretty good recipe for a cutting edge thinker, leader and budding "psychohumorist" ™!

P = Poignant and Playful

Poignant. The word “poignant” has two distinct yet interconnected meanings: “1) causing a sharp sense of sadness, pity, or regret, or even physical pain; and 2) sharply perceptive – particularly penetrating and effective or relevant.” A moving link between these two definitions has been found and forged by Kay Redfield Jamison, Johns Hopkins Psychologist and noted author of Touched with Fire: Manic Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. In her psycho-historical study, Jamison noted that creative writers and painters often cycle emotionally. Surely, intense labile moods can be disruptive, as her title indicates. However, profound sadness, melancholy and grief may also compel these individuals to observe the deep and dark complexities, the highs and lows of human nature, and to reflect upon the subtle gray shades of life with greater sensitivity and vision. Consider my poetic passages on the rejuvenating powers of grief as semantic bridges for the above “poignant” variations: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

And how does the spiritual both come down to earth and soar anew? How about this haiku-like text?
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

As a writer and performance artist, I frequently try to capture people’s attention by painting “poignant” pictures and rhythmic narratives infused with both common pain and compelling paradox. Simultaneously, I hope to penetrate and illustrate critical forces shaping the human psyche, interpersonal relating and social culture. The synonyms of “poignant” – moving, emotional, touching, distressing, sad, tender and affecting – are a wordsmith’s means and ends. And when an idea or image is both painful (or evokes piercing memories) and moves us to see and feel more deeply or broadly, including a horizon of unimagined possibilities and pathways, this poignant presentation is “provocative,” as in its French derivation, provocare: to arouse one’s curiosity, to stimulate or challenge, to move to action.

And the final “p”-word at the emotional and semantic, word and performance artistic interface of “pain and poignancy,” “perceptivity and provocation” is passion. Upon hearing the word “passion,” the immediate association is typically “intense or overpowering emotion such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.” However, one provocative “s”-word for passion is frequently overlooked. For example, when I ask audiences to free associate to the word “passion,” not surprisingly the “s”-word comes up…”soap opera.” No, it’s “sex,” of course. Though in Washington, DC the favorite “s”-word for passion is “Senator.” Or it used to be…but then Bill Clinton ruined my joke. ;-) Actually, the surprising “s”-word for passion is neither sex, nor soaps, nor Senator…it’s “suffering” as in the Passion Play, the sufferings of Jesus Christ from the Last Supper until his crucifixion, or more generically the sufferings of a martyr. (Imagine, all this time I never knew my Jewish mother was such a passionate woman.)

Hopefully, my brief discourse on pain, poignancy and literal biblical “passion,” reveals Charlie Chaplin’s paradoxical truth about the relationship between comedy and tragedy: The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our hopelessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy.

In fact, for me it is the tension between such performance artist concepts of “comic and tragic,” “poignant and playful” that ultimately fires vital – head-, heart- and soul-driven – (as opposed to rigid, obsessive, or megalomaniacal) passion. And when trying to capture or inspire, poignancy and passion are powerful soul mates. As Francois La Rouchefoucald, the 17th century French classical writer, observed (quoted in Kay Redfield Jamison’s Exuberance: The Passion For Life, Random House, 2004), “Passions are the only orators which always persuade. They are like an act of nature, the rules of which are infallible; and the simplest man who has some passion persuades better than the most eloquent who has none.” Jamison, meanwhile, underscores a dynamic commander’s ability to use passion to connect to a people’s suffering, to unite a divided or dispirited group, organization or nation: “In times of adversity, inspired leadership offers energy and hope where little or none exist, gives a belief in the future to those who have lost it, and provides a unifying spirit to a splintered populace.”

Or to quote a salesman’s more pedestrian motto: “Logic tells and passion sells.” And I believe lower case “poignant-passion-play” compels. Remember, people are more open to a serious message when it’s gift-wrapped with humor.

Playful. A dictionary definition of “playful” likely conforms to popular understanding: “fond of having fun and playing games with others; said or done in a teasing way or in fun”; as would synonyms such as “good-humored, light-hearted, good-natured, mischievous and lively.” However, I hadn’t realized how many common expressions begin with or involve the word “play” once you take the term out of its dictionary box. Nor could I imagine how the varieties of expressions with their different connotations speak to the skills and strategies of the versatile leader and performer. Consider these examples: “play upon” (words or another’s emotions), “plays a role” or “role-play,” and “play it by ear” (that is, having a capacity for improvisation or, for example, by truly listening to collective needs and interests as your project or program unfolds). While a dynamic leader, artist or educator wants to give “full play” to his or her mind and emotions, a savvy leader, often knowingly and for strategic advantage, will “play the fool.” I especially like this usage – “play a trick on.” Based on my experience, being “mischievous” or a tad “devilish” – two of Roget’s synonyms for “playful” – can be very engaging qualities. Many people embrace or long to act out their impish, slightly naughty or roguish inner child (e.g., think adult Halloween costumes). Or admire or envy, if only secretly, those who do. And finally, a personal favorite, the “play of light and shadow” definitely reflects my double-edged nature and on the edge, ever-changing world filled and fraught with both mirth and melancholy along with uncertain shadings and shadows.

More than just being a light-hearted pursuit, play has been one of the greatest enterprises for exploring, socializing, bonding and unifying throughout the evolutionary history of the animal kingdom. Play has many functions:
a) gives individuals an opportunity to learn group norms and boundaries,
b) allows for innovatively expanding and challenging roles, rules and procedures,
c) encourages skill development, the exercise of the imagination, and the forging of unexpected – paradoxical as well as analogical – cognitive contrasts and connections; as the great American humorist, Mark Twain, playfully yet perceptively observed: “Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.” (So opposites may well attract; how well and for how long…and whether there will be any brainchildren, now that’s another matter.) When it comes to double-edged wit, there’s often a fine line (and letter) between wordplay and swordplay ;-),
d) may be a learning laboratory for maturation and creativity in the realms of work, friendship and love,
e) frequently builds a sense of individual and group identity and short- and long-term camaraderie as well as fostering trust and teamwork, and
f) play infused with laughter is an especially effective stress reliever and social harmonizer. As Dr. David Fry, noted humorist scholar, observed: Laughing with gusto is like turning your body into a big vibrator, giving vital organs a brief but hardy internal massage!

Of course, play can also turn into an aggressive “winner takes all” or “win at any cost” pursuit or obsession (think steroid use in a variety of athletic arenas). Now the “playground” starts morphing into a “battleground.”

A “Poignant-Passion-Play” leader has a sense of play that doesn’t lose sight of her and other’s humanity. She has a compassionate understanding of perplexing and incongruous human nature and of our being all too imperfect and inconsistent creatures. And a sense of absurdity that comes out to play and laugh even in the face of pain, stress or danger can help people accept flaws and foibles while affirming both their vulnerable and vital natures. Playful surprise may even gently cajole others to move beyond an abc – “assumptions, blinders and conventions” – comfort zone, and bridge differences while exploring common emotional-cultural connections. As psychiatrist Ernst Kris noted, “What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at.” And as the Stress Doc inverted, “What was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!”

And Part II defines and explores the final three letters of ASPIRE2 – “I = Imagery and Irony, R = Rhythm and Rhyme, and E = Expressive and Excellence.” Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA and Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Practicing Safe Stress for the Holidays: "Fast Food for Thought" from the Stress Doc ™

2009-12-15T15:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a blast. It only lasted ten-minutes but the ebb and flow of the audience’s riveted attention and hearty laughter produced a slow to fade afterglow. I did some serious shtick on “Practicing Safe Stress for the Holidays” at a holiday gathering for members of Federally Employed Women (FEW)/Metro Washington Region. Consider this some holiday “fast food for thought” from the Stress Doc. Hopefully you will find these morsels quick and easy to consume, tasty and nutritious. The menu lineup:

A. Stress Doc’s Classic Holiday Joke and Poetic Proverbs
B. Holiday Stress Smoke Signals
C. Burnout Spiral and The Vital Lesson of the Four “R”s
D. The Six Strategic “F”s for Mastering Loss and Change
E. Closing “Shrink Rap” ™

Enjoy!
-------------------------

Practicing Safe Stress for the Holidays: Some Serious Shtick or "Fast Food for Thought"

A. Stress Doc’s Classic Holiday Joke and Poetic Proverb

While many associate the holidays with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and its theme of gaining and sharing the holiday spirit, the opening lines from A Tale of Two Cities may have even more relevance:It was the best of times, it was the worst of timeIt was the season of light, it was the season of darkness...It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.Like Dickens, I too have tried to capture the complexity of the holidays; if not through a great novel, then with my one classic holiday joke. To help you negotiate some of that holiday pressure, consider this distinction between "Holiday Blues" and "Holiday Stress." Now holiday blues is the feeling of loss or sadness that you have over the holidays when, for whatever reason, you can't be with those people who have been or are special and significant. And holiday stress...is when you have to be with some of those people!

So here are two “poetic proverbs” for survival:

You may think I’m at a loss without having you as boss
Still, when it’s just me, not us or you
Please, don’t tell me what to do!

Do ask or suggest; maybe better…let it rest!

And a “pp” with a humorous edge:

Tenaci-Tea for Two: The Narcissist’s Version

You for me and me for me.
Oh how nurturing you will be.
Forget “to be or not to be”
Just simply think of Me, Me Me!

B. Holiday Stress Smoke Signals

How do you know when you’re experiencing “holiday stress smoke signals?” Drawing on my “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” Exercise, how do your Brain, Body and Behavior tell you when you’re under more stress or are more tense than usual?

Snappy, impatient, rise in blood pressure, increased smoking or drinking, mind-racing or in a fog, etc., etc. These are some of the common responses to the above question. Here are three of my favorites. Notice how the first two are double-edged:
1) Sleep Disturbance – “Some mornings, anyone ever feels like just not getting out of bed? Then, aren’t there folks who know all the best buys on Ebay or Home Shopping Network at three in the morning?”
2) Eating Disturbance – “Anyone eat a little more under stress to numb those gnawing anxious feelings?” Many hands quickly go up. “Anyone lose their appetite or eat less when feeling stressed?” A few hands flutter. My immediate response: “And we hate those people, don’t we?”
3) TMJ – “Does anyone have problems with muscle tension, back or neck pain? What about a clenched jaw or TMJ? We know what TMJ really stands for, don’t we…Too Many Jerks!

C. Burnout Spiral and The Vital Lesson of the Four “R”s

And stress unchecked can spiral…into a state of burnout. In fact, I call burnout the “erosive spiral”: Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, confusion, a feeling of being drained having nothing more to give. Doesn’t sound like fun!

How to stop this vicious cycle? Grapple with “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go”, that is, you can’t step back and get a new perspective; there’s only one right person, position, or possible outcome because in your mind you’ve invested so much time, money, and ego…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness, and despair!

How to let go?…See right below.

D. The Six Strategic “F”s for Mastering Loss and Change

In today’s uncertain economic and career climate, the ability to grapple effectively with unemployment, a downsized budget or family lifestyle, to handle the uncertainty of a company reorganization, or flexibly adapt to working in new departments or with new work teams is vital. However, positively engaging with loss and change requires more than just “sucking it up.” Try mastering the Stress Doc’s Six “F”s of Loss and Change; turn potential danger into personal and professional opportunity:

1) Familiar. Grapple with the anxiety, rage, hopelessness or sadness in letting go of the familiar role or predictable past. The big question: Who am I? This role or relationship has been such a big part of my identity. Remember, sometimes your former niche of success now has you mostly stuck in the ditch of excess. There's a critical crossroad ahead,

2) Future. Clearly the horizon appears cloudy and threatening, lacking direction and clarity. What will be expected of me? Who will I now have to report to or work with? Just because your past or traditional roles and responsibilities may be receding doesn't mean you can't transfer your experience and skills into new challenging arenas,

3) Face. Some loss of self-esteem and self-worth is all too common, especially when our life puzzle has been broken up other than by one's own hand. Would this scenario be unsettling: "Two months ago you gave our department a great performance review? Now you’re cutting our budget in a major way, and no one knows if there will be layoffs." Shame and guilt, rage and diminished confidence are frequent early traveling partners on an uncertain and profound transitional journey,

4) Focus. Major change can be scary. Underlying feelings may include rage, helplessness, hopelessness and humiliation. Sometimes we need a little rage to break through chains of mind-body-behavior paralysis. Of course, rage needs to be tempered. Remember, more people shoot themselves in the foot than go postal! (And, let me say, as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant with the US Postal Service, I know “Going Postal.”) The challenge is to grapple with this array of powerful feelings, if need be, with personal or professional support. You want to temper the rage by having the courage to embrace those vulnerable emotions; this leads to a productive, yin-yang state of focused anger. You can’t just willpower your way through this emotional quicksand or burnout spiral.
Remember,
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

If you can honestly grapple and grieve the first three "F"s, then you are engaged in a productive brooding and refocusing aggression process. Maybe I am ready to knock on if not knock down doors again. At minimum, you will affirm, "I may not like the cards that have been dealt, but how do I make the best of my reality right now." And you'll likely start hatching a new perspective with, if not crystal clear targets, then an intuitive, crystal ball-like enlightenment. Suddenly this Stress Doc mantra starts resonating: "I don't know where I'm going...I just think I know how to get there!"

5) Feedback. Throughout this process, but especially now, getting solid feedback is crucial. It’s not easy getting clear, clean, and honest feedback: many don’t really have a clue how to give it. Or people are fearful you won’t know how to handle it. You have to work hard to find someone who will give you the Stress Doc’s version of TLC: "Tender Loving Criticism" and "Tough Loving Care." You need a “stress buddy” to help sort out the wheat from the chaff. Before you blow up in a supervisor’s office check in with your buddy and ask, “Am I seeing this situation objectively or not? What’s my part in this problem?” In times of rapid or daunting change, trustworthy feedback helps us remember who we are; that our basic, core self remains intact despite being shaken by unsettling forces.

6) Faith. Having the courage to grapple with these "F"s now yields a strength to understand what in your present life rests in your control and what lies beyond. Of course, there’s always an unpredictable element or moment in major transition. Life is not a straight line progression. However, by doing your “head work, heart work and homework,” you are in a much stronger personal and professional position. You are building cognitive and emotional muscles; you can have faith in a growing ability to handle whatever will be thrown at you. Going through this process means you are evolving the psychological capacity for dealing with ambiguous and unpredictable twists and turns on life’s journey. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

And how do we transform mystical maturation into everyday evolution? Consider the prescient words of the great scientific/polio pioneer, Dr. Jonas Salk: Evolution is about getting one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than you are fearful; and trusting just one more time than you are anxious.

E. Closing “Shrink Rap” ™

I close by putting on my Blues Brothers hat and black sunglasses and taking out a black tambourine, thereby revealing a secret identity: "I'm pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music and as a therapist calling it, of course, 'Shrink Rap' ™ Productions." Predictably, there's an audible groan from the audience. And my response: "Groan now. We'll see who has the last groan." (However, in my defense, years back, an African American friend upon hearing the lyrics said, "Oh, so you're into 'Aristocratic Rap.'")I then explain that this is my Charlie Chaplin Maneuver. ("Alas, after I'm through you may need the Heimlich Maneuver.") The pioneering comedic film genius observed that, The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy. Naturally, I note that what the audience is "about to see and hear will give new meaning to the word 'tragic.' And as for not going 'crazy,' it's way too late for that. So buckle up your straightjackets…It's the 'Stress Doc's Stress Rap.'" And not only am I belting out the words but I'm prancing around the room while banging on the tambourine.

The Stress Doc's Stress Rap

When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped.
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette.

So you give up sleep, become wired and spent
Escape lonely frustration as a mall-content.
It's time to look at your style of stress.
You can't just dress or undress for success.

Are you grouchy with colleagues or quietly mean?
Hell, you'd rather talk to your computer machine.
When the telephone rings, you're under the gun
Now you could reach out and really crush someone.

The boss makes demands yet gives little control
So you prey on chocolate and wish life were dull, but
Office desk's a mess, often skipping meals
Inside your car looks like a pocketbook on wheels.

Those deadlines, deadlines...all that aggravation
Whew, you only have time for procrastination.
Now I made you feel guilty, you want to confess
Better you should practice the art of "Safe Stress."

(c) Mark Gorkin 1992
Shrink Rap Productions

At the onset of my "performance," people seem embarrassed for me; some are just sitting there wide-eyed with their mouths agape. (Clearly I'm perpetuating a stereotype, notwithstanding Elvis Presley, John Travolta and Justin Timberlake: the rhythmically-challenged status of the white male!) However, my bravery if not my witticisms win them over. Often the group begins clapping their hands to my self-styled beat. Once the lyrics are completed the room erupts in applause. After waving off the feedback, my immediate response: "I've been doing this long enough…I know when an audience is applauding out of relief!" And then, "All this shows after twenty years off and on of all kinds of therapy -- from Jungian analysis to primal scream -- I have one singular accomplishment. Just one: Absolutely no appropriate sense of shame!"

Finally, as the laughter subsides, a woman in the audience ventures a comment, likely on other's minds: "Don't quit your day job!"

And my rejoinder is fairly predictable: "It's too late…This is my day job!"

Hey, I'm just fulfilling my destiny: "Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire!" Obviously, my goal in life: "Being both a wise man and a wise guy!" And hopefully, my attempt at mixing wit and wisdom will help one and all...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 13th Expeditionary Support Command and the 15th Sustainment Brigade, Ft. Hood, Texas and the 3rd Chemical Brigade, Fort Leonard Wood, MO. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Dangers of Being Too “Positive” in a Team Building Process: Or Don’t Just “Have a Nice Day!”

2009-12-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

“You’re being negative!” Recently I led a team building workshop, and that was a federal government Division Director’s reply to my questioning, “Why the ‘Front Office’ meeting had not been working?” Preceding my operational assessment a number of people noted:
a) that for several months people were not bringing relevant agenda issues to the meeting and
b) the overall lack of meaningful discussion, especially regarding communication and coordination issues of concern to all staff. Now taking his challenge one step further the Director said, “If you are saying the Front Office meeting is not functional, are you implying that we are dysfunctional?” The Director then proceeded to say how much he respected the talents, hard work and commitment of all his staff. (I suspect this “negative” labeling generated some dissonance for participants as shortly before I had enthusiastically noted the positive energy and lively discussion generated by an exercise, illustrated below.)

My last word, as the Director had to rush out to another meeting, was, “Perhaps we can hold both possibilities, that is, the staff is, in fact, a talented and committed group and that team communication and coordination can also be strengthened…we can improve the communication bridges.”

Actually, setting the stage for this confrontation was first a fun and thought-provoking icebreaker followed by a small and large group conflict resolution exercise. Divided into teams of four, each group identified and attempted to problem-solve an issue related to “Communication Breakdown,” and then reported back to the entire audience for further exchange. The lively and passionate discussion in both settings certainly belied the notion that there weren’t pressing issues on people’s minds. (The exercise does have a somewhat provocative wording – “Communication Breakdown.” However, I see the existence of some breakdown or barriers to communication as a natural part of doing business in a bureaucracy, actually, as a seemingly inevitable byproduct of almost any group-organizational communication process, not an indictment of management, employees or the operational system. Perhaps I will add this message to future exercise instructions. The phrase is used in my workshops because it’s an effective trigger; everyone seems able to provide an example of or an experience related to “message sent is not message received.”)

For this article, I’d like to examine two issues: a) the dynamic nature and appropriateness – upside and downside – of the Director’s specific confrontation and b) the larger issue of the upside and downside of viewing communication in an “all or none” or “positive vs. negative” manner, especially within a team building–organizational openness context. Here are “Two Confrontation-Communication Keys”:

1. Confrontational Dynamics. In hindsight there was some validity to the Director’s comments. If I had the chance to do it again, instead of asking, “Why the ‘Front Office’ meeting had not been working?” I would have said, “What might be contributing to the reduced agenda development and problem solving communication?” In other words, I would have been more specific, descriptive and objective in my wording; let’s call it avoiding a “half empty” approach to giving feedback. This really isn’t a trivial issue. For example, consider this confrontational sequence:
“What’s your problem?”
“What’s the problem?”
Can you give me some specifics?
“How can I be of help?

Clearly the sequence starts off more confrontational and judgmental and evolves into a less contentious more objective and cooperative style. “How can I be of help?” is less likely to feed the defensiveness fire.

On the Other Hand

However, the Director’s confrontation was not especially clear or clean. He took my “why is it not working” question and definitely gave the phrase (as well as my motives) more negative spin than intended or warranted. What was his motivation, conscious or otherwise? Consider some possibilities:
a) the Director was surprised to learn of the number and intensity of staff concerns; a half-full approach might say he was simply misinformed while a half-empty approach might question whether he really wanted to hear “bad news,”
b) that the Director felt challenged as a leader by my ability to fairly quickly elicit the identification of real operational issues and the facilitation of give-and-take discussion and an active problem-solving climate, and
c) by giving me a “negative” label the Director could more readily cast himself in a “positive leader” light.

Apropos of this analysis, many people afterwards expressed surprise by the Director’s reactions to my comments. And finally, I did write a tactful follow-up letter to the Director, outlining how I would have rephrased my question and focused on “strengthening communication bridges.” I also suggested that for the benefit of the division we might want to meet and discuss our different philosophy and approaches to team building communication. I’m awaiting his reply.

2. Staying Positive vs. Being Negative. Clearly, as a communicator being “positive” is often a virtue. In fact, consider these “Advantages of a “positive” perspective in a motivational, problem-solving and team building context”:
a) Work with Strengths – focusing on strengths tends to be a more effective motivator; as Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman noted in First Break All the Rules: What the Greatest Managers Do Differently, it’s easier to get people to build on their talents than to try to fill in the gaps or compensate for what’s not there,
b) Reduce Defensiveness – clearly, a “positive” approach elicits less defensiveness; certainly balancing criticism with some positives makes the medicine easier to take; considering how feedback processes often play out though, not surprisingly for many people “constructive criticism” often is an oxymoron, and
c) More Efficient and Focused – my early training in psychotherapy was in “Crisis Intervention and Brief Treatment.” Most clients were not expected to dredge up or dwell upon past painful or “negative” memories, but were encouraged to achieve a clearer, more objective cognitive and emotional understanding of one or two pressing problem areas. It was called a person-situation assessment. (The benefit of working with people or teams in crisis is that the crisis state not only focuses people’s attention on the present issues but crises naturally surface those painful, seemingly “negative,” often unresolved emotional issues. Heartfelt tears of grieving actually help cleanse old wounds. This grieving process, embracing the “negative,” eventually frees up problem-solving energy for working intentionally in the present.) Then together we would rapidly design behavioral/task-oriented skills and “positive” strategies (taking into account the client’s strengths and resources) for engaging the critical issues that the client wanted to work on. Staying focused on the present, tapping into a sense of urgency, allowing the client to lean on me psychically for support during this vulnerable period, the goal was to achieve some meaningful problem solving within a six week period, as one to six weeks is the typical life of a crisis state. Beyond six weeks some level of post-crisis coping – adaptive or not – will occur.

Some cultures have historically understood the double-edged nature of “crisis.” For example, Chinese iconography, eschewing “an all or none” perspective, reveals the dual aspect of crisis with two characters – one character depicts “danger,” the other “opportunity.” Most of us have learned firsthand an ironical truth: sometimes an issue posing danger or uncertainty, that is, a “negative” situation, is required for “positive” or novel problem solving to occur. As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

d) Create a Virtuous Cycle – while a uniformly negative approach can quickly spiral downward into pessimism or personal finger pointing and blame, by finding positive common ground, even among the most diverse groups, you likely will foster a sense of tolerance and empathy. One exercise that achieves this effect is having diverse groups, “Share an Embarrassing Moment.” Status differences quickly fade as everyone has a story; all can relate, reveal and empathize…and ultimately laugh together. By throwing in some spicy humor (a humor that allows folks to both poke some good natured fun at their own and others’ flaws and foibles; see the “Embarrassment Exercise”) you just may build a vibrant culture that will likely have: a) leaders becoming more down to earth, that is, individuals with whom most can relate and connect, b) group members positively feeding off each other’s differences as well as c) evolving team spirit building on palpable and mutual energy, enthusiasm and support. (Having lived in N’Awlins for sixteen years I call it a “gumbo” culture. All the varied ingredients contribute to a great stew.)

The Problems of Attributional Bias and of Being “Too Positive”

Of course, despite all the advantages of being “positive,” there’s no shortage of negative and judgmental commentary. Leaving aside personal predilections for the moment, why is it that finger pointing rarely goes out of fashion? In addition to people basically needing to get a life or to stop placing people on unrealistically high pedestals (e.g., Elliot Spitzer or Tiger Woods; we seem to enjoy tearing down our icons), I believe it has something to do with a social psychology construct called “misattribution.” Attribution theory primarily examines why and how a person makes judgments about other people’s motives and actions. Self-attribution also comes under its purview. We tend to make either a: a) personal attribution, that is, explaining someone’s motives or actions as reflecting something about their personality makeup or b) situational attribution, whereby the individual’s environment or external circumstances is seen to play a decisive role in assessing the individual’s motives and behavior.

Let me illustrate. If a relatively new colleague came to work late a couple of times there’s a tendency to start questioning his or her commitment, capacity for organization or scheduling, personal sloth, etc. In other words, you might make personal attributions. However, what if you had an unexpected run of lateness? What would be your self-attribution mechanism? I suspect you’d likely quickly note the effect of “Beltway traffic,” the weather, a child’s illness, daycare mishap, etc., etc. Clearly, these occurrences reflect situational attributions. And in this scenario, surely, the personal attributions have a more negative slant while situational attributions are more face-saving. Actually, the tendency to overplay personal attributions and overlook external factors with others is called “attributional bias.” Of course, a person also can excuse away his or her own actions by looking for external factors, thereby deemphasizing or denying personal responsibility. Conversely, one can over attribute success to personal qualities, minimizing how much support was received from other people or outside resources. Regarding this last point, there’s attributional research showing that those in power often underestimate the advantages bestowed when having access to inside or “early warning” information. That is, bosses tend to overestimate their own skills and knowledge while evaluating subordinates as less knowledgeable/less smart on a personal level. In reality, often the differential factor is “situational,” that is, whether one does or does not have access to relevant, often selectively filtered or guarded information.

The Perils of Being Too Positive

Now let’s return to our workshop scenario and the director’s confrontation. He seemed to be putting my actions and words in a personal/judgmental context -- “You’re being negative!” (There’s a classic blaming “You” message. And remember, consistently throwing around “acc-you-sations” and you may become a “blameaholic.”) But it wasn’t the critical or “misattribution” messages directed at me that was most problematic for a team building process. (Most people seemed to assess our respective communication intentions accurately.) Actually, most troublesome was his need to be absolutely “positive.” What really happens when the formal leader claims he wants honest feedback but his walk indicates he expects people to be positive, including downplaying signs of trouble? Again in a team context, consider these “Limits of 'all or none' positive thinking and communication”:
a) Stifles Openness and Honest Exchange – unless a person or group is ready to challenge a “one-sided” authority, after awhile trying to stay relentlessly positive when there are objectively problematic issues to discuss undermines if not wears down a spirit of genuine give and take; if it goes on long enough, groupthink or rubberstamp decision-making occurs. This reminds me of my “Law of the Loyalty Loop”: Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer. In addition, when an authority who doesn’t deal in “bad news” gives praise, his or her “positive feedback” can ring hollow,
b) People Tune Out – sometimes the most obvious impact of over-generalized positivism (or avoidance of thorny issues) is that people just tune out; as one participant noted, she simply stares out the window. People realize the leader doesn’t want to hear or engage with “any negative” or “bad news”; sometimes a lemon needs to be digested as a lemon (to fully understand its range of qualities and possible applications) before attempting to turn it into lemonade that isn’t saccharinely sweet,
c) Undermines a Sense of Trust – during my workshops, I use exercises that allow organizational members to, for example, discuss the sources of everyday workplace stress and conflict. (They also have to come up with group pictures depicting these stressors; the result is often hilarious and “out-RAGE-ous,” that is, we turn people’s frustrations, the “negatives” into fun, creative, team problem-solving energy and camaraderie.) At times I need to remind management that people are not being disrespectful. Actually, the great energy and team spirit quickly belies that notion. Most important, employees want to know that management understands the necessity and value of periodically blowing off steam, especially with folks that have walked in your shoes…and can feel your bunions. This need for sharing is especially critical when working under demanding/always on conditions. People want managers who are open to hearing and learning from the folks on the front lines. Once team members start working off this tension productively and evolve a greater consciousness of “we all are in this together,” now people start feeling reenergized and more “positive.” And invariably this workshop/playshop process strengthens a sense of trust between management and employees, and
d) Minimizes Complexity and Collaboration – understanding the complexities and subtleties of human nature or group dynamics rarely comes down to “all or none,” right or wrong,” “black or white” thinking and assessment. For example, usually some combination of personal and situational attributions is at play when it comes to understanding human dynamics or team motivations and actions. As I like to say, much of the time the proverbial glass is both “half empty” and “half full.”

Finally, when groups do their most creative problem-solving, diversity and difference are often the critical catalyst. That is, genuine collaboration requires identifying and synthesizing an array of real and often conflicting needs and anxieties, ideas and interests as well as pulling out hidden agendas. While this process can be tension-laden (e.g., “why are you being so negative?”) and take more time, the outcome typically reveals a more encompassing and sophisticated understanding of the problem. Collaborative engagement invariably yields more potent strategic options. In other words, everyone being quickly on the same “positive” page often fosters homogeneity and pseudo-harmony. Buy-in is usually superficial and under stress the “one big happy family” façade or “consensus” unravels quickly.

Closing Summary

Using a recent team building workshop as a case example, the benefits of being “positive” and “negative” were examined, along with the capacity for confrontation to foster clarity or confusion. In particular, how individuals attribute the motives or actions of others was scrutinized. Overemphasizing personal explanations while minimizing situational factors often yields “attributional bias.” Finally, the perils of being rigidly positive in a team building context were delineated. The dangers include diminished openness and honesty as well as groupthink. In addition, there’s likely to be a problem solving process having reduced member investment along with diminished cognitive-collaborative complexity. Learn to see the glass as “half empty” and “half full” – words to help us all stay real and to…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 13th Expeditionary Support Command and the 15th Sustainment Brigade, Ft. Hood, Texas and the 3rd Chemical Brigade, Fort Leonard Wood, MO. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.