A Renewed Search for Peace

Once again my obsessive nature kicked in as I saw opportunities to upgrade my recent poem, “The Search for Peace.”  Two recent experiences motivated the rethinking and rewriting:

a) I’ve been attending various 12-Step meetings, e.g., Emotions Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous, to help continue my grief work; that “sadder yet wiser” path of hard-earned wisdom.  Specifically, I find sharing with others and getting feedback from individuals after the formal meeting, as well as a hug or two with my tears flowing, is helping me emotionally let go.  I am gradually moving on from the loss of a partner and, especially, the loss of her young granddaughter.  Btw, my ex is a woman I’ve known with varying degrees of intimacy since 1970; the last ten years have been most intimate, involving part-time live-in relating, and

b) Reading Love Sense, by Dr. Sue Johnson, a 2013 book that compiles recent neurobiological data through the lens of MRI brain scans along with various animal studies and psychosocial experiments.  Love Sense illuminates the phenomenon of “love” and its emotional envelope, dynamics and impact across the age spectrum. The critical diagnostic differences among “secure, anxious, and avoidant” parenting, relationship, and personality styles are highlighted.  So too the pivotal role of safety and security in childhood upbringing and various social-cultural contexts.  A “good enough” secure interpersonal connection promotes stress resilience and overall mind-body well-being, even longevity.  Chronic tension in relations undermines the same.

And with an intimate partner, in terms of therapeutic, trust-building consequences, the renowned researcher, therapist, and author extols the imperative of honestly recognizing, (re)appraising, and expressing our emotions, especially our hidden and vulnerable ones.  One challenge, alas, is that these sensitive “hot buttons” are often covered up by implosive, passive-aggressive, condescending, or explosive expression.  For example, instead of reacting with anger outbursts or flashes of rage, or with smoldering silence, it’s more healthy to harness this aggression by articulating an underlying fear (of, for example, rejection or abandonment) or of an isolated, empty feeling, whether these subterranean emotions are situation induced or part of our psychic core.  This will lessen the likelihood of volcanic eruption (or bottled-up depression) and throwing (or insinuating) fuel on the relationship conflict fire.  Now able to hear your pain, a partner becomes less defensive; he or she may respond with greater understanding, perhaps even genuine empathy.  Hopefully, this does not include a pseudo-sympathetic, “Oh I know what you mean” or “I feel your pain” pronouncement.

Incidental (Yet Not Insignificant) Insight

Finally, an indirect indication that I am making some progress in my grieving-writing process, feeling a bit more at peace:  the latest poetic iteration had a short burst of humor.  This realization parallels an insight by, Dr. Ernst Kris, a long-standing psychoanalyst and student of humor.  Kris observed, What was once feared and is now mastered, is laughed at.  And my inversion:  What was once feared and is now laughed at, is no longer a master!

Still my long-term goal:  What was once feared and is now laughed with, likely becomes a mistress or lover!  ;-)

Enough with the background, book review, and postscript…I hope you enjoy the expanded poetic conception (see below).  Mark

~~~~~~~~~~~~

In honor of the season, I decided to share a few little somethings that you might enjoy.  If so inclined, feel free to share or republish:

1) Classic Holiday Joke

Most people have heard of "Holiday Blues" and "Holiday Stress."  Being psychologically-minded, I needed to distinguish the two.  Now holiday blues is the feeling of loss or sadness that you have over the holidays when, for whatever reason, you can't be with those people who have been or are special or significant.  And holiday stress...is when you have to be with some of those people! 
--------------

2) The Search for Peace

Interestingly, the search began by grappling with, in mantra-like fashion, the elusive relation between "forgive" and "forget" in the context of letting go of the end of a relationship, the loss of a partner and, especially, her little granddaughter.

However, over time, recognizing my necessary and still ongoing entanglement in the grief web, a realization dawned:  I had succinctly captured a hoped for end state; alas, unrealized was the sadder and wiser, still smoldering, still seeking detached desire, that is, the maddening yet liberating path of wisdom:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes

One must know the pain

To transform the fire to burning desire!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Search for Peace

(Or the Rise of a Philosophical Phoenix)

Prologue

Oh to be able

“To forgive and forget”…

All I can say is:

Not yet, oh not yet!

I may not forget; even less to forgive

So what shall I do?

Pray, hope, and believe

In the crawl from the cave…

To one's last dying grave:

Was a mission achieved?

Or a soul addressed?

How can a question be reborn as a quest?

Without all the guilt for leaving the nest?

Trials of tears, trails of sweat

Many off roads before I rest.

No end of tunnel light

Nor road-map for success.

It’s your dark night journey of the soul…

Without a GPS!

The only direction’s a love connection

With lost souls relearning right from left

And our sole task

But to humbly ask

For a hug…

A hug to heal a heart bereft.

Now empowered to grieve

To let go and conceive

The ultimate test...

My only reprieve, a refrain to believe:

I may not forget; even less to forgive

So what shall I do?

I WILL LIVE and LET LIVE!

(c)  Mark Gorkin   2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
----------------

3) Finally, my Classic Holiday Essay (which contains some "Shrink Rap" lyrics) pasted below in its entirety --

Practice Safe Stress for the Holidays:
The 4 "F"s of Holiday Friction

---------------

Closing Thoughts

As noted in a recent blog, last month's EAPA program was a big hit. (See testimonials below.)  If I can help you and your folks start the New Year off with a jolt of my serious and sassy, "Psychohumorist" energy and team synergy, please e-holler.

Employee Assistance Professionals Assn/Chesapeake-MetroDC, "Leading with Passion Power:  Inspiring with Courage, Clarity, and Creativity," half-day program

Nov 9, 2015

Mark

Heard some great feedback. Comment that resonated was that it was like a retreat for practitioners and the timing couldn't have been better! Sorry that I had a conflict but wanted to stop by and say hello, after such a long time!!!  Jim

Jim O'Hair
Coordinator, Employee and Family Assistance Program at Northrop Grumman Corp.
-----------

Nov 6, 2015

Hi Mark,

Thank you so much for the great training yesterday! I really enjoyed it and feel that everyone really liked having the interaction amongst our groups. It really helped us all learn more about each other which was nice.

I will surely keep you in mind for some upcoming events I am doing in the new year.

Have a great weekend!
Best,

Kate

Kate Black
Senior Marketing Coordinator
Maryland. Washington DC. Northern Virginia. Delaware
Cell 561.758.6272
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best wishes and good adventures,

Mark

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

Stress, Change & Leader Resilience Speaking, Coaching
Crisis & Critical Incident Intervention-Consultation
Burnout-Bullying/Conflict-Grief Counseling
Telephone--Skype-In-Person

301-875-2567 stressdoc@aol.com<>www.stressdoc.com
 
Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Practice Safe Stress for the Holidays:
The 4 "F"s of Holiday Friction

While many associate the holidays with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and its theme of gaining and sharing the holiday spirit, the opening lines from A Tale of Two Cities may have even more relevance:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of time
It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness...
It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

Like Dickens, I too have tried to capture the complexity of the holidays; if not through a great novel, then with my one classic holiday joke.  I realized with all this talk of pressure during the holidays, I needed to distinguish between "Holiday Blues" and "Holiday Stress."  Now holiday blues is the feeling of loss or sadness that you have over the holidays when, for whatever reason, you can't be with those people who have been or are special and significant.  And holiday stress...is when you have to be with some of those people!

Now here's some lighthearted, seasonal verse I wrote years ago for my radio feature, "Stress Brake."  It's called "Cruisin for a Bluesin":

The holidays may bring you down
And you just sing the blues.
To turn those soured tones around
Just play these "don'ts" and "dos."

When you're cruisin on the town
Don't charge away the blues.
If you card the credit crown
Your spouse may blow a fuse.

For fussy dad the streets you'll pound
To find the perfect muse.
He might as well be tied...and bound
He'll never change his views.

If you're alone, don't be house bound
Or cuddle up to booze.
Go ahead.  Drown a frown with tears
And folks who can amuse.

Why not try that choral sound
Spread some joyous news.
For when the voices do resound
Then notes you can abuse.

This year don't play the tragic clown
Be bold in how you choose.
You too can prance above the ground
Put on those dancing shoes.

So now we've come full circle round
More lines I must refuse.
Just know when love and friends abound
The blues have many hues.

(c) Shrink Rap Productions  1997

Despite this good advice, we know that when you are with some of those people (or if they are just in your head), real sparks can fly.  Here are "The Four 'F's of Holiday Friction:  Fantasies, Family, Food and Finances."

1.  Fantasies.  First, the idyllic image of the holidays portrayed by the media seems so out of touch with reality, it's enough to make you overload on eggnog (with or without the alcohol).

Another pressure is the internalized memories we carry around. I recall my friend Linda, a single parent at the time, berating herself because she couldn't keep up with the holidays - the cooking, the shopping, the house decorations, etc. - the way her mother had.  Of course, Linda's mom did not work outside the home.  I also recall Linda observing that, as a successful professional, she now has the money but lacks the time for the season.  Previously, when she wasn't working, she had plenty of time and no money:  The "Holiday Catch-22."

And, finally, this season turns most of us into sentimental jelly fish, just waiting to get entangled in the arms of that "true love."  Hey, I'm not saying that Mr. or Ms. Holiday Hopeful is as possible or as real as Santa Claus.  (My motto:  "I no longer count on nor discount any possibility.")  Just don't let childhood longings and memories and voices transform you into a frantic, salivating, love-crazed inner child.

The key to managing this friction:  gently embrace, don't cling, to magical memories.  Discover a blend of magical realism that helps you balance love, work and play in the present.

2.  Family.  There are so many permutations in families these days, it's got to get a bit confusing.  For separated families, a poignant question:  which parent (or grandparents) will we be with for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, for New Years?  I vividly remember an eight year old's lament:  "Why can't we just be one family again?"

Another common family issue is when a holiday gathering turns into a competitive arena for sibling rivalry, along with a desire for long-standing recognition and approval.  And if you find in these family therapy sessions, I mean holiday reunions, that you can't resist trying to change the attitude and behavior of the parent (sibling or child) that "makes you crazy," patterns which have resisted influence attempts for decades...maybe there's only one solution.  Have you thought about getting far out of town for the holidays? 

3.  Food.  The holidays turn most of us into bingeaholics.  Running helter skelter, not stopping for lunch, overdosing on the cookies and chocolate that a colleague has brought to work.  And discipline at a party is a contradiction in terms.  This caloric chaos is not surprising considering the biggest role model of the holidays looks like he hasn't met a single gram of fat in two hundred years that he doesn't love.  Hey, Santa Claus hasn't been doing his aerobic workouts either.  But wait...Appoint a designated nagger, who will gently remind you when you are overdoing it.  Don't chat hovering around the buffet table.  Take reasonable portions and move away.  Now replace food with some food for thought. 

And face it, no matter what you do, or don't do, you are likely to add some pounds on the holidays.  So go to the malls and walk briskly for thirty minutes before you start the shopping splurge.  You'll spend less and, probably, will eat less as well.

4.  Finances.  The holidays heighten our monetary consciousness -- from the end of the year financial and psychological accounting (did we meet our financial/family security and career goals?) to the never-ending list of holiday gifts.  And as the great Russian novelist, Doestoyevsky, noted:  "Consciousness is depression!" 

For the first issue, seek a budget counselor, a CPA, a career counselor or even a mental health specialist.  For the last, "just say no" to your child's "toy lust."  Give your child choices; explain why there are limits. Try this holiday mantra:  "Presence not just presents."  This season, invest time, not just money. 

For big families, be creative.  Divide up the gift list with other relatives.  You shouldn't have to buy something for everyone.  Making a gift definitely adds a personal touch.  And, finally, don't overlook a very important person.  Get a special gift for yourself.

So the holidays may be a stressful time; a time of feelings of loss and sadness.  But with a little higher power humor it also, can be a source of creative expression and sharing.  Here's my gift to you:

Double-Edged Depression

Waves of sadness
Raging river of fear
Whirlpooling madness
Till I disappear
Into the depths of primal pain
Then again...no pain, no gain.

Depression, depression
Is it chemistry or confession?
Depression, depression
Dark side of perfection!

Climbing icy spires
Dancing at the ledge
The phoenix only rises
On the jagged edge
In a world of highs and lows
Hey, the cosmos ebbs and flows.

Depression, depression
It's electrifried obsession
High flying depression
Exalted regression?

So I'm pumping iron
And Prozac, too
What else can
A real man do
In a life of muted dreams
How about a primal SCREAM?

Depression, depression
Even inner child rejection
Depression, depression
Hallelujah for creative expression!

(c)  Mark Gorkin   1994
Shrink Rap Productions

Just remember, for the holidays and beyond...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an keynote and kickoff speaker, "Motivational Humorist," a team building and organizational development consultant, and is America Online's "Online Psychohumorist" ™.  The author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger, the Doc's inspiring programs are always high energy, thought-provoking, interactive and FUN!  He is the opening speaker for the national conferences of Estrin Legal Education.  See his award winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- cited as a workplace resource by National Public Radio (NPR).  And to view web video highlights of a Stress Doc Keynote, go to http://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm .