Radio Podcast #4: CONFLICT! -- Content Synopsis & Conflict Poems

Agenda:

1)  Partnerships that Drive Performance:  Radio Podcast #4:  CONFLICT!

2)  Conflict Poems

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Partnerships that Dive Performance:  Radio Podcast #4:  CONFLICT!  You got a problem with that!

During our pre-show preparation, Emily, my co-host, challenged me to be more spontaneously interactive and engaged with her.  And she was right.  I think it resulted in our most animated and stimulating effort yet.

Any time listening link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ptdp
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Stress Doc Radio Blog:  Partnerships that Drive Performance!

Tuesday Nights 8:30pm EST

Jan 28, 2016

Wonderful, Mark! I have had a listen and like what I hear. I've promoted it on Orate's social media channels. Keep me updated on the developments of the communications speaking program. Best, Erin

Erin C. Reeve, Community Marketing Manager

ORATE Speakers Bureau

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Dueling yet collaborative mind-behavior-interaction strategy experts blur the lines of conventional wisdom in their quest to pull back the curtain on communication, creativity, and collaboration -- that is, on "Partnerships the Drive Performance."  And you can call-in:  646-564-9624.

Any time listening link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ptdp

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Program # 4 Synopsis

During our pre-show preparation, Emily, my co-host challenged me to be more spontaneously interactive and engaged with her.  And she was right.  I think it resulted in our most animated and stimulating effort yet.  And for a little lagniappe, after the radio blog, her husband was commenting about our growing repertoire of shows.  The word "repertoire" sounded slightly off-kilter, and suddenly I realized we had created a new word, a neologism:  we are developing a "web-ertoire."

Highlights of Show # 4 -- CONFLICT!

1.  Why are first associations to the word "conflict" often negative?  How many grew up in families where it really felt safe and secure having angry arguments or being in the middle of conflict?

2.  A discussion of the double-edged -- positive and negative, approach and avoidance -- nature of conflict; how conflict creates tension and dissension, yet also can focus attention, heighten motivation, generate imaginative problem-solving, and spur survival and creative collaboration.

3.  Emily's personal share around the initial sharp differences between her and her husband around "saving or spending money," and how they constructively negotiated their differences.

4.  We engaged in one of the Stress Doc's "power struggle exercise":  "You Can't Make Me"..."Oh, Yes I Can."  And while our increasingly charged banter was evolving from the playful to the more serious...it was our analysis of the exchange that really proved meaningful.

5.  We went back and forth discussing and illustrating the "Six "C"s of Power Struggles"; why is it so easy to fall into the power struggle trap.  The Six "C"s:  Control, Competition, Change, Cultural Diversity, Communication Skills, and Courage.  Once again the Stress Doc demonstrates why he is a charter member of the new AA group Acronyms Anonymous!

6.  The Murray Story captures how a grizzled salesman is challenged to work through his anger with the new, young, brash CEO (likely covering insecurity with an aggressive front), approach the young buck in a way that both men can save face, and even become an elder statesman in the company.

7.  We talked about the importance and steps for achieving consensus:  where everyone gives up a little for the common good.

8.  And finally, the real highlight was the spirited interplay between the Communication Strategist and the Stress Doc.

Enjoy.

Emily and Mark

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Conflict Poems

Crazy for “You”

“It’s all your fault”; “You drive me crazy!”

Sounds like an assault from a mind that is lazy.

Do not be shy, here’s one good reply –

Looking eye to eye…with tone a tad dry:

“Time after time, I know you have said it…

Alas, you still give me way too much credit.”

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Tea for Two:  The Narcissist’s Version

You for me and me for me

Oh how nurturing you will be

Forget “to be or not to be”…

Just simply think of Me, Me, Me!

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Losing It…Resting It

You may think I’m at a loss

Not having you as a boss.

But when it’s just me

Not us or you…

Please, do not tell me what to do.

Even when you “know what’s best”

(Though never quite put to the test)

Let me flounder; wait...still better

A request:  Geez, Louise…Just let it rest!

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I had started working on a poem, seemingly about hostile communication, but didn’t get very far.  Perhaps the first four lines.  So I let it go.  Recently, while trying to track down other poems on conflict, I came across these lonely, forgotten words.  Now I had a person in mind; and the further I progressed with the lyrics, additional tense encounters with other “stress carriers” flooded my mindscape.  And the common characteristic:  people who didn’t deal with conflict straight on or with a genuine give-and-take quality.  Their pattern was to hit and run, subtly ridicule and walk away, or snake bite and tune out or block.  As the lines progressed, as I captured this toxic, passive-aggressive pattern, as the poem was gaining greater definition…a new self-recognition appeared on the mental horizon.  I too was feeling more defined and solid; the memories of these encounters did not leave me feeling wounded or agitated, plotting revenge.  I was puzzling out and declaring a poetic measure of personal evolution; letting go of some of the darkness and letting in pristine light.

The Double-Edged Curse of Conflict-Averse

You’re so in control

Above the fray.

Cutting wit – saber cool

What dare I say?

Of course, you don’t let emotions

Get in the way.

Hey, you’re no fool…

When it comes to survival:

The head trumps the heart –

The DarthVinian rule!

And when there’s contention

You know your part:

Just shoot a dart!

That kills discussion

Before it can start.

Oh to react:  “Please…Make my day!”

But “how could s/he?” toxic shock

Mutes any smart play.

To be a smooth "black or white" rock

No...I drift in shades of gray.

With a Cheshire sneer

Poof…you disappear.

But one day we’ll learn

Waiting on your return

For better and worse

When a “Lady or Master of the Universe”

Is so discord-averse

Yet not disinclined

To mess with your mind –

Hiding lethal claws

In a self-righteous cause

While a “please be so kind”

Becomes a legal clause.

Before I start to churn

Let us give pause…

There now dawns a new day

No need to beg and pray

No false self to betray.

For with vision and verse

Let me be terse:

You can’t touch my core

Like you did once before.

So whatever you choose

For me, there’s nothing to lose…

I’ve stopped keeping score

And won’t sing those old blues

As I finally, yes really

Show you the door!

** A Stress Doc neologism:  a callous, perverted mix of Darth Vader and Social Darwinism

©  Mark Gorkin  2016

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a former psychotherapist and Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the U.S. Postal Service.  Mark is a Trauma Debriefing and Critical Incident Consultant for variety of organizations, including the national post-earthquake, Nepali Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative. He has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for US Army Senior Officers and Sergeants. The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap ™.  His latest, soon to be published book, Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh, and Love.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.

Generating a New WWW: The Wild & Wired Webinar – Part I

Ever wonder why webinar presentations can be so uneven?  Some are engaging while others, well…”At least I can get some work done.”  Assuming the technology is “good enough,” how can the content design and delivery increase the likelihood that it’s a “3 ‘M’” webinar experience – meaningful, motivational, and memorable?

Consider some feedback from a recent one-hour "Leading with Passion Power:  Inspiring Others with Courage, Clarity & Creativity" webinar for Sovereign Health Group/Treatment Centers.  HQ’d in San Clemente, participants were coast-to-coast.

Subject:  Great talk! Love your authenticity!
Date:  1/20/2016
From:  hugdoc@gmail.com

Dear Stress Doc,

Just want you to know how much I enjoyed your lecture today.  You made many great points and I will keep you in mind if anyone asks me about someone to have come and speak!

Deborah McMahon
Hugs from The Hug Doctor

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We are continuously receiving mails of appreciation from the audience.  People are excited to watch your presentation on our website.  We also received lots of appreciation messages and questions during the presentation.  However, keeping in mind the time frame, we were not able to ask you all the questions.

Shruti Vashisht
Sovereign Webinar Team

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How do you project “authenticity” when folks can’t look into the windows of your soul?  As a presenter, how do you create “excitement” when you cannot see your audience, you cannot reach out and literally touch someone.  And the way the webcast was structured, the tech support person could only read the Qs in the last ten minutes of the program.  How do you generate an overflow of questions?  Participants clearly wanted to hear and learn more.

And perhaps that last sentence is key:  With audience numbers approaching 100, how do you turn passive, solitary listeners (if you’re fortunate) into engaged and enquiring participants?

Top Ten Webinar Engagement Tips and Techniques (plus a little lagniappe):

1.  Ask a Brief Number of Concise and Powerful Questions.  After reviewing the key program objectives, I announced that the essence of the program can be captured by three questions:

1) Are you courageously developing and passionately projecting your unique energy and experience, strengths and skills?

2) Are you truly “being heard or are you just making noise?”

3) Are you developing collaborative, mutually productive, and innovative partnerships?

It’s hard to be unresponsive when someone’s grabbing at your head- and heartstrings.

2.  Start with an Identifiable, Playful-Edgy Opening.  A light repartee that speaks your audience’s language is an effective and “Emotionally Intelligent” way to quickly get or sustain attention.  As these were employees or affiliates of substance abuse treatment centers, the soon to be delivered punchline was particularly apt.  After announcing that “my goal is to help an audience become more FIT – by making the presentation FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking – and sharing my Triple ‘A’ Method – “to help folks grapple with anxiety, act out a little aggression, and engage life’s ‘slings and arrows’ with playful yet purposeful absurdity”…I then add:  “FIT, Triple ‘A’….you already know something about me: that I’ve been living in the DC area way too long.  I’m convinced if you’ve been in the DC area for a year or have to deal regularly with government regulations, you should be mandated to a 12-Step AA Group – Acronyms Anonymous!”

In addition, I lay down another challenge while also skewering an all too recognizable target.  Letting folks know that, “this program won’t be all fun and games…I can be tough.  During a resilience workshop, I recall a somewhat pompous State Dept. Manager less asking, more declaring, ‘what do you call if you don’t have any stress!?’  My immediate reply, Denial,” never fails to generate some appreciative laughter.

3.  Do an Abrupt 180.  Now to be truly surprising, to once again grab people’s attention, as well as to keep them in a state of “what’s coming next?” anticipation, throw the group a major curve.  One preferred method: to suddenly close down the opening banter and ask, “What do think of this guy up here, so far, just after five minutes, even without visuals?”  No one expects this maneuver.  As it was a “muted” webinar, I supplied possible answers, including both positives and negatives, such as “you enjoy your work,” “you like to talk about yourself (or, even better, have others talking about you”), and that “I need to be center stage.”  (Once an audience member somewhat derisively predicted I would talk about my deprived childhood. ;-)  I must confess, there are times when I do like being the focus of attention.  Naturally, I remind the group of the old adage:  Vanity thy name is Gorkin!  People appreciate when a leader does not take himself so seriously; can poke fun at him- or herself.

Especially in a webinar, I want people absorbed in the message along with my animated verbal style and tone.  As Marshall McLuhan noted, radio is a “hot” medium; it embraces intensity and meaningful possibility.  I want speaker-audience interaction that stimulates compelling mental images.  I want folks entertaining my supposition that people are already sensing this webcast “energy” and “passion.”

Yes, there is method to my message and media madness…With a series of personal questions, I’m about to plug energy and ideas into their heads and hearts.

4.  Speak to and Engage an Audience’s Head and Heart.  And the spark comes from my paraphrasing key questions off a Power Point Slide:

a) when and where, that is, in what circumstances, do you have your best energy (apart from the bedroom; this is a PG presentation?),

b) what internal or external factors encourage “out of the box” or “head and heart flow?”,

c) what factors impede this flow, that is, shut down your creative juices?, and

d) what’s the connection between purpose, passion, and pain?

I then highlight specific dynamics that impede focus and flow, which drain energy and feed procrastination – such as rigid perfection, not embracing the learning value of error and “failure,” avoidance, when it comes to protecting your “time and space,” an inability to say “No,” not knowing how to start slow or small, 11^th hour arrogance, etc.  I succinctly capture issues and interventions with which all can relate.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com for more information on “Emancipation Procrastination” and other performance enhancing techniques.)

5.  Use Bullet Point Acronyms, Aphorisms and Analogies.  In addition to those “big questions,” some other laser techniques and pointers keep speaker and audience on the same screen:

a. Acronyms:  As alluded to above, I shared some of my PANIC acronym for overcoming “procrastination” – “Perfection, “(Overcoming) Avoidance,” “No & Negotiate,” “Initiation,” and “Compartmentalization.”  Another favorite is “Confronting Your Intimate FOE:  Fear of Exposure!”  The value of acronyms is clear:  they capture key points in a concise and meaningful as well as memorable fashion.  Or they can have a surprising, insightful, and/or humorous impact, such as FOE or, in a stress workshop, the real meaning of the stress signal, TMJ:  Too Many Jerks!

b. Aphorisms:  I like providing pity and poetic passages that touch and challenge people in deep places and spaces.  For example, my burnout prevention mantra – “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”:  If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition, and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t let go (because you’ve invested so much time, identity money, and energy-ego – TIME), trouble awaits.  The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness, and despair!  (I told you I am the founder of Acronyms Anonymous.)

c. Analogies:  And a final rhythmic, prose-poetic, highly visual, Phoenix-like metaphor on the awesome “nature” of generative grief:  Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning.  The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time.  In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

Closing Summary

Part I has outlined five of the Stress Doc’s Top Ten Webinar Engagement Tips and Techniques for insuring a more “Wild & Wired Webinar” experience.  These are:

1.  Ask a Brief Number of Concise and Powerful Questions

2.  Start with an Identifiable, Playful-Edgy Opening

3.  Do an Abrupt 180

4.  Speak to and Engage an Audience’s Head and Heart

5.  Use Bullet Point Acronyms, Aphorisms and Analogies

Part II will conclude with the final tips and techniques:

6.  Launch into Stories.  Lawyer Bob

7.  Be Out-Rage-ous!.

8.  Be a Role Model.

9.  Project Your Emotions into Almost Every Word.

10.  Provide a Mantra and a Model.

And a little lagniappe:

11.  Use a Posed Question for Last Personal Sharing.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a former psychotherapist and Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the U.S. Postal Service.  Mark is a Trauma Debriefing and Critical Incident Consultant for variety of organizations, including the national post-earthquake, Nepali Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative. He has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for US Army Senior Officers and Sergeants. The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap ™.  His latest, soon to be published book, Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh, and Love.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.

Launching A) Radio Show/Blog and B) New Book of Resiliency Poetry and Shrink Rap ™: Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss

Hi,

It’s been a creative busy week:  Launching A) Radio Show/Blog and B) New Book of Resiliency Poetry and Shrink Rap ™:  Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love

A)  Radio/Audio Blog

First, Emily Livelsberger, a Communications Strategist/Coach and I launched a radio show/audio blog this past week.  The inaugural program was on “Jumpstarting the New Year.”  We took a look at the “Dark side of resolutions: Procrastination.” The title of the radio show is "Partnerships that Drive Performance."

A pre-final edit show description:

Dueling yet collaborative mind-behavior-interaction strategy experts blur the lines of conventional wisdom in their quest to pull back the curtain on communication, creativity, and collaboration -- that is, on "Partnerships the Drive Performance."

Show #2 is tomorrow, Tues. night at 8:30; the topic is “Performance Anxiety – from the Boardroom to the Bedroom.”  (When Emily’s kids are snugly tucked in bed.  Her husband, Joel, is our studio engineer.)

Show link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ptdp

First Episode: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ptdp/2016/01/13/starting-fresh-jump-starting-your-new-year

In case you didn't catch us live, you can listen at your convenience:

FYI, the Stress Doc and the Communication Strategist have launched a radio show/audio blog.  Catch us tonight at 8:30 EST. Tune in and listen live, or check it out later at http://tobtr.com/s/8222797. Dial-ins welcome!  All feedback much appreciated.  Mark and Emily

Starting Fresh: Jump Starting Your New Year

B)  New Book

And here’s and Overview and Introduction to:

Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love

Through Resiliency Poetry and Shrink Rap ™

[Right after Table of Contents, see “Overview Benefits and Features”]

Table of Contents

I.    Overview of Benefits and Features                                                        2-4

II.   Introduction:  Why & How                                                                  4-10

III.  Fierce Longing

• Singular Man                                                          © 1994                                   11-13
• Cool Moon Cat                                                       © 1992                                   13-15
• The Electrifying Lady                                           © 1992                                   15-17
• The Love Trade                                                      © 1992                                   17-19
• Kindred Eyes                                                          © 1992                                   19-22
• Welfare Momma Lion                                            © 1992                                  22-24
• A Charlotte Trio                                                                                                          

Where Is Charlotte                                              © 2014                                   24-25

Charlotte, Charlotte, Near or Far                      © 2014                                        25

Charlotte Is the Bumper Jumper                        © 2014                                   25-26

• Again…Again                                                         © 2014                                   26-28
• Goodbye Little Charlotte                                      © 2015                                   28-30

IV.  Fiery Loss

• Grief Ghosts                                                 © 2013                                    30-31
• Grief to Rebirth: Three Poetic Passages              [dates unknown]                   31-33
• Who KNOWS War                                                 © 1998                                    33-35
• Gravity’s Edge                                                        © 1992                                    35-37
• Who’s Coming through the Door Again?             © 2015                                   37-39
• Soul Mate Surgery                                                  © 2015                                   39-42
• The Search for Peace                                              © 2015                                   42-45
• A Question of “Ageless Passion”                           © 2015                                   45-46

V.   Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love

• On the Ode to “Letting Go”                                  © 2015                                   46-48
• Cowardice or Choice:  From Vice to Voice         © 2014                                   48-49
• WHY’s  UP:  20 Questions                                    [date unknown]                    49-50
• A Mistake Is but an Error                                     © 2014                                   50-53
• UNDERage:  A Father’s Volcano                         © 2015                                   54-56
• The Alchemy of Miss P                                          © 2002                                   56-59
• Double-Edged Depression                                     © 1994                                   59-60
• The Paradoxical Dream and/or Delusion            © 2014                                    60-61
• Mountain Vision                                                     © 1992                                   61-65
• Are You a Commitment-Phobe?                           © 2016                                   65-68

VI.  Addendum:  Grief Journaling

• Growing Pains Intersection of Passion & Purpose, Prose & Poetry                    68
• A Seven Year Old’s Eulogy                                  © 1994                                    68-70
• A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man”                   © 2011                                   70-73

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I. Overview of Benefits and Features

A.  AI³ Poetry & Self-Discovery Platform:  Benefits

Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love is an AI³ Poetry & Self-Discovery Platform:  On this personal and shared mind, heart, and soul journey, interact with and discover AI³ Passion Power ™ through the collection’s:

Ø  Accessibility & Intensity

Ø  Analogy & Insight

Ø  Authenticity & Intimacy

In our TNT – Time-Numbers-Technology – Driven and Distracted Web-World, more than ever we need real time and space to transform pain and pressure into healing and hope, into learning and love; we need to embrace Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:

• Bathe in luminous lyrics, and humorous “Shrink Raps” – from dysfunction and dependence to the “Resiliency Poetry” of mindful and “out of mind” transcendence

• Encounter vivid and visual ideas and images, insightful and inspiring analogies and strategies for once again “letting go, laughing, and loving”

• Enjoy the paradoxical and ironical, mirthful musings and mental meanderings of the one-of-a-kind Stress Doc ™, “Shrink Rapper” ™, and “Psychohumorist” ™

• Appreciate the Stress Doc’s “New KISS” technique:  Keep It Short & Smart!

• Yet also recognize a dangerous “3-D” Worldview:  Denial, Delusion, and Dysfunction

• Be purposefully and provocatively aroused:  grapple with and consciously mute demeaning inner voices; work through meaningful relationship anger

• Internalize the difference between “feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your sorrow”

• Discover the psychological power and passion as well as compassion in and even “mystical fashion” of grieving and “letting go”

• Be motivated to embark on your own self-inventory and voyage of self-discovery

• Engage with the distinctive three-part structure of Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss – Creative Context, Poetic Piece, and Discussion Questions

• Each poem, rap, and lyric is snugly sandwiched between: 1) a mostly concise contextual essay highlighting the genesis or personal slant or significance of the verse and 2) head-and heart-provoking “Discussion Questions” to deepen, expand, and focus your “R & R” – Reading & Reflection – experience

• Use Resiliency Poetry & Shrink Rap ™ as a learning-discussion tool in a variety of classroom/learning settings as well as psychoeducational support, study, and book groups

If a picture is worth a thousand words then, by Gorkinian psycho-meta-metrics, a thought-inspiring, heart-jolting, or side-splitting metaphor or poetic visual is worth at least one hundred psychological perceptions, deep-seated projections, and untamed associations!

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B.  Dynamic Dozen:  A Sample of Features

Absorbing yourself in Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love is its own reward.  You will:

Ø  Savor the mind-provoking comparisons and compelling archetypal auras of powerful female-types (and some male projections) – as explored in Cool Moon Cats and Momma Lions, Kindred Eyes and The Electrifying Lady

Ø  Play hide-and-seek with a child while singing engaging words to the tune of “Frere Jacques” or serenade a child with a variation on “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”

Ø  Experience the rollercoaster of emotions as family life slides from the joyful to the dark and dysfunctional…yet with an enduring, albeit small, voice and spark of hope!

Ø  Encounter a little Moon-Boy’s poignantly elusive and daring search for his burnt-out Father-Sun and their ultimate dynamic-cosmic connection and destiny

Ø  Reflect on the exquisite beauty of inner child love and the excruciating pain and sadness when it is abruptly terminated

Ø  Achieve “good enough” yet affirming peace when you cannot “forgive and forget”

Ø  Witness the poignant psychological impact of war on soldiers, family, and friends

Ø  Ponder an inspiring ode to “Cowardice or Choice” and an “in your head and heart” poetic questionnaire on creative sensibility

Ø  Laugh at the outrageously double-edged, creative sides of depression

Ø  Discover the adventurous and risk-taking parallels between climbing a mountain and building an intimate relationship

Ø  Assess whether one can rest on an ironical “single and singular” laurel or is this more a defensive ploy and, perhaps, a “commitment-phobe” omen?

Ø  Explore “Grief Journaling” – The Growing Pains Intersection of Passion & Purpose, Prose & Poetry – to work through pain, anger, and loss…and to keep the inner-eternal soul flame alive!

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Fevered Longing & Fiery Loss: Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love

The holiday season magnetically draws memories and images of family or former relations – past and present, joyful and painful – to consciousness.  Not being with my ex for the first time in ten years heightens the poignancy of the moment.  Perhaps a glutton for punishment, I’m presently working on a new book about my experience with “love, longing, and lust” (not necessarily in that order)…and what I understand of emotional death and rebirth.  The title of the new tome:

Fevered Longing & Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love

Through Resiliency Poetry and Shrink Raps ™

Based on the title, the book will have three segments:

I.   Fevered Longing

II.  Fiery Loss

III. Relearning to Let Go, Laugh, & Love.

Also, each piece is sandwiched between an introduction of the poem’s origin or contextual background and “Discussion Questions.”

Here’s a Part 1. selection with substantial family context.  Enjoy.  Best holiday wishes and good adventures.  Mark

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Kindred Eyes

This poignant lyric captures three types of connections with the significant women in my life:  my grandmother (secure-warm), mother (intimidating-masked), and the ever elusive “soul mate” (fantasy-fevered).  I can’t recall what made me decide to examine these human-emotional links through the metaphoric lens of the eyes.  Perhaps I was seeking that proverbial “window to the soul” – their souls and mine!

As an aside, my grandmother died when I was thirteen; I was at sleepaway camp and my mother decided not to tell me of my grandmother’s death until I got home.  (I wish she had taken me out of camp as I was quite depressed and ashamed from being frequently teased and taunted by several peers.  I was a wounded animal; fellow “Boy Scouts,” especially those who knew me from home, could smell blood.)  Naturally, I didn’t attend my grandmother’s funeral.  I don’t recall anyone helping me talk about my feelings of loss.  In public school assembly, I recall praying regularly to my grandmother, a loving, simple, “saintly woman."  A state hospital psychiatrist called her a "one woman psychiatric ward" for somehow managing to keep my schizophrenic uncle in one piece.  He had his first breakdown shortly after she died.  Grandma never complained about her host of medical problems, including an amputated leg.  Sometime after her death I just stopped talking to “Gram.”

It wasn’t till a couple of decades later that I understood how bereft, angry, and abandoned I felt with my protector no longer living in our household.  Grandma was able to set some limits on my anxious-controlling mother.  My mother had 150 + IQ; she was the dominant figure in the family, the parent with whom I was most symbiotically dependent.  In fairness, my mother was running a MASH Unit with all the injured and wounded, ill or literally lame souls squeezed into a small three-bedroom ward.  I perceived “nurse-mother” as essential to my survival; not pleasing or annoying her made me quite anxious.  I looked up to her intelligence but also neurotically conformed to a fearful and submissive “identification with the aggressor” behavior pattern.  And while I was conscious of feelings of embarrassment towards my “less adequate” father, with his alcohol and sex escapist patterns, it was my mother who could most readily induce feelings of shame.  (Alas, after his breakdown and ongoing shock therapy regimen, a family secret, commencing when I was one-and-a-half years old and lasting till I was nineteen, my father, other than one panic-driven “cry for help” exception, was not able to be a buffer for me in the home or with the outside bullying.  More later on my father and our down-up-down “roller coaster” relationship.)

But getting back to my grandmother, she had been my nonverbal haven (speaking almost exclusively Yiddish) in a family shrouded in secrets, repressed emotions, and denial.  With my biochemical and psychic potential for depressed and panic mood swings, with silent night terrors and later runaway dread around being taunted or bullied, ever submerged in all varieties of escapism and a rigid “good child” mask, much of my childhood and teen years, especially after grandma’s death, was a living hell.  I can’t help but wonder, especially with the influence of recent 12-Step Group attendance, if a scared child, periodically wandering aimlessly in Hades, has an inordinate need as an adult to pursue a fantasy "heaven" (and woman/object) on earth.

Kindred Eyes

Grandma's eyes age old crystal wisdom
Starry eyes to bathe in heaven's light
Teary eyes mirrored soulful freedom
Cold marble eyes...farewell sweet dreamy nights.

Grandma's eyes, grandma's eyes
Warmed your heart like a sunrise
Grandma's eyes, grandma's eyes
Rays of hope in a sea of lies!

Momma's eyes their brilliance masked the danger
Magnetic eyes compel an iron will
Towering eyes watched her huddled strangers
Such lonesome springs would never get their fill.

Momma's eyes, momma's eyes
Her gold stars were the prize
Momma's eyes, momma's eyes
Why were they so idolized?

Are there laser beams dancing with moon vision
Two fire balls blazing their own path
Buddha blues in the face of confusion
Kindred cat's eyes when, oh when, you coming back?

My cat's eyes, my cat's eyes
From afar romanticize
My cat's eyes, my cat's eyes
Are you real or in disguise?
Are you real or in disguise?

©  Mark Gorkin   1992
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
-----------------

Discussion Questions

1.  Did you ever have a protector or significant other who provided a safe haven?  What about the person and your interaction made you and the relationship feel secure?

2.  As a child or teen, were you ever involved in a relationship with an intimidating significant other?  What about the relationship made it feel scary, demeaning, and unsafe?

3.  Was your safety, security, or sense of survival ever dependent on an intimidating figure?  If so, how does this impact the way you see this individual, how you view yourself?

4.  In what ways do secure and threatening early relations impact our need to seek out “real” or “disguised” relationships?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a former psychotherapist and Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service.  The Doc is a Trauma Debriefing and Critical Incident Consultant for variety of organizations, including the national post-earthquake, Nepali Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative. He has led numerous transformative -- silo-breaking and communications bridge-building -- Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for US Army Senior Officers and Sergeants.  He also provides international Stress Resilience and Burnout Recovery Phone-Skype Coaching.

The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress:  Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression and The Four Faces of Anger:  Transforming Hostility and Rage into Assertion and Passion, and Resiliency Rap:  The Wit and Wisdom of the Stress Doc.  His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.

Using Nonverbal Mirth and Madness to Bridge the Language-Culture Divide

Becoming a Marxist (i.e., the Groucho Variety):  Part I

Years ago, I perused an article in an airline magazine about those comic geniuses, the Marx Brothers.  This comedic clan, of course, was known for their zany antics and outlandish appearance – think Groucho in his oversized tux or Harpo’s trench coat, more warehouse than outer garment – as well as all manner of nonverbal gestures, exaggerated movements, and pratfalls.  Groucho’s predatory animal-like pacing and ogling as well as Harpo’s horn blowing and whistling come to mind.  In addition, of course, there was Groucho’s celebrated quips and skewering wit along with the absurdly psycho-logical, side splitting, dialogic routines between Groucho and Chico.  The humor substance and style of the Marx Brothers was an outrageous marriage of the visual and the verbal.  Anyway, enough of my reverie…

Specifically, I recall reading that a prime fan base for their 1930s and ‘40s movie popularity was the new immigrant and the working classes.  The article helped me see the obvious:  the brothers, especially Groucho, Harpo, and Chico, invariably generated laughs by outmaneuvering, frustrating, or skewering rich, establishment if not aristocratic types, men and women alike.  If their movies did not close some of the existing class-cultural status gaps, at least for a time in the mind of a filmgoer this “band of brothers” helped bring the high and mighty down to earth.  Of course, we now know, and not simply by movie ticket sales, that laughter and emotional catharsis are very good head and heart medicine!

A Method to Mirth and Madness

But the essay’s purpose is not simply a “laughter as best medicine” message; actually, my goal is to show that using humor and generating laughter, especially through playful, nonverbal and exaggerated communication can open heads and hearts.  (Okay, call me a Marxist).  And that this slightly larger than life, emotion-laden interchange helps build channels of meaning, connecting, and sharing, even in the face of decided language and cultural barriers.  As I once penned, People are less defensive and more open to a serious message gift-wrapped with humor!  And you don’t necessarily have to be lampooning those of different statuses and cultures.  Healing humor can come to life by poking good-natured fun at our own universal, all-too-human flaws and foibles.

All of which brings me to a very recent experience:  my leading a 40-minute Stress Resilience and Mental Health Focus Group co-sponsored by the national Be Well Initiative (BWI) and ASIAN Community Services of Cleveland, OH.  There were seven community members and three staff, including an interpreter.  The community members were relatively new Nepali and Bhutanese Nepali immigrants and refugees dealing with all manner of relocation, transition, and everyday stress, including the challenge of English fluency.  Some of the attendees are also grappling with fairly recent “ethnic cleansing”-type post-traumatic stress.  Parenthetically, based on numerous discussions with people from Nepal over the past six months, Nepali Culture, in general, does not encourage open discussion of issues or emotions related to stress and mental health.  Such behavior is often see as jeopardizing traditional values of family harmony and honor.  Actually, I believe a number of cultures have a similar refrain:  Don’t air your dirty laundry!  (I have previously shared my involvement with the post-earthquake evolution and mission of Be Well Initiative.)

Improvising Strategy

I had arrived a bit early and witnessed an English-speaking staff person itemize the health education and social-acculturation programs that the ASIAN Center would be sponsoring in the upcoming weeks and months.  The speaker’s words were duly translated as group members, sitting upright, listened respectfully, alas with little facial expression.  I quickly realized that this kind of formal, one-way information delivery process was just what I wanting to avoid, or at least minimize.

The ASIAN staff thought my segment was going to start with people taking the BWI health survey.  Fortunately, I didn’t bring any.  After expressing my relief, I said my goal is to have us, and especially the Nepali group members, talking with each other.  Conscious of the translation process, I began to speak in shortened sentences, yet sending messages very much from the heart.  (I recall when traveling in Europe many moons ago, when speaking far from polished French, I would talk louder in the hopes of being better understood.  Now I seemed to be loading brief messages with feeling in the hopes of better capturing and connecting.)

 

I asked if people knew the word “stress.”  Initially there was no connection but, as the translator elaborated, people recognized the concept as being part of their lives.  We still hadn’t reached the level of spontaneous sharing I was seeking.  It was time for my “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer Exercise”:  How does your “Brain, Body, and Behavior” tell you when you are under STRESS!  (I was now beginning to employ some exaggerated verbal and nonverbal communication.)  I tried breaking the group in two smaller groups, but the idea of having a recorder in each group to capture their individual stress items was an impediment to group flow.

Breaking Out of the Translation Box

I don’t know if it was a touch of ADD, impatience, or just trusting my gut that some dramatic flair was needed but, with the translator in action, I suddenly jumped up and began to illustrate the “B”s:  a) pointing to my temple for “Brain,” b) sliding my hands along my “Body,” from head to toes, and finally c) miming being behind the wheel of a car, driving furiously, blasting my horn, with an intense, angry, stressed out expression on my face, for “Behavior.”  People laughed; they got it.

The translator and I agreed to forego immediate translation and just let the group respond to the question.  And participation increased steadily.  Once or twice the translator addressed a quiet participant, which usually facilitated some sharing.  My curiosity got the best of me as laughter periodically broke out from the increasingly animated group discussion.  Responses noted were common to my typical Stress Resilience programs – headaches, body aches, trouble sleeping, sadness, loneliness, etc.  I even pointed to my mostly bald pate and said, “See…stress!”  One more time producing smiles and giggles.  Once again there was confirmation of the laboratory research discovery that misery doesn’t just like company…it especially likes miserable company!  ;-)

After acknowledging the seriousness of stress on our physical and mental health, I’m not sure the exact sequence, but I mentioned the importance of having a “stress buddy.”  I then explained the concept of a military spouse pairing up with another stateside spouse to better manage personal and family stress when their husband (or wife) leaves for overseas combat.

Physically, Provocatively, and Passionately Engaging the Audience

Now a somewhat older woman mentioned having a friend with whom she converses to help with her stress, to talk out her problems.  I immediately jumped out of my chair and gave her a gentle yet big hug!  Another round of smiles and energy flowed throughout the room.  (One of the Program Coordinators, an Asian fellow, later admitted he was surprised by the amount of laughter from a group typically more reserved if not stoic.)

Finally, I singled out the lone middle-aged male in the room, asking why there weren’t other Nepali men present.  After attempting to rationalize that they might be busy with work or families, this individual explained that he was here because he loved to learn new things that would help him adapt to his new surroundings.  Naturally, I shook his hand, then I made a somewhat skeptical face and wondered if many men don’t like talking about stress or their feelings.  Upon declaring they want to appear “tough,” I then crossed my arms in front of my chest, put on a scowl…and the knowing laughter ensued.

With time running out, I concisely shared BWI’s goals of running more Focus Groups and having community members, like the present gentleman, (who also acknowledged that neighbors seek him out for talk and counsel) be trained as informal, peer-to-peer Be Well Facilitators in the community.  Not only does such an individual provide a caring ear and shoulder, countering some of that previously mentioned isolation and angst, but this facilitator can help direct others to the community center for more formal or professional assistance, resource information, etc.

I closed by asking if people found our group session useful and enjoyable.  The smiles and nodding head responses were resounding!  All I can say is, Amen and women to that!

Take Home Communication Lessons:  Mining and Miming the Marx Brothers

Not speaking Nepali and pretty frustrated by the slow-moving and stilted nature of the group translation process, I took matters into my own hands, body, voice, and nonverbal mannerisms.  At the same time, the folks in the room were a key part of the “show.”  Let me identify the structured and spontaneous, verbal and especially nonverbal, expressive forms of communication-engagement employed and their trust- and bridge-building impact.  I will also include a “group art therapy-type” exercise that, in the past, successfully facilitated open sharing around stress and conflict issues with international travel agents.   Many of these individuals, too, were not especially comfortable publicly talking about emotions, especially when speaking English.

So stay tuned for Part II:

Key Expressive Nonverbal-Visual Forms of Communication

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a former psychotherapist and Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the U.S. Postal Service.  The Doc is a Trauma Debriefing and Critical Incident Consultant for variety of organizations, including the national post-earthquake, Nepali Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative. He has led numerous transformative -- silo-breaking and communications bridge-building -- Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for US Army Senior Officers and Sergeants.  He also provides international Stress Resilience and Burnout Recovery Phone-Skype Coaching.

The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress:  Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression and The Four Faces of Anger:  Transforming Hostility and Rage into Assertion and Passion, and Resiliency Rap:  The Wit and Wisdom of the Stress Doc.  His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.