Here is the link to the
abbreviated version of my feature essay that appears in the Sep 2015, ENCV Declaration: The Whole Health Issue.
or
Here is the link to the entire essay:
or
Learning to Practice Safe Stress: Understanding Key Challenges and
Stressors for the Disability Community
by Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW (in
consultation with Bob Rudney, author of the disability novel, Lovers Lame,
and Director of EXCEL, a Disabilities/Career Support and Networking Group)
Shortly after a recent playful
yet poignant "Practice Safe Stress" program for the disability
advocacy organizations ENDependence Center of No. VA and EXCEL, I was asked to
write a concise piece on "Stress Management," focusing on folks with
disabilities. With no time and words to waste...first the “Stressors” (Part I)
then the “Stress Resilience Skills and Strategies” (Part II).
Key Stressors
1. Daily Challenges and Obstacles. Having a disability by definition means facing tangible challenges
and obstacles to performing daily activities. This not only involves the
obvious physical infirmity and added routine/operational time and hassle, for
many there's also the challenge of having a mostly "invisible"
disability, e.g., depression or other psychological disorders, learning
disabilities, internal medical condition, etc. It's often hard for the unaware
to empathize when the person seems "healthy" or "normal."
2. Adult Onset vs. Congenital Diversity. Surely, being disabled from birth poses its own unique life
challenges and learning curves. Naturally, this individual may have many years
to come to terms with his or her medical-psychological condition. (Of course,
many folks with invisible disabilities go mis- or undiagnosed well into
adulthood.) However, becoming significantly impaired-injured if not immobilized
by a stroke or car accident as an adult is an acute and profound life crisis
and turning point. First there's extensive rehabilitation, fraught with arduous
uncertainty. Then, not only the grief of the immediate trauma and compromised
physical aptitudes, but also the pain surrounding loss of identity, self-worth,
and sense of competence, or the agonizing comparison between a current and
former self. (A novel that perceptively captures the different roads to
disability is Bob Rudney's, Lovers Lame.)
3. Normal Stressors. The
everyday challenges of work, finances, family and intimate relationships,
raising kids, transportation and commuting, etc., are part of the normative
experience of the disability community. However, the mundane reality is closer
to stress on steroids. One example: the difficulty of both finding a job in a
narrow (if not close-minded) job market as well as obstacles to getting to the
job, especially when public transportation is scarce or unreliable. (For
example, in the Greater DC Metro system, escalators and elevators, not to
mention trains, are often out of service, turning a morning or evening commute
into an adventure that not even Odysseus would envy.)
4. Social Relations and Isolation. Pursuing relationships may become a “partner accessibility” test,
especially if getting out is a physical or psychological challenge. After a
while, many forego making the effort. At the same time there's the perception
of (if not judgment by) the larger community. Often lacking knowledge about the
strengths and vulnerabilities of the disability collective, uneasy with
apparent and assumed differences, a subtle or overt pattern of social
exclusion, if not outright stigmatization, may become the norm. I recall a
woman dependent on a motorized scooter for street motility frustrated by
pedestrians who “envied her mode of transportation.” (FYI, Lovers Lame addresses many of these issues.)
5. Navigating Various Bureaucracies. Quick mind game for the non-disabled: How do you typically feel
about having to go to the DMV to get a license, to register a new vehicle, or
take an inspection test? Am I the only one whose stomach starts churning? Again
imagine your stress level if you need to frequently engage with the medical,
social service, vocational rehab, or HUD bureaucracies? Not only is the issue
of “dependency on others” an ongoing role and relationship challenge, so too
receiving conflicting directives from those perched on Mount Olympus.
Closing Summary
Five common stressors for the
disability community have been identified: 1) Daily Challenges and Obstacles,
2) Adult Onset vs. Congenital Diversity, 3) Normal Stressors, 4) Social
Relations and Isolation, and 5) Navigating Various Bureaucracies. Stay tuned
for Part II: Skills and Strategies for
Practicing Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote speaker
and "Motivational Humorist" known for interactive, inspiring, and FUN
programs for government agencies & major corporations. The Doc is a training
and Stress Resilience Consultant for several national consulting firms. He has
also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of
the Armed Services. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant
for the US Postal Service, Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap. For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or
to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Skills and Strategies for
Practicing Safe Stress!
by Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW (in
consultation with Bob Rudney, author of the disability novel, Lovers Lame,
and Director of EXCEL, a Disabilities/Career Support and Networking Group)
We
have made strides in acknowledging our diversity as a culture and society. We recently celebrated the 25th
anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Still, it's also vital to underscore that we
are all more human than otherwise. And
this wisdom applies when highlighting Stress Resilience tools and techniques,
that is, when extolling the importance of cultivating a mind-body mindset and
methodology valuable for the disabled and the non-disabled alike.
However,
I will note Two Stress Resilience Resources with which almost all having a
disability can relate:
1. Draw On Your Problem-Solving Skills. People with disabilities are always figuring
out every day “workarounds” – adaptive physical and/or psychological strategies
and steps, shortcuts or tricks that challenge personal “limits” or situational
“limitations.” In fact, both anecdotal
and research studies suggest that compensatory adaptations help fuel novel if
not creative problem-solving.
2. Grow through Grief. When we have lost something valuable,
something of our essence, there is a natural proclivity, if not mind-body
survival instinct, to engage in some form of grief. For example tears of grief (as opposed to
tears induced by a cold, bitter wind) release stress toxins from our body. I believe we may need to experience a process
of feeling stuck, feeling inert, to rant and rage – often a cover for feeling
hopeless and helpless – to arouse our most determined if not daring “dark night
of the soul to mind-body-spirit rebirth.”
And often a person must hit bottom before he or she reaches out for
psychological support and guidance.
Reflect
upon my poetic passages. (And by the
way, some form of personal creative expression is a profound way of finding
energy and meaning, purpose and passion in mind-body-spirit pain.)
Whether
the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion, each
deserves the respect of a mourning. The
pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs
prove catalytic in time. In mystical
fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful
renewal.
For
the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One
must know the pain
To
transform the fire to burning desire!
Now
consider the Stress Doc's Natural SPEED Formula for Stress Resiliency and Brain
Agility:
S
= Sleep. Don't be cheap with your need for sleep;
it's nature's way to ebb and low to help you grow. Chronic sleep disturbance not only impairs
learning, memory, and performance, but research increasingly links it to
conditions of obesity and diabetes, perhaps even dementia. Create a relaxing sleep ritual before
bedtime: bathe or shower, listen to
soothing music or sounds of nature, get into bed about the same time each
evening, read for pleasure but don't do work in bed, and most important...turn
off those darn technology gadgets and games!!!
P
= Priorities. In a world that bombards us with messages and
constantly demands our attention and time, two skills are critical:
a)
distinguishing urgent vs. important – remember, urgent is a life or
death emergency; everything else can be prioritized; just because another feels
“the sky is falling down,” doesn't make this person an objective or accurate
forecaster. Don't let another's false
sense of urgency become your anxiety! Especially when dealing with a head honcho,
consider reframing his or her words: “I
know this is a very important problem or issue.
[You've more accurately described the situation, nor succumbed to
emotional exaggeration. Having a verbal
counter is itself stress reducing.]
Because it is important, let's take five minutes to help me
re-prioritize, so I will have the time and energy to devote to this
project.” Don't just continue to load
more and more stuff on your plate.
Definitely a formula for stress indigestion!
b)
importance of saying “No” – how comfortable are you saying “No” to
friends, colleagues, and family?; a sign of adult maturity is knowing that
there are circumstances when you may need to disappoint others...and it's
okay. It doesn't make you a bad or
selfish person! Remember, burnout is
less a sign of failure and more that you likely gave yourself away! My “Vital Lesson of the Four 'R's”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try,
Results, Rewards, Recognition, and Relief are not forthcoming and you can't say
“No” or won't “let go”...(because you've invested so much time, identity,
money, energy, and/or ego in one right person, position, or possible outcome)
trouble awaits. The groundwork is being
laid for apathy, callousness, and despair!
Tips
for saying “No”: 1) acknowledge the importance of the other's
request, 2) quickly explain why your schedule, workload, energy level, etc.
dictate you saying “No,” then either, say 3) while I can't help you with ABC, I
might be able to help you DEF, that is, you are not slamming the door; you
still want to be a team player, or 4) invite the person to call you back in a
day or two to see if your availability has changed, 5) anticipate the other
will not be happy with your new, boundary setting behavior; they may well
attempt to shake your resolve, 6) concisely repeat your position; don't
over-talk out of a sense of guilt (over-talking undermines your conviction; as
if you still must explain or justify yourself).
N
& N – “No & Negotiate” – ranks with “R & R” as a Stress Management
tool!
Remember
these two Stress Doc maxims: A firm
“No” a day keeps the ulcers away; and the hostilities, too! and
Do
know your limits and don't limit your “No's!”
P
= Passion. I'd like to reprise a word that for many is disappearing – “hobby.” Do you engage in an activity that nurtures
and stimulates your mind, body, and/or soul?...One that may or may not involve
another individual. And a hobby may have
an even deeper resonance. I recall my
dad's journey. He finally had enough of
the doctor-recommended shock therapy treatment (that lasted for fifteen or so
years) for a depressive breakdown and acute hospitalization. (I was about two.) He was able to work, had his struggles with
family relations...and he finally had enough.
He broke from the family shroud of silence, got into psychotherapy, and
never again needed shock treatment.
Fortunately, he reunited with the family and, in many ways, became a
role model!
But his most daring mid-life exploration: taking up tennis. His older brother was a great athlete, and my
father shied away from this competition.
Not necessarily a good strategy for an angry Type A New Yorka, juggling
a father with alcohol issues and a mother suffering from chronic
depression. During this period of
renewal, he dedicated himself to this avocation, always on the court, paying
for lessons, even started coaching my mom; this was his new mid-life
passion! (He even quit smoking cold
turkey when he realized that it contradicted his new lifestyle.) Then one day he challenged his brother to a
tennis match...And mid-life moment on the mountaintop – He WON!
But
I don't share this story to parade the conquering hero. Actually, IMHO, what was most heroic was his
willingness to dig deep into his Pandora's Box and take on a hobby, a new
learning curve, one that was historically fraught with memories and feelings of
failure and shame. He was able to
“Confront the Intimate FOE: Fear of
Exposure!” Perhaps the biggest take
home: through a new TnT energy source – Therapy
and Tennis – my father was developing a new self-image and identity; he was
turning long-standing pain into purpose and passion. All I can say is, Amen and women to that!
E
= Empathic Engagement. As I once penned:
E
is for the “empathy”
Found
in a caring shoulder
But
all give without take is a big mistake
For
now you shoulder a boulder.
It's
vital to have a “stress buddy,” someone in your corner, but one also mature
enough to give you candid and constructive feedback; a person who can engage in
real head and heart TLC, the Stress Doc variety: Tender Loving Criticism and Tough loving
Care!
The
Truth Is Blind and Brash yet also Discriminates
Last
year I spoke to the Texas Govt. Division of Blind Services. About one-third of the 120 participants were
blind or seriously vision-impaired. This
was a very new experience for me. And in
an informal social setting, a blind woman picked up on my discomfort. She quickly said: “Just be yourself. Don't be afraid to say words or phrases like,
'I see.' And if feeling unsure, ask
questions.” She definitely became a
stress buddy.
The
other social engagement quality observed was how these blind individuals
employed a feisty humor both with their sighted partners and with blind
colleagues, e.g., warning one another to “watch where you poke that
walking/sensing pole.” I believe this
banter reflected a sense of owning one's disability and was a vital way of
affirming a sense of self-efficacy and common humanity.
Of
course, poking fun of one's flaws and foibles may be social
context-dependent. In a job interview,
for example, Bob Rudney, suggests consciously and selectively using a playful
touch. While you are not obligated to
disclose or talk about a disability, depending on your physical condition, you
might lightly suggest that you may unintentionally do something awkward. Most folks will be impressed by your candor
and self-assurance, despite feeling anxious.
Also, be prepared to field questions; provide examples of successful
problem-solving rather than disability diagnostics. And engage the interviewer in joint
problem-solving ideas when unsure, for example, of the strategic
“accommodations” response.
E
= Exercise. The benefit of regular exercise is
both physical and psychological. Of
course, for the disability community there's a wide range of freedom of
movement or lack thereof. Even when
significantly restricted there is a variety of yoga movements and precise or
fine muscle exercises that have neurochemical effect. You may not need to do thirty minutes of
vigorous, non-stop, large muscle movement activity – brisk walking, swimming,
dancing, etc. – to release brain chemicals like endorphin and dopamine, the
mind-body's natural mood enhancers and pain relievers. Research suggests adept practitioners of
meditation induce this brain boost. And
remember, it's less a runner's or meditator's high and more that we can step
back and see things with a calmer disposition and fresher perspective.
When
stressed, everything feels up in the air.
The answer: to feel grounded.
There is nothing like a an exercise routine for creating a beginning and
end point for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control. Actually, you’re developing a “success
ritual.” And while I don’t always love
to exercise, after my thirty-minute routine…well, I do like feeling
virtuous. ;-)
D = Diet. A diet high in saturated fats (red meat, whole milk
products, fried oyster po-boys; having lived in New Orleans, I’m convinced the
restaurants are owned by the cardiologists) and simple sugars (sodas, cookies
and excess salt; sorry folks) induces drowsiness and mental torpor, not to
mention clogged arteries. And too much
alcohol and caffeine is a roller coaster headache – moodiness or depression
often follows aggression and agitation.
Balancing protein, fruits and vegetables, complex carbs, grains, nuts
and sufficient water is vital for optimal energy and alertness along with
cardiovascular health. Remember, a mind is a terrible thing to waist!
Closing
Summary
Two
general stress resilience steps and skills were introduced, ones especially
familiar to the disability community:
1.
Draw on Your Problem-Solving Skills
2.
Grow through Grief
And then we outlined the Stress Doc's Formula for Natural
SPEED: Sleep-Priorities-Passion-Empathic
Engagement-Exercise-Diet. Are you
prepared to take the plunge? Are you
ready to...Practice Safe Stress?
Mark
Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a
Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote speaker and
"Motivational Humorist" known for interactive, inspiring, and FUN
programs for government agencies & major corporations. The Doc is a
training and Stress Resilience Consultant for several national consulting
firms. He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for
various branches of the Armed Services. A former Stress and Violence
Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of
Anger, and Resiliency Rap. For more info on the Doc's "Practice
Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email
stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
