Going Off Script: The Art and Craft of Startling Presentation-Performance – Part I

In a Plenary, the Stress Doc analyzes going from presentation to unanticipated improvisation with startling effect.  Grasp and wield “off script” concepts, tools, and techniques for more “surprising” and engaging communication and powerfully inspiring presentations – whether in a conference hall, boardroom, and classroom, as well as in a team meeting, on the work floor, or during a family meeting in the living room.

Going Off Script:  The Art and Craft of Startling Presentation-Performance by Analyzing an Improvised “Power Struggle” Exercise – Part I

Last week, reviewing a Power Point Slide with a group of Agency Executives, Community Advocates, Allied and Mental Health Professionals, Educators, etc., a voice from my subconscious cried, “Just do it!”  (And I’m more a New Balance, cross-trainer kind of guy.)  This subterranean echo occurred during my “Practice Safe Stress” Plenary Speaker presentation at the Virginia/Statewide Refugee Mental Health Summit.  At the time, I was highlighting key items from the “Heart of Letting Go,” such as “Necessary/Universal Life Stage Loss” (death, breakup, downsizing, illness, mind-body mobility, moving away, etc.) and “Existential Loss” (when your sense of identity and meaning in/of the world is disrupted or turned upside down; of course, there may be overlap among loss categories).  Waxing poetic with “Power Struggles” (issues of loss of control and/or pride, status/turf wars, anger, letting go, etc.), nonetheless, my ambient radar was operational.  Picking up on body language, eye focus, and quiet in the room, I sensed the audience was captivated by the “loss and power” subject.  And suddenly a Nike moment:  “I’m going off script.  Let’s try an exercise.”

The Power of Surprise

The atmosphere definitely shifts; there’s a restlessness, an uncertainty:  “Where is this guy taking us?”  I quickly have the group break into forty pairs:  “Find an eyeball partner.”  And for this mini role-play, the quintessential power struggle:  one person declares, “You can’t make me!”  The other counters with, “Oh yes I can!”  And both are thinking about someone “who is or has been a pain in your butt!”  (Hopefully, someone other than their exercise counterpart. ;-)  After a brief, back and forth verbal volley, each participant is instructed to “Say what you’d really like to say” to the antagonist inside your head.  I won’t go into all the details; suffice to say, the room exploded with a mix of genuine-playful aggression, focused interaction, exaggerated body language and gesturing, (I don’t recall if anyone, in this audience leapt from their chair), verbal buzzing, as well as an uproar of laughter.  The room was alive with engagement electricity!

And, apparently, this motivational juice had staying power.  As Dr. Eva Stitt, Summit Coordinator, noted in her post-conference testimonial:  Thank you so much for inspiring our participants with your wit and humor as well as helping set the tone for the rest of the day.

Drive Time Reflection and…Aha!

The drive home from Richmond, VA, enabled the reliving of the sudden shift from poignant presentation to playfully out-rage-ous group exercise/interpersonal confrontation.  While this “power struggle” exercise usually charges an audience, there was something about its surprise introduction and energy-focus transition that amplified “the sound and the fury”…and the FUN!  It was as if we were all on a vital edge.

And then, thirty-six hours later, the real epiphany hit…waking me in the middle of the night:  the “off script” maneuvering was not really unprecedented; for me, a strategy of surprise is hardly random.  While this time spontaneous, mentally scanning the years, Stress Doc ™ “mirth and madness” programs have always featured “surprising” if not purposefully jolting elements, invariably spicing “motivation and method.”

Six Stage-Three Variable Analysis of “Surprising” Dynamic

Let’s examine this surprise dynamic:  as a speaker or workshop leader there are numerous ways to be “surprisingly provocative” and “provocatively surprising,” that is, from the French, provocare, to awaken the mind and arouse curiosity.  Roget’s Thesaurus lists three main verb synonyms for “surprise”:  astonish, take by surprise, and attack, as in surprise attack.  Disrupting expectations and mindsets is a good base for productively shaking-up a learning setting and heightening audience attention.  Not surprisingly, defying expectations while dramatically intensifying (“on the edge of their seat”) anticipation impacts individual curiosity and concentration as well as group energy, engagement, and process.

To illustrate this “unpredictable” or “bolt from the blue” force-field, consider this breakdown of the ”Presentation to Improvisation Transition,” that is, from highlighting a PPt Slide to suddenly enacting the “You Can’t Make Me” Power Struggle Exercise.  More specifically, this analysis will examine “Six Presentation-Performance Transition Stages.”  These are:

1.  Speaker as Expert, Audience as Listeners

2.  Speaker as Observer, Audience as Learners

3.  Speaker as Disrupter, Audience as Uncertain Partners

4.  Speaker as Director, Audience as Actors

5.  Speaker as Facilitator/Debriefer, Audience as More Cohesive Collective

6.  Speaker as Role Model, Audience as Future Adaptors.

And each of the “Six Stages” will be illuminated by examining three variables:  “Atmosphere & Energy,” “Role/Status Positioning,” and “Get FIT – FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking – Group Process.”

Transition Shift:  Going from Presentation to Improvisation

Highlighting key items from the “Heart of Letting Go” Power Point Slide, especially the power struggle item, I sensed the audience was captivated.  Trusting that inner voice and gut…I shook up the speaker-audience energy, roles and relationships, along with the group process.  Here is the Six Stage-Three Variable Analysis of the Evolving – “Before-During-After” – Presentation-Performance Dynamics:

1.  Speaker as Expert, Audience as Listeners

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  quiet attentiveness; audience had been previously engaged in opening group exercise; we are presently

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  during this stage of the program, I am the Expert, the audience are Learners; may be perceived as a Leader-Follower or Superior-Subordinate relationship

c.  Get FIT – FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking – Group Process:  I am the Initiator, projecting ideas and energy to the Audience, who (at least theoretically) are Receivers; while people seem engaged, this can be one-way, Active-Passive information exchange

2.  Speaker as Observer, Audience as Learners

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  audience’s rapt silence begins to speak volumes; we are at a “turning point”; when people are on the edge of their seat, it’s easier to move them in a new direction.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  scanning the room, aware of the undivided attention; I’m more keenly absorbing audience signs – alert body language, eye focus, and quiet in the room.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  now an internal voice gives me a sign; I need to stop talking, to shift away from Lecture-Educator to the role of Interactive Facilitator; I quickly announce, “I’m going off script.”

3.  Speaker as Disrupter, Audience as Uncertain Partners

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  catching folks off-guard, the announcement stirs up the room, breaking the one-way, Expert-Listener flow; amidst the group murmuring, the unspoken question:  “what’s happening now?” or “where is he taking us?”; I move to a more central place in the conference room, outside the conventional podium “lecture space”; the pending Passive/Receptive to Active/Interactive shift is already impacting the audience’s sense of anticipation and control.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  unease is also generated because the audience is in limbo, not sure what roles and rules, instructions and expected behaviors will follow; some may feel disoriented.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  during this undefined transition, it’s not just physical position that undergoes change, but speaker role as well, from Educator to Leader; in addition, suddenly stopping the lecture may not only be confusing, some will feel frustrated by the rupture or lack of closure; in the room, there’s often an increased sense of vulnerability that, paradoxically, heightens both unease as well as excitement; the question of group trust in the leader will be put to the test.

4.  Speaker as Director, Audience as Actors

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  once announcing the looming power struggle exercise, the buzz gets even louder; and when I say, “find an eyeball partner,” and explain the intra- and interpersonal parameters (“thinking of someone who’s a pain in your butt,” and then instruct the pairs to aggressively or passive-aggressively declare (or whine/tease), “You can’t make me!” (Person A) or “Oh yes I can!” (Person B)...well, the room is getting ready to “act out”; now, decibel levels are skyrocketing with buzzing and laughter (nervous and otherwise), especially when after a brief standard volley, folks are encouraged to “say what you’d really like to say”; also, recalling that “pain in the butt” and the related painful or conflicted interaction just may ratchet up a role-player’s performance angst:  do I want to release all this pent up emotion?; how much of me should I reveal?; in this public setting, can I manage venting or will I lose control?

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  clearly there’s been a profound shift:  instead of all eyes on me, they are focused on their counterpart; each audience member has been turned into a symbolic adversary; and the individual’s mental space has been purposely segmented into past (pain) and present (role-play partner).

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  and once the starting gun sounds, very quickly “the room is alive with the sound of manic!”  However, there is no panic.  Structured surprise (as in an unexpected group exercise) increases uncertainty.  However, the same medium, through clear guidelines and rules, (e.g., “no getting out of your chair”) as well as brief, supervised timelines, also provides for improvisational relief and release.  Each player has the opportunity to step outside of conventional roles and relationships, take on a provocative personae, and express frustration and assert control in a purposefully-playfully absurd manner.  And within each role-play dyad, the risky yet safe interaction along with the informal, post-power struggle discussion, frequently leads to some intimate sharing and trust-building.

5.  Speaker as Facilitator/Debriefer, Audience as More Cohesive Collective

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  now, through the exercise, all in the room have shared a common experience; the aftermath of playful-aggressive energy, venting and laughter is palpable; in fact, some don’t want the exercise to end, battling through the call for closure.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  refocusing the group by acknowledging the heightened energy in the room, returning to Lecture as Debrief-mode, I now underscore key learning points:  1) a person can quickly get into a “power struggle” framework, yet not have an ego so wrapped up in winning, 2) though a game, the back and forth verbal volleying often feels somewhat real:  we don’t like people telling us what to do; in addition, many carry around past hurts or frustration with others, 3) it feels good to let out these feelings in a safe setting and in an aggressive yet playful and measured manner, 4) such an exchange can facilitate some post-power struggle “feedback” intimacy, and 5) finally, the response to the exercise was pretty universal despite our many shades of diversity.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  after hitting the highlights, another decision must be made…and quickly:  the “You Can’t Make Me” exercise lends itself to the presentation of a number of conceptual and applied tools and techniques for disarming “power struggles.”  My favorite, for example, asking trust-building “good questions.”  But, alas, I inform the group that we’ll have to get together another time to explore further the communication-conflict skills arena.  However, this transition is a great segue into the next interactive experience, the “Heart of Letting Go” Exercise.  And this upcoming exercise is more poignant than playful, asking people to reflect upon and share how issues of loss, change, and letting go impact their work with refugee clients.  Clearly, we continue to climb an exercise ladder that progressively increases attendee vulnerability, risk of disclosure, as well as social-collegial intimacy.

6.  Speaker as Role Model, Audience as Future Adaptors

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  if the power struggle exercise was surprising, my closing number can only be called shocking.  The whole program, I suspect, but especially my out-rage-ous close, performing a “Shrink Rap” ™ (more in Part II), motivated a young woman to approach during a break.  She shared her way of being outrageous and startling people:  normally serious and somewhat shy, she has taken up skydiving!  Friends and colleagues are amazed.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  I believe numbers in the room viewed me as a role model, both for my style – insightful yet playful, outrageous, high energy orchestra leader, helping others bring out their best music – and substance – conceptual and interactive tools and techniques, especially on stress resilience, burnout, and loss/letting go.  Folks seemed to need and want an infusion of ideas and inspiration from a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™, a leader also facilitating peer-to-peer sharing and energy transfusion.  Again, as Dr. Eva Stitt, Summit Coordinator, noted in her afore-referenced post-conference testimonial:  I believe you have felt their response – how much they enjoyed it, as well as how much they need it, so they can effectively carry out their job of helping others.  The strength of our initiative depends on these people who champion our cause for refugee mental health.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  my goal is to educate and entertain, perhaps to inspire; to provide an experience that can excite and fortify program attendees and help them share our collective energy and enlightenment with others – from clients to colleagues.  Consider these two testimonials:  one from the Refugee Summit and the other from the 2015 University of Maryland's Diabetes/Endocrinology Center's Managing Diabetes Conference:

Jul 9, 2016

HI Mark,

It was a pleasure spending time with you and I really appreciated your presentation. I will discuss your presentation with our trainers.  I will keep in touch,

Deborah  C. Moore, RN, BSN, MPH
Nurse Manager II, Senior
deborah.moore@vdh.virginia.gov

Hampton-Peninsula Health Department
3130 Victoria  Blvd., Hampton, VA, 23661
Office (757)315-3779
416 J Clyde Morris Blvd., Newport News, VA 23601
Office (757)594-7903

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University of Maryland's Diabetes/Endocrinology Center's Managing Diabetes Conference; 100 + Allied Health Professionals; 1.5 hrs

Practice Safe Stress:  Stress and Change Resilience through Humor

Mar 12, 2015

Hi Mark-

Great presentation. It really inspired me to improve my own presentation skills and brainstorm with my coworkers how to make our diabetes education classes more fun.

Best Regards,

Alison Massye

Alison Massey MS, RD, LDN, CDE
Director of Diabetes Education, Mercy Medical Center
250 N. Calvert Street Baltimore, MD 21202
amassey@mdmercy.com
P: (410) 659-2833

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Closing Concept:  From Aha to Haha!

Finally, there is a micro-surprising dynamic within the macro-surprising transition and process.  And that dynamic mix involves humor and wit.  As Mark Twain, acclaimed author and humorist, noted:  Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.  And according to William Shakespeare, the master of verbal presentation and performance:  Brevity is the soul of wit.  One of the staples for evoking laughter is surprising an audience, quickly defying their expectations, tickling them in a slightly sensitive area, i.e., before they can block the punchline, having them acknowledge, while still saving face, their own flaws and foibles.  Or poking fun at myself by using self-effacing humor, e.g., the old saw, Vanity thy name is Gorkin!  Okay, as a “healing humorist” I also may generically poke surprising fun at unnamed others.  For example, one of my brain-body stress symptoms is the “jaw-dropping” TMJ:  Too Many Jerks!  Remember, people are less defensive and more open to a serious message gift-wrapped with humor.

On a personal note, one of the best compliments as a speaker was from a Training/OD colleague who stated:  Mark, I’ve never known anyone who can take an audience from the serious to the humorous and then quickly take them back again.  So learn to ebb and flow with that surprising comic-tragic connection.  All I can say is, Amen and Women, to that!

Closing Summary

Part I of “Going Off Script” employs a six stage-three variable analysis of the evolving – “before-during-after” – dynamics of a Plenary Speaking Program.  More specifically, an outline format highlights how the Doc transitions himself and an audience, shifting from straight forward presentation to unanticipated improvisation…with startling effect.  Through the three-pronged lens of “Atmosphere & Energy,” “Role/Status Positioning,” and “Get FIT Group Process,” the essay illustrates “off script” concepts, communication tools, and interactive techniques for more “surprising” – on the edge engaging and powerful – presentations.

While this essay examined one Interactive Exercise, Part II of “Going Off Script” will capture a number of Stress Doc exercises and other communicational tools and techniques for startling, awakening, and motivating an audience.  Encourage a large community or small group to interact with you and each other.  Playfully yet purposefully broaden a transformation-inspiration horizon by shaking up the presentation landscape and mindscape.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Captivating and Inspiring Your Audience: The "Short and Smart" KISSing Technique -- Skills, Steps, and Strategies: Part II

Part I, made a case for placing the "superior" slogan KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid or Keep It Simple Stupid – out to proverbial pasture. To be a high impact communicator in today's TNT – Time-Numbers-Technology – driven and distracted world one must cultivate and spread a new and compact message-delivery technique. It's a practice and performance that is engaging and edgy, deceptively simple yet, being concise, packs a high energy quality punch. Are you ready to become a "Short and Smart" KISSer?

The Stress Doc's KISSing Technique – Skills, Steps, and Strategies!

There are several maneuvers for spicing up your KISS without having to resort to the French technique.  (Obviously, I’m keeping said tongue well planted in my own cheek.) Let me count several ways of enabling your communication-message to be “Short and Smart”...and also compelling:

1. Acronyms. Clearly, acronyms allow a message to be succinct and powerful (if not always “smart” in the “Emotionally Intelligent” sense of the word). KISS and my real definition or source of jaw pain – TMJ: Too Many Jerks!…these letters and lines definitely package a message and pack a punch; also, see “Alliteration” below. Through form and function, acronyms allow for the selection of a manageable and digestible number of key “food for thought” elements. Not only do acronyms help make a message seem meaty, in addition they make it memorable or, at least, easier to remember. For example my “Natural SPEED Formula for Stress Resiliency and Brain Agility: Sleep-Priorities-Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet." Of course, use some discretion; it’s easy to OD on acronyms.  I’m a charter member of the new 12-step AA group: Acronyms Anonymous!

2. Analogy. Analogy is a similarity been two things, having features that, at a first glance, are not always seen as related. This categorization process evokes a comparison whereby the resemblance may be more readily and rapidly understood. For example, the great yet ornery Boston Red Sox baseball slugger, Ted Williams, was called "The Splendid Splinter." Not only can a splinter be a symbolic visual for a bat, but "The Kid" could definitely be a pain in the butt!

Analogy enables us to a) take familiar knowledge and experiment in a new arena or have a new situation challenge a conventional view, e.g., my book title – Practice Safe Stress, b) to perceive common threads among disparate elements or situations, e.g., my Shrink Rap™ line, "inside your car looks like a pocketbook on wheels," c) sort wheat from chaff, and d) rapidly and often reliably get to or illustrate the crux of a problem (or healing possibilities), thereby facilitating new perspective, applications, or adaptations…talk about a smart (and survival-driven) conceptual strategy.

Consider how "tree of life" imagery and analogy infuses my post-earthquake draft of a Nepali "Be Well Initiative" Philosophy. (I am a founding member of the BWI community health planning team):

The "Be Well Initiative" (BWI) for the Nepali Diaspora has its roots in the natural earthquake trauma and tragedy. However, it's branches of healing and hope are presently reaching out to both local Nepali and Bhutanese Nepali communities in cities and states across the United States. We wish to touch the overall Nepalese collective throughout our country. And as our tree of research, knowledge, and compassion grows, hopefully, other countries will share the fruits of our labor and plant their own trees.

More Metaphor and Imagery in a Short Story

Or use metaphor or comparative imagery to put some flesh on a message bone. Let me provide a personal example. When I submit program titles for various speaking engagements, a frequent title or subtitle is: “Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront.” People often feel there are war zone elements in their work situation. I recall VA Head Nurses introducing themselves at the start of a stress workshop by barking out their last names and their wards: “Walker, W-14, Thompson, W-18, Jones W-20.” I immediately exclaimed, “It sounds like your reporting from the battle stations!” Their sighs and nodding heads let me know I was on target.

So even if “Burnout Battlefront” is an exaggeration, folks believe I have a sense of their intense work conditions/stress levels. Though for these nurses it wasn’t much of an exaggeration. Their two favorite slogans: Do your eight and it the gate; nine to five and stay alive! (We’ve previously illustrated, a slogan or an adage is another way of generating an effective KISS.) As for the extreme conditions, maybe it was a coincidence, though I don’t believe so…the very caring Director of Nursing who brought me in to lead the workshop was dead within a year from cancer.

P.S. Surely, another way to convey “short and smart” is through a pithy "short story," especially one that effectively and efficiently ranges from the playful to the poignant or vice versa.

3. Alliteration and Rhyme. Or try animating a KISS by using alliteration (see above); repeating the same letter at the beginning of a word, e.g., “burnout battlefront” and "TnT" (Trauma and Tragedy); or repeating similar sounds, which takes us into the realm of rhyme. The aforementioned nurses’ slogan will do: “Do your eight and hit the gate; nine to five and stay alive.” Walk the talk clearly has permeated mass consciousness. Alliteration and rhyme give your words a “rhythm” – a beat, a pace, a cadence, a pulse – which makes your message vibrate, makes it distinctive, and helps capture peoples’ attention. A radio host recently thanked me for being on his show and added, You have a unique rhythm to your speech that I want to tap on; you have great delivery. Thanking him, I mentioned trying to project the emotional valence of just about every word or phrase that I use. As well as employing purposeful pauses. (Many moons ago, as a novice starting in radio, getting speech lessons from a theatre actress definitely helped.)

4. Short and Smart but also Silly or Sly. Clearly, so many try to employ or simply enjoy humor as it helps grab attention, may facilitate social bonding, or defuse interpersonal tension; and a good laugh relieves stress. As many humor students have noted, laughing with gusto is like turning your body into a big vibrator, giving vital organs a brief but hardy internal massage…talk about a “short and smart” message! (Of course, in addition to healing or harmonizing humor there’s the hostile variety. Darn, now I may need to start an Alliterations Anonymous group as well.) And when your message can both quickly, and mostly gently, poke fun of cultural icons while helping us knowingly laugh at our own flaws and foibles…well that’s one desirable if not delicious KISS. Consider the opening lines of the Stress Doc’s Stress Rap:

When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?

Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?

And it’s not just men so proud and tight lipped

For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette!

As I once penned, People are less defensive and more open to a serious message gift-wrapped with humor!

5. Be Surprising and Provocative. For some, a message that’s both short and smart may seem contradictory if not oxymoronic. Actually, as noted in Part I with Twain's quote, when you place “short and smart” content in a quick and unexpected package you basically have captured the definition of thought-provoking "wit." Practice Safe Stress anyone?

Or consider this provocative short story. I recall a government agency alienating a number of its administrative staff by not eliciting their input regarding a change process directly impacting the employees' day-to-day document processing operations. First, I helped management acknowledge their major misstep. People were grieving the loss of the familiar, also needing to express appropriate frustration with top-down and exclusive decision-making. There definitely was a dark cloud sense of loss of control, if not feeling devalued as meaningful team members. Fortunately, my suggestion to hold a "Forms Funeral" (catch the alliteration?) – whereby folks could eulogize some of the old and share their concerns about the new, combined with management committing to a more participatory operational culture – proved to be the pass in the impasse!

Closing Summary

This essay illustrates a variety ways of enabling your KISS-message to be “Short and Smart”...and also compelling:

1. Acronyms: KISS and TMJ

2. Analogy: The Splendid Splinter and Tree of Life

3. Alliteration and Rhyme: Burnout Battlefront and Walk the Talk

4. Short and Smart but also Silly or Sly: Shrink Rap and Rambo and Rambette

5. Be Surprising and Provocative: Practice Safe Stress and Forms Funeral Story

Whether using pithy poetic-like nicknames or phrases or sharing passionately purposeful short stories, your reputation as a persuasive KISSer will precede you. All I can say is...Amen and Women to that!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as a "Motivational Psychohumorist & Communication Catalyst." Stress Doc programs help an audience "Get FIT"– by being FUN, Interactive, and Thought-provoking. The Doc is a Training and Stress Resilience Consultant for TrainingPros and The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group. He has also led “"Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Humor, and Team Building" leadership retreats for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap. .  The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet.  His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).

With his singular wit and wisdom, real world tools, and especially his surprising and engaging small group exercises, the Doc encourages participants to "go for it."  Audiences develop skills and strategies for unleashing dynamic energy and reducing status barriers. Learn to purposely inspire and collaborate with others. As SHRM and IPMA-HR Program Chairs noted, Mark has a way of captivating an audience and makes them want to hear more...Take a passionate and creative ride with the Stress Doc!

How to Talk to the Bully: Disarming Workplace Bullying

Prologue:  As many of you know, when I write about bullying or trauma in general it comes from my personal well, including several years of childhood bully trauma:  stricken by shame, taunted by peers but mostly stalked by my own lurking fear and helplessness, a constant struggle to concentrate, unaware of my smoldering depression, subliminal rage, and omnipresent mask.  Then there was the nuclear tension and family secrets (e.g., a father's hidden fifteen years of shock therapy.  In such a closeted  environment, one learns to stuff all kinds of emotions, even terror, until you can't.)  With the help of Army Basic Training, my Social Work graduate studies, and a lot of therapy, I survived and developed some important self-awareness and vital emotional muscles.  As an adult, my bully learning lab was "hazardous duty" experience, especially doing stress, conflict, violence prevention, and team building consulting with such major government agencies as the US Postal Service, National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Department of Commerce. 

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The subject of bullying and animal types came up several times this week:  from a divorce process involving a psychologically battering spouse and his "shark" attorney to a woman watching a friend's dog "bully" her own dog while caring for this "mad dog."  (My dogie endearment term.  Already fed, the guest canine would still snarl at my friend's pet while he was trying to eat.  She realized her dog was hardly eating and started feeding the two in separate rooms.)  My friend's household observation eventually triggered a conceptual bridge to and discussion around "bullying in the workplace."  Perhaps at a later date I'll share our program development thoughts, but for now let me provide a subjective definition:

A bully is an individual who has a need to dominate others along with an extreme, self-centered craving for control, especially of others for whom they feel a sense of threat or envy.

This dominant or aggressive pattern often is cultivated by being bullied or abused in one's family or in a peer group.  Of course, this environment models intimidation as a problem-solving tool of choice.  And once a pattern of success is achieved through bullying, an individual may simply enjoy the power and dopamine boost of seeing others squirm under his or her literal or figurative thumb.

Conversely, bullying behavior can arise from the smoldering rage and insecurity of feeling abandoned or of being invisible in a family; or perhaps seeing oneself and being labeled as a "lower class" cultural outsider or outcast.  The bully may be quick to feel insulted or disrespected.  Subsequent aggressive behavior often reflects a wounded sense of self.  Which, not surprisingly, leads to the following dynamic:

The bully often physically or psychologically intimidates others as a way of boosting their own vulnerable sense of self.  In addition, the bully process helps to distract from their own insecurity and self-loathing or to deny a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Here are five basic reasons why bullies have power over us:

a) Bully's Status -- they have the role, stature, and clout to inflict physical and/or psychological (including economic or career advancement) harm; to demean and diminish our social position, prestige, and power; such individuals may feel entitled to special treatment or immunity (e.g., "too big to fail" mentality); the bully also may play down his or her hostile actions and see the other as overly sensitive,

b) Superior-Subordinate Culture -- we have been raised in a family or culture that deems it wrong, bad, or disrespectful to talk back to people who are senior or in position of authority; tradition and convention are upheld on a rigid, "sacred cow" (another quiet bully animal?) pedestal.  Consider the "Stress Doc's Law of the Loyalty Loop and Lock":  Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer,"

c) Ineffective Leadership -- especially in the workplace, but also in other educational or social settings, people in authority roles do not want to tackle the bully, whether from fear or because these individuals do not want to be bothered with the necessary "disciplinary paperwork."  Such leaders do not perceive the demoralizing potential of bullying, and/or try to ignore or isolate the problematic individual; (would you downplay, disregard, or simply isolate a serious virus in your computer?).  Alas, there are times when those in authority allow bullying or use the bully as overt or covert agents of aggression to send a message to the targeted individual(s), along with other team members. 

d) Learned Helplessness -- our own long-standing "learned helplessness," seeing ourselves as ineffective, including gripped by high anxiety and feelings of shame; we possess limited assertive conflict-problem solving communication skills; perhaps we have had role models who too believed they possessed low self-control, or we feel disconnected from potential allies; too often, this individual sees himself as helpless in the face of victimization or not worthy of self-defense,

e) Difficulty Asking for Help -- the bullied individual may have limited access to trustworthy adults who could become coaches in his corner; more likely he is afraid and ashamed to acknowledge feelings of terror or vulnerability, especially when a family motto is, "God helps those who help themselves!"  As targets, sometimes we can't conceive of people behaving in such a hostile or cruel manner and are left speechless, in a state of shock.  Remember, while there may be some risk in asking for help, it usually is much less destructive on your mind-body than any imagined retribution; alas, the perceived humiliation of asking for help is only outdone by the actual agony of suffering in silence.

Confronting Bullying:  Five Strategic Tools, Techniques, and Tips

Now that we have a definition of bullying and the psychosocial conditions that encourage this demeaning, power-driven, and manipulative process, our final segment...How to engage and set limits on the bully and bullying interaction:

Ø  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations

Ø  Be Courageously Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors

Ø  Announce an Intention to Bring in a Third Party

Ø  Facilitated Confrontation or Conflict Mediation

Ø  Purposefully Walk Away to Fight Another Day

1.  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations.  Consider these three vignettes.

a) I recall being hired by a business owner for a technical writing project.  Once again he was criticizing my effort with a condescending and dismissive tone.  I finally protested, with perhaps a bit too much emotion:  "I don't mind specific negative feedback but globally dismissing my work; I don't buy it."  In fact, I mustered up some poise using an "I" message, not blurting out a blaming "You're just a bully."  I have not worked for him since, but the absence of that gnawing, self-berating angst, that toxic voice in my head -- "Why didn't you speak up!" -- is almost priceless.

b) Then there was a time years back when a Type A owner of a word processing company, (a former New Yawka, like myself) challenged me with, "How am I supposed to know what to do if you can't give instructions?  (Definitely an attacking "you" message there.)  My response was both verbal and nonverbal:  While tactfully declaring, "I'm not so sure," I also straightened my posture, held up one hand, palm facing her, (this was not a signal to "talk to the hand") while slightly elevating my voice.  Though verbally diplomatic, the gestalt of the message was, "That aggressive attitude and tone was not acceptable; it must stop."  And she did modify her counter:  "Well if there's a problem, it takes two."  And certainly when I'm in a hyper mode, I can't always be sure of the airtight accuracy of my instructions.  I smartly said, "I can live with that."  I wanted to maintain a working relationship as she did good work; I didn't need to puncture her ego nor prove I was right.

c) Finally, the coaching client who had been beaten down verbally and emotionally by her spouse over many years, stated her goal just before she and her soon-to-be-ex were meeting with their lawyers before a judge:  "I no longer want to be intimidated by him."  I immediately challenged this declaration.  "That's a longer term goal.  Right now you have to assemble a really competent and aggressive team, especially a battle-tested attorney, who will fight for your interests."

Closing

I will introduce the remaining four interventions as separate essays.  Up next:  "Be Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors."  Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A former psychotherapist, “The Doc” is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service and is a recognized Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing expert.  The Stress Doc is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Phone Coaching Strategy: Defusing a Volatile, Know-It-All Director and Anti-Bullying Program

Let me help you turn a stressful and conflict-ridden world around with a FREE 15 minute consultation and one 30 or 60 minute coaching session.  Here’s the second rapid (30 min) coaching turn-around in two weeks.  (Each had read one of my burnout articles.)  Please email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567 ™.  Let our work together help you:  a) generate new perspective, b) gain focus and energy, c) stop beating yourself down, d) feel more in control, and e) leave the phone session with an action plan, actual disarming phrases to say, as well as more confidence and hope.  Also, do share this with friends, family, and colleagues.  Thanks,

Mark
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Phone Coaching Strategy:  Defusing a Volatile, Know-It-All Director

From Denver to Brisbane Australia.  That’s where my half-hour Conflict Phone Coaching Sessions have taken me these past two weeks.  The first was with an owner of a small web development company, unsure how to handle a whining, demanding, and self-centered, yet “rainmaking,” sales person.  One half-hour coaching session had her refocused and reenergized, more confident on setting boundaries on this “bully.”  And this week with an Australian architect, born in Malaysia, who has five directors to whom she reports, but mostly is under the micromanaging thumb of the son of the owner of the firm.  The son is quick to pass critical judgment, while never at fault himself.  While she has a good relationship with the father, he basically ignores N’s signals for help.  And N has just received a verbal warning for yelling back at the son in the heat of a drawing board battle.

One time, a work efficiency consultant was brought in to assess the office climate.  However, her recommendations were ignored.  N accepted my conclusion that, when all levels of a system are enabling or actively contributing to dysfunction, and you lack resources to check the toxic environment, in the long run, for the sake of mind-body-spirit health, there is little option other than leaving the firm.  Not surprisingly this work triangle (father-son-N) was analogous to her home triangle – intimidating mother-somewhat passive, conflict-averse father, and N who, while somewhat suppressed in the family, was angrily acting out at school, especially as a teen.

Short-Term Survival Strategy

However, a short-term strategy emerged.  And the tip off was when N said she hates to “back down” with the son.  Clearly past ghosts and echoes were swirling and ringing, compromising an ability to more purposefully and productively manage this “stress carrier.”  (And you know the definition of a “stress carrier”:  Someone who doesn’t get ulcers just gives them!)

As I suspected, his aggressiveness was bringing out in N “You”-message reactiveness:  “You don’t let anyone get a word in,” “All you do is criticize others; you never look in the mirror,” “It’s your fault,” etc.  I told her the trick was to not let the son’s venom stay in her system.  (I reminded her that you need to suck the venom out; but don’t spit it in his face, more by his shoe.)  At the same time she needed to avoid hissing and biting back while professionally standing up for her integrity.  As soon as she sensed the two were into their vicious spiral, she needed to say, “I don’t want this to result in more verbal battling and yelling.  Can we discuss an issue professionally, each of us expressing their views in a civil manner?  If not, then I will walk away.  Perhaps we can try again over the phone in thirty minutes.”  N is not allowing herself to be baited; she’s cooling off her own “hot button.”

I helped N realize that her “hot button” was not just conflicting architectural perspective with this bully.  That was more the tip of the iceberg.  The real heat was from the volcanic memories with her intimidating mother, her passive father and the “family” context” once again being played out in this firm.

Closing Note

As N wrote in a follow-up email:  Thanks for the invoice.  I enjoyed the discussion, too. It's managed to take the edge off how I feel about the situation. I can focus on managing the situation rather than just being consumed by the problem.  N seems more confident that she won’t bring along nearly as much of her baggage to the next firm.  Certainly N is on the path of distancing herself from this dysfunctional system and of…Practicing Safe Stress!
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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet – Personal Exploration and Workplace Intervention:  Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying

 

Bullying...it’s not just for school yards and lunch rooms; it’s increasingly found in offices and work-floors, and, of course, in cyberspace.  And workplace bullying, too, has seriously disruptive and damaging effects and consequences.  Bullying doesn’t just adversely impact an individual…when ignored or downplayed, it creates a climate of fear (“Where’s is leadership?”) and self-blame or shame that, like a virus, eats away at respect for leaders, individual and team trust and coordination, organizational performance and morale.  And there often is a communal wall of silence around this issue.  It’s way past time for “Workplace Bullying” to “Come Out of the Closet”!

 

And Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc will help us take off the blinders and shed light on this critical and controversial subject.  The Doc draws on years of experience as a: a) Psychotherapist (as well as a “Psychohumorist” ™ ;-), b) Crisis, Hazardous Workplace, and Critical Incident Consultant (including being a Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service), c) Stress Resilience-Team Building Speaker, Consultant, Workshop/Retreat Leader for the US Army, e) author of Practices Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap, and e) his own powerful memories being bullied as a child and young teen.  Through a mix of poignant and energizing lecture, as well as thought-provoking and fun group exercises, all will have a better grasp of:

 

1) Workplace Culture, the Bullying Process, and Basic Definitions

2) “The Bullying Process” Behavior Patterns of both “The Bully” and “The Bullied”
3) The Four Faces of Anger Model for Transforming Rage and Hostility into Passion and Assertion
4) Defusing Power Struggles & Aggressors:  Assertive Communication-Negotiation Skills
5) Workplace Action Steps for “Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process”

Outline/Objectives

A.  Workplace Culture & the Bullying Process:  Overview
B.  Bullying Definitions and Derivations
C.  Bullying Process Practices & Environments:  Dynamic Dozen
D.  Bullying Personalities and the Bullying Processes:  Dynamic Dozen
E.  Warning Signs:  The Bully’s Behavior Patterns
F.  Warning Signs:  The Bullied’s Behavior Patterns
G.  Anger Dynamics and The Bullying Process
H.  Assertive Communication-Conflict Negotiation Skills
I.   Initial Bully Process Intervention
J.  Transforming Burnout, Loss & Grief and Creative Expression Skills
K. Out of the Closet & Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process:   Action Steps

Don’t miss your Appointment with the Stress Doc:

It’s time for all to “Come Out of the Bullying Closet!”

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, The Stress Doc ™
stressdoc@aol.com<>www.stressdoc.com
301-875-2567
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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet:  Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying Program is based on the Doc’s:

a. long-recognized expertise as a Stress & Change Resilience and Critical Incident – Grief & Trauma – Debriefing Consultant, Inspiring Speaker, Workshp/Retreat Leader, Group/Team Facilitator; Stress Doc Program help audiences “Get FIT” by being FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking; over twenty years as a private practice psychotherapist

b.  decades experience as a Stress & Violence Consultant for the US Postal Service and a Stress Resilience-Humor-Tean Building Retreat Leader for various military units at Ft. Hood, TX; workshops at Ft. Meade, MD, etc.; working on a project with Celena Flowers, Community Services/Family Advocacy Manager at Ft. Meade (celena.flowers@us.army.mil);

c.  ten years Adjunct Asst Professor at Tulane University School of Social Work teaching graduate level course on "Crisis Intervention and Brief Treatment"

d. books, The Four Faces of Anger – Model & Method:  Transforming Anger, Rage, and Conflict and

Practice Safe Stress:  Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression,

e. 20+ years experience as a “Psychohumorist” ™ pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music, Shrink Rap ™ Productions,

f. ground-breaking children’s lyrics and “Resiliency Raps” on “Bullying,” “Family Dynamics/Family Communication,” (email stressdoc@aol.com to view the lyrics/raps; he is the self-described Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages),

g. “The Stress Doc’s ™ Stress Resiliency and Brain Agility Formula for Natural SPEED – Sleep-Priorities/Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet and, most important,

h. own personal experience being bullied as a child and young teen for too many years.

The program can be expanded or streamlined to meet audience needs and logistics; it may also be adapted as a workshop series.
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