There are several ways to enhance listening effectiveness, especially when engaged in a complex or emotional exchange. A fundamental technique is "Active Listening." Here's an acronym to help transform less than attentive or self-centered listening into clear, concise and compassionate communication. Are you ready to revive a give and take relationship; are you ready to be an assertive and empathic communicator; are you ready to practice CPR and S?
Key CPRS Components of "Active Listening":
C. Clarification and (Be) Concise
a. Clarification. Clarification involves asking the other party to provide more information, to elaborate upon a statement or answer specific questions. A clarification attempt is not an inquisitorial, "WHY did you do that?" It's more a recognition that something is not clear; perhaps the listener has some confusion and desires more information, again, for better understanding. And clarification should not be the springboard to a harsh or blaming "You"-message and/or a dismissive judgment, e.g., "You're wrong" or "You don't really believe that, do you!" A much better response is, "I disagree," "I see it differently" or "My data says otherwise."
Asking questions that gives the other party a chance to speak his or her mind (and if desired, to also speak from the heart) defines another “c”-word – concern. Yet showing empathy doesn't mean there isn't room for difference. As I like to say, "Acknowledgement does not necessarily mean Agreement." That is, a communicator can both listen attentively and respectfully and after taking in the message share his or her differing and even “troubled-with-what-I’m-hearing” perspective.
b. (Be) Concise. I believe over-talking or rambling on, especially when the communicator is basically conveying the same message over and over, is a dis-ease of epidemic proportions. Perhaps I’m hypersensitive: as a professional speaker I know the importance of keeping messages clear, brief and to the point. Occasionally, I repeat a phrase purposefully for emphasis. I immediately see two parts to this communicational excess: 1) the egotist who believes he is enlightening the world with his never-ending pearls and 2) an insecure communicator faced with the absence of immediate acknowledgement from his or her audience keeps trying to get the original message across (and likely audience approval), sometimes through repetition, sometimes through telling another story. My suggestion: in the latter scenario, stop trying so hard; better to find the pass in the impasse by asking, “Am I being clear?” And don’t put the burden on the other with, “Do you understand?” (Of course, a mature message receiver knows to provide some kind of responsive – verbal or nonverbal – feedback.)
P. Paraphrase and Pause
a. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing involves repeating the other's message in the person's words or in your own distillation, to affirm, "Message sent is message received." Sometimes, especially if a sender has conveyed a significant amount of information or complex instructions, it's wise to say, "I know I just said a lot. Would you paraphrase back what you heard?" Again, the motive is not to catch the other but to have both parties on the same page.
b. Pause. In a "T n T" (Time- and Task-driven) world, communicators often feel they have to cram in the info as time is limited. Providing people with a lengthy, seemingly endless laundry list almost assures that key issues and ideas will be lost in the verbiage. Learning to pause, to segment or chunk your message helps the receiver catch the gist without fumbling the ideas, intentions or implications. (The communicational analogy might be writing concisely, using short and to the point paragraphs.) Momentary breaks from the back and forth also allow the parties to ponder and posit new possibilities. Now active listening may morph into creative listening.
R. Reaction vs. Response and Reflect Feelings
a. Reaction vs. Response. Reactive listening usually occurs when you feel threatened or angry and then immediately engage in a counterargument (covert or verbalized). Unbiased or flexible listening has ended. Upon sensing an opening, for example, perceived inconsistency or irrationality in the message, you reject or talk over the message and basically dismiss the messenger. Or, some end a contentious listening process with a quick and reactive retreat: "You've hurt me" or "You made me upset" and the receiver vacates the communicational field and avoids an honest exchange. (Clearly, if one party is being abusive, and it does not feel safe to voice your position, then retreating is a wise strategy.) In contrast, a response often blends both head and heart and involves the use of an "I" message: "I'm concerned about what I'm hearing" or "I sense there's a problem. Is my assessment on target?" An “I”-message response is the opposite of a wildly emotional or knee-“jerk” reaction; it takes personal responsibility for both receiving and giving feedback. Shifting from blaming "You" messages to assertive and empathic "I"s transforms a defensive reaction into a reasoned response. So "count to ten and check within."
b. Reflect Feelings (Tentatively)/Reveal Feelings (Appropriately). To reflect someone's feelings means to lightly or kindly ask about or to acknowledge overt or underlying feelings that are attached to the other party's communication. A tentative or tactful approach is often best: "I know you are on board, still it sounds like you may have some frustration with the decision. Care to discuss it?" Sometimes you may not know what the other is feeling. Instead of trying to guess or saying, "Gee you must be angry," if you want to comment, better to say, "When I've been in a similar situation, I found myself becoming…" (Be careful; don't suddenly shift the focus and make yourself the center of the conversation.) And then pause; give the other person time to respond or not. Also, especially regarding the emotional component of messages, both listening and looking for verbal and nonverbal cues – voice tone and volume, facial and other bodily gestures, for example, lowered head and eyes or arms crossed over the chest – will facilitate more accurate reflection or discretion.
S. Strategize and Summarize
a. Strategize. Strategic listening takes active listening to a next level. The goal is more than awareness and empathy. Now you want to invite the other to engage in a mutual, problem-solving dance. Common and disparate, structured and spontaneous ideas and emotions as well as goals and objectives are freely shared, akin to a brainstorming. Though in this strategic interplay give and take questioning for understanding and for triggering imaginative possibilities is encouraged. The purpose of such strategic back and forth is "synergy" – a sharing-listening-sharing dialogic loop yielding an expanded understanding: the consciousness whole is greater than the sum of the communicational parts.
b. Summarize. Finally, you are ready to review and pull together such problem-solving elements as mutual agreements, outstanding differences -- factual as well as emotional -- broad strategies and action plans to be executed (including the parties responsible for implementation), time frames, ongoing monitoring or interim report back and follow-up procedures. And depending on the communicational context, a written summary is often advisable.In the spirit of walking the talk, here's a succinct summary of the "Keys to Active or CPRS Listening":
Clarification – clear up confusion and foster greater understanding without passing premature judgment
(Be) Concise – keep messages clear, brief and to the point; beware egotistical or insecure rambling
Paraphrase – two-way repeating or distilling of the message so that "message sent is message received"
Pause – take time to chunk your message, allowing the other to get the gist and ponder possibilities
Reaction vs. Response – "count to ten, check within" to respond with assertive "I"s not blaming "You"s
Reflect/Reveal Feelings – tactful questioning or sharing acknowledges self/other and invites exchange
Strategize – generate mutual listening-sharing loop for both idea generation and insightful imagination
Summarize – review and record agreements, unresolved differences and future problem-solving steps.
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant, and is America Online's "Online Psychohumorist"™. Speaking clients include Cleveland Clinic, MITRE Corporation, Sonoma County, CA, Govt. Managers Conference, and the Montana Public Health Service. Currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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Federal Asian Pacific American Council (FAPAC)
2009 Annual Conference
[1.5 hour A leader's Greatest Gift -- TLCs: Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration for 100+ attendees]
May 18, 2009
Good afternoon,
Greetings from Seoul, Korea. Yes, I really enjoyed your TLC workshop. I would like to participate in any available and/or future workshops. Do you have any site/locations and POC for Seoul, Korea? I am working at the US Embassy in Seoul and I know others can benefit from the “TLC Program.” Thank you and look forward to hearing from you.
Young Mroczkowski
Legal Attache Office – FBIUS Embassy,
Seoul, Korea
MroczkowskiY@state.gov
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NOAA/National Weather Service
[1.5 hour "Creatively Managing Stress and Conflict through Interactive Humor" Program for 120 Diversity Managers, Counselors and Team Reps]
U.S. Dept of CommerceNational Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, MD 20910-3283
May 8, 2009
Dear Mark:
On behalf of the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management, I want to thank you once again for your participation at the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management Training Summit in Atlanta. GA on April 28, 2009. The Summit was a success. The presentation you provided was well-received. It lifted their spirits and gave them an opportunity to laugh and learn how to release any tension they may have been feeling. Your training style is very engaging. On behalf of the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management, thank you.
Sincerely,
Charly Wells, Director
NWS Office of Equal Opportunity & Diversity Management
Charly.Wells@noaa.gov
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