I recently came across the term “emotional agility”
in a workshop promotion. Of course
“Emotional Intelligence” is an industry buzzword and “emotional resilience”
frequently appears in my stress and wellness readings, but this phrase seemed
new. Agility makes me think of those
fresh-faced female Olympic gymnasts – (nimble, supple, alert, swift, responsive,
daring, etc.) – along with bygone days of bodysurfing at Jones Beach and
scrambling up red rock in Sedona, AZ.
And while the body of late is a bit more creaky and clumsy, I still can
conjure a heart that sings and a mind that dances, (and sometimes too a body
that gyrates, see below) even when the invitation is sudden and unexpected. Of course, it helps to have a vulnerable yet
courageous, genuine and risk-taking partner, especially when minds and moods
start swinging. Perhaps most important,
though, such head- and heart-felt agility may quickly open you to powerful
sharing and emotional intimacy, especially in the face of psychological binds
and barriers. Consider this brief and
intense yet poignant – “death and life” –
encounter.
Exuberance was still in the air as government employees and
managers filed out of a half-day “Building Stress Resiliency” class. Throughout the program, the interactive
energy and open, thoughtful peer engagement had been on display. Now I was feeling a bit high after a closing,
full blast rendition of “The Stress Doc’s Shrink Rap” ™. Bouncing around in Blues Brothers hat and
black sunglasses, while arrhythmically shaking my black tambourine had initially
generated a number of startled looks and gaping mouths. But upon “wrapping up,” almost all would
agree that even the most analytical, legal, and technical minds (actually, the
predominant mindsets in the room) had been delightfully (and thoughtfully)
aroused and tickled. And the sharp
lyrics reverberated across several generations.
(Email stressdoc@aol.com for the lyrics.)
Naturally, I got the biggest laugh when I followed the hearty clapping
with, “I’ve been doing this long enough.
I know when an audience is applauding out of
relief!”
Pairing witty yet wise lyrics with unabashedly
awkward yet enthusiastic gyrations reminds me of a distinction between wit (saying funny things) and humor (saying things in a funny way) and
demonstrates some kind of bihemispheric brain flexibility. And another sign of cognitive-affective
agility, one I’ve been practicing for a good while with varying degrees of
success, is rapidly shifting emotional gears – having a playful message spring
from a serious conceptual underpinning or slyly inserting some double-edged
humor in a pointed statement. But let me
return to our workshop setting and an imminent challenge: demonstrating emotional agility without humor
as a clutch or crutch.
Turning On an Emotional
Dime
As is customary after a program I was about ready to
decompress when, out of the “feel good” haze, a gentleman perhaps in his early
fifties, of slight, yet lean and compact build, standing erect, with a neat and
close cropped haircut, the last attendee in the room, approached with a
troubling question. During the workshop,
I had mentioned working with the military.
With a serious and somber look and tone, this father shared that his son,
six months ago, had committed suicide, a year after coming back from a tour of
duty in Afghanistan. He also
acknowledged that his son had been diagnosed as
manic-depressive.
A palpable sigh and nodding head was my immediate
reaction and attempt at some humble “Despite my experience, I’m not sure I can
fully fathom the depth of your pain” connection. I eventually acknowledged that suicide has
become a big concern for the military, especially the
Army.
Before I could ask how he was doing, he shared that
he was struggling with an issue. Before
his son’s death and for a while afterward, he had been attending the Army’s
Wounded Warrior rehabilitation and resocialization program. An administrator in the WW program observed
how this government examiner and his family had courageously grappled with the
loss of their son. The Administrator
recently asked the father if he’d be willing to counsel other soldiers (and, I
assume, other families).
The father’s conflict mirrored my own; however, his
eyes also radiated some alarm.
Initially, he focused on the fear of saying the wrong thing when
counseling someone in the grip of pain and torment. He didn’t want to be responsible for…the rest
of the sentence was left unspoken.
(Surely this fear was colored by his son’s
actions.)
The Logical, the Psychological, and the
Experimental
There was a logical side of my brain that wanted to
share, “This is a common fear, and usually unfounded. If you are ever uncertain about your feelings
or unsure about what to say, just trust your heart and gut, for example: ‘I
can’t imagine or I don’t know what to say.
Or, I don’t know if this is the same situation, and I’m not trying to
give advice, more just sharing my perspective, but when such and such happened
to me (or us) this is what I experienced, or this is how I felt, this is what I
wanted to do, this is what I finally did, etc.’” Sometimes emotional agility is as much
knowing what not to say (or when not to say it) as it is using a clever retort
or felicitous phrase.
Like the WW Administrator, my gut told me this man
had a lot of hard-earned empathy and wisdom that truly could be of value to
others. I was also associating to how my
girlfriend fairly quickly joined and then, eventually, became a group leader at
her local chapter of “The Compassionate Friends” when her 19 year old daughter
died suddenly in a car accident. This
parent and siblings support group enabled her to hold on, even if just barely,
to her shredded life and fragile sanity.
However, the psychological part of me knew this dad
needed more time and help, which was confirmed when he dug a little deeper. Now he acknowledged not knowing if he was
ready to dredge up once more all the painful feelings of the last
year-and-a-half. (Also, in a later
discussion with my girlfriend, she shared that “The Compassionate Friends”
wanted peer leaders to wait at least two years before assuming a group
facilitator role. Of course, the
military may well be in “crisis” mode regarding its need for people to help
staff and support the Wounded Warriors
project.)
Thinking on my feet, my intent was not to help this
gentleman make a final decision about the counseling role. Instead, I suggested he speak to a WW
professional, one who would truly listen to the concerns he had shared with
me. I reiterated, “This person’s goal
must not be to ultimately convince you to become a volunteer. Let them know you need an ear, someone who
will help you continue to grapple with your loss while enabling you to sort out
the emotional pros and cons of such a poignant
decision.”
I truly believe by sharing and reliving his story,
his personal and family pain, in a safe setting with a knowledgeable and
concerned guide, this father’s “grief ghosts” will be less haunting, his
emotional highs and lows less disorienting, and his son’s spirit will more
comfortably reside within.
Finally, I had one more idea: if after a period of personal coaching and
reflection gnawing questions lingered, he could try the counseling as a pilot
project – perhaps for a month. Then, in
consultation with a WW professional, both parties could assess his comfort and
confidence levels.
He acknowledged not having considered a trial run. Now, his heartfelt words of thanks, but
especially his softened eyes and body posture, said this father had a newfound
sense of possibility if not direction.
Closing
Summary
When
intense emotional issues are many-layered if not convoluted, and time is limited
and information gathering is constrained, ironically, it’s often critical to
move deliberately yet carefully. A
helper, coach, or guide may need to hold off providing a direct answer, no
matter how worthy or determined the petitioner.
Sometimes emotional agility means exercising restraint, as in resisting
the urge to provide quick advice or questionable reassurance. Even in the face of a compelling request, it
might be wise to forego “bending over backwards” or making a dramatic, overly
self-assured “liberation leap” – whether of faith or ideas – into a realm of
illusive promises. (And, of course,
beware the savior role motivated by a need to erase your own
personal-psychological tension or unhappiness in the guise of rescuing
another.)
There are circumstances when the best a concerned party or coach can do
is to outline a time- and goal-focused passageway that holds out some
possibility for greater tolerance of angst or acute uncertainty. However, with some flicker of hope in that
proverbial dark, subterranean cave, the aggrieved will often begin to crawl
upward and outward; with each step, now a growing luminosity further energizes
personal commitment to challenge discouraging voices and pursue mind-expanding
resources. Finally, a true seeker just
may perceive light if not dawning enlightenment traversing a twisting and turning head-, heart-, and
soul-searching labyrinth. To quote the
inspiring words of the pioneering medical scientist, Jonas Salk: Evolution is about getting up one more time
than you fall down; being courageous one more time than being fearful; trusting
just one more time than being anxious.
Of course, that “one more time” may seem quite daunting. A humble more than heroic intervention may
only invite the questioner to explore a rocky yet potentially rewarding “road
less traveled.” The climb is invariably
steep, slippery, and unsteady, yet vital for developing such emotional muscles
as endurance, strength, frustration tolerance, mind-body-spirit balance,
resilience, and agility. Continuing the
battle on this “trial and error” (and sometimes, alas, “trial and terror”) path
helps evolve a sense of competence, confidence and, perhaps, hard-earned
wisdom. Now, with healing time, there
may be the gradual embrace of life’s great tragedies as well as our own small
but meaningful triumphs. For precious
moments we may quiet those mind-roiling fears, flaws, and “Intimate FOE”s – Fear of Exposure; perhaps there’s even a
possibility of gently cradling and blowing new life into one of our
heart-rending “failures.” As I once
penned:
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the painTo transform the fire to burning desire!
Personal
Reflection
Why did I write this essay? Some voice in my head, some echo in my heart
wanted this encounter to live beyond its five minute lifespan. This courageous man challenged me to move
beyond my own self-absorption; and he helped bring out parts of me – both head
and heart – that I most value. I am
grateful that this gentleman perceived me as a person he could entrust with his
wounded heart. Writing enables me to
bring to life this extra-ordinary encounter, to depict and share the delicacy
and complexity of the moment – two men grappling with meaning, memory, and that
fine line between giving of and to one’s
self. Hopefully, this essay also
conveys a notion of agility that animates the words of the acclaimed
20th novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald, along with the sentiments of
numerous other artists and scientists:
The test of a first-rate
intelligence is the capacity to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same
time and still retain the ability to function.
For example, one should see things as hopeless yet be determined to make
them otherwise…especially by reaching out from a precarious limb to another
individual both knowledgeable and also willing to humbly accept his own limits
and vulnerability.
Words to inspire emotional agility and to help one
and all…Practice Safe
Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The
Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker,
is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist
& Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring
and FUN programs for both government agencies and major
corporations. A training and Critical
Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company,
Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading
“Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed
Services. Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The
Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite"
-- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by
National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's programs or to
receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.
