When the Worst that Could Happen Is Actually the Best Thing

The Stress Doc illustrates a creative problem-solving process for turning despair into new determination, even daring.

When the Worst that Could Happen Is Actually the Best Thing

When my architect friend heard that I had left all the preliminary sketches of my intricate verbal/visual-spatial Mandala Model 2.0 on an interstate bus, her immediate reaction was, “Oh, s_ _t.”  (See Linked-In or Facebook or email stressdoc@aol.com for the essay “Mandala Vision.”)  Mine was even stronger:  “Oh, d_ _k!”

All those hours of work over the course of a week– drawing a multi-octagonal structure with its interconnected web of triangles, choosing and precisely positioning psychological concepts related to creativity and intimacy – down the brain drain.  How would I ever recreate my final draft, especially with different iterations hiding in the subterranean shadows adding to the confusion?  I wasn’t just frustrated; I was feeling helpless, experiencing a real sense of loss.

The Function of Funk or The Funk in Funktion

Not unlike when I inadvertently delete an important document that hasn’t been properly saved.  This happens frequently enough, you’d think I’d be inured to the “disaster.”  But no, each time there is that stab of panic – what will I do now?  And then gloom begins to descend.  Alas, I must allow myself to be in a funk, if I’m eventually to find the key that reopens the trunk.  I try to remember the Stress Doc aphorism:

There’s a real difference between “feeling sorry for yourself” and “feeling your sorrow.”  When you are feeling sorry for yourself you often or mostly blame others.  When feeling your sorrow, you have the courage to face your pain and self-blame.  Alas, there are times when we all need to face, even more, embrace our sorrow.  And that choice to be courageous, to lick my wounds, to accept my human flaws and foibles, helps me turn the corner, helps me come out from under the cover.

The Power of External Loss and Inside-Out Living and Wilding

In fact, having allowed myself to grieve, I’m beginning to see a glimmer at the end of the mind tunnel.  As French-Algerian writer/philosopher, Albert Camus, noted:  Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.  In fact, I’m not just seeing light but, wait, a different light source!  Can one really go from dark to light to enlightenment???  I suspect it’s often a well-trod, persistent yet, ironically, pedestrian path that leads to surprise and discovery.  As acclaimed 18^th c. French author, Gustave Flaubert, observed:  Live your life like a bourgeois…so your heart and mind can run wild!

Learning Tips, Tools and Techniques

So, what have I specifically learned about breaking through the brain fog-clog?  Let me count three ways:

1.  Good Grief.  Going through a grief process (with or without actual tears), is like “braino” for unclogging or jump-starting a seemingly jammed or inert mind.  Grief turns frustration into “thrustration” – when you’re torn between thrusting ahead with direct action and frustration…you don’t know if you can retrieve let alone reassemble the puzzle pieces.  However, this mental/emotional tension primes your subconscious mind.

2. Staying with and Breaking Away. If you stay with the rumbling and gurgling, both listening to the inner whisperings and occasionally breaking away, taking a walk, a nap, briefly playing a video game, etc. – taking an incubation vacation – so that you can continue to let the braino work. Bringing fresh eyes and mind turns a poignant problem into a pregnant one. Now…you just might recognize, if not hatch, a new perspective. Purposeful tension helps percolate ideas and images from the recesses of your psyche. As I recently penned: Laser angst focuses the mind…carving new images on the horizon!

3.  From Letting Go to Letting Flow.  It doesn’t mean you will suddenly have this mind-shattering, Aha!  But you start feeling less despairing and more determined; even beginning to show a touch of daring.  Hey, I can rebuild and maybe even generate some new connections, new possibilities.  That “one right way” is being exposed as an impostor.  Now flow is what you know!  And a richer and wiser Mandala 2.0 is the outcome.  Like I said:  When the Worst that Could Happen Is Actually the Best Thing!  Amen and women to that!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  Current Leadership Coach/Training Consultant for the international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University at the Daytona, FL headquarters.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  Presently Mark does Critical Incident Debriefing for organizational/corporate clients of Business Health Services.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Space-Time Travelers and Lovers: The Path of Letting Go

For well over a year, I have been smoldering about the end of my ten-year, long-distance relationship, and especially, how I was blocked by both mother and, IMHO, indirectly by “Nana,” from having any further connection with my ex’s granddaughter.  I was crazy about this little girl, doting upon her with undivided attention, creative-playful energy, and unconditional love.  Lil Charlotte has been remembered and celebrated in word and song.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com for a Charlotte sampler.)  And she (or a symbolic representation) adorns the cover of my forthcoming e-book, Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh and Love.

Actually, in the past couple of months the burning fires and depressed embers have been fading; the flood of tears, a few friends, and new creative gears are helping me move ahead and repair that once broken heart.  Ironically, no longer so enraged, no longer feeling so caged, having sufficiently (albeit, not completely) detached, it’s possible to view my ex-partner without all the steam and fury.  I can better distinguish feelings for her and our time together, before my work slowed (and her insecurities increased regarding my financial stability).  And, before a grandchild entered our orbit.

In light of previous painful exchanges only a couple of months ago, and considering that we still have not met face-to-face since the last time we were in the same room in Jan 2015…was this new mindscape trustworthy?  Was I ready to express appreciation for the loving times and spaces that we shared:  would I be opening a wound or inviting myself to be once again wounded?

So a debate raged within, and then an opening…a poem was dawning.  “Space-Time Travelers and Lovers” is now ready to come out of the creative closet.  It is followed by an introduction to another grief-themed poem, “On the Ode to Letting Go.”  (A poem, I am proud to say, that was recently used as a teaching tool by a Lutheran Church Ministry group; see below.  It also appears in the aforementioned Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss.)  I hope you find the tandem w/rite of passage meaningful.  Peace,  MG

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

Author of the new e-book on Amazon, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World: Writings, Raps, & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency, Burnout Recovery, and Digital Sanity

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GIPXVH4/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

Synopsis:  An insightful and inspiring guide for self-discovery and heart-to-heart connection, Preserving Human Touch... is the painful, playful, and soulful outpouring of a one-of-a-kind – stage and page – "Motivational Psychohumorist" TM and "word artist."  Whether poetry or prose, purposeful or poignant, the language is colorful yet clear – a tapestry of meaningful substance and magical style.  As a psychohumorist, the Doc has been pioneering the field of psychologically humorous "rap" music -- Shrink Rap Productions! This ingenious synthesis is best captured by the “Stress Doc’s” ™ quest to be the Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages).

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Space-Time Travelers and Lovers

Once upon a time and so far away…

Love meant never having to say you're sorry

But it's all relative

When space-time bends chemical trends

Turning a “Yes” into “NO!”

So much more EBB than flow

As starship lovers no longer friends

Passing in the night…once out-of-sight

The gravity glue between two dark-distant bodies

A delayed, weak soular signal:

An ex-paramour’s dashboard amends.

Best and Worst of Times

Going round and around

Earth Mother in elliptical circles…

Sometimes a flyaway comet

Sometimes cradled in each other’s orbit

A partner planet

Then a little moon arrived

With her crescent smile

That drove me good crazy

And magnetic halo that lit up the sky

Don’t ask me why

My career/work was aborted

And a trust-line shorted.

Instead of coming closer, now apart further

Revealing two ego-alien natures

A heartbreak space station...once a force-field of dreams.

But how would one know with Earth’s silent screams?

Perhaps best to say

In this galaxy, anyway

Two orbs are company

Three is a crowd!

Especially when in the mind of one

The other won’t find another way.

And in the mind of the other

One won’t take another look:

Each reads from a different (work)Book!

Rages, Stages, and Steps

Once ejected from the family solar system

Wounded soul flares erupt

Spewing radioactive rage

Toxic heat and heavy light in a Dark Age

Sucking the air from black hole grief.

Turning point:  reaching for 12-Step relief:

A reflecting pool, a time to cool

Down blazing shadows

To wade in the shade

Fury, finally, starting to fade

And none too soon

Enabling this far from heavenly body

To ponder his eclipse by the Earth

No longer blinded by his lost little Moon.

Hard to believe:  being so helpless

All alone in the darkness

When days feel like weeks

The one vital sign-source:

Core lava waterfall wrath

Cherry-magma tear-dyed cheeks

Turning pain into war paint

Words drawn from blood, sweat, and tears

To disarm voices that split me in half.

Letting Go to “No” and Flow

In the fiery furnace of that dark night

Oh how can self-doubt

Morph as a flaming red light?

Do know your limits…Don’t limit your No’s!

Stop justifying to friends or foes

Trust the prose of soul sisters or bros

No shame stepping on some big toes.

Now transform “fight or flight”

Into let go luminous loss

That will run its course

As a gentle rain path

Washing away scarlet shame ranting

Magma mask finger point painting.

Embracing my sadness

Much stronger than madness.

Half Full/Empty Memory Scope

Recalling starlit games at bedtime

Pot-belly laughs and zippy high-lines

Yellow stones…to mountain climbs

Coastal shores and tundra pines

Not to mention vineyard wines

Your matzoh ball soup, latkes, and Seders

Helping you deal with plant-loving Jew baiters.

For a good while this was quite fine

But my being weird wired

I know you got tired with

A world of “word artist” designs

Sans bottom line recovery signs.

We weathered some storms…just not stormy weather

Alas, for me, 9-5, a dead letter

Yet, some regrets:  could I have done better?

Never astral bodies of a feather

Still… grateful for time travel together!

©  Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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A Spiritual Path for “Ode to Letting Go” 

Recently, with the help of a good friend/colleague, I led a “Practice Safe Stress” workshop for her church ministry group.  We all had a great time:

Trinity Lutheran Church/Stephen Ministry Program, N. Bethesda, MD; "Developing Stress Resilience through Humor:  A Caregiver's Playshop"; 1.5 hours

June 22, 2016

Mark - my go-to-stress-reliever -
THANK YOU & below I'm sharing a message from Miriam.
Yes, we "talked about you" -- all in a good way - our group was amazed and positively positive --
THANK YOU for braving the storm and making this "anniversary" a time to work out, work through, and work toward more healing in so many ways.

We'll be in touch -

HUGE Gorkin Fan

Donna Shriver
dshriver79@aol.com
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Hi Donna,

Thanks for bringing Mark to our Stephen Ministry Program. He was absolutely great and offered so many good ideas and coping mechanisms for stress. I am definitely interested in his E-book and in getting him back to Trinity...The timing you chose bringing Mark in for his talk was perfect.

Peace,
Miriam

Directormamendenhall@verizon.net

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And then, about a week later, I received these ego-boosters from Donna S. who, herself, has a very lively and distinctive style of expression that waxes from the lyrical to the spiritual:

Hi Mark - FYI - YES, we are using your poetry & discussion questions for tonight's Stephen Ministry supervision meeting.  ALSO (yes, we talked about you -- all in a good way). -- I must tell you how enthused Miriam is about you -- last night (Monday, July 18) a smaller group of us - Miriam, Louise, Sarah, Patricia & I -- the "cheer squad" - got together for dinner -- I think you met Miriam & Louise - and Miriam read your poem to prepare us for Tuesday's meeting -- hoping we will think about it and have our discussion ready.  She likes "growl, howl, eat crow" -- she loves the word play and the rhythm of the sounds -- and the depth within the fun.  She mentioned several times how the "fun" and "depth" can be an interesting mix - and very effective - and so on-board with what we do as Stephen Ministers.  She is definitely working on a schedule to bring you back to a larger group - in the works for later…

Well, we definitely continued our education -- On the Ode to Letting Go - was dynamic and a different version of our regular Stephen Ministry (SM) training.  Miriam read the poem with wonderful force and emphasis.  Fun to hear her growl and howl.  She had us break into groups of 2 --10 people so 5 groups -- and we had private discussions with our partners.  One-on-one we bring out private information that doesn't always make it to the big group - and that shows the intimacy of sharing thoughts and ideas with only one person -- which is one of SM's positive roles.  “Don't throw in the towel -- Fight another day” -- for those of us struggling with job stress, these images hit the target. 

Our private pairs talked for about 20 minutes before sharing our main ideas with the group.  The famous 5 stages of grief were paralleled in your vision-inducing words:  howl, stew, tears, peace, learn -

Rise up - study - know - learn -

An interesting dimension - it was discussed how the poem and the "Ode to Letting Go" thrust was to use our strength from within -- to "heal yourself" -- lick wounds -- peace in gut and soul -- rather than our SM (thrust / view / push -- seeking the right word) -- our SM Christian thrust - we always look to our savior's guidance, reassurance, live-affirming love and way of life -- and we use Biblical references, God's everlasting love -- and a strength based on dependence -- letting go to Let God take our problems -- Letting Go to Forgive, and Letting our Heavenly Father be our shepherd. 

The SM dimension adds - without apology -- God's love and the idea that we "walk with Jesus" -- to walk along care receivers in their journey through the problem -- through aging -- through life's struggles and eventual debilitation.

Your prelude, ("epiphany" hits a familiar chord with this crowd -- Miriam understood the power of wordplay -- TNT - 3D - 11th Commandment -- she is familiar with Adam Gopnik, Darwin/Lincoln -- Albert Camus -- voila -- Phoenix rising from the ashes --

I was thrilled that Miriam was gung-ho about using your material (something outside the SM-approved training guide book)!

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On the Ode to "Letting Go"

At some point towards the end of 2014, at long last…an epiphany.  I finally began to grasp that in today's TNT - Time-Numbers-Technology - World ever-clouded in a "3-D" - Driven-Distracted-Disruptive - Web, lengthy essays were not the way to attract a cyber-audience.  Once again the imperative "to do more with less" rules.  (Actually, if feels like it has become the 11th Commandment!)  Makes me think of writer Adam Gopnik's powerful mantra from his book on Darwin and Lincoln:  "Repetition is the law of nature, but variation is the rule of life."  Now uncertainty and adversity, along with necessity, became the progenitors of invention.

The opportunities in separation and loss was beautifully and succinctly captured by the 20th c. French-Algerian Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible…pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Surely, one way of putting more into a smaller (yet meaning-filled) package is by shifting from prose to verse.  And voila…the concept of "Resiliency Rap" became the poetic Phoenix rising from the Internet ashes.  I suppose this "Ode" is fitting, as it begins to capture my understanding of the struggle of letting go in all domains – from the virtual to the actual.

On the Ode to "Letting Go"

To start "letting go" you must rise up and growl

Then let out a howl

Study that which seems foul –

Lick wounds for a while…stew in your woes.

Just don't throw in the towel; better…

Do know your limits, don't limit your "No"s!

Hmm…What do you know?

Those critical voices, grief ghosts on the prowl

Now flushed from your bowels

As tears flood timeworn echoes:

Peace flows through gut and soul.

So "strive high, embrace failure"

Jump into the fray

Still learning to fight another day.

For when you let go to life's ebb and flow

You will even know when it's time to eat crow!

©  Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Perspective on the Poem, Power to the Poet

I key component of working through loss and grief often involves engaging and harnessing rage and hostility.  This dynamic often raises its head when you feel manipulated, put down, overrun, or victimized by another; attributing the flash of feeling to perceived injustice, insult, and/or invasion…and there's no recourse other than "letting go."  And, most surprising, being "powerless" does not necessarily mean being "helpless."  I'm allowing myself to more gradually feel and sit with these emotional charged states of aggression before engaging an antagonist.  I'm doing a psychic scan:  are past hurts confounding present heat?

Also vital…acknowledging the loss of "fair or reasonable world" expectations.  It is unrealistic to think I can control another adult's behavior (and detrimental to want to, other than protecting my own boundaries, preserving self-integrity, and building healthier relationships).  I can express or assert my needs and desires, but must learn to accept that others may not subscribe to my vison or values; many will choose not to walk "the word artist" path.

Finally, grief not only helps us regulate anger with others, but enables us to more gently own our flaws and failings.  In the game of life, a deeper and wiser sadness sometimes can even trump or dampen those raw and raspy as well as shrill-shaming voices.

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Discussion Questions

1.  Why is growling and howling often a vital part of truly "letting go?"

2.  What might be some benefits of "studying that which is foul" and "stewing in (your) woes"?

3.  What does the phrase "grief ghosts" conjure?  What images and ideas?

4.  What does it take to "strive high" and "embrace failure?"  What might be some benefits of embracing contradiction?

5.  Have you ever "learned to fight another day" or had "to eat crow"?  If so, what feelings are aroused at first, then over time?

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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

“Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools & Techniques for Surviving Trauma, Transition, and Everyday Stress

I have been a co-founding partner of the Be Well Initiative for the Nepali Diaspora in America.  The tragic April 25, 2015 earthquake ignited a vision for a friend and colleague, Dr. DK Gurung.  (DK called me a day after, both for some venting and to share his communal dream.)  Born in Nepal, he understood that mental health services were needed in the face of such a natural disaster, but not just for people living in Nepal.  The stress was also great for family and friends 10,000 miles from ground zero.  But beyond the immediate disaster, cultural norms, honor and shame, and indirect or secretive communication patterns made it difficult for Nepalis to fully acknowledge let alone discuss emotional issues of stress, anxiety and depression.  The US Nepali community had to come out of the trauma, immigrant transition, and pressure of “Pursuing the American Dream” as well as everyday stress, closets.

This past year, Be Well Initiative has put into motion “Stress Survey” data collection, mind-body wellness and mental health educational reach out, along with running focus groups at various community events, centers, and programs.  We will close out the year with a memorial EQ15 service on April 24^th in Herndon, VA.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you’d like more information.)  As part of the interactive/community participation service, attendees will engage in small group discussion about past and present stressors and coping strategies.  Participants will also provide ideas for developing future mental health resources and services.  It should be a very moving, meaningful, and uniquely affirming experience.

“Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools & Techniques

for Surviving Trauma, Transition, and Everyday Stress

This past year we have witnessed how imbalances and stressors in nature may suddenly erupt producing devastating consequences.  While not as cataclysmic, work-family-life imbalances and pressures may manifest in confusing, overwhelming and destructive, even life-threatening, emotions and behaviors.  As one Nepali community leader articulated:  “We too will erupt if our life gets out of balance, if we deplete ourselves, run ourselves to the ground, stretch ourselves thin, and live for all the wrong reasons.  We will either collapse into ourselves or explode onto others.”

We need a powerful stress tool kit to manage such stressors as: a) being emotionally connected to two homelands, b) separated from significant others as well as from geographical and cultural markers, c) everyday pressures pursuing the American Dream, including adapting to new cultural values, d) the challenges of finding meaningful employment, and especially, e) being an individual new to the US, feeling like “a stranger in a strange land.”

Perhaps most critical, as a community we need to affirm that reaching out for mental and emotional health services (the mind-heart) is as natural and normal as seeking help for physical illness (the body).  We must help our under-served community come out of the shadows of shame, stigma, and silence and discover a new horizon of hope!

Here is Be Well Initiative and the Stress Doc’s ™ “Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools and Techniques for Surviving Crises and Everyday Stress:

1.  Find a “Stress Buddy.”  When it comes to stress, we initially may need to share our feelings outside of our immediate family, perhaps with a trusted friend or community leader.  Having another help put the situation in a more reasonable or calm perspective, may reduce feelings of guilt and self-blame and make it easier to later discuss the situation with family members.  If still relatively new in the US, it’s vital to have a “Stress Buddy” who understands the “trials and pressures” of immigrant stress.

2.  Speak to a Professional.  If you are feeling intense levels of stress, anger, and/or depression, with disrupted patterns of eating and sleeping, misusing alcohol and drugs or simply wanting to withdraw from life, it is time to speak with a person trained in providing mental health counseling.  There are Crisis Hot Lines for you to call.  If you are not sure where to go, contact one of the counseling/clinical members of the Be Well Initiative Team:

Bharati Devkota,  Nepali Speaking, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) – telephone # 443-742-2575

Anshu Basnyat, Nepali Speaking, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) – telephone #  443-574-3430; call for an appointment

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc, Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) – telephone # 301-875-2567

3.  Join a Support Group.  Share your pain, purpose, and passion with a group of like-minded community members and a qualified facilitator; talking with one another, we lean on, learn from, and then provide an ear or a shoulder to our brothers and sisters.  Consider starting a Nepali/community support group.  BWI will be glad to assist.  Also, there are a variety of free, 12-Step Groups – from dealing with problem drinking (or being a family member of a problem drinker) to handling difficult emotions – located in schools, churches, community centers, etc., throughout the Greater DC-VA-MD area.

4.  Understand Change, Loss, and the Need to Grieve.  Whether it’s a devastating earthquake trauma or just a more quiet realization of missing loved ones, alive or deceased, no longer close by, or longing for our former life…we need to take time to remember.  The challenge of change is omnipresent for people adapting to a new land and way of life, or just going through transition.  Grief stages – shock, sadness, anger, fear, confusion, disbelief – are not just products of death and dying; grief can be stirred by the loss of a job, the loss of health and mobility, or the loss of a dream.  Grieving may help you make peace with both your past and present…and open paths for a more productive future.  Of course, there is not one way to grieve; each person has his or her own grief rhythm and time frame.  However, if after 2-4 weeks you are not back into your routine, find a trustworthy and understanding stress buddy or, even better, consider consulting with a professional counselor.

5.  Make Sleeping/Rejuvenating and Healthy Eating a Top Priority.  When it comes to sleep, we often provide solid guidance with our kids, but don’t follow our own advice.  Try to apply those sleep routine principles that you’ve designed for your children:  turn off the gadgets, take a shower or listen to soothing sounds of nature, or do quiet reading in bed.  And, limit alcohol and caffeine several hours before bedtime.  Meditation or taking a ten-fifteen minute “power nap” can be an effective way to rejuvenate during the day.

As for food and fuel intake, beware of picking up some of the sloppy eating habits of too many Americans.  Reduce your intake of salts, sugars, and saturated fats – those cans of soda and bags of chips.  Eat more fruits, especially the berries, and green and leafy vegetables; whole grains, beans and legumes and, if not going vegan, Omega-3 fish – salmon and sardines, are heart-healthy choices.  Listen to your grandmother!

6.  Get Regular Exercise.  Do you get thirty minutes of brisk exercise three-five times a week?  Regular exercise provides both physical and psychological advantages.  Thirty minutes (or even two fifteen minute segments) of vigorous, non-stop, large muscle movement activity – brisk walking, swimming, bike riding, dancing, etc. – releases brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine which are the mind-body's natural mood enhancers and pain relievers.  It's less a runner's high and more that we can step back and see things with a calmer disposition and fresher perspective. 

When stressed, everything feel’s up in the air.  The answer: to feel grounded.  There is nothing like a brisk thirty minute walk for creating a beginning and end point for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control.  Actually, you’re developing a “success ritual.”  And while I don’t always love to exercise, after my ten-minute “while still in bed” morning routine of stretching, sit-ups, push-ups, yoga positions, etc. and my early evening walk…well, I do like feeling virtuous.  And if you’re having difficulty getting started…find a walking partner.

7.  Learn to Say Set Limits.  During my workshops, more people have said to me, “Mark until I learned how to say ‘No’…I was living on the edge of stress!”  Remember, being a mature adult means that sometimes you will have to disappoint people.  For friends and family, for example, let them clearly know what you cannot do (at this moment in time) but also perhaps what you can do.  Give people the option to call you back in two days when your schedule might not be so busy. Naturally, expect that your initial “No” might prove upsetting.  But don’t overly explain your position; excess talking undermines your own sense of control and authority.  People see you as wishy-washy.  Briefly remind people of your stated position.

On the other hand, when relating with an impatient or “the sky is falling down” authority figure, e.g., the big boss at work, the key is not to let this person’s false or exaggerated sense of urgency become the only reality.  Remember, for something to be urgent or an emergency, it’s “life and death.”  Everything else can be prioritized.  So to regain some control, say to that boss, “I know this is a very important matter.  Because it is important, let’s take five minutes; help me prioritize – what should I put on the backburner while I focus on this new vital priority.”  Don’t let someone else’s false urgency become your anxiety!

8.  Identify and Defuse Stress Triggers.  We all have emotional areas in which we are especially sensitive or reactive – for example, someone questioning our honesty or intelligence, talking badly about a friend or family member, or trying to tell us how we must do something his or her way, etc.  We tend to overreact emotionally and verbally when someone hits our “hot button.”  To improve your capacity for self-regulation, before reacting:  a) take some deep breaths, b) pay attention to those “3 B” – Brain-Body-Behavior – stress smoke signals; as I like to say:  Count to ten...and check within, c) can I observe the other without making a snap judgement and if they are judging me not “shake, rattle and BLOW?,” d) learn to use assertive “I” messages instead of blaming “You” messages, for example, “I don’t agree” or “I am not comfortable with…” as opposed to “You’re wrong!” or “It’s your fault!”

Actually two of my favorite stress defusers also help set limits:

A firm “no” a day keeps the ulcers away and the hostilities, too.

Do know your limits and don’t limit your “No”s.

9.  Get Organized.  Chronic clutter in a room or office (or even a car) creates a messy mind.  Recognize that anger, fear, boredom, or depression often contributes to ongoing procrastination.  Develop an ABCD system:  “A” or “top priority” items deal with promptly; “B” or important items file in a “to do” file that’s visible or easily reachable; “C” items discard whenever possible; and have a “D” box or file for future reading or reference.  (Discard most items after a short period of time if not read.)   Again, if this ABCD system is not working, reach out to a concerned friend or a counselor.  Consider this variation of the “Serenity Prayer”:  Grant me the serenity to discard the things I really do not need, to save and file the things I do, and the wisdom to know the difference (or to brazenly eviscerate 90% of my in-box)!

10.  Discover a Hobby or Engage in an Art Project…Or Just Laugh.  A life that completely revolves around responsibilities to family and work, with no time for mind-body-spirit nourishment and rejuvenation, is a life at-risk.  Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more that we gave ourselves away!  Hobbies or art projects, engaging in sports or physical activity that especially integrate the mental-emotional-physical, e.g., digging in a garden, walking in parks or forests, going for bike rides, trying your hand at water coloring, writing poetry, playing tennis, regular meditation, taking dance lessons (research shows this is a an especially good activity for preventing dementia as it is both spontaneous and structured)…all enable us to step back, shift gears, have fun, and rediscover the sublime in nature and our true essence.  And if not quite ready for a hobby, at least read books or watch TV, videos, or movies that make you laugh.  Laughing with gusto is like “inner jogging,” giving vital organs a brief but hearty internal massage!

In closing, if you begin to apply these “Top Ten” tips and techniques you will become commander of your own stress ship, being able to navigate stormy seas and eventually reach your own island or homeland of mind-body-spirit resiliency and serenity.  Just remember…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Courageous Resilience & Creative Risk-Taking (CR2): The Art of Designing Disorder – Program and Poem

Over the past few months, I have been developing a collaborative relationship with ORATE, a new national speaker/webinar bureau.  I have a pretty cool home page:

Click here: Mark Gorkin « Orate or http://www.orate.me/resume/mark-gorkin/

The page includes videos, program blurbs, testimonials and some fun pics.  In fact, the final program addition appears directly below:

Courageous Resilience & Creative Risk-Taking (CR²):
The New "R & R" or the Art of Designing Disorder

In today’s TNT – Time-Numbers-Technology – Driven and Distracted World, there’s definitely a need for a new and improved “R and R” model and method – Resilience and Risk-taking! Discover and practice “hands on and helmets off” tools and techniques, skills and strategies for: a) identifying “barriers” to courage and creativity, and b) building resilient and risk-taking professional-team “bridges.” Learn to “aware-ily jump in” and “strive high and embrace failure”; “thrive on thrustration” and “take an incubation vacation.” Prepare for “courageous conversations.” “Learn to fail or fail to learn.” Create “winning” teams that blend individual creativity and interactive community. Stimulate and integrate your head and heart, the obscure, the obvious, and even the oppositional. Come out of the courageous and creative closets.

1.  From Agenda to the Arena: focus on “constructive discontent” and prepare and develop a courageous and paradoxical (vital & vulnerable) mindset

 

2.  Aware-ily Jump In Over Head: generate rapid learning curve – threat-loss-challenge; quick assessment of skills & resources; beware of alligators

3.  Strive to Survive High Dive: “Strive High and Embrace Failure”; “Resilience & Risk-Taking” time frame; “come up for air”; TLC resource collaboration

4.  Thrive On “Thrustration”…Incubate to Illuminate: embrace and harness creative tension; take an “Incubation Vacation”: from letting go to letting come, from frustration to flow

5.  Design for Error and Evaluation, Coming Out and Opportunity: range of possibilities over fixed or ideal goals; choosing confusion over illusion of control; avoid “b.s.”; develop IC2 Networks

So seek the higher power of Stress Doc humor…May the Farce Be with You!
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And this leads directly to the latest addition of “Resiliency Poetry”:  Courageous Resilience & Creative Risk-Taking:  The ABCs of Designing Disorder.  Actually, both the program and poem are based on an article penned in the 1980s, after a chaotic two season “Mind-Body Connection” experience/experiment on the newly arrived New Orleans Cox Cable Television.  (In addition to the weekly performance angst due to my “tele-virgin” status, the fondest memory is of my closing salutation:  “This is Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™.  Good night and good connections!”)

In addition to the ORATE posting, I will introduce my (CR²) model and method at an upcoming June program, Inspiring with Passion Power, for the Eastern Region of the International Professional Management Association (IPMA).  So with (CR²) on the brain, I decided to jump in the “Resiliency Poetry” waters, once again.  I hope you enjoy the ride!

Mark

P.S.  Notice the vertical letter pattern to the left of the first “Preamble” stanza.  It’s the rhyme scheme:  A-B-CC-A-B-CCC.  This is the basic scheme throughout the poem.  Also, it’s one reason the poem is subtitled, “The ABCs of Designing Disorder.”
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Courageous Resilience & Creative Risk-Taking (CR²):  The ABCs of Designing Disorder

Preamble Trio

A     Resilience and Risk

B     The new “R & R”

C     Where effort and pluck

C     With guidance and luck

A     Help you stretch and stick

B     To that rising star

C     Even when feeling stuck…

C     Just don’t pass the buck, alas

C     There’s that crawl through the muck!

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You’ve been tossed aside

And question your worth

From reaping and sowing

Which way’s the wind blowing?

Will you choose to hide?

Or still walk this earth?

With the tide ebb and flowing

All the time knowing

Not a clue where you’re going!

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Is failing shameful?

Or a chance to learn

About life and living

To be forgiving

If not successful, then

A point where you turn

“Right-Wrong” believing

Last gasp self-deceiving…

Look…a Phoenix:  “born again” grieving!

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Five Stages of Courageous Resilience and Creative Risk-Taking

 

How do you cultivate

Risk & Resilience?

With ”coeur”-rage and a savvy “tete”:  **

Fling an alert-anxious net

Focus your radar sensate

Explore shadow and substance

“Five Stages” is the conduit…

Less a gamble; more fierce mindset

“Design Disorder”…sans regret!

**  “coeur”  and “tete” – French for heart and head respectively

1.  First an Agenda…Then into the Arena

Grabs your mind, heart, and gut
You’re alive yet still wary –
Just “Constructive Discontent”
Or a brain bolt heaven sent?
Finally, out of your rut
Wrestling with the contrary
Hones the range of intent
While still being hell-bent…
On a stage all too pregnant!

2.  Aware-ily Jump In Over Your Head

Take the plunge; eyes wild and wide
Quickly glean skills and resources
For the challenge of losing (it)
Excites laser learning (and wit)…
And surprise! – a dopamine ride
Craving pleasure and dark forces:
Are you in flight or still fighting?
To avert stage fright freezing
Keep the play brain juice flowing!

3.  Strive to Survive the High Dive

Facing Your Intimate FOE:
Oh no…”Fear of Exposure” –
That gap between ambition
And a burnout situation…
Cutting edge tension:  “b.s.” or grow.
So “Strive High, Embrace Failure” –
Yin/Yang paradox potion:
Repetition with reflection…still
Beware Icarus ** perspiration!

**  Icarus – in Greek mythology, son of Daedalus who lost his life daring to fly too near the sun on wings of feathers and wax

4.  Thrive On “Thrustration”…Incubate to Illuminate

Your ideas just won’t unite
Still, don’t fight the big muddle
Slowly harness frustration…
Build a platform for “thrustration”:  **
Volcanic dreams in the night
A lava light for your puzzle…
Now drift with meditation
Join in collaboration, then
An “incubation vacation”:
Let go…retreat…hatch new creation!

**  “thrustration” – a term coined by Dr. Richard Rabkin; I defined it as being torn between thrusting ahead with direct action and frustration as you cannot quite put together those key puzzle pieces

5.  Design for Error and Evaluation, Coming Out and Opportunity

Pursue three-fold pathways:
Trial, error, and appraisal
Not a fixed or “my way” goal
More “b.s.” – be safe! control.
So set hollowed truths ablaze…
From the ashes…mythic renewal:
Mandala ** vision of the soul
Spirit voice from a black hole
Are you ready?…Let’s “Rock 'n Roll!

**  Mandala – Sanskrit for “magic circle”; a meditative tool/artistic structure often displaying geometric – concentric and symmetric – patterning; for the pioneering psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, a collective unconscious symbol of psychological wholeness or “individuation”; email for more information

Closing

On this “R & R” journey
Not “a means to an end”
Nor a quest “one and done”…
Battles seem lost ere you’ve begun.
Red-hot electric memory
Lurking around every bend…
Dark images eclipse your sun
Still…there’s a chance for madhouse fun:
Will you resist that urge to run?

© Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  The Doc is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.