Stress Doc’s New E-Book – Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss: Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love

Well my new E-book is live on Amazon/Kindle.  Of course, I’m biased, but I think it’s a pretty unique and awesome collection on loss and love, with a Psychohumorist’s ™ twist.  Assembled over several decades, the book mixes Shrink Raps ™ and Resiliency Poetry as well as a few poignant essays, and is topped off with thought-provoking Poetic Commentary and Discussion Questions.  (See a more complete overview in the below synopsis.)  FL(2) will stimulate your head, nurture your heart, and inspire your soul! 

Please consider checking out my Amazon book/author page:

https://www.amazon.com/Fierce-Longing%E2%80%A6Fiery-Loss-Relearning-Laugh-ebook/dp/B01M0JS9NJ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474730355&sr=8-1&keywords=Fierce+Longing...Fiery+Loss%3A++Relearning+To+Let+Go%2C+Laugh+%26+Love

The price of admission is only $3.99.  And if you take the leap…and like the poetic well-spring, please share your thoughts on the feedback page.  Enjoy!  Mark

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Stress Doc’s New E-Book – Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh and Love

Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss is a comic-to-tragic-and-back-again “Resiliency Poetry” and “Rebuilding the Fire” road-map.  Also sprinkled with “how to” essays, the collection is an insightfully edgy expression of a one-of-a-kind Psychohumorist ™ and Shrink Rapper ™, yet all too human Stress Doc ™.   Journey with Mark as he explores varieties of love – from vital to delusional – in an array of intimate (okay, sometimes more sensual than intimate) relationships.  FL2 also examines love and loss in a variety of work-family life battlefields (symbolic as well as literal, e.g., see “Who KNOWS War”) – and puts you on the path of courageous recovery and discovery.

The work reveals an individual who often must deep dive into dark shadowy grief – the shock, the rage, the searing pain of loss…yet also struggles and persists – three strokes forward two strokes back or v.v. – to resurface, moving closer to the light; to reviving and rediscovering a now more en-light-ened head and heart.  For example, see the wickedly fun lyric, “Double-Edged Depression,” where you choose between “chemistry or confession” and ultimately find salvation in “creative expression.”  Conversely, discover the Doc’s collateral damage when a ten-year partnership suddenly is no more:  his ex-communication from the family means the gut-wrenching loss of his ex’s 3-year-old granddaughter.  Still, you’ll be touched and tickled by the love Lil Charlotte inspired, and you’ll cheer the Doc’s decision to take on those all-powerful Queens of Hearts…if only in his “curiouser and curiouser” if not slightly crazed mind.

The book is divided into four sections: 1) Fierce Longing, 2) Fiery Loss, 3) Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love, and 4) Grief Journaling, including truly evocative, spectrum of emotion eulogies written for special loved ones.  Engage with the book’s distinctive four-part structure: 1) the creative context for the poem or essay, 2) the evocative piece, 3) a sometimes brief, sometimes more developed commentary and thoughtful retrospective on Poetic Perspective and Power, along with 4) Discussion Questions that sharpen poetic meaning and intensity while providing you stimulating “food for thought” voices, insights, and intimate engagement.

This unique collection will definitely assist in your “head work, heart work, and homework”:

• Bathe in the outrageous insights of a one-of-a-kind Shrink Rapper ™:  from dysfunction and dependence to mindful and “out of mind” transcendence

• Encounter vivid and visual ideas and images, insightful and inspiring analogies, and “Resiliency Poetry” strategies for once again “letting go, laughing, and loving”

• Embrace those “grief ghosts” and internalize the difference between “feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your sorrow”

• Be inspired to embark on your own self-inventory as well as voyage of discovery and self-invention: grapple with demeaning inner voices, work through meaningful relationship anger, harness pain into Mountain Vision purpose, and laugh with “higher power” healing humor

• Use Resiliency Poetry & Shrink Rap ™ as a learning-discussion tool in a variety of classroom/learning settings, psycho-educational support, study, and book groups, as well as around the family, coffeehouse, or breakroom and boardroom table

If a picture is worth a thousand words then, by Gorkinian psycho-metrics, a thought-inspiring, heart-jolting, or outrageous metaphor or poetic visual is worth at least one hundred psychological insights, deep-seated projections, and untamed associations!  Be energized by the Stress Doc’s “New KISS Mantra”:  Keep It Short & Smart.  Amen and Women to that!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Goodbye Little Charlotte: The Pain and Promise of Inner Child Love

Alas, the recent break-up of a nine year relationship was painful enough.  But then my ex-partner’s daughter indefinitely suspended (more realistically, permanently ended) weekly, joyful 3-5 minute Skypeing and my periodic visiting with her 3 ½ year old daughter (i.e., my ex’s grandchild).  The mother felt “confused” by the split (initiated by her mother, my ex) along with being “tired of saying ‘Yes’ when she wanted to say ‘No’”…well, the loss, pain, and grief go very, very deep.

Clearly, unconditional feelings were being shared with Charlotte, emotions that, sadly, at an early age in my life, were mostly overrun by an invasive species – subterranean household tensions and trauma.  Also worth noting, I’ve never had such a close and sustained relationship with a young child.  Whatever is the opposite of the Pandora’s Box Effect (minus the final burst of hope)…that’s what my truly animated connection with Charlotte opened up in me.  Here’s one way I know to keep a spirited if not spiritual love (as well as that proverbial hope) alive!

 

Goodbye Little Charlotte:  The Pain and Promise of Inner Child Love

The Mother’s missile punctured a heart
The Daughter’s bomb ripped it apart.
At the “last supper” we dined a la carte
Of course, for dessert – one poisoned tart:

“You and my mother drifted apart
Now I’m at sea minus a chart…
No more horsy rides without the family cart
Forget my daughter; try to be smart.”

Oh little Charlotte
Do we know what we know?
Oh what a joy
To laugh as you grow.
The cards have been played
Alas, I must go…
Please never forget
I do love you so!

FORGET Lil Charlotte!!!...Oh No, bless her heart
My “Bumper Jumper” – crazy love from the start!
“Man…smother your fire…give up the part
Your ashes of grief just might leave a mark!”

Perhaps in heaven “better angels” will hark…
Charlotte, for you, my heart’s Central Park:
Please come and play; take flight on a lark
Then down to earth to draw monsters with chalk.

Around the lake watching ducks as we walk
Music to my ears your self-assured talk.
Oh let’s be silly – a moon howl, then a bark
Such a pure love will make light of the dark!

Oh little Charlotte
I can’t come along.
How could sweet love
Be viewed so wrong?
I pray that one day
You will hear this song
And my river of tears
Will help me be strong!

Oh little Charlotte
Do we know what we know?
Oh what a joy
You make my heart glow.
The cards have been played
Alas, I must go…
Please never forget
I did love you so!

© Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  The Doc is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man”: A Son's Eulogy

My father died on Father’s Day. I’m not sure his timing was meant to be so fitting, but I have no doubt that he had finally decided to stop fighting, not an easy task for a classic “Type A is for Aggressive” man who for much of his life felt compelled to fight for his survival. I could talk about dad being raised by a mother who went in and out of clinical and sometimes near-psychotic depressions; or his short, bull-like immigrant father who won strong man contests, while also being a gifted carpenter (his artfully crafted inlaid chess table remains a family treasure); his father, too, an often absent parent and a weekend alcoholic; or being overshadowed by his athletically gifted older brother who eventually joined the Navy and left dad to care for his increasingly ill mother after his father left the roost; or a man who volunteered to join the Army during WW II despite having a “family exemption” because of his mother’s health; or a romantic who chose to elope with my mother because of her family’s objection to this guy from the “wrong side of the tracks”; or of dad’s mental breakdown and hospitalization for “manic depression” (in hindsight, a questionable label) when I was one-and-a-half years old; not questionable back then, though, was the start of over fifteen years of electro-shock therapy (ECT) as my parents were afraid to question the medical establishment’s treatment of choice for depression. (By the way, he finally stopped the shock, during my parent’s short-lived marital separation when a woman with whom he was casually involved told him, “You’re nuts, you don’t need shock therapy, get some psychotherapy!” He did… eventually staying in group therapy for a dozen years, never needing another electrical jolt to keep him “functioning.”)

Or should I talk about his existential crisis at work as the Mafia increasingly infiltrated the New York City garment center (this was the early ‘60s version of “downsizing”; I call it frightsizing!)?: would he leave his successful, twenty years sales position, tear up his security fabric, or agree to report to “el Capo” Tommy D? (I still recall his anguished hours and days wrestling on the couch, not sure if dad was going to kill himself or someone else for having his world violently turned upside down. Eventually he jumped from the rat-infested ship; yet after anxiously taking a job with another controlling big company, dad realized he had to be on his own. He forged a position as a sales rep for a small business owner with his own fabric warehouse. Eli was a “goniff” or small crook in his own right, but at least not of the “organized” variety.

And his world flourished – making more money than he ever had, reuniting with my mom, continuing with therapy, taking up tennis as a new mid-life passion (his crowning moment when he defeated his athletically gifted brother in a match). Of course, living at home was like living in a family encounter laboratory. As I once penned:

What made him break from our mistake, perhaps we’ll never know.
But in the wake of psychic quake, a formula to grow.
The silence cracks, each spouse attacks, the couple hardly known.
But on these tracks of broken backs, emancipation sown!

Cries of a Lifetime, a Lifeline, and the Unraveling

And for me, the start of my emotional emancipation – of transcending a childhood riddled with fears and unrecognized talents and gifts, of being overly aligned with a brilliant yet anxiously controlling mother while emotionally distant from/ashamed of my "irrational," sometimes problem-drinking father – began at age twenty-one: I followed my dad’s footsteps into psychotherapy. And six years after learning about his bouts with depression and shock treatment, I finally had the courage to ask, “Dad, why did you need the shock?” And then crawled onto his lap, put my arms around him, holding on for dear safety, burying my head in his neck for forgiveness, and cried uncontrollably, pure unadulterated emotion pouring out, as he recounted his fears of being like his sick mother, his desperation of not knowing whether he could both support a family and fight his inner demons…And finally my admitting and understanding that I had so many similar fears and feelings of shame. (Dad later shared that he had never experienced such an outpouring of emotion and love in his life.)

A decade later, wanting to understand the difficulty in recalling so much of my childhood, I began asking my parents pointed questions which triggered a verbal explosion that, after much physical posturing and verbal battling between father and son, (my mother had left the room), reversed the roles: backed into a corner, dad finally let go of his defensive yelling and tearfully relived and acknowledged a young father’s shame (surrounding his shock regimen), guilt and helplessness (survival fears), thereby dissolving his defensive rage…and now, allowing me to take him in my arms, he cried uncontrollably. (And this man never cried, except at poignant theatre or movies.)

I was going to talk about how the vascular strokes in his early 70s began to change the hard-edged but honest communication he and I had evolved over the decades, despite my living out of town in New Orleans and DC. He no longer wanted, nor felt strong enough to handle, that real give and take battle, the staple of our rebuilding a father-son bond and a unique level of trust. My dad’s recent death evokes multi-layered sadness, not just for the immediate loss but also for the steady dissolution these past fifteen years of our once uncommonly open and authentic interaction. Still, I can’t resist recalling one trust-building vignette:

My younger brother, Larry, and I were visiting my folks in Florida. To give the story some context, as a child, Larry, was the sibling who bonded more with my father. There definitely were sibling rivalry issues. Larry was also in the psychology field, receiving his doctorate in Clinical Psychology; by comparison I burnt out working on my social work thesis and was ABD. Unlike his older brother, Larry was a researcher; he had studiously avoided psychotherapy. To continue…during the visit I noticed how if my brother said something critical of my dad, my dad seemed to ignore it, while if I questioned or challenged him, there was definite aggressive push back. At some point, the frustration building within, I finally said to him, “Dad what’s going on? Are we reliving the old days of you and Larry as allies? If Larry says something smart you ignore it, me…you’re all over me.”

Fortunately, my father was way ahead of me. His succinct reply: “Nah, Larry can get defensive; you… I know you can take it!” (Perhaps not surprising, as my dad and I moved away from more intense and genuine relationship communication, or as he more passive-aggressively criticized my at times financially-challenged “word artist” life style – partly because of not understanding my motivation, partly because of his "fear for my security" which, naturally, overlapped with his own fears – he and my financially successful brother regained their comfort zone.)

But despite selective retrenchment, the person who could really both take it and fight, truly, was my dad. Four years ago, at eighty-four, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. As my doctor explained, even though he had stopped smoking forty years before, the two-packs-a-day damage was done. The amazing thing now was his ability to handle three and a half years of chemo with an uncomplaining acceptance yet “determined to keep on fighting” spirit. For a man his age, Dad totally defied the chemo treatment life expectancy tables. When my father once tried to tell his oncologist of his admiration, the doctor immediately reversed the tables: “On the contrary, Mr. Gorkin, it is I who admire you.”

So this is the eulogy that I never gave at the placing of the flag alongside his urn-filled ashes, with “Taps” being played in the background, at the quietly comforting, tree-, grassy knolls- and lagoon-covered grounds of the military national cemetery near Boynton Beach, FL. Beside the three soldiers in dress greens, it was only my mother, brother and me. Despite his success as a salesman, my father was basically a loner and this simple unadorned ceremony captured his wishes and much of his Spartan essence.

As was written on his head stone: Abraham Gorkin – A Courageous Mensch, Loving Husband & Father.

Amen and women to that!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.