Amazing Grief: When Resiliecy Magic Springs from the Tragic

Once again, magic arose from the ashes of tragedy.  And the magic appeared in separate manifestations of individual and group resilience, one spontaneous, the other planned.  Let me quick-sketch the background.  I was making my second critical intervention at a social service agency after the unexpected, heart-wrenching death of a much beloved staff member.  This individual seemed to play a mother or big sister role for many of her multi-generational colleagues.  Not surprisingly, the first time meeting with the group, most were in a state of shock, though several had watery eyes, a few were quietly weeping.

The second gathering, three days later, there were fewer glazed looks; still the mood, understandably, remained somber.  During the initial check-in, a former policeman turned the tables on me.  Seemingly parts inquisitive, parts confrontational, he asked how I dealt with "stress."  Viewing his question as an opportunity to move outside my professional cover, to engage in some personal sharing, I responded, "I like to walk; and I enjoy creative writing."

He then asked about my writing.  When I said "poetry," he immediately asked me to share some.  Alas, the performer more than the grief consultant momentarily took the stage.  I mentioned my work as a "Shrink Rapper" ™, which induced a mix of groans and chuckles.  I quickly decided to "rap" the first four lines of a favorite:

When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette!

After two lines (and the improbability of what they were seeing and hearing), the metamorphosis was palpable -- from the relaxing of individual facial expressions to increasing group energy and body movement; several people had started to sway and clap.  By the end of this first stanza their eyes (and my ears) were twinkling (buzzing) with (and from the) laughter.  Now I just blasted through any sound barrier and sang the entire "Stress Rap."  Being "shocked" was no longer just associated with grief.  (Considering that all but one in the group were people of color, most African-American, with hindsight, perhaps this was the birth of "Grief" or "Gospel Rap" or "Gospel Grief Rap."  I have great memories of being electrically if not soulfully charged in many N'Awlins Jazz Fest Gospel tents. ;-).

Jolted to the Light

The enthusiastic applause told me how much this group needed some healing humor and "lightening the mood" laughter.  At the same time, despite the recent trauma, there was clear and reassuring evidence of a vital group pulse.  FYI, their cheers certainly did not reflect my "rapping" talents.  In fact, as a "Shrink Rap" performer, when the show of appreciation dies down, my standard rejoinder:  I can tell when an audience is applauding out of relief.

Now, recovering my consultant mindset, I dispensed with added banter, but noted how our immediate process reflected a truth captured by the pioneering comedic film genius, Charlie Chaplin:

A paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny.  We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy!

The sighs and nodding heads affirmed Chaplin's wisdom.  As I once penned:  "People are less defensive and more open to a serious message gift-wrapped with humor."  (Pun actually not intended.)  Having been jolted with some positive energy, folks seemed more willing to acknowledge feelings of disappointment and regret, even some anger, for a beloved colleague who would no longer inhabit and share their physical space.  Perhaps we were creating a yin-yang/light-dark mind-body flow.  A Stress Doc rule of thumb in helping people evolve through emotional loss and change:  take time for the pain, and then help folks move from negative to positive energy.

Recalling and Committing to the Positive and the Person

As part of the grief intervention experience, the group also would benefit from being reminded of their own individual and collective humility, strengths, and skills.  And, paradoxically, we would do this by focusing on the uncommon qualities of their deceased colleague.  Let me outline the process.  I asked each participant to reflect on one trait of their former colleague that they especially valued or admired.  However, we were not simply doing an inventory.  I also asked for the chosen trait to be one that, moving forward, they would attempt to cultivate or nurture within themselves.  (I'm calling this recognition-realization process "I and I" -- Identification and Internalization.   Also, the deceased had loved gardening, so the "cultivation" metaphor was particularly apt.)  Hands sprung up, some people and traits intertwined, and the list steadily blossomed:

1.  Always had a smile on her face; we tackled this one because for some it stirred feelings that she had been mostly wearing a mask.  I suggested that maybe throwing herself into work was one way this woman both felt vitally alive and could escape a more pressured and chaotic outside life.  Yet we agreed…the tragic irony was that while she was always ready with a shoulder for others -- patients or staff -- she was unable to ask for one for herself.  Not surprisingly, this discussion also became a platform for underscoring the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) as an available resource -- counseling for personal or family issues, financial counseling, etc.
2.  Many admired how she advocated for people in the program.
3.  She was involved; a team player.  Also acknowledged was that the presence of gossip for some dampened a sense of individual-group trust and involvement.  People agreed this was an issue requiring further exploration.  However, one member liked my challenge:  to evolve from a "little brother" seeking attention to a "big brother" assisting others.
4.  She paid attention to details; her assessments for patients improved their therapeutic regimen.  In fact, we came up with a new operational mantra; I dubbed it the Triple "A":  ATTENTION-ASSESSMENT-ADVOCACY.  I suspect there will soon be a sign or a banner hanging somewhere in the premises.
5.  She was a good friend, who went over and beyond the call many times.
6.  She engaged in volunteer projects; she was a "truly good person" with a "caring and generous heart."
7.  Finally, her dependability was noted; her words were backed by actions.

We then discussed ways of sustaining remembrance beyond a memorial service -- for example, planting a garden in her honor; or creating a scrapbook or bulletin board with stories and pictures, especially ones with staff members.  A second scrapbook might even be offered to her family.  The supervisor was also encouraged to empower a memorial task group for more ideas.

Closing Commentary and Addendum

The hour was running down; people had to return to their patients.  There was time for one final observation:  I shared the belief that if each person dedicated him- or herself to nurturing the selected trait, two vital chains of events would be set in motion:  first, they would be giving themselves the beautiful gift of remembrance and honor as personal growth; and second, from a larger perspective, their colleague's essence would remain intact.  The collective, "parts to partnership" synergy would provide "life" restoring elan vitale (or "vital force").  While this commitment would never replace her physical presence; her spirit would palpably walk the halls and echo off the workplace walls.  People seemed to exit with a good deal more energy, hope, and possibility -- a more resilient spring to their step, as it were -- than they had coming in.  Amen and women to that!

P.S.  After the group intervention, the previously mentioned former policeman approached me.  He's been talking to a colleague seemingly bottling up some stress.  "And he won't open up!  What should I do?"  My reply:  "How about asking this person if you could check in periodically, maybe once a week, to see how s/he's doing?"  This "old school" guy's reply:  "Oh, I shouldn't try to make him talk."  I smiled and nodded.  The gentleman was displaying some resilience:   considering a novel, more flexible strategy for dealing with personal frustration and interpersonal boundaries, for relating with and assisting another.  A good way to help one and all...Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc also leads "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" - www.stressdoc.com - called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Creative Risk-Taking: The Art of Designing Disorder

As the year comes to a close, it’s often a time of reckoning:  what is the gap between the ideal and the real?  Have I too often clung to “b.s.” (“be safe”) security over risk-taking uncertainty; am I willing to dig deep for genuine growth opportunity?  My first offering for the New Year, the revised first two-steps/two-pages of “Creative Risk-taking:  The Art of Designing Disorder” from the upcoming book, The Stress Doc’s ™ Resiliency Rap.  (If interested, email for the entire poetic essay.)

 

The second (soon forthcoming) communique outlines three classroom/Stress Doc workshop programs derived from The Stress Doc’s ™ Resiliency Rap.  These programs are:

 

1) “Stress, Loss and Change Resiliency”

2) “Creative Expression/Emotional Adaptation”

3) “Core Curriculum Standards Model

 

If you know any teachers, professors, or administrators in a high school or college/university setting that might be interested in knowing more about the Stress Doc resources (including a video on “Overcoming Procrastination,” please consider sharing the email.

 

As I like to say, “Take up the dare; to good adventures for the New Year.”  Peace!

Mark

www.stressdoc.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Creative Risk-Taking

 

And the final “R” for “Burnout Recovery”

Learn to develop a “Risk-Taking” strategy.

Here are four steps for surviving and thriving

When you’re engaged in on the edge living

Forever smoldering is not forgiving.

Grasping liquid ideas at an uncharted border –

Creative Risk-Taking:  The Art of Designing Disorder:

 

Step 1.  Aware-ily Jump in Over Your Head

 

High anxiety comes with the territory

When landing with awkward uncertainty.

While there may be some initial dread

Take a few breaths…quiet that voice in your head

Focus on rapid learning, instead.

Try saying a prayer or trusting your gut

The opposite of risk – being stuck in a rut.

 

Characteristics of Productive Risk-Takers

 

While you may truly want to confess

Actually, it is time to assess:

How do expectations square with reality?

Ready to handle learning curve vulnerability?

Can you convert anxiety to laser beam energy?

As for skills and resources:  do you have all the horses

For jumping through hoops, for running obstacle courses?

Still admitting gaps without playing “Taps?”

(Hey, focused risk-taking is not shooting craps.)

Finally, can you maintain basic composure

In the face of your “Intimate FOE” –

That long dark shadow…Fear of Exposure?

 

Step 2.  Strive to Survive the High Dive

 

Now that you have bravely jumped in

Avoid making it “lose versus win.”

You are a learner, no way a loser…

Please consider this uncommon mantra:

Strive for the high and embrace failure.

“Rigid consistency,” as Emerson did find –

"Is the likely hobgoblin of a little mind.”

Remember, inside each humbling error

Often stirs a pregnant adventure.

With open eyes and a trusted mentor

One even defies the lonely crowd censure.

But, as matter of fact, the most meaningful crack:

No more running from that “all-knowing” mirror.

 

Either Learn to Fail or Fail to Learn

 

Rethink what it means to fail

Were you chasing the Holy Grail?

Failure no longer is a scarlet “F”

Forever leaving you seeming bereft

A tattoo of shame one can never erase…

Imagine failure as a transitional space

For recognizing what you could not see

For leaning on others so you might be

For giving old voices the third degree

For fighting convention and assumption

For discovering steely determination

To close the breach, seemingly out of reach

Between current position and true aspiration.

 

Placing Failure in Time Perspective

 

Of course, it’s not just a matter of rhyme

Embracing failure will take some time.

Consider these two slogans of war

For sorting the chaff, for probing the core:

1) Founding a beachhead, no matter where you stand

Is not the same as securing the island.

2) Many battles are fought and lost

Before a major victory is won.

So do not run…but do reckon the cost.

 

The Stress Doc’s TLC

 

As you swim and tread to who knows where

Please don’t forget to come up for air

Taking time out for mentor or peer

With whom you will play “Truth or Dare” –

One having the courage to fill your ear with

Tender Loving Criticism & Tough Loving Care!

[For the entire poetic essay, email stressdoc@aol.com]

Two Stress Resiliency Shrink Raps ™

One trend and two feedback experiences have put me on notice that I need to shift my approach to writing.  I’ve decided to write shorter pieces whenever possible.  Certainly this speaks to the trend of people being increasingly busy in their lives; reading more than ever on the run, having to scan (when not surfing) the waves of info that keeps inundating us all.  As an aside, a friend has decided to call his new media company, “Loud Mouth” ™ Productions.  I recommended the name “Smart Mouth,” but I’ve come to see his wisdom.  Let’s face it; first and foremost you have to be heard above the din.

In addition to another friend questioning my lengthy written essays (and also advising a more strategic utilization of U-Tube; hopefully there will be more coming in the near future from this arena; see the above friend with media company), the encouraging feedback from my recent and newly revised “Stress Resiliency Shrink Rap” ™ (pasted below) has me writing a new generation of “Shrink Raps” or “It Could Be Verse!”

Perhaps I should mention the first lyric, “The Visionary Emperor,” was inspired by a recent encounter with and standing up to a CEO bully.  More to come.

Of course, being psycho-loquacious by nature, I will be channeling my need to explore, elaborate, and extrapolate in a book on Stress Resiliency.  And, already crawfishing a bit, there’ll be an essay on why I believe the Resiliency Rap ™ turned out to be such a compelling piece.  The key factor may prove beneficial for you as I outline the now expanded “Five ‘P”s of Passion Power” – being Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful along with the synergistic synthesis, being Philosophical.

In addition, I will be sharing some of the insights into my own creative process.  I think it may be of value on your own singular journey.

So here are my two latest poetic excursions.  Enjoy!

Mark

-----------------------

The Visionary Emperor

There once was a man with a vision

Behind every crucial decision.
Enthroned in his tower, the praise that was showered
With a “yes, butt” condition: “Take your mission position
Now submit to my unquestioned power.”
But give him his due; he hadn’t a clue.
You don’t need a rhyme to know that fine line
Between vision and…HALLUCINATION!

Remember...

Dealing day or night

With a mind “black or white”
Blind by ego and might…
If it’s not a fair fight
Do not get uptight.
Before you take flight
Reach out for insight
That defangs a shark’s bite.
And yes, there’ll be fright
Still calmly yet firmly
Stand for integrity.
Why not play with such vanity
Now knowing their plight:  truth is kryptonite.
Once seeing the light…just let them be right.
Much better to ponder these eight words of stealth:
“It consoles them for not being anything else!”**

 

[** Immortal phrase from Andre Gide, author of The Immoralist:  One must allow others to be right…It consoles them for not being anything else.”]

© Mark Gorkin 2013

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

--------------------------------

24/7 SPEED/Stress Resiliency Shrink Rap ™:

Safe Stress Survival Strategies

By Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc" ™

Are you the “poster child” for stress and duress?
Should you try Prozac?  Is it time to confess
To Ebay shopping – which may be a warning
When you're clicking madly at three in the morning?

But relax, have no fear...
The Stress Doc is here. So lay worries to rest…
Now listen and learn to Practice Safe Stress! ™

As you sprint to the wire with blood pressure higher
Timeless mind-body tips to heed
For slowing down, getting feet on the ground
And building Natural SPEED – Sleep-Priority-Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet.

Now don't be cheap with your need for “Sleep.”
Maximum learning must be REM deep
To be a beauty with mental acuity
Not that snooze-button bashing BLEEP!

For when it comes to daily slumber

All night gaming is dumb and dumber.
You may call me a grouchy old toad:
“Pull the d_ _n plug on ‘just one more’ download.”

Chorus:  When it comes to stress – it’s a lock

               Who you gonna get – the Stress Doc!

Do the shadows of consuming insomnia

Now mushroom into munching hysteria?
Does sneaking and snacking mean values are lacking
Or a health disease with vital criteria?

[To savor these “food for thought” questions

Digest this delicious digression:
A search for en-light-ened clarity
Imbued with lingual dexterity
Alas, settles for linguistic perversity –
The neologistic** “insomnobesity” ™.]

** Neologism:  the combining of existing words to make a new, often clever term or buzzword

---------------------

But let us get back to troubles in the sack…

Always “burning the candle” is not just a scandal –
More a waxy attack fueling brain-clogging plaque
That may even nurture dementia!

Beware numbing at night with pie ala mode

Better mind travel down a pine-scented road.
Or let sounds of the ocean sing a lullaby potion
While launching a dreamy adventure.

So, can you get seven hours, at least

Without an Ambien or Bud-Lite feast?
When stress from your head crawls into the bed
And virals as a nightmarish beast...

Despite what you think you’ll need more than a shrink:

How do you find – without losing your mind…
Hey, it’s a snap, there must be an app
For a “multi-HYPER-texting ‘n tubeing-always on-Facebooking-
Skype-savvy” exorcist priest!

Chorus:  Ready to confess – join the flock

               Who you gonna get – the Stress Doc!

"P" stands for "Priority"
You can't do it all every day.
Urgent means now but important can wait.
Do you know how to "N & N"? –
Just say "No and Negotiate!"

Now I hope you’ll pardon my asking:

“Must you always be multi-tasking?”
Oh, it’s just me, honey, your Energizer Bunny.
Running from quiet, your life is a riot.
Hmm…what is that “ADD” masking?

Chorus:  Is your life a mess? – you need a rock

               Who you gonna get – the Stress Doc!

Another “P”-word is “Passion”

And we’re not talking sex, shoes, or fashion.
Don’t try to impress, better…
Learn to play chess
Or dig, dream, and dance in your garden.


"E" is for the "Empathy"
Found in a caring shoulder.
But all give without take is a big mistake
For now you shoulder a boulder.

Find a stress buddy who knows TLC

Someone honest and self-aware –
One who gives “Tender Loving Criticism”
Yet also takes “Tough Loving Care!”

Chorus:  Doing more with less – better take stock

               Who you gonna get – the Stress Doc!

The second "E" is for "Exercise"
Start pumping iron or those thighs.
You may not need SSRIs.
Try thirty minutes of non-stop spin
For your mood uplifting endorphin.

And, finally, "D" is for a healthy "Diet"
Alas, many would rather die than try it.
To manage foods so often craved
Grieve, "let go," and then be brave
Sending diet fads to an early grave.

So eat those fruits and veggies
Try fish oils and soy protein.
For too much fats and sugar
Excess alcohol and caffeine
Is a rollercoaster formula
For an artery-clogged machine.
 

Chorus:  When it comes to stress – you’re on the clock

               Who you gonna get – the Stress Doc!

It's time to end this Shrink Rap
With final tips for you –
"A firm 'No' a day keeps the ulcers away, and the hostilities too."
So to lessen daily woes, "Do know your limits; don't limit your 'No's!"

Ponder this Stress Doc wit and wisdom
Try to live it day after day:
Burnout is not a sign of failure
You simply gave yourself away.

Remember, sometimes less is more
And more is really less.
Balance work and play, faith and love
And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

© Mark Gorkin 2013

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

Strengthening Stress Resiliency and Brain Agility with Humor and Natural SPEED

My participation as the “Stress Doc” ™ at the USPTO Health Fair reminded me of two basic facts:  1) people like to laugh, especially when they can share a gentle and knowing laugh at their own flaws and foibles and 2) especially in a high demand-production work environment and a “TNT – Time-Numbers-Technology – Driven- and Distracted World, many folks are hungry for concepts, tools, and strategies that will impact and improve the quality of daily life.  In particular, professionals want to: a) facilitate stress resiliency (to bounce back with energy, conviction, and spirit from a high tension-demand situation) and b) enhance brain agility (to address or anticipate problems effectively and efficiently; building upon yet moving beyond familiar patterns of thought, cognitive focus and flexibility yields deep and diverse, productive as well as innovative viewpoints and real-time action plans).
Let me illustrate the high energy, interactive, and time-conscious approach with participants visiting my vendor table.  Within five minutes, the use of fast-paced, purposeful, and personal questions stimulated both engagement and open-mindedness about strengthening a stress management regimen and overall work-life balance. Specifically, I employed a two-step approach:

First, getting people’s attention by using an unconventional method of evoking memories of past performance pressure situations and then breaking the tension with a knowing laugh, and

Second, offering the “Stress Doc’s Formula for Natural SPEED,” that is, asking people about key mind-body health-life style choices along with communication-relationship styles; my goal is to help others more purposefully think about and plan ways to strengthen personal everyday stress resiliency and brain agility.

Finally, whenever possible I tried to inject some self-effacing mirth.  Remember, people are less defensive and more open to a serious message when it is gift-wrapped with humor.

Preparing the Mind with Humor

My opening gambit was offering those strolling by a “free stress-relieving laugh.”  In general, people took the bait.  While handing them a copy of an old “Shoe” cartoon, I suddenly declare, “Okay, but you have to get serious for ten seconds.  You’re back at school, you have a tough professor, facing a tough final exam…Read this to yourself – begin!”  Most quickly adopt a serious game face, and then proceed to read the caricature:  Shoe’s teenage nephew, Skyler, is ready to take a big exam.  Skyler declares, “I’m psyched, I studied all night…let’s go.”  He suddenly sees a box asking for “Name.”  Skyler is confused, blurting out:  “Name who?  Name what.”  Skyler starts climbing onto his desk as signs of panic distort his face.  Finally, hitting his head, the teen sheepishly says, “Oh my name…Come on Skyler, get a grip!”

Whether reading alone or with a group of “test-takers,” an array of knowing smiles and chuckles along with some laugh-out-loud guffaws invariably emerge or erupt.  Personal experience definitely affects the intensity of the reaction.  Nonetheless, almost all can relate to a previous “deer in the headlights” test-taking or stage fright type of experience.  Several parents ask to keep the cartoon, wanting to share it with a child.

Having effectively captured the individual’s or group’s attention while creating some anticipatory curiosity about this Stress Doc character, I now ask if they are ready for a rapid-fire quiz.  More specifically, “Would you like to assess and/or strengthen a capacity for personal stress resiliency and brain agility?”

All it takes is a slight nod of the head, and I’m asking participants self-reflective questions around my “Formula for Natural SPEED” – Sleep, Priorities-Passion, Empathy, Exercise & Diet.  Are you ready for the quiz?

S = Sleep.  Are you getting at least seven hours of sleep a night?  Alas, many people aren’t; either they have trouble falling asleep or getting back to sleep upon waking during the night.  Sufficient sleep is critical; for many people, consistently getting less than six hours of sleep is associated with an array of mind-body problems including deficient information processing and memory retention, along with mental mistakes and a greater propensity for accidents.  Recent sleep studies suggest that chronic insomnia may lead to both the loss of brain volume and the build-up of Alzheimer’s-related brain plaque.

In addition, chronic sleep deprivation is associated with cardiovascular complications, strokes, as well as obesity and eating disorders, as well as the onsite of diabetes symptomatology.  (Of course, there is a physiological-family predisposition factor, that is, biologically some people can function well on less than six or seven hours of sleep; however, this minority often have learned the art of “power napping.”)

Here are some “Sleep Hygiene” tips:

1.  Unplug:  Turn off all visual electronics one half hour before getting into bed.  Watching TV and especially being on the computer or tablet typically stimulates your brain.  If you were a cabdriver, now’s the time for that “Off Duty” sign.

2.  Transition to Sleep Mode:  To facilitate drowsiness, consider such sleep transition activities as taking a bath or shower, light reading, listening to soothing music or a sounds of nature CD (helping induce a meditative state); if work angst persists, itemize the things that are troubling you or make a next-day “to do” list, and then continue into sleep mode.  Of course, if sleep problems are disruptive and chronic, affecting your day-to-day mood, mindsets, and performance, then seek medical and/or psychological consultation.

3.  Power Napping:  Some folks have difficulty taking short “cat naps.”  Listening regularly to soothing sounds as part of bed-time preparation may well generalize into a capacity for a “ten to fifteen minute” rejuvenating post-lunch or mid-afternoon nap.  Wellness savvy companies are discovering the link between brief nap intervals and sustained employee productivity.

4.  Nutritional and Supplemental Support:  Some folks opt for warm milk, chamomile tea, or a small bowl of low-sugar granola cereal to help prepare for bedtime.  Others find supplements such as melatonin a useful sleep aid.  A hormone made by the brain’s pineal gland, melatonin helps regulate your wake-sleep cycle, rising in the mid-to late evening and dropping during daylight.  Seasonal (and artificial) light affects the body’s melatonin production, as does aging.  Natural melatonin levels slowly drop with age.  Some older adults make very small amounts of it or none at all.  Trace amounts are found in foods such as meats, grains, fruits, and vegetables. (Consult with a medical professional about melatonin and other sleep aid supplements.)

P = Priorities.  Three questions were posed to establish “priority consciousness”:

1) Are you comfortable saying “No” to people?

2) Are you comfortable disappointing others?
3) Do you understand when “being mindful” needs to replace “multitasking?”

In my mind, the first two questions are linked, though a number of folks might say “yes” to one question and “no” to another.  As people acknowledged, difficulty saying “No” or setting limits leads to being stretched too thin (trying to be “everything for everyone”) or being used or stepped on “like a welcome mat,” to quote one quiz-taker.  A perpetual pleaser, someone who never wants to disappoint, is inviting trouble.  Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away!  Consider this golden rule, a requisite of adult maturity:  “If you don’t find a balance between giving of yourself and giving to yourself, you are surely at risk for losing your “self”!

Some quick tips for saying “No”:

1.  With a Colleague – when a colleague, friend, or family member asks for a favor and your plate is momentarily overloaded, after hearing them out, say, “Right now I can’t assist you with “abc” but I may be able to help with “def.”  Or, call me back in two days, and I might be able to help with “abc.”  (You are allowed to put some responsibility on the favor-asking party.)  Of course, some may be grumpy with your new boundaries.  Again, hear them out and concisely reaffirm your initial position. Over-talking or excess justification erodes a sense of integrity and conviction, both in your own mind and in the eyes of others.

2.  With a “Big Boss” – when this authority declares there’s an “emergency,” the “sky is falling down,” it is critical not to let this person’s false sense of urgency become your anxiety.  (Remember, emergencies are truly life and death matters.)  Take a few breaths and respond, “I know this is a very important issue.  Because it’s critical, let’s take five minutes.  Help me reprioritize so I can give this important project the time, energy, and focus it deserves.”  Don’t just jump off a problem-solving cliff when asked or ordered; down the road, this only invites mistakes and misunderstandings.  By reframing the emergency as an “important problem” and by asking for some guidance, you are actually establishing appropriate, reality-testing boundaries, as well as gaining some stress-reducing time and sense of control.  And you may even be massaging the boss’ anxiety and ego.  (Okay, at least think about it.)

Finally, the third question about “multitasking vs. mindfulness” is actually a trick question.  Increasingly, research is revealing that our brain doesn’t multitask but quickly switches back and forth among the various tasks.  Unless the activities are simple or rote, or involve non-distracting background “noise,” multitasking yields all too predictable results:  compromised concentration and reduced performance.  When constantly “switch-tasking” the brain never gets sufficient opportunity to warm up to a specific task, thereby inhibiting the mind’s optimal potential for productive and imaginative problem-solving.

P = Passion.  The second “P” is linked to Priorities; when viewing our “TNT” world through a Natural SPEED survival lens, one must set work-life boundaries to purposefully design “Passionate” space-time; especially for the high priority of a personal hobby.  Hobbies that stimulate both mind and body like sewing, gardening, cycling, dancing, playing an instrument or a sport, etc. not only are relaxing and nurturing, but may also facilitate skill development, expand curiosity and new learning curves, along with a tangible sense of accomplishment.

In addition, research has found that activities that exercise the brain-body, e.g., formal dancing, with its need for both precise and spontaneous moves along with quick decision-making, is especially effective in helping slow down cognitive decline or dementia.  (For me, an equivalent experience/hobby was running a weekly AOL “Shrink Rap and Group Chat” group for a number of years.  As Instant Messages (IMs) would flood the screen in real time, orchestrating cross discussion, adding some concise insight, having my responses challenged, asking thought-provoking questions, and providing useful tips, while quickly setting limits on inappropriate comments, definitely kept my fingers flying and brain humming.)

E = Empathy.  My question: “Do you have a Stress Buddy (SB) in your life, especially at work?”  For example, when you’re upset with a supervisor, ready to storm into his or her office, your SB is the colleague to whom you turn:  “Before I put my foot in my mouth or someone’s butt…talk me down!”  Alas, it’s not so easy finding a mutually supportive, give and take partner.  First, listening to or reassuring others can at times itself be stressful.  Second, some folks just do a lot more taking than giving or listening.  Just make sure the shoulder lending is not a one-way transaction.  If you are always the pillar, those who lean on you may not be quick to see when you're feeling shaky.  Remember, “E” is for the “Empathy” found in a caring shoulder, but all give without take is a big mistake for now you shoulder a boulder!  Beware playing the heroic, self-denying superman or superwoman role.  Have at least one Stress Buddy with whom you can let your hair down (especially on a "bad hair day”).

E = Exercise. Do you get thirty minutes of brisk exercise three-five times a week?  Regular exercise provides both physical and psychological advantages.  Thirty minutes (or even two fifteen minute segments) of vigorous, non-stop, large muscle movement activity – brisk walking, swimming, bike riding, dancing, etc. – releases brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine which are the mind-body's natural mood enhancers and pain relievers.  It's less a runner's high and more that we can step back and see things with a calmer disposition and fresher perspective. 

When stressed, everything feel’s up in the air.  The answer: to feel grounded.  There is nothing like a brisk thirty minute walk for creating a beginning and end point for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control.  Actually, you’re developing a “success ritual.”  And while I don’t always love to exercise, after my ten-minute “while still in bed” morning routine of stretching, sit-ups, push-ups, yoga positions, etc. and my early evening walk…well, I do like feeling virtuous.

And finally, in addition to mood, endurance, and cardiovascular benefits, daily exercise aids peak performance – whether in the boardroom or bedroom!

D = Diet.  And the last question:  “Do you engage in “Brain Smart” eating?”  A diet high in saturated fats (red meat, whole milk products, fried oyster po-boys; having lived in New Orleans, I’m convinced the restaurants are owned by the cardiologists) and simple sugars (sodas, Twinkies, even most fruit yogurts are loaded with fructose or sugar) may induce a short-lived energy boost.  However, many of these selections invariably induce drowsiness and mental torpor, not to mention fostering clogged arteries and diabetes.  And too much alcohol and caffeine is a roller coaster headache – moodiness or depression often follows aggression and agitation.

To get a mind-mood advantage, try this nutritional regimen:

1) Omega 3 Fatty Acid Fish – salmon, sardines, tuna, and mackerel; especially good for brain health; these fatty acids counteract free radicals that can cause oxidative damage (akin to the rusting) of brain cells; may improve the efficiency of nerve signal transmission at synapses

2) Antioxidant Fruits and Berries – blueberries (aka “brainberries”), strawberries, raspberries; “the purples” – prunes raisins, plums, and cherries; also reduce oxidative damage to cells; in addition to slowing cognitive decline, diets rich in fiber may lower blood pressure, reduce the risk of heart attack and stroke, obesity, and diabetes; may also lower bone loss; a recent study also revealed that the men in Asian cultures with high fiber/bran intake have significantly lower rates of prostate cancer and problematic polyps

3) Leafy Green and Cruciferous Vegetables – broccoli, spinach, kale, cauliflower, red bell peppers, beets, onions, corn, eggplant; loaded with essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants these veggies promote brain health, heart health, and have cancer fighting potential; a ten year study of 13,000 nurses who ate more cruciferous and leafy vegetables in their 60’s had a lower rate of decline on a variety of learning and memory tests; the more of these vegetables eaten, the better the test scores

4) Go WACky Over Nuts – three nuts with body-mind-mood benefits are walnuts, almonds and cashews; walnuts are high in omega 3 fatty acids, decreasing cardiac risk and increasing blood flow; eating almonds daily is associated with reduced rates of heart attacks; almonds also lower blood sugar and insulin levels after meals; cashews have similar properties to heart healthy olive oil and may reduce the intensity of migraine attacks; these nuts have minerals such as magnesium, phosphorous, and copper that strengthen bones and teeth while relaxing nerves; however, don’t go nuts over nuts – have 7-10 nuts at a time to maximize dietary and weight management benefits

5) A Quick High Fiber Snack – try a celery stalk with almond butter – helps lower blood pressure and has Vitamin K, which helps fight osteoporosis; one INOVA Hospital nurse who took the SPEED test mentioned that celery may also help reduce the incidence of breast cancer.

Finally, remember, just because taking some vitamins is good don’t assume taking more is better.  There are vitamins, like Vitamin E, that can be dangerous in high doses,.  Also, vitamins and other herbal supplements can also interact with prescription medications, lowering their effectiveness or causing harmful side effects.  Again, consult with a medical or nutritional expert.

Closing Summary

I can’t think of a better way to conclude this essay than with the closing verses from my “24/7 SPEED (Shrink) Rap ™.”  (Email stressdoc@aol.com for the entire poetic lyric.)

It's time to end this Shrink Rap

With final tips for you:
"A firm 'No' a day keeps the ulcers away, and the hostilities too."
So to lessen daily woes, "Do know your limits; don't limit your 'No's!"

Ponder this Stress Doc wit and wisdom

Try to live it day after day:
Burnout is not a sign of failure
You simply gave yourself away.

Remember, sometimes less is more

And more is really less.
Balance work and play, faith and love
And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!
 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.