The Four-Step Rise of Grief Ghosts and Seven Factors Influencing their Nature – Part VI

Grief Ghosts: A Viral Metamorphosis

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding a fire that chokes dreams and desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.

Perhaps there is still time to reach for the sublime:
Grieve, let go...and go with the flow!


As noted in Part IV of my series on “Burnout and Burn-in, Loss and Grief Ghosts,” burn-in involves the silent, chronic drain of harboring unconsciously repressed or consciously resisted lingering and reverberating memories and painfully smoldering emotions connected to: a) recent and past, b) physical, psychological, and spiritual, c) personal and interpersonal, and d) professional and family, socio-cultural and organizational losses, transitions, and traumas. And, perhaps most disorienting, pressure-packed emotions and memories long denied or prematurely buried become the crucible for the birth of “Grief Ghosts.”

Let me simplify this “Four Step Rise of Grief Ghosts”:

1. Lingering Loss. You experience a painful loss – from the personal to the organizational – whether from the distant or recent past. The nature of the loss is denied or, more likely, acknowledged but quickly pushed to the back of your mind, out of everyday emotional consciousness. “It’s time to move on.” Of course, the more powerful the loss the greater is the potential for kindling grief ghosts. (In general, lingering, unrecognized, minimized, or denied loss + the significance of the loss + the absent or limited nature of grief time (the shorter the overt grief time the higher the kindling potential) + the dysfunctional/defensive characteristics of grief avoidance (e.g., substance abuse, keeping a manic- obsessive distracting schedule or pace, subtle or disguised depression, etc.) x time = the formula for ghostly production.)

2. Prematurely Buried Grief. The energy and feelings connected to the loss and the avoided or alienated grief process means painful emotions and memories are smoldering and reverberating inside. The longer and tighter one tries to keep the lid on this psychic crucible the more potent the condition for this combustible mix to become increasingly pressure-packed and incessantly loud, and to swarm furiously. Clear thought and decision-making processes are scrambled; heightened emotions if not numbed can become overwhelming.

3. Precipitating Event. Other life transitions, traumas, and losses experienced along the burn-in path may only compound and intensify this fuming and rumbling process if, once again, the grief process is basically avoided. In fact, one of these triggering hazardous events will finally be the spark that detonates the proverbial final straw, firing up, launching, and animating the underground ghosts.

4. Burn-in and the Rise of Grief Ghosts. Finally, one will implode or explode; constantly smoldering and smoking pain or shame not only is exhausting, it burns away your emotional defenses as well as your mind-body-heart-spirit insides; alas, it may be hard not to make an ash of yourself! Your combustible “burn-in” psychic mix, like the high temperatures and pressure that forms metamorphic rocks, now morphs into “Grief Ghosts.” Or subterranean, conflicting and clashing past and present voices in your head, like colliding tectonic plates, may spark the rise of metamorphic and metaphoric ghosts. Whatever the genesis, you are suddenly dealing with two battlefronts: a) the immediate real world problem in the present and b) and the unleashed spectral presence of formerly dormant, now painful, confusing, and often critical grief ghosts. And your inner reserve and resolve feels depleted if not devastated. This ‘Burn-in” process has you susceptible to depression, exhaustion or burnout, emotional overreaction, agitation, or regressing to old self-defeating “survival” patterns. These burn-in smoke signals may occur especially during times of crisis, trauma, loss, and high stress or when in the throes of challenging performance, identity-related transition, and/or intimate relating.

Seven Factors Influencing the Nature of Grief Ghosts

Are all grief ghosts alike? Of course not. The character of our “Grief Ghosts” depends on the nature of our loss, the variables surrounding this loss, and the subsequent grief reaction (including “Prematurely Buried Grief”) or response. According to Judith Viorst, in Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (The Free Press: New York, 1986, p.238), certain factors increase vulnerability to loss: “Those with a poor prior history of mental or physical health are at greater risk. So are those dealing with death by suicide. So are those spouses whose relationship with the husband or wife who died was especially ambivalent or dependent. Those who experience loss without the support of a social network tend to find trauma more intense. And the younger do worse than the older – studies find that one frequent consequence of childhood loss is a higher risk of adult-life mental illness… (Finally,) adolescents can mourn but are still more vulnerable than adults because they are experiencing so many other (psycho-physiological) losses and changes.”

Viorst also addresses the nature of grieving: “How we mourn, or if, our mourning is going to end, will depend on what we perceive our losses to be, will depend on our age and their age, will depend on how ready all of us were, will depend on the way they succumbed to mortality, will depend on our inner strengths and outer supports, and will surely depend on our prior history – on our history with the people, (positions, partnerships, programs, plans, possibilities, etc. who/that) ‘died’ and our own separate history of love and loss.”

Let’s take a closer look at these loss and grief variables. The propensity for: 1) the unleashing of ghosts, 2) the varying nature of the ghosts, and 3) the danger and opportunity for positive grief ghost resurrection and psychic rejuvenation is contingent upon:

a) Loss Significance, Identification, and Complexity
1) loss significance. The mind-body-heart-spirit significance of any loss (person, place, loss of control and competence, loss of a dream, etc.) clearly impacts the grief ghost process; to reiterate, the degree a person has prematurely buried or denied significant past “loss” issues and emotions and they now arise as grief ghosts, the immediate reaction is often a sense of danger and disorientation. Feelings of worthlessness and isolation, a sense of being hollow, profound identity confusion, and a loss of personal/professional direction may predominate. However, as we will subsequently explore, much as in the double-edged – danger and opportunity – nature of crisis, the rise of grief ghosts also allows one to more knowingly and purposefully tackle these subterranean issues which have been disrupting and constricting a life outside of one’s awareness,

2) identification, internalization, and introjection. Another factor is the degree of “identification with the lost person/object that is, the process of internalization by which we modify our self (consciously) and introjection (unconsciously) to become in some ways like this or that person out there” (Viorst); according to Freud, positive identification facilitates our letting go of the lost person, that is, we now possess internally some of their essence; of course, one may also consciously try to disavow a connection to a person (or place), e.g., the individual who says, “The last person I will be like is my old man” simply tells me how deep the kindred hook is lodged; avoiding the grief process naturally impedes more healthy and current identification; avoidance also builds up and exaggerates critical voices and subterranean introjects or internalizations, along with subconsciously heightening feelings of early abandonment and separation anxiety; all these dynamics influence a person’s overt and covert thoughts and behavior and fuel the creation of grief ghosts,

3) loss complexity. Early childhood internalizations along with the degree of closeness and/or conflict in an intimate relationship and/or with significant role relations affects the depth and personal impact of a loss; ironically, for example, grief research indicates that for couples who had more dysfunctional or codependent relationships than couples in healthier partnerships, instead of relief (which might seem commonsensical) the death of a spouse typically results in more complicated grieving; clearly, there is burdensome amount of emotions and issues that not only remain “unresolved” and ghostly but likely were never honestly and healthfully addressed,

b) Loss Dynamics/Context – the bio-psycho-social-cultural-historical dynamics surrounding the loss altogether impact: 1) the immediate emotional experience, 2) the subsequent grief, 3) the reaction to a triggering event or stressor, as well as 4) the genesis and make-up of ghosts; e.g., one’s reaction may be different when losing a family member to a heart attack when death is sudden and unexpected compared to a second fatal attack; either cardiac scenario is obviously a different “loss context” than having a family member incinerated in the Twin Towers on 9/11 or die in a head-on vehicular collision.

I also want to highlight two compelling factors regarding the nature of loss dynamics-context and subsequent ghostly impact:

1) Gender. Gender differences clearly can have a ghostly impact. In Carol Gilligan’s thought-provoking In a Different Voice she refers to a study indicating that while men represent powerful activity as assertion and aggression, women in contrast portray acts of nurturance as acts of strength. Openly grappling with and sharing sadness, loss, and emotional pain clearly is still not the masculine norm. The result is a grief process more quickly aborted or altogether avoided. Conversely, under stress and in pain, women typically see a capacity for nurturance and interdependence (giving and receiving support and sustenance) as a sign of strength. Even highly successful professional women describe themselves in the context of a relationship, while men perceive their identity in terms of power and separateness. And finally, concerning moral reasoning women emphasize connectedness and care (attachment) and men stress personal integrity (separateness). To expand the old stress survival adage, men, especially the “strong silent types,” typically fight or flight while women (not necessarily adolescent girls of any age) often tend and befriend.

However Gilligan is trying to rebalance the scales; one moral code is not superior to the other. Rather they represent two modes of experience and interpretation which together could enable us to “arrive at a more complex rendition of human experience.” Both the voice of relatedness and the voice of separateness are needed to define adult maturity.

2) Transition. Daniel Levinson, in The Seasons of a Man’s Life, highlights a wide-ranging psychosocial context that often triggers and shapes ghostly manifestations: In periods of transition we are challenging/terminating the premises of our life structure – raising questions, exploring new possibilities. Each termination is an ending, a process of separation and loss. The task of a developmental transition is to terminate a time in one’s life; to accept the losses the termination entails; to review and evaluate the past; to decide which aspects of the past to keep and which to reject; and to consider one’s wishes and possibilities for the future. One is suspended between past and future, and struggling to overcome the gap that separates them. Much from the past must be given up – separated from, cut out from one’s life, rejected in anger, renounced in sadness or grief…

As our past realities start to collapse, we challenge the self-definitions that have sustained us, finding that everything seems up for grabs, questioning who we are and what it is we are trying to be, and whether, in this life of ours, the only life we have, our achievements and goals hold any value. Does our marriage make sense? Is our work worth doing? Have we matured – or have we simply sold out? Do our connections with family and friends rest on a loving exchange or on desperate dependencies? How free and how strong do we wish – do we dare – to be?...There is much that can be used as a basis for the future. Changes must be attempted in both self and the world…

My compressed poetic take on Levinson: One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin. The complement of that masculine, yang-like perspective may well be the more maturational and evolved, yin-like need to merge in order to reemerge (Gilbert Rose, author and student of psychoanalysis and creativity). For example, according to Levinson, the demands of parenthood press us into a polarization of roles. However, the potential of grappling with “mid-life transition” is the development and the direct expression of our shadow gender side (men explore tenderness and sensuality; women explore executive and “political” capacity), that is, some blending of our yin-yang natures.

c) Capacity and Opportunity for and Extent of Grieving – one’s own psychological capacity for grieving along with family-socio-cultural support or discouragement to grieve; in addition, there’s the extent of initial, conscious bereavement before prematurely burying live grief; an axiom of this model is that for a significant loss grief is never “finished or resolved”; such losses and accompanying emotional memories, overt and covert voices and messages, etc., will always need to be recollected and reflected upon, if not require some periodic emotional remembrance or mourning, if ghosts are not to roam your psychic mindscape,

d) Childhood Losses – whether you also experienced early childhood losses or traumas through for example, death of a family member, disaster, separation, remarriage and reconstituted families, and illness – involving person, place, personal control, developmental progress and identity, etc.; research indicates the earlier an individual experiences loss or abandonment the more susceptible to disruptive trauma and the less resilient they are in overcoming post-traumatic reaction or disorder,

e) Psychological and Developmental Parallels – the degree of emotional connection or psychological similarity between past and present losses, e.g., I previously noted the initially unrecognized psychological connection for a Vietnam Vet between the death of his wife in a household fire and his emotional disorientation one week after 9/11; however, this is also a normative process as delineated by Therese Benedek in “Parenthood as a Developmental Phase,” Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, Vol. 7, pp. 389-417: “At each successive stage of a child’s development his (or her) parents are afforded another chance to work through, or reinforce, solutions to (unconscious developmental) conflicts arising at a comparable stage of their own childhood,”

f) Prematurely Buried Timeline – the length of time that the loss or trauma has been suppressed or repressed, that is, insufficiently grieved; in general the longer the dismissal or denial the greater the intensity of “Ghost Grief”-building psychic pressure from internal heat-stress to conflicting-agitating voices,

g) Tightness of Lid and Rigidness/Riskiness of Coping – the tightness of the lid on your psychic grief ghost crucible, and the self-defeating nature of coping strategies used to neutralize or numb the subterranean pain, e.g., substance or sex abuse, co-dependency, mania or depression, a wide range of escapist behaviors, etc.; however, this rigidity only delays the time for reckoning while eroding the mind-body-spirit; as Viorst avers, “until we can mourn that past, until we can mourn and let go of the past, we are doomed to repeat it.” Until we can embrace our grief ghosts, that is, dig behind the mask, open the psychic coffin, and then consciously resurrect and wrestle with our ghosts, we are doomed to be hounded and haunted by them.

Surely words to help one and all at critical moments of transition or trauma...Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V

Agenda:

1. Grief Ghosts Lyric Revised. As I continue to play with the verse, a variety of perverse images abound: a) soul-sucking phantoms evoked associations to the “Deatheaters” in Harry Potter, and I liked the soul-sucking alliteration, b) spiral, madly morph, conspire nicely set the stage for the transformation to come, c) Grief Ghosts to Trojan worms (I can’t help but having this totally incongruous image of little worms wearing those USC gladiator helmets); worms, of course, have multiple meanings; e.g., they play an invaluable role for our ecology, churning and oxygenating (aerating) the soil; however a Trojan worm can also be a malevolent piece of software, disguised as a wonderful offering, that can devastate our computers and connectivity.

2. A new essay in the continuing saga: “Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V.” These questions are also relevant for anyone in the throes of burn-in or burnout. The questions relate to your sense of:
1) Ideal vs. Real Self
2) Security vs. Danger
3) Time Sense
4) Aliveness vs. Stagnation
5) Animation vs. Alienation
6) Freedom vs. Responsibility
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grief Ghosts: A Viral Metamorphosis

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding the fire that razes desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.

----------------------------------------

“The Burn-in Virus – Part IV” provided a comprehensive definition of “Burn-in” while also outlining the dynamics and consequences of “Prematurely Buried Grief” (PBG). In addition, key sources fueling burn-in were enumerated and, finally, “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics” were introduced. The previous segment, “The Erosive Grief-Ghost Spiral – Part III,” examined the potential interconnection between burnout and burn-in, while also further fleshing out the concept of “Burnout.”


Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V

It is time to examine “Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Grief Trauma or Transition Passage.” These questions are also relevant for anyone in the throes of burn-in or burnout. The questions relate to your sense of:
1) Ideal vs. Real Self
2) Security vs. Danger
3) Time Sense
4) Aliveness vs. Stagnation
5) Animation vs. Alienation
6) Freedom vs. Responsibility

As will be obvious shortly, both elements of the polarity have positive and negative potential. An optimal dynamic balance is the goal.

Working with Gail Sheehy’s “Mid-Life” Passage Questions from her late-20th c. bestseller, Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, I have explicitly differentiated her four polarities (#s1-4) and added two. These emo-existential questions reverberate in three domains: 1) our everyday person-situation “eco”-consciousness (human ecology is the relationships between individuals and social groups and their physical and social-cultural environments, Free Dictionary.com) and 2) our past memories, associated emotions, and conscious and unconscious voices in our head or “echo”-consciousness, and 3) our “ego” consciousness or the degree of perceived “self-in-our-world” competence and confidence, control and connection, conflict and creativity that bridges and synergizes the perception of present-past-future. Ego consciousness is also a conduit between eco- and echo-consciousness.

These six issues take on particular relevance during times of: a) acute crisis or chronic exhaustion due to major loss, trauma, or transition, b) grappling with burnout or burn-in, and c) in the throes of work-role-identity performance and relationship intimacy/authority challenges.

Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Burn-in-Burnout, Crisis-Trauma Grief-Transition Passage

1. Ideal vs. Real Self. What is the gap between your ideal self and your real one?
a) Too Small a Gap. Little or no gap and you are likely resting on an inflated ego or are passing up vital learning opportunities; is the timing really right to go into cruise control or retirement mode?; or has life worn you down so that dreams and hopes are mostly a thing of the past?; perhaps your niche of success now has you stuck in the ditch of excess; maybe your self-image is at a critical crossroad;

b) Too Wide a Gap. Conversely, too broad a chasm and you may feel defeated or at least have diminished confidence and self-esteem issues; critical voices from the past may be a constant reminder of the shortfall in your career, earning power, mate, parental status, (or lack thereof), etc.; a huge gap may induce a feeling of helplessness or powerlessness, especially if trying and not succeeding equates to being a “loser”; perhaps you have a rich fantasy life, but it’s mostly lived out in your head; sometimes audacious goals (or egoals, i.e., when you are driven more by personal pride and ego needs than by reality-based, optimal risk-stretch, and meaningful goals) are a cover for self-doubt, inadequacy, or even a “fear of failure,” that is, sometimes striving unrealistically high is game-playing manipulation to save face in the event of failure; remember, expectations and effort are key, e.g., consider these two admonishing and questioning quotes: a) pursuing the unobtainable makes impossible the realizable, and b) the second by an officer talking to his soldiers: We are not what we believe…Is it because what we believe is not possible or because we refuse to become what we believe?;

c) Optimal Gap. However, an optimal gap between an “ideal-genuine” self: a) facilitates framing so-called “failure” as the transitional or exploratory space between your aspiration and current position and b) heightens drive, curiosity, and motivation, stimulating you to purposefully meander, discover or design, and evolve a real world sense of competence and a capacity for growth.

2. Security vs. Danger. In your life, what is the balance between security and danger?
a) Too Much Security. Being over-driven by security needs may reflect comfort with or defending the status quo, and/or being risk-averse; you don’t want to try and “fail” and risk being seen as a “loser”; in addition, such a stance may impede the capacity or desire to understand (or care about) other people’s needs, resources, and skills;

b) Too Much Danger. Then again, a life constantly filled with danger may be a sign of being an adrenaline or thrill seeking junkie; some research indicates that one motive of thrill-seeking may be to escape personal depression; or perhaps forever hyper-vigilant means feeling anxious, exhausted, and out of control;

c) Optimal Balance. However, there’s another perspective: of all his accomplishments, basketball legend Michael Jordan was perhaps most proud that at the end of the game with victory or defeat on the line, he was willing to take (and take the consequences of making or missing) that last critical shot; MJ knew he had done the necessary “10,000 hours” of mastery practice and preparation and trusted in “his best shot”; flexibly focused tension or “relaxed attention” encourages meandering (both mentally and physically) as well as productive risk-taking; at the same time, Jordan was willing to cajole and challenge teammates to make sure their “eyes were on the championship prize”; while an icon and a controlling (Jordan Rules) iconoclast, his “Airness” still fulfilled commitments and built a team foundation.

Consider the words of another icon that recognized the interaction of security and danger in the human drama. Dr. Jonas Salk, a pioneering founder of the polio vaccine, posited a human scale notion of personal evolution: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down, being courageous one more time than you are fearful…and trusting just one more time than being anxious.

3. Time Sense. Do you believe you have plenty of time or does it feel like it’s running out?
a) Too Much Time. Always feeling there’s a surfeit of time may leave one unfocused if not demotivated, with procrastination often an issue; of course, sometimes an increase in time sense reflects a recent loss, whether of a role or a relationship; and while there may be a sense of emptiness and confusion without daily structure, the words of the 20th c. Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, still ring true: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain; Camus seems to be intimating that: 1) we have invested so much time and energy in the object of our love and/or responsibility, or 2) there’s a degree of unhealthy dependency in the role or relationship (e.g., being married to the job or an identity solely defined by your being a spouse or a parent), that we may have lost sight of our own interests, identity, integrity, and need to evolve.

b) Too Little Time. A chronic shortage of time may lead to distraction, feeling frenzied or overwhelmed, perhaps accompanied by impulse control issues, careless performance, or simply giving up; according to psychiatrist, Jerome Frank, “hopelessness is an inability to imagine a tolerable future”; yet, there’s often no more powerful motivator than when we feel that time is running out, e.g., the unexpected death of a 30-something, mountain climbing, avocado salad-eating beloved research hospital manager had a profound impact on several colleagues, according to a hospital administrator; these colleagues were now coming to him concerned about the fragility and uncertainty of life – “time’s running out and I need to get on a more meaningful, targeted, or upwardly-mobile career track.”

c) Optimal Time. An efficient (“do the thing right”) and effective (“do the right thing”) time balance means there’s an ebb and flow between high energy and meaningful activity, between being spontaneous and deliberate, between staying on course and knowing when to embrace risk – “to grieve, let go, and go with the flow”; you know when to rest and play, and in yin-yang fashion you are able to blend “human doing” and “human being.”

4. Aliveness vs. Stagnation. What is the balance between aliveness and stagnation in your life?
a) Too Much Aliveness. excess may mean your electricity is always on in hyperactive fashion, perhaps always burning the candles at both ends; or maybe you are in a digital daze, always wired and often hyper-distracted; or forever talking, monopolizing the conversation, overtly or subtly demanding attention and, of course, impaired as a listener;

b) Too Much Stagnation. Too much stagnation and the world seems boring and colorless, or maybe you’re verging on futility and depression; or in an age of rapid technological change you seem to be losing your hair and developing scales, while climate conditions and currents increasingly determine your body temperature (and blood pressure); in response to feeling threatened you exhibit toxic defenses, and, in general, you are losing a capacity for productive adaptation – structurally you are evolving in reverse, morphing from mammal to reptile, if not becoming a dinosaur;

c) Optimal Balance. Aliveness means bringing an alert, vital, joyful self to your activities and relations; however, a capacity for blending both vitality, perhaps even a little or selective mania, along with judicious restraint and detached concern, including a tolerance for uncertainty or feeling stuck as one incubates on a solution or strategy, and even being appropriately melancholy as one both grieves a loss and gradually or suddenly (Aha!) envisions anew, lays the groundwork for greater breadth and depth to cognitive processing and creative problem solving, and ultimately yields some hard-earned wisdom.

5. Animation vs. Alienation. Does your life reflect a dynamic balance between animation and alienation? My use of the term “animation” goes deeper than vibrancy and enthusiasm (see “Aliveness” above). It is dynamic in the sense of the internal, sometimes unconscious forces that comprise one’s deepest, truest self. In fact, anima refers to a person’s inner “spirit” or essence in contrast to an “outer game face,” mask, or “persona.”

a) Too Much Animation. Authenticity is not commonplace; it is usually an admirable if not a frequently admired quality. However, three drawbacks come to mind: 1) when one’s openness, sensitivity, and “tenderness” leaves one damaged, devastated, or enraged by disappointment or criticism – whether valid or not, and 2) when “honesty” is confused with being authentic; that is, when expressing your “genuine feelings” have more to do with some covert hostility and shame; you’re not “being real” or “speaking your truth”; one’s motive has less to do with affirming integrity or repairing or strengthening a relationship, but may actually reflect conscious fear or aggression as well as “grief ghost” displacement, and 3) when one’s exploration of the spiritual realms fairly consistently blinds one to essential needs and requirements of the actual world; perhaps high level yogis and Buddhist monks being the exceptions,

b) Too Much Alienation. This quandary arises when there is insufficient space for or recognition of your spirit, your essence, and your larger self. And, of course, alienation begins at home when we are denying our own essential self or “anima.” (For example, this estrangement can occur whether denying one’s sexual orientation or by distancing oneself from or actively rejecting one’s own masculine or feminine energy and essence. And of course, alienation can also occur from endless and unchangeable struggle involving a poor role-relationship fit with a position, partner, or organization, especially when one’s cherished values or genuine voice is forever being compromised or cut short. For example, I'll never forget how my research psychologist friend, Jim, knew it was time to move into the clinical psychology field. Jim had a dream where he was strapped to a lab table and the rats were operating on him!)

c) Optimal Balance. For me an amalgam of animation and alienation, that dynamic balance of the pursuit of one’s inner spirit and engagement with outer reality, is reflected in a quote from the popular ‘60s fictional work, The Phantom Tollbooth: Fantasy and imagination suggest how the world might be. Knowledge and experience limit the possibilities. Melding the two yields understanding.

This perspective balances both being intuitively and holistically immersed (right hemisphere) and objectively and analytically detached (left hemisphere; achieving bihemispheric “peace of minds”); as a consultant I call this paradoxical “detached involvement” space being an “intimate outsider”; it’s a a role that facilitates impartiality, independence, and the building of trusting relationships. This mix also generates focus and flexibility as one is not so attached to the prevailing traditions or trends. Such a capacity for being both goal-focused and flexible regarding long-term objectives and short-term opportunities, as well as an ability to accommodate critical feedback and mid-course correction is the essence of creative and effective problem-solving. Two seemingly contradictory quotations capture the importance of fantasy, focus, and flexibility. The first is from a law firm executive; the second is a Stress Doc maxim:

a) “Strive high and embrace failure.” For a head of a law firm, no matter the project, his goal was a 100% success rate, yet he understood this was frequently elusive. In a way he was alienated from his own animated pursuit of the ideal; could poke paradoxical fun at the inherent gap. His mantra exalted concerted effort and bold persistence along with learning from mistakes over the illusion of perfection; hard-earned wisdom was prized over “one right way” shortcuts and seductive yet short-lived control.

b) “I don’t know where I’m going…I just think I know how to get there.” This aphorism suggests that for achieving an important and heartfelt goal or reaching a key destination that affirms one’s integrity, there may be value in some sense of confusion about or alienation from the tried and (allegedly) true; there’s method to the “madness” of meandering purposefully and playfully. That is, new insight, opportunity, or discovery may require “letting go” of the familiar or getting off the beaten path and taking time for trial and error exploration. (See above, “Strive high and embrace failure.”) Of course, this mindset requires a tolerance for some uncertainty or feeling lost. Also necessary is a sufficient degree of patience, as well as (men…pay attention here) knowing when to ask for directions.

6. Freedom vs. Responsibility. This emo-existential polarity is another addition to Sheehy’s critical transitional questions during crisis points or passages.
a) Too Much Freedom. For some there is too much freedom; a lack of structure or routine evokes a sense of disorientation or ennui. While initially proclaiming “they’ve been let out of jail,” without sufficient external structure many start feeling aimless or without purpose, (an obvious example – the crisis of retirement for some Type As);

b) Too Much Responsibility. Conversely, too much responsibility and routine can be suffocating, especially for individuals possessing free-spirited, entrepreneurial, or creative natures; or for more introverted/introspective individuals or “craftsmen” types, insufficient time to process emotions and/or obsess about ideas and tinker with work quality or innovation evokes a sense of being stifled or of not having lived up to one’s standards; or too much restraint or monotony deadens the spirit and begins to bring on a burnout state;

c) Optimal Balance. An optimal blend means balancing “The Stress Doc’s Triple ‘A’ of Responsibility and Resiliency – Authority, Autonomy, & Accountability"; whatever the personal, family, or organizational role, the mature and evolving individual within an adaptive-productive relationship and system has an opportunity to affirm and exercise his unique perspective and passions, skills and talents ("Authority & Autonomy"); and at the same time this individual is motivated to be “respectful, real, responsible, and responsive” to others and to fulfilling reasonable role expectations in his or her world ("Accountability"). (Email stressdoc@aol.com for the essay “The Four ‘R’s of PRO Relating”.)

Stay tuned for more on the saga of Grief Ghosts. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Burn-in Virus: Lingering Loss, Prematurely Buried Grief, and the Rise of Grief Ghosts -- Part IV

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding the fire that razes desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.


Part III began with a vignette that revealed how denying past loss and trauma confounds and contaminates one’s present functioning. It also illustrated how one may need to experience burnout in order to acknowledge and ultimately grapple with primal burn-in “Grief Ghosts.” Next there was a classic definition of burnout followed by an outline of five major sources of burnout and a poignant and playful upgrade to the “Four Stages of Burnout.” (Email stressdoc@aol.com for Part III.)

Definition of Burn-in

Now it’s time to define more carefully the newly conceived “Burn-in” and to differentiate burn-in (with its typically more internal, "draining" yin energy and essence) from burnout (with its more external, "straining" yang nature). Akin to burnout, burn-in is also a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. However, in contrast to the external demands, excessive responsibilities, and over (or under) whelming grind of burnout, burn-in involves the silent, chronic drain of harboring unconsciously repressed or consciously resisted lingering and reverberating memories and smoldering emotions connected to recent and past, physical and psychological losses, transitions, and traumas. And, perhaps most disorienting, painful emotions and memories long denied or prematurely buried become the crucible for the birth of “Grief Ghosts.”

Let me simplify this “Three Step Rise of Grief Ghosts”:
1. Lingering Loss. You experience a painful physical or psychological loss whether from the distant or recent past. The nature of the loss is denied or, more likely, acknowledged but quickly pushed to the back of your mind, out of everyday emotional consciousness. “It’s time to move on.” Of course, the more powerful the loss the greater is the potential for kindling grief ghosts. (In general, lingering, unrecognized or minimized loss x significance of loss + absent or aborted grief x time is the formula for ghostly production.)

2. Prematurely Buried Grief. The feelings connected to the loss and the aborted or alienated grief process means painful emotions and memories are smoldering and reverberating inside. The longer and tighter one tries to keep the lid on this psychic crucible the more potent the condition for this combustible mix to become increasingly pressure-packed and incessantly loud, and to swarm furiously. Clear thought and decision-making processes are scrambled; heightened emotions if not numbed can become overwhelming. Other life transitions, traumas, and losses experienced along the burn-in path may only compound and intensify this fuming and rumbling process.

3. Burn-in and the Rise of Grief Ghosts. Finally, one will implode or explode; constantly smoldering and smoking pain or shame not only is exhausting, it burns away your emotional defenses as well as your mind-body-heart-spirit insides; alas, it may be hard not to make an ash of yourself! Your combustible “burn-in” psychic mix, like the high temperatures and pressure that forms metamorphic rocks, now morphs into “Grief Ghosts.” Or subterranean, conflicting and clashing past and present voices in your head, like colliding tectonic plates, may spark the rise of metaphoric ghosts. Whatever the genesis, you are suddenly dealing with two battlefronts: a) the immediate real world problem in the present and b) and the unleashed spectral presence of formerly dormant, now painful, confusing, and often critical grief ghosts. And your inner reserve and resolve feels depleted if not devastated. You are susceptible to emotional overreaction or regressing to old self-defeating “survival” patterns especially during times of crisis, trauma, loss, and high stress or when in the throes of challenging performance, identity-related transition, and/or intimate relating.

Another Immobilizing Metaphor

Let me try a more contemporary metaphor. Painful losses and evolving phantasms that have not been honestly, courageously, and meaningfully mourned can go viral. It’s as if an undetected virus has been slowly yet steadily corrupting your inner hard-drive, your mother board and operating system, along with the random access memory, while also releasing a disruptive Trojan-phantom program called “The Rise of Grief Ghosts.” Form becomes deformed, function morphs into dysfunction. Over time, burn-in emotions – from fear, frustration, guilt, anger, and ennui to panic, rage, shame, numbness, despair, along with mania and melancholia – smolder, disrupt, combust and, finally, often erupt. You may be in a battle with the now looming and swirling (as opposed to the silently erosive) grief ghosts for control over your mind-body-spirit and family-work-life balance ship of state. Grief ghosts – overt or covert – if not emotionally engaged and grieved wear down resiliency and increase susceptibility to negative post-traumatic effects. And naturally, this spectral eruption not only leads to disorienting, reactive, and self-defeating or self-destructive behavior but also contaminates communications and interactions with others.

Dynamics and Consequences of Prematurely Buried Grief (PBG)

Whatever the motivation, Prematurely Buried Grief (PBG) is a heavy yet quietly stealthy bio-psycho-social weight that, alas, one often “gets used to” carrying over time and, sadly, its debilitating impact is often unnoticed. PBG’s maladaptive effect frequently eludes the bearer’s as well as observers’ notice until it’s too late. (I have likened it to running a race with an invisible 25 lb. weight attached to your ankle. Almost everything becomes a strain.) This PBG individual is germinating grief ghosts and is susceptible to “burn-in” or “burn-in induced burnout.” (See Part III of this series for a case example of the latter. Grief ghosts denied, of course, can also lead to mental health issues including depression and substance abuse, as well as transfigure emotional pain into panic or trauma.)

Sufficiently grieving a significant loss that prevents the incubation of grief ghosts and contributes to understanding and growth is rarely a one-trial learning curve. As was outlined in Part III, there are initial grief stages and various emotional states to be engaged in the months, sometimes years ahead. In addition, fully tapping into this underground resource becomes an ongoing, lifetime process of memory and reflection, identification with and integration of the psycho-spiritual essence and value of the person, place, thing, dream, or illusion mourned. The specific nature of a head, heart, and soul expanding or contracting grief journey is channeled by the bio-psycho-social history, personality, emotional support, as well as the degree of order and challenge, rigidity and flexibility in the individual’s eco-cultural landscape and mindscape.

Burn-in sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. Yet many are leery of entering the dark and deep labyrinth of grief, afraid of discovering a shadowy monster within, or that once unleashed, the streaming tears will turn into an uncontrollable raging river. And combined with the cultural messages such as “don’t look back; just move on,” “stop feeling sorry for yourself,” or “aren’t you overdoing the martyr role,” not surprisingly, this hulking, smoldering ghost and the need to meaningfully and deeply grieve is often barely recognized in a “TNT” - “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world. Be advised, at this very moment, these ghosts are loitering in your office halls and on your work floors. In fact, some of the grief ghost carriers distract themselves by always getting into other people’s business. Very quickly a “ghost carrier” can become a “stress carrier.”

Key Fuel Sources for the Burn-in Smolder

So what nature and nurture life experiences and predispositions become kindling for “Burn-in?” Key sources include:
a) lingering life cycle – natural and normative, developmental and transitional – losses insufficiently mourned – whether from natural devastation, e.g., loss of a home and a community in a tornado or hurricane, to man-made decisions and disasters e.g. drug abuse, gang violence, and other health-risk life style choices, to downsizings and divorces, bankruptcies, and foreclosures, or fatal or disabling vehicular accidents; these types of loss often affect more than the material, impacting one’s identity and belief in the future,
b) traumatic experiences denied, prematurely buried, “not discussed in public,” or pushed aside by false pride or shame, e.g., mental illness issues in a family, rape, political torture or prison/immigration camp experience, or PTSD in the military,
c) the gradual loss or deflation of a dream, e.g., having to change self-defining career paths, drop out of school, sell or step away from a personal business or home, whether because: 1) it’s no longer profitable, 2) increasing age or infirmity makes it difficult to sustain the practice or upkeep, or 3) the endeavor has grown beyond your expertise, maturity, and control,
d) the poignant pain of early childhood deaths and illnesses, separations, and abandonments on both individuals and members of the family system, e.g., a parent’s “breakdown” and subsequent lingering depression or diminished emotional presence on a relationship with a child; (e.g., research shows that adults with major early loss issues when exposed to hazardous situations are more susceptible to post-traumatic effects),
e) childhood abuse or bullying; of course, bullying is not confined to the schoolyard – childhood and domestic abuse occurs in the bedroom and worksite bullying is found in the boardroom and on the work floor: the issue of workplace bullying is beginning to share the spotlight with sexual harassment; both may leave indelible scars, and
f) genetic-family predisposition for depression or other mind-body disabilities, along with the stigmatizing societal labels attached by self and others, all may fuel a smoldering, if not burning fire that consumes self-esteem.

All six of these environmental, experiential, and emotional sources and mind-body states and traits, alone or intermingled, intensify the challenge of understanding and managing one’s moods and mindsets, developing work performance competency, as well as evolving emotionally intelligent and successful relationship skills. These hazardous conditions and predispositions often set the stage for eventual burn-in-or burnout implosion or explosion.

Key Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics of Burn-in

As noted earlier, unlike the external demands, excessive responsibilities, and over (or under) whelming everyday grind of burnout, burn-in involves the silent, chronic drain of harboring unconsciously repressed or consciously resisted lingering and reverberating memories and smoldering emotions connected to recent and past losses, transitions, and traumas. And, perhaps most disorienting, painful memories long denied or prematurely buried become the crucible for the birth of “Grief Ghosts.” In viral fashion, these poignant, prematurely buried losses and subsequent ghosts eat away or contaminate your energy, psychic equilibrium, memory, and concentration, along with your self-esteem, identity, and integrity. At minimum, these silent specters have you frequently questioning and doubting yourself. Grief ghosts – overt or covert – if not emotionally engaged and grieved wear down resiliency and increase susceptibility to negative post-traumatic effects. Painful memories from the past get stirred making resiliency or recovery in the face of trauma that more daunting. And naturally, this spectral eruption not only leads to disorienting, reactive, and self-defeating or self-destructive behavior but also contaminates communications and interactions with others.

Let’s examine “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics”:

1. Ecosystem vs. Echo-system. In contrast to burnout’s chronically stressful ecosystem, the foundation of burn-in is a distracting echo-system. That is, in addition to the aforementioned drain of lingering loss and premature or insufficient mourning, there’s the interference of old grief ghost voices. This reverberating static may distract, anxiously overwhelm, or out shout existing thoughts and feelings, beliefs and values that are not grounded in genuine self-awareness and self-confidence.

And sometimes, mere recall of these ghosts is not sufficient to silence the reverberating and endlessly ringing static; to achieve mind-body-spirit harmony you have to psychologically if not physically wrestle with the pain and the loss. There are times we all must enter that “dark and hollow night of the soul” cave, to embrace our shame and fight for our survival, integrity, and peace of mind. For the lingering and worsening pain of ongoing grief that is not sufficiently acknowledged, that is ignored, deferred, diminished, dismissed, shunned, or denied provides the crucible for consolidating raw emotional energy, heartache, or agony into looming, lurking, and loitering grief ghosts. (The entire litany of grief ghosts will be provided in a future series segment.)

Consider this poignant and reverberating example. A friend and colleague, a former Artillery Officer in Vietnam, was perplexed as to why he was feeling so unsettled a week after 9/11. He’d seen plenty of mayhem in his tour of duty, and had knowingly talked with me about it. His powerful war-time experience did not seem to be the crux of his dis-ease. I thought a moment, and then asked, “Didn’t your first wife die years before in a fire that broke out in your home?” Now J. somberly added that he had been unsuccessful in his attempts to rescue her. Suddenly, a knowing look came across his face: “I hadn’t thought of that.” The burning towers of 9/11 had amplified an echo that subliminally was pulling at J.’s gut and heart strings. The grief ghost had come alive; however once embraced emotionally, its powers to disorient and disturb were defused in the moment of epiphany. And if these personal losses are periodically recollected and reflected upon, especially at times of vulnerable loss or separation, those early painful memories may become poignant ones. Grief ghosts will likely remain in hibernation, to be awakened at the time and place of your choosing. Or, when you realize that grief ghosts are often spontaneously aroused during crisis periods, there presence will be less disorienting.

2. From Wearing Out to Shame and Doubt. Because burn-in is often a slow burn, the loss of your role or identity is gradual not surgical, the exhaustion may creep up on you, before you realize the extent of your depletion and disorientation. However, there have likely been signposts along the burn-in path: increasing errors or diminished performance, loss of interest in familiar or favorite activities, going into a social shell or, conversely, in the throes of conflict, displaying “out of character” defensive, exaggerated, agitated, insensitive, or hostile reactions. Clearly, there are some parallels with a depressive or agitated-depressive state. And as your energetic, conscious, decision-making self withdraws or feels stuck, fertile psychic ground emerges for the increasing presence of grief ghosts. And with longevity comes even greater distraction.

3. Amplification of a Ghostly Voice. Over an extended time, the ignored loitering ghost’s voice, while perhaps once operating at a subterranean decibel level, now gets louder and louder, gets more emotionally shrill and accusatory. These past judgmental authority voices often generate a critical static that disrupts our psychic wavelength clarity and distorts or exacerbates memory channels. The potential for amplification only increases in the throes of crisis or as you encounter new and challenging work-life-family transitions, performance-role challenges, and potentially intimate relationships. A new father was struck by how his father’s emotional expressions, ones he did not want to replicate, seemed to unconsciously fly out of his mouth. The more I hear a person declare, “The last person I’ll ever be like is my old man,” the surer I am of a haunted psyche.

4. The Lingering and Introjected Personal-Emotional Toll. Disengaged or alienated grief dries up the emotional juice provided by a once living and breathing, inspiring, and/or infuriating important person, place, position, and/or emotional period in one’s life. As noted, disconnection with the emotions surrounding loss turns burn-in energy and pressure into lingering or loitering ghosts. (Please don’t take my experience having inspiring conversations and vexing head and heart battles with a deceased's voice and internalized essence for the "real" thing, that is, an actual belief in the material existence of ghosts.)

Leaving the ghostly argument to others, consider this startling psychological phenomenon. Most of us know, often first hand, that children are shaped by positive and negative messages from significant others. The praise or ridicule of an authority figure usually has a powerful impact. What often escapes understanding is that they/we also internalize (unconsciously take on or “introject”) the negative and positive emotions and self-images (conscious and otherwise) that these vital and meaningful others have about themselves. Surely, this early, unconsciously internalized psycho-family drama, especially when painful and beyond a child’s comprehension (or even awareness if there are family secrets) is fodder for the birth and evolution of grief ghosts.

This introjected transfusion includes silent emotional energy (positive and negative), degree of self-regard, and the eventual overt and covert communication with insufficiently mourned, lingering, lurking, and even lashing out ghosts. For me, this is a mind-blower. That is, for example, a parent’s or grandparent’s shame or confidence (or lack thereof) unwittingly becomes part of our sense of self and degree of self-esteem, our level of confidence and trust in our competence. The nature of this introjection ultimately impacts how we communicate with our own self as well as with our capacity to relate with others. We are an active and receptive player in a family-ghostly drama, often beyond our apprehension, whether we want to be or not. And the longer the internalized emotions-lingering ghost walks alone, isolated, unrecognized, denied, dismissed, or shunned, the louder and more judgmental the covert voice or look, the heavier the emotional toll and loitering fine. (Insert Hamlet’s Ghost here.) Clearly, when not released through grieving, the negative energy, lingering losses, and critical voices from the past are often interred in our bones and brain.

5. The Disruptive Interpersonal Toll. Remember, restless, rejected ghosts make us susceptible to dysfunctional conflict as we displace onto others old hurts and humiliations. Grief ghost static often induces a low threshold for feeling “disrespected” yet also may generate compensatory hubris, i.e., arrogance or false pride. Personality traits or behaviors we find objectionable often escape self-righteous awareness; those same negative or undesirable qualities of others reside in the grief ghosts of our own making. Ignoring the reality of being quietly consumed by past grief-personal ghosts contaminates and compromises an ability to engage and fight objectively, constructively, and, certainly, with compassion those supposedly difficult people in our present family-social-vocational arenas. This increasingly wearing and wary shadowy phantom subtly yet chronically drains us of vital energy for work, play, and love.

Closing Summary

This essay has provided a comprehensive definition of “burn-in” while also outlining the dynamics and consequences of “Prematurely Buried Grief” (PBG). In addition, key sources fueling burn-in were enumerated and, finally, “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics” were introduced. Next time, “Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Grief Transition Passage.” Until then…Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.