“Cutting-Edge” Strategies for Reorganizing or Downsizing from Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World

Inspired by my friend-colleague-mentor, George Anderson, head of Anderson and Anderson, an Intl. Executive Coaching and Anger Management Firm HQd in LA, (see his entire note below), I am posting a satirical, slightly wicked essay, “Cutting-Edge” Strategies for Reorganizing or Downsizing."  It is based on Stress Resilience and OD work with many federal agencies and some companies, but especially the US Postal Service.  It is one of the selections in my new e-book on Amazon, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World:  Writings, Raps & Rhymes -- a truly quirky, funny and insightful word artist and "Psychohumorist" ™ collection.

As George noted:  I discovered an absolute goldmine of excellent information on anger, stress and the uniqueness of the U.S. Postal Service.

Click here: Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World: Writings, Raps & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency, Burnout Recovery, and D

or

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GIPXVH4/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World
Writings, Raps, & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency,
Burnout Recovery, and Digital Sanity

A Mix of Meaning and Magic...and Battlefield Experience!

Synopsis:  An insightful and inspiring guide for self-discovery and heart-to-heart connection, Preserving Human Touch... is the painful, playful, and soulful outpouring of a one-of-a-kind – stage and page – "word artist."  Whether poetry or prose, purposeful or poignant, the language is colorful yet clear – a tapestry of meaningful substance and magical style.  This ingenious synthesis is best captured by the “Stress Doc’s” ™ quest to be the Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages).

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George's Recent Email

Today, I discovered an absolute goldmine of excellent information on anger, stress and the uniqueness of the U.S. Postal Service.

I urge you to begin placing every one of the documents on Pulse.  I had no idea of your greatness.  This is what I am referring to: stressdoc.com/news19821.htm.

You are totally awesome.

Director I George Anderson I BCD,LCSW
executive coaching I anger management

2300 Westridge Rd.
Los Angeles, CA 90049andersonservices.com
andersonandandersonapc@gmail.com

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“Cutting-Edge” Strategies for Reorganizing or Downsizing

This provocative piece was inspired by my work in the ‘90s with the US Postal Service. At the hands of “Carvin Marvin Runyan,” the USPS began reorganizing-shrinking to the tune of 50,000 employees.  At first, I co-led workshops at Postal Headquarters to help employees deal with their emotions about the major restructuring.  Then as a consultant I ran “focus groups” in the Mid-Atlantic Region trying to determine why there seemed to be so much systemic stress; why individuals and facilities were “Going Postal!”  Other federal bureaucracies also provided fodder for thought.  (Of course, the private sector is not immune to being “cutting edge.”) This “Top Ten” definitely stirred up folks.  Until they “got it,” many readers thought I was a “real jerk.”  I’ll let you decide!

“Cutting-Edge” Strategies for Reorganizing or Downsizing:

The Stress Doc’s Top Ten Tips for Tip-Top Management

Warning:  This satire may be hazardous to the ironically impaired.

We inhabit an era of organizational restructuring or downsizing, or better still, rightsizing, or most on target, what I call “frightsizing.”  The challenge for top management is having the savvy and guts to gut much of your workforce while still maintaining survivor productivity and team morale – that “esprit de corpse.”  While some advocate a market- or politics-driven streamlining, I believe in a higher-level, visionary downsizing mode.  To create a “lean-and-MEAN” working machine requires an Olympian management team.  Such mythological “Mad Men & Women” are capable of thunderously jolting a downtrodden, de-motivated workforce while being down-to-earth, “hands-on” role models.  (Oh yes, in these hypersensitive, politically correct times, just be careful where you place those hands.  If you have any questions, please refer to Mitsubishi’s manual of personnel policies and procedures.)

     Be Wary:  Some critics will claim that these forthcoming strategies produce less “lean-and-mean” operations and more “lean-and-mean-spirited” organizations.  Ignore such softheaded, liberal posturing.  Now for your cutting-edge commandments.  Go for it!

Top Ten Commandments

1.  Keep Employees Grateful and Humble.  Continuously remind employee survivors that they should be thankful to have a job.  By not filling those vacant positions, there’s less competition for eventual promotions, assuming, of course, there’s not another RIF – Reduction In Force – that, of course, is very unlikely.  (Even if there is a RIF, and some employees manage to survive it, then surely they will have to be uncomplainingly thankful.)  For recalcitrant, insufficiently grateful employees, some cheerfully designed signs – “thank you for not whining” and “beware the effects of second-hand whining” – may be prominently displayed in the work and break areas.

2.  Avoid Negative Feelings through Positive Motivation.  Hire a hotshot outplacement team to motivate people to ignore their feelings of betrayal, fear, and rage.  Such a “glass is always half full” approach will generate employee enthusiasm and positive thinking about updating their resumes, leaving the organization, or applying for positions in economically- and demographically-challenged areas.  Reassure confused and vulnerable employees that a change of job or an out-of-state position is the new learning curve they’ve probably needed.  At minimum, this will help them escape that seven-year or seven-month itch (whether they know they need to scratch or not).  Hey, it’s so prehistoric, so “p.b.” – pre-boomer – to work for twenty or thirty years in one place.

3.  Separate the Transitionally Displaced.  Create a transition center for the dispirited who no longer have a job (but are still on payroll) that removes them from the rest of the company.  (And don’t let anyone mistake this center for a leper colony; the displaced are ill-fated, not contagious.)  Without distractions, these isolates will focus expeditiously on their future career plans.  An additional benefit to quarantining:  with these folks out of sight, they’ll also be out of mind, i.e., other employees would never suspect that such a treatment might happen to them.

4.  Beware the “Blame Game.”  Refuse to hold management-employee team building/group grieving sessions; open expression of feelings just makes management the target of another “bitch session.”  (Please do not impute any sexist connotation to either open blabbing or the aforementioned “b”-word.  These days, being a strong, silent John Wayne- or Rambo-type is not just a male thing.  There are plenty of Rambettes out there.)

5.  Don’t Get Predictable.  Keep information about the restructuring as vague and inconsistent as possible.  In fact, the more disinformation the better.  A certain amount of uncertainty heightens group competition and, hopefully, will disorient your best people and/or discourage them from leaving (until you think it’s appropriate, especially if they may be a threat to your own tenured position).

6.  Demonstrate Decisive Displacement.  Have new managers rapidly fill some of the positions of displaced managers, especially those managers who were well respected; people don’t need to dwell morbidly on the past.  On a more positive note, this transition-transfusion also provides a real opportunity for new blood.  (Of course, one hopes we are speaking figuratively here.  You might want to have escorts, though, for these new managers as they leave work.)

7.   Instill the Spirit of Overload and Accommodation.  Make sure middle managers and supervisors appear to accept cheerfully “doing more with less,” even if their employees feel that they are at the breaking point.  Low morale, heightened staff tension, and anger or especially that self-serving term “burnout,” are not sufficient counter-indicators to “sucking it up”; nor is psychobabble about psychosomatic, stress-induced illness acceptable.  (Cardiac arrest, however, continues to be grounds for excused leave.)  And don’t let any of those wimpy stress experts tell you “Burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away.”  Remember, a manager or supervisor who selflessly takes on an ever-expanding workload without renegotiating priorities and time frames is an icon of company loyalty and dedication.  Such a role model will surely inspire even surly subordinates to meet the plantation’s, I mean the organization’s, new goals.

8.  Consider Token Team Building.  If in a careless moment you do allow employees or supervisors to form support/work productivity teams that meet on company time, shortly thereafter insist that the company can’t afford to have this many people away from their assignments or work stations.  Reduce the size by half; especially eliminate any indigenous leaders.  If this small matrix group is to meet sporadically, they must provide only positive ideas; your mood should not be disturbed in order to pacify others’ upsets or egos.  And while giving lip service to dilettante democracy, expect absolute buy-in for your ever-evolving company vision.  (Or is it a hallucination?  So often it’s such a fine line.)  Eventually retire the group with gilt framed team-building certificates.

9.  Create Social Diversions.  Plan a company picnic, a Christmas dinner party, or some diversionary event for your beleaguered “survivor shock” employees.  When not enough people sign up (or refuse to contribute a potluck dish), send an e-mail saying that regretfully, because of lack of employee interest, the party had to be canceled.  You can also organize a committee to discover the reasons why people didn’t sign up.  The results should be forwarded to the above-mentioned token support team for prompt and decisive action.

10.  Retreat Reorganizationally from Reality.  Avoid a sustained relationship with a consultant trained in reorganizational crisis, conflict, loss, and grief work, as this intervention will surely make things worse.  You know because you once attended one of those touchy-feely retreats where they even made people briefly hug one another.  Or you heard about a workshop facilitator who used a “let it all hang out” encounter-group-like method on a law firm retreat with thirty litigators.  Big surprise…The workshop turned into a primal attack/scream session and people didn’t speak to one another for the next six months.  (So the retreat was a wash; there probably had been too much socializing around the company coffee machine anyway.  Or maybe it was just one of those retreats where people took their vows of silence to heart.)

A sure sign that you’re dealing with a true consulting superstar:  this leader will totally work out all those minor post-restructuring adjustment problems in a weekend retreat.  In addition, on the same reorganizational retreat, such a stellar management coach, if you act right away, should offer to place a big positive motivational bandage on all pre-crisis dysfunctional work relationships, at no extra cost.  If you do dismiss the retreat approach, there still is a safe, effective image-enhancing option:  send a couple of key personnel on a three-day “team building” workshop.  Then you can answer “affirmative” if anyone asks whether yours is a team-based operation.

In conclusion, if you or your executive management team has the courage and foresight to enact one or more of these cutting-edge strategies, please let me know.  As a reorganizational consultant, I certainly aspire to work with such a visionary, progressively “lean-and-MEAN” upper management team.  I understand loneliness at the top.  And believe me, you’ll need all the help you can get!

(c)  Mark Gorkin  1997
Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

“Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools & Techniques for Surviving Trauma, Transition, and Everyday Stress

I have been a co-founding partner of the Be Well Initiative for the Nepali Diaspora in America.  The tragic April 25, 2015 earthquake ignited a vision for a friend and colleague, Dr. DK Gurung.  (DK called me a day after, both for some venting and to share his communal dream.)  Born in Nepal, he understood that mental health services were needed in the face of such a natural disaster, but not just for people living in Nepal.  The stress was also great for family and friends 10,000 miles from ground zero.  But beyond the immediate disaster, cultural norms, honor and shame, and indirect or secretive communication patterns made it difficult for Nepalis to fully acknowledge let alone discuss emotional issues of stress, anxiety and depression.  The US Nepali community had to come out of the trauma, immigrant transition, and pressure of “Pursuing the American Dream” as well as everyday stress, closets.

This past year, Be Well Initiative has put into motion “Stress Survey” data collection, mind-body wellness and mental health educational reach out, along with running focus groups at various community events, centers, and programs.  We will close out the year with a memorial EQ15 service on April 24^th in Herndon, VA.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you’d like more information.)  As part of the interactive/community participation service, attendees will engage in small group discussion about past and present stressors and coping strategies.  Participants will also provide ideas for developing future mental health resources and services.  It should be a very moving, meaningful, and uniquely affirming experience.

“Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools & Techniques

for Surviving Trauma, Transition, and Everyday Stress

This past year we have witnessed how imbalances and stressors in nature may suddenly erupt producing devastating consequences.  While not as cataclysmic, work-family-life imbalances and pressures may manifest in confusing, overwhelming and destructive, even life-threatening, emotions and behaviors.  As one Nepali community leader articulated:  “We too will erupt if our life gets out of balance, if we deplete ourselves, run ourselves to the ground, stretch ourselves thin, and live for all the wrong reasons.  We will either collapse into ourselves or explode onto others.”

We need a powerful stress tool kit to manage such stressors as: a) being emotionally connected to two homelands, b) separated from significant others as well as from geographical and cultural markers, c) everyday pressures pursuing the American Dream, including adapting to new cultural values, d) the challenges of finding meaningful employment, and especially, e) being an individual new to the US, feeling like “a stranger in a strange land.”

Perhaps most critical, as a community we need to affirm that reaching out for mental and emotional health services (the mind-heart) is as natural and normal as seeking help for physical illness (the body).  We must help our under-served community come out of the shadows of shame, stigma, and silence and discover a new horizon of hope!

Here is Be Well Initiative and the Stress Doc’s ™ “Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools and Techniques for Surviving Crises and Everyday Stress:

1.  Find a “Stress Buddy.”  When it comes to stress, we initially may need to share our feelings outside of our immediate family, perhaps with a trusted friend or community leader.  Having another help put the situation in a more reasonable or calm perspective, may reduce feelings of guilt and self-blame and make it easier to later discuss the situation with family members.  If still relatively new in the US, it’s vital to have a “Stress Buddy” who understands the “trials and pressures” of immigrant stress.

2.  Speak to a Professional.  If you are feeling intense levels of stress, anger, and/or depression, with disrupted patterns of eating and sleeping, misusing alcohol and drugs or simply wanting to withdraw from life, it is time to speak with a person trained in providing mental health counseling.  There are Crisis Hot Lines for you to call.  If you are not sure where to go, contact one of the counseling/clinical members of the Be Well Initiative Team:

Bharati Devkota,  Nepali Speaking, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) – telephone # 443-742-2575

Anshu Basnyat, Nepali Speaking, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) – telephone #  443-574-3430; call for an appointment

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc, Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) – telephone # 301-875-2567

3.  Join a Support Group.  Share your pain, purpose, and passion with a group of like-minded community members and a qualified facilitator; talking with one another, we lean on, learn from, and then provide an ear or a shoulder to our brothers and sisters.  Consider starting a Nepali/community support group.  BWI will be glad to assist.  Also, there are a variety of free, 12-Step Groups – from dealing with problem drinking (or being a family member of a problem drinker) to handling difficult emotions – located in schools, churches, community centers, etc., throughout the Greater DC-VA-MD area.

4.  Understand Change, Loss, and the Need to Grieve.  Whether it’s a devastating earthquake trauma or just a more quiet realization of missing loved ones, alive or deceased, no longer close by, or longing for our former life…we need to take time to remember.  The challenge of change is omnipresent for people adapting to a new land and way of life, or just going through transition.  Grief stages – shock, sadness, anger, fear, confusion, disbelief – are not just products of death and dying; grief can be stirred by the loss of a job, the loss of health and mobility, or the loss of a dream.  Grieving may help you make peace with both your past and present…and open paths for a more productive future.  Of course, there is not one way to grieve; each person has his or her own grief rhythm and time frame.  However, if after 2-4 weeks you are not back into your routine, find a trustworthy and understanding stress buddy or, even better, consider consulting with a professional counselor.

5.  Make Sleeping/Rejuvenating and Healthy Eating a Top Priority.  When it comes to sleep, we often provide solid guidance with our kids, but don’t follow our own advice.  Try to apply those sleep routine principles that you’ve designed for your children:  turn off the gadgets, take a shower or listen to soothing sounds of nature, or do quiet reading in bed.  And, limit alcohol and caffeine several hours before bedtime.  Meditation or taking a ten-fifteen minute “power nap” can be an effective way to rejuvenate during the day.

As for food and fuel intake, beware of picking up some of the sloppy eating habits of too many Americans.  Reduce your intake of salts, sugars, and saturated fats – those cans of soda and bags of chips.  Eat more fruits, especially the berries, and green and leafy vegetables; whole grains, beans and legumes and, if not going vegan, Omega-3 fish – salmon and sardines, are heart-healthy choices.  Listen to your grandmother!

6.  Get Regular Exercise.  Do you get thirty minutes of brisk exercise three-five times a week?  Regular exercise provides both physical and psychological advantages.  Thirty minutes (or even two fifteen minute segments) of vigorous, non-stop, large muscle movement activity – brisk walking, swimming, bike riding, dancing, etc. – releases brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine which are the mind-body's natural mood enhancers and pain relievers.  It's less a runner's high and more that we can step back and see things with a calmer disposition and fresher perspective. 

When stressed, everything feel’s up in the air.  The answer: to feel grounded.  There is nothing like a brisk thirty minute walk for creating a beginning and end point for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control.  Actually, you’re developing a “success ritual.”  And while I don’t always love to exercise, after my ten-minute “while still in bed” morning routine of stretching, sit-ups, push-ups, yoga positions, etc. and my early evening walk…well, I do like feeling virtuous.  And if you’re having difficulty getting started…find a walking partner.

7.  Learn to Say Set Limits.  During my workshops, more people have said to me, “Mark until I learned how to say ‘No’…I was living on the edge of stress!”  Remember, being a mature adult means that sometimes you will have to disappoint people.  For friends and family, for example, let them clearly know what you cannot do (at this moment in time) but also perhaps what you can do.  Give people the option to call you back in two days when your schedule might not be so busy. Naturally, expect that your initial “No” might prove upsetting.  But don’t overly explain your position; excess talking undermines your own sense of control and authority.  People see you as wishy-washy.  Briefly remind people of your stated position.

On the other hand, when relating with an impatient or “the sky is falling down” authority figure, e.g., the big boss at work, the key is not to let this person’s false or exaggerated sense of urgency become the only reality.  Remember, for something to be urgent or an emergency, it’s “life and death.”  Everything else can be prioritized.  So to regain some control, say to that boss, “I know this is a very important matter.  Because it is important, let’s take five minutes; help me prioritize – what should I put on the backburner while I focus on this new vital priority.”  Don’t let someone else’s false urgency become your anxiety!

8.  Identify and Defuse Stress Triggers.  We all have emotional areas in which we are especially sensitive or reactive – for example, someone questioning our honesty or intelligence, talking badly about a friend or family member, or trying to tell us how we must do something his or her way, etc.  We tend to overreact emotionally and verbally when someone hits our “hot button.”  To improve your capacity for self-regulation, before reacting:  a) take some deep breaths, b) pay attention to those “3 B” – Brain-Body-Behavior – stress smoke signals; as I like to say:  Count to ten...and check within, c) can I observe the other without making a snap judgement and if they are judging me not “shake, rattle and BLOW?,” d) learn to use assertive “I” messages instead of blaming “You” messages, for example, “I don’t agree” or “I am not comfortable with…” as opposed to “You’re wrong!” or “It’s your fault!”

Actually two of my favorite stress defusers also help set limits:

A firm “no” a day keeps the ulcers away and the hostilities, too.

Do know your limits and don’t limit your “No”s.

9.  Get Organized.  Chronic clutter in a room or office (or even a car) creates a messy mind.  Recognize that anger, fear, boredom, or depression often contributes to ongoing procrastination.  Develop an ABCD system:  “A” or “top priority” items deal with promptly; “B” or important items file in a “to do” file that’s visible or easily reachable; “C” items discard whenever possible; and have a “D” box or file for future reading or reference.  (Discard most items after a short period of time if not read.)   Again, if this ABCD system is not working, reach out to a concerned friend or a counselor.  Consider this variation of the “Serenity Prayer”:  Grant me the serenity to discard the things I really do not need, to save and file the things I do, and the wisdom to know the difference (or to brazenly eviscerate 90% of my in-box)!

10.  Discover a Hobby or Engage in an Art Project…Or Just Laugh.  A life that completely revolves around responsibilities to family and work, with no time for mind-body-spirit nourishment and rejuvenation, is a life at-risk.  Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more that we gave ourselves away!  Hobbies or art projects, engaging in sports or physical activity that especially integrate the mental-emotional-physical, e.g., digging in a garden, walking in parks or forests, going for bike rides, trying your hand at water coloring, writing poetry, playing tennis, regular meditation, taking dance lessons (research shows this is a an especially good activity for preventing dementia as it is both spontaneous and structured)…all enable us to step back, shift gears, have fun, and rediscover the sublime in nature and our true essence.  And if not quite ready for a hobby, at least read books or watch TV, videos, or movies that make you laugh.  Laughing with gusto is like “inner jogging,” giving vital organs a brief but hearty internal massage!

In closing, if you begin to apply these “Top Ten” tips and techniques you will become commander of your own stress ship, being able to navigate stormy seas and eventually reach your own island or homeland of mind-body-spirit resiliency and serenity.  Just remember…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V

Agenda:

1. Grief Ghosts Lyric Revised. As I continue to play with the verse, a variety of perverse images abound: a) soul-sucking phantoms evoked associations to the “Deatheaters” in Harry Potter, and I liked the soul-sucking alliteration, b) spiral, madly morph, conspire nicely set the stage for the transformation to come, c) Grief Ghosts to Trojan worms (I can’t help but having this totally incongruous image of little worms wearing those USC gladiator helmets); worms, of course, have multiple meanings; e.g., they play an invaluable role for our ecology, churning and oxygenating (aerating) the soil; however a Trojan worm can also be a malevolent piece of software, disguised as a wonderful offering, that can devastate our computers and connectivity.

2. A new essay in the continuing saga: “Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V.” These questions are also relevant for anyone in the throes of burn-in or burnout. The questions relate to your sense of:
1) Ideal vs. Real Self
2) Security vs. Danger
3) Time Sense
4) Aliveness vs. Stagnation
5) Animation vs. Alienation
6) Freedom vs. Responsibility
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Grief Ghosts: A Viral Metamorphosis

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding the fire that razes desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.

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“The Burn-in Virus – Part IV” provided a comprehensive definition of “Burn-in” while also outlining the dynamics and consequences of “Prematurely Buried Grief” (PBG). In addition, key sources fueling burn-in were enumerated and, finally, “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics” were introduced. The previous segment, “The Erosive Grief-Ghost Spiral – Part III,” examined the potential interconnection between burnout and burn-in, while also further fleshing out the concept of “Burnout.”


Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V

It is time to examine “Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Grief Trauma or Transition Passage.” These questions are also relevant for anyone in the throes of burn-in or burnout. The questions relate to your sense of:
1) Ideal vs. Real Self
2) Security vs. Danger
3) Time Sense
4) Aliveness vs. Stagnation
5) Animation vs. Alienation
6) Freedom vs. Responsibility

As will be obvious shortly, both elements of the polarity have positive and negative potential. An optimal dynamic balance is the goal.

Working with Gail Sheehy’s “Mid-Life” Passage Questions from her late-20th c. bestseller, Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, I have explicitly differentiated her four polarities (#s1-4) and added two. These emo-existential questions reverberate in three domains: 1) our everyday person-situation “eco”-consciousness (human ecology is the relationships between individuals and social groups and their physical and social-cultural environments, Free Dictionary.com) and 2) our past memories, associated emotions, and conscious and unconscious voices in our head or “echo”-consciousness, and 3) our “ego” consciousness or the degree of perceived “self-in-our-world” competence and confidence, control and connection, conflict and creativity that bridges and synergizes the perception of present-past-future. Ego consciousness is also a conduit between eco- and echo-consciousness.

These six issues take on particular relevance during times of: a) acute crisis or chronic exhaustion due to major loss, trauma, or transition, b) grappling with burnout or burn-in, and c) in the throes of work-role-identity performance and relationship intimacy/authority challenges.

Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Burn-in-Burnout, Crisis-Trauma Grief-Transition Passage

1. Ideal vs. Real Self. What is the gap between your ideal self and your real one?
a) Too Small a Gap. Little or no gap and you are likely resting on an inflated ego or are passing up vital learning opportunities; is the timing really right to go into cruise control or retirement mode?; or has life worn you down so that dreams and hopes are mostly a thing of the past?; perhaps your niche of success now has you stuck in the ditch of excess; maybe your self-image is at a critical crossroad;

b) Too Wide a Gap. Conversely, too broad a chasm and you may feel defeated or at least have diminished confidence and self-esteem issues; critical voices from the past may be a constant reminder of the shortfall in your career, earning power, mate, parental status, (or lack thereof), etc.; a huge gap may induce a feeling of helplessness or powerlessness, especially if trying and not succeeding equates to being a “loser”; perhaps you have a rich fantasy life, but it’s mostly lived out in your head; sometimes audacious goals (or egoals, i.e., when you are driven more by personal pride and ego needs than by reality-based, optimal risk-stretch, and meaningful goals) are a cover for self-doubt, inadequacy, or even a “fear of failure,” that is, sometimes striving unrealistically high is game-playing manipulation to save face in the event of failure; remember, expectations and effort are key, e.g., consider these two admonishing and questioning quotes: a) pursuing the unobtainable makes impossible the realizable, and b) the second by an officer talking to his soldiers: We are not what we believe…Is it because what we believe is not possible or because we refuse to become what we believe?;

c) Optimal Gap. However, an optimal gap between an “ideal-genuine” self: a) facilitates framing so-called “failure” as the transitional or exploratory space between your aspiration and current position and b) heightens drive, curiosity, and motivation, stimulating you to purposefully meander, discover or design, and evolve a real world sense of competence and a capacity for growth.

2. Security vs. Danger. In your life, what is the balance between security and danger?
a) Too Much Security. Being over-driven by security needs may reflect comfort with or defending the status quo, and/or being risk-averse; you don’t want to try and “fail” and risk being seen as a “loser”; in addition, such a stance may impede the capacity or desire to understand (or care about) other people’s needs, resources, and skills;

b) Too Much Danger. Then again, a life constantly filled with danger may be a sign of being an adrenaline or thrill seeking junkie; some research indicates that one motive of thrill-seeking may be to escape personal depression; or perhaps forever hyper-vigilant means feeling anxious, exhausted, and out of control;

c) Optimal Balance. However, there’s another perspective: of all his accomplishments, basketball legend Michael Jordan was perhaps most proud that at the end of the game with victory or defeat on the line, he was willing to take (and take the consequences of making or missing) that last critical shot; MJ knew he had done the necessary “10,000 hours” of mastery practice and preparation and trusted in “his best shot”; flexibly focused tension or “relaxed attention” encourages meandering (both mentally and physically) as well as productive risk-taking; at the same time, Jordan was willing to cajole and challenge teammates to make sure their “eyes were on the championship prize”; while an icon and a controlling (Jordan Rules) iconoclast, his “Airness” still fulfilled commitments and built a team foundation.

Consider the words of another icon that recognized the interaction of security and danger in the human drama. Dr. Jonas Salk, a pioneering founder of the polio vaccine, posited a human scale notion of personal evolution: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down, being courageous one more time than you are fearful…and trusting just one more time than being anxious.

3. Time Sense. Do you believe you have plenty of time or does it feel like it’s running out?
a) Too Much Time. Always feeling there’s a surfeit of time may leave one unfocused if not demotivated, with procrastination often an issue; of course, sometimes an increase in time sense reflects a recent loss, whether of a role or a relationship; and while there may be a sense of emptiness and confusion without daily structure, the words of the 20th c. Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, still ring true: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain; Camus seems to be intimating that: 1) we have invested so much time and energy in the object of our love and/or responsibility, or 2) there’s a degree of unhealthy dependency in the role or relationship (e.g., being married to the job or an identity solely defined by your being a spouse or a parent), that we may have lost sight of our own interests, identity, integrity, and need to evolve.

b) Too Little Time. A chronic shortage of time may lead to distraction, feeling frenzied or overwhelmed, perhaps accompanied by impulse control issues, careless performance, or simply giving up; according to psychiatrist, Jerome Frank, “hopelessness is an inability to imagine a tolerable future”; yet, there’s often no more powerful motivator than when we feel that time is running out, e.g., the unexpected death of a 30-something, mountain climbing, avocado salad-eating beloved research hospital manager had a profound impact on several colleagues, according to a hospital administrator; these colleagues were now coming to him concerned about the fragility and uncertainty of life – “time’s running out and I need to get on a more meaningful, targeted, or upwardly-mobile career track.”

c) Optimal Time. An efficient (“do the thing right”) and effective (“do the right thing”) time balance means there’s an ebb and flow between high energy and meaningful activity, between being spontaneous and deliberate, between staying on course and knowing when to embrace risk – “to grieve, let go, and go with the flow”; you know when to rest and play, and in yin-yang fashion you are able to blend “human doing” and “human being.”

4. Aliveness vs. Stagnation. What is the balance between aliveness and stagnation in your life?
a) Too Much Aliveness. excess may mean your electricity is always on in hyperactive fashion, perhaps always burning the candles at both ends; or maybe you are in a digital daze, always wired and often hyper-distracted; or forever talking, monopolizing the conversation, overtly or subtly demanding attention and, of course, impaired as a listener;

b) Too Much Stagnation. Too much stagnation and the world seems boring and colorless, or maybe you’re verging on futility and depression; or in an age of rapid technological change you seem to be losing your hair and developing scales, while climate conditions and currents increasingly determine your body temperature (and blood pressure); in response to feeling threatened you exhibit toxic defenses, and, in general, you are losing a capacity for productive adaptation – structurally you are evolving in reverse, morphing from mammal to reptile, if not becoming a dinosaur;

c) Optimal Balance. Aliveness means bringing an alert, vital, joyful self to your activities and relations; however, a capacity for blending both vitality, perhaps even a little or selective mania, along with judicious restraint and detached concern, including a tolerance for uncertainty or feeling stuck as one incubates on a solution or strategy, and even being appropriately melancholy as one both grieves a loss and gradually or suddenly (Aha!) envisions anew, lays the groundwork for greater breadth and depth to cognitive processing and creative problem solving, and ultimately yields some hard-earned wisdom.

5. Animation vs. Alienation. Does your life reflect a dynamic balance between animation and alienation? My use of the term “animation” goes deeper than vibrancy and enthusiasm (see “Aliveness” above). It is dynamic in the sense of the internal, sometimes unconscious forces that comprise one’s deepest, truest self. In fact, anima refers to a person’s inner “spirit” or essence in contrast to an “outer game face,” mask, or “persona.”

a) Too Much Animation. Authenticity is not commonplace; it is usually an admirable if not a frequently admired quality. However, three drawbacks come to mind: 1) when one’s openness, sensitivity, and “tenderness” leaves one damaged, devastated, or enraged by disappointment or criticism – whether valid or not, and 2) when “honesty” is confused with being authentic; that is, when expressing your “genuine feelings” have more to do with some covert hostility and shame; you’re not “being real” or “speaking your truth”; one’s motive has less to do with affirming integrity or repairing or strengthening a relationship, but may actually reflect conscious fear or aggression as well as “grief ghost” displacement, and 3) when one’s exploration of the spiritual realms fairly consistently blinds one to essential needs and requirements of the actual world; perhaps high level yogis and Buddhist monks being the exceptions,

b) Too Much Alienation. This quandary arises when there is insufficient space for or recognition of your spirit, your essence, and your larger self. And, of course, alienation begins at home when we are denying our own essential self or “anima.” (For example, this estrangement can occur whether denying one’s sexual orientation or by distancing oneself from or actively rejecting one’s own masculine or feminine energy and essence. And of course, alienation can also occur from endless and unchangeable struggle involving a poor role-relationship fit with a position, partner, or organization, especially when one’s cherished values or genuine voice is forever being compromised or cut short. For example, I'll never forget how my research psychologist friend, Jim, knew it was time to move into the clinical psychology field. Jim had a dream where he was strapped to a lab table and the rats were operating on him!)

c) Optimal Balance. For me an amalgam of animation and alienation, that dynamic balance of the pursuit of one’s inner spirit and engagement with outer reality, is reflected in a quote from the popular ‘60s fictional work, The Phantom Tollbooth: Fantasy and imagination suggest how the world might be. Knowledge and experience limit the possibilities. Melding the two yields understanding.

This perspective balances both being intuitively and holistically immersed (right hemisphere) and objectively and analytically detached (left hemisphere; achieving bihemispheric “peace of minds”); as a consultant I call this paradoxical “detached involvement” space being an “intimate outsider”; it’s a a role that facilitates impartiality, independence, and the building of trusting relationships. This mix also generates focus and flexibility as one is not so attached to the prevailing traditions or trends. Such a capacity for being both goal-focused and flexible regarding long-term objectives and short-term opportunities, as well as an ability to accommodate critical feedback and mid-course correction is the essence of creative and effective problem-solving. Two seemingly contradictory quotations capture the importance of fantasy, focus, and flexibility. The first is from a law firm executive; the second is a Stress Doc maxim:

a) “Strive high and embrace failure.” For a head of a law firm, no matter the project, his goal was a 100% success rate, yet he understood this was frequently elusive. In a way he was alienated from his own animated pursuit of the ideal; could poke paradoxical fun at the inherent gap. His mantra exalted concerted effort and bold persistence along with learning from mistakes over the illusion of perfection; hard-earned wisdom was prized over “one right way” shortcuts and seductive yet short-lived control.

b) “I don’t know where I’m going…I just think I know how to get there.” This aphorism suggests that for achieving an important and heartfelt goal or reaching a key destination that affirms one’s integrity, there may be value in some sense of confusion about or alienation from the tried and (allegedly) true; there’s method to the “madness” of meandering purposefully and playfully. That is, new insight, opportunity, or discovery may require “letting go” of the familiar or getting off the beaten path and taking time for trial and error exploration. (See above, “Strive high and embrace failure.”) Of course, this mindset requires a tolerance for some uncertainty or feeling lost. Also necessary is a sufficient degree of patience, as well as (men…pay attention here) knowing when to ask for directions.

6. Freedom vs. Responsibility. This emo-existential polarity is another addition to Sheehy’s critical transitional questions during crisis points or passages.
a) Too Much Freedom. For some there is too much freedom; a lack of structure or routine evokes a sense of disorientation or ennui. While initially proclaiming “they’ve been let out of jail,” without sufficient external structure many start feeling aimless or without purpose, (an obvious example – the crisis of retirement for some Type As);

b) Too Much Responsibility. Conversely, too much responsibility and routine can be suffocating, especially for individuals possessing free-spirited, entrepreneurial, or creative natures; or for more introverted/introspective individuals or “craftsmen” types, insufficient time to process emotions and/or obsess about ideas and tinker with work quality or innovation evokes a sense of being stifled or of not having lived up to one’s standards; or too much restraint or monotony deadens the spirit and begins to bring on a burnout state;

c) Optimal Balance. An optimal blend means balancing “The Stress Doc’s Triple ‘A’ of Responsibility and Resiliency – Authority, Autonomy, & Accountability"; whatever the personal, family, or organizational role, the mature and evolving individual within an adaptive-productive relationship and system has an opportunity to affirm and exercise his unique perspective and passions, skills and talents ("Authority & Autonomy"); and at the same time this individual is motivated to be “respectful, real, responsible, and responsive” to others and to fulfilling reasonable role expectations in his or her world ("Accountability"). (Email stressdoc@aol.com for the essay “The Four ‘R’s of PRO Relating”.)

Stay tuned for more on the saga of Grief Ghosts. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Bridging the International Geo-Cultural Divide or Presenter Beware and Buyer Be Aware

For the first time I was accused of being “Amero-centric.” This caught me off guard as I tend to see life as double-edged; the glass is frequently both half full and half empty. I’m trained to see the strengths and potentialities, vulnerabilities and faults of individuals, groups, and systems. I’m a big fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s pithy and prescient aphorism: The test of a first rate intellect is the capacity to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. However, a novel situation set the stage for the critique, and understanding was delayed until my conscious and unconscious brain could achieve “bihemispheric peace of minds.”

I was asked to do a videoconference from the Mid-Atlantic headquarters of a US law firm with the attorneys and legal support staff of two of its overseas offices in London and Brussels. The corporate boardroom had a fifty inch flat screen TV; parties on both sides of the camera not only could see each other (the two European locations were viewed simultaneously via split screen) but HQ and the offices could also talk and respond to each other. There was a minor limitation – only one office at a time could speak. So I both initiated sharing information and asking questions while also asking London and Brussels separately for a response. This was the first attempt at an international “lunch and learn,” a one hour training on “Positive Assertiveness.” Of course, my presentation commenced at 8am ET.

I’m not sure of the specific evidence of insensitivity to “European sensibility,” but perhaps the tipping point was having the participants pair off for a power struggle exercise: Person A says, “You can’t make me” while B counters with, “Oh yes I can.” Both parties are imagining “someone in your life – past or present – who can be (or has been) a pain in your butt.” (Of course, my one caveat…“Hopefully, it’s not the person you are looking at.” ;-) And eventually each is encouraged to verbalize what “you would really like to say to this annoying or aggravating individual.” Maybe this was a bit out there and "out-rage-ous for those more close to the vest. And certainly I was throwing caution to the wind: this was my maiden voyage trying to facilitate an emotionally charged interactive exercise with the participants several thousand miles away.

However, there was a fair amount of good energy and laughter, along with animated (if not somewhat emotionally dynamic) interaction in the room. Still, my sense is that some folks believed the exercise and perhaps the topic of “Assertiveness” itself, reflects the “Wild West,” pushy or bossy qualities of those “Ugly Americans.” Is it that the Europeans are more civilized, that is, sufficiently well-mannered and conscious of interpersonal office etiquette, and therefore not in need of such training? Or is something else going on? Not surprisingly, perhaps, the American Legal Administrator seemed pleased by the presentation, affirming that the participants received a lot of valuable information.

Dreaming and Scheming Your Way to the Pass in the International Impasse

Clearly feeling unsettled, I had two nights of vivid and somewhat violent dreams. I was a CIA agent, being hunted by foreign terrorists. Shots had been fired. What was going on? It wasn’t till the second night that I made the connection with the workshop feedback. And once having made the association, another image appeared on the old psychic radar. Perhaps some of the disgruntled comments had less to do with the program and the presenter per se, and more to do with the presenter as an agent for the American power base.

These offices had been bought out by the American law firm within the past two years. The London office, the bigger of the two, actually had been under the aegis of a Swedish company, known for its laissez-faire ownership. Maybe there was still some unfinished transitional grief and what I call unresolved “Triple A” issues – Authority, Autonomy & Accountability – regarding the geo-cultural takeover. Years back, doing some merger-mergee stress consultation, I recall one manager referring to the workplace atmosphere of the merged entity as "a losing team locker room.”

I also recall the support staff at the Brussels office mentioning that they could risk being open about some conflict topic because no lawyers were in the room. (Of course, no lawyers in the room may well be a not so subtle passive-aggressive as opposed to assertive message to corporate headquarters.) Perhaps there are different levels of authority/culture issues – not just Amero-centric and Corporate Raider ones – that the “mother ship” needs to address. For starters, how about getting feedback from different personnel levels in the overseas firms concerning the perception of the pros and cons of the corporate integration process? If the Europeans believe that the American leadership is genuinely open to and interested in feedback from their overseas staff, that is, if HQ can accept some critical assessment without getting defensive or vindictive, then building trust and a dialogue bridge becomes a distinct possibility.

More specifically, how about allowing folks to critically analyze and assess the two different geo-cultural business systems. Even better, if the American leadership can quickly implement some small yet meaningful suggestions "black or white" assumptions may take on more inviting shades of gray. Letting people discuss what they liked about the Swedish substance and style while allowing a pros and cons comparison with the American business model, is usually the beginning of a “letting go and giving it a chance process.” (Of course, if the Europeans are smart they won’t mention the word “Socialism,” especially while Obama is President. ;-) And if American execs can handle such critique and become positive, open to feedback, relation-building role models perhaps eventually the folks in Brussels may not have to be so wary about status-driven and daunting in-house interaction. (Hmm…I wonder if status issues play out even more in a Euro-culture at least historically known for its aristocracy if not its monarchy.) Apparently, creating dialogue is not such an easy task in any (legal) culture associated with an adversarial, win-lose nature.

I suspect there are universal issues at play: from my years of team building/organizational development experience it's not uncommon for diverse perspectives, needs, and values, along with differences in operational procedures and styles-modes of communication to fly passively and aggressively both between and within HQ and satellite offices, wherever the location. Obviously this is a pretty good definition of or foundation for individual, interpersonal, and organizational conflict!

My personal take home from this experience: the next time doing an international videoconference, I definitely will consult with representatives of my overseas audience to come up with some local and regional “case scenarios.” In addition, with Corporate HR I will discuss more fully the state of the international corporate modus operandi integration. Ideas and strategies to help one and all bridge the geo-cultural divide and to…Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times

[If you do not wish to receive my free mailings, email stressdoc@aol.com]

Hi,

Agenda Items:

1) Anomaly or Recovery...or Chronic Stress?

Well it's been a busy week. I don't know if it's an anomaly or a sign of recovery (though I've seen several hopeful signs come and go; then again hype, if not hope, springs eternal); or maybe the prolonged dicey and "lean and MEAN" job market is just tightening the stress knot, but this week alone I've confirmed the following keynote speaking programs and workshops:
> Neace Lukens Insurance Company -- Kentucky Office -- Stress and Team Building
> Indiana Chamber of Commerce-Employee Wellness
> Wisconsin Children's Hospital -- Practicing Organizational Safe Stress
> Stafford, VA County Govt -- spinoff from last week's Intl Public Management Assn Conference
> Intl Paralegal Managers Assn -- Annual 2011 Conference in Boston

Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.

2) A relevant oldie but goodie:

The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief:
Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times

by Mark Gorkin, LICSW

With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser and better supported-connected through genuine grief.

As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

And then a soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career confusion and uncertainty . So here are "Seven Stages of Grief":

1. Shock and Denial or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!

2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.

I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?

3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.

Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes than a judgment upon you.

4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity and esteem) can become louder and more incessant. Self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle.

Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.

5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend rage and sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-destructive behavior than it does to "Going Postal!"

If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen -- if not untie -- the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) doors again.

6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy and/or money in this position or partner…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other?

Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, you're energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout and/or depression.) So remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When you are feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When you are feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with kindred spirits.

As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

"The Six 'F's of Loss and Change": Strategic Steps for Growing through Grief

And finally, consider these vital psychosocial tasks that will be engaged productively or not in times of profound change:

1. Shaking or breaking up life's puzzle; letting go of a familiar past -- rules and routines, roles and relationships
2. Confronting and channeling the anxiety of an unpredictable future,
3. Grappling with a loss of identity and integrity, with a loss of self-esteem and pride...with a loss of face,
4. Exploring and generating new resources -- environmental, informational and psychological -- for evolving a new focus,
5. Seeking and being open to feedback, both challenging and affirming, such as a variety of TLC -- "tough loving care" and "tender loving criticism" -- throughout the grief and rejuvenation process, and
6. Trusting in higher power faith, from a belief in a transcendental power to the synergy and confidence instilled by participating in a vital support group or counseling/coaching relationship; also the faith in knowing that if you have engaged these prior five "f'"s, that is, have done your headwork, heart work and homework, you are building the cognitive and emotional muscles necessary for effectively grappling with those transitional tempests..

Grappling with these "Six 'F's" can help you grow from grief and...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

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