The Four-Step Rise of Grief Ghosts and Seven Factors Influencing their Nature – Part VI

Grief Ghosts: A Viral Metamorphosis

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding a fire that chokes dreams and desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.

Perhaps there is still time to reach for the sublime:
Grieve, let go...and go with the flow!


As noted in Part IV of my series on “Burnout and Burn-in, Loss and Grief Ghosts,” burn-in involves the silent, chronic drain of harboring unconsciously repressed or consciously resisted lingering and reverberating memories and painfully smoldering emotions connected to: a) recent and past, b) physical, psychological, and spiritual, c) personal and interpersonal, and d) professional and family, socio-cultural and organizational losses, transitions, and traumas. And, perhaps most disorienting, pressure-packed emotions and memories long denied or prematurely buried become the crucible for the birth of “Grief Ghosts.”

Let me simplify this “Four Step Rise of Grief Ghosts”:

1. Lingering Loss. You experience a painful loss – from the personal to the organizational – whether from the distant or recent past. The nature of the loss is denied or, more likely, acknowledged but quickly pushed to the back of your mind, out of everyday emotional consciousness. “It’s time to move on.” Of course, the more powerful the loss the greater is the potential for kindling grief ghosts. (In general, lingering, unrecognized, minimized, or denied loss + the significance of the loss + the absent or limited nature of grief time (the shorter the overt grief time the higher the kindling potential) + the dysfunctional/defensive characteristics of grief avoidance (e.g., substance abuse, keeping a manic- obsessive distracting schedule or pace, subtle or disguised depression, etc.) x time = the formula for ghostly production.)

2. Prematurely Buried Grief. The energy and feelings connected to the loss and the avoided or alienated grief process means painful emotions and memories are smoldering and reverberating inside. The longer and tighter one tries to keep the lid on this psychic crucible the more potent the condition for this combustible mix to become increasingly pressure-packed and incessantly loud, and to swarm furiously. Clear thought and decision-making processes are scrambled; heightened emotions if not numbed can become overwhelming.

3. Precipitating Event. Other life transitions, traumas, and losses experienced along the burn-in path may only compound and intensify this fuming and rumbling process if, once again, the grief process is basically avoided. In fact, one of these triggering hazardous events will finally be the spark that detonates the proverbial final straw, firing up, launching, and animating the underground ghosts.

4. Burn-in and the Rise of Grief Ghosts. Finally, one will implode or explode; constantly smoldering and smoking pain or shame not only is exhausting, it burns away your emotional defenses as well as your mind-body-heart-spirit insides; alas, it may be hard not to make an ash of yourself! Your combustible “burn-in” psychic mix, like the high temperatures and pressure that forms metamorphic rocks, now morphs into “Grief Ghosts.” Or subterranean, conflicting and clashing past and present voices in your head, like colliding tectonic plates, may spark the rise of metamorphic and metaphoric ghosts. Whatever the genesis, you are suddenly dealing with two battlefronts: a) the immediate real world problem in the present and b) and the unleashed spectral presence of formerly dormant, now painful, confusing, and often critical grief ghosts. And your inner reserve and resolve feels depleted if not devastated. This ‘Burn-in” process has you susceptible to depression, exhaustion or burnout, emotional overreaction, agitation, or regressing to old self-defeating “survival” patterns. These burn-in smoke signals may occur especially during times of crisis, trauma, loss, and high stress or when in the throes of challenging performance, identity-related transition, and/or intimate relating.

Seven Factors Influencing the Nature of Grief Ghosts

Are all grief ghosts alike? Of course not. The character of our “Grief Ghosts” depends on the nature of our loss, the variables surrounding this loss, and the subsequent grief reaction (including “Prematurely Buried Grief”) or response. According to Judith Viorst, in Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (The Free Press: New York, 1986, p.238), certain factors increase vulnerability to loss: “Those with a poor prior history of mental or physical health are at greater risk. So are those dealing with death by suicide. So are those spouses whose relationship with the husband or wife who died was especially ambivalent or dependent. Those who experience loss without the support of a social network tend to find trauma more intense. And the younger do worse than the older – studies find that one frequent consequence of childhood loss is a higher risk of adult-life mental illness… (Finally,) adolescents can mourn but are still more vulnerable than adults because they are experiencing so many other (psycho-physiological) losses and changes.”

Viorst also addresses the nature of grieving: “How we mourn, or if, our mourning is going to end, will depend on what we perceive our losses to be, will depend on our age and their age, will depend on how ready all of us were, will depend on the way they succumbed to mortality, will depend on our inner strengths and outer supports, and will surely depend on our prior history – on our history with the people, (positions, partnerships, programs, plans, possibilities, etc. who/that) ‘died’ and our own separate history of love and loss.”

Let’s take a closer look at these loss and grief variables. The propensity for: 1) the unleashing of ghosts, 2) the varying nature of the ghosts, and 3) the danger and opportunity for positive grief ghost resurrection and psychic rejuvenation is contingent upon:

a) Loss Significance, Identification, and Complexity
1) loss significance. The mind-body-heart-spirit significance of any loss (person, place, loss of control and competence, loss of a dream, etc.) clearly impacts the grief ghost process; to reiterate, the degree a person has prematurely buried or denied significant past “loss” issues and emotions and they now arise as grief ghosts, the immediate reaction is often a sense of danger and disorientation. Feelings of worthlessness and isolation, a sense of being hollow, profound identity confusion, and a loss of personal/professional direction may predominate. However, as we will subsequently explore, much as in the double-edged – danger and opportunity – nature of crisis, the rise of grief ghosts also allows one to more knowingly and purposefully tackle these subterranean issues which have been disrupting and constricting a life outside of one’s awareness,

2) identification, internalization, and introjection. Another factor is the degree of “identification with the lost person/object that is, the process of internalization by which we modify our self (consciously) and introjection (unconsciously) to become in some ways like this or that person out there” (Viorst); according to Freud, positive identification facilitates our letting go of the lost person, that is, we now possess internally some of their essence; of course, one may also consciously try to disavow a connection to a person (or place), e.g., the individual who says, “The last person I will be like is my old man” simply tells me how deep the kindred hook is lodged; avoiding the grief process naturally impedes more healthy and current identification; avoidance also builds up and exaggerates critical voices and subterranean introjects or internalizations, along with subconsciously heightening feelings of early abandonment and separation anxiety; all these dynamics influence a person’s overt and covert thoughts and behavior and fuel the creation of grief ghosts,

3) loss complexity. Early childhood internalizations along with the degree of closeness and/or conflict in an intimate relationship and/or with significant role relations affects the depth and personal impact of a loss; ironically, for example, grief research indicates that for couples who had more dysfunctional or codependent relationships than couples in healthier partnerships, instead of relief (which might seem commonsensical) the death of a spouse typically results in more complicated grieving; clearly, there is burdensome amount of emotions and issues that not only remain “unresolved” and ghostly but likely were never honestly and healthfully addressed,

b) Loss Dynamics/Context – the bio-psycho-social-cultural-historical dynamics surrounding the loss altogether impact: 1) the immediate emotional experience, 2) the subsequent grief, 3) the reaction to a triggering event or stressor, as well as 4) the genesis and make-up of ghosts; e.g., one’s reaction may be different when losing a family member to a heart attack when death is sudden and unexpected compared to a second fatal attack; either cardiac scenario is obviously a different “loss context” than having a family member incinerated in the Twin Towers on 9/11 or die in a head-on vehicular collision.

I also want to highlight two compelling factors regarding the nature of loss dynamics-context and subsequent ghostly impact:

1) Gender. Gender differences clearly can have a ghostly impact. In Carol Gilligan’s thought-provoking In a Different Voice she refers to a study indicating that while men represent powerful activity as assertion and aggression, women in contrast portray acts of nurturance as acts of strength. Openly grappling with and sharing sadness, loss, and emotional pain clearly is still not the masculine norm. The result is a grief process more quickly aborted or altogether avoided. Conversely, under stress and in pain, women typically see a capacity for nurturance and interdependence (giving and receiving support and sustenance) as a sign of strength. Even highly successful professional women describe themselves in the context of a relationship, while men perceive their identity in terms of power and separateness. And finally, concerning moral reasoning women emphasize connectedness and care (attachment) and men stress personal integrity (separateness). To expand the old stress survival adage, men, especially the “strong silent types,” typically fight or flight while women (not necessarily adolescent girls of any age) often tend and befriend.

However Gilligan is trying to rebalance the scales; one moral code is not superior to the other. Rather they represent two modes of experience and interpretation which together could enable us to “arrive at a more complex rendition of human experience.” Both the voice of relatedness and the voice of separateness are needed to define adult maturity.

2) Transition. Daniel Levinson, in The Seasons of a Man’s Life, highlights a wide-ranging psychosocial context that often triggers and shapes ghostly manifestations: In periods of transition we are challenging/terminating the premises of our life structure – raising questions, exploring new possibilities. Each termination is an ending, a process of separation and loss. The task of a developmental transition is to terminate a time in one’s life; to accept the losses the termination entails; to review and evaluate the past; to decide which aspects of the past to keep and which to reject; and to consider one’s wishes and possibilities for the future. One is suspended between past and future, and struggling to overcome the gap that separates them. Much from the past must be given up – separated from, cut out from one’s life, rejected in anger, renounced in sadness or grief…

As our past realities start to collapse, we challenge the self-definitions that have sustained us, finding that everything seems up for grabs, questioning who we are and what it is we are trying to be, and whether, in this life of ours, the only life we have, our achievements and goals hold any value. Does our marriage make sense? Is our work worth doing? Have we matured – or have we simply sold out? Do our connections with family and friends rest on a loving exchange or on desperate dependencies? How free and how strong do we wish – do we dare – to be?...There is much that can be used as a basis for the future. Changes must be attempted in both self and the world…

My compressed poetic take on Levinson: One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin. The complement of that masculine, yang-like perspective may well be the more maturational and evolved, yin-like need to merge in order to reemerge (Gilbert Rose, author and student of psychoanalysis and creativity). For example, according to Levinson, the demands of parenthood press us into a polarization of roles. However, the potential of grappling with “mid-life transition” is the development and the direct expression of our shadow gender side (men explore tenderness and sensuality; women explore executive and “political” capacity), that is, some blending of our yin-yang natures.

c) Capacity and Opportunity for and Extent of Grieving – one’s own psychological capacity for grieving along with family-socio-cultural support or discouragement to grieve; in addition, there’s the extent of initial, conscious bereavement before prematurely burying live grief; an axiom of this model is that for a significant loss grief is never “finished or resolved”; such losses and accompanying emotional memories, overt and covert voices and messages, etc., will always need to be recollected and reflected upon, if not require some periodic emotional remembrance or mourning, if ghosts are not to roam your psychic mindscape,

d) Childhood Losses – whether you also experienced early childhood losses or traumas through for example, death of a family member, disaster, separation, remarriage and reconstituted families, and illness – involving person, place, personal control, developmental progress and identity, etc.; research indicates the earlier an individual experiences loss or abandonment the more susceptible to disruptive trauma and the less resilient they are in overcoming post-traumatic reaction or disorder,

e) Psychological and Developmental Parallels – the degree of emotional connection or psychological similarity between past and present losses, e.g., I previously noted the initially unrecognized psychological connection for a Vietnam Vet between the death of his wife in a household fire and his emotional disorientation one week after 9/11; however, this is also a normative process as delineated by Therese Benedek in “Parenthood as a Developmental Phase,” Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, Vol. 7, pp. 389-417: “At each successive stage of a child’s development his (or her) parents are afforded another chance to work through, or reinforce, solutions to (unconscious developmental) conflicts arising at a comparable stage of their own childhood,”

f) Prematurely Buried Timeline – the length of time that the loss or trauma has been suppressed or repressed, that is, insufficiently grieved; in general the longer the dismissal or denial the greater the intensity of “Ghost Grief”-building psychic pressure from internal heat-stress to conflicting-agitating voices,

g) Tightness of Lid and Rigidness/Riskiness of Coping – the tightness of the lid on your psychic grief ghost crucible, and the self-defeating nature of coping strategies used to neutralize or numb the subterranean pain, e.g., substance or sex abuse, co-dependency, mania or depression, a wide range of escapist behaviors, etc.; however, this rigidity only delays the time for reckoning while eroding the mind-body-spirit; as Viorst avers, “until we can mourn that past, until we can mourn and let go of the past, we are doomed to repeat it.” Until we can embrace our grief ghosts, that is, dig behind the mask, open the psychic coffin, and then consciously resurrect and wrestle with our ghosts, we are doomed to be hounded and haunted by them.

Surely words to help one and all at critical moments of transition or trauma...Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V

Agenda:

1. Grief Ghosts Lyric Revised. As I continue to play with the verse, a variety of perverse images abound: a) soul-sucking phantoms evoked associations to the “Deatheaters” in Harry Potter, and I liked the soul-sucking alliteration, b) spiral, madly morph, conspire nicely set the stage for the transformation to come, c) Grief Ghosts to Trojan worms (I can’t help but having this totally incongruous image of little worms wearing those USC gladiator helmets); worms, of course, have multiple meanings; e.g., they play an invaluable role for our ecology, churning and oxygenating (aerating) the soil; however a Trojan worm can also be a malevolent piece of software, disguised as a wonderful offering, that can devastate our computers and connectivity.

2. A new essay in the continuing saga: “Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V.” These questions are also relevant for anyone in the throes of burn-in or burnout. The questions relate to your sense of:
1) Ideal vs. Real Self
2) Security vs. Danger
3) Time Sense
4) Aliveness vs. Stagnation
5) Animation vs. Alienation
6) Freedom vs. Responsibility
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grief Ghosts: A Viral Metamorphosis

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding the fire that razes desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.

----------------------------------------

“The Burn-in Virus – Part IV” provided a comprehensive definition of “Burn-in” while also outlining the dynamics and consequences of “Prematurely Buried Grief” (PBG). In addition, key sources fueling burn-in were enumerated and, finally, “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics” were introduced. The previous segment, “The Erosive Grief-Ghost Spiral – Part III,” examined the potential interconnection between burnout and burn-in, while also further fleshing out the concept of “Burnout.”


Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Trauma, Grief-Transition Passage: Six Emo-Existential Questions – Part V

It is time to examine “Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Grief Trauma or Transition Passage.” These questions are also relevant for anyone in the throes of burn-in or burnout. The questions relate to your sense of:
1) Ideal vs. Real Self
2) Security vs. Danger
3) Time Sense
4) Aliveness vs. Stagnation
5) Animation vs. Alienation
6) Freedom vs. Responsibility

As will be obvious shortly, both elements of the polarity have positive and negative potential. An optimal dynamic balance is the goal.

Working with Gail Sheehy’s “Mid-Life” Passage Questions from her late-20th c. bestseller, Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, I have explicitly differentiated her four polarities (#s1-4) and added two. These emo-existential questions reverberate in three domains: 1) our everyday person-situation “eco”-consciousness (human ecology is the relationships between individuals and social groups and their physical and social-cultural environments, Free Dictionary.com) and 2) our past memories, associated emotions, and conscious and unconscious voices in our head or “echo”-consciousness, and 3) our “ego” consciousness or the degree of perceived “self-in-our-world” competence and confidence, control and connection, conflict and creativity that bridges and synergizes the perception of present-past-future. Ego consciousness is also a conduit between eco- and echo-consciousness.

These six issues take on particular relevance during times of: a) acute crisis or chronic exhaustion due to major loss, trauma, or transition, b) grappling with burnout or burn-in, and c) in the throes of work-role-identity performance and relationship intimacy/authority challenges.

Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Burn-in-Burnout, Crisis-Trauma Grief-Transition Passage

1. Ideal vs. Real Self. What is the gap between your ideal self and your real one?
a) Too Small a Gap. Little or no gap and you are likely resting on an inflated ego or are passing up vital learning opportunities; is the timing really right to go into cruise control or retirement mode?; or has life worn you down so that dreams and hopes are mostly a thing of the past?; perhaps your niche of success now has you stuck in the ditch of excess; maybe your self-image is at a critical crossroad;

b) Too Wide a Gap. Conversely, too broad a chasm and you may feel defeated or at least have diminished confidence and self-esteem issues; critical voices from the past may be a constant reminder of the shortfall in your career, earning power, mate, parental status, (or lack thereof), etc.; a huge gap may induce a feeling of helplessness or powerlessness, especially if trying and not succeeding equates to being a “loser”; perhaps you have a rich fantasy life, but it’s mostly lived out in your head; sometimes audacious goals (or egoals, i.e., when you are driven more by personal pride and ego needs than by reality-based, optimal risk-stretch, and meaningful goals) are a cover for self-doubt, inadequacy, or even a “fear of failure,” that is, sometimes striving unrealistically high is game-playing manipulation to save face in the event of failure; remember, expectations and effort are key, e.g., consider these two admonishing and questioning quotes: a) pursuing the unobtainable makes impossible the realizable, and b) the second by an officer talking to his soldiers: We are not what we believe…Is it because what we believe is not possible or because we refuse to become what we believe?;

c) Optimal Gap. However, an optimal gap between an “ideal-genuine” self: a) facilitates framing so-called “failure” as the transitional or exploratory space between your aspiration and current position and b) heightens drive, curiosity, and motivation, stimulating you to purposefully meander, discover or design, and evolve a real world sense of competence and a capacity for growth.

2. Security vs. Danger. In your life, what is the balance between security and danger?
a) Too Much Security. Being over-driven by security needs may reflect comfort with or defending the status quo, and/or being risk-averse; you don’t want to try and “fail” and risk being seen as a “loser”; in addition, such a stance may impede the capacity or desire to understand (or care about) other people’s needs, resources, and skills;

b) Too Much Danger. Then again, a life constantly filled with danger may be a sign of being an adrenaline or thrill seeking junkie; some research indicates that one motive of thrill-seeking may be to escape personal depression; or perhaps forever hyper-vigilant means feeling anxious, exhausted, and out of control;

c) Optimal Balance. However, there’s another perspective: of all his accomplishments, basketball legend Michael Jordan was perhaps most proud that at the end of the game with victory or defeat on the line, he was willing to take (and take the consequences of making or missing) that last critical shot; MJ knew he had done the necessary “10,000 hours” of mastery practice and preparation and trusted in “his best shot”; flexibly focused tension or “relaxed attention” encourages meandering (both mentally and physically) as well as productive risk-taking; at the same time, Jordan was willing to cajole and challenge teammates to make sure their “eyes were on the championship prize”; while an icon and a controlling (Jordan Rules) iconoclast, his “Airness” still fulfilled commitments and built a team foundation.

Consider the words of another icon that recognized the interaction of security and danger in the human drama. Dr. Jonas Salk, a pioneering founder of the polio vaccine, posited a human scale notion of personal evolution: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down, being courageous one more time than you are fearful…and trusting just one more time than being anxious.

3. Time Sense. Do you believe you have plenty of time or does it feel like it’s running out?
a) Too Much Time. Always feeling there’s a surfeit of time may leave one unfocused if not demotivated, with procrastination often an issue; of course, sometimes an increase in time sense reflects a recent loss, whether of a role or a relationship; and while there may be a sense of emptiness and confusion without daily structure, the words of the 20th c. Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, still ring true: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain; Camus seems to be intimating that: 1) we have invested so much time and energy in the object of our love and/or responsibility, or 2) there’s a degree of unhealthy dependency in the role or relationship (e.g., being married to the job or an identity solely defined by your being a spouse or a parent), that we may have lost sight of our own interests, identity, integrity, and need to evolve.

b) Too Little Time. A chronic shortage of time may lead to distraction, feeling frenzied or overwhelmed, perhaps accompanied by impulse control issues, careless performance, or simply giving up; according to psychiatrist, Jerome Frank, “hopelessness is an inability to imagine a tolerable future”; yet, there’s often no more powerful motivator than when we feel that time is running out, e.g., the unexpected death of a 30-something, mountain climbing, avocado salad-eating beloved research hospital manager had a profound impact on several colleagues, according to a hospital administrator; these colleagues were now coming to him concerned about the fragility and uncertainty of life – “time’s running out and I need to get on a more meaningful, targeted, or upwardly-mobile career track.”

c) Optimal Time. An efficient (“do the thing right”) and effective (“do the right thing”) time balance means there’s an ebb and flow between high energy and meaningful activity, between being spontaneous and deliberate, between staying on course and knowing when to embrace risk – “to grieve, let go, and go with the flow”; you know when to rest and play, and in yin-yang fashion you are able to blend “human doing” and “human being.”

4. Aliveness vs. Stagnation. What is the balance between aliveness and stagnation in your life?
a) Too Much Aliveness. excess may mean your electricity is always on in hyperactive fashion, perhaps always burning the candles at both ends; or maybe you are in a digital daze, always wired and often hyper-distracted; or forever talking, monopolizing the conversation, overtly or subtly demanding attention and, of course, impaired as a listener;

b) Too Much Stagnation. Too much stagnation and the world seems boring and colorless, or maybe you’re verging on futility and depression; or in an age of rapid technological change you seem to be losing your hair and developing scales, while climate conditions and currents increasingly determine your body temperature (and blood pressure); in response to feeling threatened you exhibit toxic defenses, and, in general, you are losing a capacity for productive adaptation – structurally you are evolving in reverse, morphing from mammal to reptile, if not becoming a dinosaur;

c) Optimal Balance. Aliveness means bringing an alert, vital, joyful self to your activities and relations; however, a capacity for blending both vitality, perhaps even a little or selective mania, along with judicious restraint and detached concern, including a tolerance for uncertainty or feeling stuck as one incubates on a solution or strategy, and even being appropriately melancholy as one both grieves a loss and gradually or suddenly (Aha!) envisions anew, lays the groundwork for greater breadth and depth to cognitive processing and creative problem solving, and ultimately yields some hard-earned wisdom.

5. Animation vs. Alienation. Does your life reflect a dynamic balance between animation and alienation? My use of the term “animation” goes deeper than vibrancy and enthusiasm (see “Aliveness” above). It is dynamic in the sense of the internal, sometimes unconscious forces that comprise one’s deepest, truest self. In fact, anima refers to a person’s inner “spirit” or essence in contrast to an “outer game face,” mask, or “persona.”

a) Too Much Animation. Authenticity is not commonplace; it is usually an admirable if not a frequently admired quality. However, three drawbacks come to mind: 1) when one’s openness, sensitivity, and “tenderness” leaves one damaged, devastated, or enraged by disappointment or criticism – whether valid or not, and 2) when “honesty” is confused with being authentic; that is, when expressing your “genuine feelings” have more to do with some covert hostility and shame; you’re not “being real” or “speaking your truth”; one’s motive has less to do with affirming integrity or repairing or strengthening a relationship, but may actually reflect conscious fear or aggression as well as “grief ghost” displacement, and 3) when one’s exploration of the spiritual realms fairly consistently blinds one to essential needs and requirements of the actual world; perhaps high level yogis and Buddhist monks being the exceptions,

b) Too Much Alienation. This quandary arises when there is insufficient space for or recognition of your spirit, your essence, and your larger self. And, of course, alienation begins at home when we are denying our own essential self or “anima.” (For example, this estrangement can occur whether denying one’s sexual orientation or by distancing oneself from or actively rejecting one’s own masculine or feminine energy and essence. And of course, alienation can also occur from endless and unchangeable struggle involving a poor role-relationship fit with a position, partner, or organization, especially when one’s cherished values or genuine voice is forever being compromised or cut short. For example, I'll never forget how my research psychologist friend, Jim, knew it was time to move into the clinical psychology field. Jim had a dream where he was strapped to a lab table and the rats were operating on him!)

c) Optimal Balance. For me an amalgam of animation and alienation, that dynamic balance of the pursuit of one’s inner spirit and engagement with outer reality, is reflected in a quote from the popular ‘60s fictional work, The Phantom Tollbooth: Fantasy and imagination suggest how the world might be. Knowledge and experience limit the possibilities. Melding the two yields understanding.

This perspective balances both being intuitively and holistically immersed (right hemisphere) and objectively and analytically detached (left hemisphere; achieving bihemispheric “peace of minds”); as a consultant I call this paradoxical “detached involvement” space being an “intimate outsider”; it’s a a role that facilitates impartiality, independence, and the building of trusting relationships. This mix also generates focus and flexibility as one is not so attached to the prevailing traditions or trends. Such a capacity for being both goal-focused and flexible regarding long-term objectives and short-term opportunities, as well as an ability to accommodate critical feedback and mid-course correction is the essence of creative and effective problem-solving. Two seemingly contradictory quotations capture the importance of fantasy, focus, and flexibility. The first is from a law firm executive; the second is a Stress Doc maxim:

a) “Strive high and embrace failure.” For a head of a law firm, no matter the project, his goal was a 100% success rate, yet he understood this was frequently elusive. In a way he was alienated from his own animated pursuit of the ideal; could poke paradoxical fun at the inherent gap. His mantra exalted concerted effort and bold persistence along with learning from mistakes over the illusion of perfection; hard-earned wisdom was prized over “one right way” shortcuts and seductive yet short-lived control.

b) “I don’t know where I’m going…I just think I know how to get there.” This aphorism suggests that for achieving an important and heartfelt goal or reaching a key destination that affirms one’s integrity, there may be value in some sense of confusion about or alienation from the tried and (allegedly) true; there’s method to the “madness” of meandering purposefully and playfully. That is, new insight, opportunity, or discovery may require “letting go” of the familiar or getting off the beaten path and taking time for trial and error exploration. (See above, “Strive high and embrace failure.”) Of course, this mindset requires a tolerance for some uncertainty or feeling lost. Also necessary is a sufficient degree of patience, as well as (men…pay attention here) knowing when to ask for directions.

6. Freedom vs. Responsibility. This emo-existential polarity is another addition to Sheehy’s critical transitional questions during crisis points or passages.
a) Too Much Freedom. For some there is too much freedom; a lack of structure or routine evokes a sense of disorientation or ennui. While initially proclaiming “they’ve been let out of jail,” without sufficient external structure many start feeling aimless or without purpose, (an obvious example – the crisis of retirement for some Type As);

b) Too Much Responsibility. Conversely, too much responsibility and routine can be suffocating, especially for individuals possessing free-spirited, entrepreneurial, or creative natures; or for more introverted/introspective individuals or “craftsmen” types, insufficient time to process emotions and/or obsess about ideas and tinker with work quality or innovation evokes a sense of being stifled or of not having lived up to one’s standards; or too much restraint or monotony deadens the spirit and begins to bring on a burnout state;

c) Optimal Balance. An optimal blend means balancing “The Stress Doc’s Triple ‘A’ of Responsibility and Resiliency – Authority, Autonomy, & Accountability"; whatever the personal, family, or organizational role, the mature and evolving individual within an adaptive-productive relationship and system has an opportunity to affirm and exercise his unique perspective and passions, skills and talents ("Authority & Autonomy"); and at the same time this individual is motivated to be “respectful, real, responsible, and responsive” to others and to fulfilling reasonable role expectations in his or her world ("Accountability"). (Email stressdoc@aol.com for the essay “The Four ‘R’s of PRO Relating”.)

Stay tuned for more on the saga of Grief Ghosts. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Burn-in Virus: Lingering Loss, Prematurely Buried Grief, and the Rise of Grief Ghosts -- Part IV

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding the fire that razes desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.


Part III began with a vignette that revealed how denying past loss and trauma confounds and contaminates one’s present functioning. It also illustrated how one may need to experience burnout in order to acknowledge and ultimately grapple with primal burn-in “Grief Ghosts.” Next there was a classic definition of burnout followed by an outline of five major sources of burnout and a poignant and playful upgrade to the “Four Stages of Burnout.” (Email stressdoc@aol.com for Part III.)

Definition of Burn-in

Now it’s time to define more carefully the newly conceived “Burn-in” and to differentiate burn-in (with its typically more internal, "draining" yin energy and essence) from burnout (with its more external, "straining" yang nature). Akin to burnout, burn-in is also a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. However, in contrast to the external demands, excessive responsibilities, and over (or under) whelming grind of burnout, burn-in involves the silent, chronic drain of harboring unconsciously repressed or consciously resisted lingering and reverberating memories and smoldering emotions connected to recent and past, physical and psychological losses, transitions, and traumas. And, perhaps most disorienting, painful emotions and memories long denied or prematurely buried become the crucible for the birth of “Grief Ghosts.”

Let me simplify this “Three Step Rise of Grief Ghosts”:
1. Lingering Loss. You experience a painful physical or psychological loss whether from the distant or recent past. The nature of the loss is denied or, more likely, acknowledged but quickly pushed to the back of your mind, out of everyday emotional consciousness. “It’s time to move on.” Of course, the more powerful the loss the greater is the potential for kindling grief ghosts. (In general, lingering, unrecognized or minimized loss x significance of loss + absent or aborted grief x time is the formula for ghostly production.)

2. Prematurely Buried Grief. The feelings connected to the loss and the aborted or alienated grief process means painful emotions and memories are smoldering and reverberating inside. The longer and tighter one tries to keep the lid on this psychic crucible the more potent the condition for this combustible mix to become increasingly pressure-packed and incessantly loud, and to swarm furiously. Clear thought and decision-making processes are scrambled; heightened emotions if not numbed can become overwhelming. Other life transitions, traumas, and losses experienced along the burn-in path may only compound and intensify this fuming and rumbling process.

3. Burn-in and the Rise of Grief Ghosts. Finally, one will implode or explode; constantly smoldering and smoking pain or shame not only is exhausting, it burns away your emotional defenses as well as your mind-body-heart-spirit insides; alas, it may be hard not to make an ash of yourself! Your combustible “burn-in” psychic mix, like the high temperatures and pressure that forms metamorphic rocks, now morphs into “Grief Ghosts.” Or subterranean, conflicting and clashing past and present voices in your head, like colliding tectonic plates, may spark the rise of metaphoric ghosts. Whatever the genesis, you are suddenly dealing with two battlefronts: a) the immediate real world problem in the present and b) and the unleashed spectral presence of formerly dormant, now painful, confusing, and often critical grief ghosts. And your inner reserve and resolve feels depleted if not devastated. You are susceptible to emotional overreaction or regressing to old self-defeating “survival” patterns especially during times of crisis, trauma, loss, and high stress or when in the throes of challenging performance, identity-related transition, and/or intimate relating.

Another Immobilizing Metaphor

Let me try a more contemporary metaphor. Painful losses and evolving phantasms that have not been honestly, courageously, and meaningfully mourned can go viral. It’s as if an undetected virus has been slowly yet steadily corrupting your inner hard-drive, your mother board and operating system, along with the random access memory, while also releasing a disruptive Trojan-phantom program called “The Rise of Grief Ghosts.” Form becomes deformed, function morphs into dysfunction. Over time, burn-in emotions – from fear, frustration, guilt, anger, and ennui to panic, rage, shame, numbness, despair, along with mania and melancholia – smolder, disrupt, combust and, finally, often erupt. You may be in a battle with the now looming and swirling (as opposed to the silently erosive) grief ghosts for control over your mind-body-spirit and family-work-life balance ship of state. Grief ghosts – overt or covert – if not emotionally engaged and grieved wear down resiliency and increase susceptibility to negative post-traumatic effects. And naturally, this spectral eruption not only leads to disorienting, reactive, and self-defeating or self-destructive behavior but also contaminates communications and interactions with others.

Dynamics and Consequences of Prematurely Buried Grief (PBG)

Whatever the motivation, Prematurely Buried Grief (PBG) is a heavy yet quietly stealthy bio-psycho-social weight that, alas, one often “gets used to” carrying over time and, sadly, its debilitating impact is often unnoticed. PBG’s maladaptive effect frequently eludes the bearer’s as well as observers’ notice until it’s too late. (I have likened it to running a race with an invisible 25 lb. weight attached to your ankle. Almost everything becomes a strain.) This PBG individual is germinating grief ghosts and is susceptible to “burn-in” or “burn-in induced burnout.” (See Part III of this series for a case example of the latter. Grief ghosts denied, of course, can also lead to mental health issues including depression and substance abuse, as well as transfigure emotional pain into panic or trauma.)

Sufficiently grieving a significant loss that prevents the incubation of grief ghosts and contributes to understanding and growth is rarely a one-trial learning curve. As was outlined in Part III, there are initial grief stages and various emotional states to be engaged in the months, sometimes years ahead. In addition, fully tapping into this underground resource becomes an ongoing, lifetime process of memory and reflection, identification with and integration of the psycho-spiritual essence and value of the person, place, thing, dream, or illusion mourned. The specific nature of a head, heart, and soul expanding or contracting grief journey is channeled by the bio-psycho-social history, personality, emotional support, as well as the degree of order and challenge, rigidity and flexibility in the individual’s eco-cultural landscape and mindscape.

Burn-in sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. Yet many are leery of entering the dark and deep labyrinth of grief, afraid of discovering a shadowy monster within, or that once unleashed, the streaming tears will turn into an uncontrollable raging river. And combined with the cultural messages such as “don’t look back; just move on,” “stop feeling sorry for yourself,” or “aren’t you overdoing the martyr role,” not surprisingly, this hulking, smoldering ghost and the need to meaningfully and deeply grieve is often barely recognized in a “TNT” - “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world. Be advised, at this very moment, these ghosts are loitering in your office halls and on your work floors. In fact, some of the grief ghost carriers distract themselves by always getting into other people’s business. Very quickly a “ghost carrier” can become a “stress carrier.”

Key Fuel Sources for the Burn-in Smolder

So what nature and nurture life experiences and predispositions become kindling for “Burn-in?” Key sources include:
a) lingering life cycle – natural and normative, developmental and transitional – losses insufficiently mourned – whether from natural devastation, e.g., loss of a home and a community in a tornado or hurricane, to man-made decisions and disasters e.g. drug abuse, gang violence, and other health-risk life style choices, to downsizings and divorces, bankruptcies, and foreclosures, or fatal or disabling vehicular accidents; these types of loss often affect more than the material, impacting one’s identity and belief in the future,
b) traumatic experiences denied, prematurely buried, “not discussed in public,” or pushed aside by false pride or shame, e.g., mental illness issues in a family, rape, political torture or prison/immigration camp experience, or PTSD in the military,
c) the gradual loss or deflation of a dream, e.g., having to change self-defining career paths, drop out of school, sell or step away from a personal business or home, whether because: 1) it’s no longer profitable, 2) increasing age or infirmity makes it difficult to sustain the practice or upkeep, or 3) the endeavor has grown beyond your expertise, maturity, and control,
d) the poignant pain of early childhood deaths and illnesses, separations, and abandonments on both individuals and members of the family system, e.g., a parent’s “breakdown” and subsequent lingering depression or diminished emotional presence on a relationship with a child; (e.g., research shows that adults with major early loss issues when exposed to hazardous situations are more susceptible to post-traumatic effects),
e) childhood abuse or bullying; of course, bullying is not confined to the schoolyard – childhood and domestic abuse occurs in the bedroom and worksite bullying is found in the boardroom and on the work floor: the issue of workplace bullying is beginning to share the spotlight with sexual harassment; both may leave indelible scars, and
f) genetic-family predisposition for depression or other mind-body disabilities, along with the stigmatizing societal labels attached by self and others, all may fuel a smoldering, if not burning fire that consumes self-esteem.

All six of these environmental, experiential, and emotional sources and mind-body states and traits, alone or intermingled, intensify the challenge of understanding and managing one’s moods and mindsets, developing work performance competency, as well as evolving emotionally intelligent and successful relationship skills. These hazardous conditions and predispositions often set the stage for eventual burn-in-or burnout implosion or explosion.

Key Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics of Burn-in

As noted earlier, unlike the external demands, excessive responsibilities, and over (or under) whelming everyday grind of burnout, burn-in involves the silent, chronic drain of harboring unconsciously repressed or consciously resisted lingering and reverberating memories and smoldering emotions connected to recent and past losses, transitions, and traumas. And, perhaps most disorienting, painful memories long denied or prematurely buried become the crucible for the birth of “Grief Ghosts.” In viral fashion, these poignant, prematurely buried losses and subsequent ghosts eat away or contaminate your energy, psychic equilibrium, memory, and concentration, along with your self-esteem, identity, and integrity. At minimum, these silent specters have you frequently questioning and doubting yourself. Grief ghosts – overt or covert – if not emotionally engaged and grieved wear down resiliency and increase susceptibility to negative post-traumatic effects. Painful memories from the past get stirred making resiliency or recovery in the face of trauma that more daunting. And naturally, this spectral eruption not only leads to disorienting, reactive, and self-defeating or self-destructive behavior but also contaminates communications and interactions with others.

Let’s examine “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics”:

1. Ecosystem vs. Echo-system. In contrast to burnout’s chronically stressful ecosystem, the foundation of burn-in is a distracting echo-system. That is, in addition to the aforementioned drain of lingering loss and premature or insufficient mourning, there’s the interference of old grief ghost voices. This reverberating static may distract, anxiously overwhelm, or out shout existing thoughts and feelings, beliefs and values that are not grounded in genuine self-awareness and self-confidence.

And sometimes, mere recall of these ghosts is not sufficient to silence the reverberating and endlessly ringing static; to achieve mind-body-spirit harmony you have to psychologically if not physically wrestle with the pain and the loss. There are times we all must enter that “dark and hollow night of the soul” cave, to embrace our shame and fight for our survival, integrity, and peace of mind. For the lingering and worsening pain of ongoing grief that is not sufficiently acknowledged, that is ignored, deferred, diminished, dismissed, shunned, or denied provides the crucible for consolidating raw emotional energy, heartache, or agony into looming, lurking, and loitering grief ghosts. (The entire litany of grief ghosts will be provided in a future series segment.)

Consider this poignant and reverberating example. A friend and colleague, a former Artillery Officer in Vietnam, was perplexed as to why he was feeling so unsettled a week after 9/11. He’d seen plenty of mayhem in his tour of duty, and had knowingly talked with me about it. His powerful war-time experience did not seem to be the crux of his dis-ease. I thought a moment, and then asked, “Didn’t your first wife die years before in a fire that broke out in your home?” Now J. somberly added that he had been unsuccessful in his attempts to rescue her. Suddenly, a knowing look came across his face: “I hadn’t thought of that.” The burning towers of 9/11 had amplified an echo that subliminally was pulling at J.’s gut and heart strings. The grief ghost had come alive; however once embraced emotionally, its powers to disorient and disturb were defused in the moment of epiphany. And if these personal losses are periodically recollected and reflected upon, especially at times of vulnerable loss or separation, those early painful memories may become poignant ones. Grief ghosts will likely remain in hibernation, to be awakened at the time and place of your choosing. Or, when you realize that grief ghosts are often spontaneously aroused during crisis periods, there presence will be less disorienting.

2. From Wearing Out to Shame and Doubt. Because burn-in is often a slow burn, the loss of your role or identity is gradual not surgical, the exhaustion may creep up on you, before you realize the extent of your depletion and disorientation. However, there have likely been signposts along the burn-in path: increasing errors or diminished performance, loss of interest in familiar or favorite activities, going into a social shell or, conversely, in the throes of conflict, displaying “out of character” defensive, exaggerated, agitated, insensitive, or hostile reactions. Clearly, there are some parallels with a depressive or agitated-depressive state. And as your energetic, conscious, decision-making self withdraws or feels stuck, fertile psychic ground emerges for the increasing presence of grief ghosts. And with longevity comes even greater distraction.

3. Amplification of a Ghostly Voice. Over an extended time, the ignored loitering ghost’s voice, while perhaps once operating at a subterranean decibel level, now gets louder and louder, gets more emotionally shrill and accusatory. These past judgmental authority voices often generate a critical static that disrupts our psychic wavelength clarity and distorts or exacerbates memory channels. The potential for amplification only increases in the throes of crisis or as you encounter new and challenging work-life-family transitions, performance-role challenges, and potentially intimate relationships. A new father was struck by how his father’s emotional expressions, ones he did not want to replicate, seemed to unconsciously fly out of his mouth. The more I hear a person declare, “The last person I’ll ever be like is my old man,” the surer I am of a haunted psyche.

4. The Lingering and Introjected Personal-Emotional Toll. Disengaged or alienated grief dries up the emotional juice provided by a once living and breathing, inspiring, and/or infuriating important person, place, position, and/or emotional period in one’s life. As noted, disconnection with the emotions surrounding loss turns burn-in energy and pressure into lingering or loitering ghosts. (Please don’t take my experience having inspiring conversations and vexing head and heart battles with a deceased's voice and internalized essence for the "real" thing, that is, an actual belief in the material existence of ghosts.)

Leaving the ghostly argument to others, consider this startling psychological phenomenon. Most of us know, often first hand, that children are shaped by positive and negative messages from significant others. The praise or ridicule of an authority figure usually has a powerful impact. What often escapes understanding is that they/we also internalize (unconsciously take on or “introject”) the negative and positive emotions and self-images (conscious and otherwise) that these vital and meaningful others have about themselves. Surely, this early, unconsciously internalized psycho-family drama, especially when painful and beyond a child’s comprehension (or even awareness if there are family secrets) is fodder for the birth and evolution of grief ghosts.

This introjected transfusion includes silent emotional energy (positive and negative), degree of self-regard, and the eventual overt and covert communication with insufficiently mourned, lingering, lurking, and even lashing out ghosts. For me, this is a mind-blower. That is, for example, a parent’s or grandparent’s shame or confidence (or lack thereof) unwittingly becomes part of our sense of self and degree of self-esteem, our level of confidence and trust in our competence. The nature of this introjection ultimately impacts how we communicate with our own self as well as with our capacity to relate with others. We are an active and receptive player in a family-ghostly drama, often beyond our apprehension, whether we want to be or not. And the longer the internalized emotions-lingering ghost walks alone, isolated, unrecognized, denied, dismissed, or shunned, the louder and more judgmental the covert voice or look, the heavier the emotional toll and loitering fine. (Insert Hamlet’s Ghost here.) Clearly, when not released through grieving, the negative energy, lingering losses, and critical voices from the past are often interred in our bones and brain.

5. The Disruptive Interpersonal Toll. Remember, restless, rejected ghosts make us susceptible to dysfunctional conflict as we displace onto others old hurts and humiliations. Grief ghost static often induces a low threshold for feeling “disrespected” yet also may generate compensatory hubris, i.e., arrogance or false pride. Personality traits or behaviors we find objectionable often escape self-righteous awareness; those same negative or undesirable qualities of others reside in the grief ghosts of our own making. Ignoring the reality of being quietly consumed by past grief-personal ghosts contaminates and compromises an ability to engage and fight objectively, constructively, and, certainly, with compassion those supposedly difficult people in our present family-social-vocational arenas. This increasingly wearing and wary shadowy phantom subtly yet chronically drains us of vital energy for work, play, and love.

Closing Summary

This essay has provided a comprehensive definition of “burn-in” while also outlining the dynamics and consequences of “Prematurely Buried Grief” (PBG). In addition, key sources fueling burn-in were enumerated and, finally, “Five Burn-in Structural and Diagnostic Characteristics” were introduced. Next time, “Six Self-Assessment Questions for Successfully Negotiating the Crisis-Grief Transition Passage.” Until then…Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Erosive Grief-Ghost Spiral -- Part III: Burnout Exposing the Burn-in…Burn-in Exploding the Burnout

Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels and interplays between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. Parts I & II of this series have examined the connection between prematurely buried or insufficiently grieved life cycle losses and the lingering and disruptive presence of “grief ghosts.” Definitions of burnout, burn-in, and loss were sketched and a detailed outline of the “Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief” was provided. A case example of the connection between loitering losses and lurking ghosts was provided. This essay begins with a vignette that reveals how past loss and trauma denied confounds and contaminates one’s present functioning. It also illustrates how one may need to experience burnout in order to grapple with primal burn-in grief ghosts. Next, comes a classic definition of burnout, a general burnout-inducing mindset, and then, five major sources of burnout are outlined.

At the Burnout-Burn-in Crossroads of Israel, Syria, and New Orleans

Here’s a story that speaks to the latent power of delayed grief; disruptive echoes from a seemingly distant past can still disorient and derail a life in the present. In the mid-1980s, I began working with a New Orleans businessman in his mid-30s on burnout issues he claimed were brought on by a demanding import-export business. His lack of focus and enthusiasm, along with decreasing productivity was evoking feelings of guilt, self-blame, and diminished self-esteem. Actually, he was confused by his state of exhaustion and ennui; normally he is quite decisive. And as his custom, he was mostly suffering in silence, until he heard a Stress Doc radio feature on burnout and called for an appointment.

In my office, the discrepancy between his words and emotional affect had me thinking a vital assessment piece was missing. And in fact, gathering some background history, our focus quickly shifted to another, more traumatic time. This client was also a former Israeli officer who had undergone truly harrowing encounters as a front-line Tank Commander in the 1973 Arab-Israeli War. His traumatic experiences included helping repulse a surprise tank attack by a numerically superior foe; many in his battalion lost their lives. And when finally returning from the battlefield in haste, in a state of exhaustion, he crashes his jeep killing two fellow passengers-soldiers. Necessary reports were filed; however, because he was an officer no psychological debriefing was required. In fact, he had never shared his harrowing experiences and guilt-laden emotions with family members. Now, in my office twelve years later, it was apparent how heavy still the military emotional burden and baggage, and how much it was adding fuel to his sense of shame and burnout fire. Actually, the present burnout smoke signals were more a smoking gun incriminating the long-standing smoldering PTSD within. I rerouted him back to Israel for that long overdue debriefing and encouraged him to begin sharing the suppressed experiences and emotions with his family. Fortified with proper support, he was ready to wrestle with his primal ghosts. I was confident that purpose and passion or even a new direction would rise from those post-traumatic-burnout ashes.

Clearly, this vignette shows how interconnected burnout and burn-in may be. With hindsight, I suspect the toll of loitering grief ghosts each year was getting progressively heavy; the burn-in finally reached a critical combustion point. It’s possible that for this ex-Israeli officer business burnout was a necessary, less conflicted and stigmatizing condition, one that provided a “pass in the impasse.” He could ask for help more readily around his business battle fatigue than for the warring ghosts within. (This is not an uncommon self-labeling ploy. For example, I’ve worked with many clients more willing to initially wear the badge of burnout than to acknowledge some form of clinical depression smoldering internally for months or years.)

Burnout: Definition, “Vital Lesson” Mindset, and “Eco”- and Ego-Driven Sources

With this example as a springboard, let’s explore burnout, from its foundation to its stages. Beginning with my classic definition, Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion – a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give.

The classic or most familiar set-up for burnout is a professional or personal situation or environment that places high ongoing demands and responsibilities upon you while restricting your sense of control, autonomy, and/or authority, along with access to resources and support. However, look for two other volatile ingredients: inflexibly high expectations and elusive goals definitely add fuel to the fire. Consider my “Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If, no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming and you can’t say and mean “no” or won’t let go…because you’ve invested so much time, money, energy, and ego in that one right person, position, or only one right-possible-acceptable outcome…then trouble awaits. The groundwork is laid for apathy, callousness and despair.

But let’s expand from the psychological to the eco-logical and ego-logical. In a rapidly changing, uncertain, and 24/7 wired world, four major sources of burnout are posited – from “eco”-driven (as in organizational eco-system) to “ego”-driven (see the “Vital Lesson” above). A fifth source relates to preexisting “mind-body” conditions that may predispose an individual to burnout, e.g., early childhood losses, chronic illnesses or disabilities, traumatic experiences, and all manner of prematurely buried grief ghosts. Consider these “Five Major Sources of Burnout”:

1. TNT World. In a 24/7, “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world, the boundary between work and home is eroding; how does one truly relax when forever sneaking a peek at the latest text or Outlook message/calendar entry?; where’s that “Off-Duty” taxi sign when you need one?; there’s less recovery time and space with today’s exhausting and intrusive pace, especially for single parent or dual-income families; and to quote NY Times technology blogger, Nick Bilton, unlike the near universally fluent “Internet Natives” (born ABI – After the Birth of Internet”) many “Internet Immigrants” (born BBI – “Before the Birth of the Internet”) will always be challenged by the constant need for survival upgrading.

2. Out of Control World. Even more taxing than the pace of life, is a feeling that you no longer have control of its pace and priorities, especially you can’t influence the outcomes; your actions seem to have less and less consequence. People who have been downsized or anticipate being laid off, or have gone through a foreclosure, or are in an emotionally abusive relationship, or are caught in the always on, always anxious role of caretaker to an infirmed parent (especially when still parenting their kids) can start feeling like pawns – life’s forces and factors seem beyond their control.

Of course, this century we in the US have been confronted by a staggering “out of control” event – September 11th. As previously noted in an article written shortly after the terrorist attack (“Traumatic Stress/Crisis Intervention Techniques and Tips,” email stressdoc@aol.com for the article) a natural result of trauma and crisis is that past and, even, deep-seated memories or associations of previous threats, losses, tragedies or abuses may be stirred up. Initially, the disconcerting association may not be to a specific past event but more to a general feeling, such as being trapped, and feeling out of sorts or not oneself, etc.

As an example, a week after 9/11, a friend and an “S & L” Vice-President and Technology Officer shared how he was still feeling a sense of dis-ease that eluded his understanding. He saw the parallel with his previous combat experience, connecting the devastating rubble and gray ash around the fallen World Trade Center to the bombed out fields in Vietnam. But J. had emotionally grappled with his service experience, including near death encounters as an artillery officer. So the ongoing disorientation was perplexing. I asked J. if it was possible that the subconscious memory being stirred was less war-related and more connected to the tragic death of his first wife; she had been trapped in a roaring home fire. J. attempted a rescue that was unsuccessful. With a surprised and pensive look on his face, J. said, “I hadn’t thought of that.” He now recognized that the fiery ball and flames from the Twin Towers had also blown open personal black box holding memories of traumatic loss and a profound experience of helplessness.

3. Elusive or Egoal-Driven World. When ideals, high expectations, and critical or especially, pride-driven goals prove elusive or are continuously thwarted despite significant investment of time, energy, money, and self-identity, and one can’t step back or “let go,” an individual’s motivational fire will likely become exhausted if not extinguished; in the short-term, before the erosive spiral hits bottom, ambitious, outrageous or self-inflated egoals may be on display; alas, such objectives, whether genuinely daring or delusional, are often the product of deep-seated insecurity, critical ghosts, and magical thinking; by achieving something truly innovative or uncommon, “I’ll show all those doubters and naysayers once and for all!” (See Part IV for my personal burnout vignette.) Alas, if only it were that easy.

4. Niche to Ditch World. When a once successful person simply rests on his or her laurels, tries to cruise to retirement, resists new learning curves, or just habitually performs a repetitive job or starts sleepwalking through the work day or a career path then such a person is susceptible to what I call the “Bjorn Bored Syndrome” (BBS); one’s niche of success has devolved into the ditch of excess; see below.

5. Smoldering-Shaming-Post-Traumatic Ghosts, Depression and Disability Demons, and Disruptive Early Childhood Separations. To the degree a person carries around heavy bio-psycho-social weights (seemingly invisible to the bearer as well as to observers until it’s too late) this individual is germinating grief ghosts and is susceptible to “burn-in induced burnout.” That is, a) lingering life cycle losses insufficiently mourned, b) traumatic experiences denied or pushed aside by false pride or shame, c) the poignant pain of early childhood separations and abandonments on both individuals and members of the family system; (e.g., research shows those with major early loss issues when exposed to hazardous situations as adults are more susceptible to post-traumatic effects), d) childhood abuse or bullying; of course, the latter is not confined to the schoolyard – domestic abuse is in the bedroom and worksite bullying is found in the boardroom and on the work floor: the issue of workplace bullying is beginning to share the spotlight with sexual harassment; both may leave indelible scars; or e) a genetic-family predisposition for depression or other mind-body disabilities, along with the stigmatizing societal labels attached by self and others, all may fuel a smoldering, if not burning fire that consumes self-esteem; such mind-body states and traits also intensify the challenge of understanding/managing one’s emotions and developing work performance competency as well as emotionally intelligent relationship skills. These hazardous conditions and predispositions often set the stage for eventual burnout implosion or explosion.

However, with sufficient support from an eco-system along with the motivation and skills to recall, wrestle with, and transform past psychological “echo-system static,” this primal pain may be harnessed as passionate, purposeful, and exploratory energy and ideas for creative adaptation. As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

So let’s get to know better the pain, despite Carly Simon’s soulful declarations to the contrary.

The Four Stages of Burnout

Whatever the forces and factors of this “erosive spiral,” how can you recognize signs and symptoms? To reiterate, here’s the definition: Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion, a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give. Doesn’t sound like fun.

Now let’s flesh out “The Four Stages”:

1. Physical, Mental, and Emotional Exhaustion. Do you recognize this sequence? Maybe you’re holding it together at work, but as soon as you get home, right for the fridge, get out the chocolate ice cream or the lite-beer, put on the tube, hit the sofa…and you are comatose for the rest of the evening, or wish you could be! (Of course, I frequently hear, “Doc, you mean there’s something wrong with that!”) Normally you pride yourself on doing a thorough job. Now budget cuts have you looking for shortcuts, if not cutting corners, and this gnaws at your self-esteem. Consistently doing more with less not only can induce a case of the brain strain accompanied by an energy shortage and feelings of exhaustion, but people often start becoming “lean-and-MEAN.”

2. Shame and Doubt, maybe Lashing and Tuning Out. When someone asks you to take on a new project, despite wanting to help does a voice inside scream, “Who are you kidding!” Will supervisors, colleagues, friends and family members sense there’s something wrong? You’re feeling shaky in the present and losing confidence about managing the future – you can even start discounting past accomplishments. You worry that others will detect your compromised state. Or, you begin to project your self-doubt, now impatiently criticizing others or even lashing out.

However, being overloaded, grappling with too many demands along with inadequate controls, authority, and accountability is not the only formula for burnout. The erosive spiral also viciously cycles when lacking sufficient mental stimulation, feeling underutilized, or worn down by numbing repetition. I call it the “Bjorn Bored Syndrome,” named after the late-‘70-80s Swedish tennis great, Bjorn Borg. Despite winning four consecutive French and Wimbledon tennis titles, Borg burnt out on the circuit well before he was thirty. (Was the thrill gone?) He had great success, celebrity status, the travel around the world life style…but he also had the drudgery of the all too familiar mind, body, and spirit numbing hours and hours of practice. (And maybe there was an ego issue: he also was losing consistently to John McEnroe at the US Open.) Perhaps his one-time niche of success was turning into the ditch of excess…for Borg it truly was a critical crossroad; he dropped out of the fast-lane. The Bjorn Bored Syndrome: When Mastery times Monotony provides an index of Misery!

Remember, this is not a logical process but a psychological one. Are dark clouds of uncertainty and self-doubt following you? If uncontrollable heavy, labored breathing and exhaling, moaning and groaning are punctuating your day…are you ready to enlist in the Stress Doc’s “Frequent Sigher’s Club?” I’m confident this is one group that will really take off!

3. Cynicism and Callousness. Eventually, some folks have enough of feeling anxious and vulnerable. They start putting on the heavy armor: “Look out for #1,” “Cover your derriere,” “Get out of my way,” or “I could care less,” as well as that instant crowd pleaser, “Whatever,” dripping with scarcasm. And ironically, sensitive or overly accommodating individuals are prone to this personality transformation, eventually developing calloused skin for “self-protection.” Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more a sign that you gave yourself away. Not surprisingly, you can become resentful and feel that people are taking advantage of you. In the short run there may be some payoff –you become abrasive enough or give people the darkly silent evil eye long enough and people start avoiding you. In the long term, not only are you projecting a dysfunctional image, but you are bottling up or covering up all this fear, frustration, and sense of failure. When you put on your heavy armor, you may believe “Nobody’s getting to me.” But more likely, “Nothing’s get out.” All that tension and turmoil is bubbling and boiling inside. And the risk is not only a hardening of the psyche; you may be encouraging a hardening of the arteries – high blood pressure and premature heart attacks or brain attacks, i.e., strokes – as well. As I like to say, strong silent types – you Rambos and Rambettes know who you are – usually get a lot more ulcers than Oscars! Which is why it may be better to move into the fourth stage; sometimes folks have to hit bottom before they will admit needing help.

4. Failure, Helplessness, and Crisis. Being caught in a career or relationship catch-22 often signals the final stage: one may feel, “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t; damned if I stay, damned if I leave.” Your coping strategy is coming unglued. In this vulnerable state, you may be especially sensitive to criticism and feel paralyzed, or being impulsive and acting out. Over time, prolonged stress can inhibit the functioning of brain neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, biochemicals instrumental in mood state, especially feelings of calm, happiness, and joy. And when a person has a genetic tendency or family history of mood instability, has experienced early childhood loss (e.g., the death or chronic illness of a parent) or unresolved trauma (e.g., being raised in a substance abusing family dynamic or, for example, having post-traumatic military stress), then such biochemical predisposition or disruption combined with prolonged stress may even foster clinical depression.

Burnout is like trying to run a marathon at full speed. Without pacing or meaningful stimulation, the mind-body parts wear out, and the mental and psycho-motor apparatus breaks down. In fact, one reason the fourth stage is so disorienting psychologically is that there are cracks in your defensive armor. Emotional memories, those lingering and loitering ghosts, are now floating up to the surface of consciousness. Not only are you dealing with demands in the present but now you are weeping over once significant people you haven’t really thought deeply about in years. You are confused, perhaps fearful over these out of your control memories and mournful sighs. Remember, by the fourth stage, burnout is no longer a logical process but a psychological one. (Do you recall the vignette of the New Orleans businessman/Israeli soldier? And while “Stage Four” sounds terrible, consider this: hitting bottom means there’s no more downward spiral. And if you can reach out, there’s nowhere to go but up. Fourth-stage burnout is the crisis point. Are you ready to reach out for the help and resources you need? Are you willing to connect burnout and burn-in; are you prepared to explore, engage, and embrace your grief ghosts? Are you ready to…Practice Safe Stress?


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II: Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!

Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. This essay will connect emotional losses that linger and loiter and the negative energy that sows shadowy ghostly seeds. Both conditions are impacted by feelings of loss and unrecognized grief which provide a crucible for the gestation of a spectral presence the Doc calls “Grief Ghosts.” Comparing and contrasting the two concepts will help individuals and companies better understand how both burnout and burn-in can set in motion an “erosive spiral” that undermines: a) personal health and motivational focus, b) interpersonal communication, connection, and cooperation, as well as c) team and system productivity. Are you and your company or organization ready for some Workplace Griefbusting?


Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II:
Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!

Thinking about loss factors and being a member of that AA group, Alliterations Anonymous, I couldn’t help but coin the “Eight Dramatic-Depressive ‘D’s” – Death, Disability, Defeat, Damage, Dysfunction, Disillusionment, Disruption, and Disorientation. The “D”s are significant events or experiences infused with bio-psycho-social and/or economic loss. When they are cursorily connected to or disconnected from the process of grief then psychic ground is being laid for restless and roaming if not haunting post-traumatic reverberations. Over time, this hovering, lingering, loitering sense of loss, still not acknowledged or embraced, more often shunned, morphs into alienated grief, or what I call grief ghosts. Burn-in grief ghosts sit heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. (Actually, in light of the number of Boomers who are showing signs of dysfunctional cognitive deficit, I’m on the verge of expanding my “D” list to include premature Dementia. Causing so many levels of loss, this disease is especially haunting for the individual still aware of its debilitating and dependency-inducing effects and, of course, for family members in caretaker roles.)

Let me illustrate some recently encountered “grief ghosts” in my Grief Counselor role for a young government employee and father instantly killed in a “head on” vehicular collision on the way to work. (A big truck crossed over a highway dividing line.) While the employee’s tragic death was the immediate catalyst for the request for a consultation, many of the folks encountered were on what I call the emo-existential edge because of their own long-lasting, lumbering ghosts. A common yet psychologically complex and multifaceted shadow now brought to light was the ghost of stormy marital or intimate relationship past, even one of seemingly ancient history – especially when tensions and tearing down had eventually become a staple of the relationship. Not only were many searing memories connected to the loss-divorce of a spouse or mate who invariably defied simply being loved or detested, but loss involved both the loss of one’s role and identity as a partner, that state of disruption and disorientation. Actually, research indicates it’s harder to emotionally grieve the death of a spouse from a troubled marriage than a mate from a healthier one, perhaps because the interaction of the former was a breeding ground for an array of disturbing ghosts.

In addition, even family of origin voices, often of an all too familiar and manipulative nature – that game-playing, blaming, or shaming variety – may once again overtly reverberate in this volatile land- and mindscape’s “echo-system.” Not surprisingly, this relationship rupture was frequently a shock to a person’s core self-image. And when lingering and especially long-standing, festering subterranean grief collides with crisis tremors, there’s a spectral outpouring of mythic-like effect. Akin to a band of vultures spewed from the bowels of the earth, myriad ghosts arise and circle ominously on a now haunted horizon.

A Swarm of Ghosts: Case Vignette

During the above workplace crisis/grief debriefing, one County Supervisor quickly conjured up multiple ghosts from differing time periods. Interestingly, as I was wandering the office halls, making myself visible, this Supervisor was trying to convince a colleague to have a grief debriefing session with me. Not surprisingly, I had to track her down in her office before she would agree to talk. The first riveting revelation was of an older sister killed in the 9/11 World Center attack. The violent death of her colleague likely heightened the connection to her sister’s horrific demise. Her eyes quickly watered; not surprisingly she expressed surprise. But for me most noteworthy, alas, as many are wont to do, she was also apologetic for her overflow. Which begs the question: Why do so many apologize when they unexpectedly cry? My hypothesis is that: a) the bereaved individual feels it is a sign of weakness, that is, she should have basically “gotten over it” by now, b) believes he or she is imposing their vulnerability upon or discomforting the other party, or c) the bereaved individual believes the other person views the crying as a sign of weakness; of course, this assumption may be correct, however, it may also be a projection. (In fact, crying is your emotional wellspring. When crying out of hurt, fear, or sadness (or even joy) the mind-body becomes a safety valve and cleansing process; emotional tears not only let off pressure and tension but also literally flush out accumulated stress toxins.)

This woman also recalled the stormy interaction and termination of a troubled marriage, its impact on the kids, as well as her decision to retrain professionally, eventually uprooting from family in New Jersey to take her current job in Maryland. Another reason for her volatility was that just a few days before, a somewhat close friend in his late 50s died of a heart attack. And when I asked if she had anyone to talk to at work or on the outside regarding her litany of losses, she shook her head. Over the years, the advice received from most people was, “It’s time you got over it.” Clearly, her support system was on the verge of extinction; all work and little play seemed to be sowing low grade depression. After explaining the propensity for past pain to be dredged up by crisis, I made three suggestions: a) keep grappling with the ghosts, there’s no time line for “getting over it,” b) “fight for what you need” (a mantra that she insisted would shine forth from her screensaver), and c) consider some brief EAP counseling to help with a) and b).

Connecting Loss, Transition, and “The Stages of Grief”

As sad and tragic as they are, the unexpected deaths of her friend and of her colleague have also provided a poignant opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box of grief. And while numerous furies rush out, invariably sowing some chaos in their turbulent draft, many forget that the final spirit out of the box was “hope.” So consider this Stress Doc mantra: Grieve, let go, and grow with the flow!

From a common sense perspective, grief is “the cause (and expression) of intense, deep, and profound sorrow, and other strong emotional outpourings involving a specific event or situation” (Encarta Dictionary) triggered by a significant loss or disruptive change. We often connect loss and grief via the premature death, incapacitation, or separation of a parent, child, grandparent, sibling, or any close relative, friend, or colleague. However, as sketched in Part I, grief may be a byproduct of broad array of experiential and psychological losses and transitions. Particularly when the death, damage, defeat, disability, disillusionment, disruption, or disorientation (or even acknowledged dementia), is sudden or unexpected, this triggers or sets the psychological platform for a grief reaction or response. At minimum, the individual is often thrown into an early grief state-stage, such as “shock” or “denial.”

The critical question regarding a grief process is the degree to which an individual gradually and meaningfully navigates or superficially and dismissively circumvents the various stages. Do you periodically visit and revisit (or shun and block out) the complex of emotions and memories surrounding a major or significant loss? Do you admit the daily impact of diminished mind-body functioning and grieve what was in order to adapt to and explore new potential and possibilities? Does the individual over time pursue in depth journeying (from group sharing to personal reflection-journaling) or avoidance and distraction (or maladaptive numbing)? The answer will likely either generate grief growth or germinate grief ghosts.

I will use the timely theme of job/career disruption for illustrating the “Stages of Grief” and the process of grappling with the psychological component of change, i.e., the threat, loss, and challenge of “transition.” Here are:

The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times

With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the present danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser, and better supported-connected through genuine grief.

As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

A soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career transition-confusion, and uncertainty. So here are "The Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief":

1. Shock and Denial or “This Is Not Possible” or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!

2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" or “What Will They Think Now?” Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, bullied, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.

I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?

3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed, and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.

Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes, albeit powerful ones, than a judgment upon you.

4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" or “Making a Pact with the...Spiritual.” The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity, and esteem) can become louder and more incessant; self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain and demoralize you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle. It’s no longer “black or white”: you are not simply “evil.”

Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.

5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful, and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend (and temper) rage with sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-defeating behavior, e.g., “shooting your self in the foot” or “putting that proverbial foot in mouth” than it does to "Going Postal!"

If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen – if not untie – the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) some doors again.

6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy, and/or money in this position, partner, or one possible outcome…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other? Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a one-trial learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues, or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, your energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Grief and depression can be easily confused as loss and sadness are common to both. One possible differentiating factor to consider: depression often involves internalized anger, and the energy needed to hold down an angry eruption further contributes to an exhausted-depressed state. During a grief process one’s anger, whether rational or not, is eventually acknowledged, the “cause” of the anger is more objectively if not forgivingly perceived. Aggressive energy is eventually transformed into more purposeful if not passionate focus and direction. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout, and/or depression.)

Finally, remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with caring or kindred spirits. As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

Part III will examine key existential questions that have bearing on the development of and recovery from both burnout and burn-in. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.