Space-Time Travelers and Lovers: The Path of Letting Go

For well over a year, I have been smoldering about the end of my ten-year, long-distance relationship, and especially, how I was blocked by both mother and, IMHO, indirectly by “Nana,” from having any further connection with my ex’s granddaughter.  I was crazy about this little girl, doting upon her with undivided attention, creative-playful energy, and unconditional love.  Lil Charlotte has been remembered and celebrated in word and song.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com for a Charlotte sampler.)  And she (or a symbolic representation) adorns the cover of my forthcoming e-book, Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh and Love.

Actually, in the past couple of months the burning fires and depressed embers have been fading; the flood of tears, a few friends, and new creative gears are helping me move ahead and repair that once broken heart.  Ironically, no longer so enraged, no longer feeling so caged, having sufficiently (albeit, not completely) detached, it’s possible to view my ex-partner without all the steam and fury.  I can better distinguish feelings for her and our time together, before my work slowed (and her insecurities increased regarding my financial stability).  And, before a grandchild entered our orbit.

In light of previous painful exchanges only a couple of months ago, and considering that we still have not met face-to-face since the last time we were in the same room in Jan 2015…was this new mindscape trustworthy?  Was I ready to express appreciation for the loving times and spaces that we shared:  would I be opening a wound or inviting myself to be once again wounded?

So a debate raged within, and then an opening…a poem was dawning.  “Space-Time Travelers and Lovers” is now ready to come out of the creative closet.  It is followed by an introduction to another grief-themed poem, “On the Ode to Letting Go.”  (A poem, I am proud to say, that was recently used as a teaching tool by a Lutheran Church Ministry group; see below.  It also appears in the aforementioned Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss.)  I hope you find the tandem w/rite of passage meaningful.  Peace,  MG

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

Author of the new e-book on Amazon, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World: Writings, Raps, & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency, Burnout Recovery, and Digital Sanity

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GIPXVH4/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

Synopsis:  An insightful and inspiring guide for self-discovery and heart-to-heart connection, Preserving Human Touch... is the painful, playful, and soulful outpouring of a one-of-a-kind – stage and page – "Motivational Psychohumorist" TM and "word artist."  Whether poetry or prose, purposeful or poignant, the language is colorful yet clear – a tapestry of meaningful substance and magical style.  As a psychohumorist, the Doc has been pioneering the field of psychologically humorous "rap" music -- Shrink Rap Productions! This ingenious synthesis is best captured by the “Stress Doc’s” ™ quest to be the Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages).

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Space-Time Travelers and Lovers

Once upon a time and so far away…

Love meant never having to say you're sorry

But it's all relative

When space-time bends chemical trends

Turning a “Yes” into “NO!”

So much more EBB than flow

As starship lovers no longer friends

Passing in the night…once out-of-sight

The gravity glue between two dark-distant bodies

A delayed, weak soular signal:

An ex-paramour’s dashboard amends.

Best and Worst of Times

Going round and around

Earth Mother in elliptical circles…

Sometimes a flyaway comet

Sometimes cradled in each other’s orbit

A partner planet

Then a little moon arrived

With her crescent smile

That drove me good crazy

And magnetic halo that lit up the sky

Don’t ask me why

My career/work was aborted

And a trust-line shorted.

Instead of coming closer, now apart further

Revealing two ego-alien natures

A heartbreak space station...once a force-field of dreams.

But how would one know with Earth’s silent screams?

Perhaps best to say

In this galaxy, anyway

Two orbs are company

Three is a crowd!

Especially when in the mind of one

The other won’t find another way.

And in the mind of the other

One won’t take another look:

Each reads from a different (work)Book!

Rages, Stages, and Steps

Once ejected from the family solar system

Wounded soul flares erupt

Spewing radioactive rage

Toxic heat and heavy light in a Dark Age

Sucking the air from black hole grief.

Turning point:  reaching for 12-Step relief:

A reflecting pool, a time to cool

Down blazing shadows

To wade in the shade

Fury, finally, starting to fade

And none too soon

Enabling this far from heavenly body

To ponder his eclipse by the Earth

No longer blinded by his lost little Moon.

Hard to believe:  being so helpless

All alone in the darkness

When days feel like weeks

The one vital sign-source:

Core lava waterfall wrath

Cherry-magma tear-dyed cheeks

Turning pain into war paint

Words drawn from blood, sweat, and tears

To disarm voices that split me in half.

Letting Go to “No” and Flow

In the fiery furnace of that dark night

Oh how can self-doubt

Morph as a flaming red light?

Do know your limits…Don’t limit your No’s!

Stop justifying to friends or foes

Trust the prose of soul sisters or bros

No shame stepping on some big toes.

Now transform “fight or flight”

Into let go luminous loss

That will run its course

As a gentle rain path

Washing away scarlet shame ranting

Magma mask finger point painting.

Embracing my sadness

Much stronger than madness.

Half Full/Empty Memory Scope

Recalling starlit games at bedtime

Pot-belly laughs and zippy high-lines

Yellow stones…to mountain climbs

Coastal shores and tundra pines

Not to mention vineyard wines

Your matzoh ball soup, latkes, and Seders

Helping you deal with plant-loving Jew baiters.

For a good while this was quite fine

But my being weird wired

I know you got tired with

A world of “word artist” designs

Sans bottom line recovery signs.

We weathered some storms…just not stormy weather

Alas, for me, 9-5, a dead letter

Yet, some regrets:  could I have done better?

Never astral bodies of a feather

Still… grateful for time travel together!

©  Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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A Spiritual Path for “Ode to Letting Go” 

Recently, with the help of a good friend/colleague, I led a “Practice Safe Stress” workshop for her church ministry group.  We all had a great time:

Trinity Lutheran Church/Stephen Ministry Program, N. Bethesda, MD; "Developing Stress Resilience through Humor:  A Caregiver's Playshop"; 1.5 hours

June 22, 2016

Mark - my go-to-stress-reliever -
THANK YOU & below I'm sharing a message from Miriam.
Yes, we "talked about you" -- all in a good way - our group was amazed and positively positive --
THANK YOU for braving the storm and making this "anniversary" a time to work out, work through, and work toward more healing in so many ways.

We'll be in touch -

HUGE Gorkin Fan

Donna Shriver
dshriver79@aol.com
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Hi Donna,

Thanks for bringing Mark to our Stephen Ministry Program. He was absolutely great and offered so many good ideas and coping mechanisms for stress. I am definitely interested in his E-book and in getting him back to Trinity...The timing you chose bringing Mark in for his talk was perfect.

Peace,
Miriam

Directormamendenhall@verizon.net

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And then, about a week later, I received these ego-boosters from Donna S. who, herself, has a very lively and distinctive style of expression that waxes from the lyrical to the spiritual:

Hi Mark - FYI - YES, we are using your poetry & discussion questions for tonight's Stephen Ministry supervision meeting.  ALSO (yes, we talked about you -- all in a good way). -- I must tell you how enthused Miriam is about you -- last night (Monday, July 18) a smaller group of us - Miriam, Louise, Sarah, Patricia & I -- the "cheer squad" - got together for dinner -- I think you met Miriam & Louise - and Miriam read your poem to prepare us for Tuesday's meeting -- hoping we will think about it and have our discussion ready.  She likes "growl, howl, eat crow" -- she loves the word play and the rhythm of the sounds -- and the depth within the fun.  She mentioned several times how the "fun" and "depth" can be an interesting mix - and very effective - and so on-board with what we do as Stephen Ministers.  She is definitely working on a schedule to bring you back to a larger group - in the works for later…

Well, we definitely continued our education -- On the Ode to Letting Go - was dynamic and a different version of our regular Stephen Ministry (SM) training.  Miriam read the poem with wonderful force and emphasis.  Fun to hear her growl and howl.  She had us break into groups of 2 --10 people so 5 groups -- and we had private discussions with our partners.  One-on-one we bring out private information that doesn't always make it to the big group - and that shows the intimacy of sharing thoughts and ideas with only one person -- which is one of SM's positive roles.  “Don't throw in the towel -- Fight another day” -- for those of us struggling with job stress, these images hit the target. 

Our private pairs talked for about 20 minutes before sharing our main ideas with the group.  The famous 5 stages of grief were paralleled in your vision-inducing words:  howl, stew, tears, peace, learn -

Rise up - study - know - learn -

An interesting dimension - it was discussed how the poem and the "Ode to Letting Go" thrust was to use our strength from within -- to "heal yourself" -- lick wounds -- peace in gut and soul -- rather than our SM (thrust / view / push -- seeking the right word) -- our SM Christian thrust - we always look to our savior's guidance, reassurance, live-affirming love and way of life -- and we use Biblical references, God's everlasting love -- and a strength based on dependence -- letting go to Let God take our problems -- Letting Go to Forgive, and Letting our Heavenly Father be our shepherd. 

The SM dimension adds - without apology -- God's love and the idea that we "walk with Jesus" -- to walk along care receivers in their journey through the problem -- through aging -- through life's struggles and eventual debilitation.

Your prelude, ("epiphany" hits a familiar chord with this crowd -- Miriam understood the power of wordplay -- TNT - 3D - 11th Commandment -- she is familiar with Adam Gopnik, Darwin/Lincoln -- Albert Camus -- voila -- Phoenix rising from the ashes --

I was thrilled that Miriam was gung-ho about using your material (something outside the SM-approved training guide book)!

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On the Ode to "Letting Go"

At some point towards the end of 2014, at long last…an epiphany.  I finally began to grasp that in today's TNT - Time-Numbers-Technology - World ever-clouded in a "3-D" - Driven-Distracted-Disruptive - Web, lengthy essays were not the way to attract a cyber-audience.  Once again the imperative "to do more with less" rules.  (Actually, if feels like it has become the 11th Commandment!)  Makes me think of writer Adam Gopnik's powerful mantra from his book on Darwin and Lincoln:  "Repetition is the law of nature, but variation is the rule of life."  Now uncertainty and adversity, along with necessity, became the progenitors of invention.

The opportunities in separation and loss was beautifully and succinctly captured by the 20th c. French-Algerian Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible…pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Surely, one way of putting more into a smaller (yet meaning-filled) package is by shifting from prose to verse.  And voila…the concept of "Resiliency Rap" became the poetic Phoenix rising from the Internet ashes.  I suppose this "Ode" is fitting, as it begins to capture my understanding of the struggle of letting go in all domains – from the virtual to the actual.

On the Ode to "Letting Go"

To start "letting go" you must rise up and growl

Then let out a howl

Study that which seems foul –

Lick wounds for a while…stew in your woes.

Just don't throw in the towel; better…

Do know your limits, don't limit your "No"s!

Hmm…What do you know?

Those critical voices, grief ghosts on the prowl

Now flushed from your bowels

As tears flood timeworn echoes:

Peace flows through gut and soul.

So "strive high, embrace failure"

Jump into the fray

Still learning to fight another day.

For when you let go to life's ebb and flow

You will even know when it's time to eat crow!

©  Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Perspective on the Poem, Power to the Poet

I key component of working through loss and grief often involves engaging and harnessing rage and hostility.  This dynamic often raises its head when you feel manipulated, put down, overrun, or victimized by another; attributing the flash of feeling to perceived injustice, insult, and/or invasion…and there's no recourse other than "letting go."  And, most surprising, being "powerless" does not necessarily mean being "helpless."  I'm allowing myself to more gradually feel and sit with these emotional charged states of aggression before engaging an antagonist.  I'm doing a psychic scan:  are past hurts confounding present heat?

Also vital…acknowledging the loss of "fair or reasonable world" expectations.  It is unrealistic to think I can control another adult's behavior (and detrimental to want to, other than protecting my own boundaries, preserving self-integrity, and building healthier relationships).  I can express or assert my needs and desires, but must learn to accept that others may not subscribe to my vison or values; many will choose not to walk "the word artist" path.

Finally, grief not only helps us regulate anger with others, but enables us to more gently own our flaws and failings.  In the game of life, a deeper and wiser sadness sometimes can even trump or dampen those raw and raspy as well as shrill-shaming voices.

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Discussion Questions

1.  Why is growling and howling often a vital part of truly "letting go?"

2.  What might be some benefits of "studying that which is foul" and "stewing in (your) woes"?

3.  What does the phrase "grief ghosts" conjure?  What images and ideas?

4.  What does it take to "strive high" and "embrace failure?"  What might be some benefits of embracing contradiction?

5.  Have you ever "learned to fight another day" or had "to eat crow"?  If so, what feelings are aroused at first, then over time?

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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.