How to Talk to the Bully: Disarming Workplace Bullying

Prologue:  As many of you know, when I write about bullying or trauma in general it comes from my personal well, including several years of childhood bully trauma:  stricken by shame, taunted by peers but mostly stalked by my own lurking fear and helplessness, a constant struggle to concentrate, unaware of my smoldering depression, subliminal rage, and omnipresent mask.  Then there was the nuclear tension and family secrets (e.g., a father's hidden fifteen years of shock therapy.  In such a closeted  environment, one learns to stuff all kinds of emotions, even terror, until you can't.)  With the help of Army Basic Training, my Social Work graduate studies, and a lot of therapy, I survived and developed some important self-awareness and vital emotional muscles.  As an adult, my bully learning lab was "hazardous duty" experience, especially doing stress, conflict, violence prevention, and team building consulting with such major government agencies as the US Postal Service, National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Department of Commerce. 

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The subject of bullying and animal types came up several times this week:  from a divorce process involving a psychologically battering spouse and his "shark" attorney to a woman watching a friend's dog "bully" her own dog while caring for this "mad dog."  (My dogie endearment term.  Already fed, the guest canine would still snarl at my friend's pet while he was trying to eat.  She realized her dog was hardly eating and started feeding the two in separate rooms.)  My friend's household observation eventually triggered a conceptual bridge to and discussion around "bullying in the workplace."  Perhaps at a later date I'll share our program development thoughts, but for now let me provide a subjective definition:

A bully is an individual who has a need to dominate others along with an extreme, self-centered craving for control, especially of others for whom they feel a sense of threat or envy.

This dominant or aggressive pattern often is cultivated by being bullied or abused in one's family or in a peer group.  Of course, this environment models intimidation as a problem-solving tool of choice.  And once a pattern of success is achieved through bullying, an individual may simply enjoy the power and dopamine boost of seeing others squirm under his or her literal or figurative thumb.

Conversely, bullying behavior can arise from the smoldering rage and insecurity of feeling abandoned or of being invisible in a family; or perhaps seeing oneself and being labeled as a "lower class" cultural outsider or outcast.  The bully may be quick to feel insulted or disrespected.  Subsequent aggressive behavior often reflects a wounded sense of self.  Which, not surprisingly, leads to the following dynamic:

The bully often physically or psychologically intimidates others as a way of boosting their own vulnerable sense of self.  In addition, the bully process helps to distract from their own insecurity and self-loathing or to deny a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Here are five basic reasons why bullies have power over us:

a) Bully's Status -- they have the role, stature, and clout to inflict physical and/or psychological (including economic or career advancement) harm; to demean and diminish our social position, prestige, and power; such individuals may feel entitled to special treatment or immunity (e.g., "too big to fail" mentality); the bully also may play down his or her hostile actions and see the other as overly sensitive,

b) Superior-Subordinate Culture -- we have been raised in a family or culture that deems it wrong, bad, or disrespectful to talk back to people who are senior or in position of authority; tradition and convention are upheld on a rigid, "sacred cow" (another quiet bully animal?) pedestal.  Consider the "Stress Doc's Law of the Loyalty Loop and Lock":  Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer,"

c) Ineffective Leadership -- especially in the workplace, but also in other educational or social settings, people in authority roles do not want to tackle the bully, whether from fear or because these individuals do not want to be bothered with the necessary "disciplinary paperwork."  Such leaders do not perceive the demoralizing potential of bullying, and/or try to ignore or isolate the problematic individual; (would you downplay, disregard, or simply isolate a serious virus in your computer?).  Alas, there are times when those in authority allow bullying or use the bully as overt or covert agents of aggression to send a message to the targeted individual(s), along with other team members. 

d) Learned Helplessness -- our own long-standing "learned helplessness," seeing ourselves as ineffective, including gripped by high anxiety and feelings of shame; we possess limited assertive conflict-problem solving communication skills; perhaps we have had role models who too believed they possessed low self-control, or we feel disconnected from potential allies; too often, this individual sees himself as helpless in the face of victimization or not worthy of self-defense,

e) Difficulty Asking for Help -- the bullied individual may have limited access to trustworthy adults who could become coaches in his corner; more likely he is afraid and ashamed to acknowledge feelings of terror or vulnerability, especially when a family motto is, "God helps those who help themselves!"  As targets, sometimes we can't conceive of people behaving in such a hostile or cruel manner and are left speechless, in a state of shock.  Remember, while there may be some risk in asking for help, it usually is much less destructive on your mind-body than any imagined retribution; alas, the perceived humiliation of asking for help is only outdone by the actual agony of suffering in silence.

Confronting Bullying:  Five Strategic Tools, Techniques, and Tips

Now that we have a definition of bullying and the psychosocial conditions that encourage this demeaning, power-driven, and manipulative process, our final segment...How to engage and set limits on the bully and bullying interaction:

Ø  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations

Ø  Be Courageously Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors

Ø  Announce an Intention to Bring in a Third Party

Ø  Facilitated Confrontation or Conflict Mediation

Ø  Purposefully Walk Away to Fight Another Day

1.  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations.  Consider these three vignettes.

a) I recall being hired by a business owner for a technical writing project.  Once again he was criticizing my effort with a condescending and dismissive tone.  I finally protested, with perhaps a bit too much emotion:  "I don't mind specific negative feedback but globally dismissing my work; I don't buy it."  In fact, I mustered up some poise using an "I" message, not blurting out a blaming "You're just a bully."  I have not worked for him since, but the absence of that gnawing, self-berating angst, that toxic voice in my head -- "Why didn't you speak up!" -- is almost priceless.

b) Then there was a time years back when a Type A owner of a word processing company, (a former New Yawka, like myself) challenged me with, "How am I supposed to know what to do if you can't give instructions?  (Definitely an attacking "you" message there.)  My response was both verbal and nonverbal:  While tactfully declaring, "I'm not so sure," I also straightened my posture, held up one hand, palm facing her, (this was not a signal to "talk to the hand") while slightly elevating my voice.  Though verbally diplomatic, the gestalt of the message was, "That aggressive attitude and tone was not acceptable; it must stop."  And she did modify her counter:  "Well if there's a problem, it takes two."  And certainly when I'm in a hyper mode, I can't always be sure of the airtight accuracy of my instructions.  I smartly said, "I can live with that."  I wanted to maintain a working relationship as she did good work; I didn't need to puncture her ego nor prove I was right.

c) Finally, the coaching client who had been beaten down verbally and emotionally by her spouse over many years, stated her goal just before she and her soon-to-be-ex were meeting with their lawyers before a judge:  "I no longer want to be intimidated by him."  I immediately challenged this declaration.  "That's a longer term goal.  Right now you have to assemble a really competent and aggressive team, especially a battle-tested attorney, who will fight for your interests."

Closing

I will introduce the remaining four interventions as separate essays.  Up next:  "Be Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors."  Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A former psychotherapist, “The Doc” is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service and is a recognized Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing expert.  The Stress Doc is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Offending Rules, Bending Rules and Upending Rulers While Defending the Rule of Life

Another Shrink Rap ™, one that draws on my organizational consulting and workshop leading experience.  (As noted in the lyric, I was a former Stress and Violence Prevention Expert for a well-known if not notorious government agency.)  This “Resiliency Rap” ranges from describing bullying culture to encouraging a participatory one; it also provides an example of using disarming and self-affirming humor as well as thoughts on evolutionary adaptation. Would love to hear your comments.  Please share with others.  Enjoy!
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Offending Rules, Bending Rules and Upending Rulers

While Defending the Rule of Life

Offending Rules

A powerful group makes subordinates stoop

One clan feels entitled the other belittled.
And free-floating anger may well signal danger
As “us” in the trenches or at their work benches
Tend to cower or glower at “them” in the tower
Who never touch ground nor walk around
Asking for ideas quite different from theirs.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
When survival means trust, give and take is a must!

Bending Rules and Upending Rulers

Here is an adage to manage such damage:

To be a man of your word means others are heard!
A great way to engage, flex emotional muscle.
To be viewed as a sage, spread the voice in the huddle.
Get on the same page through heartfelt rebuttal.
Defuse smoldering rage with healing humor most subtle.
Wake up…share the stage; there’s no time for rehearsal.
When the un-heard become a herd your domain’s “going postal!”
(And the Doc knows postal stress having consulted for the USPS.)

So consider these words, spiced with the absurd:

A roomful of nurses were radiating curses
Why were they distraught?  A speedy retort:
From all-knowing docs they get little respect
In their world of hard knocks, they must genuflect.
Then the nurse chief drumming tribal grief:
Does Top Dog have our back when we’re under attack?
How can one self-defend when you must always bend
To the will of those…alphas lacking real clothes?
What they wanted to say:  Go ahead, make my day!

Once again on the mind-racing spot:
How to untangle this pressurized knot

As hungry ears and eyes growl awaiting a most doubtful prize.
While the scene it was troubling, brain cells they were bubbling…
Then, all of a sudden, a bolt of intuition.
How about you declare with an unassuming air:
“Today I may not be my usual me.”
And when the doc gives a skeptical look
Say, matter of fact, “I hurt my back.”
Now when he groans, with a haughty tone
“How did you do that?”...Try a shrewd tack:
(Though some will misconstrue being “shrewd” for a shrew.)
“I must confess, it’s but a mere guess
And I fervently hope that it’s not my fate…Hmm
I’ve been bending over backwards for too many of late.
But do not be fearful; I’ll be much more careful
Of what does and does not get thrown on my plate!”

Now, on the double the nurses roared their approval.

Frustration was vented, their standing less dented
The issue of status was put on hiatus
As now group invective bowed to one self-directive:
A show of integrity mixed with solidarity
Softens the blow of “almighty authority.”

Defending the Rule of Life

A moral ending most fitting:

Though flora and fauna are diverse in stature
In fact, repetition is the law of nature. **
But when it comes to grappling with strife
It’s not always the strongest who last the longest
Or even one with the biggest knife.

Wrestling with an uncommon bind
Survivors have common traits well-aligned:
What sets the fittest apart – first, a brave open heart:
They don’t shrink in horror when facing a mirror
Nor shriek in terror when confronted with error
And over time, despite practice designed
Still embrace the chance to dance deviance.
It’s the problems they delve that help them evolve.
As mentioned before, let me underscore
Repetition and nature, like birds of a feather
By instinctive law are wedded together.
But Darwin’s adaptors, unlike lumbering raptors
(While they had a nice run, the dinos are done
Alas, even T-Rex is now merely an ex)
You’ll so often find when caught in the grind
Display a most agile, novel-seeking mind
Blending solo creation and cooperation.
With mutation and crisis as natural midwife
Variation, itself, is the main rule of life!  **

**  From Adam Gopnik, Angels and Ages: A Short Book about Darwin, Lincoln, and Modern Life, 2009; “Repetition is the law of nature but variation is the rule of life.”

© Mark Gorkin 2013

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, "The Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company. Mark leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.

Retreat Exercises and Interventions that Changed Organizational Cultures: Two Unexpected Discoveries and Declarations

Last week produced a “déjà vu” experience although it was definitely not the “déjà vu all over again” variety. For only the second time in my speaking career I received unanticipated feedback from participants of a workshop two or more years after the actual event. This is not trivial as one of the challenging aspects of being a speaker and “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ is whether my entertaining “soft skills” programs have any tangible long-term consequences. Delayed feedback is especially meaningful when the workshop or conference event is a one shot effort or there isn’t a planned follow-up.

Before illustrating the present let me fondly recall the past. About five years ago, at a conference for various legal professionals, a manager from a large DC law firm greeted me: “Hello, Stress Doc.” Upon seeing my sheepishly puzzled grin, she continued. “Don’t you remember you spoke to the managers of our law firm…And we did the drawing exercise?” (First, the two-hour workshop had likely been held four or five years prior to this encounter. To further clarify, the aforementioned exercise, now named my “Three ‘D’ – Discussion-Drawing-Diversity – Team Building Exercise,” is the closing showstopper at most speaking and workshop events. Basically it asks groups of 4-6 participants to identify sources of everyday workplace stress and conflict or to list barriers to more effective and creative team coordination. After ten minutes of discussion people are given an equal amount of time to transform their verbal ideas into a visual story or metaphoric image, e.g., a sinking ship, a slippery mountain slope, a three-ring circus, a menacing “troublesaurus” stalking the workers at a plant, etc. Participants then do a “gallery walk” eyeballing their colleagues’ images without discussing their teams’ creation. Finally, each group selects a spokesperson and holder for the “show and tell.” Of course I remind the groups, “Don’t everybody volunteer to be a holder!” The closing exercise invariably becomes a “Show and Tell morphing into an ‘Aha,’ ‘I’m Not Alone’ and Lampooning Laughter” experience. It’s a visceral-verbal-visual four “c”-ing event – building “camaraderie, collaboration, creativity and community.”)

Enough background, let’s return to the manager’s story. Once again my silence triggered another question and explanation: “Don’t you remember our “stress picture” and what you said?” My look must have said, “Tell me more.” She continued: “Our group drew these pigeons overhead with people standing below. And raining down on the crowd were these brown pellets. Then, before we could comment further, you chimed in with, ‘Oh, Raisinets.’”

While I was mentally patting myself on the back, the woman shared the real impact of the experience beyond her personal vivid memories and my clever reframe. As it turned out, the exercise became woven into the corporate culture. Whenever a stress or crisis issue arose that disrupted all the managers, the head of the managers would buy a box of Raisinets for all the participants. Talk about keeping workshop meaning, morale and momentum alive. Now that’s an “emotionally intelligent” leader!

The Name Game

The second vignette involved my leading a day-long “Team Building” offsite for managers of an IT Division of the Department of Commerce in July 2011. I had led a somewhat similar retreat with this group two years earlier. For the 2011 retreat I wanted to use a different opening – my “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” Exercise. Basically, groups of three or four discuss, “How does your ‘Brain, Body and Behavior’ let you know when you’re under more stress than usual?” However, the “Three B’s” didn’t have a chance.

The manager’s group clamored for our 2009 icebreaker: “The Nickname Exercise.” They enthusiastically recited names that two years later are still in play and continue to evoke peals of laughter. Now they desired to give nicknames to the new managers; some folks even wanted to do a personal name upgrade. (These are IT geeks and gurus after all!) All this banter provided incontrovertible evidence of the Director’s pithy observation: “That exercise really stuck!”

Let me outline the exercise. In small groups, team members interview each other, trying to discern quirky yet essential or even contradictory aspects of a personality or character. Nicknames often reflect a person’s passion or talent, while gently skewering the same. I especially like ones which have a playfully teasing or self-effacing quality. The best of them are usually visual and alliterative and may be a play on words. Two years before I had provided such examples as, “The Splendid Splinter” (Ted Williams), “The Louisville Lip” (Cassius Clay’s nickname before he became Mohammed Ali and “The Greatest”) or “Sitting Bull” (which was, of course, not a nickname but his Native American appellation). Since then, I’ve added to my repertoire. One day a Ft. Hood 1st Sergeant who had witnessed my animated speaking style told his colleagues, "The Doc is a firecracker!" Then a month later, another workshop participant commented on my meaningful, “philosophical” approach to subject matter. Now a personal moniker (in addition to “Stress Doc,” provided me years ago by the TV Editor of the New Orleans’ Times Picayune) jumped out: Philosophical Firecracker! The nickname aptly captures a Yin-Yang duality –- having both an introspective (cave) and extraverted (stage) nature.

Returning to our IT Managers, these folks came up with a bounty of nicknames, both past and present: “Hit and Run,” (a troubleshooting consultant), “Southern Comfort,” (a name reflecting both family geography and a mostly soft spoken, empathic temperament) and “The Logical Lotus” (an analytical Asian woman). Some people had been anticipating this exercise, one fellow changed his to “The Great Kudzu” (as he has to be everywhere; I don’t recall his original name), another Director chose “Crazy Glue” over “Super Glue” (though it was clear he was viewed as instrumental in keeping the division together, if just barely, on the functional side of “more work than can ever be managed” chaos).

Still…Not the Whole Story

While the Nickname Exercise had staying power, this time around it was our beginning and ending process that truly was empowering. By going with the group flow and frolic and delaying my planned opening agenda, we all immediately began to bond. And clearly, I was comfortable sharing the reins of control with the group. An unspoken question often hovering in the retreat workshop shadows: what is the optimal balance between spontaneity and structure?

After “Nickname: Part II,” I orchestrated a series of exercises culminating in one that would have small groups problem solving division-specific issues related to communication and role-boundary-follow-up breakdowns. Just as I was about to introduce this problem-solving exercise, “The Logical Lotus” asked if we could begin addressing communication and coordination issues specific to the group. Clearly, the managers and I were converging towards the same spontaneous-structured agenda page. And my subsequent role transition from workshop leader to group process observer-participant, actually sharing the facilitator role and once again following the group’s lead, seemed to be critical to our evolving success as a working partnership. Consider these illustrative testimonials:

U.S. Department of Commerce | International Trade Administration
[One-day Management Retreat/team building workshop/facilitation for 15 Information Technology Division Managers, Glen Allen, VA]

July 12, 2011

Thanks Mark. I too appreciated the way you let us run with our own issues during the second half of our session, and agree with you that between the two of us, we helped the group produce some useful outcomes.

The challenge now is follow up. Haha!

I’ve got a return engagement for you on our list of follow-up actions, so I’m hoping it will not be too far in the future. It sounded like the fall would be a realistic time.

Thanks for your contribution to our team in the two sessions we have had with you. It has been fun and productive.

Rod Smart
Director, IT Policy and Coordination
Office of the CIO
U.S. Department of Commerce | International Trade Administration
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July 8, 2011

Hello Mark,

Thank you for bending your program backwards to help us applying your approach to our daily problems. I think we understood better and learned more solid both our problems and your approach. Your facilitation pushed us to think, take actions, and be accountable for result.

Thank you for including me in your newsletter list. I’m looking forward to learning more your wisdom and approach.

Thanks,

Haiping Lou
[Editor’s note: “The Logical Lotus”]
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Closing Summary

Two vignettes unexpectedly reveal the staying power of group exercises as well as their impact on organizational culture. The discoveries were illustrated by chance and planned encounters which enabled reflecting on past experience as well as understanding and going with the group process flow. Key factors include: a) interactive and imaginative exercises that allow for participants to poke playful fun, b) sharing and creative interplay strengthening a sense of camaraderie and community, and c) the leader or facilitator recognizing the meaning of the interchange while acknowledging and following the group’s pain and passion, energy and ideas. Word’s to cultivate a collaborative culture and to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.