Dynamics of a “Passion Power” Partnership”:
Enduring the Crucible, Cleaning the
Wound, Forging New Ground
I was the fearful, confused, angry
bronco determined to throw him off. He
was the steadfast rider, holding the reins tight, yet allowing enough slack for
me to snort, kick, and buck. Never was
there a sensation of being choked.
Still, there were a few times I came close to bolting. And, as he explained later, he too wondered
if I would ever let him again be my mount.
And the present day drama brought me
back to a childhood trauma…when I was the scared little rider. And alas, my father was not able to hold onto
the reins. Actually, it was the seat of
a bike. Maybe I was five or six, and dad
was trying to teach me how to ride.
Though it was the early ‘50s, perhaps “The Great Depression” (as well as
my dad’s major – perhaps manic – depression) played a role in the fiasco. Knowing dad and his fairly impoverished
childhood, especially after his father left the roost, he probably bought a
bike that was too big, figuring the bike would last longer. Alas, a tipping point obstacle for an anxious
kid. While most of the brain-body memory
is repressed, I was not able to learn to ride the bike.
The
Remains of that Day
Likely, dad was frustrated with me as
well as with himself. And we both felt
like failures, him as a father-teacher, and me as son-learner. I have no recollection of our ever having
another riding lesson, nor of our ever talking about this experience – as a
child or an adult. It would take nearly
twenty years (and both of us being in therapy) before beginning to bridge our widespread
communication chasm.
The only indelible “bike” imprint was
the ongoing “silent shame” watching other kids riding their bikes, taking off
from the apartment building on some individual or group adventure. Not only was a feeling of inadequacy
reinforced but so too was lost opportunity for reducing separation anxiety,
heightening sense of mastery, as well as independent exploration. I still carry these painful memories, brain
baggage that never totally empties. Even
today, upon hearing adults talk of a relatively carefree childhood or a
capacity for early joyful learning, my eyes may suddenly water; my mood, for a
time, turns perceptibly somber.
Post-script:
About six years post-learning curb failure, one day I saw a six-year old
riding a small two-wheeler. I briefly commandeered
the bike…wobbling and falling, but also persisting. About an hour later, I had become a “rough
rider.” Alas, the feeling was more
relief than real accomplishment. I never
mentioned this “N of one trial” to anyone.
I never asked for a “three speed”; sadly, I never became real buddies
with a bike.
Back
to the Daunting Digital Future
So what’s the connection between the
metaphoric horse-riding (in the present) and the bike-riding scenarios (from
the past, though still emotionally alive and kicking me today)? Let me provide some background. I am in the process of publishing an e-book
titled, Preserving Human Touch in a High
Tech World. The path is strewn with
visible and covert IEDs – Infrastructural
Electronic Dangers – especially for a sixty-something, “Internet Immigrant”
like myself. When it comes to most
digital technology, I may not be a “dinosaur” but “early stage mammal” label
would be apt.
Having to work with and, especially, be
dependent on other individuals – a college-age graphic artist (who did not know
how to format an e-book cover) and a professional e-book formatter, who doesn’t
talk to clients on the phone – definitely had me quite edgy, if not on the
emotional edge. In the mental grind to
the publishing finish line, if not for my good friend E, a truly compassionate
and, when necessary, “tough love” spiritual brother, I would not have made it.
“E”
is for Exceptional
First and foremost, E is the
personification of an individual who integrates both “High Tech and Human
Touch.” Almost twenty years my junior,
he’s a graduate of Johns Hopkins Medical School who decided not to practice
medicine. A Renaissance individual who
both loves to write and to explore the intricate architecture of the digital
world. E works for Medicare and consults
on writing and web design with various contracting agencies. And he’s a devoted father who continues to
grapple with the contemporary challenges of balancing work, marital and family
life, along with a passion for writing. (E has a popular blog and is awaiting his soon
to be published novel).
Some additional background info: E and I have known each other for the last
three years or so. But it was this past year that solidified our
psycho-spiritual bond. For example, E vividly
captured growing up in an insular ("de facto" segregated or exclusive,
depending on one’s socio-economic point of view) hardscrabble, working class
African-American community in Michigan.
Mostly raised by a controlling single mother, his upbringing was steeped
in spirituality. He is in a bi-racial
marriage. (My roots are working-middle
class, Jewish, and Brooklyn-Queens, attended Stuyvesant H.S. in Manhattan;
alas, a family tree strewn with serious psychiatric labels and breakdowns. I was a late bloomer. I’d say my religious-cultural affiliation is
Jewish Atheist. Also, never married.) Significant emotional pain is a common
childhood thread uniting our past and present day sensibilities.
This last year, we both really opened
up. Some of his “life at home and on the
street” tales evoked both wonder and tears.
In turn, E lent a head, heart, and shoulder, helping me grieve the loss
of a beloved three-year old – collateral damage in the dissolution of a ten-year
relationship with my ex. Once again, turning
the mirror, E says he is inspired by my uncommon ability to paint with words,
to capture what’s in my heart and portray it on the page. (A former girlfriend once dubbed me a “word
artist.”) So words, water, and mutual
wonder have cast a web in which E and I both are inextricably – intimately, inseparably,
and most gratefully – bound!
Trial
by Fire
With the above narrative in mind, let me
refocus this essay’s opening – horse and rider – partnership paragraph in a
more representational light. Not being
able to meet at our common hangout, Mad City Coffeehouse, over the phone E was
trying to get me to see my manuscript in the “Bazaar Book Reader” (BBR) platform. (To my way of thinking/reading, “Bizarre”
could also work.) First, I couldn’t
recall my Microsoft password. Then, the
platform was not accessible without passing a letter-number security code. And I kept failing, as the design was
complexly intricate for a primitive brain.
E asked me to take a picture of the code and send it to him. Somewhat ashamed, I had to admit never using
the camera. So suddenly I’m engulfed in
a learning curve/trial by fire scenario.
And the communication phone friction is mostly turning the rising heat
into a growing conflagration!
Admittedly, the frustration and friction is one-sided. My blood pressure is rising. (Stress
Doc heal thyself!)
With patient coaching, I finally figure
out how to shoot and send. We eventually
get on Bazaar Book Reader after E inadvertently triggers an awareness of my
Microsoft Password. Of course, an inner
voice is berating me for floundering and wasting a half-hour of our time. Again and again, E keeps saying we have
plenty of time. With all the angst-ringing in my ears, it’s hard to hear (or believe) him.
Finally, opening the e-book (for me,
nothing is “plug and play”)…I start making sense – through fits and starts – of
the BBR “App command,” that is, how you navigate the pages, Table of Contents,
text size and spacing, etc., of the book.
As noted, several times I blurted out my frustration, questioning the
workability of this virtual tech support.
A digital learning curve is challenging enough; trying to play follow the
leader on the phone…I’m just about ready to quit….but I don’t! As General
George Patton noted: Courage is fear holding on a minute longer! (So maybe I’m a tad hypocritical. This quote was delivered to my inbox
this morning.)
Purpose,
Patience, and Persistence: The Dynamics
of Passionate Partnership
In truth, it was our partnership that
kept me in the cyber-corral, not just bucking and running from atavistic instincts. E had a goal and an understanding: to do meaningful editing for the formatter, it
was critical my viewing the e-book’s text in an e-reader format. Beyond having to jump in the trenches, my
main driver: I was so appreciative of his
time and energy…guilt kept me from aborting our mission. And, in fact, we discovered a vital
operational structure that needed reformatting – hyperlinking poem titles in a
back of the book Index with the corresponding poems in the body of the book. Because of today’s Tower of E-Book Babel zeitgeist, with its chaotic variety of
reading platforms, my expectation to index items to page numbers was about as
realistic as having a uniformed-sized cup for only one coffee blend option at
Starbucks!
After over an hour of this grappling, we
reached another tension-filled juncture; trying to problem-solve on the phone
was again proving maddening. I had
enough…and this time E did not coax, console, or challenge. Being on the same screen, having achieved the
essentials of the mission…we would live
to fight another day!
In fact, E later admitted the charged
nature of our working/learning encounter had him somewhat concerned: in the future, would I want to partner,
really to follow his e-design and e-marketing leads? Believe me, this is a no-brainer! However, it was a
post-riding-the-bronco-session message that enabled me to fully appreciate the
gift that E had bestowed. His text
read: “Learning is rewarding but rewards are often an acknowledgement of
hardship. It seems we have to go through
something to get something. You were a
trooper and challenged yourself to step out of your comfort zone. I recognized that it was a bit distressing,
but you endured. I am very proud of
you.”
The
Power of Partnership: Present, Past, and
Future
I immediately understood why E is such a
good father, for in some ways he had taken on that symbolic role with one who,
under duress, had situationally regressed to a pre-adolescent, mechanically-technically
challenged Baby Boomer. His determination
to not let my anger, fear, and shame throw him off course was part of his
script. This was one-hundred-and-eighty
degrees in contradistinction to the dysfunctional transaction between my dad
and me. What exactly had E given
me? Let me count the ways…“The Top
Ten Partnership Steps for Enduring
the Crucible, Cleaning the Wound, Forging New Ground”:
1. Trusting in E.
Though feeling vulnerable, I was able to put my head and heart into E’s
confident hands as a techie, teacher, and soulful brother. As affirmed in 12-Step work, I recognized the
critical need to be vulnerable and place my trust and faith in a “higher
power,” albeit the human variety. I
began to grasp the difference between feeling absolutely powerless without
feeling totally helpless!
2. Stepping off the Edge. With
a truly knowledgeable and trusted guide, I entered the digital labyrinth,
despite not sure what challenges would be encountered along the unfolding,
invariably unpredictable, “gotcha” path.
Or, to return to our operational metaphor, I warily got back into the
horse/bike seat saddle.
3. Fighting the Voices.
E’s calm and solid manner along with his patience was helping me to
fight the voices in my head, and the emotional echoes: my father’s short fuse frustration at things not
going as expected, my feelings of inadequacy in realms mathematical,
mechanical, and technological along with movement and balance activities.
4. Confronting the Abandonment Fear. With
my drive to get the e-book “live” on Amazon (the moment is so right) and E’s
busy schedule, there was some time urgency.
However, whatever transpired, this would not be a one shot learning
trial. E was not going to abandon me
and, perhaps most important, he was subtly encouraging me not to quit on
myself.
5. Accepting My Fear and Frustration. My
agitated-aggressive reaction may have self-defeating elements in other spheres
of life, but on this e-book partnership journey, it was not going to have
destructive effects. In this realm, at
least, E had a mature handle on his own self-doubt and aggression. I was not triggering him as that poignant
early learning encounter had thrown my father.
6. Taking Steps. With
E as ballast and buffer, leaning on his poise and patience, tentative learning
steps became small but meaningful mental and moral victories. (In fact, the next time we met f-2-f, I
couldn’t help smiling: I was now more facile than E in using the
Bazaar Book Reader “App command.”)
7. Embracing the Intimate FOE.
Perhaps less in the maelstrom moment, but in the aftermath of my “trial
by fire,” a realization dawned: I may have been singed…but I was not burned
or scarred. And even the pain of
childhood memories seemed less acute.
Perhaps not quite on the scale of Jacob and God but, in my own fashion I
had wrestled, to at least a draw – perhaps a bit more – with my Intimate
FOE: Fear
of Exposure!
8. Cleaning Some Wounds…Launching Some Words. The
saddle/bike seat experience was helping clean out the decades-old insult and
injury from the original, unsuccessful, father son trial-by-failure. No illusions of absolute purity: progress
not perfection is the goal! Of
course, there definitely are other deep pockets of pain to engage and explore…and to “harness and ride” as creative
expression!
9. Debriefing Power. A
couple of days later, we had an “f-2-f” book strategy meeting. In contrast to the aftermath wall of silence
between father and son, for the first 90 minutes of our debriefing, E and I
talked out how each emotionally perceived our encounter. As much as I appreciate him as technical
guide providing critical water and helping carry me by the arm as I painfully stumble
through both that digital jungle and the alien kaleidoscopic media mindscape,
it’s our ability to wax purposefully poetic and passionate, to be enthralled
with each other’s substance and style of expression, no matter the subject (okay,
the animation is mutual when it’s mostly non-technical) that, for me, is the
greatest blessing.
10. Building on Trial & Trust. All
of the above increases that feeling of trust in E and our mind-body-spirit
simpatico. And this essay is one way of
sharing my heartfelt appreciation. Our
friendship and partnership too is akin to entering the labyrinth: Who
knows what we will endure, what wounds we will help each other cleanse and,
together, what new ground we will forge.
Closing
Quotation
I can’t think of a better close than the
medical pioneer, Dr. Jonas Salk’s, observation on “Evolution”: Evolution
is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more
time than you are fearful; and being trusting just one more time than you are
anxious. Amen and women to that!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW,
"The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer,
and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience
and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health
& Wellness Initiative. A former Stress and Violence Prevention
Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress
Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army. The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World. Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online
"HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a
"workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info, email: stressdoc@aol.com.
