Dynamics of a “Passion Power” Partnership”: Enduring the Crucible, Cleaning the Wound, Forging New Ground

Dynamics of a “Passion Power” Partnership”:

Enduring the Crucible, Cleaning the Wound, Forging New Ground

I was the fearful, confused, angry bronco determined to throw him off.  He was the steadfast rider, holding the reins tight, yet allowing enough slack for me to snort, kick, and buck.  Never was there a sensation of being choked.  Still, there were a few times I came close to bolting.  And, as he explained later, he too wondered if I would ever let him again be my mount.

And the present day drama brought me back to a childhood trauma…when I was the scared little rider.  And alas, my father was not able to hold onto the reins.  Actually, it was the seat of a bike.  Maybe I was five or six, and dad was trying to teach me how to ride.  Though it was the early ‘50s, perhaps “The Great Depression” (as well as my dad’s major – perhaps manic – depression) played a role in the fiasco.  Knowing dad and his fairly impoverished childhood, especially after his father left the roost, he probably bought a bike that was too big, figuring the bike would last longer.  Alas, a tipping point obstacle for an anxious kid.  While most of the brain-body memory is repressed, I was not able to learn to ride the bike.

The Remains of that Day

Likely, dad was frustrated with me as well as with himself.  And we both felt like failures, him as a father-teacher, and me as son-learner.  I have no recollection of our ever having another riding lesson, nor of our ever talking about this experience – as a child or an adult.  It would take nearly twenty years (and both of us being in therapy) before beginning to bridge our widespread communication chasm.

The only indelible “bike” imprint was the ongoing “silent shame” watching other kids riding their bikes, taking off from the apartment building on some individual or group adventure.  Not only was a feeling of inadequacy reinforced but so too was lost opportunity for reducing separation anxiety, heightening sense of mastery, as well as independent exploration.  I still carry these painful memories, brain baggage that never totally empties.  Even today, upon hearing adults talk of a relatively carefree childhood or a capacity for early joyful learning, my eyes may suddenly water; my mood, for a time, turns perceptibly somber.

Post-script:  About six years post-learning curb failure, one day I saw a six-year old riding a small two-wheeler.  I briefly commandeered the bike…wobbling and falling, but also persisting.  About an hour later, I had become a “rough rider.”  Alas, the feeling was more relief than real accomplishment.  I never mentioned this “N of one trial” to anyone.  I never asked for a “three speed”; sadly, I never became real buddies with a bike.

Back to the Daunting Digital Future

So what’s the connection between the metaphoric horse-riding (in the present) and the bike-riding scenarios (from the past, though still emotionally alive and kicking me today)?  Let me provide some background.  I am in the process of publishing an e-book titled, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  The path is strewn with visible and covert IEDs – Infrastructural Electronic Dangers – especially for a sixty-something, “Internet Immigrant” like myself.  When it comes to most digital technology, I may not be a “dinosaur” but “early stage mammal” label would be apt.

Having to work with and, especially, be dependent on other individuals – a college-age graphic artist (who did not know how to format an e-book cover) and a professional e-book formatter, who doesn’t talk to clients on the phone – definitely had me quite edgy, if not on the emotional edge.  In the mental grind to the publishing finish line, if not for my good friend E, a truly compassionate and, when necessary, “tough love” spiritual brother, I would not have made it.

“E” is for Exceptional

First and foremost, E is the personification of an individual who integrates both “High Tech and Human Touch.”  Almost twenty years my junior, he’s a graduate of Johns Hopkins Medical School who decided not to practice medicine.  A Renaissance individual who both loves to write and to explore the intricate architecture of the digital world.  E works for Medicare and consults on writing and web design with various contracting agencies.  And he’s a devoted father who continues to grapple with the contemporary challenges of balancing work, marital and family life, along with a passion for writing.  (E has a popular blog and is awaiting his soon to be published novel).

Some additional background info:  E and I have known each other for the last three years or so. But it was this past year that solidified our psycho-spiritual bond.  For example, E vividly captured growing up in an insular ("de facto" segregated or exclusive, depending on one’s socio-economic point of view) hardscrabble, working class African-American community in Michigan.  Mostly raised by a controlling single mother, his upbringing was steeped in spirituality.  He is in a bi-racial marriage.  (My roots are working-middle class, Jewish, and Brooklyn-Queens, attended Stuyvesant H.S. in Manhattan; alas, a family tree strewn with serious psychiatric labels and breakdowns. I was a late bloomer.  I’d say my religious-cultural affiliation is Jewish Atheist.  Also, never married.)  Significant emotional pain is a common childhood thread uniting our past and present day sensibilities.

This last year, we both really opened up.  Some of his “life at home and on the street” tales evoked both wonder and tears.  In turn, E lent a head, heart, and shoulder, helping me grieve the loss of a beloved three-year old – collateral damage in the dissolution of a ten-year relationship with my ex.  Once again, turning the mirror, E says he is inspired by my uncommon ability to paint with words, to capture what’s in my heart and portray it on the page.  (A former girlfriend once dubbed me a “word artist.”)  So words, water, and mutual wonder have cast a web in which E and I both are inextricably – intimately, inseparably, and most gratefully – bound!

Trial by Fire

With the above narrative in mind, let me refocus this essay’s opening – horse and rider – partnership paragraph in a more representational light.  Not being able to meet at our common hangout, Mad City Coffeehouse, over the phone E was trying to get me to see my manuscript in the “Bazaar Book Reader” (BBR) platform.  (To my way of thinking/reading, “Bizarre” could also work.)  First, I couldn’t recall my Microsoft password.  Then, the platform was not accessible without passing a letter-number security code.  And I kept failing, as the design was complexly intricate for a primitive brain.  E asked me to take a picture of the code and send it to him.  Somewhat ashamed, I had to admit never using the camera.  So suddenly I’m engulfed in a learning curve/trial by fire scenario.  And the communication phone friction is mostly turning the rising heat into a growing conflagration!  Admittedly, the frustration and friction is one-sided.  My blood pressure is rising.  (Stress Doc heal thyself!)

With patient coaching, I finally figure out how to shoot and send.  We eventually get on Bazaar Book Reader after E inadvertently triggers an awareness of my Microsoft Password.  Of course, an inner voice is berating me for floundering and wasting a half-hour of our time.  Again and again, E keeps saying we have plenty of time.  With all the angst-ringing in my ears, it’s hard to hear (or believe) him.

Finally, opening the e-book (for me, nothing is “plug and play”)…I start making sense – through fits and starts – of the BBR “App command,” that is, how you navigate the pages, Table of Contents, text size and spacing, etc., of the book.  As noted, several times I blurted out my frustration, questioning the workability of this virtual tech support.  A digital learning curve is challenging enough; trying to play follow the leader on the phone…I’m just about ready to quit….but I don’t!  As General George Patton noted:  Courage is fear holding on a minute longer!  (So maybe I’m a tad hypocritical.  This quote was delivered to my inbox this morning.)

Purpose, Patience, and Persistence:  The Dynamics of Passionate Partnership

In truth, it was our partnership that kept me in the cyber-corral, not just bucking and running from atavistic instincts.  E had a goal and an understanding:  to do meaningful editing for the formatter, it was critical my viewing the e-book’s text in an e-reader format.  Beyond having to jump in the trenches, my main driver:  I was so appreciative of his time and energy…guilt kept me from aborting our mission.  And, in fact, we discovered a vital operational structure that needed reformatting – hyperlinking poem titles in a back of the book Index with the corresponding poems in the body of the book.  Because of today’s Tower of E-Book Babel zeitgeist, with its chaotic variety of reading platforms, my expectation to index items to page numbers was about as realistic as having a uniformed-sized cup for only one coffee blend option at Starbucks!

After over an hour of this grappling, we reached another tension-filled juncture; trying to problem-solve on the phone was again proving maddening.  I had enough…and this time E did not coax, console, or challenge.  Being on the same screen, having achieved the essentials of the mission…we would live to fight another day!

In fact, E later admitted the charged nature of our working/learning encounter had him somewhat concerned:  in the future, would I want to partner, really to follow his e-design and e-marketing leads?  Believe me, this is a no-brainer!  However, it was a post-riding-the-bronco-session message that enabled me to fully appreciate the gift that E had bestowed.  His text read:  “Learning is rewarding but rewards are often an acknowledgement of hardship.  It seems we have to go through something to get something.  You were a trooper and challenged yourself to step out of your comfort zone.  I recognized that it was a bit distressing, but you endured.  I am very proud of you.”

The Power of Partnership:  Present, Past, and Future

I immediately understood why E is such a good father, for in some ways he had taken on that symbolic role with one who, under duress, had situationally regressed to a pre-adolescent, mechanically-technically challenged Baby Boomer.  His determination to not let my anger, fear, and shame throw him off course was part of his script.  This was one-hundred-and-eighty degrees in contradistinction to the dysfunctional transaction between my dad and me.  What exactly had E given me?  Let me count the ways…“The Top Ten Partnership Steps for Enduring the Crucible, Cleaning the Wound, Forging New Ground”:

1.  Trusting in E.  Though feeling vulnerable, I was able to put my head and heart into E’s confident hands as a techie, teacher, and soulful brother.  As affirmed in 12-Step work, I recognized the critical need to be vulnerable and place my trust and faith in a “higher power,” albeit the human variety.  I began to grasp the difference between feeling absolutely powerless without feeling totally helpless!

2.  Stepping off the Edge.  With a truly knowledgeable and trusted guide, I entered the digital labyrinth, despite not sure what challenges would be encountered along the unfolding, invariably unpredictable, “gotcha” path.  Or, to return to our operational metaphor, I warily got back into the horse/bike seat saddle.

3.  Fighting the Voices.  E’s calm and solid manner along with his patience was helping me to fight the voices in my head, and the emotional echoes:  my father’s short fuse frustration at things not going as expected, my feelings of inadequacy in realms mathematical, mechanical, and technological along with movement and balance activities. 

4.  Confronting the Abandonment Fear.  With my drive to get the e-book “live” on Amazon (the moment is so right) and E’s busy schedule, there was some time urgency.  However, whatever transpired, this would not be a one shot learning trial.   E was not going to abandon me and, perhaps most important, he was subtly encouraging me not to quit on myself. 

5.  Accepting My Fear and Frustration.  My agitated-aggressive reaction may have self-defeating elements in other spheres of life, but on this e-book partnership journey, it was not going to have destructive effects.  In this realm, at least, E had a mature handle on his own self-doubt and aggression.  I was not triggering him as that poignant early learning encounter had thrown my father.  

6.  Taking Steps.    With E as ballast and buffer, leaning on his poise and patience, tentative learning steps became small but meaningful mental and moral victories.  (In fact, the next time we met f-2-f, I couldn’t help smiling:  I was now more facile than E in using the Bazaar Book Reader “App command.”)

7.  Embracing the Intimate FOE.  Perhaps less in the maelstrom moment, but in the aftermath of my “trial by fire,” a realization dawned:  I may have been singed…but I was not burned or scarred.  And even the pain of childhood memories seemed less acute.  Perhaps not quite on the scale of Jacob and God but, in my own fashion I had wrestled, to at least a draw – perhaps a bit more – with my Intimate FOE:  Fear of Exposure!

8.  Cleaning Some Wounds…Launching Some Words.  The saddle/bike seat experience was helping clean out the decades-old insult and injury from the original, unsuccessful, father son trial-by-failure.  No illusions of absolute purity:  progress not perfection is the goal!  Of course, there definitely are other deep pockets of pain to engage and explore…and to “harness and ride” as creative expression!

9.  Debriefing Power.  A couple of days later, we had an “f-2-f” book strategy meeting.  In contrast to the aftermath wall of silence between father and son, for the first 90 minutes of our debriefing, E and I talked out how each emotionally perceived our encounter.  As much as I appreciate him as technical guide providing critical water and helping carry me by the arm as I painfully stumble through both that digital jungle and the alien kaleidoscopic media mindscape, it’s our ability to wax purposefully poetic and passionate, to be enthralled with each other’s substance and style of expression, no matter the subject (okay, the animation is mutual when it’s mostly non-technical) that, for me, is the greatest blessing.

10.  Building on Trial & Trust.  All of the above increases that feeling of trust in E and our mind-body-spirit simpatico.  And this essay is one way of sharing my heartfelt appreciation.  Our friendship and partnership too is akin to entering the labyrinth:  Who knows what we will endure, what wounds we will help each other cleanse and, together, what new ground we will forge.

Closing Quotation

I can’t think of a better close than the medical pioneer, Dr. Jonas Salk’s, observation on “Evolution”:  Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than you are fearful; and being trusting just one more time than you are anxious.  Amen and women to that!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Jump-Starting Individual and Team "Consciousness-Communication-Creativity-Community": The IC2 Model and Method

Recently I led a one-day team building retreat for two city government divisions.  This is the fourth or fifth time I have led retreats or workshops over the past five years for these divisions.  As evidenced by the first two testimonials, once again, all had a rich and fun learning-sharing experience.  However, perhaps most important, there were follow-up strategic steps, for both preserving the spirit of the retreat and for tangibly building upon its foundation.  (See the third, June 2nd, testimonial.)

Community Services-Wells Robertson, Gaithersburg, MD City Govt; "Teaming, Timing, and Unleashing Our Talent:  A Stress and Team Resilience Retreat," 1-day


May 28, 2015

Thank you Mark for a wonderful presentation on Friday.  Your knowledge and energy were inspiring and the day was a lot of fun too!   I really appreciate your ability to engage everyone in the room in an enjoyable and productive way.

We enjoy working with you and appreciate your flexibility and friendship.

Take care and hope to work with you again soon.

Maureen Herndon
Division Manager
Community Services
City of Gaithersburg
301-258-6395 ex 1
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Mark I concur. I have not heard anything but good feedback about the retreat, although I am not the least bit surprised. You are a 10 good buddy!

Jimmy Frazier-Bey
Division Manager of Homeless Services
City of Gaithersburg

(301) 258-6398 (Main line)

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June 2, 2015

Hi Mark,

It was nice meeting you too. It seems the team definitely had a good gathering and came away with some fresh ideas and desire to bring about change for both staff and the people we serve. We were discussing the retreat in staff meetings yesterday.

Although it has been a few years since I have worked there, I think the Montgomery County Coalition for the Homeless could definitely benefit from your services. I am not sure who the point of contact would be but I am sure it can be found on their web site www.mcch.net. 

Everyone here at Wells/Robertson and Community Services has been incredibly welcoming. It was especially nice to end my first week at the retreat. Hearing staff voice their issues and also being able to see the way staff interact with each other has been helpful for me to get to know the team. 

Thank you and take care,

Lee

ljansky@gaithersburgmd.gov

Intake Supervisor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Setting and "C"-ing the Learning-Sharing Ambiance

I suspect the "Get FIT" -- FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking --  individual and group learning-sharing framework, tone, and energy of the one-day program was established within the first hour.  Key start-up components included:

a) summarizing the previous retreat's compelling "communicating with authority" opening group exercise; in addition to refreshing memories, there were several new employees attending the present retreat

b) my sharing a newfound appreciation for the dynamics and value of "interdependency" based on a first time experience speaking and interacting with a distinctly diverse cultural group

c) another unprecedented learning experience:  reflecting on a very recent "live in" coaching opportunity with a long-time friend grappling with major depression; one outcome:  a better understanding of the essence of building a healing partnership

d) an opening exercise that asked small groups to engage in "individual reflection before collective brainstorm" to generate varying definitions of team; this helped illuminate the concept of "synergy" and facilitated pinpointing two concrete arteries for "head and heart" team development

e) generating a synthesis of "Consciousness" and "Communication" as well as "Creativity" and "Community" for strengthening resilience and collaboration.

As I reflect upon this list, to be illustrated momentarily, two aptitudes crystallize critical to shaping the retreat learning objectives along with its "Get FIT" structure and rhythm, substance and style: a capacity for stress- and team-resilience consciousness and a capacity for give-and-take communication.

But let's not stop at these two "C"s.  Another overall facilitating if not philosophical agent is my personal IC² mantra about teaming.  Basically, I challenge the old saw:  "There's no 'I" in team."  While on its face discouraging self-centered egotism, for me, this group gospel can too easily morph into suppressing self-integrity and encouraging blind loyalty.  There's potential for an anti-diversity if not an Orwellian sense of group-speak homogeneity.  Reminds me of the Stress Doc's "Law of the Loyalty Loop & Lock":  Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer!  And as we'll see shortly, forever holding up any (at least human) authority or guiding principle on a rigid or unquestioned pedestal, may well invite serious trouble.  So here's my challenging proposition:

While there may be no "I" in team...There are two "I"s in WINNING.  And these "I"s can "C":

Winning teams blend Individual Creativity and Interactive Community!

Illuminating the Foundational Five

To truly capture some of the purposeful and passionate, individual and interactive IC² atmosphere, let me briefly describe and analyze the initial five learning and sharing concepts and activities of the retreat.  In particular, notice my attempt to encourage a "Four 'C'-ing" process:  cultivating "Consciousness" and "Communication" along with "Creativity" and "Community."

1.  Communicating with Authority Study.  The previous retreat opened with a commercial case history outlined by Malcolm Gladwell in his best-selling book, Outliers.  In the 1980s, the Korean and Columbian Airlines were experiencing an inordinately large number of fatal accidents, way above the industrial  average.  After technological problems were ruled out, a cultural connection was discovered.  The critical factor it turns out was who was flying the plane -- the senior or junior pilot.  (The retreat exercise involved small groups deciding who was flying the plane at the time of the fatal accident and why was this significant for solving the safety dilemma.)  Challenging the obvious, the senior pilot was steering the craft.  And the lethal flaw:  these cultures venerated seniority and authority.  Upon sensing early signs of danger, the junior pilot hesitated instead of immediately issuing a strong warning.  And if he did finally call out, it was often too late:  out of the clouds...a side of a mountain!  The safety monitors discovered that the navigator was restrained by such dysfunctional-cultural beliefs as:  a) he would come across as being disrespectful, b) the older, more experienced pilot must know what he's doing, and/or c) it wasn't his role to correct or criticize his elder partner (if in the unlikely sense the less senior pilot identified himself as a partner; nor in this status-conscious culture was he likely recognized as such).  And the hypothetical proof was in the performance pudding:  as cited by Gladwell, at least for the Korean Airlines, once trained in Western assertiveness skills, lethal accidents plummeted and the airline's safety record matched the industry's statistical standard.

Not surprisingly, once again the retreat message was loud and clear:  how do we create an atmosphere where everyone on the team or in a division feels free to speak their mind, to dissent or disagree (hopefully, without being all-knowingly or condescendingly disagreeable) and, certainly, to express a different viewpoint with all levels of authority?  And surely this study addresses issues spanning our generational-digital divide.  (Or as I once penned, Don't be afraid to pet the dinosaur!)

Of course, acknowledgement does not necessarily mean agreement, but individuals wish to know they've had an honest hearing.  A passive colleague, the absence of timely feedback and open discussion invites error and serious disruption.  And will surely impede or erode any sense of trust.  Clearly there's a price to pay if and when an organization's culture (akin to a nation's) places the idea of authority, conventional wisdom, or guiding principle on a rigid, unquestioned, and soundproof pedestal.

2.  Dynamics and Value of Integrity and Interdependency, Humor and Courage.  Building on the importance of open and reciprocal communication, I shared a powerfully moving experience that occurred this past fall working with the Texas State Govt Division of Blind Services.  About a third of the 120 attendees were blind or near-blind employees.  I’ve not previously had such an immersion experience in this distinct culture.  Three eye- and mind-opening experiences stood out in the realm of interpersonal communication and trust-building.  (And yes, the word "eye-opening" was a conscious choice.):

a) how a blind woman quickly sensed my "fish out of water" discomfort in a casual social situation and encouraged me to be myself and just speak up.  “Don’t be afraid to use words like ‘see’ or ‘blind.’  Speak as you normally would…and if you’re not sure about something, ask questions.”  Her insight and guidance definitely helped break the ice and relaxed my mind.

b) the use of playful aggression or teasing in all manner of relations, but especially between the blind person and his or her sited guide.  This good-natured "in your face" interaction helps place these individuals on a more equal verbal footing despite visible differences (actually, maybe because of them).  Such bantering blurs physical and status disparities, and both parties are able to better appreciate and realize the value of a back-and-forth emotional partnership.

Humor is also used with non-sighted or limited-sight peers, for example, frequently reminding one another to “watch where you poke that guide stick.”  And the sighted don't escape their observational powers and clever tongue:  when walking with their guide stick on a crowded street, most people nervously and quickly step aside or scatter as if the oncoming tapping was a fire engine blasting its horn…or the non- or limited-sighted individual becomes a Moses parting the Red Sea!  Clearly, these men and women have done some “head work, heart work, and homework” to achieve this level of comfort in their own skin.  (A few days after the conference, I shared my cultural experience with a former Army First Sergeant who certainly had seen his share of battlefield casualties.  His immediate response:  “They owned their disability!”)

Actually, these folks use of self-effacing humor reminds me of a wonderful quote from Ernst Kris, psychiatrist as well as student of Freudian psychology and humor:  What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at.  And as the Stress Doc inverted:  What was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!  Humor as a tool for affirming integrity and facilitating social parity.

c) the final "Blind Services" learning lab proved to be a madcap/multi-GPS car ride to a BBQ restaurant; it truly was worthy of a scene from a Marx Brothers movie.  Carol, the driver of the car and I were up front, while Anne (my original mentor) and Billy, a sharp-witted gentleman in his fifties with a refined Southern drawl, were talking up a storm in the back.  The madness reached its peak when we appeared to be lost.  Carol asked me to check her Smart Phone’s directional GPS, while Anne and Billy were doing the same with their audio GPS systems.  People are calling out wildly different route options.  While I was fumbling around with Carol’s phone, not making much headway, and knowing how far I am from a technology maven, a thought suddenly arose:  What we have here is the technically blind leading the blind!  Alas, I was unable to spontaneously voice this… However, the next morning, during my opening keynote remarks, I shared our road trip story, including my self-conscious/self-censored quote.  The audience’s laughter was palpable.  Finally, I thanked one and all, especially Anne, for:  a) being so welcoming and encouraging me to find my genuine voice, b) awakening me to the integrity and richness of the blind and sight-impaired community and c) helping me better appreciate the array of personalities and communication styles therein.

3.  Live-In Coaching and a Healing Partnership.  The third leg of my relationship-building platform

involved an individual grappling with a non-visible, often silent disability.  I briefly reflected on my recent "live-in" experience helping a long-time friend struggling with major depression.  And as previously noted, "Consciousness" and "Communication" are vital components for building a bridge between individual resilience and intimate collaboration.

a. Doing Honest Self-Inventory...Leading to Synergy -- assess individual and team strengths and vulnerabilities for "high task and human touch" intervention.  To have depth and breadth, a resilience inventory takes both personal courage and interpersonal feedback.  This necessary first step helps differentiate the ideal or illusion from the real or achievable.  Can we bravely look into the gap between the theoretical and the actual, between ability and disability, between future possibility and present, down to earth, "what we can realistically achieve right now" perspective?  And might we grapple with assessment anger or angst without feeling so diminished, despairing, enraged, helpless, or bereft...or seek appropriate support if engulfed by the latter?  ((For example, my depressed friend seemed to cycle between holding on to a miracle cure (though his meds were not producing the once achieved rebound effect) to despairing of ever being his old self.  Not fully owning his current disability hampered motivation to discover small but meaningful rehab and recovery steps at his design or disposal.))

More pivotal questions:  has something significant changed within our person or situation that is effecting our ability to manage, adapt to, or engage with our bio-psychosocial ecology?  To what extent have we contributed to meaningful gaps and shifts?  Can we use both heart and head to authentically examine the breach, to contemplate a new trial and error learning curve?  If so, then a shortcoming or blunder is not an omen of shame or failure. It's more a transitional space for skill-building or adding needed resources, for creatively and courageously exploring an uncertain or troublesome psychic or physical territory; for discovering whether you can reduce a learning gap; perhaps it's time to venture into a new arena.  However, a capacity for "letting go" is critical; not necessarily forsaking dreams and goals but accepting that there may be a fluid mix between disappointment and excitement.  Being at a loss often means meandering anxiously or grappling with momentary defeat.  Still, wandering in the desert is a time-honored way of stumbling upon a subterranean spring; but especially of uncovering one's own hidden oases.  This "dark night of the soul" is often an uncertain if not agonizing interlude, a prerequisite for illumination if not rebounding; a period of incubation for designing or discovering a fresh, even unchartered perspective, pathway, and plan of attack.

And by definition, a team retreat is a time and space to step back and reassess; an uncommon opportunity for personal and collaborative reflection if not group imagination and innovation.  For me a retreat is synonymous with synergy:  not only does this blank canvas with its free-flowing communicational space spur "a whole greater than the sum of its parts" but, even more magical...in a true sharing-learning lab parts have the potential to become vital partners!

b. Designing Structure and Sharing -- generate operational structure that establishes a purposeful goal, facilitates control while also allowing time and space for give-and-take feedback and meaningful problem-solving.  The best example was our initiating a half-hour brisk early morning "walk and talk."  This activity helped us both intentionally rise and rapidly focus, mentally anticipate and structure our day, as well as discuss any looming problematic issues.  Clearly, the retreat's use of several interactive exercises speak to the importance of structured focusing and sharing, supporting and strategizing.

c. Surmounting Stigma of Dependency -- recognize that it can be difficult for many people to reach out and ask for help, perhaps fearing that a knowledge or skill gap may be revealed, thereby triggering those "critical voices."  My strategy:  engaging in candid and courageous two-way discussion, asking my friend direct questions about his needs and preferences, frustrations and anxieties. (So too sharing my own personal concerns and quandaries.)  I'm a big believer in asking "good questions" and exploring various options, especially before making suggestions or giving advice.  For me a good question is a hallmark of "respect":  paying careful attention to a person's lived experience, emotional framework, and world view.  Valuing another's ideas or perspective can be a powerful tool for reducing status differences.  The implicit "open and humble" message:  I want to hear your thinking on this issue; I may learn something.  Finally, to reduce the onus of "dependency," we have also employed some of the playful bantering illustrated in my brief "blind culture" travels.  We seem to be evolving toward that "give and take," open to difference state of healthy  interdependence, essential for trust-building as well as interpersonal and productive team relating.

4.  Defining and Modeling "Team Exercise".  I wanted to illustrate the concept of "team" by having small groups come up with a definition.  I also varied the task for each unit:  a) one group was to define "team," b) the second illustrated a "high performing, high support, and morale-building team," and c) the final group, a "CS-Wells high performing, high support, and morale-building team."  Our definitions went from the general to the specific.  Another purposeful wrinkle:  I wanted the individuals in each group to come up with his or her own definition before engaging in the collective definitional brainstorm.  Research suggests this two-step process maximizes brainstorming results.  And true to my hypothesis, the definition of team both expanded and captured more discrete components as the groups' dialogue evolved from general to specific.

In each case, the definitions had a synergistic quality; the resultant group definition was conceptually richer and more insightful than any one members' semantic scribble.  Perhaps most important, two concepts were found in a majority of the groups:  stress resilience and honest collaboration!  The exercise also sparked a critical question from an experienced employee:  "We all agree that honesty and openness are vital...but how do we really achieve them?"

My first response:  creating a safe atmosphere and opportunity for genuine dialogue around important communication channels and conflict issues.  I then showed a Power Point Slide on Building Team Resilience -- The Magnificent Seven:  Helmet’s Off & Hands On.  Let me summarize key open team communication and trust-building structures and strategies:

1)  Wavelength Segment:  setting aside ten minutes in agenda-driven task-oriented meetings for factors positively and/or negatively impacting emotional communication-conflict and team coordination; key is to gradually evolve a "helmet's office" atmosphere where status distinctions do not inhibit idea or emotional expression or determine the value of shared ideas or information; the goal is the opposite of groupthink

2)  Two Hats:  team leader wears a member hat not just a managerial one; ironically, this helps facilitates helmet's off, no rank in the room discussion,

3)  Rotate Facilitators:  instead of the supervisor running the meeting, employee team members lead the meeting on a rotational basis; the peer leader meets with the supervisor and other team members to help set the agenda; supervisor gains new leadership perspective as participant-observer; this "hands on" role-learning often increases employee ownership-responsibility, participation, and commitment to meeting success,

4)  "Morning Quickie":  finding a morning time when all or most can gather for a five-minute huddle to discuss late-breaking news or unexpected developments, reaffirm schedules and plans, to share a funny story, and for starting the day with a "we're all in this together" mindset,

5)  Organizational IRAs & Career/Team Planning:  a Branch manager at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) had a potent idea for solidifying her relationship with individual team members and with branch  employees as a whole.  Twice a year she had a barbeque at her house; the primary objective:  How can I help you advance your career!,

6)  Manage Stress Carriers; Build-in Ongoing Rejuvenation and Connection:  two resilience fostering and idea/cross-team-building interventions:

a. it's vital that leaders not ignore dysfunctional performers and team members; nor should these leaders ask other team members to "just focus on your job"; such a "blind eye" or avoidance strategy allows a virus to fester with the potential to corrupt all manner of people, programs, and operations; also, a leader's credibility with her people is on the line; both documentation of a problematic pattern and a "soft referral" to, for example, the Employee Assistance Program (EAP), are the ideal way to proceed

b. a monthly pizza party, for example, is a great venue both for some "R & R" but also for creative cross-pollination, hopefully encouraging people and programs that don't often meet to have some fruitful mind-melding, and

7)  When to Call On a Stress Resilience/Team Conflict Guide:  periodically, interpersonal or team issues or conflicts arise that require a level of experience and expertise beyond a supervisor or manager's domain; this is when the savvy leader consults with HR or an EAP Consultant and/or looks for an outside Stress Resilience & Team Coordination Consultant; he or she knows to seek counsel and expand team resources and, ultimately, the problem-solving and emotionally supportive potential of the team.

5.  Putting the Four 'C'-ing" Process Together:  Cultivating "Consciousness" and "Communication" along with "Creativity" and "Community."  Finally, just about at the hour mark, we launched into an group exercise that spoke to the earlier, heartfelt question about fostering interpersonal organizational openness as well as the general concern about managing workplace stress, also noted in the opening "team definition" exercise,:  a) identify real workplace barriers to stress resilience and honest collaboration, and b) role-play a scenario that both captures the selected conflict issues and demonstrates some possible problem-solving bridges.  Suffice to say this released both "individual and interpersonal theatricality and creativity," along with considerable knowing laughter.  Combined with the audience responding analytically and emotionally to each of the workplace skits, we also were nurturing meaningful "interactive community."  The IC² model and method was coming to life!

Closing Summary

An "inspiring" team building retreat that "was also a lot of fun" along with igniting "some fresh ideas and desire to bring about change for both staff and the people we serve" spurred this analysis of the initial five learning and sharing retreat concepts and activities.  In particular, the first hour generated "Four 'C'-ing" energy and framework, introducing concepts and group exercises that challenged participants to explore "Consciousness-Communication-Creativity-Community."  Specifically, the foundational five were:

1.  Communicating with Authority Study

2.  Dynamics and Value of Integrity and Interdependency, Humor and Courage

3.  Live-In Coaching and a Healing Partnership

4.  Defining and Modeling "Team Exercise"

5.  Putting the Four 'C'-ing" Process Together"

From the importance of speaking truth to authority and the criticality of give-and-take interdependence to helping participants identify barriers to stress resilience and collaboration, and then act out problem-solving bridges, the IC² mantra dominated our morning: 

Winning teams blend Individual Creativity and Interactive Community!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for government agencies & major corporations.  The Doc is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness broker.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap.  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Inspiring Power and Partnership: An Interactive and Interdependent Perspective

I had an epiphany the other day…and it wasn’t related to Tim Tebow! The “aha” moment involved the concept of power and the unexpected way it might play out in a meaningful relationship. This new concept, the reciprocal if not paradoxical nature of power and vulnerability, is based on recent formal and informal coaching work with various clients and colleagues. And some investigative work in Webster’s Third New International Dictionary helped transform my intuition into insight. Consider this listing of “Seven Definitions and Synonyms of Power”:

1. Force. First, is the popular conception and usage – an “ability to compel obedience” or to “wield coercive force.”
2. Strength. A kindred concept, “The power residing in a thing as a result of qualities or properties (as health or soundness in bodily condition, or numbers or great equipment in a military organization) that enable it to exert force or manifest great strength as in resistance, attack, endurance (or resilience).
3. Control. Involving “direction or restraint,” a need for “control” often underlies the first two meanings, especially “force.”
4. Authority. Used as a synonym, “authority usually implies the granting of power for a specific purpose and within a carefully delineated framework, (including) to act as a leader and to guide others.”
5. Ability. The “capability of acting or producing an effect,” which relates to “a mental or physical ability or aptitude: faculty or talent.”
6. Influence. The “capacity to hold political or social sway”; power is connected to “influence and prestige.”
7. Empower. Finally, power as a verb is instructive: “to give strength to: to make powerful.” I especially like a second definition: “to supply with or propel by means of motive power” and “to give impetus to.” (Regarding the word impetus, in addition to common synonyms such as push and drive, I would also add the more subtle connotations, to touch and to move – both emotionally and to spur to movement or action, i.e., the motion in emotion.)

Clearly there is a qualitative difference in the first three power definitions – force, strength, and control – and the last three definitions – ability, influence, and empower. And authority seems to bridge the two camps, especially when envisioning “permissive authority” in contrast to one that “compels obedience.” I envision an authority based on the differential yet mutual recognition of strengths and resources in all parties; there is the potential for reciprocal learning, and the foundation of this authoritative power comes from the power to persuade through objective and heartfelt information, ideas and stories. This positive authority also grants permission or responsibly delegates discretionary power to others. (Of course, in times of crisis or imminent danger, for good and bad, people often need to/tend to follow the lead of those in positions of “authority.”)

Turning Negative Power into Positive Empowerment

The first three power terms seem a triumvirate or a troika – in my mind force, strength, and control are often associated with superior-subordinate, one up-one down, power-pawn relationships. However, another perspective can be discovered even within our word sets. Imagine force, strength and control used to promote self-growth rather than exploit others. Now the essence of these terms and the power dynamic has changed. (Of course, the converse also applies; the leader of a clique or gang often has great influence, yet too often with negative consequences.) Positive self-empowerment:

a. Harnesses Energy and Discipline – harnesses an individual’s own ability to both focus and flexibly flow with energy, passion and discipline through trial and error and repeated practice,
b. Pursues Purpose, Meaning and Mission – pursues developing one’s sense of purpose (including “purposeful play”) and the search for meaning and mission,
c. Cultivates and Integrates Knowledge and Talents – cultivates and weaves together one’s experience and knowledge, cultural heritage, skills and talents, and
d. Manages and Demonstrates Performance Process – manages performance anxiety and demonstrates a capacity for successful exploratory and goal-directed performance.

For example, learning to channel and focus aggression is a vital component of peak performance in such diverse pursuits as sports, the arts and public speaking. Hey, I bring aggressive energy to my role as a writer. And, not surprisingly, such an enlightened individual often becomes a role model, one who helps empower others. (Hmm…maybe we are “Tebowing” a bit, after all.)

Which leads us to the final three – ability, influence, and empower – terms that comprise a trio or threesome, more a person-situation contingent, interactive, and mutually engaging or “give and take” and “ebb and flow” exchange of emotions and ideas yielding renewed energy, knowledge, and skill-building. Now let’s see if we can apply the abstract to the world of real interaction or at least with a simulation.

A Power Jolting Exercise

In a recent “give and take” session, a colleague shared the powerful emotional impact of my communication and control workshop exercise. She was surprised that the mini-role play had touched her so personally. (In light of her dysfunctional and draining work environment, perhaps it was not so surprising that a “Drop the Rope” exercise struck such a strong chord.) Basically, the exercise involves presenting an imaginary rope to a workshop participant and provocatively inviting the individual to engage with me in a “tug of war.” That is, I tell the person to “sit up straight, feet on the ground, grab the rope with two hands, and get ready to pull at the count of three…” Now most people will slip into role, though some will refuse the “rope.” I suspect some folks fear being embarrassed; others don’t know exactly what’s going on and perhaps are less adventuresome or just want to retain control.

With invisible rope in hand, and the other individual beginning to tense, in anticipation of our face-off, at the count of “two” and beginning to mouth “three,” with both our muscles straining, I suddenly let go of the rope. And then ask, “What just happened?” With a sheepish look, the other person usually feigns falling backwards. While I minimize any embarrassment by saying, “I better start running; I can tell, this guy (or gal) is probably coming after me.” There’s a Keystone Cops quality to the interaction, and frequently we have a laugh.

“Drop the Rope”: Fast Food for Thought

However, this rapid-fire role play may well provide some powerful insight. (Actually, the interplay also sets up a discussion on the “Six ‘C’ Dynamics of Power Struggles” and a power struggle exercise involving the entire audience. Email stressdoc@aol.com for details.) How do you not take the bait when someone is provocatively fishing for an argument or power struggle? The challenge becomes not instinctively pulling back when someone offers you a rope and then “yanks your chain.” You don’t have to prove you can give (or be) as big a jerk. In fact, you can just “drop the rope.” This is not a sign of weakness. Not wanting to play this self-defeating or dysfunctional game, you can say with energy and conviction, “This tugging back and forth isn’t working for me, I don’t know about for you? Can we come up with a more productive way to address your grievance or solve our problem?” Power comes from voicing your integrity and not being afraid to set limits and boundaries, e.g., exercising self-control.

Through the “pulling the rope” exercise, my colleague came to realize that in her own dysfunctional circumstance while the power struggle rope didn’t really exist she was accepting and struggling with the entrapping bait. She was not only disempowering herself but giving her boss more power than he actually had. Learning to “Drop the Rope,” to let go of “being right” and getting past the palpable “unfairness” (in an environment that was not interested in engagement, justice, reform…or fairness) was critical to extricating herself and achieving “R & R”: not simply “Rest and Relaxation” but actually “R & R & R” – knowing when to “Retreat and Retool” before deciding when, where, and how to “Return” to her organization.) This realization was part of her evolving empowerment and eventual liberation process. (Also knowing that the power is too one-sided, sometimes you need to call in an objective third party. And if this option is not available…alas, you may need to be updating the old resume.)

Real Relief and Belief through Grief

Frequently, this kind of letting go, seeing past the blinding outrage, only comes with some grieving. When feeling unfairly judged, maligned or the subject of subterfuge or basically being “forced out” by a dysfunctional person and/or situation, it’s hard not to experience being out of control, or seen as injured or invaded. It often takes courageous tears of “feeling your sorrow” (as opposed to “feeling sorry for yourself”) to cleanse wounds of hurt and humiliation, if not revenge. As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.

And once you are mostly past the teeth-clenching unfairness and/or the ego- or dependency-fueled rage, grief compels a quiet time and soulful space for “how did I get myself into this mess” reflection and for “where do I go from here” support, planning and action. As widely-admired 20th c. Algerian-French author and philosopher, Albert Camus, observed: Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position; or detested person, as it were] has obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

A Pawn or Partner in the Power Game

As I said, the spark from a colleague in the context of recent counseling experiences conjured an image of power that was both very interactive and turned the forceful, superior-subordinate dynamic on its head. But my perspective was not simply shaped by recent encounters. Over the years, personal and professional roles and relations have confirmed an “ability” and “empowering influence” as a careful and understanding listener. If patient, attentive and authoritative listening is foundational, then the first floor is a capacity to engage through “good questions.” More than ever, in a hyper-speed and distracted world, it is vital to connect to and elicit other peoples’ beliefs and ideas and emotions. And a communicator who models laughing at one’s flaws and foibles while enabling folks to believe they have been genuinely seen and heard wields a gentle yet subtle power. This semantic “power” threesome – careful listening, sensitive questioning, and mutual laughing – fosters a sharing that allows one party to feel it is safe to be temporarily dependent and vulnerable, to trust the other’s ability and authority within the context of an honest and open, a non-manipulative and mutual partnership. Individuals and groups often feel energized and more “empowered” to act.

Contemplating “Inspiring Power and Partnership,” two perspectives on power relations emerge:

1. Partner Power. I’m calling the use of domineering force or intimidating notions of strength and control, where exploiting, manipulating, bullying, pulling rank, or “using” the other is the typical mode of interaction, “Pawn-oriented Power.” Conversely, “Partner-oriented Power,” an open, increasingly secure and solid relationship climate based on a non-coercive, “give and take” sharing of power, tends to evolve over time when both parties recognize the value of and possibility for:
a. the gradual belief that it is safe to share one’s vulnerability or self-doubt, while still having one’s emotional strengths and resources affirmed,
b. a relationship capable of both interdependency and appropriate dependency; naturally, the person feeling most vulnerable (or capable) is subject to change with shifting sands of time, circumstance, health, motivation, ability, skills, and resources,
c. careful and compassionate, analytic and empathic, head and heart listening,
d. often followed by selective, emotionally sensitive and thoughtful, responsible and responsive “good questions” and the meaningful exploration and engagement with the other’s perspective and point of view,
e. the appropriate use of “self-effacing” humor (reflecting a sense of humility, humanity and openness); remember, as the Stress Doc penned: People are more open to a serious message that is gift-wrapped with humor,
f. the option, after careful listening and exploration, of making tentative suggestions along with recommendations grounded in firm conviction and tangible action steps while still being receptive to counter-feedback and diverging perspective,
g. engaging in mutual discussion as well as respectful, real and candid disagreement (candor can be assertive and genuine, yet still enable a person to save face when strategically tactful or sensitive to the other’s self-esteem and identity; such candor is preferred to honesty used as a weapon to demean and demoralize),
h. recognizing and respecting basic experiential, personality, and cultural differences, and, finally,
i. the understanding that following the above psychological and communicational map of engagement often paves the way for the evolution of trust.

Actually, these steps provide another power pathway – “Partner Power.” The ongoing evolution of trust may be the most vital and dynamic interpersonal process for building or strengthening a relationship. It is certainly foundational for forging an ongoing supportive, strategic and, especially, a synergistic alliance – whereby not only is “the whole greater than the sum of the parts” but the free flowing communication, camaraderie, and creative interplay between or among the parts means these “parts can evolve and transform into partners.”

2. The Interdependence of Partner Power. While trust may be a consequence of “Partner Power,” a willingness to risk and trust may also provide an infusion of power into a partner. Though there may be a decidedly more vulnerable party, nonetheless, from a “give and take” perspective both individuals are part of the shared and evolving power equation. Let me explain. First, I knew a person’s vulnerability is often crisis-driven and thus time-limited. While a person’s strengths may be partially eclipsed by momentary depletion and self-doubt, they are usually still clear to my way of perceiving, thinking, and listening. Momentary feelings of self-doubt or helplessness don’t necessarily foreshadow long term hopelessness or dependency, especially if the vulnerable party can reach out for support in a timely fashion. During the “crisis window” the individual is feeling disoriented and defenses are lowered. However, this state of vulnerability often opens a person to new problem-solving approaches along with expanded support systems and resources in order to regain control and psychic equilibrium. While crisis is a time of danger, it is also an opportunity for significant or surprising, if not creative and synergistic, problem-solving and growth.

But the new insight, or perhaps it’s more a reframe, is that the vulnerable person still carries considerable power, especially within an ever evolving and reciprocal relationship where one person may be “better or worse” at a moment in (or for periods of) time. A healthy partnership recognizes the fluid, seesaw-like nature of a relationship, and creates a climate where vital issues, including personal vulnerability as well as differences in strengths and competencies may, and sometimes must, be explored and even tested. This “being periodically put to the test” is likely necessary for meaningful trust, real reciprocity, and interdependence to evolve, not erode, over time.

As mentioned, feeling entrapped in a web of change, conflict, and crisis may heighten one’s perceived vulnerability, including a need for more personal sharing along with a caring ear and shoulder; such uncertainty or confusion may motivate a search for guidance and resources. (Alas, a rigid, “fight or flight” Rambo or Rambette coping pattern may preclude reaching out. It’s why I say strong silent types often get more ulcers than Oscars!) Still, for a healthy, functional partnership, when one party is under duress, is the other party viewed as a caring and competent resource capable of responding effectively? For example, in my coaching work, does the other party trust that I am trustworthy? Is the other person comfortable with the common and dissimilar ways we share and engage? Is he willing to allow me incremental access to some of the recesses of his mind, heart, and even his soul? If I’m able to accept and patiently listen to my own painful and vulnerable memories, emotions, and life experience, without being too quick to assess, diagnose, or judge, intimate sharing is more likely to proceed. Especially, if I can ask questions that say to the other, “I truly want to know your ideas and experience,” that is, “I want to understand your pain and passion, purpose and power (and/or lack thereof).”

And being stimulated by such important and intense sharing invariably heightens and hones my concentration and insight, my intuition and empathy. The vulnerable party-partner (despite a doubting self-image) is a courageous and an integral player in an interactive process that infuses me with energy, humility, and emotion as well as moving me to both analytic and compassionate engagement. The intimate-vulnerable other has helped unleash my power, has given me license to share my authority, ability and influence (mostly as a skilled listener and occasional problem-solver), to support and empower. Clearly, unlike “Pawn Power” which often exploits dependency, role and resource discrepancy, or lesser status, “Partner Power” creates a two-way, ebb and flow transfusion that ultimately empowers both parties.

Closing Summary

This essay has provided a hierarchical listing of various meanings of the word “power” – from power based on coercion to power bases on persuasion. At the same time, even a negative conception of power can take on a positive and empowering tone when self-directed. Moving beyond the abstract, power is examined through the lens of real world interaction or at least role-paying simulation. Learning to “drop the rope” and “letting go” through grief sets the stage for paradoxically transforming feelings of loss into new possibilities and pathways of power. Finally, contemplating “Inspiring Power and Partnership,” two perspectives on power relations emerge: 1) “Partner Power” (in contrast to Pawn-oriented Power), including the psychological and interactive steps essential for its development, and 2) “The Interdependence of Partner Power” – whereby times of crisis vulnerability often motivate one party to risk and open up emotionally and also infuse power into the other party along with eliciting a readiness to provide support. This crisis interdependency provides uncommon if not synergistic problem-solving opportunity for both parties…parts may be able to transform into partners!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Value of a “Helmet’s Office” Atmosphere: Building Team and Organizational Trust, Collaborative Conflict, Partnership & Synergy

My work with the military has been very instructive. As a team building catalyst I appreciate the concept of creating a “Helmet’s Off” meeting atmosphere whereby there is “no rank in the room.” Ideally, the Corporal is not afraid to speak up honestly, even critically, with and to the Colonel. Of course, the unspoken challenge is whether there’s sufficient trust to transcend traditional “superior-subordinate” roles-relations-rules-restrictions. More broadly, what is the overall trust and safety level in the room? Will something I say quickly come back to bite me or eventually wind up as career-killer in a personnel file?

Naturally, when there’s an external threat, a “harm’s way” crisis or a critical need to follow “one voice” then helmets need to be firmly in place. However, when there is opportunity for frank and open dialogue, progressive military leaders are realizing that, especially with voluntary personnel and with today’s younger generation, two-way communication fosters greater respect, trust, commitment and a real cycle of what I call the interactive team building triad-synthesis -– “leadership <– > followship –> partnership.” That is, depending on the situational context or challenge, all levels in the organizational hierarchy need to set sail on the first two “ships” to sufficiently understand each one’s perspectives and roles, responsibilities and demands. Also, leadership doesn’t only come packaged with the title of “Captain,” “CEO” or “Coach.” Informal or untapped leaders often work behind the scenes. Good leaders, however, coax these “informals” out of the closet or provide a platform for their budding talents and harness or align with their influence.

Finally, some hands on experience “in both the trenches and think tanks” facilitate the evolution of a productive “leadership-followship” alliance. (For example, the mind- and heart-opening premise of the TV series, “Undercover Boss,” reflects a desire to have the chief surreptitiously wade into the trenches and swim with the catfish. I’m still waiting for the “Surreality” show that allows a team of employees into the shark tank…I mean boardroom.)

A friend, a retired Army Colonel once shared: “It’s easy ordering people around. Creating genuine buy-in is the real challenge.” To the military’s credit, they seem to realize that at times they have difficulty walking their helmetless talk, hence a desire to work with the Stress Doc ™. And barriers to candid communication may even arise with Senior Officers and Senior Sergeants, the battalion or brigade leadership team. In fact, most of my military “Stress, Change & Team Building” experience is with these senior groups. Consider this testimonial:

15th Sustainment Brigade, 1st Cavalry, Ft. Hood, TX
[Stress, Change and Team-Building Predeployment to Iraq Program for 40 Senior Officers, Senior Sergeants and Spouses]


Mark:

What a great program you engineered at our Command Offsite! It could not have been better if we had orchestrated it! Your session on managing change and stress was the perfect lead-in to the work we had to accomplish throughout the conference. It set the conditions for the free, uninhibited work (regardless of rank) that we needed. Our “drawing” exercise was absolutely enlightening. I cannot tell you how valuable it was to me as the “CEO” to see these products and see how the differing sections and commands worked together. The spouses loved the briefing and the interaction just as much as the uniformed members did.

Here’s the BLUF: Your session was the critical building block on which we built the rest of the conference.

My sincere thanks. Job well done.

COL Phelps

COL Larry Phelps
Commander, 15th SB
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Value of “Helmets Off”: Top Ten

However, my purpose with this essay is to reach a broad target audience. Why might the “Helmet’s Off” credo not just be a good fit for the military but also help build non-military team and organizational trust, coordination and productivity? When you have the time, consider these “Top Ten” opportune factors:

1. Opportunity for candid and clarifying communication and critical feedback. In a “Helmets Off Atmosphere” (HOA), not only is it easier for “message sent = message received” but a candid environment helps flesh out hidden agendas and stimulates a broader segment of member participation. And if leaders understand the difference between “Acknowledgement and Agreement” one can engage another’s perspective without endorsing it. If you don’t have to immediately establish “who’s right or wrong” (especially when it’s not a “black or white” data-driven issue), then options emerge: for example, before answering or arguing, allow the larger group to weigh in on the issue. (Hopefully, there’s not a groupthink milieu. And the quickest way of combating groupthink: ask people to question or challenge your perspective.) Remember, people don’t just contend or compete over facts; more often it’s the status of the head-banging relationship: people want to know it’s safe to say, “I believe you’re wrong and I’m right.”

Also, in the heat of a verbal battle, people frequently have an “attitude.” Sometimes it’s the person’s personality, other times it’s a momentary face-saving device, that is, the difference between “trait” and “state.” Either way, with my own slow movement toward maturity (let’s call it “fate,”) I’ve learned to accept a little angry attitude (what I call “smoke”) when sparring; however I do not accept a personal attack or abuse (that is, learn to distinguish the “smoke” from the “fire”). When an authority figure allows a “subordinate” to disagree openly (but not abusively) in a public forum without quickly cutting him down at the intellectual knees, most feel a sigh of relief and a deposit is added to the group trust account. And ironically, the former contrarian often more quickly joins the other side of the argument once having defended his position or when allowed to save face. Sometimes exercising a psychological freedom trumps competing over logical “facts.”

2. Opportunity for asking good questions as well as active-reflective listening and for generating creative conflict. When I ask a group what constitutes a “good question” in the context of interpersonal conflict, I get answers such as: a) one that solicits an open-ended response, b) one that can’t be answered by “yes” or “no,” and c) is not simply a “gotcha” tactic, whereby the questioner already knows the answer. (Although sometimes a “gotcha” question may be needed to establish the facts of a situation in the face of significant denial or a cover-up.) For me, there are two pillars of a good question: 1) the humility pillar, which acknowledges “not having all the answers” and 2) the openness pillar, which says, “I really would like to hear your point of view. I have more to learn than I realized.” (Clearly there’s a link between openness and humility.)

In an HOA setting this kind of exchange lays the basis for “collaboration” –- helping people speak from both the head and heart, teasing out hidden agendas, allowing for constructive conflict, even asking antagonists for more of their thinking, thereby helping to affirm their experience or expertise. And such openness simultaneously challenges our truisms. As 19th c. pragmatic philosopher and the “Father of American Education,” John Dewey, observed: Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity. It instigates to invention and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict is the sine qua non of reflection and ingenuity.

Now people and parties risk venturing from their territorial silos; the process encourages illogical and improbable ideas, allowing diversity to stimulate creativity, e.g., brainstorming methods for imaginatively yet fairly sharing resources and devising complementary approaches. (A number of studies reveal that teams comprised of diverse members almost invariably do more creative problem solving than more homogeneous task groups.) So maximize group brainpower by 1) asking good questions, 2) engaging in active and reflective listening, while 3) harnessing the colorful-compelling sparks of diversity and creative conflict.

3. Opportunity for reliable and quick feedback from and to folks in the trenches. To be “efficient” (do the thing right) and “effective” (do the right thing), an HOA mindset realizes that certain data can only be obtained by first hand, real time reports from the trenches. (For example, see the “Undercover Boss” reference above.) However, even if the data was initially wired in, the opportunity for sharing the circumstances and dynamics with the entire group affirms the value of the front line report/reporters while generating exploratory and collaborative possibilities. As Randy Pausch in his acclaimed book, The Last Lecture, written in anticipation of his dying from pancreatic cancer, recommends, “Phrase alternatives as questions. Instead of “I think we should do A, not B,” try “What if we did A, instead of B?” [The unspoken message: “what might be the implications or consequences?” And, again, most important, “I want to hear your perspective.”] This allows people to offer comments rather than defend (or debate) one choice.”

And remember, often it’s best to back up an important e-blast with a face-to-group announcement. It’s too easy for messages and texts to get lost in the electronic and textual cacophony. You’ll save time and enhance trust when all hear the message simultaneously and have the opportunity to raise questions or concerns.

4. Opportunity to remove cultural and generational diversity barriers and foster team synergy. Let me provide an HOA moment inspired by Al Davis, the recently deceased maverick, “Renaissance Football Man,” and long-time rabble-rousing owner of the Oakland Raiders. Davis hired the first Afro-American football coach in the modern era. In a sport that was increasingly being played by black athletes, do you think this helped create a “helmets off” atmosphere in the locker room? (Davis also later hired John Madden who, at the time, I believe was the youngest man to ever coach in the NFL. Again, this was another potential bridge-builder though, I would imagine, not without its skeptical men and moments. I can just picture some of the older Assistant Coaches or even players questioning the experience of their fledgling head coach. In addition to being elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Madden, of course, went on to become an American icon through his work as a TV commentator and his pioneering efforts in electronic gaming.)

An interesting question arises: how do these idiosyncratic personalities fit into football, a sport that’s been called “the ultimate team game.” You’ve likely heard or perhaps seen the following mantra posted on an office wall: “There’s no ‘I’ in team.” While there’s some validity on its face, the slogan has always left me needing more…or wanting to conceptualize further. Might not individual difference, including variation in personality, mindset and talent, along with cultural or generational perspective, challenge the team to reach another level of evolutionary function? As Adam Gopnik, in Angels and Ages: A Brief Book about Darwin, Lincoln and Modern Life, observed: Repetition is the law of nature but variation is the rule of life!

Consider this semantic twist: While there’s no “I” in team, there are two “I”s in winning! From a poetic perspective a number of interpretations of the latter phrase are possible:
a) keeping your eyes on the prize,
b) reflecting on the past to help envision a new future, or my favorite
c) mixing the literal and the “letteral,” one comes up with two “I”s that definitely “C” –- the “I”s stand for “Individuality” and “Interactivity” and their related “C”s are “Creativity” and “Community.” And voila: the formula for a winning team is a synergistic blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”

Some Conceptual Tools for Rethinking Team Synergy

In a general way the popular TEAM acronym speaks the language of synergy: Together Each Achieves More. The slogan indicates that the individual benefits from collective understanding, will and action and that harmony is its own reward. But what about the inverse: does individual variation in history or talent (not necessarily playing a formal leadership role) impact the capacity of the group to meet its goals around performance and and productivity, morale and camaraderie? How about these TEAM acronyms:

a) Talent Energizes Ambitious Motivation
b) Trial & Error Amplifies Mastery (or, perhaps even better, Mutation)

The creative explorer typically challenges the community to reexamine its conventional values, positions and actions. A community that’s not cut off by “one right way” tradition or rigid “funda-mental-ist armor” debates, sometimes tolerates, and may eventually find room to encourage the idiosyncratic individual to speak the language of, relate to, educate and even stir up, if not inspire, the larger collective. And when these two “‘I’s that ‘C’” intermingle, another notion of synergy materializes: behavior of whole systems unpredicted by the behavior of their parts taken separately. This is called emergent behavior (Wikipedia) and brings us back to the power of variation for spawning successful adaptation, that is, individual mutation spreads, ultimately influencing the hardiness of the larger community often resulting in “the survival of the fittest.”

Finally, this emergent conception helps us return to the conventional if not predictable notion of synergy: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Whether the outcome is “unpredictable” or “greater than,” just what do these statements actually mean? They’ve become such embedded clichés; I suspect most folks don’t stop to think about the overt or covert dynamics. For me, when you’re cookin’ with synergy there is some combination of free flowing, genuine, uninhibited, intimate, out-rage-ous, intuitive, playful and verbal-nonverbal communication-new ways of relating amongst the parts (akin to a jazz riff), that in due time those individual parts magically morph into partners (at least for the potent moment) no matter the rank or role in the room.

5. Opportunity to delegate-distribute roles, responsibilities and power and to generate matrix teams. HO can also stand for “Hand Off” in addition to “Helmets Off.” After a meaningful discussion of an issue or problem there usually is a pregnant pause: who will take responsibility for putting strategic ideas into action and/or monitoring the problem-solving steps and any additional problem solvers? Assuming that we’re not resorting to the traditional military manner of “enlisting volunteers,” a smart leader will allow the silence its pregnant possibility. My experience suggests that a group member will pop up, or will do so with a gentle nudge. The person taking responsibility often has some personal if not passionate connection to the issue on the floor.

For the formal “Helmets Off” leader the challenge is not just giving up some control over the problematic issue but also working to find that balance between being detached without being distant, that is, achieving “detached involvement.” When you “hand off,” let the person run with the ball; even an occasional fumble can help him or her get a better grip on issues moving forward. You are enabling others to exercise and develop their knowledge and skills, passion and talents, as well as strengthening a sense of responsibility. And, of course, let the employee know you are available as a coach and consultant or, if persistent difficulties arise, as a manager. (But remember, the “responsible” individual is an “agent,” that is, a person of influence or impact and one who is worthy of trust.)

Finally, a diverse community gathering makes it easier to generate matrix teams. You can encourage and empower representatives of different organizational departments, seniority levels, knowledge bases, cultural populations, etc., to take on issues that that transcend the segmental or territorial and impact the foundational and systemic. The payoff for your organization is an expanding synergy whereby “distinct parts transform into dynamic partners.” Words to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Stay tuned for Part II, the final five ways an HOA impacts team and organizational trust, coordination and productivity.
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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

(c) Mark Gorkin 2011
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