The Erosive Grief-Ghost Spiral -- Part III: Burnout Exposing the Burn-in…Burn-in Exploding the Burnout

Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels and interplays between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. Parts I & II of this series have examined the connection between prematurely buried or insufficiently grieved life cycle losses and the lingering and disruptive presence of “grief ghosts.” Definitions of burnout, burn-in, and loss were sketched and a detailed outline of the “Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief” was provided. A case example of the connection between loitering losses and lurking ghosts was provided. This essay begins with a vignette that reveals how past loss and trauma denied confounds and contaminates one’s present functioning. It also illustrates how one may need to experience burnout in order to grapple with primal burn-in grief ghosts. Next, comes a classic definition of burnout, a general burnout-inducing mindset, and then, five major sources of burnout are outlined.

At the Burnout-Burn-in Crossroads of Israel, Syria, and New Orleans

Here’s a story that speaks to the latent power of delayed grief; disruptive echoes from a seemingly distant past can still disorient and derail a life in the present. In the mid-1980s, I began working with a New Orleans businessman in his mid-30s on burnout issues he claimed were brought on by a demanding import-export business. His lack of focus and enthusiasm, along with decreasing productivity was evoking feelings of guilt, self-blame, and diminished self-esteem. Actually, he was confused by his state of exhaustion and ennui; normally he is quite decisive. And as his custom, he was mostly suffering in silence, until he heard a Stress Doc radio feature on burnout and called for an appointment.

In my office, the discrepancy between his words and emotional affect had me thinking a vital assessment piece was missing. And in fact, gathering some background history, our focus quickly shifted to another, more traumatic time. This client was also a former Israeli officer who had undergone truly harrowing encounters as a front-line Tank Commander in the 1973 Arab-Israeli War. His traumatic experiences included helping repulse a surprise tank attack by a numerically superior foe; many in his battalion lost their lives. And when finally returning from the battlefield in haste, in a state of exhaustion, he crashes his jeep killing two fellow passengers-soldiers. Necessary reports were filed; however, because he was an officer no psychological debriefing was required. In fact, he had never shared his harrowing experiences and guilt-laden emotions with family members. Now, in my office twelve years later, it was apparent how heavy still the military emotional burden and baggage, and how much it was adding fuel to his sense of shame and burnout fire. Actually, the present burnout smoke signals were more a smoking gun incriminating the long-standing smoldering PTSD within. I rerouted him back to Israel for that long overdue debriefing and encouraged him to begin sharing the suppressed experiences and emotions with his family. Fortified with proper support, he was ready to wrestle with his primal ghosts. I was confident that purpose and passion or even a new direction would rise from those post-traumatic-burnout ashes.

Clearly, this vignette shows how interconnected burnout and burn-in may be. With hindsight, I suspect the toll of loitering grief ghosts each year was getting progressively heavy; the burn-in finally reached a critical combustion point. It’s possible that for this ex-Israeli officer business burnout was a necessary, less conflicted and stigmatizing condition, one that provided a “pass in the impasse.” He could ask for help more readily around his business battle fatigue than for the warring ghosts within. (This is not an uncommon self-labeling ploy. For example, I’ve worked with many clients more willing to initially wear the badge of burnout than to acknowledge some form of clinical depression smoldering internally for months or years.)

Burnout: Definition, “Vital Lesson” Mindset, and “Eco”- and Ego-Driven Sources

With this example as a springboard, let’s explore burnout, from its foundation to its stages. Beginning with my classic definition, Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion – a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give.

The classic or most familiar set-up for burnout is a professional or personal situation or environment that places high ongoing demands and responsibilities upon you while restricting your sense of control, autonomy, and/or authority, along with access to resources and support. However, look for two other volatile ingredients: inflexibly high expectations and elusive goals definitely add fuel to the fire. Consider my “Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If, no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming and you can’t say and mean “no” or won’t let go…because you’ve invested so much time, money, energy, and ego in that one right person, position, or only one right-possible-acceptable outcome…then trouble awaits. The groundwork is laid for apathy, callousness and despair.

But let’s expand from the psychological to the eco-logical and ego-logical. In a rapidly changing, uncertain, and 24/7 wired world, four major sources of burnout are posited – from “eco”-driven (as in organizational eco-system) to “ego”-driven (see the “Vital Lesson” above). A fifth source relates to preexisting “mind-body” conditions that may predispose an individual to burnout, e.g., early childhood losses, chronic illnesses or disabilities, traumatic experiences, and all manner of prematurely buried grief ghosts. Consider these “Five Major Sources of Burnout”:

1. TNT World. In a 24/7, “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world, the boundary between work and home is eroding; how does one truly relax when forever sneaking a peek at the latest text or Outlook message/calendar entry?; where’s that “Off-Duty” taxi sign when you need one?; there’s less recovery time and space with today’s exhausting and intrusive pace, especially for single parent or dual-income families; and to quote NY Times technology blogger, Nick Bilton, unlike the near universally fluent “Internet Natives” (born ABI – After the Birth of Internet”) many “Internet Immigrants” (born BBI – “Before the Birth of the Internet”) will always be challenged by the constant need for survival upgrading.

2. Out of Control World. Even more taxing than the pace of life, is a feeling that you no longer have control of its pace and priorities, especially you can’t influence the outcomes; your actions seem to have less and less consequence. People who have been downsized or anticipate being laid off, or have gone through a foreclosure, or are in an emotionally abusive relationship, or are caught in the always on, always anxious role of caretaker to an infirmed parent (especially when still parenting their kids) can start feeling like pawns – life’s forces and factors seem beyond their control.

Of course, this century we in the US have been confronted by a staggering “out of control” event – September 11th. As previously noted in an article written shortly after the terrorist attack (“Traumatic Stress/Crisis Intervention Techniques and Tips,” email stressdoc@aol.com for the article) a natural result of trauma and crisis is that past and, even, deep-seated memories or associations of previous threats, losses, tragedies or abuses may be stirred up. Initially, the disconcerting association may not be to a specific past event but more to a general feeling, such as being trapped, and feeling out of sorts or not oneself, etc.

As an example, a week after 9/11, a friend and an “S & L” Vice-President and Technology Officer shared how he was still feeling a sense of dis-ease that eluded his understanding. He saw the parallel with his previous combat experience, connecting the devastating rubble and gray ash around the fallen World Trade Center to the bombed out fields in Vietnam. But J. had emotionally grappled with his service experience, including near death encounters as an artillery officer. So the ongoing disorientation was perplexing. I asked J. if it was possible that the subconscious memory being stirred was less war-related and more connected to the tragic death of his first wife; she had been trapped in a roaring home fire. J. attempted a rescue that was unsuccessful. With a surprised and pensive look on his face, J. said, “I hadn’t thought of that.” He now recognized that the fiery ball and flames from the Twin Towers had also blown open personal black box holding memories of traumatic loss and a profound experience of helplessness.

3. Elusive or Egoal-Driven World. When ideals, high expectations, and critical or especially, pride-driven goals prove elusive or are continuously thwarted despite significant investment of time, energy, money, and self-identity, and one can’t step back or “let go,” an individual’s motivational fire will likely become exhausted if not extinguished; in the short-term, before the erosive spiral hits bottom, ambitious, outrageous or self-inflated egoals may be on display; alas, such objectives, whether genuinely daring or delusional, are often the product of deep-seated insecurity, critical ghosts, and magical thinking; by achieving something truly innovative or uncommon, “I’ll show all those doubters and naysayers once and for all!” (See Part IV for my personal burnout vignette.) Alas, if only it were that easy.

4. Niche to Ditch World. When a once successful person simply rests on his or her laurels, tries to cruise to retirement, resists new learning curves, or just habitually performs a repetitive job or starts sleepwalking through the work day or a career path then such a person is susceptible to what I call the “Bjorn Bored Syndrome” (BBS); one’s niche of success has devolved into the ditch of excess; see below.

5. Smoldering-Shaming-Post-Traumatic Ghosts, Depression and Disability Demons, and Disruptive Early Childhood Separations. To the degree a person carries around heavy bio-psycho-social weights (seemingly invisible to the bearer as well as to observers until it’s too late) this individual is germinating grief ghosts and is susceptible to “burn-in induced burnout.” That is, a) lingering life cycle losses insufficiently mourned, b) traumatic experiences denied or pushed aside by false pride or shame, c) the poignant pain of early childhood separations and abandonments on both individuals and members of the family system; (e.g., research shows those with major early loss issues when exposed to hazardous situations as adults are more susceptible to post-traumatic effects), d) childhood abuse or bullying; of course, the latter is not confined to the schoolyard – domestic abuse is in the bedroom and worksite bullying is found in the boardroom and on the work floor: the issue of workplace bullying is beginning to share the spotlight with sexual harassment; both may leave indelible scars; or e) a genetic-family predisposition for depression or other mind-body disabilities, along with the stigmatizing societal labels attached by self and others, all may fuel a smoldering, if not burning fire that consumes self-esteem; such mind-body states and traits also intensify the challenge of understanding/managing one’s emotions and developing work performance competency as well as emotionally intelligent relationship skills. These hazardous conditions and predispositions often set the stage for eventual burnout implosion or explosion.

However, with sufficient support from an eco-system along with the motivation and skills to recall, wrestle with, and transform past psychological “echo-system static,” this primal pain may be harnessed as passionate, purposeful, and exploratory energy and ideas for creative adaptation. As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

So let’s get to know better the pain, despite Carly Simon’s soulful declarations to the contrary.

The Four Stages of Burnout

Whatever the forces and factors of this “erosive spiral,” how can you recognize signs and symptoms? To reiterate, here’s the definition: Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion, a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give. Doesn’t sound like fun.

Now let’s flesh out “The Four Stages”:

1. Physical, Mental, and Emotional Exhaustion. Do you recognize this sequence? Maybe you’re holding it together at work, but as soon as you get home, right for the fridge, get out the chocolate ice cream or the lite-beer, put on the tube, hit the sofa…and you are comatose for the rest of the evening, or wish you could be! (Of course, I frequently hear, “Doc, you mean there’s something wrong with that!”) Normally you pride yourself on doing a thorough job. Now budget cuts have you looking for shortcuts, if not cutting corners, and this gnaws at your self-esteem. Consistently doing more with less not only can induce a case of the brain strain accompanied by an energy shortage and feelings of exhaustion, but people often start becoming “lean-and-MEAN.”

2. Shame and Doubt, maybe Lashing and Tuning Out. When someone asks you to take on a new project, despite wanting to help does a voice inside scream, “Who are you kidding!” Will supervisors, colleagues, friends and family members sense there’s something wrong? You’re feeling shaky in the present and losing confidence about managing the future – you can even start discounting past accomplishments. You worry that others will detect your compromised state. Or, you begin to project your self-doubt, now impatiently criticizing others or even lashing out.

However, being overloaded, grappling with too many demands along with inadequate controls, authority, and accountability is not the only formula for burnout. The erosive spiral also viciously cycles when lacking sufficient mental stimulation, feeling underutilized, or worn down by numbing repetition. I call it the “Bjorn Bored Syndrome,” named after the late-‘70-80s Swedish tennis great, Bjorn Borg. Despite winning four consecutive French and Wimbledon tennis titles, Borg burnt out on the circuit well before he was thirty. (Was the thrill gone?) He had great success, celebrity status, the travel around the world life style…but he also had the drudgery of the all too familiar mind, body, and spirit numbing hours and hours of practice. (And maybe there was an ego issue: he also was losing consistently to John McEnroe at the US Open.) Perhaps his one-time niche of success was turning into the ditch of excess…for Borg it truly was a critical crossroad; he dropped out of the fast-lane. The Bjorn Bored Syndrome: When Mastery times Monotony provides an index of Misery!

Remember, this is not a logical process but a psychological one. Are dark clouds of uncertainty and self-doubt following you? If uncontrollable heavy, labored breathing and exhaling, moaning and groaning are punctuating your day…are you ready to enlist in the Stress Doc’s “Frequent Sigher’s Club?” I’m confident this is one group that will really take off!

3. Cynicism and Callousness. Eventually, some folks have enough of feeling anxious and vulnerable. They start putting on the heavy armor: “Look out for #1,” “Cover your derriere,” “Get out of my way,” or “I could care less,” as well as that instant crowd pleaser, “Whatever,” dripping with scarcasm. And ironically, sensitive or overly accommodating individuals are prone to this personality transformation, eventually developing calloused skin for “self-protection.” Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more a sign that you gave yourself away. Not surprisingly, you can become resentful and feel that people are taking advantage of you. In the short run there may be some payoff –you become abrasive enough or give people the darkly silent evil eye long enough and people start avoiding you. In the long term, not only are you projecting a dysfunctional image, but you are bottling up or covering up all this fear, frustration, and sense of failure. When you put on your heavy armor, you may believe “Nobody’s getting to me.” But more likely, “Nothing’s get out.” All that tension and turmoil is bubbling and boiling inside. And the risk is not only a hardening of the psyche; you may be encouraging a hardening of the arteries – high blood pressure and premature heart attacks or brain attacks, i.e., strokes – as well. As I like to say, strong silent types – you Rambos and Rambettes know who you are – usually get a lot more ulcers than Oscars! Which is why it may be better to move into the fourth stage; sometimes folks have to hit bottom before they will admit needing help.

4. Failure, Helplessness, and Crisis. Being caught in a career or relationship catch-22 often signals the final stage: one may feel, “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t; damned if I stay, damned if I leave.” Your coping strategy is coming unglued. In this vulnerable state, you may be especially sensitive to criticism and feel paralyzed, or being impulsive and acting out. Over time, prolonged stress can inhibit the functioning of brain neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, biochemicals instrumental in mood state, especially feelings of calm, happiness, and joy. And when a person has a genetic tendency or family history of mood instability, has experienced early childhood loss (e.g., the death or chronic illness of a parent) or unresolved trauma (e.g., being raised in a substance abusing family dynamic or, for example, having post-traumatic military stress), then such biochemical predisposition or disruption combined with prolonged stress may even foster clinical depression.

Burnout is like trying to run a marathon at full speed. Without pacing or meaningful stimulation, the mind-body parts wear out, and the mental and psycho-motor apparatus breaks down. In fact, one reason the fourth stage is so disorienting psychologically is that there are cracks in your defensive armor. Emotional memories, those lingering and loitering ghosts, are now floating up to the surface of consciousness. Not only are you dealing with demands in the present but now you are weeping over once significant people you haven’t really thought deeply about in years. You are confused, perhaps fearful over these out of your control memories and mournful sighs. Remember, by the fourth stage, burnout is no longer a logical process but a psychological one. (Do you recall the vignette of the New Orleans businessman/Israeli soldier? And while “Stage Four” sounds terrible, consider this: hitting bottom means there’s no more downward spiral. And if you can reach out, there’s nowhere to go but up. Fourth-stage burnout is the crisis point. Are you ready to reach out for the help and resources you need? Are you willing to connect burnout and burn-in; are you prepared to explore, engage, and embrace your grief ghosts? Are you ready to…Practice Safe Stress?


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Inspiring Power and Partnership: An Interactive and Interdependent Perspective

I had an epiphany the other day…and it wasn’t related to Tim Tebow! The “aha” moment involved the concept of power and the unexpected way it might play out in a meaningful relationship. This new concept, the reciprocal if not paradoxical nature of power and vulnerability, is based on recent formal and informal coaching work with various clients and colleagues. And some investigative work in Webster’s Third New International Dictionary helped transform my intuition into insight. Consider this listing of “Seven Definitions and Synonyms of Power”:

1. Force. First, is the popular conception and usage – an “ability to compel obedience” or to “wield coercive force.”
2. Strength. A kindred concept, “The power residing in a thing as a result of qualities or properties (as health or soundness in bodily condition, or numbers or great equipment in a military organization) that enable it to exert force or manifest great strength as in resistance, attack, endurance (or resilience).
3. Control. Involving “direction or restraint,” a need for “control” often underlies the first two meanings, especially “force.”
4. Authority. Used as a synonym, “authority usually implies the granting of power for a specific purpose and within a carefully delineated framework, (including) to act as a leader and to guide others.”
5. Ability. The “capability of acting or producing an effect,” which relates to “a mental or physical ability or aptitude: faculty or talent.”
6. Influence. The “capacity to hold political or social sway”; power is connected to “influence and prestige.”
7. Empower. Finally, power as a verb is instructive: “to give strength to: to make powerful.” I especially like a second definition: “to supply with or propel by means of motive power” and “to give impetus to.” (Regarding the word impetus, in addition to common synonyms such as push and drive, I would also add the more subtle connotations, to touch and to move – both emotionally and to spur to movement or action, i.e., the motion in emotion.)

Clearly there is a qualitative difference in the first three power definitions – force, strength, and control – and the last three definitions – ability, influence, and empower. And authority seems to bridge the two camps, especially when envisioning “permissive authority” in contrast to one that “compels obedience.” I envision an authority based on the differential yet mutual recognition of strengths and resources in all parties; there is the potential for reciprocal learning, and the foundation of this authoritative power comes from the power to persuade through objective and heartfelt information, ideas and stories. This positive authority also grants permission or responsibly delegates discretionary power to others. (Of course, in times of crisis or imminent danger, for good and bad, people often need to/tend to follow the lead of those in positions of “authority.”)

Turning Negative Power into Positive Empowerment

The first three power terms seem a triumvirate or a troika – in my mind force, strength, and control are often associated with superior-subordinate, one up-one down, power-pawn relationships. However, another perspective can be discovered even within our word sets. Imagine force, strength and control used to promote self-growth rather than exploit others. Now the essence of these terms and the power dynamic has changed. (Of course, the converse also applies; the leader of a clique or gang often has great influence, yet too often with negative consequences.) Positive self-empowerment:

a. Harnesses Energy and Discipline – harnesses an individual’s own ability to both focus and flexibly flow with energy, passion and discipline through trial and error and repeated practice,
b. Pursues Purpose, Meaning and Mission – pursues developing one’s sense of purpose (including “purposeful play”) and the search for meaning and mission,
c. Cultivates and Integrates Knowledge and Talents – cultivates and weaves together one’s experience and knowledge, cultural heritage, skills and talents, and
d. Manages and Demonstrates Performance Process – manages performance anxiety and demonstrates a capacity for successful exploratory and goal-directed performance.

For example, learning to channel and focus aggression is a vital component of peak performance in such diverse pursuits as sports, the arts and public speaking. Hey, I bring aggressive energy to my role as a writer. And, not surprisingly, such an enlightened individual often becomes a role model, one who helps empower others. (Hmm…maybe we are “Tebowing” a bit, after all.)

Which leads us to the final three – ability, influence, and empower – terms that comprise a trio or threesome, more a person-situation contingent, interactive, and mutually engaging or “give and take” and “ebb and flow” exchange of emotions and ideas yielding renewed energy, knowledge, and skill-building. Now let’s see if we can apply the abstract to the world of real interaction or at least with a simulation.

A Power Jolting Exercise

In a recent “give and take” session, a colleague shared the powerful emotional impact of my communication and control workshop exercise. She was surprised that the mini-role play had touched her so personally. (In light of her dysfunctional and draining work environment, perhaps it was not so surprising that a “Drop the Rope” exercise struck such a strong chord.) Basically, the exercise involves presenting an imaginary rope to a workshop participant and provocatively inviting the individual to engage with me in a “tug of war.” That is, I tell the person to “sit up straight, feet on the ground, grab the rope with two hands, and get ready to pull at the count of three…” Now most people will slip into role, though some will refuse the “rope.” I suspect some folks fear being embarrassed; others don’t know exactly what’s going on and perhaps are less adventuresome or just want to retain control.

With invisible rope in hand, and the other individual beginning to tense, in anticipation of our face-off, at the count of “two” and beginning to mouth “three,” with both our muscles straining, I suddenly let go of the rope. And then ask, “What just happened?” With a sheepish look, the other person usually feigns falling backwards. While I minimize any embarrassment by saying, “I better start running; I can tell, this guy (or gal) is probably coming after me.” There’s a Keystone Cops quality to the interaction, and frequently we have a laugh.

“Drop the Rope”: Fast Food for Thought

However, this rapid-fire role play may well provide some powerful insight. (Actually, the interplay also sets up a discussion on the “Six ‘C’ Dynamics of Power Struggles” and a power struggle exercise involving the entire audience. Email stressdoc@aol.com for details.) How do you not take the bait when someone is provocatively fishing for an argument or power struggle? The challenge becomes not instinctively pulling back when someone offers you a rope and then “yanks your chain.” You don’t have to prove you can give (or be) as big a jerk. In fact, you can just “drop the rope.” This is not a sign of weakness. Not wanting to play this self-defeating or dysfunctional game, you can say with energy and conviction, “This tugging back and forth isn’t working for me, I don’t know about for you? Can we come up with a more productive way to address your grievance or solve our problem?” Power comes from voicing your integrity and not being afraid to set limits and boundaries, e.g., exercising self-control.

Through the “pulling the rope” exercise, my colleague came to realize that in her own dysfunctional circumstance while the power struggle rope didn’t really exist she was accepting and struggling with the entrapping bait. She was not only disempowering herself but giving her boss more power than he actually had. Learning to “Drop the Rope,” to let go of “being right” and getting past the palpable “unfairness” (in an environment that was not interested in engagement, justice, reform…or fairness) was critical to extricating herself and achieving “R & R”: not simply “Rest and Relaxation” but actually “R & R & R” – knowing when to “Retreat and Retool” before deciding when, where, and how to “Return” to her organization.) This realization was part of her evolving empowerment and eventual liberation process. (Also knowing that the power is too one-sided, sometimes you need to call in an objective third party. And if this option is not available…alas, you may need to be updating the old resume.)

Real Relief and Belief through Grief

Frequently, this kind of letting go, seeing past the blinding outrage, only comes with some grieving. When feeling unfairly judged, maligned or the subject of subterfuge or basically being “forced out” by a dysfunctional person and/or situation, it’s hard not to experience being out of control, or seen as injured or invaded. It often takes courageous tears of “feeling your sorrow” (as opposed to “feeling sorry for yourself”) to cleanse wounds of hurt and humiliation, if not revenge. As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.

And once you are mostly past the teeth-clenching unfairness and/or the ego- or dependency-fueled rage, grief compels a quiet time and soulful space for “how did I get myself into this mess” reflection and for “where do I go from here” support, planning and action. As widely-admired 20th c. Algerian-French author and philosopher, Albert Camus, observed: Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position; or detested person, as it were] has obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

A Pawn or Partner in the Power Game

As I said, the spark from a colleague in the context of recent counseling experiences conjured an image of power that was both very interactive and turned the forceful, superior-subordinate dynamic on its head. But my perspective was not simply shaped by recent encounters. Over the years, personal and professional roles and relations have confirmed an “ability” and “empowering influence” as a careful and understanding listener. If patient, attentive and authoritative listening is foundational, then the first floor is a capacity to engage through “good questions.” More than ever, in a hyper-speed and distracted world, it is vital to connect to and elicit other peoples’ beliefs and ideas and emotions. And a communicator who models laughing at one’s flaws and foibles while enabling folks to believe they have been genuinely seen and heard wields a gentle yet subtle power. This semantic “power” threesome – careful listening, sensitive questioning, and mutual laughing – fosters a sharing that allows one party to feel it is safe to be temporarily dependent and vulnerable, to trust the other’s ability and authority within the context of an honest and open, a non-manipulative and mutual partnership. Individuals and groups often feel energized and more “empowered” to act.

Contemplating “Inspiring Power and Partnership,” two perspectives on power relations emerge:

1. Partner Power. I’m calling the use of domineering force or intimidating notions of strength and control, where exploiting, manipulating, bullying, pulling rank, or “using” the other is the typical mode of interaction, “Pawn-oriented Power.” Conversely, “Partner-oriented Power,” an open, increasingly secure and solid relationship climate based on a non-coercive, “give and take” sharing of power, tends to evolve over time when both parties recognize the value of and possibility for:
a. the gradual belief that it is safe to share one’s vulnerability or self-doubt, while still having one’s emotional strengths and resources affirmed,
b. a relationship capable of both interdependency and appropriate dependency; naturally, the person feeling most vulnerable (or capable) is subject to change with shifting sands of time, circumstance, health, motivation, ability, skills, and resources,
c. careful and compassionate, analytic and empathic, head and heart listening,
d. often followed by selective, emotionally sensitive and thoughtful, responsible and responsive “good questions” and the meaningful exploration and engagement with the other’s perspective and point of view,
e. the appropriate use of “self-effacing” humor (reflecting a sense of humility, humanity and openness); remember, as the Stress Doc penned: People are more open to a serious message that is gift-wrapped with humor,
f. the option, after careful listening and exploration, of making tentative suggestions along with recommendations grounded in firm conviction and tangible action steps while still being receptive to counter-feedback and diverging perspective,
g. engaging in mutual discussion as well as respectful, real and candid disagreement (candor can be assertive and genuine, yet still enable a person to save face when strategically tactful or sensitive to the other’s self-esteem and identity; such candor is preferred to honesty used as a weapon to demean and demoralize),
h. recognizing and respecting basic experiential, personality, and cultural differences, and, finally,
i. the understanding that following the above psychological and communicational map of engagement often paves the way for the evolution of trust.

Actually, these steps provide another power pathway – “Partner Power.” The ongoing evolution of trust may be the most vital and dynamic interpersonal process for building or strengthening a relationship. It is certainly foundational for forging an ongoing supportive, strategic and, especially, a synergistic alliance – whereby not only is “the whole greater than the sum of the parts” but the free flowing communication, camaraderie, and creative interplay between or among the parts means these “parts can evolve and transform into partners.”

2. The Interdependence of Partner Power. While trust may be a consequence of “Partner Power,” a willingness to risk and trust may also provide an infusion of power into a partner. Though there may be a decidedly more vulnerable party, nonetheless, from a “give and take” perspective both individuals are part of the shared and evolving power equation. Let me explain. First, I knew a person’s vulnerability is often crisis-driven and thus time-limited. While a person’s strengths may be partially eclipsed by momentary depletion and self-doubt, they are usually still clear to my way of perceiving, thinking, and listening. Momentary feelings of self-doubt or helplessness don’t necessarily foreshadow long term hopelessness or dependency, especially if the vulnerable party can reach out for support in a timely fashion. During the “crisis window” the individual is feeling disoriented and defenses are lowered. However, this state of vulnerability often opens a person to new problem-solving approaches along with expanded support systems and resources in order to regain control and psychic equilibrium. While crisis is a time of danger, it is also an opportunity for significant or surprising, if not creative and synergistic, problem-solving and growth.

But the new insight, or perhaps it’s more a reframe, is that the vulnerable person still carries considerable power, especially within an ever evolving and reciprocal relationship where one person may be “better or worse” at a moment in (or for periods of) time. A healthy partnership recognizes the fluid, seesaw-like nature of a relationship, and creates a climate where vital issues, including personal vulnerability as well as differences in strengths and competencies may, and sometimes must, be explored and even tested. This “being periodically put to the test” is likely necessary for meaningful trust, real reciprocity, and interdependence to evolve, not erode, over time.

As mentioned, feeling entrapped in a web of change, conflict, and crisis may heighten one’s perceived vulnerability, including a need for more personal sharing along with a caring ear and shoulder; such uncertainty or confusion may motivate a search for guidance and resources. (Alas, a rigid, “fight or flight” Rambo or Rambette coping pattern may preclude reaching out. It’s why I say strong silent types often get more ulcers than Oscars!) Still, for a healthy, functional partnership, when one party is under duress, is the other party viewed as a caring and competent resource capable of responding effectively? For example, in my coaching work, does the other party trust that I am trustworthy? Is the other person comfortable with the common and dissimilar ways we share and engage? Is he willing to allow me incremental access to some of the recesses of his mind, heart, and even his soul? If I’m able to accept and patiently listen to my own painful and vulnerable memories, emotions, and life experience, without being too quick to assess, diagnose, or judge, intimate sharing is more likely to proceed. Especially, if I can ask questions that say to the other, “I truly want to know your ideas and experience,” that is, “I want to understand your pain and passion, purpose and power (and/or lack thereof).”

And being stimulated by such important and intense sharing invariably heightens and hones my concentration and insight, my intuition and empathy. The vulnerable party-partner (despite a doubting self-image) is a courageous and an integral player in an interactive process that infuses me with energy, humility, and emotion as well as moving me to both analytic and compassionate engagement. The intimate-vulnerable other has helped unleash my power, has given me license to share my authority, ability and influence (mostly as a skilled listener and occasional problem-solver), to support and empower. Clearly, unlike “Pawn Power” which often exploits dependency, role and resource discrepancy, or lesser status, “Partner Power” creates a two-way, ebb and flow transfusion that ultimately empowers both parties.

Closing Summary

This essay has provided a hierarchical listing of various meanings of the word “power” – from power based on coercion to power bases on persuasion. At the same time, even a negative conception of power can take on a positive and empowering tone when self-directed. Moving beyond the abstract, power is examined through the lens of real world interaction or at least role-paying simulation. Learning to “drop the rope” and “letting go” through grief sets the stage for paradoxically transforming feelings of loss into new possibilities and pathways of power. Finally, contemplating “Inspiring Power and Partnership,” two perspectives on power relations emerge: 1) “Partner Power” (in contrast to Pawn-oriented Power), including the psychological and interactive steps essential for its development, and 2) “The Interdependence of Partner Power” – whereby times of crisis vulnerability often motivate one party to risk and open up emotionally and also infuse power into the other party along with eliciting a readiness to provide support. This crisis interdependency provides uncommon if not synergistic problem-solving opportunity for both parties…parts may be able to transform into partners!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Art of Letting Go: Freeing Up Grief, Defusing Power Struggles and Inspiring Flow

The phrase “letting go” has long been a vital part of my stress management overview, especially related to breaking the “erosive spiral” of that all-consuming “b”-word. (When it comes to stress, actually, a number of emotionally charged “b” words jump to mind, for example, “botox,” or when you have a BMW colleague, which I recently learned stands for an individual constantly “Bitching, Moaning and Whining.”) Now, of course, I’m talking about burnout. As noted in “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go” – because you’ve invested so much time and money, energy and ego in that one right person, position or possible outcome – so that you cannot or will not step back and consider new perspectives, resources or options…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair.

I’ve come to appreciate three key arenas – psychological-interpersonal-motivational –in which “letting go” is critical for rebirth, resolution and resilient risk-taking, i.e., for generating new direction, a more daring focus and a revitalized determination, both for yourself and for others. And appropriately enough, the first two arenas of “letting go” stimulate your “Inner GPS,” providing a map and tools for "Engaging with ‘Grief’ and ‘Power Struggles'."

1. Letting Go as the Key to Freeing Up Grief. Consider my Mobius Strip mantra: “One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin.” In paradoxical, yin-yang fashion, every beginning or separation contains its own seed of endings or returns; every ending or return has a beginning and separation seed lying dormant. Any transition, whether stirring rage or resignation, rejoicing or relief is a dynamic, ongoing mix and flux of endings-wanderings-settlings-separations and potentially-eventually new beginnings and returns. And in turn, every new beginning eventually comes to an end, once again providing both a fresh or unexplored landscape and mindscape of “danger and opportunity.” Having the courage and support to face the acute emotions of this ever twisting and turning transition –such as fear and anger, helplessness and hopelessness, panic and paralysis, and/or mania and melancholy – makes it more difficult to deny the swirling, shifting currents, makes it harder to merely tread water. Letting go and grappling with grief enables you to embrace and retrace, if not gradually replace, the past with new or reenergized purpose and passion. As I once wrote:

Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

And what helps ignite the mystical or, at least, the mythical?

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.

And if you can risk confronting that roaring river of pain – an often confusing rush and reliving of past and present emotions and memories – and over time can survive the occasional eerie stillness, the oftentimes tumultuous white water passage of grief, then you may arrive at a place more light than dark, a new transitional harbor offering some hard-earned healing and wisdom along with newfound maturity and opportunity.

According to Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Helping people engage with the emotional vulnerabilities, uncertainties and pain inherent in loss and major transition, that is, grappling with the psychological ramifications not merely with the changing physical realities – managing a new operating system, relocating an office, merging departments or divisions, etc. – is the foundational first step in the journey of evolution.

As renowned, 20th c. medical pioneer, Jonas Salk, declared: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than you are fearful; being trusting just one more time than you are anxious.

2. Letting Go as the Key to Defusing Power Struggles. In the heat of interpersonal battle, why is it so hard to let go? In addition to the fact that we’ve been engaged in such struggles most of our life (certainly toilet training was an early testing ground), power struggles definitely can set off some emotional “hot buttons.” Here are key psycho-social-cultural dynamics that impede stepping back and attempting to reengage more effectively – "The Five ‘C’s of Power Struggles”:

a. Control – who has control, who is in charge?; this relates to the authority-status-power dimension, whether in the workplace, e.g., supervisor-subordinate relation, or the parent-child family dynamic; however, sometimes control needs are driven less by role considerations and more by aggressive messages and actions; consider my take on the covert motivation of the dysfunctional “strong silent type”: “For me to be strong you must be silent!”
b. Competition – another family dynamic – sibling rivalry – or competition; who is the favorite who is better?; it’s easy for these issues to get acted out in the workplace as well
c. Change – times of change raise levels of uncertainty and anxiety; not surprisingly, at these times, many people have a greater need to be in control of their environment, including other people
d. Cultural Diversity – surely, different perspectives, values, customs, expectations, etc., forged by cultural upbringing and experience can contribute to misunderstanding and standoffs
e. Communication Skills – do the parties have the communicational competence to negotiate conflict and find “the pass in the impasse”?

Understanding the emotionally charged nature of these dimensions may allow for a cooling off period, at least for the person who can “let go.”

When the Other Party Won’t “Let Go”

My metaphor for letting go in an interpersonal context is “dropping the rope,” that is, acknowledging to the other party that the tug of war or words is not working for you. Dropping the rope is not a sign of resignation or intimidation. When declared up front, “letting go” opens another problem-solving pathway. Of course, real life is not always so rational; actually, it’s often more psycho-logical! As a recent workshop participant painfully declared, “What if the other person – a colleague at work – won’t let go of the argument; tries to call you out for wanting to cease and desist even after a reasonable attempt at problem-solving?” It was clear the workshop attendee’s blood pressure was rising even as she spoke. My response was brief and to the point. “Let the individual know that you are taking a time out from this back and forth (to this point unproductive, from your perspective). You are neither afraid of him nor are you giving up; in fact, you will get back to him the next day. However, if the two of you cannot resolve your differences, you are not going to continue this head banging. You will call in a third party; you are not going behind anyone’s back. But you will insist there be some form of mediation.” Her energetic “thank you” told me “message sent was message received.”

So letting go doesn’t mean losing or giving up; it involves stepping back, presenting new perspectives and approaches, while reaffirming interpersonal boundaries as well as your personal integrity. And in a letting go process, at a particular juncture, you may have to accept that meaningful resolution may be out of your individual control. And you can live with this!

From GPS (Grief and Power Struggles) to Intimate FOE and Inspiring Flow

We’ve examined letting go both from a poignantly psychological perspective and from a power struggling and defusing one. Now let’s consider letting go from the vantage point of self-acceptance and meaningfully touching and moving others. My “four word” small group exercise hopefully will prove illustrative. It’s pretty basic: “Share an embarrassing moment.” And the room invariably goes through a metamorphosis – from somewhat anxious silence to uproarious verbal outpourings and animated nonverbal gesturing and posturing. One story cascades over another: “That was good; now let me tell you about my experience!”

3. Letting Go as the Key to Inspiring Flow. I especially like using this exercise with folks in leadership positions. Why is that? The exercise helps remove the “having it all together” or “always being in control” mask. One may have to risk revealing a vulnerable aspect of self. Yet, lo and behold, not only don’t people think less of you…hearing your story evokes knowing laughter, a genuine empathy (“not only have I walked in similar shoes, I can feel your bunions”), and even some admiration for your courage to share. I call this “Confronting Your Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.” And as previously noted, the storyteller becomes a risk-taking role model; one vignette inspires another, invariably becoming more animate and passionate with each telling.

Making Room for Cultural Diversity, Mutual Humanity and Authenticity

Such unguarded sharing also reminds us that some experiences, like embarrassment, are universal and helps underscore our mutual humanity no matter how diverse our cultural backgrounds. Perhaps most important, for a precious moment in time, it breaks down artificial rank and status barriers between people, allowing for more personal and intimate connection. (For example, when the military wants a free flowing team exchange, despite the presence of “superior” rank in the room, they may hold a “Helmet’s Off” meeting. In fact, I have done facilitation work with army and air force units; my interactive exercises help them to better “walk their team and trust building talk.”) Remember, in a healthy social environment, not one simply manipulated by Big Brother media, machinations or mayhem, most people place their hopes and trust in authentic individuals whom they come to know through real give and take relationships. People identify with an imperfect yet accessible and courageous leader more than an unfeeling iconic statue.

A Closing Leadership Mantra and Message, Method and Model

Here’s a final leadership mantra: Learn to “Let Go”: Turn Your Intimate FOE into Inspiring Flow! People want to connect with real and risk-taking leaders. They too want to laugh at their flaws and foibles, to painfully learn from yet also playfully laugh in the face of failure…to finally let go of that incessant critical voice. Many want to taste and touch this potent, idiosyncratic and liberating energy and spirit. For when you bring both head and heart, when you simultaneously project a purposeful and provocative, passionate and playful message and presence, you become a magnet; people are drawn to your energy and essence. (Consider my expansion of a saying passed on by a battle-tested salesman: “Logic Tells and Passion Sells. And ‘Passion Power’ Compels.”) Yet, ironically, if your motivation is unselfish, you will help others become less afraid of speaking up, if not of breaking out and breaking away. Remember, from its biblical origins, spirit is “the breath and flow of life,” hence spirit’s connection with “respiration” and “inspiration.” So if you are determined to:

a) rebuild your purposeful and passionate, newfound possibilities fire,
b) not be distracted or constrained by draining and unproductive power struggles, and
c) embrace and share your imperfect humanity while breathing life and energy into others…try the Stress Doc’s CPR method – be a model for “Creative-Passionate-Risk-Taking” (CPR) Leadership…Grieve, Let Go and Become the Flow.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.