The New "R & R": Now the Stress Recovery & Resiliency Work Begins

As the government shutdown comes to an "end," alas, for the short-term, there's nearly as much looming uncertainty as there is immediate relief.  What's needed are supportive -- "High Task and Human Touch" interventions to:

1) help folks recover from the recent tension and chaos,

2) rebuild some sense of trust, transparency, and team spirit, and
3) develop stress resiliency-psychological hardiness skills for managing anxiety and positively responding to future changes.  (See below, the "Four Skills-Strategies" that distinguished Psychologically Hardy from Vulnerable Ma Bell Execs during the traumatic break-up of the company thirty years ago.)

Shortly after the Navy Yard tragedy, I sent out a proactive training program recommendation.  One response was from a colleague at the FBI's Training Division, Quantico, Virginia:

Hi Mark,

To answer your question, yes, this is a much needed program. However, no one has any funding to pay for such a program right now. We are still facing 2014 budget cuts and the potential of weekly furloughs.

To put it simply, things are a mess with the federal government right now.

You could contact some agencies to try to get your foot in the door by possibly offering some free or very low cost programs. That would be my recommendation. If you could sell agencies on the cost benefit to them – e.g. the value of healthy, less-stressed employees as far as productivity and reduced time off.  [And the chance of preventing or reducing trauma-inducing hazardous work environment incidents.  This individual requested her name not be used.]

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So this is my offer to do a "free or very low cost program" for your branch, division, or agency.  I have outlined a Stress Resiliency program for Metro Transit leaders and employees that I've been doing for several years.  (Also, I'm a former Stress, Violence Prevention. Team Building Consultant for the US Postal Service.  I've also done numerous Stress & Team Building Leadership Retreats for the US Military.)

Please email or call with any questions or ideas.  The "Shootings and Shutdowns" program offering is follows the Psychological Hardiness section.

Best wishes and remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin

stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com
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Psychological Hardiness

Psychological hardiness is a concept developed by Dr. Suzanne Kobasa and her research team while studying the health of AT&T executives during the stressful breakup of “Ma Bell.” Some execs were having a hard time physically and emotionally, while others were coping effectively with the transitional storm. The hardiest executives demonstrated what I call the “Four C’s of Psychological Hardiness”:

a. Commitment.  The hardy execs while not crazy about all the changes were still committed to doing really good work.  They also were committed to finding work-life balance; they were not spending long nights at work hoping they would be rewarded for self-sacrifice.

b. Control.  These effective execs understood that they would have to let go of some real control; they did not bury themselves in their silos, but were more open to exploring new assignments and role-responsibility shifts.

c. Change.  The most stress resilient were able to release considerable control as they understood that “change happens.”  These individuals were quicker to grieve their loss, perceived or actual.  They were also quicker to jump into new learning curves; and did not fight being an uncomfortable beginner.  I would say their personal mantra; I’m a learner not a loser!

d. Conditioning.  The hardiest execs engaged in regular aerobic exercise or physical conditioning.  Not only does exercise help you stay fit, manage your weight and improve your endurance and cardiovascular health, but it also releases mood-lifting bio-chemicals, a good antidote to mild feelings of agitation and/or depression.  Also, when everything’s up in the air--you can’t seem to close any projects or meet elusive deadlines--structured exercise provides a self-defined beginning and endpoint, for a tangible self of accomplishment and control.

How about instituting a wellness/hardiness program or competition among departments, with some team rewards at the end of the challenge?

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Day-long Stress Resiliency Training for Leaders

In the past year or so, I have been periodically doing a series of one-day Stress Resiliency programs for Managers and Supervisors at Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  (I have been doing training programs for WMATA for over fifteen years.)  Usually, there are about five to a dozen attendees.

Topics covered include:

> stress smoke signals/pathways and burnout stages
> 6 "R"s of Burnout Recovery/Prevention
> work-life change challenges and losses
> unfinished grieving and engaging "grief ghosts"
> 4 "R's of PRO Relating:  Being Respectful, Real, Responsible, and Responsive
> acclaimed relaxation-visualization exercise
> Natural SPEED Formula for stress resiliency and brain agility

However, the biggest tool is the open, supportive, and honest interaction among participants; we create a therapy-like atmosphere with strategic and compassionate facilitation.  And a touch of Stress Doc humor.  People feel safe with the intimate level of sharing.  As one Supervisor noted:  "I never thought I would be able to discuss my personal issues in the workplace!"

The response has been dramatic and almost uniformly terrific.  Only one time did an individual question whether it was safe to be open about "personal" issues.  We subsequently engaged this concern with all members, and reached consensus -- each person would share at his or her level of comfort.

Three constants:  1) many folks are vigilant about burnout, 2) almost all in the workplace are engaged with some form of loss that has not been sufficiently grieved, contributing to anxiety, smoldering anger, and depressed feelings, and 3) this lingering loss impacts productive energy, focus, and the quality of workplace relationships.  The bonding among participants is palpable.  Many "take home" a new "stress buddy."

The workshop also has a prevention component.  I can quickly identify those who might benefit from an EAP or counseling referral.  And because of the relationship developed and head work-heart work-homework already done, people are receptive.

I wonder if this might not be a valuable tool for a wide-variety of employees, especially for leaders or leaders-in-waiting.

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Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™: Shootings and Shutdowns: Once Again On the Edge
or
http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2013/10/shootings-and-shutdowns-once-again-on.html

Shootings and Shutdowns:  Once Again on the Edge

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, LICSW

For many in the Greater-Metro DC area, the close proximity in time and space between the Washington Navy Yard tragedy and the Government Shutdown travesty has only heightened a sense of vulnerability.  Of course, none are more impacted than Federal Employees.  Yet, even if not a Fed, so many folks in this region are connected to the federal government for their livelihood and well-being.  Holding the government hostage has wide-spread and profound ramifications.  Individuals and families are once again living on a political and psychological precipice.

As a friend and federal employee passionately noted after the Navy Yard horror, some system-wide support, including timely information updates, more than just water cooler discussion, would have been vital to help federal employees cope with their own emotions as well as the status of family, friends, and colleagues.  In her shop, “no one talked about their feelings or concerns…I was praying for families and friends.”  And one suspects she and many others are praying such a rampage does not happen again.

Also not surprisingly, this current intersection of crises stirs memories related to previous shutdowns or threats as well as previous shootings (e.g., the sniper-related reign of terror back in 2002).  Grief ghosts will likely be walking the halls and cubes of government buildings as well as in basements and warehouses for the foreseeable future.  Employees won’t just be burnt up; many will be feeling burnt out!

When this brinksmanship finally ends, there will be numbers of employees who will not be able to return to “business as usual.”  While some individuals may benefit from counseling services through the federal Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), federal agencies can send a much more positive and proactive message.  Agencies need to recognize the normative nature of trauma-induced or trauma-related stress as well as the tension inherent in repeated exposure to critical uncertainty.  Large numbers of people may need time to vent and share with their colleagues, including the need for some communal grief work and emotional/team support. We recommend the following intervention/prevention steps to positively move people through this challenging if not crisis-riddled time:

1.  Management Training:  Helping managers and supervisors understand the impact of the challenges and crises hitting federal employees today, including the likelihood of stress-induced or trauma-like echoes.  Also, we know that individuals who are carrying around their own personal pressures and tensions, not related to the recent upheavals, can become more anxious, feel more out of control, during such a stormy period. Such training will enable management personnel to more compassionately, effectively, and efficiently recognize and reach out to individuals needing more collegial or professional assistance.  This training would also help managers facilitate some team sharing and support.  Of course, some of the management personnel may need their own counseling, coaching, or emotional support.  Again, some folks are still uncomfortable reaching out to the EAP.  This strategic step would provide an additional resource.

2.  Employee Support.  Two forms of employee support quickly come to mind:

a. All Hands Meetings – this would provide some of the content mentioned above; again, it’s a way of helping the branch or division, as a community, to gain vital information and to acknowledge the recent confusion and chaos; sharing and grieving is seen as normal and natural; a 30-60 minute session seems appropriate

b. Support Groups – these groups would be voluntary and smaller in number (based on Mark Gorkin’s experience as a stress and critical incident consultant, group size should not exceed fifteen).  And, if given sufficient time, say one half-day, some productive grieving and individual/team healing can occur.  And this setting will enable a trained facilitator to identify and encourage individuals needing more emotional support to seek appropriate assistance.

The bottom line:  Through no fault of their own, federal employees are caught in a political crossfire.  Eventually, appropriate follow-up debriefing and/or additional support will be needed.  The above interventions will help employees be more resilient in managing the aftermath of these stressors; people will sooner be able to productively resume their missions, roles and responsibilities.  And in contrast to the factions of dysfunctional stalemate, federal management will be perceived as a constructive force for the greater good. 

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, “The Stress Doc” ™
Stress and Critical Incident Consultant

stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com

Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home
3 Steps to Overcome Procrastination Video -- http://vimeo.com/73783964
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Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc leads one-day "Stress Resiliency" workshops for "METRO" Managers and Supervisors of the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  "The Doc" is also a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company.  Mark leads highly interactive, innovative, and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.  And click https://vimeo.com/69053828 for the Stress Doc's wildly pioneering "Shrink Rap" video.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"

Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II: Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!

Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. This essay will connect emotional losses that linger and loiter and the negative energy that sows shadowy ghostly seeds. Both conditions are impacted by feelings of loss and unrecognized grief which provide a crucible for the gestation of a spectral presence the Doc calls “Grief Ghosts.” Comparing and contrasting the two concepts will help individuals and companies better understand how both burnout and burn-in can set in motion an “erosive spiral” that undermines: a) personal health and motivational focus, b) interpersonal communication, connection, and cooperation, as well as c) team and system productivity. Are you and your company or organization ready for some Workplace Griefbusting?


Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II:
Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!

Thinking about loss factors and being a member of that AA group, Alliterations Anonymous, I couldn’t help but coin the “Eight Dramatic-Depressive ‘D’s” – Death, Disability, Defeat, Damage, Dysfunction, Disillusionment, Disruption, and Disorientation. The “D”s are significant events or experiences infused with bio-psycho-social and/or economic loss. When they are cursorily connected to or disconnected from the process of grief then psychic ground is being laid for restless and roaming if not haunting post-traumatic reverberations. Over time, this hovering, lingering, loitering sense of loss, still not acknowledged or embraced, more often shunned, morphs into alienated grief, or what I call grief ghosts. Burn-in grief ghosts sit heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. (Actually, in light of the number of Boomers who are showing signs of dysfunctional cognitive deficit, I’m on the verge of expanding my “D” list to include premature Dementia. Causing so many levels of loss, this disease is especially haunting for the individual still aware of its debilitating and dependency-inducing effects and, of course, for family members in caretaker roles.)

Let me illustrate some recently encountered “grief ghosts” in my Grief Counselor role for a young government employee and father instantly killed in a “head on” vehicular collision on the way to work. (A big truck crossed over a highway dividing line.) While the employee’s tragic death was the immediate catalyst for the request for a consultation, many of the folks encountered were on what I call the emo-existential edge because of their own long-lasting, lumbering ghosts. A common yet psychologically complex and multifaceted shadow now brought to light was the ghost of stormy marital or intimate relationship past, even one of seemingly ancient history – especially when tensions and tearing down had eventually become a staple of the relationship. Not only were many searing memories connected to the loss-divorce of a spouse or mate who invariably defied simply being loved or detested, but loss involved both the loss of one’s role and identity as a partner, that state of disruption and disorientation. Actually, research indicates it’s harder to emotionally grieve the death of a spouse from a troubled marriage than a mate from a healthier one, perhaps because the interaction of the former was a breeding ground for an array of disturbing ghosts.

In addition, even family of origin voices, often of an all too familiar and manipulative nature – that game-playing, blaming, or shaming variety – may once again overtly reverberate in this volatile land- and mindscape’s “echo-system.” Not surprisingly, this relationship rupture was frequently a shock to a person’s core self-image. And when lingering and especially long-standing, festering subterranean grief collides with crisis tremors, there’s a spectral outpouring of mythic-like effect. Akin to a band of vultures spewed from the bowels of the earth, myriad ghosts arise and circle ominously on a now haunted horizon.

A Swarm of Ghosts: Case Vignette

During the above workplace crisis/grief debriefing, one County Supervisor quickly conjured up multiple ghosts from differing time periods. Interestingly, as I was wandering the office halls, making myself visible, this Supervisor was trying to convince a colleague to have a grief debriefing session with me. Not surprisingly, I had to track her down in her office before she would agree to talk. The first riveting revelation was of an older sister killed in the 9/11 World Center attack. The violent death of her colleague likely heightened the connection to her sister’s horrific demise. Her eyes quickly watered; not surprisingly she expressed surprise. But for me most noteworthy, alas, as many are wont to do, she was also apologetic for her overflow. Which begs the question: Why do so many apologize when they unexpectedly cry? My hypothesis is that: a) the bereaved individual feels it is a sign of weakness, that is, she should have basically “gotten over it” by now, b) believes he or she is imposing their vulnerability upon or discomforting the other party, or c) the bereaved individual believes the other person views the crying as a sign of weakness; of course, this assumption may be correct, however, it may also be a projection. (In fact, crying is your emotional wellspring. When crying out of hurt, fear, or sadness (or even joy) the mind-body becomes a safety valve and cleansing process; emotional tears not only let off pressure and tension but also literally flush out accumulated stress toxins.)

This woman also recalled the stormy interaction and termination of a troubled marriage, its impact on the kids, as well as her decision to retrain professionally, eventually uprooting from family in New Jersey to take her current job in Maryland. Another reason for her volatility was that just a few days before, a somewhat close friend in his late 50s died of a heart attack. And when I asked if she had anyone to talk to at work or on the outside regarding her litany of losses, she shook her head. Over the years, the advice received from most people was, “It’s time you got over it.” Clearly, her support system was on the verge of extinction; all work and little play seemed to be sowing low grade depression. After explaining the propensity for past pain to be dredged up by crisis, I made three suggestions: a) keep grappling with the ghosts, there’s no time line for “getting over it,” b) “fight for what you need” (a mantra that she insisted would shine forth from her screensaver), and c) consider some brief EAP counseling to help with a) and b).

Connecting Loss, Transition, and “The Stages of Grief”

As sad and tragic as they are, the unexpected deaths of her friend and of her colleague have also provided a poignant opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box of grief. And while numerous furies rush out, invariably sowing some chaos in their turbulent draft, many forget that the final spirit out of the box was “hope.” So consider this Stress Doc mantra: Grieve, let go, and grow with the flow!

From a common sense perspective, grief is “the cause (and expression) of intense, deep, and profound sorrow, and other strong emotional outpourings involving a specific event or situation” (Encarta Dictionary) triggered by a significant loss or disruptive change. We often connect loss and grief via the premature death, incapacitation, or separation of a parent, child, grandparent, sibling, or any close relative, friend, or colleague. However, as sketched in Part I, grief may be a byproduct of broad array of experiential and psychological losses and transitions. Particularly when the death, damage, defeat, disability, disillusionment, disruption, or disorientation (or even acknowledged dementia), is sudden or unexpected, this triggers or sets the psychological platform for a grief reaction or response. At minimum, the individual is often thrown into an early grief state-stage, such as “shock” or “denial.”

The critical question regarding a grief process is the degree to which an individual gradually and meaningfully navigates or superficially and dismissively circumvents the various stages. Do you periodically visit and revisit (or shun and block out) the complex of emotions and memories surrounding a major or significant loss? Do you admit the daily impact of diminished mind-body functioning and grieve what was in order to adapt to and explore new potential and possibilities? Does the individual over time pursue in depth journeying (from group sharing to personal reflection-journaling) or avoidance and distraction (or maladaptive numbing)? The answer will likely either generate grief growth or germinate grief ghosts.

I will use the timely theme of job/career disruption for illustrating the “Stages of Grief” and the process of grappling with the psychological component of change, i.e., the threat, loss, and challenge of “transition.” Here are:

The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times

With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the present danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser, and better supported-connected through genuine grief.

As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

A soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career transition-confusion, and uncertainty. So here are "The Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief":

1. Shock and Denial or “This Is Not Possible” or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!

2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" or “What Will They Think Now?” Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, bullied, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.

I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?

3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed, and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.

Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes, albeit powerful ones, than a judgment upon you.

4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" or “Making a Pact with the...Spiritual.” The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity, and esteem) can become louder and more incessant; self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain and demoralize you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle. It’s no longer “black or white”: you are not simply “evil.”

Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.

5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful, and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend (and temper) rage with sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-defeating behavior, e.g., “shooting your self in the foot” or “putting that proverbial foot in mouth” than it does to "Going Postal!"

If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen – if not untie – the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) some doors again.

6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy, and/or money in this position, partner, or one possible outcome…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other? Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a one-trial learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues, or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, your energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Grief and depression can be easily confused as loss and sadness are common to both. One possible differentiating factor to consider: depression often involves internalized anger, and the energy needed to hold down an angry eruption further contributes to an exhausted-depressed state. During a grief process one’s anger, whether rational or not, is eventually acknowledged, the “cause” of the anger is more objectively if not forgivingly perceived. Aggressive energy is eventually transformed into more purposeful if not passionate focus and direction. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout, and/or depression.)

Finally, remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with caring or kindred spirits. As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

Part III will examine key existential questions that have bearing on the development of and recovery from both burnout and burn-in. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

Hi,

Well, here's the latest mindblast. It's a concept that I think has real relevance for many organizations, including the military. The title: "Bringing Productive Griefbusting to the Workplace: Transforming the Cost of Grief Carriers and Grief Ghosts on Your Mission, Morale, and Bottom Line." It's a bit wide-ranging and maybe rambling. Still, I think it has some valuable concepts and, I think, some of my best writing. Would love your ideas, especially the practicality of instituting such a program in the workplace.

Thanks,

Mark
stressdoc@aol.com

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P.S. Here's a brief note from the consulting firm for whom I did the grief intervention:

Hi Mark,

"Things have stabilized at the County. I am still waiting to hear back regarding the proposed Grief/Loss training series. As soon as I hear back, I will be sure to keep you posted regarding any training opportunities for this group. I know that if they decide to schedule the series, they would prefer you to return."

SK
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Once again I’m reminded of how lingering grief sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls; and yet this hulking ghost is often barely recognized in a “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world. Actually, this psychic specter has the potential to both trigger volatility and be emotionally draining; its energy-consuming presence not only flies under our psychological radar but, not surprisingly, often escapes rational understanding. Limited awareness has definite consequences for our physical and emotional well-being, as well as for the health and harmony of our essential social groups and systems – for example, a capacity to form and sustain effective “hi task-hi touch-hi tolerance” relationships, especially vital in today’s diverse workplace. Preoccupying ghost-like grief, especially if outside conscious awareness, invariably contaminates the ability to manage conflict constructively with authority figures and colleagues as well as customers. Also, people who are “ghost carriers” often become “stress carriers” and “time wasters,” distracting themselves by getting into other people’s business. Persistent grief will eventually compromise productive performance and team cooperation-coordination. (And as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant with the USPS, my gut and experience tells me that a good percentage of workers who “go postal” are likely grappling with inner demons and ghosts.) How can organizations and companies address this disruptive phantom? Can you do early detection through preventive orientation? Maybe it’s time for a Griefbuster to walk your office halls, work floors, and warehouses or, at least, to supplement an EAP or Employee Wellness Program.

Let me provide some background on a recent tragedy which evoked an immediate sense of loss for all personnel in the workplace. However, ironically, for untold numbers, I suspect, the most powerful disturbance involved mostly muffled emotional echoes from both the recent and distant past. One morning I received a call from an Employee Assistance Program/Organizational Consulting firm. Could I respond to a same day Critical Incident/Stress Debriefing at a county agency? An employee driving to work had been instantly killed in a head-on collision with a large truck that crossed the roadway dividing line. Tom (all names are fictional) was a very popular employee whose line of work brought him in direct contact with many fellow employees. Most tragically, Tom was in his mid-30s; he and his wife had two young boys with whom Tom was exceptionally close. Employees invariably cited the close-knit nature of the family and, especially, Tom’s love of coaching his boys in various sporting activities. Tom’s brother (Joe) presently works for the same county agency. (Not surprisingly, during my abbreviated “tour of duty” Joe was with his extended family.)

Stress Doc as Grief Counselor

My two-day role as “Grief Counselor” was multi-pronged: a) initially, briefly addressing the entire staff, affirming the naturalness of being in shock or feeling numb, angry, confused, helpless, or sad; there is no one way to grieve and no way of predicting when and how feelings might come out – whether as a trickle or a rushing stream, b) sitting with stunned groups of people, encouraging sharing or silent reflection, whatever the preference, including informally sitting down with Tom’s work crew, (at least with those not opting for management’s offer of administrative leave), c) meeting with the Director and Senior Management to help them process their emotions and discuss ways to best approach and support their personnel; also the Director solicited my ideas for his imminent call to Tom’s grieving widow, d) formally meeting with Tom’s brother’s work crew, to help these self-described “macho” big-equipment drivers and operators not only acknowledge their grief emotions but to solicit their questions and ideas how best to relate to Joe when he returns to work, and e) to meet privately with individual employees who wanted one-on-one counseling.

With my opening paragraph regarding the unacknowledged yet palpable presence for many of “unfinished grief,” a section of this essay will focus on grief role e), that is, how my individual meetings brought to light various employees’ “ghosts of grief.” Parenthetically, I must add that when it comes to significant loss, grief is never finished or resolved, nor, from my perspective, should it be. I will elaborate on this shortly. However, right now, I want to spotlight two grief points that emerged from my discussions with: a) the Director in anticipation of calling Tom’s wife and b) the crew regarding how to be around and engage the deceased’s brother, Joe. Actually, these points begin to illuminate “the connection between grief and ghosts.”

1. “What if I say the wrong thing?" In times of grief, especially involving unusual, shocking, and horrific circumstances, people, themselves feeling bewildered and bereft, often don’t know what to say to the bereaved. At the same time, most folks are uncomfortable feeling at a loss for words or overwhelmed by emotion, and want to express their shock or sorrow (both to console others as well as for their own subliminal need for stress relief). Not saying anything doesn’t seem right. Yet, in the face of this confusion and contradiction, not surprisingly, there is a near universal fear of “saying the wrong thing.” What is a concerned yet conflicted individual to do?

Three steps for appropriately sharing your grief:
a. Trust Your Gut. It’s perfectly okay to articulate what you are actually experiencing, e.g., “I’m shocked; I just don’t know what to say.” Being real is most important. It’s fine to simply be present with eyes beginning to water. In addition, nonverbal communication can be vital here: look the person in the eye, unless their behavior, for example, lowering their eyes, says otherwise. While different cultural or religious mores may establish behavioral-spatial limits, it’s usually permissible to gently touch a mourner on the arm to show your caring, connection, and support. Unless you have a close relation with the bereaved, let the latter dictate any other physical support, for example, giving a hug.
b. Be Humble. One mistake some people make when talking with an active mourner is exclaiming, “I understand what you are going through.” First of all, unless you almost literally have had a kindred, “Ground Hog Day” experience, you have not truly or painstakingly walked in the other’s shoes. And second, there’s no way to fully comprehend or intuit the array of emotions (or degree of numbing or both) of the bereaved. Some of my insight comes from having a girlfriend who lost a nineteen year old daughter in a car accident about fifteen years ago. The only person from whom she would accept the “I understand” phrase was a parent who had also lost a child. Much better to humbly and more honestly say: “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
c. Be Available. Finally, let the mourner know that you are available with an ear, shoulder, or a hug when and if they want one: “Just give me the word.” You can also ask such questions as, “Is there anything I can do?”, “Can I run an errand or cook something for you and the family?”, or “May I call or stop by in a week or so?” These offerings affirm your on-call presence while respecting the bereaved individual’s need for time and space.

2. Don’t turn the dead into a ghost. As we’ve seen, being able to acknowledge empathically a powerful loss takes sensitivity and humility. Depending on the emotional state of the bereaved, timing is also a critical factor. Take your cue from the bereaved; especially the individual’s nonverbal communication will help you assess whether she is ready to talk about herself or the deceased. However, over time, it’s important to bring up the memory of the deceased – whether you are a direct family member, a close or even casual friend, or a member of common community. For example, according to the County Agency Director, the wife of the deceased employee was having an open house. She wanted Tom’s colleagues to come by and tell stories or share memories of her husband. In yin-yang fashion, this woman seems to intuitively grasp the need for both animated tears of sadness as well as ones touched with knowing laughter for propelling us through a grief journey. As my girlfriend has mentioned numerous times, her biggest fear is that people will forget Cecily…that her daughter becomes a fading ghost instead of a living memory or vital image and a surrounding mind-body-soulful spirit. So talk about the deceased when the person in mourning is ready; it’s not a burden, it’s a blessing!

The 3 "M"s: Memory, Mourning, and Memorial

However, it’s not simply the obviously grieving individual who benefits from the sharing of memories. As a therapist who has done grief counseling over many years, for me, having the courage to periodically remember and openly mourn, if not memorialize, the loss of loved ones, both from the near and distant past, helps keep their internalized emotional presence and spiritual essence alive within a psyche and soma. And personally, this involves significant loved ones with whom I invariably have both positive and painful emotional memories. And it shouldn’t take a terrible tragedy for us to be reminded of this worldly and other-worldly wisdom.

Actually, we can learn from the military – Memorial Day and Veterans Day are institutionalized days of recall and remembrance with the potential for personal-spiritual, family, and even community renewal. (For numbers of folks, especially minorities, I suspect Martin Luther King Day serves a similar function.) And some religions and cultures are more attuned than others at reviving if not revering the spirit of one’s ancestors. Why not integrate an analogous ceremony in such normative settings as schools, religious institutions, or in workplaces, and not simply on a once-per-year basis? (Of course, I’m thinking on a deeper psychological level than inspirational posters or even a stirring speaker at a town hall-like meeting.)

Presently, though, I must confess my celebratory musings reflect a touch of the absurd, for example, what about a ritual that integrates two cultural-media icons – the Charlie Brown character and the Seinfeld sitcom? How about a “Good Grief Festivus” for the rest of us? Or what about this new vocation for the Stress Doc: as Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd decades earlier snapped up the Ghostbuster title, how about the Stress Doc as Workplace Griefbuster? (Informally, I’ve already, donned the mantle of Stressbuster.) But seriously, my recent work, again, reminds me of the widespread need to help folks engage in major psycho-spiritual reflection and transition, one that can potentially turn the haunting into the healing – transforming lingering, loitering, and long-lasting ghosts into living, learning, and liberating grief. In other words, how can we help a self-defeating ghost carrier find the courage to become a productive grief warrior?

Waking Up to Grief and Ghosts

While it has been a background awareness for many decades, it took my father’s recent death and my writing about his tortured and triumphant life and our emotionally distant, then stormy yet open and loving then, once again, distant and critical and, finally, with death hovering, some return of a mutually understanding and forgiving relationship, to more knowledgeably grasp how “grief ghosts” walk and stalk the chambers of so many minds, hearts, and souls. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for my essay of remembrance, “A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man” or click on http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/07/requiem-for-last-angry-man-sons-eulogy.html). An awareness of the extent of lingering grief was sparked by the emails received in response to my requiem. After offering much appreciated condolences, almost universally, each reader mentioned a personal loss – whether recent or distant – that was still being harbored in an uneasy, if not somewhat stormy, port of recall. And several readers envied (quite warmly, actually) my ability to track and capture that father-son rollercoaster relationship. When ready, they too wanted to embark on such an exploratory quest, to dig deep with their own evolving, hard-earned voice to unearth and embrace the ethereal mix of ghostly shadow and substance

Grief often involves the loss of a loved one (including a pet); it can also be triggered by the unexpected loss of a key position or opportunity. In response to a RIF (Reduction in Force), I recall a manager-in-training exclaiming: “I once had a career path…then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it.” Grief may be conjured by memories of a time and place or of a socio-cultural ambiance that touched one deeply and can never quite be replicated or replaced. For example, having savored the multi-layered tastes and colors, the sights, sounds, and smells, the “oddball and outcast” spirits of the Big Easy in the ‘70s and ‘80s, having come out of the creative closet during my “American in Cajun Paris” years…I genuflect at the mantra: Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans! And at least as poignant, fantasies about “childhood innocence” (or “good enough” parenting, shelter, friendships, or stability) lost through death, separation, and abandonment, or through frequent or painful uprooting from a family home, or a childhood contaminated by chronic illness, family trauma and abuse (e.g., living in a substance abusing family system)…all potentially are fertile ground for the raising and restless roaming of psychic or post-traumatic ghosts.

Lingering, Loitering and Long-lasting Grief Ghosts: Image and Impact

Before illustrating some grief counseling ghost scenarios, let me shed light on the term “grief ghost.” Basically, as a replacement for the questionable notion of “unfinished or unresolved grief” (for a significant loss, as mentioned earlier, grief should never be truly finished), a person with ghosts means the presence of three grief states:
a) a “lingering grief ghost” signals some emotional hurt or dirt in the psychic wound needs to be washed clean with tears or wind swept with reflective sighs, to be disinfected by the light of day; defensive reactivity or passivity may be a warning smoke signal,
b) a “loitering grief ghost” means that one has seemingly closed one’s head and heart, has been avoiding or numbing painful memories and emotions for a prolonged time period, and the moldy moody wound is seriously festering and distressing your functionality and health; look for signs of insecurity, apathy, or depression, and
c) a “long-lasting grief ghost” means that the memories and pain are basically locked away, never to be openly engaged. The festering wounds are sealed in by an impenetrable callous. While a person may for a time appear crusty and hard-edged, what likely will prevail is a ghostly gangrenous pallor.

The moral, however, is clear: even when seemingly a distant memory, if the loss was once significant, grief must be meaningfully embraced with palpable emotion, recollection, and mourning. (And meaningful mourning, whether alone or with others, may range from a time and space for quiet reflection or dream interpretation to an outpouring of eerily primal, animal-like wailing or engaging the pain through creative-expressive immersion, e.g., dance, painting or poetry.) Disengaged or alienated grief turns a once living and breathing, inspiring, and/or infuriating important person or emotional period in one’s life into that lingering, loitering, or long-lasting ghost. And as previously noted, the longer the lingering ghost walks alone, isolated, unrecognized, denied, dismissed, or shunned, the heavier the emotional toll and loitering fine. (Insert Hamlet’s Ghost here.)

Ghostly Voices: Haunting Ourselves, Hurting Others

And once the image and memory of a loved one fades into ghostly status, any positive life giving or affirming characteristics in that once meaningful now disconnected relationship starts drying up. That former significant other loses his or her power as a role model or psychic transfusion-motivation-inspiration source. (Alas, the negative energy and critical voices from the past are often interred in our bones and brain when not released through grieving.) Over an extended time, the loitering ghost’s critical emotional voice, while often still operating at a subterranean decibel level, gets louder and louder, gets more emotionally shrill and accusatory, especially as we encounter new work-life-family transitions, performance-role challenges, and potentially intimate relationships. The more I hear a person declare, “The last person I’ll ever be like is my old man,” the surer I am of a haunted psyche.

Remember, restless, rejected ghosts make us susceptible to dysfunctional conflict as we displace onto others old hurts and humiliations along with compensatory hubris. Ignoring the reality of being quietly consumed by past grief-personal ghosts contaminates an ability to engage and fight objectively, constructively, and, certainly, with compassion those supposedly difficult people in our present. This increasingly weighty, wearing, and wary shadowy phantom subtly yet chronically drains us of vital energy for work, play, and love. And alas, in todays “always on” and “do more with less” 3-D technology “driven-distracted-draining” world, it’s harder and harder to carve out and protect such essential grief space-time. Still, external obstacles are surely not the whole story; many are simply leery of entering the dark and deep labyrinth of grief, afraid of discovering a shadowy monster within.

Bringing Ghosts to Life: Workplace Examples

But, let us make a foray as I illustrate some recently encountered grief ghosts in my Grief Counselor role. As sketched earlier, while the employee’s tragic death was the immediate catalyst, many of the folks encountered were on what I call the emo-existential edge because of their own long-lasting, lumbering ghosts. A common yet psychologically complex and multifaceted shadow now brought to light was the ghost of stormy marital or intimate relationship past, even one of seemingly ancient history – especially when tensions and tearing down had been chronic. (And invariably, people were always surprised, and often apologetic, for their emotional eruption, complete with hot streaming tears.) Not only were many searing memories connected to the loss-divorce of a spouse or mate who invariably defied simply being loved or detested, but grief involved both the loss of one’s role and identity as a partner. And even family of origin voices – often of an all too familiar manipulative game-playing, blaming, or shaming variety – reverberated in this volatile land- and mindscape “echo-system.” Not surprisingly, this relationship rupture was frequently a shock to a person’s core self-image. When lingering and especially long-standing, festering subterranean grief collides with crisis tremors, there’s a spectral effect. Like a band of vultures, multiple ghosts circle ominously on a now haunted horizon.

Seriously debilitating health issues or the death of a parent, child, or of a grandparent, or any close relative, not periodically remembered and engaged through grief, naturally, has ghostly potential. The premature death or incapacitation of a sibling is also an emotionally charged loss. During a recent grief session, one County Supervisor spoke of a sister killed in the 9/11 World Center attack. (I would imagine the violent death of her colleague heightened the connection to her sister’s horrific demise.) She also recalled the stormy interaction and termination of a troubled marriage, its impact on the kids, as well as her decision to retrain professionally, eventually uprooting from New Jersey to take her current job in Maryland. Actually, this woman was really on the edge because just a few days before, a close friend in his late 50s died of a heart attack. And when I asked if she had anyone to talk to at work or on the outside regarding her litany of losses, she shook her head. The advice she got from most people was, “It’s time you got over it.” Clearly, her support system was on the verge of extinction; all work and little play seemed to be sowing low grade depression. I made three suggestions: a) keep grappling with the ghosts, there’s no time line for “getting over it,” b) “fight for what you need” (a mantra that she insisted would shine forth from her screensaver), and c) consider some brief EAP counseling to help with a) and b).

Cultural Clutter Undermines the Griefbuster

“It’s time…” or “Turn the page; just look forward” or “You have to move on”…common exhortations of a society and culture that doesn’t understand that the past is never really over. (And for folks with a “strong silent type” or “don’t air dirty laundry” upbringing or later socialization, who equate almost any emotional display with weakness or foolishness, you know who you are, you Rambos and Rambettes swearing by that psychic stain remover – “Grief Be Gone!”)

Actually, your life is like a book; you can build upon and use early chapters as an essential and fundamental map for life-long travels and/or see those early models and mandates as outmoded if not outrageous attempts at mind-body-spirit control. And perhaps with (occasionally without) the help of a friend, tutor, or mentor, a counselor or coach, one may recover repressed pain, rebel against the once formidable teachings and preachings (or selectively sift through the mind-field), hopefully discover your passion and develop self-discipline, and start reworking those pages into a “coming of age” novel or “one’s own genuine voice” and pathway of self-redesign. While those formative chapters are not set in stone, they still are, for better and worse, a structural – bio-psycho-social-cultural – foundation. And especially if you wish to launch or liberate yourself from the primal visions, voices, and vices, then understanding and applying the process of Griefbusting, that is, transforming ghosts into rejuvenated energy and spirit through active and creative mourning, is a necessary and critical step.

The Carly Simon Syndrome: “I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain”

And alas, naturally, for many there is another cultural barrier and psychological obstacle that must be surmounted for lingering-loitering ghosts to be transformed through living grief: the everyday refrain, I just don’t have the time. Consider this recent example. An African-American woman, in her 50s, who exudes compassion as a Human Relations professional, after some encouragement, agreed to an individual grief session. Once again, the discussion quickly moved from the death of her colleague to a series of personal losses of a distant and recent nature. The death of her dad was most prominent; he died just six months earlier. Not only family, her dad was also her pastor and mentor. And now with his unexpected death, pressure is mounting to fulfill his mission and oversee the congregation. (She too is trained in the ministry.)

It also didn’t take much for tears to well when I asked about her mother, a best friend who died eight years earlier. And as she more actively tends to the physical-emotional-spiritual needs of her congregants, she realizes some serious caretaker burnout is starting to set in. All the stress has her seriously thinking of early retirement. (She already walks with a cane.) When I asked if she has a shoulder and ear in her life, not surprisingly the answer was “Not really. People look to me as the strong one.” And when I suggested that she might want some Employee Assistance Program (EAP)-sponsored emotional counseling-career coaching before making a final decision about retirement, she seemed wary. Yet eventually she recognized the irony: “I’m always encouraging others to seek some kind of counseling, but I don’t have the time myself.” She also was nervous about making time for reliving her grief pain. However, I finally got through with an altruistic appeal: “The hard-earned knowledge you’ll gain by exploring and better understanding your loneliness and losses, this wisdom you will share more personally and deeply with others.”

Closing Summary

Grief sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls; and yet this hulking ghost is barely recognized in a “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world. However, when ignored, in a workplace, persistent grief will eventually compromise productive performance, adversely affect employee morale, along with disrupting team cooperation-coordination. How can organizations and companies address this ominous phantom? The context of Grief Counselor during a recent workplace tragedy brought to light both grief “do’s and don’ts”: steps for overcoming the fear of “saying the wrong thing” and not turning “the dead into a ghost.” Examples of current and possible ways of engaging in “Memory, Mourning, and Memorial” ceremonies were cited. Also, defined and illustrated were three types of “Lingering, Loitering, and Long-lasting" Grief Ghosts. Finally, two workplace scenarios highlighted a pair of socio-cultural messages-obstacles to effectively engaging grief: “It’s time to move on” and “I don’t have time for the pain.” Look for future writing on ways to shrink burdensome ghosts down to size through living, learning, and liberating grief. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Eight Humor Styles in Action: Building Stress Resiliency with Interactive Humor – Part I & II

Eight Humor Styles in Action: Building Stress Resiliency with Interactive Humor – Part I

After writing a 9/11 Anniversary essay (“Ten Years After: A Personal Remembrance of Sep 11th – Strategies for Grieving, Surviving and Evolving": (http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/09/ten-years-after-personal-remembrance-of.html), my basic Yin-Yang nature kicked in: here is an essay on eight styles of humor. The early-mid 20th century pioneering film-maker, artist and comedienne, Charlie Chaplin, would approve of such a dramatic-comedic shift. According to Chaplin, The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy.

The humor styles are paired in “Four ‘H”” polarities: Healing-Hostile, Harmonizing-Harpooning, Humanizing-Higher Power, and Humbling-Heroic. (Forgive my alliterative, categorizing compulsion. An Israeli friend thinks it’s in my cultural-religious-“Talmudic scholar” DNA. I believe it is part addiction-part geographic location, i.e., having resided in the Metro-Washington, DC-federal government nexus for twenty years, I’m the founding member of a new twelve-step AA group – Acronym’s Anonymous!) My hope is that by differentiating the applications of humor, more people will find and explore a style or styles suited to their temperament, taste and tactics. This is hardly an academic exercise. Daniel Goleman, acclaimed author of Emotional Intelligence, has discovered that the most effective managers employ humor three times more often than their less capable counterparts. So let’s get to work by examining definitions and differentiations.

Defining Humor and Wit

a. Humor recognizes the absurdities in everyday situations along with the incongruities in our personal make-up, and playfully embraces or pokes good-natured fun at our fears and foibles. It often has a silly, non-verbal component exaggerating voice tones, facial gestures and body movements. Humor may be drawn out for effect. I liken it to letting the air out of a blown up balloon, and watching it crazily circle, sputter and plop. Of course, pushed way beyond human limits it may go from the silly to the ridiculous.

b. Wit quickly and imaginatively expresses the connection or analogous properties between things seemingly dissimilar, improbable or contradictory. America's original humorist, Mark Twain, said it best: "Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation." (Now whether this coupling will produce any brainchildren…) Wit is highly verbal tending toward a sudden, sharp edginess (which, alas, can easily go over the healing edge into hostility or ridicule.). According to Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit." Think of wit as sticking a pin into that inflated balloon (or a puffed up ego). An example of concise wit, perhaps, is my self-invented title of "Psychohumorist" ™. (Of course, I let folks decide where the emphasis on that word should go. Sometimes the fine line between wit and humor fades into the head work. ;-)

Humor

Saying funny things
What is being observed
Strong nonverbal component
Slow, physical exaggeration, silly
Letting air out of balloon (sputtering)
Extreme: ridiculous

Wit

Saying things in a funny way
What is being mentally constructed
Highly verbal
Quick, sharp, surprising analogies
Sticking pin into balloon (deflating)
Extreme: ridicule

Finally, an ability to integrate humor and wit may just strengthen our resiliency while helping civilize the world.

Here are illustrations of the 4H(2) Humor Styles:

I. Healing-Hostile Humor

A. Healing.

1. Absurdity to the Rescue. The first example of healing humor actually has a 9/11 context: upon reopening after the tragic events, the BWI airport hired Groucho Marx impersonators to banter with the crowds waiting on line to help reduce understandable traveler anxiety. The absurdity of it all struck a positive nerve and facilitated a much needed emotional release. As psychiatrist and humor authority, David Fry, noted, “Laughing with gusto is like turning your body into a big vibrator, giving vital organs a brief but hardy internal massage.” Others have likened full-throttled laughter to “inner jogging,” as it releases chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine which have a mind-calming, pleasure inducing effect.

2. The Face-Saving Yet Ego Affirming Defense Mechanism. Healing humor not only helps transform order (and disorder) into the comically chaotic and cathartic, but it is based on ego strength and the awareness of limitations, not simply on anxiety-driven self-deprecation. Such a humorous perspective reflects a loosening of inhibition and lowers the volume of rigid or judgmental inner voices. This humor also looks at life events the same as everyone else and bravely if not ironically may see something different. For example, the early 20th c. French novelist, Anatole France, upon turning 75, looking in a mirror, observed: "Mirrors just aren't what they used to be."

This is not a passive stance but an active one, providing "Triple A" stress relief insurance:
a) Aggression. There's a confident, if not somewhat competitive, component to self-effacing humor. It tells an audience or an antagonist, "I can poke fun at myself even better than you can poke fun at me." Or, "You only know the half of it…my pain, my cleverness, etc."
b) Affirmation. When audiences laugh warmly at such humor, they vicariously acknowledge their own shortcomings and, most important, are likely admiring the humorist's display of openness and courage.
c) Acceptance. The ability to expose flaws and foibles often is a tangible sign of self-acceptance; perfect performance has been replaced with the modus operandi of purposefulness and playfulness.

No less an authority than Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis and a student of humor, recognized the power of this “highest defense mechanism.” For Freud, the capacity for mature humor – by which he meant internalizing the “parental” encouragement of our efforts and the gentle tolerance of our failures – is perhaps the greatest gift such figures (whether actual or cultivated inner voices) can bestow upon a child…or a “Healing Humorist” can share with a colleague. Of course, sometimes those “parental voices” come with a little static.

3. Share and Smooth with Edgy Humor. Consider a “healing” example that involves a ritual of sending humorous cards to family members, especially to my parents. The cards are particularly effective because they capture or play upon a certain tension that exists within the relationship. A recent Mother’s Day card said, “To the woman who helped me become the man I am today.” The opened card continues: “Of course you have to take some of the blame!” Being able to poke a little fun at us both and also share the laughter definitely continues to smooth some of those rough edges in the mother-son tie.

B. Hostile.

1. Even Cutting Humor Can Heal. Here's a classroom vignette pitting me against a demoralized yet demonizing antagonist that raises two key questions: First, there's the issue of "is message sent message received?" As will be evident shortly, this question needs to be considered within the psycho-social-cultural context being used by different parties to interpret the meaning of certain actions and to attribute the motivational stance or bias of certain actors? Next, did my overt and covert counterpunch fulfill my intent: to disarm hostility and preserve harmony without being harsh or hurtful? Let me illustrate. I was leading a two-day Stress Management workshop in Salt Lake City, Utah for a federal government agency that was experiencing interpersonal tension and morale problems. The first day seemed to go well. The most tangible evidence was that the next morning a few folks initiated buying donuts for all forty participants. So a variety of donuts were being distributed before the class formally starts. All of a sudden, a male audience member, who later identified himself as a Mormon, began vehemently protesting: "You call yourself a stress expert, and you're going to allow them to pass out those donuts; with all that fat and sugar!"

I was taken aback. I acknowledged his beliefs and his concern for the nutritional issues as regards physical and psychological well-being. (A few years earlier, for a legal magazine, I had written about changing my diet and exercise regimen. I always liked the title of the article: “Hard Realities vs. Hard Arteries: Fat Food for Thought.”) Before I could finish, our pedantic protester cut me off, continued the challenge, and then declared: “How can I trust anything you say about stress, when you take such a hypocritical position!” Trying to be reasonable, again agreeing with some of his concerns, still I recognized the buying and sharing of donuts as a real form of social nurturance and support. Both of these are important for relieving stress and building emotional health and group morale.

Our nutritional moralist seemed undaunted. I also realized that this ongoing confrontation was agitating the entire group, though no one said anything. I didn’t want to lose control of the atmosphere of positive learning and sharing, nor did I want the audience to lose trust in my capacity for leadership. The tension reached a critical point. I reflexively went into a self-effacing survival mode and replied with maybe a shade too much impatience and irony: “Well, I guess the only way I can justify my behavior is to paraphrase the American philosopher, Ralph Waldo Emerson: ‘[Too much] consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.’”

A woman from the audience fairly shouted, “That’s a good one.” The confrontational standoff was over. My antagonist was disarmed and deflated. At the time, I mostly thought I was poking fun at myself to get Mr. Moralist off my (and the audience’s) back. But in hindsight, I wasn’t simply self-lampooning, but was also wielding a witty (albeit unconscious) weapon. A more direct message could have been: “Obviously, you are not pleased with my approach. I wish it wasn’t creating such doubt. I’m willing to talk more during the break or at lunch. However, right now I have a class to lead, and we all need to get down to work.” And if this still wasn’t sufficient, that is, if the individual could not cease and desist, I would then have to ask him to leave the room until he was ready to participate in a non-disruptive manner.

Today, when I share this story with counselors, educators, or trainers, a number gasp, groan, or grimace. I truly did cut down Mr. Mormon in public. I was not psychologically correct, for which I have conflicting thoughts. And yet, in the spirit of embracing contradiction, my counter ultimately had a healing effect. By the afternoon, Mr. M. could venture out of his crusty shell, this time without fighting dietary demons or Stress Docs. With the help of a group exercise, he began to acknowledge to the entire class his intense feelings of work burnout. This out of character level of honesty and vulnerability was made possible by disarming his previous offensive defensiveness. And it garnered him, not the moral high ground, but down-to-earth emotional sustenance and problem-solving support from colleagues (who had been inhaling his burnout fumes for months).

The moral: By momentarily disarming an antagonist (perhaps with a tad more antagonism than consciously intended, but without malicious intent), while still pursuing understanding and healing, you can improbably both set limits on and also support a “stress carrier.” The “too much consistency” message (and an audience member’s enthusiastically aggressive second), defused the threat to our learning environment. It also eventually short-circuited a self-defeating burnout-blowup cycle and opened a path and process for honest sharing along with some healing, collegial empathy and acceptance: the competence of the leader, the working integrity and harmony of the group along with the humanity and social standing of a wounded participant are all reaffirmed. And by mixing caring and confrontation...you can even (symbolically or moderately) eat donuts!

II. Harmonizing-Harpooning Humor

A. Harmonizing.

1. Using the Anger of Grief to Rebuild an Alliance. Freedictionary.com first two definitions of “harmony” are: 1) “agreement in feeling or opinion; accord: live in harmony” and 2) “a pleasing combination of elements in a whole or order; or congruity of parts to their whole or to one another”: color harmony; the order and harmony of the universe. Years back a Federal court was automating its record keeping system and was experiencing some opposition from a number of employees. This was especially true for those most affected by the change in a key data form. Not surprisingly, employees had not been consulted. The obvious emotionally charged questions: why weren’t the folks in the trenches, the ones most directly involved with the informational processing changes, consulted about operational dynamics and consequences? Why isn’t our experience respected and our perspective valued?

Instead of only focusing on employee resistance to change, I challenged management to examine their one-sided decision-making process. I also thought employees were grieving, that is, experiencing feelings of loss, both of a familiar mode of operation as well as the loss of job control and sense of professional authority and autonomy. After discussing the managerial missteps, I shared a "pass in the impasse” aha! with the court leadership: "Let's have a 'forms funeral.'" All employees would have a chance to bemoan the loss of the old, express concerns about new procedures and, most important, criticize “unilateral” authority for not initially seeking employee input. Not surprisingly, this novel, perhaps somewhat absurd communal catharsis broke through the barriers both to accepting change and to participatory decision-making. We also began healing some organizational wounds. In Yin-Yang fashion, honest expression of aggression and acknowledgement of missteps along with a pledge for more participatory decision-making produced tangible accord. Even more significant, though, there now was a basis for organizational synergy: not only is the whole potentially greater than the sum of the parts, but ongoing collaboration will generate a new congruity – transforming seemingly disrespected and disconnected parts into more respectful and actively coordinated partners.

The metaphor of a “Forms Funeral” might well resonate with the early 20th century disabilities pioneer and universally-acclaimed humanitarian, Helen Keller, who observed: The world is so full of care and sorrow it is a gracious debt we owe one another to discover the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks. On a more pedestrian level, a healing humor that also harmonizes not only encourages an ability to walk in another’s shoes, but may enable all parties to acknowledge and feel each other’s bunions! When orchestrated humor helps a) affirm professional identity, b) break down social-cultural barriers, c) productively resolve conflict and d) facilitates two-way understanding through the embrace of a mutual mirthful metaphor illuminating how “we’re all in this rite of passage together,” there’s a “higher power” at work and play.

B. Harpooning.

1. Bending the Roles to Regain Resilience. My conception of “harpooning humor” has little do with an Ahab-like obsession. I’m not looking to kill the whale; the objective is to lance and momentarily silence a big, blubbering, babbling ego and “shrink” it down to a less bombastic or bullying scale. And you don’t always need a visible target, only one in the mind of the beholder. Consider this vignette. The first involves a very challenging moment in a workshop with nurse supervisors and their administrator. These professional women were itemizing tensions and frustrations with their primary "stress carriers"...the mostly male doctors. (A "stress carrier," by the way, is someone who usually doesn't get ulcers, just gives them!)

Perhaps I had become the symbol of the male species, for the administrator, voicing the group's anger, impatiently cried out, "What happens if you're just tired of always accommodating these physicians; of being the one who has to bend? Then what do you do?" Listening between the lines, I heard, "Okay, Mr. Expert, let's have your revelation."

Believe me, at this point, divine intervention seemed like my only hope. Fortunately, only time froze and not my brain. "How about this," I blurted out. "Tell the physician you may not be your normal cheerful self today. When he questions 'why not?' say, 'I hurt my back.'" I paused. "Now when the doctor asks, perhaps somewhat haughtily, 'How did that happen?' in a most humble manner reply, 'I'm not sure, but I think I've been bending over backwards for too many people, lately.'"

Well the women roared their approval. A psychiatrist, Kris Ernst, once noted: "what was once feared, and is now mastered [even if only in one’s mind; remember, “Conceiving is Believing”]…is laughed at." Of course, the Stress Doc’s converse applies: "what was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master."

2. Turning the Bait into Playful and Purposeful Bite. Sometimes you are baited into an ongoing interpersonal battle; transform your goal into “bait and switch” – lampoon both parties and calmly leave the scene with laughter in the background. As a mid-'90s Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant at a large US Postal Service Processing & Distribution Plant walking the workfloor was commonplace. (Believe me, humor was not a luxury.) One day, I came upon a couple bantering, seemingly playfully, if not a bit seductively. A collegial chorus was also present. The back and forth turned increasingly provocative when the woman suddenly mouthed the "f u" expletive while throwing her antagonist the proverbial finger. The onlookers quickly warned the couple about me: "Be careful, this guy is the 'Company Shrink.'" Then the guy egged me on: "Now what do you think about what she just did?" With tension building, I nervously paused, then rallied: "What do I think? I just think she thinks you're # 1," and walked off with collective laughter behind me. (A vital humor skill: learn to playfully bite the hand or hands that feed you!)

The remaining pairs of humor styles – Humanizing-Higher Power and Humbling-Heroic – will be illustrated in Part II. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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Eight Humor Styles in Action: Building Stress Resiliency with Interactive Humor – Part II

III. Humanizing-Higher Power

A. Humanizing.

1. Paradoxical Perspective. One way of employing “humanizing humor” is to capture the seemingly contradictory or paradoxical nature of our species. For example, consider my one “holiday” joke that distinguishes the familiar phrases, “holiday blues” and “holiday stress.” Now holiday blues is the feeling of loss or sadness you have when, over the holidays, you can’t be with those people in your life who have been or are special or significant. And holiday stress…is when you have to be with some of those people!

2. Surprising and Provocative Links in Context. A second manifestation of this humor is taking natural, emotionally charged aspects of being human and then playfully linking them in an unexpected, if not witty, fashion, a fashion that may tweak convention. Remember, you often need to be sensitive to your audience’s comfort threshold and be cognizant of cultural context, especially when wading into provocative areas, like sex or religion. For example, when I moved from "devil may care" N'Awlins to politically conscious if not correct Washington, DC I had to rethink carrying over a stress workshop closing punchline: "They say laughter is the best tension reliever and sex is second…So if you're having funny sex you're probably in good shape!" (In fact, one New Orleans conference group expressed interest in bringing me back to give a talk on “Funny Sex.”)

However, politically cautious DC audience dis-ease eventually required using a different close, one that played on a familiar adage. I now stress the importance of "The Serenity Prayer": "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies!" (Okay, so you can take the boy out of "The Big Easy" but not the irreverence from the boy.) And even with this closing, I’m conscious of context. With a military audience, I modify the last phrase: “and the wisdom to know where to hide the…money!”

3. Both Self-Effacing and Self-Affirming. Humanizing humor helps me accept my flaws…with a little attitude. For example, as I've middle-aged, I occasionally take jibes about my hair loss. I firmly remind the moprakers that, "You should have more respect for my hair. It was recently placed on the World Wildlife Federation's endangered species list!"

4. Bridging Humanity and Cultural Diversity. Little did I know that such a playful yet feisty attitude about my hair (or lack thereof) would one day morph into a truly powerful response in a highly charged social setting, i.e., with a racially divided jury. Employing humor to resolve contemporary cultural conflict is dicey. Nonetheless, by carefully exploring the face-saving power of self-effacing humor, you just may discover a small "pass in the multicultural impasse." Let me illustrate. Several years back, I was on jury duty in Washington, DC. An African-American male in his early 20s was accused of selling cocaine to an undercover African-American policeman. Our jury consisted of nine African-Americans and three Caucasians. Tension was building as we deliberated upon the case. In particular, a number of the African-American jurors questioned that the police had mishandled a piece of the evidence. (To me, this piece of evidence did not appear critical in establishing the fact of the alleged sale.)

Based on the increasingly pointed and heated discussion, it was clear that most of the African-Americans were leaning toward acquittal. Two other white jurors and I along with a black middle-aged male were swaying in the opposite direction. After an informal poll and more frustratingly fruitless attempts to influence each other's position, a middle-aged black woman next to me cries out, "Well, it seems that the white folks and this one black guy are holding us up." Suddenly, this black male juror jumps up and stares hard at his accuser, i.e., the accusation being that he's just going along with "whitey." Then, in an agitated, increasingly loud voice, he challenges back: "What are you trying to say? Just what are you trying to say?" The room crackles with tension. The African-American forewoman seems paralyzed.

Now, a young black woman, on my other side, with long, pretty braids anxiously blurts out, "This is ridiculous. All we're doing is pulling our hair out." The electricity and anguish jolt me into action. I fairly shout, both at my neighbor and the others, "Hey, that's not fair. You have a lot hair more than I do." There's a startled pause...then the room erupts with laughter. The forewoman eventually says, "Guess we needed that. Now let's get back to the facts of the case." And we did, in a respectful and more tolerant manner. While we ended as a hung jury (six to six, by the way) we didn't finish a racially hung up one.

Closing Points. Escalating tension is ripe for humor intervention. And when the tension is driven by cultural concerns, if used carefully, humanizing humor can play a powerful healing and harmonizing role as its universality transcends diversity. A self-effacing humor intervention that absurdly pokes fun of one's own flaws and foibles may just sneak under that too sensitive "political correctness" radar and allow the warring parties a stress relieving laugh. And the group can productively return to the task at hand…status quo ante bellum.

B. Higher Power.

1. We’re All in the Same Ark. Unfortunately, tension continues among many diverse groupings, and not just those within the human variety. According to Walt Kelly, creator of the classic cartoon, Pogo, “civilized man” is not only a danger to his own species…but endangers many others as well, including “so-called” wild animals. And while I’m not sure that Kelly was a conservationist, his cartoon certainly has timely relevance for all manner of intra- and inter-species relations. Consider his down-to-earth “higher humor” perspective. One gloriously sunny day, Kelly’s protagonist, Pogo, a warm-hearted possum, and his cynical catfish friend, Porky, are lazily boating down the Okefenokee Swamp. Porky avers, “I must say God did all right…but he should have stopped just one day sooner.” Pogo replies: “Don’t be so misanthropic, Porky. If it wasn’t for human beans life wouldn’t have so many laughs.” Porky’s immediate retort: “It wouldn’t need as many!”

Being human, we need the laughs, especially from a “higher and humanizing humor.” As quoted in Part I, according to film pioneer and humorist, Charlie Chaplin, “It is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy.” With a touch of prophetic irony, the Pogo cartoon encourages some knowing laughter but, more importantly, Kelly is asking the human animal, one of God’s mighty, if not almighty, creatures, to engage the planet and its various inhabitants with a bit more humility.

2. Let’s Get Literal. Southwest Personnel also integrate humor as part of their daily “high-in-the-sky” routine. For example, I recall a flight in which a steward was giving the standard safety orientation on seat belts, emergency exits and oxygen masks. Now I suspect many listen a bit apprehensively or try to tune out the familiar speech. However, this professional humorist got everyone’s attention when he calmly noted, “As part of our trip will be over water…in the unlikely event this flight becomes a cruise your seat cushion is removable.” There was a palpable pause, then a wave of laughed rolled down the aisles. This ironically playful “reframe” decidedly produced some unanticipated stress relief.

3. Encourage Disarming, Daring and Defiance. With an oppositional predisposition to question or lampoon the conventional and the self-righteous and/or armed with a “higher truth” you are often ready to embark on a path that may be grand or grandiose (or maybe both. Hopefully, yours is a non-fundamentalist or fanatical truth.) The challenge: caught in an ego entangled, thorny dilemma or steeped in honor-bound, “b.s.”(be safe) tradition, can you employ a humor that removes blinders, helps others see what they can’t or won’t see, upholds diverse sides, and appreciates life’s subtleties, absurdities or possibilities. According to creativity guru, von Oech, Sacred cows make great steaks!

Actually, the struggle involved in dismantling or surmounting that sacred wall has the potential for generating uncommon vision and vistas along with fresh pathways and processes. (Of course, some of us have been around long enough to know that at times there may well be a fine line between vision and hallucination! ;-)

To see and think anew not only means getting out of the box; sometimes the box may have to be torn down or blown up. As one of the giants of 20th century art, Pablo Picasso (a man of many, and not always endearing, paradoxical qualities), observed: Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction. (Here’s where the humorless fanatic can be quite problematic: When your goal is to create an absolutely pure or “righteous” standard or society, then anyone viewed as not being one with the in-group is quickly judged to be “unpatriotic,” perhaps an “Illegal.” Or another’s differences are not simply perplexing but are deemed threatening or sinful and must be shamed and condemned; sometimes the sinner must be eliminated not just lampooned or excommunicated.)

For me Picasso is not talking about destroying individuals but about breaking away from outmoded ways of sensing and conceptualizing. You often have to disrupt habit chains or decisively challenge “less tried and now accepted as true” assumptions in order to “see what everyone else has seen and think what no one else has thought” (Albert Szent-Gyorgi, Nobrl Prize-winning scientist). And while the tearing down, explosion or breaking apart process may be painful or scary, it paves the way for two essentials for creative exploration:

1) it clears the familiar playing field; you have a new (or mostly clean) canvas to work with and
2) it often induces a state of uncertainty and confusion which may drive you to perceive and build fresh, perhaps even fantastic, connections or relationships among the seemingly disjointed or random ideas and/or elements in your head or problem-solving field. As Mark Twain noted, “wit” loves to discover, play with and combine the unexpected: Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. Now whether this conjunction produces any brainchildren is another matter.

4. Discovering and Designing the Truth in a Lie. In addition to the creation-destruction paradigm, Picasso also proposed another seemingly contradictory epiphany: Art is the lie that reveals a greater truth! What does he mean by these “higher” paradoxical observations? For example Picasso drew a soon to be famous portrait of the women of letters and salons, Gertrude Stein. One viewer told the master that his painting did not look like its subject. Picasso’s reply, “Give it time…it will!” So artful exaggerations may foretell the future; they may also enable you to more clearly and less solemnly perceive the past and present.

Let me illustrate these two paradoxes – “destruction as creation” and “lie yielding truth” – by sketching my signature “psychohumorist” ™ 3 “D” – Discussion, Drawing & Diversity – team building exercise. Participants are divided into small groups (4-6 people/group). They are given about ten minutes to identify sources of workplace stress and conflict. That’s the easy part. Then in the same amount of time, the group must produce a team picture that captures the individual stress perspectives. Invariably, a number of the participants experience some confusion, if not anxiety, at the prospect of transforming individual perspective into collective visualization. But once the group realizes they have to discard or replace linear and logical thinking with visual metaphor and holistic figure-ground story telling through pictures, suddenly the conceptual and operational fog lifts…And creative energy and laughter erupts.

An Out-Rage-Ous Design

Here’s one of my favorite group designs. The audience was comprised of NASA and Lockheed Martin supervisors and managers. There definitely was a preponderance of analytical, left-brained individuals who, despite some initial puzzlement, threw themselves into the exercise. There was considerable workplace anxiety; news of budget cuts and personnel reorganization was in the air. One picture (done on full-size flipchart paper with broad-tipped colored markers) was a classic. On a cliff is a devil-like figure, with pointy ears and a long tail, with a trident in one hand, a whip in the other. The executive/devil is driving this flock of sheep to the cliff’s edge and beyond. Actually, the sheep have only one option: jumping off the cliff. And the safety net below has gaping holes. While the content is an exaggeration, you can’t miss the emotional message. And did you note the oppositional pairing of the devil and the sheep? Believe me, the crowd roared their approval.

Which brings us to the Picasso Paradox: As the devil vs. sheep picture reveals art may not just illustrate but also illuminate. Art may create exaggerations and even psycho-logical or out-rage-ous depictions that help dispel illusions. After another workshop, I recall a CEO observing, “I get written reports all the time. But these drawings give me a clearer sense of what’s really going on in the trenches.” Perhaps a vivid yet playful picture that provides a wider and deeper perspective may induce a “higher truth.”

Drawing with a group of colleagues who know your pain heightens emotional support and distance by placing tension producing images-issues in an exaggeratedly familiar and/or a novel or surprising psychological and situational context, thereby evoking stress-relieving laughter. Art often removes or at least poke holes in the “Emperor’s Clothes.” (Do you recall the maxims involving fear, mastery and laughter?: What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at. And, what was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!

For some NASA managers and employees there likely was a loss of positions. One manager-in-training in response to her company’s downsizing lamented: “I once had a career path then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it.” While such pain is surely palpable, higher humor shared with kindred spirits lightens, even if temporarily, the sense of loss and may help one to let go and rise anew. As acclaimed philosopher and author, Albert Camus, observed: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

IV. Humbling-Heroic

A. Humbling.

1. Affirming a Higher Standard of Sibling Rivalry. Years ago I shared with my younger brother (a research-oriented Clinical Psychologist) what I thought was a creative “family therapy” intervention. Without acknowledging any artfulness on my part, he immediately said, “You should have said something like…” and proceeded to come up with clever reply, albeit one that could easily be construed as insensitive, if not hurtful. When I reflexively grimaced, he retorted: “What…were you afraid the guy would have punched you out?” “No, I declared, counterpunching. “I just have a higher standard of plagiarism.” Sometimes you can slyly push back and put the other in his place while subtly reaffirming your own authority and integrity.

2. Exposing the Rigidly Righteous. A “black-white” or “all-none” person trying to reconcile seeming contradiction may well experience what psychiatrist, Richard Rabkin, called a state of "thrustration," which I defined thusly: "Thrustration occurs when you're torn between thrusting ahead with direct action and frustration as you haven't quite put together the pieces of the puzzle." Some are not able to tolerate such tension, but insist on their being “one right answer.” A truly classic New Yorker cartoon, playing off the opening lines of A Tale of Two Cities, forever lampooned the dangers of self-righteous rigidity in the face of complexity or supposed contradiction. A nattily attired, pompous looking publisher standing behind his power desk begins to chastise a humbly dressed, hat in hand Charles Dickens: "Really, Mr. Dickens…was it the best of times or was it the worst of times? It could scarcely have been both!" Can you hear the air coming out of the ego balloon?

3. Lightly Lancing the Self-Absorbed without Collateral Damage. As a workshop leader, I'm often questioned or challenged. I don't mind being put on the spot. Actually, in a weird kind of way, I get excited. I'm up for the intellectual and psychological confrontation; maybe adrenalin is my mental testosterone. However, I am concerned when others get caught in the collateral crossfire. For example, I was leading a two-person role-play exercise for a federal government agency that was reorganizing. One role-play dyad involved a rather good-looking gentleman in his late 50s and a woman no more than half his age. In the role-play, the gentleman is to try and help his partner grapple with an actual problem: with the agency's reorganization, the young lady is being transferred to another department. She is upset both with the loss of the familiar - tasks, colleagues and friends - and because her commuting time may now double or triple.

In the feedback segment, the suave-looking fellow raises his hand and, with a somewhat self-important tone, comments, "I didn't really have my heart in this exercise." Glancing at the woman, I catch a fleeting but perceptibly pained expression. Looking at me, she exclaims, "I thought he was sincere." In the pregnant moment, a face-saving reply spontaneously generates. Turning to the fellow and the audience, I playfully observe, "Gee, you know this guy broke a lot of hearts when he was younger." Well, our male lead cracks up laughing, and the audience, including our female protagonist, follows suit.

When I share this vignette, people often ask: "How did you come up with that response?" My answer can only be speculative; events transpired so quickly. But here are some of the variables that I was processing:

a) the age-difference between the players,
b) the striking appearance of the gentleman,
c) his too detached or self-centered statement,
d) her pained look, and
e) my own empathy for the young woman when a belief (about her partner's intentions with respect to her plight) is contradicted; also, I suspect she's feeling duped or somewhat exposed.

So my psychohumorist goals are manifold: to help our female player in distress save face while lancing, with a subtle thrust, Senor Suave from his high horse, yet still allowing for a gentle(man's) landing. And the psychic swordsmanship is double-edged: while appealing to his vanity and former conquests, that is, stroking his ego, I'm also lightly exposing his egocentric manner and "too cool" persona.

Psychohumorist ™ Tip: Try unusual or unexpected observations and interpretations of events. First, this will surprise the parties involved. And, if you've captured some understanding of the setting, actions and/or motives, then you just may relax or disarm defenses. It's safer to acknowledge our foibles when they are playfully teased out with laughter. So seek the higher power of humor: May the Farce Be with You!

B. Heroic.

1. Burnout Battlefront Humor. Heroic humor is not just daring and valiant; it’s also “M*A*S*H” humor”-like enabling us to survive the burnout battlefront. I recall a stress workshop with VA Hospital Head Nurses. These women were feeling stretched to the limit by demanding doctors, impatient patients and visitors, staff productivity and morale pressures, not enough supplies, difficulty communicating with the administration, etc. The tension in the room both crackled and hung heavy like an impending storm or siege. Then each nurse thunderously barked her name and work station: Johnson, W-14, Thomas, W-16, Sanders, W-20, etc. I reflexively responded: "It sounds like you're reporting from your battle stations." The spontaneous and palpable sighs and nodding heads let me know I was psychologically on target.

At the same time, these nurses knew how to circle their medicine carts against those perceived antagonists or, at least, to defuse momentarily their "combat fatigue" with some feisty survival humor. The nurses' favorite supervisory battle cry: "Do your eight and hit the gate," "Nine to five and stay alive." Hey, she who laughs last...lasts!

Alas, there are limitations to this kind of heroic humor and the respite it provides. Such humor, based on frustration and aggression, while understandable, too easily results in an "us against them" mindset. Overt conflict or passive-aggressive behavior patterns spilling into operations and work relations is almost predictable. Remember, sometimes the most important thing survival humor can do is provide a warning signal when your capacity for laughter dries up, when your funny bone has gone totally numb: it’s likely time for some “R & R” if not permanently moving away from harm’s way.

2. Unconventionally Defusing Systemic Tension in a Hazardous Environs. The next “battlefront” scenario comes from a State Department Manager stationed at the American Embassy in Kuwait in 1990 as war clouds were gathering in darkness and intensity. Not surprisingly, war-zone tension began to invade in-house. Being restricted to the compound was exacerbating stress levels; interpersonal sniping was on the rise and generating numbers of working wounded. The Ambassador decided to intervene before the internal grumbling and overt grousing eroded psychological coping capacity and organizational morale. He told his second-in-command to inform personnel that the next day was a holiday and that all embassy staff would be going to the beach.

His deputy, incredulous, protested: “Sir, a war could break out any moment. It’s not safe to leave the compound!” The Ambassador, nevertheless, reaffirmed his desire to have people ready to go to the beach the next morning.

Bright and early the next day the Ambassador descended the stairs in bathing trunks and robe while carrying a blowup rubber ducky. Most personnel were not similarly attired. “Ye of little faith,” declared the Ambassador and proceeded to march everyone outside. And lo and behold, during the night, somehow, this Ambassador had managed to have tons of sand trucked in and dumped in the compound. And staff had a tension-relieving, fun-filled day at the beach. The in-house stress siege was broken; the embassy personnel regrouped their individual and group resources and professionally weathered the war storm.

Strategic Points. Defying conventions or rules, whether in relation to an external enemy or, when critical, even regarding departmental procedures is a key weapon in the motivational humorist’s bag of tricks. When an authority figure is both brave and playfully absurd in the face of hazardous threat or bureaucratic rigidity, the role-modeling and morale-building effect is contagious. (This scenario surely illustrates the incongruous function of humor.) Add some visual props and others can come out of their battle shell and play. Active planning for and participating in a group grief process such as a Forms Funeral (Part I) or in a absurdly defiant Beach Ventilation-Celebration allows stressed individuals to go from pawns to performers, immediately enhancing a feeling of self control and communal safety. And team rejuvenation, not just tension relief, may be your final reward.

3. Be Vivid and Visual, Surprising and Self-Effacing…and Out-Rage-Ous. I invariably close out my "Practice Safe Stress" workshop (a clever witticism, in my humble opinion) by informing the audience of my secret identity. Putting on a Blues Brothers hat, black sunglasses and pulling out a black tambourine, I then announce my pioneering efforts in the field of psychologically humorous rap music, calling it, of course…"Shrink Rap" ™ Productions. Once the groans subside, I counter: "We'll see who has the last groan," and suddenly belt out, while prancing about the room:

When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette...

The boss makes demands yet gives little control
So you pray on chocolate and wish life were dull.
But office desk’s a mess, often skipping meals.
Inside your car looks like a pocket book on wheels!

There's more, but I'll spare you. (Actually, the Rap Performance maybe lasts 90 seconds. I’m definitely following Shakespeare’s pronouncement: “Brevity is the soul of wit.”)

The crowd goes from bewildered to bowled over. After the laughter and applause dies down, I revert to self-effacing form: "That's okay; I've been doing this long enough. I know when an audience is applauding out of relief." I then sneak in a self-effacing counter to the applause, with a disclaimer: “After twenty years of all kinds of therapy – from Jungian Analysis to Primal Scream – I have one singular accomplishment…absolutely no appropriate sense of shame.” (People may question my capacity to sing or keep a beat. I often say, “Another white boy without rhythm.” However, no one questions my daring or courage.)

My final comment is delivered in a slightly smug manner: “I know what you’re thinking: ‘Mark, don’t quit your day-job.’ It’s too late…This is my day job!”

Clearly, I’m joyfully on the performance edge. Providing some witty lyrics while poking fun at my own absurdity – definitely confronting my “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure” – is a great way to break down barriers and bond with an audience. (I’m both “saying funny things” and “saying things in a funny way.” The former reflects the essence of wit; the latter, humor.) The audience truly gets a taste of exuberant energy, for which so many folks hunger. And, remember, people embrace and are more open to a serious message when it's gift-wrapped with humor.

Perhaps two complementary aphorisms capture this unique role of interactive heroic humor as both catalyst and bridge in the process from victim to vision to vital action:

"What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." (Ernst Kris, Psychiatrist)
"What was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master." (Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc")

So, hopefully, you now are inspired to pursue some luminous lunacy, to explore the role of heroically healing humorist, maybe even to put all “Eight ‘H’ Humor Styles” into action – Healing-Hostile, Harmonizing-Harpooning, Humanizing-Higher Power, and Humbling-Heroic. Surely, such commitment and courage just might help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. An Adjunct Professor at Northern VA (NOVA) Community College, the Doc is leading Stress, Team Building and Humor programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR); email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.