Mark
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Phone Coaching Strategy: Defusing a Volatile, Know-It-All Director
From Denver to Brisbane Australia. That’s where my half-hour Conflict Phone Coaching Sessions have taken me these past two weeks. The first was with an owner of a small web development company, unsure how to handle a whining, demanding, and self-centered, yet “rainmaking,” sales person. One half-hour coaching session had her refocused and reenergized, more confident on setting boundaries on this “bully.” And this week with an Australian architect, born in Malaysia, who has five directors to whom she reports, but mostly is under the micromanaging thumb of the son of the owner of the firm. The son is quick to pass critical judgment, while never at fault himself. While she has a good relationship with the father, he basically ignores N’s signals for help. And N has just received a verbal warning for yelling back at the son in the heat of a drawing board battle.
One time, a work efficiency consultant was brought in to assess the office climate. However, her recommendations were ignored. N accepted my conclusion that, when all levels of a system are enabling or actively contributing to dysfunction, and you lack resources to check the toxic environment, in the long run, for the sake of mind-body-spirit health, there is little option other than leaving the firm. Not surprisingly this work triangle (father-son-N) was analogous to her home triangle – intimidating mother-somewhat passive, conflict-averse father, and N who, while somewhat suppressed in the family, was angrily acting out at school, especially as a teen.
Short-Term Survival Strategy
However, a short-term strategy emerged. And the tip off was when N said she hates to “back down” with the son. Clearly past ghosts and echoes were swirling and ringing, compromising an ability to more purposefully and productively manage this “stress carrier.” (And you know the definition of a “stress carrier”: Someone who doesn’t get ulcers just gives them!)
As I suspected, his aggressiveness was bringing out in N “You”-message reactiveness: “You don’t let anyone get a word in,” “All you do is criticize others; you never look in the mirror,” “It’s your fault,” etc. I told her the trick was to not let the son’s venom stay in her system. (I reminded her that you need to suck the venom out; but don’t spit it in his face, more by his shoe.) At the same time she needed to avoid hissing and biting back while professionally standing up for her integrity. As soon as she sensed the two were into their vicious spiral, she needed to say, “I don’t want this to result in more verbal battling and yelling. Can we discuss an issue professionally, each of us expressing their views in a civil manner? If not, then I will walk away. Perhaps we can try again over the phone in thirty minutes.” N is not allowing herself to be baited; she’s cooling off her own “hot button.”
I helped N realize that her “hot button” was not just conflicting architectural perspective with this bully. That was more the tip of the iceberg. The real heat was from the volcanic memories with her intimidating mother, her passive father and the “family” context” once again being played out in this firm.
Closing Note
As N wrote in a follow-up email: Thanks for the invoice. I enjoyed the discussion, too. It's managed to take the edge off how I feel about the situation. I can focus on managing the situation rather than just being consumed by the problem. N seems more confident that she won’t bring along nearly as much of her baggage to the next firm. Certainly N is on the path of distancing herself from this dysfunctional system and of…Practicing Safe Stress!
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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet – Personal Exploration and Workplace
Intervention: Short-Circuiting
the Cycle of Workplace Bullying
Bullying...it’s not just for school yards and
lunch rooms; it’s increasingly found in offices and work-floors, and, of course,
in cyberspace. And workplace bullying,
too, has seriously disruptive and damaging effects and consequences. Bullying doesn’t just adversely impact an
individual…when ignored or downplayed, it creates a climate of fear (“Where’s
is leadership?”) and self-blame or shame that, like a virus, eats away at
respect for leaders, individual and team trust and coordination, organizational
performance and morale. And there often
is a communal wall of silence around this issue. It’s way past time for “Workplace Bullying”
to “Come Out of the Closet”!
And Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc will
help us take off the blinders and shed light on this critical and controversial
subject. The Doc draws on years of
experience as a: a) Psychotherapist (as well as a “Psychohumorist” ™ ;-), b)
Crisis, Hazardous Workplace, and Critical Incident Consultant (including being
a Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service), c)
Stress Resilience-Team Building Speaker, Consultant, Workshop/Retreat Leader for
the US Army, e) author of Practices Safe
Stress, The Four Faces of Anger,
and Resiliency Rap, and e) his own
powerful memories being bullied as a child and young teen. Through a mix of poignant and energizing
lecture, as well as thought-provoking and fun group exercises, all will have a
better grasp of:
1) Workplace Culture, the Bullying Process,
and Basic Definitions
2) “The Bullying Process” Behavior Patterns of
both “The Bully” and “The Bullied”3) The Four Faces of Anger Model for Transforming Rage and Hostility into Passion and Assertion
4) Defusing Power Struggles & Aggressors: Assertive Communication-Negotiation Skills
5) Workplace Action Steps for “Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process”
Outline/Objectives
A. Workplace Culture & the Bullying Process: Overview
B. Bullying Definitions and Derivations
C. Bullying Process Practices & Environments: Dynamic Dozen
D. Bullying Personalities and the Bullying Processes: Dynamic Dozen
E. Warning Signs: The Bully’s Behavior Patterns
F. Warning Signs: The Bullied’s Behavior Patterns
G. Anger Dynamics and The Bullying Process
H. Assertive Communication-Conflict Negotiation Skills
I. Initial Bully Process Intervention
J. Transforming Burnout, Loss & Grief and Creative Expression Skills
K. Out of the Closet & Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process: Action Steps
Don’t miss your Appointment with the Stress Doc:
It’s time for all to “Come Out of the Bullying Closet!”
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, The Stress Doc ™
stressdoc@aol.com<>www.stressdoc.com
301-875-2567
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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet: Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying Program is based on the Doc’s:
a. long-recognized expertise as a Stress & Change Resilience and Critical Incident – Grief & Trauma – Debriefing Consultant, Inspiring Speaker, Workshp/Retreat Leader, Group/Team Facilitator; Stress Doc Program help audiences “Get FIT” by being FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking; over twenty years as a private practice psychotherapist
b. decades experience as a Stress & Violence
Consultant for the US Postal Service and a Stress Resilience-Humor-Tean
Building Retreat Leader for various military units at Ft. Hood,
TX; workshops at Ft. Meade, MD, etc.; working on a project with
Celena Flowers, Community Services/Family Advocacy Manager at Ft. Meade (celena.flowers@us.army.mil);
c. ten years
Adjunct Asst Professor at Tulane University School of Social Work teaching
graduate level course on "Crisis Intervention and Brief Treatment"
d. books, The Four Faces of Anger – Model &
Method: Transforming Anger, Rage, and
Conflict and
Practice Safe Stress:
Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression,
e. 20+ years experience
as a “Psychohumorist” ™ pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap
music, Shrink Rap ™ Productions,
f. ground-breaking
children’s lyrics and “Resiliency Raps” on “Bullying,” “Family Dynamics/Family
Communication,” (email stressdoc@aol.com to
view the lyrics/raps; he is the self-described Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults
(and kids of all ages),
g. “The Stress Doc’s ™
Stress Resiliency and Brain Agility Formula for Natural SPEED –
Sleep-Priorities/Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet and, most important,
h. own personal
experience being bullied as a child and young teen for too many years.
The program can be expanded or streamlined to meet audience needs and logistics; it may also be adapted as a workshop series.
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