A Passionate Address on the Vital Role of Workplace Grief – Part II

Part I of this two-part series illustrated the defensive and short-sighted modus operandi of a macho-driven work culture in the face of a long-time employee’s self-inflicted death by handgun. The essay depicted how such a culture, during times of loss and grief, buries their minds and emotions in the sand. This “self-protective” approach invariably walls off employees from the grief consultant and grief process, thereby losing a unique opportunity to impact positively the bottom line as well as touch the interconnected heads, hearts, and spiritual well-being of the employees and the organization. The closing segment of this workplace grief series will be a somewhat elaborated written version of the words I was not permitted to share with the company’s employees at their morning “all hands” meeting.

Workplace Grief Address

Normally, I would say “Good morning,” but today these words seem hollow. I will take a few minutes to share some thoughts on loss and grief; to help us all reflect on this tragedy. Why a person with many strengths and admirable qualities still takes his own life is a complex, paradoxical puzzle. When under intense and especially chronic stress, perhaps struggling with an unstable biochemical nature or some mental illness, taking one’s own life may ironically be a final attempt at having some control when you and your life feel hopelessly out of control. But I’m not sure there’s ever a definitive answer other than this individual is no longer physically with us. And many will miss him.

As for the people in mourning’s path who live on, here’s a fundamental truth: there is no one right way to grieve; some will immediately be visibly upset while others will appear stoic or unshaken, yet emotions smolder within. And of course there are myriad reactions in between. In addition, there’s no appropriate time line for grief. My blood pressure gets worked up when I hear someone say, “It’s been three months now; get over it!” (However, I will talk further about people stuck in their grief.)

Signs of Grief

Nonetheless, there are emotional reactions that people may well experience when in the throes of grief. You may recognize some, several, or even none:

1. Shock. Many people are likely feeling a sense of shock or disbelief: How could this happen? You don’t know what to say; perhaps the neural wire connections between the thoughts in your head and heart and mouth are momentarily not working.

2. Sadness. Surely, for numbers in the room there’s a profound sense of loss; perhaps some at this moment sense their eyes starting to water as the realization sinks in that this individual will never be physically seen again.

3. Regret or Guilt. Some people may be upset that they didn’t have that conversation that was on their mental calendar. Others may be torn for missing the warning signs or for not taking them seriously enough? “Why didn’t I (or we) see this coming?” First, it’s hard to imagine the unthinkable. The other reality is that most of you were juggling many stress balls in your own lives. And this individual didn’t come this far in his journey without being a pretty good juggler and fighter. Alas, hindsight provides an insight that we truly did not have in foresight!

4. Anger. Anger during grief may be vexing. How can I be angry with someone who is dying or who has died? This is not a logical process but a psycho-logical one. And maybe our anger, whether with the deceased or with God, or whoever is a sign of missed opportunities to connect – with battles had along with along with those avoided; perhaps anger is a cover for acute emptiness or regret; of how much we want the person back. Or perhaps we rage at life’s unpredictability; we don’t like feeling so helplessly out of control.

Existential Questions and the Fragility of Life

Based on personal experience and my recent Critical Incident Stress Management (or Grief Debriefing) work, when the deceased is relatively young, the fragility of life gnaws at if not haunts the imagination. For example, when a young, mid-30s, much beloved, health-conscious – avocado salad eating, mountain climbing – manager died in his sleep, the oft-repeated refrain of team members was, “If this could happen to Steven…” Now is a time for concerted reflection, an existential self-assessment if you will, in terms of one’s own:

1. Personal/Family Direction – how comfortable am I in my own skin? As an individual and/or as a family, what is the balance between aliveness and stagnation or dis-ease; am I moving forward, are we stuck in a rut? Is work-life balance a laughable notion? Is there a troubling gap between my aspirations and my current position?

2. Sense of Time – in terms of my personal, career, and/or family goals – is time an abundant resource or is time running out?; do I need to shake up my life somehow – sooner rather than later?

3. Quality of My Relationships – especially with meaningful others or significant loved ones, how open am I with emotions and words that need to be expressed and shared?; how often am I wearing a mask?; do I run from conflict or do I try my best to grapple with it constructively?

Communicating with People in Mourning

Another question that often looms during a time of grief is how to share your own thoughts and emotions with family members or close friends of the deceased. Here are “Three Tips for Appropriately Sharing Your Concern and Condolences”:

1. Trust Your Gut and Touch – say what you are experiencing and be real, for example, “I’m shocked; I don’t know what to say. And regards nonverbal communication, unless you have a close connection, a light touch on the arm will likely be more comfortably received than a hug,

2. Be Humble – I suspect the response that has the most potential to be more upsetting than consoling is, “I know what you are going through.” Unless you walked in the exact same moccasins…Remember, it is difficult to comprehend the array, the intensity and the subtlety of grief emotions (or the need to numb and momentarily close down). Much better to come from a place of humility: “I can’t truly imagine what you are going through.”

3. Be Available – if sufficiently concerned, let those closest to the deceased know you are available with an ear, shoulder, or a hug if and when they are ready; “Just give me the word!” Or, “Is there anything I can do – run and errand, cook something, stay with the kids, etc.”

Again, timing and readiness is important. Consider, “May I call or stop by next week?” This approach affirms your presence while respecting the deceased’s need for time and space. I’ve also seen a spouse have an open house the night of the tragedy. She wanted to be embraced by stories from her husband’s colleagues. Light touches of humor do not have to be placed in hibernation. As that great disability’s pioneer, Helen Keller, observed: The world is so full of care and sorrow. It is a gracious debt we owe one another to discover the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks.

But perhaps the most important way to be available is mostly to listen and accept whatever emotions the grieving person shares, or chooses not to share. And again, you can always say, “I’m so sorry” or “I don’t know what to say.” As a grief consultant, I’ve also learned to travel with a box of tissues.

The Awakening of Grief Ghosts

One of the most perplexing aspects of a critical incident, especially involving an unexpected or violent loss of life, is the presence of two sources of pain – one obvious, the other covert. The overt and immediate pain involves emotions surrounding the loss of a colleague along with heartbreak for the family, etc. The second pain, often clouded or confusing, is how our own past, recent and even anticipated losses, threats, or traumas, which may or may not be specifically related to the workplace tragedy, often get stirred during this vulnerable or crisis period. For example, shortly after acknowledging her visible upset for a colleague killed in a morning drive-time head-on vehicular collision, a middle-aged supervisor shifted emotional gears. She suddenly associated to the 9/11 Twin Towers death of her sister…ten years earlier.

The loss of life is not required for the rise and release of “grief ghosts.” All manner of losses – from separations, divorces, and disconnections to health issues, previous trauma, major regret or remorse, and a chronic loss of control as well as a slow dying dream – may trigger a ghostly uprising. Clearly, as the double-edged Chinese icon for “crisis” illustrates, there is disruption if not potential “danger” when fighting specters of confusion along with feeling out of control. However, piercing cracks in our psychological defenses, the opening of a psychic wound, and the resurrection of painful memories also provide “opportunity.”

Engaging the Ghost

As mentioned earlier, each person has an individual bio-psycho-social-cultural style of grieving. In addition, there are key, oft common emotions– shock, sadness, fear, anger, guilt or regret, confusion and ambivalence, as well as relief and acceptance – that many grapple with on a head, heart, and soulful grief journey. Here are “Four Grief Styles”:

1. Instrumental – certain individuals in the face of grief keep busy, focusing on necessary or mind-distracting tasks – whether for themselves or others – as a way of managing their thoughts and feelings, to prevent the incomprehensible from morphing into profound confusion or chaos,

2. Be Positive – some people believe in moving on and not “dwelling on the past”; alas, short-circuiting the grief process may, paradoxically, only prolong and complicate it. Grieving the unexpected death of a close colleague, one gentleman decided he would only contemplate positive memories and feelings. I suspect he feared a profound emptiness or uncontrollable rage might erupt. For me, grief is a holistic yin-yang process, especially if one wants to sustain the deceased person’s spirit within. My analogy for mourning is a capacity to venture through two interrelated doorways: one leading you down a dark, moon-lit path while the other opens to a warm sun-lit trail. Ultimately, not only do these passageways intersect rather, in yin-yang fashion, they circle together forming an infinite loop. Now the seemingly oppositional passages define and set the stage for each other; with dawn and dusk midwives, cycles of ebb and flow give birth to contradictory yet complementary, active and reflective (sometimes even manic and melancholic) twins, as day drives and drifts into night.

3. Delayed – some people must allow grief to smolder underground for a considerable time before they are ready to receive its poignant gifts. I recall one gentleman who described being alone, quietly listening to a soulful jazz record, belatedly realizing it was his father’s favorite. His dad had died two years earlier; he had not been able to shed tears at the funeral. Yet now, with grief gods and ghosts aligned, in geyser-like fashion, his tears poured forth. This son had finally achieved a sense of peace with the loss of his father.

4. Emotionally Expressive – and, of course, there are numbers of people along with some cultures that encourage the immediate and intense expression of grief – open wailing, tears flowing, anguished nonverbal gestures, even the beating of one’s body, customary black clothing, etc. I suspect a sensitive, somewhat introspective-depressive-expressive nature (actually, a melancholic-writer cave persona along with a sometimes manic speaker stage persona; more intense cyclic tendencies before biochemical intervention) mostly places me in this fourth and final category. As I once penned, Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

When Mourning Becomes Depression

Some people hold off grieving because they fail to make an important discrimination: there’s a real difference between “Feeling sorry for yourself” and“Feeling your sorrow.” When you are feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When you are feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your pain. And there are times in life when we all need to feel our sorrow.

Another barrier to effective grieving is confusing the sadness or temporary depressed mood of grief – a natural part of the healing process – with clinical depression, which in fact may be influenced by or a consequence of delayed or denied grief. If after six to eight weeks in response to the loss of a significant professional or personal-family relation, colleague, or friend you are still feeling exhausted, drained of energy, or going through the motions, are underperforming at work, isolating yourself, perhaps uncharacteristically losing your temper, and/or are having trouble eating or sleeping please, please, reach out for counseling. If your organization or company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), make the call; talk to a professional.

While a first year graduate student, struggling to manage an array of external and internal stressors, my School Social Work Field Instructor imparted some much needed wisdom: Not everyone needs therapy…but everyone can use it!

Workplace Grief Intervention serves a somewhat analogous broad-based healing and protective function for individuals, teams, and organizations.

Closing

Thank you for this opportunity to reflect on death and life…to share some of the psychic and spiritual air that I breathe. I hope my words were“inspirational,” as in the literal translation of “’spirit” or breath and of the word “inspire” – to breathe life into. I will close with haiku-like verse, attempting to capture the vital role of grief in realms uplifting and mythical as well as fiery and motivational:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes

One must know the pain,
To transform the fire to burning desire!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring, and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/Wellness/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet. His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Maximizing the Healing and Growth Potential of Critical/Grief Intervention: Benefits of Structured and Spontaneous Workplace Grief Consultation

After a “loss of life” critical incident – for example, whether a valued employee “dies unexpectedly in his sleep,” is “murdered outside of work,” “succumbs quickly to a diagnosed or undiagnosed disease,” is “killed in a horrific motor vehicle accident while driving to work,” or “takes his own life,” how the company or organization structures and manages the grief debriefing process is critical.  It is vital to have a grief counselor/critical incident specialist:  a) address employees briefly as a whole, providing some “critical incident” perspective on the typical and varied responses to loss, death, and grief, b) when operationally feasible and appropriate, allow the grief specialist both to formally meet with employees in a private setting and also to walk around and tactfully converse with personnel, and c) engage especially with teams or departments most closely connected with the deceased colleague.

Expecting individual employees to find their way to a room in which the critical incident-debriefing counselor is sequestered limits the personal healing as well as the professional learning, problem-detection, prevention, and growth potential.  Remember, by definition, a critical incident, especially when involving the loss of life, is a “strike when the psyche (and culture) is hot” grief tragedy.  That is, many people are emotionally upset or in turmoil; just about all are open to words that facilitate understanding, soothing, or healing.   And a well-timed, knowledgeable, and compassionate connection has the ability both to help relieve some of the immediate pain and even to safely touch employees with preexisting wounds related to loss, threat, and trauma.  A healthful or hazardous work setting just may be in the balance.

Psychologically-interpersonally wounded employees enter the workplace every day, impacting productivity, relations, morale, and overall environmental ambiance.  There are major personal, team, and organizational benefits and opportunities for a company that facilitates a more open, “all hands-heads-hearts” and a “friendly grief counselor walking the halls and floors” intervention approach.  Consider these “Key Workplace Grief Intervention Benefits”:

1) Walk the Talk, Don’t Fuel It – the organization “walks its talk” about having compassion for their employees; a company acknowledges that certain critical events take precedence over “business as usual”; not responding appropriately, for example,  may open top management to speculative criticism about their actions while the employee was still alive,

2) Facilitates Expression and Acceptance – it facilitates if not the full the expression of pain at least an acceptance of grief emotions and the asking of questions about the deceased, his or her family, ways of memorializing the deceased, or supporting the family; in general, structured openness illuminates and validates the grief process,

3) Opportunity for Education and Evaluation – allowing a grief counselor to address large and small groups of people not only is an opportunity to provide grief (and perhaps mental health/illness) education, it also enables employees to check out the grief counselor; that is, is this an individual I might feel comfortable talking with individually, someone I might be willing to risk sharing my own vulnerability?; improving supervisory awareness of normative grief symptoms in contrast with signs of depression and/or disrupted work performance is a valuable diagnostic tool for identifying employees in need of additional psychological support and/or referral,

4) Identifies “Grief Ghost” Carriers – invariably, a significant percentage of employees are walking around with work-family-personal stress that drains energy and attention and/or are harboring “grief ghosts” (intense and/or unstable emotions and memories connected to past losses or traumas) that affect both productivity and the quality of work relations.  When compounded by a tragic event or some kind of crisis, people already in an emotionally sensitive, uncertain, or vulnerable place are in need of and especially ripe for a “reach out and touch someone” message,

5) Potential to Reduce Hazardous Environments – in an age of workplace harassment and bullying, grief intervention has the potential for early detection of troubled individuals and/or disruptive work relations; when workplace (and community) violence routinely make headlines, prevention is your most important intervention process!,

6) Receptivity for Support and Problem-Solving – people touched by mourning are often ready for momentary venting and a reassuring shoulder as well as being receptive to new problem-solving resources; e.g., after a brief one-on-one with a grief counselor, people are frequently more open to a “building stress resiliency” suggestion or life-health style change; they may seriously consider a recommendation to call an “in-house,” company sponsored Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for short-term counseling,

7) Affirms a “Work Family” and Allows for Venting – in light of the close professional and often personal nature of work relations, a grief session for members of the deceased’s team or department is especially vital and valuable; such a session affirms a sense of “work family” or a close-knit caring community, as individuals share personal associations or connections to the tragic loss; it helps members discover they are not alone with their jumble of emotions; people may vent their confusion or even anger at the deceased, at God, at the company, etc., and group discussion may help clear up any misunderstandings or circulating rumors, and finally,

8) Recognize and Integrate the Deceased’s Strengths – with proper facilitation, a team session may encourage individuals to recognize the qualities in the deceased they particularly admired and transform this sharing into two processes that enable the spirit of the deceased to symbolically, psychically, and productively walk the workplace halls and floors:

a. Individual Identification/Integration – for example, if a team member says he admired the deceased’s ability to give people undivided attention in conversation, this individual can be encouraged to practice and apply more undivided and empathic listening and questioning skills; and by doing so, the deceased’s spirit more strongly lives within the individual, and

b. Collective Identification/Integration – if an entire team or department selects a variety of admired qualities to emulate and assimilate, then a “fallen soldier’s” spirit truly burns not just within an individual psyche but also in the mental maps and heartbeats as well as the soulful rhythms and courageous communications of the collective consciousness.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

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Adding Insult to Injury: When a Type A-Driven Company Shuts Down Workplace Grief – Part I

This is a rant disguised as a thoughtful essay. However, before spewing, (hopefully without making an ash of myself) let me provide some background data. Contemplation will follow ventilation, i.e., some meaningful and supportive ideas regarding the grief process.

The Anti-Wailing Wall (Street) Story

A prominent financial securities company requested a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention. One of their long-time brokers, a gentleman in his late 50s, married with a son in college, had recently retired. (I will call him Paul.) Actually, Paul’s decision to retire was not truly voluntary despite his being much beloved and admired for his gregarious and very giving nature. For many years Paul productively shared time, energy, and resources with one and all – from colleagues to community charities. (He was reported to have 35,000 names in his Rolodex!) 

Alas, Paul was likely suffering from a worsening bipolar illness over the past two years. Like many in the financial industry, he seemed to lead a high risk-high reward “larger than life” work-lifestyle. Apparently, the repressed economic conditions and concomitant stress had taken a toll on the status of his client list and his mind-body, bringing to the forefront pre-existing manic-depressive tendencies. Paul’s behavior at work was becoming increasingly erratic, and he needed to be hospitalized. Despite several attempts by the company to support the treatment plan, Paul would check himself out of the hospital against medical advice. He also was not taking the prescribed medication, and was becoming increasingly suspicious and pessimistic in his thinking. Unfortunately, untreated bipolar illness can be fatal; not surprisingly, over the weekend, two days before my arrival, Paul committed suicide with a handgun blast to the head. 

Why the Anger? 

A day before the intervention, the Human Resources Director mentioned that she wanted me to speak for ten minutes about the typical impact of such a tragic incident on employees, both as individuals and as a collective. However, in an early morning conference with the CEO and the HR Director, the former changed his tune, much to the surprise of the HR Director. He would say some words about Paul at the “all hands” meeting, and I would be cloistered in an office: those who wanted to meet with me could do so, but only on their own initiative. He even discouraged walking around and introducing myself to people, perhaps facilitating some spontaneous discussion and sharing of thoughts and emotions. 

The HR Director still held out hope that I might attend a meeting with the personnel in Paul’s former department. A manager in the unit, a female, was very supportive of my speaking to the team. Alas, as I was about to walk into the conference room, the Department Head, a man around 60 years of age, bluntly pronounced, “He’s not to be in here!” 

What was going on? Was this just macho-Type A-“don’t let them see you sweat or tear up” psycho-cultural behavior? (And I’ll let you decide where the emphasis goes on the “p-c” italicized terminology.) If only it was that straightforward. While I was encouraged to meet with Pauls’ female Administrative Assistant and another male employee who Paul had mentored (who, I discovered, knowingly chose not to come to work this day), top management was definitely walling me off from the staff. And my concern and frustration was building. 

Based on years of critical incident experience, I am all too aware that not only is there grief for the lost colleague; in addition, this kind of sudden and violent death, even if not so surprising, is still shocking or fairly incomprehensible for those in mourning’s orbit. And invariably, such a jarring vulnerable state rattles one’s own Pandora’s Box, bringing to the fore “grief ghosts” or personal demons – memories of prior losses along with smoldering guilt and regrets or shameful failures – both of longstanding and recent duration. (In addition, anticipated losses, for example, the impending death of an aging parent, the possibility of being downsized, etc., become fodder for this potentially volatile mix.) And the three people I spoke with (all women, perhaps not surprising in a testosterone-driven environment), only confirmed my hard-earned understanding. 

Four Brief “Ghost” Vignettes 

1. Administrative Assistant. This assistant had worked directly with Paul for nearly ten years. She was well aware of his deteriorating condition. While wishing she could have done more to help him, the assistant was not beating herself up. She had seen her mother unmercifully torment herself after the assistant’s brother had committed suicide when she was a teenager. She recognized that the hardest part of this tragedy would be “never seeing Paul again.” 

2. Human Resources Director. The HR director also was realistic about what can be done when a person is determined to end his life. She and the company had done all they could in terms of Paul’s treatment and “retirement.” However, when I mentioned my frustration about being “walled off,” about not being able to help people share their feelings regarding Paul while connecting with their own personal experiences of loss, this woman, with tears welling up, immediately associated to the death of her husband ten years earlier. We all bring our grief ghost pain to work with us. 

3. Department Manager. The HR Director had indicated this Manager needed to speak with me; she would drop by my office shortly. When she never showed, I asked the HR Director to firmly encourage her. When she finally showed, this woman of 40, who had wanted me to participate in the department meeting, teared up quickly as she spoke of Paul’s more recent “sturm und drang.” Yet again, upon mentioning the normative concept of “grief ghosts,” there was a soulful outpouring, this time of a recent shock to her system. She had just been diagnosed with skin cancer, and some form of radiation treatment would start within the week.  (Having had a tumor surgically removed from my thyroid, I understood somewhat her wave of anxiety.) 

4. Department Head. The above Director and Manager both apologized for the stoic male culture and shed additional light on why the Department Head had likely been so brusque in his stop-order: his son had committed suicide! Clearly this individual was “protecting” himself from subterranean emotional pools in which he did not want to submerge. 

I could admire a man who chose to participate in such an emotionally charged venue, whether he spoke of his pain or not. I would respect a man who decided to excuse himself from such a meeting, whether he chose to explain his motives or not. But the real frustration is not this DH’s ability to control my access; my dismay comes from his power to deny other team members an opportunity to share, grieve, and reminisce in a uniquely intimate setting. 

Benefits of Structured Workplace Grief 

In contrast to setting strict boundaries on a grief counselor, there are several major personal, team, and organizational benefits for a company that facilitates a more open, “all hands-heads-hearts” approach to structured workplace grief:

1) Walk the Talk, Don’t Fuel It – the organization “walks its talk” about having compassion for their employees; a company acknowledges that certain critical events take precedence over “business as usual”; not responding appropriately to the above detailed critical incident may open top management to speculative criticism about their actions while the employee was still alive, 

2) Facilitates Expression and Acceptance – it facilitates if not the full the expression of pain at least an acceptance of grief emotions and the asking of questions about the deceased, his or her family, ways of memorializing the deceased, or supporting the family; structured openness illuminates the grief process in general, 

3) Opportunity for Education and Evaluation – allowing a grief counselor to address large and small groups of people not only is an opportunity to provide grief (and perhaps mental health/illness) education, it also enables employees to check out the grief counselor; that is, is this an individual I might feel comfortable talking with individually, someone I might be willing to risk sharing my own vulnerability?, 

4) Identifies “Grief Ghost” Carriers – invariably, a significant percentage of employees are walking around with work-family-personal stress that drains energy and attention and/or are harboring “grief ghosts” (past losses or traumas) that affect both productivity and the quality of work relations. When compounded by a tragic event or some kind of crisis, people already in an emotionally sensitive, uncertain, or vulnerable place are especially ripe for a “reach out and touch someone” message, 

5) Receptivity for Support and Problem-Solving – people touched by mourning are often ready for momentary venting and a reassuring shoulder as well as being receptive to new problem-solving resources; e.g., after a brief one-on-one with a grief counselor, people are frequently more open to considering an “in-house,” company sponsored, Employee Assistance Program (EAP) referral for short-term counseling, 

6) Affirms a “Work Family” and Allows for Venting – in light of the close professional and often personal nature of work relations, a grief session for members of the deceased’s team or department is especially vital and valuable; such a session affirms a sense of “work family” or a close-knit caring community, as individuals share personal associations or connections to the tragic loss; it helps members discover they are not alone with their jumble of emotions; people may vent their confusion or even anger at the deceased, at God, at the company, etc., and group discussion may help clear up any misunderstandings or circulating rumors, and finally, 

7) Recognize and Integrate the Deceased’s Strengths – with proper facilitation, a team session may encourage individuals to recognize the qualities in the deceased they particularly admired and transform this sharing into two processes that enable the spirit of the deceased to symbolically, psychically, and productively walk the workplace halls and floors: 

a. Individual Identification/Integration – for example, if a team member says he admired the deceased’s ability to give people undivided attention in conversation, this individual can be encouraged to practice and apply more undivided and empathic listening and questioning skills; and by doing so, the deceased’s spirit more strongly lives within the individual, and 

b. Collective Identification/Integration – if an entire team or department selects a variety of admired qualities to emulate and assimilate, then a “fallen soldier’s” spirit truly burns not just within an individual psyche but also in the mental maps and heartbeats as well as the soulful rhythms and courageous communications of the collective consciousness.

Closing Summary

The above essay illustrates the defensive and short-sighted modus operandi of a macho-driven work culture. The essay also depicts how such a culture, during times of death and grief, buries (their minds and emotions in the sand), thereby losing a unique opportunity to impact not just the bottom line, but also the interconnected heads, hearts, and spiritual well-being of the employees and the organization.

While not having a chance to give my grief talk, the final segment of this workplace grief series will be a written version of the words I was hoping to share with the company’s employees. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring, and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/Wellness/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet. His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Risk and Reward of Emotional Agility: How to Know When to Let Go

I recently came across the term “emotional agility” in a workshop promotion. Of course “Emotional Intelligence” is an industry buzzword and “emotional resilience” frequently appears in my stress and wellness readings, but this phrase seemed new. Agility makes me think of those fresh-faced female Olympic gymnasts – (nimble, supple, alert, swift, responsive, daring, etc.) – along with bygone days of bodysurfing at Jones Beach and scrambling up red rock in Sedona, AZ. And while the body of late is a bit more creaky and clumsy, I still can conjure a heart that sings and a mind that dances, (and sometimes too a body that gyrates, see below) even when the invitation is sudden and unexpected. Of course, it helps to have a vulnerable yet courageous, genuine and risk-taking partner, especially when minds and moods start swinging. Perhaps most important, though, such head- and heart-felt agility may quickly open you to powerful sharing and emotional intimacy, especially in the face of psychological binds and barriers. Consider this brief and intense yet poignant – “death and life” – encounter.

Exuberance was still in the air as government employees and managers filed out of a half-day “Building Stress Resiliency” class. Throughout the program, the interactive energy and open, thoughtful peer engagement had been on display. Now I was feeling a bit high after a closing, full blast rendition of “The Stress Doc’s Shrink Rap” ™. Bouncing around in Blues Brothers hat and black sunglasses, while arrhythmically shaking my black tambourine had initially generated a number of startled looks and gaping mouths. But upon “wrapping up,” almost all would agree that even the most analytical, legal, and technical minds (actually, the predominant mindsets in the room) had been delightfully (and thoughtfully) aroused and tickled. And the sharp lyrics reverberated across several generations. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for the lyrics.) Naturally, I got the biggest laugh when I followed the hearty clapping with, “I’ve been doing this long enough. I know when an audience is applauding out of relief!”

Pairing witty yet wise lyrics with unabashedly awkward yet enthusiastic gyrations reminds me of a distinction between wit (saying funny things) and humor (saying things in a funny way) and demonstrates some kind of bihemispheric brain flexibility. And another sign of cognitive-affective agility, one I’ve been practicing for a good while with varying degrees of success, is rapidly shifting emotional gears – having a playful message spring from a serious conceptual underpinning or slyly inserting some double-edged humor in a pointed statement. But let me return to our workshop setting and an imminent challenge: demonstrating emotional agility without humor as a clutch or crutch.

Turning On an Emotional Dime

As is customary after a program I was about ready to decompress when, out of the “feel good” haze, a gentleman perhaps in his early fifties, of slight, yet lean and compact build, standing erect, with a neat and close cropped haircut, the last attendee in the room, approached with a troubling question. During the workshop, I had mentioned working with the military. With a serious and somber look and tone, this father shared that his son, six months ago, had committed suicide, a year after coming back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. He also acknowledged that his son had been diagnosed as manic-depressive.

A palpable sigh and nodding head was my immediate reaction and attempt at some humble “Despite my experience, I’m not sure I can fully fathom the depth of your pain” connection. I eventually acknowledged that suicide has become a big concern for the military, especially the Army.

Before I could ask how he was doing, he shared that he was struggling with an issue. Before his son’s death and for a while afterward, he had been attending the Army’s Wounded Warrior rehabilitation and resocialization program. An administrator in the WW program observed how this government examiner and his family had courageously grappled with the loss of their son. The Administrator recently asked the father if he’d be willing to counsel other soldiers (and, I assume, other families).

The father’s conflict mirrored my own; however, his eyes also radiated some alarm. Initially, he focused on the fear of saying the wrong thing when counseling someone in the grip of pain and torment. He didn’t want to be responsible for…the rest of the sentence was left unspoken. (Surely this fear was colored by his son’s actions.)

The Logical, the Psychological, and the Experimental

There was a logical side of my brain that wanted to share, “This is a common fear, and usually unfounded. If you are ever uncertain about your feelings or unsure about what to say, just trust your heart and gut, for example: ‘I can’t imagine or I don’t know what to say. Or, I don’t know if this is the same situation, and I’m not trying to give advice, more just sharing my perspective, but when such and such happened to me (or us) this is what I experienced, or this is how I felt, this is what I wanted to do, this is what I finally did, etc.’” Sometimes emotional agility is as much knowing what not to say (or when not to say it) as it is using a clever retort or felicitous phrase.

Like the WW Administrator, my gut told me this man had a lot of hard-earned empathy and wisdom that truly could be of value to others. I was also associating to how my girlfriend fairly quickly joined and then, eventually, became a group leader at her local chapter of “The Compassionate Friends” when her 19 year old daughter died suddenly in a car accident. This parent and siblings support group enabled her to hold on, even if just barely, to her shredded life and fragile sanity.

However, the psychological part of me knew this dad needed more time and help, which was confirmed when he dug a little deeper. Now he acknowledged not knowing if he was ready to dredge up once more all the painful feelings of the last year-and-a-half. (Also, in a later discussion with my girlfriend, she shared that “The Compassionate Friends” wanted peer leaders to wait at least two years before assuming a group facilitator role. Of course, the military may well be in “crisis” mode regarding its need for people to help staff and support the Wounded Warriors project.)

Thinking on my feet, my intent was not to help this gentleman make a final decision about the counseling role. Instead, I suggested he speak to a WW professional, one who would truly listen to the concerns he had shared with me. I reiterated, “This person’s goal must not be to ultimately convince you to become a volunteer. Let them know you need an ear, someone who will help you continue to grapple with your loss while enabling you to sort out the emotional pros and cons of such a poignant decision.”

I truly believe by sharing and reliving his story, his personal and family pain, in a safe setting with a knowledgeable and concerned guide, this father’s “grief ghosts” will be less haunting, his emotional highs and lows less disorienting, and his son’s spirit will more comfortably reside within.

Finally, I had one more idea: if after a period of personal coaching and reflection gnawing questions lingered, he could try the counseling as a pilot project – perhaps for a month. Then, in consultation with a WW professional, both parties could assess his comfort and confidence levels.

He acknowledged not having considered a trial run. Now, his heartfelt words of thanks, but especially his softened eyes and body posture, said this father had a newfound sense of possibility if not direction.

Closing Summary

When intense emotional issues are many-layered if not convoluted, and time is limited and information gathering is constrained, ironically, it’s often critical to move deliberately yet carefully. A helper, coach, or guide may need to hold off providing a direct answer, no matter how worthy or determined the petitioner. Sometimes emotional agility means exercising restraint, as in resisting the urge to provide quick advice or questionable reassurance. Even in the face of a compelling request, it might be wise to forego “bending over backwards” or making a dramatic, overly self-assured “liberation leap” – whether of faith or ideas – into a realm of illusive promises. (And, of course, beware the savior role motivated by a need to erase your own personal-psychological tension or unhappiness in the guise of rescuing another.)

There are circumstances when the best a concerned party or coach can do is to outline a time- and goal-focused passageway that holds out some possibility for greater tolerance of angst or acute uncertainty. However, with some flicker of hope in that proverbial dark, subterranean cave, the aggrieved will often begin to crawl upward and outward; with each step, now a growing luminosity further energizes personal commitment to challenge discouraging voices and pursue mind-expanding resources. Finally, a true seeker just may perceive light if not dawning enlightenment traversing a twisting and turning head-, heart-, and soul-searching labyrinth. To quote the inspiring words of the pioneering medical scientist, Jonas Salk: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than being fearful; trusting just one more time than being anxious.

Of course, that “one more time” may seem quite daunting. A humble more than heroic intervention may only invite the questioner to explore a rocky yet potentially rewarding “road less traveled.” The climb is invariably steep, slippery, and unsteady, yet vital for developing such emotional muscles as endurance, strength, frustration tolerance, mind-body-spirit balance, resilience, and agility. Continuing the battle on this “trial and error” (and sometimes, alas, “trial and terror”) path helps evolve a sense of competence, confidence and, perhaps, hard-earned wisdom. Now, with healing time, there may be the gradual embrace of life’s great tragedies as well as our own small but meaningful triumphs. For precious moments we may quiet those mind-roiling fears, flaws, and “Intimate FOE”s – Fear of Exposure; perhaps there’s even a possibility of gently cradling and blowing new life into one of our heart-rending “failures.” As I once penned:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes

One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!

Personal Reflection

Why did I write this essay? Some voice in my head, some echo in my heart wanted this encounter to live beyond its five minute lifespan. This courageous man challenged me to move beyond my own self-absorption; and he helped bring out parts of me – both head and heart – that I most value. I am grateful that this gentleman perceived me as a person he could entrust with his wounded heart. Writing enables me to bring to life this extra-ordinary encounter, to depict and share the delicacy and complexity of the moment – two men grappling with meaning, memory, and that fine line between giving of and to one’s self. Hopefully, this essay also conveys a notion of agility that animates the words of the acclaimed 20^th novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald, along with the sentiments of numerous other artists and scientists: The test of a first-rate intelligence is the capacity to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. For example, one should see things as hopeless yet be determined to make them otherwise…especially by reaching out from a precarious limb to another individual both knowledgeable and also willing to humbly accept his own limits and vulnerability.

Words to inspire emotional agility and to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

Mastering the Message, the Medium, and the Meeting: Designing Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent Phone/Web Conferences

Satirical Essay to Appear in Paradigm Magazine’s “Lighten Up” Section. A shorter version of the below will be coming out shortly. Enjoy!

Seven Keys to Mastering the Message, the Medium, and the Meeting: Designing Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent Phone/Web Conferences

One of the ironies of our ever-changing and expanding “TNT” – Time-Numbers-Technology – driven and distracted world: when it comes to electronic meetings, phone conferences, webinars, and webcasts, the need for traditional so-called “soft people skills” is more critical than ever. To build an “effective, efficient, and emotionally intelligent” audio and/or video bridge to virtual meeting participants requires both “high tech and high touch skills. Hey, if you’re like my girlfriend, I know you are a wizard with your SmartPhone and IPad (cause you’re always touting a new app, bragging on another Apple class or personal consultation, or talking about your latest time-saving discovery, etc.). Hey, my standard reply, “I’m impressed…but I have an IMind!

And apparently, many who are becoming so dependent on their gadgets appear in jeopardy of losing theirs, especially when it comes to interpersonal communication. Our attention spans and “impatience thresholds” are shrinking while that “need-to-know-right-now-the-fate-of-‘it’s-all-about-me’-world-is-on-the-line” (ntkrntfo“iaam”wiotl) attitude skyrockets out of the virtual ether, while simple common sense problem-solving appears on the verge of extinction. (For example, an otherwise bright, young out-of-town businesswoman on the DC Metro Red Line was trying so hard to figure out with her SmartPhone which train station to exit, the thought of calling the commercial establishment of her destination for directions escaped her. She was startled by my suggestion.)

The Assumptions-Anonymity-Aggression Axis

We also tend to forget that when involved in sensory-deprived communication media such as a phone or even video conference, some noteworthy effects emerge. Loss of sensory data, even on a high quality video conference, deprives us of nonverbal nuances, subtle facial gestures, and the “eyes as windows to the soul” effect as well as, of course, the energy in the room. Not only do participants jump quickly to questionable conclusions; it is easier to slip into “all or none” or “black or white” perspective if not posturing. When combined with stress and time pressures or personal "hot buttons," deficits in sensory data often mean premature inferences and rigidified assumptions come into play, especially when making judgments about other people’s motives or actions. For example, while from a different medium and a different motivation, think political campaign TV ads. Let’s call it the Karl Rove, political pit-bull effect. (Hmmm…I wonder if the PETA folks are going to accuse me of defamation of character.)

Also, sensory deficit and a sense of anonymity reduce a capacity for empathy; it makes it harder to walk in another’s shoes (and especially to feel their bunions). It also hardens the assumptive arteries, slows down blood flow to the brain, and makes it easier to aggress against an invisible, virtual, hardly flesh and blood target. (In fact, the Skypeian Age means the expression “f-2-f” no longer works as shorthand for live, face-to-face, being in the same room dialogue. Now we need an “fl-2-fl” acronym – flesh-to-flesh – for capturing the interactive potential to literally “reach out and crush…I mean touch someone.”

The electronic age allows for all kind of aggressive interaction; when hiding behind a keyboard or IPad screen or “Not so Smart” phone, it’s easy to take on a Dirty Harry, “Make My Day” avatar. (And this is not just a male issue; there are plenty of Rambettes prowling the Internet.) Remember, your primitive brain is hardwired not only to a flashing and fiery tongue but also to those dart- and flame-throwing thumbs and fingers. I think we need a new mantra: Anonymity is the father of aggression!

Boneheads and Bonapartes

Alas, I warned about the effects of Internet anonymity and acting out aggression through electronic counterstriking with the ‘90s essay, “Is It an Email or E-missile?” The essay was inspired by a DC think tank consultant who wasn’t thinking. Engaged in a long distance electronic debate that was becoming increasingly personal, our hero mistakenly hits the “Send All” button. Now a scathingly “hot” email becomes a “heat seeking” missile, but not for the intended target-antagonist across the country. This screaming missile-missive explodes in about a thousand inboxes around the globe. Big surprise: the next day, the director of the think tank has him in my office for “Anger Management” sessions.

There’s an inverse relationship between anonymity and aggression (perceiver aggression goes up ↑) and anonymity and empathy (perceiver empathy goes down ↓). Hmm…maybe some use of the “mute” button not just for distraction but for detachment – to short-circuit morphing into a mutant monster – is not such a bad idea.

And when it comes to running a meeting, especially the phone conference variety, personality transformations are not uncommon. An IT Officer of a bank shared how when the CEO holds electronic phone conferences he becomes a pushy, “little Napoleon.” When running a live, fl-2-fl, in-the-same-room meeting he’s still a no-nonsense, “let’s get it done” leader; however, the bodies and eyes in the room evoke a degree of executive concern for how the living, breathing, emotionally sentient social group is appraising him. Some form of social approval-social control helps tamp down Mr. B.s excess testosterone and lurking, aggressive shadow side.

The Strategic Seven

Clearly, it takes a level of emotional insight-communicational intelligence to navigate these technologically turbulent channels. To build that “High Tech and High Touch Phone & Web Conferencing Bridge,” you can’t do better than The Superior, Scintillating, and Strategic Seven – Rule Your Virtual Universe. (However, there is a caveat. These strategies may be hazardous to the ironically-impaired.):

1. Plan the Nike Way. Don’t waste time with a preconference or webinar dry run, just because someone in IT is a “Nervous Nerdie.” You go with the flow. (Of course, the tech support person’s tears may be flowing.) In addition, when preparing for a conference, don’t get bogged down with planned or structured agendas; in fact, why have an agenda of any kind. And forget about time limits for presenters. Bring your spontaneity; you believe in “Chaos Theory”; and you once had an improv class. This is the age of hyper-speed and hypertext. Just do it…Don’t overthink or direct it!”

2. Darwin Not Robert’s Rules. Without a structured agenda, the fastest, loudest, brashest, and BOLDEST talkers or typers insure the survival of the fittest ideas and plans. Of course, there’s a clear way to transform Darwinian discourse into meaningful dialog...but open, “Helmet’s off,” “No rank in the room” discussion is just a fantasy; besides, it takes way too much energy and effort. So just put everyone on “mute” for the meeting; then leave two minutes for questions at the end. (People will likely rush off for a coffee or bathroom break; you shouldn’t have any need to fill those closing minutes.)

Perhaps, some people will multi-task during your presentation. At least people won’t be bored; there won’t be all that distracting input, insight, and interaction, or that petty nitpicking of your ideas, nor any challenge to your egoal-driven, on-track (or is it one-track?) strategic mind and plan. While some claim, “Repetition and competition may be the law of nature but variation and cooperation appear to be the rule of life!”…bah humbug. You’re a “natural law” leader. (For example, see Adam Gopnik’s, Angels and Ages: Darwin, Lincoln and a Short Book about Modern Life.)

3. Take Command. Of course, sometimes there’s not time for any of this feel good, democratic participation. Hey, if you’re the program leader or presenter, once you get on a roll, maintain that role. You’ve earned your stripes and that “Monarchical Monologue.” You have a compelling vision; others must see its unassailable wisdom. (And don’t let some smart mouth tell you that sometimes there’s a fine line between vision and hallucination!)

4. Stay on Point after Point. And just because you sense people are not totally following your message, don’t distract yourself or cloud the dispatch by checking in with the audience. Continue to reiterate your ideas or, better yet, tell another mentally meandering, yet so obviously illuminating story…and another. Specifically defined end points are for obsessive control freaks; life’s a journey.

Remember, you’re not running a focus group. When you want others’ opinions, you’ll ask. Ask any marketing maven: many times you must keep repeating a message before it sinks in. And if someone accuses you of being an egotist or an elitist, simply declare, “Au contraire.” You are a kindred spirit of the Energizer Bunny…You just keep talking…and talking…and talking!

5. It’s Not Power Point for Nothing. If people object to your spontaneous and repetitious storytelling, show them. Bombard your audience with power point slides, and follow the text to the letter. If you want to throw in some gratuitous graphics, go ahead. But never lose sight of the power of a tightly scripted idea. You can distill complex issues into non-deviating bullets and sound bites. The best pols (politicians) do it all the time, speaking of power and the survival of the fittest.

6. If You Must, Take a Poll. If participants view electronic meetings as “Big Brother in the Virtual Ether” and are reluctant to disclose, then subtly worded poll Qs just may have a polygraphic effect. At minimum, for poll questions not to be a time waster, cram several issues into each poll question. Complex questions with multiple parts to the question, the more abstract the better, make you seem erudite. They may generate some confusion but people will hang onto your every word, especially if there’s an evaluative quiz at the end; just as if you were a distinguished academic professor. Which leads us to…

7. Develop an Academic Presentational Style. Commanding presentation demands a serious, authoritative, all-knowing, and lofty if not a tad haughty oratorical presence. Consistent tone or monotone – as in monologue – suggests gravitas and not a “hobgoblin of little minds.” Polish and precision trumps personal sharing and earthly passion every time, despite that Frenchman, La Rouchefoucald’s, warning: Passions are the only orators which always persuade. They are like an act of nature, the rules of which are infallible; and the simplest man who has some passion persuades better than the most eloquent who has none. Come on…what can some 17th century man of letters tell us about a TNT world where the medium is the message???

Closing Summary

Many people are not sold on these new electronic learning, sharing, and decision-making arenas. And even fewer seem to have mastered a capacity for imparting information and generating interactive discussion and decision-making. Yet, of course, companies and organizations are flocking to all variety of virtual venues. It’s a perfect storm for an early adaptor wanting to impart his or her own mind-print on “Effective, Efficient and Emotionally Intelligent Electronic Conferencing.” So try the “Stress Doc’s Seven Superior and Scintillating Strategies.” You too can rise above if not master the message, the medium, and the meeting (and even the masses) and rule your virtual world!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services. Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.