The Stress Doc’s Critical Intervention-Chicken Gumbo Recipe for Soothing the Heart, Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion – Part II

The Stress Doc illustrates parallel “hybrid” – focused and flexible – processes in preparing for an emotionally challenging Critical Incident (CI) Intervention and attempting to relive and convey the “trauma-grief debrief” experience on the page or screen.  The paradoxical goal:  to soothe the heart and sustain the soul...and to make order from chaos and even generate some chaos from order!

http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2014/02/performance-mood-mindset-and.html

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The Stress Doc’s Critical Intervention-Chicken Gumbo Recipe for Soothing the Heart, Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion – Part II

 

“Critical Intervening and Creative Writing – Part I” outlined parallel “hybrid” processes for achieving a focused and flexible despite being a tad fearful mindset when:  a) preparing for an emotionally challenging Critical Incident (CI) Intervention, especially one involving a time-limited  large group session and b) also attempting to relive and convey the “trauma-grief debrief” experience on the page or screen.

 

Specifically, the previous evening, a popular employee, a male nurse, had been brutally killed outside of work, most likely in a crime of domestic passion.  In each of the two 20-minute “grief debrief” sessions about twenty hospital colleagues clustered in the ward information-control desk area.  A subdued, if not heavy, tension was palpable, especially during the second session as the deceased had worked in this unit.

 

Now, as promised, here’s the strategic content-process “step-by-step” recipe for a time limited, large group CI & Grief orientation-engagement. (Please know that deviations and trial and error experimentations will be highly likely and/or necessary.)  Let’s call this “The Stress Doc’s Critical Intervention-Chicken Gumbo for Soothing the Heart, Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion.”

 

1.  First Impression.  Addressing the assembly, the Human Resources Director began her brief introduction of me and why I was present with a reflexive “good morning.”  My first words:  “Normally I would say ‘good morning,’ but today’s is not a good morning; it’s a very tough one.”  Immediately I had distinguished myself and my role while demonstrating an awareness of the emotional state and place of the folks in the room.  It wouldn’t be business as usual, yet…

 

2.  Getting Down to Business.  Having only 20 minutes necessitates a strategic opening and basic outline, including:

a) sharing some common traumatic effects of sudden and horrific death (a violent death often heightens the sense of trauma) and grief – e.g., an immediate state of shock, feeling numb, sadness, generalized angst, and/or anger (ranging from being angry with God and fate to the deceased, himself), social withdrawal, feeling bereft or emotionally out of control, possibly losing one’s appetite (or overusing substances to numb pain), having difficulty sleeping, etc.

 

b) placing these stress and loss smoke signals in a time frame, that is, the presence of some or a number of the above effects for a handful of days is fairly normal, (unless, of course, these grief signals are of overwhelming intensity); if the distracting or disturbing presence of any effects approach two weeks, then an assessment with an Employee Assistance Grief Counselor is strongly advisable.  And here’s why…

 

3.  Trauma takes off the Stress and “Grief Ghost” Cover.  Another piece of educational information relates to the disruptive potential of a sudden traumatic experience:

a) individuals currently experiencing high levels of stress in their lives, separate from the tensions related to the death of a colleague, are more likely to have heightened reactions to the immediate loss; they don’t have room to handle another stressor on their emotional plate and

 

b) consciously or not, we all carry around some emotional baggage from our psychosocial-historical past; if a person has not sufficiently grieved a previous loss – actual or psychological – especially regarding significant others or family/group relations, then the weight of this baggage becomes more onerous.  For such a burdened individual, a traumatic experience:

1) either increases the heaviness of one’s emotional load or

 

2) breaks open your luggage; now painful feelings and memories from the past – what I call “grief ghosts” – begin or are primed to flood your work-life space.  During trauma or “crisis,” defenses are lowered or punctured, the mask is uncovered.  People often wonder why they are having such a strong reaction to the immediate tragedy:  “Why am I suddenly thinking of people who don’t typically appear on, let alone crowd, my psychic radar?”  The short answer:  you are likely grappling with multiple losses – one’s both immediate and historic.  Consider this poignant example:  several days after 911, my webmaster, a former US Army officer and Vietnam combat vet, couldn’t understand why he was still having a vague sense of unease.  Asking a few questions helped him reconnect to the subterranean memory of having lost his wife decades earlier in a tragic house fire.  He had been unsuccessful in his rescue attempts.  Trauma surfaces the overt and the covert.

 

During the CI, I did not share these lines; however, they are certainly apt:

 

Grief Ghosts:  A Viral or Vital Metamorphosis

 

And the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding a fire that chokes dreams and desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?

 

Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.

 

Wait…Perhaps there is still time to reach for the sublime:

Grieve, let go…and grow with the flow!

 

© Mark Gorkin  2012

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

 

4.  Grief Is Still Individual.  Finally, upon reviewing useful grief data, remind one and all there is no one right way or exact timetable for grieving.  The process is truly personal, based on one’s life stage and experience, temperament, cultural influence, etc.  I do close this portion of the session with a heartfelt Stress Doc ™ adage:  There’s a real difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your sorrow.  When feeling sorry for yourself, you are likely blaming others.  When feeling your sorrow, you have the courage to face your pain.  And there will be times when each and every one of us must face and embrace our sorrow!”

 

5.  Changing Direction.  We had arrived at a transition point.  I paused and asked if anyone wanted to speak.  In one group, initially, no one responded.  (This is not so surprising when many are feeling numb or are still in a state of shock; still others are not sure what to say.)  In the second session, one person shared a general observation about life’s vulnerability.  And then silence loomed; I affirmed this was understandable.

 

6.  The Power of Silence.  A suggestion:  consider going with the flow.  Ask for a minute of silence so all could all be with their own thoughts.  Based on my experience as a group facilitator, an uneasy or weighted quiet often is a stimulus and space for helping people focus, and get more centered.  Ironically, silence itself becomes a lubricant for communication.  And in fact, participants in both groups began sharing personal, heartfelt stories capturing some poignant or playful interaction with the deceased.  In each group, one or two revealed the recent death of a significant family member.

 

7.  Build On the Sharing.  I mentioned there may be several ways of memorializing the deceased, beyond a service, including a visual-verbal picture-board or scrapbook, planting a garden, or turning an activity that the deceased enjoyed into an annual event, etc.  (For example, one hospital department named a bocce tournament for a fallen colleague who enjoyed the pastime.)

 

Then, with time running down, I compressed a grief exercise into a head- and heart-provoking encounter.  After summarizing many of the positive qualities mentioned, and also surmising the deceased “wasn’t always an angel” – sometime he might even be a “pain in the butt” (which elicited some knowing laughter) – I then posed a powerful question…

 

8.  An Existential-Spiritual Challenge.  “What would happen if each one identified a trait or quality that they admired or valued in the deceased? … And, too, if all committed to cultivating that trait within ourselves?”  While time constraints did not permit group discussion, I answered as follows:  “First, I believe you’d be giving yourself a gift by honoring your colleague.  And second, if each person took up this challenge, while your colleague would no longer be physically present, his spirit would certainly walk the hospital halls.”  The energy rise in the room was palpable.

 

9.  Closing Review and Resources.  After thanking everyone for their attention and for the individual sharing, I briefly affirmed the depth of emotion that can be evoked by trauma and grief.  Also underscored was the importance, during such trying times, of having a personal and/or professional ear and shoulder to lean on; a “stress buddy,” as I like to call it.  Sometimes, after the shock wears off, the pain and confusion may warrant talking to a professional.  Again, I reminded people of the availability of the Employee Assistance Program for free time-limited stress and grief consultation or counseling.  And finally, the HR Director reminded people that I would be available for one-on-one meetings after the group session..

 

I hope this strategic content-process “step-by-step” yet fluid recipe for acute stress relief and grief counseling proves useful should your company or organization find itself in the throes of life-and-death trauma.  Unfortunately, such understanding and capacity for therapeutic response may be increasingly critical in a rapidly changing world that too often appears to be outpacing the human and organizational capacity to adapt.  More than ever…Practice Safe Stress!

 

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc also leads “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Critical Intervening and Creative Writing: Parallel Processes for Soothing the Heart, Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion – Part l

The Stress Doc illustrates parallel “hybrid” – focused and flexible – processes in preparing for an emotionally challenging Critical Incident Intervention and attempting to relive and capture the “grief debrief” experience on the page or screen.  The paradoxical goal:  to soothe the heart and sustain the soul...and to make order from chaos and even generate some chaos from order!

Critical Intervening and Creative Writing:  Parallel Processes for Soothing the Heart, Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion – Part l

At first, the intention of this essay was to provide a “content-process recipe” for a time-limited Critical Incident Debriefing involving the number of folks who crowd into the information-control central area of a typical hospital ward.  (Let’s say about twenty or so.)  And the recipe will be outlined in due course; actually in Part II.  However, as I let my fingers, mind, and words unfold on the keyboard and screen, parallels began percolating between preparing to write this piece and getting ready to lead and facilitate a critical intervention.  Certain events, like public speaking or facilitating a Critical Incident Intervention in the aftermath of some individual tragedy and organizational trauma, helps generate a hybrid mind space and set:  initially hyper-alert yet receptive and, hopefully, responsive as well as goal-driven, there often rises a need and desire for my own personal debriefing. Emotional catharsis and integration is facilitated by a post-intervention transitional space for reflection and written expression.

Linking the Cognitive and the Meditative
 

More specifically, each speaking and writing experience involves some mental rehearsal of key psycho-situational elements and strategies.  Almost simultaneously there’s a meditative-like contemplation of new relations among the ingredients – in real time the unfolding interactive and internal data and theories, tools, and techniques – along with the methods for cooking this informational gumbo.  An “R and R” – Rehearsal and Reflection – process allows swirling elements to slow and settle enough so that a point of entry emerges from the steamy mist.  Naturally, both arenas engage various ideas and memories derived from this and other intervention experiences.  From trial and error (sometimes terror; see below) experiences as a presenter and scribe I’ve gleaned hard earned wisdom:
a) a clear and concise initial focus along with,
b) a subsequent blend of rough logical outline and intuitive-trust your gut (while still seeking feedback) flexibility,
c) tends to be essential for a rational-reflective-responsive performance tool kit.
 

Performance Angst and Analysis, Adaptations and Art
 

In addition, the two settings stir performance anxiety, especially when alone, face-to-face with that computer scream, I mean screen.  To move beyond this “on the edge” self means silencing the “I’m not ready to do this” angst, and then leaping into the abyss.  Okay, I’m being a tad dramatic; it means throwing this cognitive-affective mix onto an electronic canvas – and then exploring next steps.  Sometimes the process is feverish; alas, sometimes I’m seemingly paralyzed, fortunate to be moving at a snail’s pace.

Nonetheless, I’m convinced, in Yin/Yang fashion, the courage to remain vulnerable during this crisis window of “danger and opportunity” heightens the grief learning curve both for presenter and participants.  Being at a loss, angry with or despairing of the status quo, thirsting for authentic connection and new possibility lays the groundwork for emotionally insightful, expressive, and creative vitality and connection.  For me, both speaking and writing are performance arts.  (It’s also possible that periodically watching the Winter Olympics – from preparation to performance, from elation to profound dejection – has helped prime my current thought process.)
 

The challenge is making sense over a period of time of a large and complex data configuration – whether doing a group grief session or, after the fact, trying to analyze the same.  With public presentation or group facilitation, once playing the opening move, a myriad of verbal and nonverbal emotional and communicational data points begin firing back at you.  And the trick is to make adjustments on your feet while still trusting your basic “walk the talk” path.  Also, to mix metaphors, as a writer, knowing when to deviate from the path and make your own finger prints; or expecting keyboard throwing to set the stage for predictable and surprising cutting and pasting, rewriting and editing maneuvers, including seeking input from outside sources.  Of course, as a conference speaker or a hospital grief consultant, I’m making my opening moves and editorial adaptations both in my mind and in front of an audience, an audience that may range from the receptive to the hostile.  And everything is happening Right Now!
 

Speaking and Writing in Rich Air and Ambiance
 

As a writer, I am most focused and impassioned shortly after actively experiencing and authentically engaging with an emotionally, physically, and/or interpersonally challenging situation or crisis state…even, at times, by reliving a provocative or disturbing dream.  Doing Critical Incident Work, interacting with people on the edge of tears and trauma, when words and nonverbal communication truly have the capacity to compassionately touch or turn off minds, hearts, and souls…this unpredictably sensitive yet vital surround enables me to breathe enriched oxygen.  Let me set the stage…
 

Before commencing the critical grief engagement, waiting in the wings to be introduced, the senses are finely tuned; my brain is on high alert.  I’m psycho-physiologically aroused yet, surprisingly, there’s an idling quiet, maybe a tad edgy calm.  The memory banks are open but on standby as I have few preconceived expectations.  My mind-body is in a focused-fluid space, both absorbing the scene with “soft” eyes and ears while scanning the environment for anomalies and possible noteworthy cues.  And this relaxed yet hyper-alert condition records and encodes emotional images and ideas will be accessible for review and reflection, if not imaginative reverie and wordplay, for some extended time period.  (Of course, recall is aided by jotting down brief yet salient points and images shortly after the charged or critical event.  However, if another experience, even more compelling or disruptive, captures or jams my mental radar, then the challenge becomes restoring some dynamic equilibrium.  I have to psychologically work my way back to that relaxed and attuned, “word artist” state; once again attempting to induce a hopefully pregnant, flexibly focused mind ready to plunge into that blank screen, that compelling, Siren-like writer’s web.)  As mentioned above, fortunately, this enriched atmosphere has a fairly long shelf life, enabling me to transport and harness this pulsating O₂ for the keyboard arena.

Finding Order in Chaos and Even Stirring Some Chaos in Order

As a grief consultant, a primary goal is helping employees make some sense of the incomprehensible tragedy of a life suddenly (and sometimes brutally) swept out of their personal lives and communal work space.  I also want to them to better understand the array of emotions and memories often triggered in the face of shocking news; to facilitate some heartfelt sharing while mutually designing a resilient border around the silently smoldering, streaming, or fuming chaos.
 

Clearly, as a grief consultant and writer, I too strive for deepened self-awareness.  Such understanding is enhanced by reflectively sketching, shaping, and sharing ideas and images, intuitions and insights gleaned in the lion’s den.  At the same time, both as writer and speaker, when the timing is right I occasionally induce some chaos (or creative confusion, e.g., through novel conception, unexpected expression, thought-provoking challenge, etc.) from order or convention.  I’ll even inject some “healing humor” when the moment seems apt.  As the pioneering film genius, Charlie Chaplin observed:  A paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny.  We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces…and in order not to go crazy.
 

For example, I recently performed a “Shrink Rap” ™ during a group grief debrief.  Not only did participants begin to relax for the first time in days, staff also began laughing and swaying to my questionable rhythm.  People now realized it was okay to share a light-hearted moment within a dark background and laugh collectively.  Generating order from chaos and stimulating some chaos from order is a high priority objective, whether as a speaker, grief consultant, work-life coach, or writer.
 

Content-Process Guidelines for a Critical Incident Intervention
 

We are finally ready for my strategic intervention recipe, where the meal has to be prepared, served, and digested in twenty minutes.  (I’m beginning to feel like a contestant on some performance-based reality show.)  Actually, the serving a meal metaphor may not be so farfetched.  Shortly after completing the two 20-mintue interventions, the Hospital Chaplin approached me.  She thanked me for coming and then said:  “You had them in the palm of your hands.”  Taken aback, I was truly touched by her words.  Apparently, I was not only offering “food for thought,” but a balm for the heart, sustenance for the soul, and hope for the future.

In closing, the event to be examined is a blend – both Critical Incident Intervention and public presentation.  And, hopefully, my speaking-writing parallel gumbo has sufficiently whetted your appetite so you’ll stay for the rest of the dinner, which will be served in Part II.  Until then, just remember…Practice Safe Stress!

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc also leads “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The New "R & R": Now the Stress Recovery & Resiliency Work Begins

As the government shutdown comes to an "end," alas, for the short-term, there's nearly as much looming uncertainty as there is immediate relief.  What's needed are supportive -- "High Task and Human Touch" interventions to:

1) help folks recover from the recent tension and chaos,

2) rebuild some sense of trust, transparency, and team spirit, and
3) develop stress resiliency-psychological hardiness skills for managing anxiety and positively responding to future changes.  (See below, the "Four Skills-Strategies" that distinguished Psychologically Hardy from Vulnerable Ma Bell Execs during the traumatic break-up of the company thirty years ago.)

Shortly after the Navy Yard tragedy, I sent out a proactive training program recommendation.  One response was from a colleague at the FBI's Training Division, Quantico, Virginia:

Hi Mark,

To answer your question, yes, this is a much needed program. However, no one has any funding to pay for such a program right now. We are still facing 2014 budget cuts and the potential of weekly furloughs.

To put it simply, things are a mess with the federal government right now.

You could contact some agencies to try to get your foot in the door by possibly offering some free or very low cost programs. That would be my recommendation. If you could sell agencies on the cost benefit to them – e.g. the value of healthy, less-stressed employees as far as productivity and reduced time off.  [And the chance of preventing or reducing trauma-inducing hazardous work environment incidents.  This individual requested her name not be used.]

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So this is my offer to do a "free or very low cost program" for your branch, division, or agency.  I have outlined a Stress Resiliency program for Metro Transit leaders and employees that I've been doing for several years.  (Also, I'm a former Stress, Violence Prevention. Team Building Consultant for the US Postal Service.  I've also done numerous Stress & Team Building Leadership Retreats for the US Military.)

Please email or call with any questions or ideas.  The "Shootings and Shutdowns" program offering is follows the Psychological Hardiness section.

Best wishes and remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin

stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com
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Psychological Hardiness

Psychological hardiness is a concept developed by Dr. Suzanne Kobasa and her research team while studying the health of AT&T executives during the stressful breakup of “Ma Bell.” Some execs were having a hard time physically and emotionally, while others were coping effectively with the transitional storm. The hardiest executives demonstrated what I call the “Four C’s of Psychological Hardiness”:

a. Commitment.  The hardy execs while not crazy about all the changes were still committed to doing really good work.  They also were committed to finding work-life balance; they were not spending long nights at work hoping they would be rewarded for self-sacrifice.

b. Control.  These effective execs understood that they would have to let go of some real control; they did not bury themselves in their silos, but were more open to exploring new assignments and role-responsibility shifts.

c. Change.  The most stress resilient were able to release considerable control as they understood that “change happens.”  These individuals were quicker to grieve their loss, perceived or actual.  They were also quicker to jump into new learning curves; and did not fight being an uncomfortable beginner.  I would say their personal mantra; I’m a learner not a loser!

d. Conditioning.  The hardiest execs engaged in regular aerobic exercise or physical conditioning.  Not only does exercise help you stay fit, manage your weight and improve your endurance and cardiovascular health, but it also releases mood-lifting bio-chemicals, a good antidote to mild feelings of agitation and/or depression.  Also, when everything’s up in the air--you can’t seem to close any projects or meet elusive deadlines--structured exercise provides a self-defined beginning and endpoint, for a tangible self of accomplishment and control.

How about instituting a wellness/hardiness program or competition among departments, with some team rewards at the end of the challenge?

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Day-long Stress Resiliency Training for Leaders

In the past year or so, I have been periodically doing a series of one-day Stress Resiliency programs for Managers and Supervisors at Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  (I have been doing training programs for WMATA for over fifteen years.)  Usually, there are about five to a dozen attendees.

Topics covered include:

> stress smoke signals/pathways and burnout stages
> 6 "R"s of Burnout Recovery/Prevention
> work-life change challenges and losses
> unfinished grieving and engaging "grief ghosts"
> 4 "R's of PRO Relating:  Being Respectful, Real, Responsible, and Responsive
> acclaimed relaxation-visualization exercise
> Natural SPEED Formula for stress resiliency and brain agility

However, the biggest tool is the open, supportive, and honest interaction among participants; we create a therapy-like atmosphere with strategic and compassionate facilitation.  And a touch of Stress Doc humor.  People feel safe with the intimate level of sharing.  As one Supervisor noted:  "I never thought I would be able to discuss my personal issues in the workplace!"

The response has been dramatic and almost uniformly terrific.  Only one time did an individual question whether it was safe to be open about "personal" issues.  We subsequently engaged this concern with all members, and reached consensus -- each person would share at his or her level of comfort.

Three constants:  1) many folks are vigilant about burnout, 2) almost all in the workplace are engaged with some form of loss that has not been sufficiently grieved, contributing to anxiety, smoldering anger, and depressed feelings, and 3) this lingering loss impacts productive energy, focus, and the quality of workplace relationships.  The bonding among participants is palpable.  Many "take home" a new "stress buddy."

The workshop also has a prevention component.  I can quickly identify those who might benefit from an EAP or counseling referral.  And because of the relationship developed and head work-heart work-homework already done, people are receptive.

I wonder if this might not be a valuable tool for a wide-variety of employees, especially for leaders or leaders-in-waiting.

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Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™: Shootings and Shutdowns: Once Again On the Edge
or
http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2013/10/shootings-and-shutdowns-once-again-on.html

Shootings and Shutdowns:  Once Again on the Edge

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, LICSW

For many in the Greater-Metro DC area, the close proximity in time and space between the Washington Navy Yard tragedy and the Government Shutdown travesty has only heightened a sense of vulnerability.  Of course, none are more impacted than Federal Employees.  Yet, even if not a Fed, so many folks in this region are connected to the federal government for their livelihood and well-being.  Holding the government hostage has wide-spread and profound ramifications.  Individuals and families are once again living on a political and psychological precipice.

As a friend and federal employee passionately noted after the Navy Yard horror, some system-wide support, including timely information updates, more than just water cooler discussion, would have been vital to help federal employees cope with their own emotions as well as the status of family, friends, and colleagues.  In her shop, “no one talked about their feelings or concerns…I was praying for families and friends.”  And one suspects she and many others are praying such a rampage does not happen again.

Also not surprisingly, this current intersection of crises stirs memories related to previous shutdowns or threats as well as previous shootings (e.g., the sniper-related reign of terror back in 2002).  Grief ghosts will likely be walking the halls and cubes of government buildings as well as in basements and warehouses for the foreseeable future.  Employees won’t just be burnt up; many will be feeling burnt out!

When this brinksmanship finally ends, there will be numbers of employees who will not be able to return to “business as usual.”  While some individuals may benefit from counseling services through the federal Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), federal agencies can send a much more positive and proactive message.  Agencies need to recognize the normative nature of trauma-induced or trauma-related stress as well as the tension inherent in repeated exposure to critical uncertainty.  Large numbers of people may need time to vent and share with their colleagues, including the need for some communal grief work and emotional/team support. We recommend the following intervention/prevention steps to positively move people through this challenging if not crisis-riddled time:

1.  Management Training:  Helping managers and supervisors understand the impact of the challenges and crises hitting federal employees today, including the likelihood of stress-induced or trauma-like echoes.  Also, we know that individuals who are carrying around their own personal pressures and tensions, not related to the recent upheavals, can become more anxious, feel more out of control, during such a stormy period. Such training will enable management personnel to more compassionately, effectively, and efficiently recognize and reach out to individuals needing more collegial or professional assistance.  This training would also help managers facilitate some team sharing and support.  Of course, some of the management personnel may need their own counseling, coaching, or emotional support.  Again, some folks are still uncomfortable reaching out to the EAP.  This strategic step would provide an additional resource.

2.  Employee Support.  Two forms of employee support quickly come to mind:

a. All Hands Meetings – this would provide some of the content mentioned above; again, it’s a way of helping the branch or division, as a community, to gain vital information and to acknowledge the recent confusion and chaos; sharing and grieving is seen as normal and natural; a 30-60 minute session seems appropriate

b. Support Groups – these groups would be voluntary and smaller in number (based on Mark Gorkin’s experience as a stress and critical incident consultant, group size should not exceed fifteen).  And, if given sufficient time, say one half-day, some productive grieving and individual/team healing can occur.  And this setting will enable a trained facilitator to identify and encourage individuals needing more emotional support to seek appropriate assistance.

The bottom line:  Through no fault of their own, federal employees are caught in a political crossfire.  Eventually, appropriate follow-up debriefing and/or additional support will be needed.  The above interventions will help employees be more resilient in managing the aftermath of these stressors; people will sooner be able to productively resume their missions, roles and responsibilities.  And in contrast to the factions of dysfunctional stalemate, federal management will be perceived as a constructive force for the greater good. 

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, “The Stress Doc” ™
Stress and Critical Incident Consultant

stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com

Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home
3 Steps to Overcome Procrastination Video -- http://vimeo.com/73783964
Shrink Rap Video Link: https://vimeo.com/69053828


Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc leads one-day "Stress Resiliency" workshops for "METRO" Managers and Supervisors of the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  "The Doc" is also a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company.  Mark leads highly interactive, innovative, and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.  And click https://vimeo.com/69053828 for the Stress Doc's wildly pioneering "Shrink Rap" video.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"

The Missing Parent Syndrome (MPS): How Psychosocial Loss Impacts Adult Children & Strategies for Building Bridges and Reworking the Grief – Pt I

Two recent events reminded me of what I am dubbing “MPS” – the Missing Parent Syndrome.  The parent is not literally missing; more MPS reflects a sudden, overwhelming event or illness, and/or chronic condition (e.g., a serious stroke, perhaps with lingering post-depressive symptoms, or ongoing dysfunctional substance abuse, maybe even severe workaholic patterns, etc.) that affect mind-body-psyche health, feeling of fragility vs. hardiness, sense of self, and capacity for mature engagement with others.

In addition, the Missing Parent may be away for lengthy periods of time because of the type of work; think of a mother or father in or employed by the military stationed overseas.  Of course, a person temporarily living outside the family doesn’t automatically breed an MPS scenario.  However, upon the MP’s return, if this individual and/or the family have prolonged difficulty with reintegrating healthy partner-parental roles, the extended household may be sowing MPS seeds.

The MP just cannot be as emotionally available as they were before the bio-psycho-social turning point.  There’s a new or exaggerated self-centeredness, callousness, or pronounced cautiousness; their defensive and self-protective walls have gone up limiting give and take openness and authenticity.  The MP will push you away – passively or aggressively – if you get too close to their pain or shame.  And if the pattern persists, what may have been a psychological-interpersonal problem for the child can take on biochemical dimensions, including states of intense agitation, aggression, and/or depression.  And this phenomenon is particularly pronounced and hurtful when the parent is still physically present in the child’s life.  Also, MPS may involve adult children of almost any age as much as youngsters and teens.

Let me provide some “Missing Parent” examples, along with key family dynamics, followed by some MSP intervention strategies:

1.  Lonely, Wounded Mother and “Clinging” Son.  A Supervisor, who I’ll call Eric, in a recent workshop with five other management-level colleagues, shared how his once vital mother (now in her 50s) has become depressed, has gained considerable weight, and mostly stays at home.  Actually, it’s been ten years since she really has been that vibrant fun loving woman Eric once knew and still longs for.  Ten years ago this late 20s gentlemen left for the military.  Also, his younger brother graduated high school and was spending less time at home.  More recently, Eric has become engaged and his fiancée is expecting.  He did not mention any involvement between his mother and his fiancée.

In addition to the family separation issues, I suspect “grief ghosts” were rearing and roaring.  The oldest son’s father had left the household when he was one.  The father eventually remarried and there has been really no involvement with the family.  For this man, the mother, not the father, is the “missing parent.”

However, the mother has always been bitter about the loss; and I’m sure her ex’s remarrying only added that proverbial salt to the wound.  In fact, over the years Eric shared how his mother would scold him for behaving “like his father.”  He acknowledged looking like his father.  Still, when Eric drives fifty miles to be with his mother, this young man can’t understand why she won’t make an effort to get dressed or doesn’t want to go out and have a good time.  In addition to not understanding her depression, he refuses to recognize that his mom, at least for the foreseeable future, will not be recapturing her former, seemingly joyful manner of living.  Not surprisingly, Eric himself is becoming increasingly depressed by the visits.  And, alas, he knows his mother will not seek medical assistance for her depression.

Interventions:  Logical and Psychological

a) Logical.  Not surprisingly, the group wanted Eric to “honor thy mother,” to accept where she is and just “be” with her.  A popular suggestion was staying home and sharing Chinese delivery.  And, of course, a vital component of mature love is placing another’s needs before one’s own.  (At the same time, one must be aware of possible unhealthy self-denial patterns, e.g., giving one’s self away and thereby enabling another’s dysfunctional behavior and decision-making.)

b) Psychological.  It’s vital to recognize that before a person can implement logical problem-solving, he may have to engage in psychological processing.  And in this instance, Eric needed to own his anger fueled by unrealistic expectations of his mother.  In addition to not understanding his mom’s depression, he is presently trapped by irrational anger.  But at a deeper emotional level, his anger distracts from a painful sadness regarding the reality of his mother’s compromised state and living condition.  And sometimes children can be frightened by role reversal – when a parent becomes less functional and increasingly needy.

In addition, it’s hard to say precisely what impact Eric beginning a new family is having on his mother; it is possible some old echoes (abandoned by Eric’s father) and fears of further disconnection are being stirred.  Of course, mom may be worried that she will be eclipsed by her son’s new constellation.

After much back and forth with the group, the true complexity of the family entanglement began dawning on Eric.  He seemed receptive about calling the EAP for guidance.  In hindsight, I wish I had more specifically explored or mentioned two resources:  1) does his mom belong to a church, and might a church member make a home visit? and 2) if contacted, a counselor from a United Way Family Counseling Agency would likely make a home visit, with the hope of developing a supportive relationship with his mother.  The longer term goal, naturally, would be getting Eric’s mom the medical and therapeutic help she needs.

And finally, counseling for Eric would allow him to grieve the lost “idealized mother,” enabling him to feel less deprived and burdened.  And with this step, he has a real fighting chance to become a more realistically caring son.  In addition, Eric spoke of a conflict with an older woman in the workplace that certainly had “mother-child” overtones.  When MPS issues are not acknowledged, disguised or misguided battles invariably break out.

And in Part II, I will do some exploration that hits close to home:  how the death of my girlfriend Diana’s 19 y.o. daughter, and Diana’s subsequent emotional devastation and withdrawal, impacted the relationship with her still living 17 y.o. daughter.  And why and how, nineteen years later, opportunity arose to:  1) revisit this painful “missing parent” issue and 2) clear up and clean up much of the wound.  Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring, and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/Wellness/OD Company.  He is providing "Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet.  His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Adding Insult to Injury: When a Type A-Driven Company Shuts Down Workplace Grief – Part I

This is a rant disguised as a thoughtful essay. However, before spewing, (hopefully without making an ash of myself) let me provide some background data. Contemplation will follow ventilation, i.e., some meaningful and supportive ideas regarding the grief process.

The Anti-Wailing Wall (Street) Story

A prominent financial securities company requested a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention. One of their long-time brokers, a gentleman in his late 50s, married with a son in college, had recently retired. (I will call him Paul.) Actually, Paul’s decision to retire was not truly voluntary despite his being much beloved and admired for his gregarious and very giving nature. For many years Paul productively shared time, energy, and resources with one and all – from colleagues to community charities. (He was reported to have 35,000 names in his Rolodex!) 

Alas, Paul was likely suffering from a worsening bipolar illness over the past two years. Like many in the financial industry, he seemed to lead a high risk-high reward “larger than life” work-lifestyle. Apparently, the repressed economic conditions and concomitant stress had taken a toll on the status of his client list and his mind-body, bringing to the forefront pre-existing manic-depressive tendencies. Paul’s behavior at work was becoming increasingly erratic, and he needed to be hospitalized. Despite several attempts by the company to support the treatment plan, Paul would check himself out of the hospital against medical advice. He also was not taking the prescribed medication, and was becoming increasingly suspicious and pessimistic in his thinking. Unfortunately, untreated bipolar illness can be fatal; not surprisingly, over the weekend, two days before my arrival, Paul committed suicide with a handgun blast to the head. 

Why the Anger? 

A day before the intervention, the Human Resources Director mentioned that she wanted me to speak for ten minutes about the typical impact of such a tragic incident on employees, both as individuals and as a collective. However, in an early morning conference with the CEO and the HR Director, the former changed his tune, much to the surprise of the HR Director. He would say some words about Paul at the “all hands” meeting, and I would be cloistered in an office: those who wanted to meet with me could do so, but only on their own initiative. He even discouraged walking around and introducing myself to people, perhaps facilitating some spontaneous discussion and sharing of thoughts and emotions. 

The HR Director still held out hope that I might attend a meeting with the personnel in Paul’s former department. A manager in the unit, a female, was very supportive of my speaking to the team. Alas, as I was about to walk into the conference room, the Department Head, a man around 60 years of age, bluntly pronounced, “He’s not to be in here!” 

What was going on? Was this just macho-Type A-“don’t let them see you sweat or tear up” psycho-cultural behavior? (And I’ll let you decide where the emphasis goes on the “p-c” italicized terminology.) If only it was that straightforward. While I was encouraged to meet with Pauls’ female Administrative Assistant and another male employee who Paul had mentored (who, I discovered, knowingly chose not to come to work this day), top management was definitely walling me off from the staff. And my concern and frustration was building. 

Based on years of critical incident experience, I am all too aware that not only is there grief for the lost colleague; in addition, this kind of sudden and violent death, even if not so surprising, is still shocking or fairly incomprehensible for those in mourning’s orbit. And invariably, such a jarring vulnerable state rattles one’s own Pandora’s Box, bringing to the fore “grief ghosts” or personal demons – memories of prior losses along with smoldering guilt and regrets or shameful failures – both of longstanding and recent duration. (In addition, anticipated losses, for example, the impending death of an aging parent, the possibility of being downsized, etc., become fodder for this potentially volatile mix.) And the three people I spoke with (all women, perhaps not surprising in a testosterone-driven environment), only confirmed my hard-earned understanding. 

Four Brief “Ghost” Vignettes 

1. Administrative Assistant. This assistant had worked directly with Paul for nearly ten years. She was well aware of his deteriorating condition. While wishing she could have done more to help him, the assistant was not beating herself up. She had seen her mother unmercifully torment herself after the assistant’s brother had committed suicide when she was a teenager. She recognized that the hardest part of this tragedy would be “never seeing Paul again.” 

2. Human Resources Director. The HR director also was realistic about what can be done when a person is determined to end his life. She and the company had done all they could in terms of Paul’s treatment and “retirement.” However, when I mentioned my frustration about being “walled off,” about not being able to help people share their feelings regarding Paul while connecting with their own personal experiences of loss, this woman, with tears welling up, immediately associated to the death of her husband ten years earlier. We all bring our grief ghost pain to work with us. 

3. Department Manager. The HR Director had indicated this Manager needed to speak with me; she would drop by my office shortly. When she never showed, I asked the HR Director to firmly encourage her. When she finally showed, this woman of 40, who had wanted me to participate in the department meeting, teared up quickly as she spoke of Paul’s more recent “sturm und drang.” Yet again, upon mentioning the normative concept of “grief ghosts,” there was a soulful outpouring, this time of a recent shock to her system. She had just been diagnosed with skin cancer, and some form of radiation treatment would start within the week.  (Having had a tumor surgically removed from my thyroid, I understood somewhat her wave of anxiety.) 

4. Department Head. The above Director and Manager both apologized for the stoic male culture and shed additional light on why the Department Head had likely been so brusque in his stop-order: his son had committed suicide! Clearly this individual was “protecting” himself from subterranean emotional pools in which he did not want to submerge. 

I could admire a man who chose to participate in such an emotionally charged venue, whether he spoke of his pain or not. I would respect a man who decided to excuse himself from such a meeting, whether he chose to explain his motives or not. But the real frustration is not this DH’s ability to control my access; my dismay comes from his power to deny other team members an opportunity to share, grieve, and reminisce in a uniquely intimate setting. 

Benefits of Structured Workplace Grief 

In contrast to setting strict boundaries on a grief counselor, there are several major personal, team, and organizational benefits for a company that facilitates a more open, “all hands-heads-hearts” approach to structured workplace grief:

1) Walk the Talk, Don’t Fuel It – the organization “walks its talk” about having compassion for their employees; a company acknowledges that certain critical events take precedence over “business as usual”; not responding appropriately to the above detailed critical incident may open top management to speculative criticism about their actions while the employee was still alive, 

2) Facilitates Expression and Acceptance – it facilitates if not the full the expression of pain at least an acceptance of grief emotions and the asking of questions about the deceased, his or her family, ways of memorializing the deceased, or supporting the family; structured openness illuminates the grief process in general, 

3) Opportunity for Education and Evaluation – allowing a grief counselor to address large and small groups of people not only is an opportunity to provide grief (and perhaps mental health/illness) education, it also enables employees to check out the grief counselor; that is, is this an individual I might feel comfortable talking with individually, someone I might be willing to risk sharing my own vulnerability?, 

4) Identifies “Grief Ghost” Carriers – invariably, a significant percentage of employees are walking around with work-family-personal stress that drains energy and attention and/or are harboring “grief ghosts” (past losses or traumas) that affect both productivity and the quality of work relations. When compounded by a tragic event or some kind of crisis, people already in an emotionally sensitive, uncertain, or vulnerable place are especially ripe for a “reach out and touch someone” message, 

5) Receptivity for Support and Problem-Solving – people touched by mourning are often ready for momentary venting and a reassuring shoulder as well as being receptive to new problem-solving resources; e.g., after a brief one-on-one with a grief counselor, people are frequently more open to considering an “in-house,” company sponsored, Employee Assistance Program (EAP) referral for short-term counseling, 

6) Affirms a “Work Family” and Allows for Venting – in light of the close professional and often personal nature of work relations, a grief session for members of the deceased’s team or department is especially vital and valuable; such a session affirms a sense of “work family” or a close-knit caring community, as individuals share personal associations or connections to the tragic loss; it helps members discover they are not alone with their jumble of emotions; people may vent their confusion or even anger at the deceased, at God, at the company, etc., and group discussion may help clear up any misunderstandings or circulating rumors, and finally, 

7) Recognize and Integrate the Deceased’s Strengths – with proper facilitation, a team session may encourage individuals to recognize the qualities in the deceased they particularly admired and transform this sharing into two processes that enable the spirit of the deceased to symbolically, psychically, and productively walk the workplace halls and floors: 

a. Individual Identification/Integration – for example, if a team member says he admired the deceased’s ability to give people undivided attention in conversation, this individual can be encouraged to practice and apply more undivided and empathic listening and questioning skills; and by doing so, the deceased’s spirit more strongly lives within the individual, and 

b. Collective Identification/Integration – if an entire team or department selects a variety of admired qualities to emulate and assimilate, then a “fallen soldier’s” spirit truly burns not just within an individual psyche but also in the mental maps and heartbeats as well as the soulful rhythms and courageous communications of the collective consciousness.

Closing Summary

The above essay illustrates the defensive and short-sighted modus operandi of a macho-driven work culture. The essay also depicts how such a culture, during times of death and grief, buries (their minds and emotions in the sand), thereby losing a unique opportunity to impact not just the bottom line, but also the interconnected heads, hearts, and spiritual well-being of the employees and the organization.

While not having a chance to give my grief talk, the final segment of this workplace grief series will be a written version of the words I was hoping to share with the company’s employees. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring, and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/Wellness/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet. His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.