“Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools & Techniques for Surviving Trauma, Transition, and Everyday Stress

I have been a co-founding partner of the Be Well Initiative for the Nepali Diaspora in America.  The tragic April 25, 2015 earthquake ignited a vision for a friend and colleague, Dr. DK Gurung.  (DK called me a day after, both for some venting and to share his communal dream.)  Born in Nepal, he understood that mental health services were needed in the face of such a natural disaster, but not just for people living in Nepal.  The stress was also great for family and friends 10,000 miles from ground zero.  But beyond the immediate disaster, cultural norms, honor and shame, and indirect or secretive communication patterns made it difficult for Nepalis to fully acknowledge let alone discuss emotional issues of stress, anxiety and depression.  The US Nepali community had to come out of the trauma, immigrant transition, and pressure of “Pursuing the American Dream” as well as everyday stress, closets.

This past year, Be Well Initiative has put into motion “Stress Survey” data collection, mind-body wellness and mental health educational reach out, along with running focus groups at various community events, centers, and programs.  We will close out the year with a memorial EQ15 service on April 24^th in Herndon, VA.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you’d like more information.)  As part of the interactive/community participation service, attendees will engage in small group discussion about past and present stressors and coping strategies.  Participants will also provide ideas for developing future mental health resources and services.  It should be a very moving, meaningful, and uniquely affirming experience.

“Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools & Techniques

for Surviving Trauma, Transition, and Everyday Stress

This past year we have witnessed how imbalances and stressors in nature may suddenly erupt producing devastating consequences.  While not as cataclysmic, work-family-life imbalances and pressures may manifest in confusing, overwhelming and destructive, even life-threatening, emotions and behaviors.  As one Nepali community leader articulated:  “We too will erupt if our life gets out of balance, if we deplete ourselves, run ourselves to the ground, stretch ourselves thin, and live for all the wrong reasons.  We will either collapse into ourselves or explode onto others.”

We need a powerful stress tool kit to manage such stressors as: a) being emotionally connected to two homelands, b) separated from significant others as well as from geographical and cultural markers, c) everyday pressures pursuing the American Dream, including adapting to new cultural values, d) the challenges of finding meaningful employment, and especially, e) being an individual new to the US, feeling like “a stranger in a strange land.”

Perhaps most critical, as a community we need to affirm that reaching out for mental and emotional health services (the mind-heart) is as natural and normal as seeking help for physical illness (the body).  We must help our under-served community come out of the shadows of shame, stigma, and silence and discover a new horizon of hope!

Here is Be Well Initiative and the Stress Doc’s ™ “Top Ten” Stress Resilience Tools and Techniques for Surviving Crises and Everyday Stress:

1.  Find a “Stress Buddy.”  When it comes to stress, we initially may need to share our feelings outside of our immediate family, perhaps with a trusted friend or community leader.  Having another help put the situation in a more reasonable or calm perspective, may reduce feelings of guilt and self-blame and make it easier to later discuss the situation with family members.  If still relatively new in the US, it’s vital to have a “Stress Buddy” who understands the “trials and pressures” of immigrant stress.

2.  Speak to a Professional.  If you are feeling intense levels of stress, anger, and/or depression, with disrupted patterns of eating and sleeping, misusing alcohol and drugs or simply wanting to withdraw from life, it is time to speak with a person trained in providing mental health counseling.  There are Crisis Hot Lines for you to call.  If you are not sure where to go, contact one of the counseling/clinical members of the Be Well Initiative Team:

Bharati Devkota,  Nepali Speaking, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) – telephone # 443-742-2575

Anshu Basnyat, Nepali Speaking, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) – telephone #  443-574-3430; call for an appointment

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc, Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) – telephone # 301-875-2567

3.  Join a Support Group.  Share your pain, purpose, and passion with a group of like-minded community members and a qualified facilitator; talking with one another, we lean on, learn from, and then provide an ear or a shoulder to our brothers and sisters.  Consider starting a Nepali/community support group.  BWI will be glad to assist.  Also, there are a variety of free, 12-Step Groups – from dealing with problem drinking (or being a family member of a problem drinker) to handling difficult emotions – located in schools, churches, community centers, etc., throughout the Greater DC-VA-MD area.

4.  Understand Change, Loss, and the Need to Grieve.  Whether it’s a devastating earthquake trauma or just a more quiet realization of missing loved ones, alive or deceased, no longer close by, or longing for our former life…we need to take time to remember.  The challenge of change is omnipresent for people adapting to a new land and way of life, or just going through transition.  Grief stages – shock, sadness, anger, fear, confusion, disbelief – are not just products of death and dying; grief can be stirred by the loss of a job, the loss of health and mobility, or the loss of a dream.  Grieving may help you make peace with both your past and present…and open paths for a more productive future.  Of course, there is not one way to grieve; each person has his or her own grief rhythm and time frame.  However, if after 2-4 weeks you are not back into your routine, find a trustworthy and understanding stress buddy or, even better, consider consulting with a professional counselor.

5.  Make Sleeping/Rejuvenating and Healthy Eating a Top Priority.  When it comes to sleep, we often provide solid guidance with our kids, but don’t follow our own advice.  Try to apply those sleep routine principles that you’ve designed for your children:  turn off the gadgets, take a shower or listen to soothing sounds of nature, or do quiet reading in bed.  And, limit alcohol and caffeine several hours before bedtime.  Meditation or taking a ten-fifteen minute “power nap” can be an effective way to rejuvenate during the day.

As for food and fuel intake, beware of picking up some of the sloppy eating habits of too many Americans.  Reduce your intake of salts, sugars, and saturated fats – those cans of soda and bags of chips.  Eat more fruits, especially the berries, and green and leafy vegetables; whole grains, beans and legumes and, if not going vegan, Omega-3 fish – salmon and sardines, are heart-healthy choices.  Listen to your grandmother!

6.  Get Regular Exercise.  Do you get thirty minutes of brisk exercise three-five times a week?  Regular exercise provides both physical and psychological advantages.  Thirty minutes (or even two fifteen minute segments) of vigorous, non-stop, large muscle movement activity – brisk walking, swimming, bike riding, dancing, etc. – releases brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine which are the mind-body's natural mood enhancers and pain relievers.  It's less a runner's high and more that we can step back and see things with a calmer disposition and fresher perspective. 

When stressed, everything feel’s up in the air.  The answer: to feel grounded.  There is nothing like a brisk thirty minute walk for creating a beginning and end point for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control.  Actually, you’re developing a “success ritual.”  And while I don’t always love to exercise, after my ten-minute “while still in bed” morning routine of stretching, sit-ups, push-ups, yoga positions, etc. and my early evening walk…well, I do like feeling virtuous.  And if you’re having difficulty getting started…find a walking partner.

7.  Learn to Say Set Limits.  During my workshops, more people have said to me, “Mark until I learned how to say ‘No’…I was living on the edge of stress!”  Remember, being a mature adult means that sometimes you will have to disappoint people.  For friends and family, for example, let them clearly know what you cannot do (at this moment in time) but also perhaps what you can do.  Give people the option to call you back in two days when your schedule might not be so busy. Naturally, expect that your initial “No” might prove upsetting.  But don’t overly explain your position; excess talking undermines your own sense of control and authority.  People see you as wishy-washy.  Briefly remind people of your stated position.

On the other hand, when relating with an impatient or “the sky is falling down” authority figure, e.g., the big boss at work, the key is not to let this person’s false or exaggerated sense of urgency become the only reality.  Remember, for something to be urgent or an emergency, it’s “life and death.”  Everything else can be prioritized.  So to regain some control, say to that boss, “I know this is a very important matter.  Because it is important, let’s take five minutes; help me prioritize – what should I put on the backburner while I focus on this new vital priority.”  Don’t let someone else’s false urgency become your anxiety!

8.  Identify and Defuse Stress Triggers.  We all have emotional areas in which we are especially sensitive or reactive – for example, someone questioning our honesty or intelligence, talking badly about a friend or family member, or trying to tell us how we must do something his or her way, etc.  We tend to overreact emotionally and verbally when someone hits our “hot button.”  To improve your capacity for self-regulation, before reacting:  a) take some deep breaths, b) pay attention to those “3 B” – Brain-Body-Behavior – stress smoke signals; as I like to say:  Count to ten...and check within, c) can I observe the other without making a snap judgement and if they are judging me not “shake, rattle and BLOW?,” d) learn to use assertive “I” messages instead of blaming “You” messages, for example, “I don’t agree” or “I am not comfortable with…” as opposed to “You’re wrong!” or “It’s your fault!”

Actually two of my favorite stress defusers also help set limits:

A firm “no” a day keeps the ulcers away and the hostilities, too.

Do know your limits and don’t limit your “No”s.

9.  Get Organized.  Chronic clutter in a room or office (or even a car) creates a messy mind.  Recognize that anger, fear, boredom, or depression often contributes to ongoing procrastination.  Develop an ABCD system:  “A” or “top priority” items deal with promptly; “B” or important items file in a “to do” file that’s visible or easily reachable; “C” items discard whenever possible; and have a “D” box or file for future reading or reference.  (Discard most items after a short period of time if not read.)   Again, if this ABCD system is not working, reach out to a concerned friend or a counselor.  Consider this variation of the “Serenity Prayer”:  Grant me the serenity to discard the things I really do not need, to save and file the things I do, and the wisdom to know the difference (or to brazenly eviscerate 90% of my in-box)!

10.  Discover a Hobby or Engage in an Art Project…Or Just Laugh.  A life that completely revolves around responsibilities to family and work, with no time for mind-body-spirit nourishment and rejuvenation, is a life at-risk.  Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more that we gave ourselves away!  Hobbies or art projects, engaging in sports or physical activity that especially integrate the mental-emotional-physical, e.g., digging in a garden, walking in parks or forests, going for bike rides, trying your hand at water coloring, writing poetry, playing tennis, regular meditation, taking dance lessons (research shows this is a an especially good activity for preventing dementia as it is both spontaneous and structured)…all enable us to step back, shift gears, have fun, and rediscover the sublime in nature and our true essence.  And if not quite ready for a hobby, at least read books or watch TV, videos, or movies that make you laugh.  Laughing with gusto is like “inner jogging,” giving vital organs a brief but hearty internal massage!

In closing, if you begin to apply these “Top Ten” tips and techniques you will become commander of your own stress ship, being able to navigate stormy seas and eventually reach your own island or homeland of mind-body-spirit resiliency and serenity.  Just remember…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

North (Dakota) toward Home: Designing Diversity -- an Integrative Incubator for “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community”

Confession time: I owe North Dakota an apology. About six months ago, in light of the economic pressures on government employees, budget cuts and downsizings, further calls for their jobs or at least slashing their pensions, I wrote a satirical “Shrink Rap” ditty called “The Reorg Rag.”

It started:

It can’t happen here, I have too much to do…
Who took my desk and chair, my computer, too?
They can’t replace me; the Branch Techno-file
What do you mean I’m still in denial?

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Why does it feel I’ve been fragged?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Maybe I’m just on a jag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!

Rejoice, you’re employed…so they’ve frozen your pay
And put on your backs the recovery.
Two free weeks furlough to re-“leave” your stress
What a friend you have in the 112th Congress!

Work’s now a casino, a high tech RIF** RAFFle
When will we know? Why does management waffle?
Buddha Computah… who’s pink slipping away?
Here’s your ticket to ride; shopping’s good in Bombay.

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
Why do I just want to gag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Whatever happened to my swag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!

The lyrics and predicaments progressed till finally…

Now you’ve had enough, playing Raggedy Ann
Start calling their bluff; draw a line in the sand.
You are a survivor; just never forget
To bring out your “Inner Rambo or Rambette!”

So “Do know your limits; don’t limit your ‘No’s”
There’s life beyond widgets; you’ve taken their blows.
Break away from the mob, you’ve surpassed your quota
And have won your job…but now in North Dakota!

(Email stressdoc@aol.com for the entire lyric.)

In fact, my new mantra is “Go North young wo/man.” If economic opportunities are drying up “down south” (that is, in the “Lower 48”) my advice: head for Alaska…or for Alaska-lite, i.e., North Dakota! The past two months I’ve done speaking programs in both states and while the differences are obvious, the similarities are also palpable. First the differences: Alaska has a vast coast line, and an extensive rugged, forested mountainous wilderness, including the highest point in North America, Mt. Denali, formerly Mt. McKinley, at 21,000 feet; and while permafrost underground means Alaska is not the bread basket for the world, the salmon and halibut, in particular, are yummy. In contrast, flying into Fargo appears to validate my presupposition that ND is mostly farmland flat. Your eyes are captivated by large checkerboard squares of light and dark rich agricultural soil; the state does help feed the world. Actually, the eastern half of North Dakota consists of Drift Prairie, with elevations of 1300-1600 feet above sea level, and the western half of the state has the highest point, White Butte, at 3500 feet.

Now the similarities: The states share plenty of cold weather, (in both states I saw electrical power plugs attached to the front of cars), the two have small populations relative to their land mass, and now with the boom times happening in western North Dakota, both states are reaping the benefits of oil production. (Of course, there may be some specific economic boom town winners and losers. Word is that qualified truck drivers can easily earn a $100,000 a year and popular pole dancers may draw $2,000/night; apparently not many other ways to spend money way out on the oil range. And today I just read that seniors are being forced out of their life-long apartments as landlords, in pursuit of oil money, are raising rents astronomically. Hey, it’s the American Way; capitalism at its finest. Turning natives into immigrants in their homeland; we've seen this movie before!)

But I digress…in addition, at least in Anchorage (pop. 270,000) and Fargo (pop. 200,000), cities bounded by waterways, each, paradoxically, has a small town-cosmopolitan feel; both are fueled by a diverse, friendly and articulate citizenry as well as the visible presence of a vibrant and clean downtown, humming with artistic activity and Native American culture – visual arts, theatre, dance, etc. And the “symbiotic cities” of Fargo, ND-Moorhead, MN area, striding the opposite banks of the Red River, boast numerous colleges and universities.

Harnessing and Harvesting a Multicultural Mindset

And with the economic revival both are attracting people from around the globe. And while in Alaska oil may be a primary magnet (the state’s motto: North to the Future) in small towns throughout Minnesota and the Dakotas there’s another “future”-oriented engine driving the influx. The US Government has been settling immigrants in upper-Midwest towns, towns that until recently (late 20th century) were precipitously losing population, especially their young people. The towns were also struggling with a withering tax base; survival was definitely a communal conundrum. Hence the idea of resettlement. And it’s been working. At least in the last few years the immigrant population is doubling; the long-established (mostly Caucasian and Native American) citizenry has had some small growth. And while there has been tangible economic progress, such demographic social change rarely comes without a measure of cultural conflict. (Not to mention the personal and family stress generated by major relocation, loosening ties to geographic-family-cultural-national roots, engaging with a new language, and, at least initially, often feeling like “a stranger in a strange land.” I certainly experienced some of this disorientation when I moved from NYC to New Orleans in my mid-20s. I will say more shortly.)

The challenge of integrating these diverse populaces led to the formation in the mid-1990s of a non-profit group, Cultural Diversity Resources, led by an Asian female fireball of energy and enterprise, Yoke Sim Gunaratne. As stated in the conference brochure: "In 1993, Fargo-Moorhead area leaders held several community forums to identify community issues needing urgent attention…The community needed to embrace its increasing ethnic diversity and assist diverse populations in overcoming barriers to community participation. Leaders wanted to ameliorate intolerance of all kinds, increase understanding of the value of diversity, and develop a permanent system wide framework aimed at celebrating the ever-increasing cultures of the community. Action to develop a proactive regional diversity project to cover four cities and two counties began."

In fact, at the start of my luncheon keynote, I shared an associative image of being in a Star Trek movie; our multicultural-intergalactic crew was piloting the Starship Enterprise, exploring the depths of outer and inner space. I thought this an apt segue to my talk on “Creative Risk Taking: Grieving, Letting Go and Inspiring Flow.”

I couldn’t resist establishing my cultural diversity credentials by letting the audience know that in addition to being a Type A New Yawka (born in Brooklyn, mostly grew up in Queens, and attended high school in Manhattan) I have a second gear: sixteen years in N’Awlins (from 1974-1990; eight years as a doctoral student at Tulane University), my “American in Cajun Paris” years. Lots of great stories including burning out as a grad student and, opportunistically, becoming a radio and TV Stress Doc ™. Eventually, however, “there were no more mountains to climb in the bayou and I had this urge to move to DC. I didn’t understand it till I got there, but then I realized if NYC and New Orleans had a baby it would look like Washington, DC.” That got a laugh, and so did my follow-up: “I still haven’t decided if this offspring is a love child!”

Critical Quotes on Change and Conflict, Team Synergy and Society

Finally, I set the stage for my interactive presentation (even during a keynote the audience engages in arousing and fun exercises), by sharing two quotes, pertinent to communities with survival on their minds, needing to be both diverse and interdependent. The first was from Adam Gopnik’s book, Angels and Ages: A Short Book about Darwin, Lincoln and Modern Life. Gopnik extrapolates a key point of Darwinian Theory: Repetition is the law of nature but variation is the rule of life. We see repetition in nature through the cycle of the seasons; in many species migration and spawning patterns are also cyclical.

However, oftentimes, what enables a species to achieve survival fitness is responding productively and imaginatively to major change or crisis – whether brought on by alterations in its ecological environment or by a small deviation in its genetic makeup that spreads through the species, culminating in hereditary and adaptation advantages, that is, “natural selection.” I believe the influx of immigrants is providing an evolutionary challenge and a boost for these towns and townspeople. Both groups are experiencing a mind-and heart-provoking trial and error and maturational learning curve. While maintaining their roots, through interaction with the “natives,” the newcomers are learning about the customs, mores and morals, the strengths and vulnerabilities of the American Ways. And over time the establishment grows increasingly open-minded, slowly but steadily turning productive conflict into newfound commonality if not camaraderie along with creative variation on convention.

Together I’m seeing the basis for cultural synergy: not only does each group gain fresh ways of perceiving and acting upon new possibilities, but now these once disparate parts gradually transform into partners.

Of course, mutation and variation test the tried and perhaps once true. As was previously noted, conflict and change are often contemporaneous. But ultimately, if the conflict is harnessed through honest, hard-hitting yet also appropriately humble dialogue – focusing more on problems than personalities – then the words of John Dewey, 19th c. pragmatic philosopher and “Father of American Public Education,” may still ring out: Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity. It instigates to invention and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict is the sine qua non of reflection and ingenuity.

I’m reminded of my readapting the familiar acronym TEAM – “Together Each Achieves More.” My TEAM mantra: Trial and Error Amplifies Mutation! And I did share my variation on the motivational standard or cliché, depending on your perspective, “There’s no “I” in team”: There may be no “I” in team…but there are two “I”s in winning – “Individuality” and “Interactivity.” And these “I”s definitely “C”: A winning team blends “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community”!

And the pioneering sociologist, George Herbert Mead, would agree. His mantra: Society is unity in diversity.

So in the Fargo, ND-Moorhead, MN area an immigration-integration incubator is transforming the lives of individuals, families and institutions and inspiring – breathing life into and revitalizing the spirit of – long-standing communities. Perhaps it's not so surprising; the North Dakota state motto: Liberty and Union, Now and Forever, One and Inseparable. Paradoxical and passionate words to help a complex, diverse world…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.