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The
Stress Doc’s Critical Intervention-Chicken Gumbo Recipe for Soothing the Heart,
Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion – Part II
“Critical Intervening and Creative
Writing – Part I” outlined parallel “hybrid” processes for achieving a focused
and flexible despite being a tad fearful mindset when: a) preparing for an emotionally challenging
Critical Incident (CI) Intervention, especially one involving a time-limited large group session and b) also attempting to
relive and convey the “trauma-grief debrief” experience on the page or screen.
Specifically, the previous evening, a
popular employee, a male nurse, had been brutally killed outside of work, most
likely in a crime of domestic passion.
In each of the two 20-minute “grief debrief” sessions about twenty
hospital colleagues clustered in the ward information-control desk area. A subdued, if not heavy, tension was palpable,
especially during the second session as the deceased had worked in this unit.
Now, as promised, here’s the strategic
content-process “step-by-step” recipe for a time limited, large group CI &
Grief orientation-engagement. (Please know that deviations and trial and error
experimentations will be highly likely and/or necessary.) Let’s call this “The Stress Doc’s Critical Intervention-Chicken Gumbo for Soothing the
Heart, Sustaining the Soul, and Searching Anew for Purpose and Passion.”
1. First Impression. Addressing
the assembly, the Human Resources
Director began her brief introduction of me and why I was present with a
reflexive “good morning.” My first words:
“Normally I would say ‘good morning,’
but today’s is not a good morning; it’s a very tough one.” Immediately I had distinguished myself and my
role while demonstrating an awareness of the emotional state and place of the
folks in the room. It wouldn’t be
business as usual, yet…
2. Getting Down to Business.
Having only 20 minutes necessitates a strategic opening and basic
outline, including:
a) sharing some common traumatic
effects of sudden and horrific death (a violent death often heightens the sense
of trauma) and grief – e.g., an immediate state of shock, feeling numb,
sadness, generalized angst, and/or anger (ranging from being angry with God and
fate to the deceased, himself), social withdrawal, feeling bereft or
emotionally out of control, possibly losing one’s appetite (or overusing
substances to numb pain), having difficulty sleeping, etc.
b) placing these stress and loss smoke
signals in a time frame, that is, the presence of some or a number of the above
effects for a handful of days is fairly normal, (unless, of course, these grief
signals are of overwhelming intensity); if the distracting or disturbing
presence of any effects approach two weeks, then an assessment with an Employee
Assistance Grief Counselor is strongly advisable. And here’s why…
3. Trauma takes off the Stress and “Grief Ghost”
Cover. Another piece of educational information
relates to the disruptive potential of a sudden traumatic experience:
a) individuals currently experiencing
high levels of stress in their lives, separate from the tensions related to the
death of a colleague, are more likely to have heightened reactions to the
immediate loss; they don’t have room to handle another stressor on their
emotional plate and
b) consciously or not, we all carry around some emotional baggage from our psychosocial-historical past; if a person has not sufficiently grieved a previous loss – actual or psychological – especially regarding significant others or family/group relations, then the weight of this baggage becomes more onerous. For such a burdened individual, a traumatic experience:
1) either increases the heaviness of one’s
emotional load or
2) breaks open your luggage; now painful
feelings and memories from the past – what I call “grief ghosts” – begin or are
primed to flood your work-life space.
During trauma or “crisis,” defenses are lowered or punctured, the mask
is uncovered. People often wonder why
they are having such a strong reaction to the immediate tragedy: “Why am I suddenly thinking of people who
don’t typically appear on, let alone crowd, my psychic radar?”
The short answer: you are likely
grappling with multiple losses – one’s both immediate and historic. Consider this poignant example: several days after 911, my
webmaster, a former US Army officer and Vietnam combat vet, couldn’t understand
why he was still having a vague sense of unease.
Asking a few questions helped him reconnect to the subterranean memory
of having lost his wife decades earlier in a tragic house fire. He had been unsuccessful in his rescue
attempts. Trauma surfaces the overt and
the covert.
During the CI, I did not share these
lines; however, they are certainly apt:
Grief
Ghosts: A Viral or Vital Metamorphosis
And
the Grief Ghosts will rise from the ashes
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding a fire that chokes dreams and desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
When one tries to bury the pain.
Feeding a fire that chokes dreams and desire
Oh when will your tears fall like rain?
Too late…look, soul-sucking phantoms
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.
Spiral higher and higher, madly morph and conspire
As Trojan worms raiding while aerating your brain.
Wait…Perhaps
there is still time to reach for the sublime:
Grieve,
let go…and grow with the flow!
©
Mark Gorkin 2012
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
4.
Grief Is Still Individual.
Finally, upon reviewing useful grief data, remind one and all there is
no one right way or exact timetable for grieving. The process is truly personal, based on one’s
life stage and experience, temperament, cultural influence, etc. I do close this portion of the session with a
heartfelt Stress Doc ™ adage: There’s
a real difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your
sorrow. When feeling sorry for yourself,
you are likely blaming others. When
feeling your sorrow, you have the courage to face your pain. And there will be times when each and every
one of us must face and embrace our sorrow!”
5.
Changing Direction.
We had arrived at a transition point. I paused and asked if anyone wanted to
speak. In one group, initially, no one
responded. (This is not so surprising
when many are feeling numb or are still in a state of shock; still others are
not sure what to say.) In the second
session, one person shared a general observation about life’s vulnerability. And then silence loomed; I affirmed this was
understandable.
6.
The Power of Silence.
A suggestion: consider going with
the flow. Ask for a minute of silence so
all could all be with their own thoughts.
Based on my experience as a group facilitator, an uneasy or weighted quiet
often is a stimulus and space for helping people focus, and get more centered. Ironically, silence itself becomes a lubricant
for communication. And in fact,
participants in both groups began sharing personal, heartfelt stories capturing
some poignant or playful interaction with the deceased. In each group, one or two revealed the recent death of a
significant family member.
7.
Build On the Sharing.
I mentioned there may be several ways of memorializing the deceased,
beyond a service, including a visual-verbal picture-board or scrapbook,
planting a garden, or turning an activity that the deceased enjoyed into an
annual event, etc. (For example, one
hospital department named a bocce tournament for a fallen colleague who enjoyed
the pastime.)
Then,
with time running down, I compressed a grief exercise into a head- and heart-provoking
encounter. After summarizing many of the
positive qualities mentioned, and also surmising the deceased “wasn’t always an
angel” – sometime he might even be a “pain in the butt” (which elicited some
knowing laughter) – I then posed a powerful question…
8.
An Existential-Spiritual Challenge. “What would happen if each one identified a
trait or quality that they admired or valued in the deceased? … And, too, if
all committed to cultivating that trait within ourselves?” While time constraints did not permit group
discussion, I answered as follows:
“First, I believe you’d be giving yourself a gift by honoring your
colleague. And second, if each person
took up this challenge, while your colleague would no longer be physically present,
his spirit would certainly walk the hospital halls.” The energy rise in the room was palpable.
9.
Closing Review and Resources. After thanking everyone for their attention
and for the individual sharing, I briefly affirmed the depth of emotion that
can be evoked by trauma and grief. Also
underscored was the importance, during such trying times, of having a personal
and/or professional ear and shoulder to lean on; a “stress buddy,” as I like to
call it. Sometimes, after the shock
wears off, the pain and confusion may warrant talking to a professional. Again, I reminded people of the availability
of the Employee Assistance Program for free time-limited stress and grief
consultation or counseling. And finally,
the HR Director reminded people that I would be available for one-on-one
meetings after the group session..
I
hope this strategic content-process “step-by-step” yet fluid recipe for acute
stress relief and grief counseling proves useful should your company or
organization find itself in the throes of life-and-death trauma. Unfortunately, such understanding and
capacity for therapeutic response may be increasingly critical in a rapidly
changing world that too often appears to be outpacing the human and
organizational capacity to adapt. More
than ever…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The
Stress Doc" ™, a
Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and
"Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for
his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies
and major corporations. A training and Critical
Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company,
Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc also leads “Stress,
Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed
Services. Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for
the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four
Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com
– called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on
the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free
e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
