A Passionate Address on the Vital Role of Workplace Grief – Part II

Part I of this two-part series illustrated the defensive and short-sighted modus operandi of a macho-driven work culture in the face of a long-time employee’s self-inflicted death by handgun. The essay depicted how such a culture, during times of loss and grief, buries their minds and emotions in the sand. This “self-protective” approach invariably walls off employees from the grief consultant and grief process, thereby losing a unique opportunity to impact positively the bottom line as well as touch the interconnected heads, hearts, and spiritual well-being of the employees and the organization. The closing segment of this workplace grief series will be a somewhat elaborated written version of the words I was not permitted to share with the company’s employees at their morning “all hands” meeting.

Workplace Grief Address

Normally, I would say “Good morning,” but today these words seem hollow. I will take a few minutes to share some thoughts on loss and grief; to help us all reflect on this tragedy. Why a person with many strengths and admirable qualities still takes his own life is a complex, paradoxical puzzle. When under intense and especially chronic stress, perhaps struggling with an unstable biochemical nature or some mental illness, taking one’s own life may ironically be a final attempt at having some control when you and your life feel hopelessly out of control. But I’m not sure there’s ever a definitive answer other than this individual is no longer physically with us. And many will miss him.

As for the people in mourning’s path who live on, here’s a fundamental truth: there is no one right way to grieve; some will immediately be visibly upset while others will appear stoic or unshaken, yet emotions smolder within. And of course there are myriad reactions in between. In addition, there’s no appropriate time line for grief. My blood pressure gets worked up when I hear someone say, “It’s been three months now; get over it!” (However, I will talk further about people stuck in their grief.)

Signs of Grief

Nonetheless, there are emotional reactions that people may well experience when in the throes of grief. You may recognize some, several, or even none:

1. Shock. Many people are likely feeling a sense of shock or disbelief: How could this happen? You don’t know what to say; perhaps the neural wire connections between the thoughts in your head and heart and mouth are momentarily not working.

2. Sadness. Surely, for numbers in the room there’s a profound sense of loss; perhaps some at this moment sense their eyes starting to water as the realization sinks in that this individual will never be physically seen again.

3. Regret or Guilt. Some people may be upset that they didn’t have that conversation that was on their mental calendar. Others may be torn for missing the warning signs or for not taking them seriously enough? “Why didn’t I (or we) see this coming?” First, it’s hard to imagine the unthinkable. The other reality is that most of you were juggling many stress balls in your own lives. And this individual didn’t come this far in his journey without being a pretty good juggler and fighter. Alas, hindsight provides an insight that we truly did not have in foresight!

4. Anger. Anger during grief may be vexing. How can I be angry with someone who is dying or who has died? This is not a logical process but a psycho-logical one. And maybe our anger, whether with the deceased or with God, or whoever is a sign of missed opportunities to connect – with battles had along with along with those avoided; perhaps anger is a cover for acute emptiness or regret; of how much we want the person back. Or perhaps we rage at life’s unpredictability; we don’t like feeling so helplessly out of control.

Existential Questions and the Fragility of Life

Based on personal experience and my recent Critical Incident Stress Management (or Grief Debriefing) work, when the deceased is relatively young, the fragility of life gnaws at if not haunts the imagination. For example, when a young, mid-30s, much beloved, health-conscious – avocado salad eating, mountain climbing – manager died in his sleep, the oft-repeated refrain of team members was, “If this could happen to Steven…” Now is a time for concerted reflection, an existential self-assessment if you will, in terms of one’s own:

1. Personal/Family Direction – how comfortable am I in my own skin? As an individual and/or as a family, what is the balance between aliveness and stagnation or dis-ease; am I moving forward, are we stuck in a rut? Is work-life balance a laughable notion? Is there a troubling gap between my aspirations and my current position?

2. Sense of Time – in terms of my personal, career, and/or family goals – is time an abundant resource or is time running out?; do I need to shake up my life somehow – sooner rather than later?

3. Quality of My Relationships – especially with meaningful others or significant loved ones, how open am I with emotions and words that need to be expressed and shared?; how often am I wearing a mask?; do I run from conflict or do I try my best to grapple with it constructively?

Communicating with People in Mourning

Another question that often looms during a time of grief is how to share your own thoughts and emotions with family members or close friends of the deceased. Here are “Three Tips for Appropriately Sharing Your Concern and Condolences”:

1. Trust Your Gut and Touch – say what you are experiencing and be real, for example, “I’m shocked; I don’t know what to say. And regards nonverbal communication, unless you have a close connection, a light touch on the arm will likely be more comfortably received than a hug,

2. Be Humble – I suspect the response that has the most potential to be more upsetting than consoling is, “I know what you are going through.” Unless you walked in the exact same moccasins…Remember, it is difficult to comprehend the array, the intensity and the subtlety of grief emotions (or the need to numb and momentarily close down). Much better to come from a place of humility: “I can’t truly imagine what you are going through.”

3. Be Available – if sufficiently concerned, let those closest to the deceased know you are available with an ear, shoulder, or a hug if and when they are ready; “Just give me the word!” Or, “Is there anything I can do – run and errand, cook something, stay with the kids, etc.”

Again, timing and readiness is important. Consider, “May I call or stop by next week?” This approach affirms your presence while respecting the deceased’s need for time and space. I’ve also seen a spouse have an open house the night of the tragedy. She wanted to be embraced by stories from her husband’s colleagues. Light touches of humor do not have to be placed in hibernation. As that great disability’s pioneer, Helen Keller, observed: The world is so full of care and sorrow. It is a gracious debt we owe one another to discover the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks.

But perhaps the most important way to be available is mostly to listen and accept whatever emotions the grieving person shares, or chooses not to share. And again, you can always say, “I’m so sorry” or “I don’t know what to say.” As a grief consultant, I’ve also learned to travel with a box of tissues.

The Awakening of Grief Ghosts

One of the most perplexing aspects of a critical incident, especially involving an unexpected or violent loss of life, is the presence of two sources of pain – one obvious, the other covert. The overt and immediate pain involves emotions surrounding the loss of a colleague along with heartbreak for the family, etc. The second pain, often clouded or confusing, is how our own past, recent and even anticipated losses, threats, or traumas, which may or may not be specifically related to the workplace tragedy, often get stirred during this vulnerable or crisis period. For example, shortly after acknowledging her visible upset for a colleague killed in a morning drive-time head-on vehicular collision, a middle-aged supervisor shifted emotional gears. She suddenly associated to the 9/11 Twin Towers death of her sister…ten years earlier.

The loss of life is not required for the rise and release of “grief ghosts.” All manner of losses – from separations, divorces, and disconnections to health issues, previous trauma, major regret or remorse, and a chronic loss of control as well as a slow dying dream – may trigger a ghostly uprising. Clearly, as the double-edged Chinese icon for “crisis” illustrates, there is disruption if not potential “danger” when fighting specters of confusion along with feeling out of control. However, piercing cracks in our psychological defenses, the opening of a psychic wound, and the resurrection of painful memories also provide “opportunity.”

Engaging the Ghost

As mentioned earlier, each person has an individual bio-psycho-social-cultural style of grieving. In addition, there are key, oft common emotions– shock, sadness, fear, anger, guilt or regret, confusion and ambivalence, as well as relief and acceptance – that many grapple with on a head, heart, and soulful grief journey. Here are “Four Grief Styles”:

1. Instrumental – certain individuals in the face of grief keep busy, focusing on necessary or mind-distracting tasks – whether for themselves or others – as a way of managing their thoughts and feelings, to prevent the incomprehensible from morphing into profound confusion or chaos,

2. Be Positive – some people believe in moving on and not “dwelling on the past”; alas, short-circuiting the grief process may, paradoxically, only prolong and complicate it. Grieving the unexpected death of a close colleague, one gentleman decided he would only contemplate positive memories and feelings. I suspect he feared a profound emptiness or uncontrollable rage might erupt. For me, grief is a holistic yin-yang process, especially if one wants to sustain the deceased person’s spirit within. My analogy for mourning is a capacity to venture through two interrelated doorways: one leading you down a dark, moon-lit path while the other opens to a warm sun-lit trail. Ultimately, not only do these passageways intersect rather, in yin-yang fashion, they circle together forming an infinite loop. Now the seemingly oppositional passages define and set the stage for each other; with dawn and dusk midwives, cycles of ebb and flow give birth to contradictory yet complementary, active and reflective (sometimes even manic and melancholic) twins, as day drives and drifts into night.

3. Delayed – some people must allow grief to smolder underground for a considerable time before they are ready to receive its poignant gifts. I recall one gentleman who described being alone, quietly listening to a soulful jazz record, belatedly realizing it was his father’s favorite. His dad had died two years earlier; he had not been able to shed tears at the funeral. Yet now, with grief gods and ghosts aligned, in geyser-like fashion, his tears poured forth. This son had finally achieved a sense of peace with the loss of his father.

4. Emotionally Expressive – and, of course, there are numbers of people along with some cultures that encourage the immediate and intense expression of grief – open wailing, tears flowing, anguished nonverbal gestures, even the beating of one’s body, customary black clothing, etc. I suspect a sensitive, somewhat introspective-depressive-expressive nature (actually, a melancholic-writer cave persona along with a sometimes manic speaker stage persona; more intense cyclic tendencies before biochemical intervention) mostly places me in this fourth and final category. As I once penned, Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

When Mourning Becomes Depression

Some people hold off grieving because they fail to make an important discrimination: there’s a real difference between “Feeling sorry for yourself” and“Feeling your sorrow.” When you are feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When you are feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your pain. And there are times in life when we all need to feel our sorrow.

Another barrier to effective grieving is confusing the sadness or temporary depressed mood of grief – a natural part of the healing process – with clinical depression, which in fact may be influenced by or a consequence of delayed or denied grief. If after six to eight weeks in response to the loss of a significant professional or personal-family relation, colleague, or friend you are still feeling exhausted, drained of energy, or going through the motions, are underperforming at work, isolating yourself, perhaps uncharacteristically losing your temper, and/or are having trouble eating or sleeping please, please, reach out for counseling. If your organization or company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), make the call; talk to a professional.

While a first year graduate student, struggling to manage an array of external and internal stressors, my School Social Work Field Instructor imparted some much needed wisdom: Not everyone needs therapy…but everyone can use it!

Workplace Grief Intervention serves a somewhat analogous broad-based healing and protective function for individuals, teams, and organizations.

Closing

Thank you for this opportunity to reflect on death and life…to share some of the psychic and spiritual air that I breathe. I hope my words were“inspirational,” as in the literal translation of “’spirit” or breath and of the word “inspire” – to breathe life into. I will close with haiku-like verse, attempting to capture the vital role of grief in realms uplifting and mythical as well as fiery and motivational:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes

One must know the pain,
To transform the fire to burning desire!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring, and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/Wellness/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet. His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.