Hi,
In light of this week's Wash, DC Metrorail tragedy, a number of folks in federal agencies responded positively to my idea for an article providing strategic tips for managing the emotional aftershocks and to help the community heal.
Mark Gorkin, LICSW, The Stress Doc ™301-875-2567 and stressdoc@aol.com
P.S. If I can help you plan a speaking or workshop program that will provide some relief and rejuvenation while building a stronger sense of team and community, email or call.
---------------------
The Stress Doc reflects on the recent Metrorail tragedy and outlines key steps and strategies for those of us not directly injured but nonetheless still dealing with lingering dis-ease or any post-trauma effects.
The Post-Metro Malaise: Strategic Steps for Managing Post-Trauma Aftershocks
For many of us, another date, Monday, June 22nd, has been painfully etched in personal and collective memory. For folks in the Metro-DC area, this tragedy erupting so close to home, the aftershocks are palpable and unnerving. Still, this is more than a local story. While Metro is a vital part of the DC psyche and lifeline, and is the hub of the region’s transportation fabric, it is also a national icon. Especially for many millions of visitors, one might say Washington, DC, is known far and wide for its “Three ‘M’s”: Museums, Monuments and Metro. People from all walks of life felt the impact of the fatal collision.
Of course, our hearts, tears and prayers go out to the victims and their families. Alas, words alone cannot console the grief and heal the pain of lives tragically torn asunder; one fervently hopes that family, friends, faith and renewed focus over time may provide some relief and encourage psychic healing and human bonding. So my purpose, then, is to mostly speak not to those physically injured or jolted by the catastrophic collision but to address all of us who must continue riding Metro as well as those who can imagine someday riding Metro and are weighing the pros and cons. My words are for those likely no longer in a state of shock, but possibly in a present state of dis-ease, feeling that one’s world is shadowed by a greater sense of vulnerability and diminished control.
For me this essay is personal. Monday I was on the Red Line. I had just attended a seminar on “Mentoring” at the Dept. of Homeland Security (a tad ironic, perhaps). I stopped to have lunch across the street at L’Enfant Plaza, and was sitting outside soaking up the sunshine. Around two thirty in the afternoon I began my northward trek to the Wheaton station, unconsciously passing the Fort Totten stop. Just another day in the life of a Metro-DC citizen/consultant.
But, of course, it wasn’t. Now questions linger: how do you/we make sense of the unthinkable? And how do you/we come to grips with any trauma or emotional angst that is an understandable byproduct of closely identifying with the specific tragic event and the overall psychosocial-infrastructural-“the degree of safety in my world of Washington, DC” gestalt now shaken in light of the Metrorail disaster?
Let me say that we in Washington – whether inside or beyond the Beltway – are no strangers to tragedy, whether it manifests as 9/11, sniper fire or an anthrax attack/scare. (In fact, I have drawn on some of my previous post-trauma strategic reflections for this article.) Many of us are battle-hardened; still each tragedy must be acknowledged and wrestled with on its own terms. And also worth mentioning is that we are presently living in uncertain times – economic, job- and budget-related challenges, mortgage crises, depleted savings, etc. abound – stressors which may propel uncertainty into outright anxiety or lack of control moodiness. Finally, the nature of a post-traumatic stress reaction may be influenced by three dynamics:
a) in general, the overall level of work and home life uncertainty or vulnerability, non-stop demand or disorganization that one is currently experiencing when tragedy or trauma hits,
b) the degree to which a person has had significant losses, especially early in life, one example being a child who experiences the death of a parent; or the degree to which significant losses throughout the life cycle have not been sufficiently or adequately grieved; for example, persistent upsetting dreams about earlier experiences of loss -- whether of a love one or of a “loss of control or hope” scenario -- might be a signal for seeking some grief counseling, and
c) intimately knowing someone involved in a tragedy or being physically near the calamity in place or time (experiencing that “close call”) often heightens a feeling of identification and may ratchet up personal anxiety or a sense of loss.
The Stress Doc's Tips for Managing Post-Trauma Stress
With this descriptive and diagnostic opening, let me share some tips and strategies for maintaining a realistic sense of control, some healing humor and grace in these trying times.1. Do a Self-Inventory. Are you experiencing any of these common post-traumatic stress symptoms?:
a) generalized anxiety or helplessness; loss of concentration or racing thoughts
b) eating or sleeping disturbance; increasing your use of alcohol and drugs to chill out
c) feeling numb or unpredictably weepy; sudden crying
d) somatic stress, e.g., headaches, muscle tension, rise in blood pressure, etc.
e) loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, roles and relations
f) impending doom; preoccupation with what will happen next.
You don’t have to have all these indicators to be a candidate for increased nurturance or reassurance, whether personal or professional. When one or two of these “smoke signals” reach intense levels, consider reaching out. Fortunately, federal employees have access to agency Employee Assistance Programs (EAP), that is, free, time-limited counseling. Talking with a trained and objective professional may be the best way to engage your thoughts and feelings and regain a sense of emotional equilibrium and perspective.
2. Stay Connected, Not Compulsive. As a general coping strategy, don't just bury your head in work as a way to tune out anxiety. Conversely, beware the deer in the headlights syndrome from CNN or internet overload. Beware being mesmerized by “news addict” media. Talk with significant others to help release and reduce your fears; however, seek a serene mean: constant venting (or being exposed to such an invasive "stress carrier") likely will fuel anxious ruminating.
3. If at All Possible, Get Back On the (Iron) Horse. The next two post-trauma management/prevention tips come from post-9/11 experiences. About a week before 9/11, I confirmed a visit to my folks in NYC via AMTRAK. I was to arrive on the 14th. Then 9/11 happened. Despite some anxiety, on the phone we agreed that short of a credible bomb threat at Penn Station I would head up. And I’m glad I did. Traveling on the train, landing in Penn Station, and later that weekend walking around Union Square with a friend, viewing the candlelight vigils, hearing the haunting strains of music and seeing the heart-wrenching, “Have you seen…?” photos, letter scraps and posters, was incredibly poignant and also cathartic. Confronting the myriad of emotions helped me tangibly feel the loss as well as find some sense in the ineffable and the irrational. I believe this emotional immersion ultimately prevented the development of phobic-like avoidance reactions and reduced the length and severity of the post-trauma experience. (Again, the experience is very different for an individual or family who more directly and tragically experienced “ground zero.”)
4. Sustain Commitment, Demonstrate Courage. When it comes to managing trauma and strengthening emotional muscle, more is on the line than just individual stress. How you handle challenges, including personal stress, often has important implications for others, especially the ones closest to you. Consider this second post-9/11 vignette. (I’m not equating the two tragedies; just trying to present a story for your consideration.): a Ph.D. Research Psychologist working at the National Institutes of Health (in the Metro-Washington area) at a Center meeting recalled the terror-induced distraught weeping of her ten-year-old daughter. The girl was trying to dissuade her mother from attending an out-of-town conference about one month after the September attacks. Despite having left the child with her parents, this single mother was still not sure she had done the right thing. Once discerning that the daughter was doing fine, I asked this Mom to loosen her guilt knot and to consider that, "You've been a role model for courage. That despite having some fears, the message you gave your daughter was not of neglect. Your actions revealed having enough confidence in yourself and in her, and a belief in meeting important responsibilities even in tough times."
5. Share the Humor. Clearly, there's no joking away today's litany of fears, scares and tragedies yet, as the comedic genius, Charlie Chaplin, understood, more than ever we need to laugh: "A paradoxical thing is that in making comedy the tragic is precisely which arouses the funny...we have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and (in order) not to go crazy." Right now, some light and enlightening in-house training and conference programs filled with some safe venting, laughter and fun just might make a timely and invaluable healing and inspiring gift.
Sometimes, though, major planning isn't necessary; healing humor may only require a deft touch at a sensitive or "higher power" moment. Consider the repertoire of a Southwest Airlines employee at a traditionally somber interlude. Reviewing takeoff procedures, the steward, holding both oxygen mask and float cushion, suddenly says, "Since part of this trip will be over water, in the unlikely event that this flight becomes a cruise"…and before he could complete his instructions, waves of laughter rolled through the cabin.
Whether getting on a plane, train or being apart from family while attending a conference, being able to find some humor or a sense of the absurd in the face of our doubts and demons are all vital components for long-term relief and rejuvenation. According to psychiatrist, Ernst Kris, "What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." And as the Stress Doc inverted: "What was once feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!"
But it was the great humanitarian and disability pioneer, Helen Keller, who truly captured the importance of humor as a heart-to-heart healing and uplifting source, especially in trying times: “The world is so full of care and sorrow it is a gracious debt we owe one another to discover the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks.” Amen and women to that!
6. Distinguish Probable vs. Possible. As the former Washington Post reporter, Doug Feaver, who covered Metro and other local and national transportation issues, stated in his June 24 op-ed piece, despite the recent tragedy and the age of some of the trains, “Metro is extraordinarily safe. About 40,000 people nationwide were killed in traffic accidents in 2007, the last year for which totals are available…A total of 12 passengers and two metro employees have been killed since the system opened.”
When decision-making is driven by "the possible" (adverse consequences) then we are nearly always anxious, vulnerable and on the edge. With a fertile mind, almost any negative influence or occurrence or omen can be lurking in the shadows. However, by evaluating situations more objectively, often with the help of fact-driven feedback, thereby discerning what is a reasonable expectation or likely result, that is, "the probable," we can: a) better assess past and present issues and events as well as future warning indicators, b) identify more accurately the problem-solving content and context, what's relevant background data, what's noise, and c) generate more reliable, optimally risk-taking and more likely to be effective individual and collective response options and actions.
Of course, using a probability perspective means randomness and hazards are to some degree in play; you cannot be omniscient or be totally in control of all contingencies. We all want to know as quickly as possible the causes of the tragedy. Let the investigators do their job. Be careful not to jump to premature conclusions just to resolve anxiety and create the illusion of control.
Remember, wisdom is usually seen as a yin-yang mix of having knowledge and being able to tolerate uncertainty; taking action yet knowing when to exercise judicious restraint; becoming emotionally involved and demonstrating some detachment. The Serenity Prayer, once again, seems prescient:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
7. Take Timely, Concrete and Positive Action. Try formulating two or three action steps that might help you feel a small but significant degree of enhanced safety and security. If you are considering using Metro again, how about riding with a friend or “stress buddy?” For example, I’ve been doing work with officers, soldiers and spouses at Ft. Hood, TX. When the soldiers deploy to Iraq, not surprisingly, it’s a stressful time on the home front. In highly coordinated fashion, the spouses' “battlefield buddy” network swings into action, establishing phone trees and help lines, peer social and support groups, family outings, etc. The BLUF (“Bottom Line Under Fire, not "Bottom Line U Fool"): “Don’t suffer alone in silence!”
Like the state of crisis, post-trauma effects are time-limited; a person will typically regain a state of mind-body equilibrium within one to six weeks. The equilibrium may reflect: a) positive problem-solving and the further development of one’s mind-body-spirit resources or support systems or b) regression using avoidance coping strategies that constrict the choices and boundaries of your life. This is why the Chinese have two characters for “crisis” – “danger and opportunity.” So strike when the ego is hot, for there is a timely learning curve: effective coping during the one-six week vulnerable window not only restores a sense of confidence and competence but often helps develop cognitive and emotional muscles for managing future trauma or crisis effects.
In summary, there is cause for hope and even optimism. Post-traumatic stress is natural, and if purposefully engaged may heighten an individual's problem solving capacity, enhance one's communal circle of support and, in addition, the grief process may be a catalyst for potent healing and growth producing energy. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like Spring upon Winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
8. Develop Natural SPEED. Finally, try this daily formula for natural stress inoculation:S = Sleep. Don't be cheap with your need for sleep. Less than six hours a day for most folks dulls cognitive sharpness, a critical faculty for firmly grounding those fear factors and exploring problem solving opportunities.
P = Priorities. One example: distinguish "the urgent" (which must be handled immediately) from "the important" (which can be prioritized). The second approach when it comes to establishing priorities: “learn to say no.” Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away. Consider these Stress Doc maxims: “A firm ‘No’ a day keeps the ulcers away, and the hostilities, too” and “Do know your limits and don’t limit your ‘No’s.”
E = Empathy. Have a stress buddy at work and/or home; someone with whom you can both give and get support. As I once penned: “E” is for the empathy found in a caring shoulder. But all give without take is a big mistake for now you shoulder a boulder!
E = Exercise. Not only does aerobic level exercise stimulate the mind-body's natural mood enhancing chemicals, but walking two miles or a 30-minute workout at the gym provides a beginning and endpoint for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control. In uncertain times, success rituals definitely strengthen psychological hardiness and resilience.
D = Diet. This is not the time to use food to numb your angst. High fats and simple sugars along with excess alcohol dull the brain in the long run and can even trigger moodiness and depression. A conscious healthy eating regimen will be another self-control component in your strategic plan for mind-body safety and personal-professional integrity.
Hopefully, this article has raised some questions and outlined some steps and strategies for positively responding to these trying if not traumatic times…words to help one and all Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Transforming Critical Feedback into Purposeful Play
Hi,
Here's a concise essay on how a clever and courageous leader was able to give her partners palatable critical performance feedback by presenting a message that was both meaningful and mirthful. Of course, some foundation of mutual respect and TLC modeling is advisable.
And upon reading my essay, here's the quick response from the above cutting-edge leader:
Thanks, Doc! :-)
And thanks so much for attending on Saturday -- I am so glad that the "Whimsical Awards" went over well -- I was SO nervous about doing those! :-)
I would LOVE to have you participate as a contributor to the Regional newsletter!! And I'd like to share your articles on leadership and team-building with colleagues here at NGA as well -- don't be surprised if I ask you to come give a workshop here! :-)
I will gladly share this information with the Chapter Presidents, and with the other Regional Managers to share with their chapters, too, and look forward to seeing you again real soon!! :-)
Have a Great Monday!
Valerie
Valerie Stringer
Regional Manager, DC Metro
Federally Employed Women
[Working for the Advancement of Women in Govt.]
[MG: If anyone is interested in using my articles and essays in an organizational newsletter, please email stressdoc@aol.com or call -- 301-875-2567.]
----------------------------
Transforming Critical Feedback into Purposeful Play
Or Confronting the Intimate FOE: Turning Fear of Exposure into the Fun of Embarrassment
I just experienced a wonderful way of giving relevant performance feedback, especially of the critical variety. And, challenging feedback convention, the “calling out” is even occurring in a public forum. In addition, making the process surprising and special is the fact that all are laughing, including the object of the criticism. But all are laughing with not at the so-called target; everyone can and has walked in those far from perfect performance shoes (and can feel the overworked bunions). One analogy coming to mind is a celebrity “roast” except, in this particular instance, there are a number of sacrificial lambs who, actually, have already been lionized earlier for various achievements. (Once again we see the value of pairing positive affirmation when providing some critical comments.)
To be specific, I attended one of those end of the year Awards functions. It was for the DC Metro regional and chapter reps and chair persons of FEW – Federally Employed Women. Actually, all members were invited. And despite it being a rainy Saturday, about forty were in the audience. The program was humming along with the dispensation of diploma-like appreciations in blue folders and an occasional small plaque with neat lettering, followed by the requisite photo op with the Regional Manager. (I suspect we were also humming in anticipation of the bountiful potluck lunch provided by attendees.)
However, about three quarters of the way through the program, said Regional Manager, Valerie Stringer, definitely went outside the Awards Box. Valerie announced that this year’s proceedings would be spiced up with some “Whimsical Awards.” Let me share some of my favorites. For the chapter that has still not quite been able to get their website and a regular newsletter up and running, Valerie gave an FTL – “Failure to Launch” Award. (Wisely, Valerie mentioned that some of the inertia occurred under her tenure with the local chapter.) Another personal favorite was the recognition bestowed upon the chapter behind in collecting members’ dues: “Treasurers Need Not Apply” Award. And a general award for attitude, “You Got Some Nerve” went, appropriately enough, to DC Women with a Mission! Of course, Valerie, herself did not escape a touch of roasting by a chapter rep. For a busy if not at times beleaguered leader, what better recognition than an “If You Send Me Another D..M Email” Award. (Actually, the “D” word was “Darn”; forgive my poetic emphasis.)
“Whimsical” Context
Of course, some interpersonal context is needed. During the initial business part of the event, Valerie’s openness to feedback – whether general observations or, more pointedly, what the chapter leadership needs to be initiating or following-up on – was evident. In fair turn, when necessary, this Regional Manager seemed comfortable providing summation or direction after some group discussion. Group, communication was clearly two-way. Also, obvious was Valerie’s low key, occasionally self-effacing and playfully sly sense of humor. I suspect most folks understood the “Whimsical Awards” (WA) was a reflection of her mirthful and mischievous nature and not an attempt to play gotcha with the recipients.
Still, Valerie was exercising a necessary leadership function: holding accountable those she most directly counts on to fulfill the organization’s mission, goals and objectives. Enough different individuals received a WA so I doubt any one person felt truly singled out. And despite the public critique, which in other contexts can have a humiliating impact, poking good-natured fun evoked cheers of acknowledgement. It’s true, one or two recipients appeared mildly embarrassed walking up for the award. However any touches of red were quickly overshadowed by the audience’s warmth and an award winner’s own knowing laughter. For example, one recipient reframed her dues collection issue as a “marketing strategy to get new members.” And, finally, a bear hug from Valerie quickly dissolved any lingering discomfort.
With hindsight, in light of the potential risk, perhaps a necessary foundation for a successful “Whimsical” process is some baseline level of mutual respect and reciprocity between a leader and partners. And it certainly didn't hurt having Valerie model what I've called "A Leader's Greatest Gift -- TLCs: Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration." [Email stressdoc@aol.com for the original article or information about my speaking program of the same name.]
Playful yet Purposeful Conclusion
Let’s summarize the ingenious nature of this two-way, leadership-and-partners feedback process:
1. The leader transforms her concerns or frustration into clever and relevant quips; aggressive energy is converted into creative activity
2. While providing an element of risk, the public forum enables the leader to underscore key operational issues and values; simultaneously, everyone hears and, potentially, takes to heart the meaningful messages
3. The light-hearted nature of the messenger and message softens its pointed quality
4. A “being singled out” effect is also tempered by the preexisting reciprocity, trust and respect in the room, as well as the event’s and the audience’s positive energy
5. Finally, when a group can allow for the mutual poking of fun around significant issues without generating feelings of disrespect or humiliation – in fact, eliciting just the opposite, cheers and reassuring acceptance – the result invariably is an enhanced feeling of camaraderie and trust. And just maybe, developing such relationship skills and strategies can help us all…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Here's a concise essay on how a clever and courageous leader was able to give her partners palatable critical performance feedback by presenting a message that was both meaningful and mirthful. Of course, some foundation of mutual respect and TLC modeling is advisable.
And upon reading my essay, here's the quick response from the above cutting-edge leader:
Thanks, Doc! :-)
And thanks so much for attending on Saturday -- I am so glad that the "Whimsical Awards" went over well -- I was SO nervous about doing those! :-)
I would LOVE to have you participate as a contributor to the Regional newsletter!! And I'd like to share your articles on leadership and team-building with colleagues here at NGA as well -- don't be surprised if I ask you to come give a workshop here! :-)
I will gladly share this information with the Chapter Presidents, and with the other Regional Managers to share with their chapters, too, and look forward to seeing you again real soon!! :-)
Have a Great Monday!
Valerie
Valerie Stringer
Regional Manager, DC Metro
Federally Employed Women
[Working for the Advancement of Women in Govt.]
[MG: If anyone is interested in using my articles and essays in an organizational newsletter, please email stressdoc@aol.com or call -- 301-875-2567.]
----------------------------
Transforming Critical Feedback into Purposeful Play
Or Confronting the Intimate FOE: Turning Fear of Exposure into the Fun of Embarrassment
I just experienced a wonderful way of giving relevant performance feedback, especially of the critical variety. And, challenging feedback convention, the “calling out” is even occurring in a public forum. In addition, making the process surprising and special is the fact that all are laughing, including the object of the criticism. But all are laughing with not at the so-called target; everyone can and has walked in those far from perfect performance shoes (and can feel the overworked bunions). One analogy coming to mind is a celebrity “roast” except, in this particular instance, there are a number of sacrificial lambs who, actually, have already been lionized earlier for various achievements. (Once again we see the value of pairing positive affirmation when providing some critical comments.)
To be specific, I attended one of those end of the year Awards functions. It was for the DC Metro regional and chapter reps and chair persons of FEW – Federally Employed Women. Actually, all members were invited. And despite it being a rainy Saturday, about forty were in the audience. The program was humming along with the dispensation of diploma-like appreciations in blue folders and an occasional small plaque with neat lettering, followed by the requisite photo op with the Regional Manager. (I suspect we were also humming in anticipation of the bountiful potluck lunch provided by attendees.)
However, about three quarters of the way through the program, said Regional Manager, Valerie Stringer, definitely went outside the Awards Box. Valerie announced that this year’s proceedings would be spiced up with some “Whimsical Awards.” Let me share some of my favorites. For the chapter that has still not quite been able to get their website and a regular newsletter up and running, Valerie gave an FTL – “Failure to Launch” Award. (Wisely, Valerie mentioned that some of the inertia occurred under her tenure with the local chapter.) Another personal favorite was the recognition bestowed upon the chapter behind in collecting members’ dues: “Treasurers Need Not Apply” Award. And a general award for attitude, “You Got Some Nerve” went, appropriately enough, to DC Women with a Mission! Of course, Valerie, herself did not escape a touch of roasting by a chapter rep. For a busy if not at times beleaguered leader, what better recognition than an “If You Send Me Another D..M Email” Award. (Actually, the “D” word was “Darn”; forgive my poetic emphasis.)
“Whimsical” Context
Of course, some interpersonal context is needed. During the initial business part of the event, Valerie’s openness to feedback – whether general observations or, more pointedly, what the chapter leadership needs to be initiating or following-up on – was evident. In fair turn, when necessary, this Regional Manager seemed comfortable providing summation or direction after some group discussion. Group, communication was clearly two-way. Also, obvious was Valerie’s low key, occasionally self-effacing and playfully sly sense of humor. I suspect most folks understood the “Whimsical Awards” (WA) was a reflection of her mirthful and mischievous nature and not an attempt to play gotcha with the recipients.
Still, Valerie was exercising a necessary leadership function: holding accountable those she most directly counts on to fulfill the organization’s mission, goals and objectives. Enough different individuals received a WA so I doubt any one person felt truly singled out. And despite the public critique, which in other contexts can have a humiliating impact, poking good-natured fun evoked cheers of acknowledgement. It’s true, one or two recipients appeared mildly embarrassed walking up for the award. However any touches of red were quickly overshadowed by the audience’s warmth and an award winner’s own knowing laughter. For example, one recipient reframed her dues collection issue as a “marketing strategy to get new members.” And, finally, a bear hug from Valerie quickly dissolved any lingering discomfort.
With hindsight, in light of the potential risk, perhaps a necessary foundation for a successful “Whimsical” process is some baseline level of mutual respect and reciprocity between a leader and partners. And it certainly didn't hurt having Valerie model what I've called "A Leader's Greatest Gift -- TLCs: Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration." [Email stressdoc@aol.com for the original article or information about my speaking program of the same name.]
Playful yet Purposeful Conclusion
Let’s summarize the ingenious nature of this two-way, leadership-and-partners feedback process:
1. The leader transforms her concerns or frustration into clever and relevant quips; aggressive energy is converted into creative activity
2. While providing an element of risk, the public forum enables the leader to underscore key operational issues and values; simultaneously, everyone hears and, potentially, takes to heart the meaningful messages
3. The light-hearted nature of the messenger and message softens its pointed quality
4. A “being singled out” effect is also tempered by the preexisting reciprocity, trust and respect in the room, as well as the event’s and the audience’s positive energy
5. Finally, when a group can allow for the mutual poking of fun around significant issues without generating feelings of disrespect or humiliation – in fact, eliciting just the opposite, cheers and reassuring acceptance – the result invariably is an enhanced feeling of camaraderie and trust. And just maybe, developing such relationship skills and strategies can help us all…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Confronting Prejudicial Comments in the Workplace and Reader Responses
The same day that the right wing terrorist invaded the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC and killed a security guard, my girl friend encountered a much more prosaic form of anti-Semitism. And while her experience was not in any way life-threatening, nonetheless her casual if not commonplace encounter merits documentation and its expression deserves confrontation. D. works part-time at a local plant nursery in a semi-rural community about 30 miles east of Cleveland. Most of her co-workers are women ranging in age from the 20s to the 60s. Overall, they work well together. The group was celebrating a colleague’s birthday and slices of cake were being passed around in circular fashion. A young woman, I will call K., with a definite rural upbringing, found herself with a piece of cake noticeably smaller than the previous offering. Suddenly, with a mix of matter of fact and frustration, the aggrieved party announces that, “Hey, I’ve been Jewed down.”
No one made a comment, though later several of the women expressed shock at the blatant prejudicial stereotyping. A couple of the women are Jewish, including my girlfriend. D.’s mother, born in Germany, escaped the Nazi madness at the 11th hour. Some of her family members were not so fortunate and perished at the concentration camps. So there’s added poignancy to her pain.
Later that evening, D. recounted the above events and also noted that the young woman’s mother, a manager in the nursery, is known to make disparaging comments about various ethnic groups. Sure sounds like the proverbial acorn falling near the dis-eased tree. Nonetheless, D. had decided she wanted to say something to K. Talking out loud, D. quickly spoke of how the woman had “made me upset,” had “hurt my feelings” and that she “felt disrespected.”
The Confrontations
I immediately had a visceral reaction. I fairly shouted, “Stop being a victim.” I proceeded to emphasize the importance of letting go of “you made me upset” or “you hurt my feelings” as such phrasing gives way too much power to this callow youth and makes D. seem overly sensitive. Better to say, “I was angry” by the “Jewed down” comment. I encouraged D. to basically convey that, “Your remarks are not only prejudicial, but ignorant and disrespectful as well.”
D. quickly appreciated the difference in approaches, and was ready to discard the victim role. Initially, D. said she wanted K. to really feel “embarrassed.” I had mixed feelings about using that as her motivation. While I could understand D.’s frustration, I reiterated my focus in such a situation: to let the person know he or she has violated my boundary as a human being, and I want the individual to know my anger, to know what I don’t like and why. Yes, I want them to be uncomfortable, maybe even anxious. But embarrass can easily be a code word for "humiliate" which means “to lower,” and synonyms are “to demote” and “to disgrace.” And to my way of thinking, that kind of sentiment is too close to having an intention similar to the initial prejudicial comment.
D. mulled over my remarks. With her basic sensitivity, I knew D. did not wish to push the young woman’s face in the mud. The next day, D. waited till K. was alone, and then said she wanted to talk to her about yesterday’s party. More specifically, “I was angry when you said you’d been ‘Jewed down’ over the piece of cake.” As D. had predicted, the young woman initially got defensive, nervously saying she, “didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just an expression all my friends use.” (In some ways, this is the most disheartening revelation. The casual stereotyping, that just slides off the tongue without any forethought: the prejudicial assumption that becomes an unquestioned axiom and everyday expression.)
D. quickly replied, “You didn’t hurt me. I was angry with your show of ignorance and disrespect.” Di told her that she and some others at work are Jewish. D. then asked her if she knew what the expression meant. K. said, “That Jews are cheap; they want to cheat you.”
D. then stated why the comment is so distasteful: “There are cheap individuals in all groups. But don’t label a whole group of people with that kind of prejudice and ignorance. And even if I wasn’t Jewish, it’s just being downright disrespectful…What if I called you a ‘hillbilly?’ Would you like that?”
The Unfinished Close
According to D., the young woman seemed to flinch and acknowledged that she wouldn’t like that. D. realized there was nothing left to say and walked away. (In an ideal world, perhaps D. might have closed the encounter with, “I do appreciate you listening.”) However, she didn’t make a point of avoiding or shunning K. the rest of the day. K. was still a colleague and D. needed to have a working relationship with her.
Upon returning to her work area, several of her colleagues somehow knew that D. had confronted K. and expressed their appreciation. However, what wasn’t discussed earlier or now was why people had not responded immediately to K.’s prejudicial remark. The women being initially startled accounts for some of the silent reaction, that is, the lack of head and heart responses. However, I believe another factor is at play: most of us don’t realize how toxic such comments are to the mind-body and moral and morale-sustaining atmosphere of a group or community. These days, people usually speak up when someone lights up a cigarette in a non-smoking area. We will have come a long way as a society when in similar fashion bystanders or team members set limits on and engage such prejudicial fodder.
Later that evening, D. wondered if she had made an impact with K. We agreed that it was hard to predict. But I supported D.’s comment that, “Maybe she’ll be just a little more uncomfortable when those around her resort to such stereotypes.” Amen and women to that! Thoughts to help us all...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
-------------
Responses to the 6/15/09 posting of "Confronting Prejudicial Comments in the Workplace"
These were the responses to the essay, "Confronting Prejudicial Comments in the Workplace" received over the past 36 hours. As I wrote to one of the respondents, who in turn shared personal experiences with prejudice, "You're so right, Walt. When it (prejudicial language) just "innocently" or "unawares" enters the language, that's when it can be most difficult to confront. It's like a silent virus; it doesn't overtly kill the body, it just infects the mind, heart and soul. [I've decided on a new appellation to describe this casual, perhaps unconscious, use of prejudicial language -- SBV: "Silent But Viral."]
-------------------------
Hi, Mark. Thanks for the article. I'm not Jew, I'm a Filipino. But I learned quite a number of things in this article about confrontation. Thanks. Shalom.
John
----------------
Thank you, Mark! This is a good article. You're right that so many of these comments go unchallenged, usually because of initial shock and then embarrassment, as if trying to protect the offender from him- or herself by not drawing attention to the comment. However, in the end, that does not do anyone a service. You did well in your coaching of your girlfriend. You are correct about not giving the assailant too much power by letting them know that they hurt you.
Dianne from NYC
----------------------
Mark, you have such a gift. What wonderful lessons to be re-learned here. Thanks so much for sharing. I will definitely share.
Ellen Gray, Manager
Center of Business Excellence
No. Virginia Community College (NVCC)
------------------------
Mark-Thanks for sharing. It reminded me how easy it is to say something that is prejudicial, even about ourselves. My temper flared up the other day and I blamed it on my Irish great-grandfather rather than the issue at hand. Thanks and have a wonderful day! -Jennie
Jennie E. Barchet CPS/CAP Administrative Assistant II
Bausch & Lomb Global Quality
Rochester, New York
-------------------------
Good morning Mark,
The best advice was to take away the thought of being the victim. It literally puts you in, for the lack of a better word, a lesser or lower position. It takes away the opportunity to make an impact on an individual and a community. D became the teacher, the position of power. Knowledge is power right? D had the privilege & power of teaching another human being the value of another human being who is distinctly different. Each one teach one. Also, the attitude of the teacher is paramount. If you have a victim mentality you will teach from a victims perspective. If you have a teacher/power mentality you will teach a powerful lesson. On my way to work. Keep me posted. Have a fantastic day!
Carlotta
------------------------
You are absolutely right, and you make me realise that I was a coward when, a few months ago, colleagues made cheap jokes about Christians in the workplace and I didn't speak up. Someone had bought wedding favours to go on her daughter's reception tables -- models of Jesus and Mohammed. Everyone else thought this hilarious. I just found it sick. But all I could manage was, 'Oh, Jane!' in the appropriate tone of voice. I didn't want to criticise her wedding plans. No-one stopped to think that I might have found the idea offensive -- but so too might some of her guests. Good for you for helping your girlfriend go back and confront the objectionable colleague the next day!
Karen McAulay
-----------------------
Hi Mark, That happened to me also 2 or three times -- also by people who are originally from very rural areas. The last time, it was from my neighbor across the street. She immediately apologized and said she was so embarrassed, especially to say that in front of me. But ever since that time, I can't help thinking that she and her family talk that way all the time. So there is that distance (that they really think that Jews have horns, etc.)
Yes, anti-Semitism is still very much alive. Take care
Rachel
-------------------------
Mark, this is a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing!
CD
Cleveland Clinic
--------------------------
Mark, I lost 5 uncles and countless other relatives in Auschwitz -- my father had 7 brothers, only 2 survived -- the 5 others died in the arms of the 2 that survived. They were told not to eat too much when they were liberated, their stomachs would burst, and that is exactly what happened.
Mark -- this will never end, not as long as we live.
Rho
-------------------------
Hi Mark,
Thanks! I really like this and am going to share it if that’s okay with you. I hope you’re doing well! I have been completely swamped! I just got back from an out of town trip so I’m trying to catch up on things. We’re still on for lunch on the 30th – see you then!
Linda
Linda L. Fresh
EEO Special Emphasis Programs Specialist
Federal Women's Program Manager
Department of Homeland Security
Headquarters Equal Employment Opportunity Office
---------------------------
On a similar note, I was on the phone with a guy once and when he quoted me a price that seemed too low for something, I was concerned that he was mistaken regarding what I was looking for. So, I quoted him the price I had typically paid to which he responded, “Whoever sold you those at that price must have had a lot Hebrew in him.” I literally couldn’t believe my ears and asked him to repeat, which he did with no shame. At this point, I politely told him that I was no longer interested in doing business with him and hung up. I’ve since regretted the lost opportunity to coach him on his ethnic bashing, but he certainly wasn’t going to get any of my money, even if his prices were a bargain! I did think, also, that he would have choice words for me, too, if he knew I was black! Thank goodness there is less bigotry to deal with now than when we were children, but it’s still out there. Walt
-----------
Great story, Mark! I abhor that particular epithet as well as another that’s in common usage, ‘gyp’. I explained to someone just the other day why that was inappropriate as it was a derogatory about Gypsies. In this case, the person truly wasn’t aware that the comment had ethnic origins, but it could still hurt nonetheless. Thanks for sharing this, Mark.
Walt
Walter B. Sanderson, III
Vice President, Human Resources
SiriusXM
-----------------------
Mark—This is a great article.
Senora Coggs
Senior Policy Advisor
Office of Civil RightsU.S. Department of Commerce
----------------------
Thank you for sending that article. It was both well-written and poignant.
Meryl
I plan to share this with others.
Meryl Trachtman
Jewish Community Center
Rockville, MD
----------------------
Mark, This is great. Please place it on my Anger Management Group discussion on Linkedin. (Click here: LinkedIn: Anderson & Anderson Anger Management Providers of the United States: Start a Discussion); mailto:AGeorgenderson@aol.com
-----------------------
No one made a comment, though later several of the women expressed shock at the blatant prejudicial stereotyping. A couple of the women are Jewish, including my girlfriend. D.’s mother, born in Germany, escaped the Nazi madness at the 11th hour. Some of her family members were not so fortunate and perished at the concentration camps. So there’s added poignancy to her pain.
Later that evening, D. recounted the above events and also noted that the young woman’s mother, a manager in the nursery, is known to make disparaging comments about various ethnic groups. Sure sounds like the proverbial acorn falling near the dis-eased tree. Nonetheless, D. had decided she wanted to say something to K. Talking out loud, D. quickly spoke of how the woman had “made me upset,” had “hurt my feelings” and that she “felt disrespected.”
The Confrontations
I immediately had a visceral reaction. I fairly shouted, “Stop being a victim.” I proceeded to emphasize the importance of letting go of “you made me upset” or “you hurt my feelings” as such phrasing gives way too much power to this callow youth and makes D. seem overly sensitive. Better to say, “I was angry” by the “Jewed down” comment. I encouraged D. to basically convey that, “Your remarks are not only prejudicial, but ignorant and disrespectful as well.”
D. quickly appreciated the difference in approaches, and was ready to discard the victim role. Initially, D. said she wanted K. to really feel “embarrassed.” I had mixed feelings about using that as her motivation. While I could understand D.’s frustration, I reiterated my focus in such a situation: to let the person know he or she has violated my boundary as a human being, and I want the individual to know my anger, to know what I don’t like and why. Yes, I want them to be uncomfortable, maybe even anxious. But embarrass can easily be a code word for "humiliate" which means “to lower,” and synonyms are “to demote” and “to disgrace.” And to my way of thinking, that kind of sentiment is too close to having an intention similar to the initial prejudicial comment.
D. mulled over my remarks. With her basic sensitivity, I knew D. did not wish to push the young woman’s face in the mud. The next day, D. waited till K. was alone, and then said she wanted to talk to her about yesterday’s party. More specifically, “I was angry when you said you’d been ‘Jewed down’ over the piece of cake.” As D. had predicted, the young woman initially got defensive, nervously saying she, “didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just an expression all my friends use.” (In some ways, this is the most disheartening revelation. The casual stereotyping, that just slides off the tongue without any forethought: the prejudicial assumption that becomes an unquestioned axiom and everyday expression.)
D. quickly replied, “You didn’t hurt me. I was angry with your show of ignorance and disrespect.” Di told her that she and some others at work are Jewish. D. then asked her if she knew what the expression meant. K. said, “That Jews are cheap; they want to cheat you.”
D. then stated why the comment is so distasteful: “There are cheap individuals in all groups. But don’t label a whole group of people with that kind of prejudice and ignorance. And even if I wasn’t Jewish, it’s just being downright disrespectful…What if I called you a ‘hillbilly?’ Would you like that?”
The Unfinished Close
According to D., the young woman seemed to flinch and acknowledged that she wouldn’t like that. D. realized there was nothing left to say and walked away. (In an ideal world, perhaps D. might have closed the encounter with, “I do appreciate you listening.”) However, she didn’t make a point of avoiding or shunning K. the rest of the day. K. was still a colleague and D. needed to have a working relationship with her.
Upon returning to her work area, several of her colleagues somehow knew that D. had confronted K. and expressed their appreciation. However, what wasn’t discussed earlier or now was why people had not responded immediately to K.’s prejudicial remark. The women being initially startled accounts for some of the silent reaction, that is, the lack of head and heart responses. However, I believe another factor is at play: most of us don’t realize how toxic such comments are to the mind-body and moral and morale-sustaining atmosphere of a group or community. These days, people usually speak up when someone lights up a cigarette in a non-smoking area. We will have come a long way as a society when in similar fashion bystanders or team members set limits on and engage such prejudicial fodder.
Later that evening, D. wondered if she had made an impact with K. We agreed that it was hard to predict. But I supported D.’s comment that, “Maybe she’ll be just a little more uncomfortable when those around her resort to such stereotypes.” Amen and women to that! Thoughts to help us all...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
-------------
Responses to the 6/15/09 posting of "Confronting Prejudicial Comments in the Workplace"
These were the responses to the essay, "Confronting Prejudicial Comments in the Workplace" received over the past 36 hours. As I wrote to one of the respondents, who in turn shared personal experiences with prejudice, "You're so right, Walt. When it (prejudicial language) just "innocently" or "unawares" enters the language, that's when it can be most difficult to confront. It's like a silent virus; it doesn't overtly kill the body, it just infects the mind, heart and soul. [I've decided on a new appellation to describe this casual, perhaps unconscious, use of prejudicial language -- SBV: "Silent But Viral."]
-------------------------
Hi, Mark. Thanks for the article. I'm not Jew, I'm a Filipino. But I learned quite a number of things in this article about confrontation. Thanks. Shalom.
John
----------------
Thank you, Mark! This is a good article. You're right that so many of these comments go unchallenged, usually because of initial shock and then embarrassment, as if trying to protect the offender from him- or herself by not drawing attention to the comment. However, in the end, that does not do anyone a service. You did well in your coaching of your girlfriend. You are correct about not giving the assailant too much power by letting them know that they hurt you.
Dianne from NYC
----------------------
Mark, you have such a gift. What wonderful lessons to be re-learned here. Thanks so much for sharing. I will definitely share.
Ellen Gray, Manager
Center of Business Excellence
No. Virginia Community College (NVCC)
------------------------
Mark-Thanks for sharing. It reminded me how easy it is to say something that is prejudicial, even about ourselves. My temper flared up the other day and I blamed it on my Irish great-grandfather rather than the issue at hand. Thanks and have a wonderful day! -Jennie
Jennie E. Barchet CPS/CAP Administrative Assistant II
Bausch & Lomb Global Quality
Rochester, New York
-------------------------
Good morning Mark,
The best advice was to take away the thought of being the victim. It literally puts you in, for the lack of a better word, a lesser or lower position. It takes away the opportunity to make an impact on an individual and a community. D became the teacher, the position of power. Knowledge is power right? D had the privilege & power of teaching another human being the value of another human being who is distinctly different. Each one teach one. Also, the attitude of the teacher is paramount. If you have a victim mentality you will teach from a victims perspective. If you have a teacher/power mentality you will teach a powerful lesson. On my way to work. Keep me posted. Have a fantastic day!
Carlotta
------------------------
You are absolutely right, and you make me realise that I was a coward when, a few months ago, colleagues made cheap jokes about Christians in the workplace and I didn't speak up. Someone had bought wedding favours to go on her daughter's reception tables -- models of Jesus and Mohammed. Everyone else thought this hilarious. I just found it sick. But all I could manage was, 'Oh, Jane!' in the appropriate tone of voice. I didn't want to criticise her wedding plans. No-one stopped to think that I might have found the idea offensive -- but so too might some of her guests. Good for you for helping your girlfriend go back and confront the objectionable colleague the next day!
Karen McAulay
-----------------------
Hi Mark, That happened to me also 2 or three times -- also by people who are originally from very rural areas. The last time, it was from my neighbor across the street. She immediately apologized and said she was so embarrassed, especially to say that in front of me. But ever since that time, I can't help thinking that she and her family talk that way all the time. So there is that distance (that they really think that Jews have horns, etc.)
Yes, anti-Semitism is still very much alive. Take care
Rachel
-------------------------
Mark, this is a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing!
CD
Cleveland Clinic
--------------------------
Mark, I lost 5 uncles and countless other relatives in Auschwitz -- my father had 7 brothers, only 2 survived -- the 5 others died in the arms of the 2 that survived. They were told not to eat too much when they were liberated, their stomachs would burst, and that is exactly what happened.
Mark -- this will never end, not as long as we live.
Rho
-------------------------
Hi Mark,
Thanks! I really like this and am going to share it if that’s okay with you. I hope you’re doing well! I have been completely swamped! I just got back from an out of town trip so I’m trying to catch up on things. We’re still on for lunch on the 30th – see you then!
Linda
Linda L. Fresh
EEO Special Emphasis Programs Specialist
Federal Women's Program Manager
Department of Homeland Security
Headquarters Equal Employment Opportunity Office
---------------------------
On a similar note, I was on the phone with a guy once and when he quoted me a price that seemed too low for something, I was concerned that he was mistaken regarding what I was looking for. So, I quoted him the price I had typically paid to which he responded, “Whoever sold you those at that price must have had a lot Hebrew in him.” I literally couldn’t believe my ears and asked him to repeat, which he did with no shame. At this point, I politely told him that I was no longer interested in doing business with him and hung up. I’ve since regretted the lost opportunity to coach him on his ethnic bashing, but he certainly wasn’t going to get any of my money, even if his prices were a bargain! I did think, also, that he would have choice words for me, too, if he knew I was black! Thank goodness there is less bigotry to deal with now than when we were children, but it’s still out there. Walt
-----------
Great story, Mark! I abhor that particular epithet as well as another that’s in common usage, ‘gyp’. I explained to someone just the other day why that was inappropriate as it was a derogatory about Gypsies. In this case, the person truly wasn’t aware that the comment had ethnic origins, but it could still hurt nonetheless. Thanks for sharing this, Mark.
Walt
Walter B. Sanderson, III
Vice President, Human Resources
SiriusXM
-----------------------
Mark—This is a great article.
Senora Coggs
Senior Policy Advisor
Office of Civil RightsU.S. Department of Commerce
----------------------
Thank you for sending that article. It was both well-written and poignant.
Meryl
I plan to share this with others.
Meryl Trachtman
Jewish Community Center
Rockville, MD
----------------------
Mark, This is great. Please place it on my Anger Management Group discussion on Linkedin. (Click here: LinkedIn: Anderson & Anderson Anger Management Providers of the United States: Start a Discussion); mailto:AGeorgenderson@aol.com
-----------------------
Friday, June 12, 2009
Transforming Conflict: Replacing Blaming "You"s with Tactfully Assertive "I"s
During a Practice Safe Stress and Team Building workshop for legal assistants and support staff of a major law firm, a paralegal, with an edge in his voice, recalled a frustrating encounter with one of the firm’s partners. Apparently, misinformation or a misunderstanding led to a project being mishandled and an important deadline being missed. The paralegal, in response to perceived one-sided criticism, counterpunched: “It’s not my fault…you didn’t give me the right instructions.”
Now I can practically hear some in the reading audience saying, “You go guy!” And while our heart may be momentarily appeased, I’m not sure the head has been most effectively engaged.
Actually, in conflict situations, the most effective communication invariably blends both head and heart. For when the two aren’t working together, it’s easy to succumb to blaming “You” messages, for example, ”You didn’t give me the right instructions.”
Even if the partner didn’t provide the necessary information, our paralegal’s blaming “you” blast basically is imitating the attorney’s initial adversarial thrust. And too often, when only fighting fire with fire, both parties get burned. (And as the partner usually has the bigger flamethrower, it’s rarely a fair fight. It’s pretty predictable who winds up with the lasting scars.)
Self-Defeating “You”s
There are other problems when arguing with finger-pointing “You”s. (And, for the moment, I’m not referring to the proverbial finger.) Let me count the misguided ways:
1. Defensive Habit. A pattern of blaming messages means you are into “acc-you-sations.” It’s fair to ask: “Are you a becoming a “Blameaholic?” Not only are you attempting to put others on the defensive. But there’s another problematic dynamic. While believing you are standing up for yourself, many will see such overreaction as evidence of being too thin-skinned; you aren’t able to stand the firm’s high demand, high standards (at least for some) or pressure climate.
2. Power Transfusion. By solely blaming another for a problem or for compromised performance you are forsaking your “Authority, Autonomy and Accountability” – what I call the “Triple ‘A’ of Personal/Professional Responsibility.” In actuality, you are accepting that the other party has all the power to define your competency, your identity and the problem-solving dynamics of a situation. (Of course, when dealing with contemporary conflicts, unresolved, still painful psychological issues with parental or other significant authority figures heighten feeling hurt and your emotional defensiveness or reactivity.) Some people become defensive by too quickly seeing the provocative interaction as an issue of respect. I think the words of the universally admired first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, have much relevance: “No one can take away your self-respect without your active participation.”
3. Power Struggle. Unless you are dealing with a person who is submissive or passive or, conversely, a truly mature professional (who will respond, not lash out when verbally attacked), your blaming reaction likely fuels a mutual cycle of invective and incrimination. Now the drive becomes who is right, who will back down, or who’s in control. (I can’t help recall the words of French novelist, Andre Gide, from his book, The Immoralist: “One must allow others to be right…it consoles them for not being anything else!”)
And even if you momentarily get a non-assertive person to back down, don’t be surprised if that passivity eventually turns into a getting even “passive-aggressive” underhandedness: “Oh I’m sorry, I guess it is the third time this week that I forgot to give you that report.”
Assertive “I” Messages
So how do you replace blaming “You” messages with appropriately assertive “I” messages? First, let me highlight the importance of making this shift through a “two word” example. Say you are in a heated argument with a colleague, perhaps related to politics or whether the “e” in email often stands for “escaping” face-to-face communication. You’ve been making several thoughtful arguments but the other party is dismissive or just gives you a blank, “whatever” stare. Finally, in a state of frustration you blurt out, “You’re wrong” or, with greater poise, declare, “I disagree.” Those two words make quite a difference. The former basically tries to invalidate the other person, not just the argument. By definition, “I disagree” acknowledges the other person’s position, even if there is disagreement.
There are three dynamics infusing “I” messages with positive energy. Empathically assertive “I”s:
a) convey respect; it’s a more adult-to-adult as opposed to a one up vs. one down style of communicating and relating
b) openly state a position or a feeling, e.g., what I like or don’t appreciate, what I’m concerned about, what I fear, what I expect, etc. and
c) take responsibility for one’s actions or balance self-responsibility and situational factors
or consequences
With this conceptual and communicational foundation, how might our aforementioned paralegal handle that adversarial partner? Consider these “Tactfully Assertive Steps for Disarming a Critical Aggressor”:
1. Gut Check. To forestall a defensive (or offensive) reaction the proverbial wisdom has been to “count to ten.” For me that just delays the message. When feeling attacked you need to resist blurting out and do some quick reading of head and heart. What are your thoughts and, especially, what are you feeling? And especially, if starting with a “You,” such as, “You didn’t give me…” hit pause and process before engaging the play button. In other words, “Count to ten and check within!”
2. Take Some Responsibility, Show Some Empathy and Preserve Integrity. Acknowledging responsibility doesn’t mean accepting all of the blame. However, it does entail recognizing that a problem has arisen or an error has been made. For example, one might say, “This was my understanding of the instructions. Obviously, I wasn’t on your page.” While in some circumstances it might be acceptable to note, “I guess we weren’t on the same page,” with a frustrated authority I’d take the first approach. You don’t have to say, “I guess I screwed up,” but you may want to let the other party know you understand why he or she is upset, for example by overtly verbalizing some consequences of message sent not being message received. While not a guarantee, sometimes by taking the self-responsibility initiative, it frees up the other person to acknowledge his part in the problem. This is more likely to happen if you allow the other party to express some anger as you are acknowledging confusion or a mistake.
However, if the other person is not just expressing anger, but is being abusive, then you may have to say with conviction, “I’m sorry for whatever part I have played in this problem, but I will not accept such an attack.” If the party does not show some self-control, then inform your antagonist that you will call again in a defined period of time, when, hopefully, there can be a professional discussion. (Sometimes you may need a third party as a conflict mediator.) You also may have to report such an encounter to a firm authority, e,g, Paralegal Administrator, HR Director, etc. If the problem persists and management won’t address the firm bully, alas, you should be upgrading your resume. Of course it’s not fair…)
3. Ask a Humble Question. To soothe troubled egos, sometimes a “You” message when part of a question is just what the doctor ordered. If both parties are evincing a professional and respectful manner, you may want to simply ask, “How can I make this right?” or “What will help you feel we are back on track?” Not only are you showing some contrition, but also are willing to serve. Finally, asking someone’s opinion or asking for guidance says, “I don’t have all the answers” and “I value your experience, expertise, perspective, etc.” And as Ernest Becker, 20th century sociologist and philosopher noted, the strongest human desire is the desire to feel important.
Hopefully, an extended examination of this law firm encounter has created a better appreciation of the dangers in using reactive “you” messages and the productive potential when blending empathy and assertion as part of a responsive and responsible “I” message. Not only will these tools and techniques assist you in finding the pass in the communicational impasse, but such verbal and psychological fluency will also help you…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Now I can practically hear some in the reading audience saying, “You go guy!” And while our heart may be momentarily appeased, I’m not sure the head has been most effectively engaged.
Actually, in conflict situations, the most effective communication invariably blends both head and heart. For when the two aren’t working together, it’s easy to succumb to blaming “You” messages, for example, ”You didn’t give me the right instructions.”
Even if the partner didn’t provide the necessary information, our paralegal’s blaming “you” blast basically is imitating the attorney’s initial adversarial thrust. And too often, when only fighting fire with fire, both parties get burned. (And as the partner usually has the bigger flamethrower, it’s rarely a fair fight. It’s pretty predictable who winds up with the lasting scars.)
Self-Defeating “You”s
There are other problems when arguing with finger-pointing “You”s. (And, for the moment, I’m not referring to the proverbial finger.) Let me count the misguided ways:
1. Defensive Habit. A pattern of blaming messages means you are into “acc-you-sations.” It’s fair to ask: “Are you a becoming a “Blameaholic?” Not only are you attempting to put others on the defensive. But there’s another problematic dynamic. While believing you are standing up for yourself, many will see such overreaction as evidence of being too thin-skinned; you aren’t able to stand the firm’s high demand, high standards (at least for some) or pressure climate.
2. Power Transfusion. By solely blaming another for a problem or for compromised performance you are forsaking your “Authority, Autonomy and Accountability” – what I call the “Triple ‘A’ of Personal/Professional Responsibility.” In actuality, you are accepting that the other party has all the power to define your competency, your identity and the problem-solving dynamics of a situation. (Of course, when dealing with contemporary conflicts, unresolved, still painful psychological issues with parental or other significant authority figures heighten feeling hurt and your emotional defensiveness or reactivity.) Some people become defensive by too quickly seeing the provocative interaction as an issue of respect. I think the words of the universally admired first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, have much relevance: “No one can take away your self-respect without your active participation.”
3. Power Struggle. Unless you are dealing with a person who is submissive or passive or, conversely, a truly mature professional (who will respond, not lash out when verbally attacked), your blaming reaction likely fuels a mutual cycle of invective and incrimination. Now the drive becomes who is right, who will back down, or who’s in control. (I can’t help recall the words of French novelist, Andre Gide, from his book, The Immoralist: “One must allow others to be right…it consoles them for not being anything else!”)
And even if you momentarily get a non-assertive person to back down, don’t be surprised if that passivity eventually turns into a getting even “passive-aggressive” underhandedness: “Oh I’m sorry, I guess it is the third time this week that I forgot to give you that report.”
Assertive “I” Messages
So how do you replace blaming “You” messages with appropriately assertive “I” messages? First, let me highlight the importance of making this shift through a “two word” example. Say you are in a heated argument with a colleague, perhaps related to politics or whether the “e” in email often stands for “escaping” face-to-face communication. You’ve been making several thoughtful arguments but the other party is dismissive or just gives you a blank, “whatever” stare. Finally, in a state of frustration you blurt out, “You’re wrong” or, with greater poise, declare, “I disagree.” Those two words make quite a difference. The former basically tries to invalidate the other person, not just the argument. By definition, “I disagree” acknowledges the other person’s position, even if there is disagreement.
There are three dynamics infusing “I” messages with positive energy. Empathically assertive “I”s:
a) convey respect; it’s a more adult-to-adult as opposed to a one up vs. one down style of communicating and relating
b) openly state a position or a feeling, e.g., what I like or don’t appreciate, what I’m concerned about, what I fear, what I expect, etc. and
c) take responsibility for one’s actions or balance self-responsibility and situational factors
or consequences
With this conceptual and communicational foundation, how might our aforementioned paralegal handle that adversarial partner? Consider these “Tactfully Assertive Steps for Disarming a Critical Aggressor”:
1. Gut Check. To forestall a defensive (or offensive) reaction the proverbial wisdom has been to “count to ten.” For me that just delays the message. When feeling attacked you need to resist blurting out and do some quick reading of head and heart. What are your thoughts and, especially, what are you feeling? And especially, if starting with a “You,” such as, “You didn’t give me…” hit pause and process before engaging the play button. In other words, “Count to ten and check within!”
2. Take Some Responsibility, Show Some Empathy and Preserve Integrity. Acknowledging responsibility doesn’t mean accepting all of the blame. However, it does entail recognizing that a problem has arisen or an error has been made. For example, one might say, “This was my understanding of the instructions. Obviously, I wasn’t on your page.” While in some circumstances it might be acceptable to note, “I guess we weren’t on the same page,” with a frustrated authority I’d take the first approach. You don’t have to say, “I guess I screwed up,” but you may want to let the other party know you understand why he or she is upset, for example by overtly verbalizing some consequences of message sent not being message received. While not a guarantee, sometimes by taking the self-responsibility initiative, it frees up the other person to acknowledge his part in the problem. This is more likely to happen if you allow the other party to express some anger as you are acknowledging confusion or a mistake.
However, if the other person is not just expressing anger, but is being abusive, then you may have to say with conviction, “I’m sorry for whatever part I have played in this problem, but I will not accept such an attack.” If the party does not show some self-control, then inform your antagonist that you will call again in a defined period of time, when, hopefully, there can be a professional discussion. (Sometimes you may need a third party as a conflict mediator.) You also may have to report such an encounter to a firm authority, e,g, Paralegal Administrator, HR Director, etc. If the problem persists and management won’t address the firm bully, alas, you should be upgrading your resume. Of course it’s not fair…)
3. Ask a Humble Question. To soothe troubled egos, sometimes a “You” message when part of a question is just what the doctor ordered. If both parties are evincing a professional and respectful manner, you may want to simply ask, “How can I make this right?” or “What will help you feel we are back on track?” Not only are you showing some contrition, but also are willing to serve. Finally, asking someone’s opinion or asking for guidance says, “I don’t have all the answers” and “I value your experience, expertise, perspective, etc.” And as Ernest Becker, 20th century sociologist and philosopher noted, the strongest human desire is the desire to feel important.
Hopefully, an extended examination of this law firm encounter has created a better appreciation of the dangers in using reactive “you” messages and the productive potential when blending empathy and assertion as part of a responsive and responsible “I” message. Not only will these tools and techniques assist you in finding the pass in the communicational impasse, but such verbal and psychological fluency will also help you…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The Science and Art of Active Listening: The Stress Doc's CPRS Method
There are several ways to enhance listening effectiveness, especially when engaged in a complex or emotional exchange. A fundamental technique is "Active Listening." Here's an acronym to help transform less than attentive or self-centered listening into clear, concise and compassionate communication. Are you ready to revive a give and take relationship; are you ready to be an assertive and empathic communicator; are you ready to practice CPR and S?
Key CPRS Components of "Active Listening":
C. Clarification and (Be) Concise
a. Clarification. Clarification involves asking the other party to provide more information, to elaborate upon a statement or answer specific questions. A clarification attempt is not an inquisitorial, "WHY did you do that?" It's more a recognition that something is not clear; perhaps the listener has some confusion and desires more information, again, for better understanding. And clarification should not be the springboard to a harsh or blaming "You"-message and/or a dismissive judgment, e.g., "You're wrong" or "You don't really believe that, do you!" A much better response is, "I disagree," "I see it differently" or "My data says otherwise."
Asking questions that gives the other party a chance to speak his or her mind (and if desired, to also speak from the heart) defines another “c”-word – concern. Yet showing empathy doesn't mean there isn't room for difference. As I like to say, "Acknowledgement does not necessarily mean Agreement." That is, a communicator can both listen attentively and respectfully and after taking in the message share his or her differing and even “troubled-with-what-I’m-hearing” perspective.
b. (Be) Concise. I believe over-talking or rambling on, especially when the communicator is basically conveying the same message over and over, is a dis-ease of epidemic proportions. Perhaps I’m hypersensitive: as a professional speaker I know the importance of keeping messages clear, brief and to the point. Occasionally, I repeat a phrase purposefully for emphasis. I immediately see two parts to this communicational excess: 1) the egotist who believes he is enlightening the world with his never-ending pearls and 2) an insecure communicator faced with the absence of immediate acknowledgement from his or her audience keeps trying to get the original message across (and likely audience approval), sometimes through repetition, sometimes through telling another story. My suggestion: in the latter scenario, stop trying so hard; better to find the pass in the impasse by asking, “Am I being clear?” And don’t put the burden on the other with, “Do you understand?” (Of course, a mature message receiver knows to provide some kind of responsive – verbal or nonverbal – feedback.)
P. Paraphrase and Pause
a. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing involves repeating the other's message in the person's words or in your own distillation, to affirm, "Message sent is message received." Sometimes, especially if a sender has conveyed a significant amount of information or complex instructions, it's wise to say, "I know I just said a lot. Would you paraphrase back what you heard?" Again, the motive is not to catch the other but to have both parties on the same page.
b. Pause. In a "T n T" (Time- and Task-driven) world, communicators often feel they have to cram in the info as time is limited. Providing people with a lengthy, seemingly endless laundry list almost assures that key issues and ideas will be lost in the verbiage. Learning to pause, to segment or chunk your message helps the receiver catch the gist without fumbling the ideas, intentions or implications. (The communicational analogy might be writing concisely, using short and to the point paragraphs.) Momentary breaks from the back and forth also allow the parties to ponder and posit new possibilities. Now active listening may morph into creative listening.
R. Reaction vs. Response and Reflect Feelings
a. Reaction vs. Response. Reactive listening usually occurs when you feel threatened or angry and then immediately engage in a counterargument (covert or verbalized). Unbiased or flexible listening has ended. Upon sensing an opening, for example, perceived inconsistency or irrationality in the message, you reject or talk over the message and basically dismiss the messenger. Or, some end a contentious listening process with a quick and reactive retreat: "You've hurt me" or "You made me upset" and the receiver vacates the communicational field and avoids an honest exchange. (Clearly, if one party is being abusive, and it does not feel safe to voice your position, then retreating is a wise strategy.) In contrast, a response often blends both head and heart and involves the use of an "I" message: "I'm concerned about what I'm hearing" or "I sense there's a problem. Is my assessment on target?" An “I”-message response is the opposite of a wildly emotional or knee-“jerk” reaction; it takes personal responsibility for both receiving and giving feedback. Shifting from blaming "You" messages to assertive and empathic "I"s transforms a defensive reaction into a reasoned response. So "count to ten and check within."
b. Reflect Feelings (Tentatively)/Reveal Feelings (Appropriately). To reflect someone's feelings means to lightly or kindly ask about or to acknowledge overt or underlying feelings that are attached to the other party's communication. A tentative or tactful approach is often best: "I know you are on board, still it sounds like you may have some frustration with the decision. Care to discuss it?" Sometimes you may not know what the other is feeling. Instead of trying to guess or saying, "Gee you must be angry," if you want to comment, better to say, "When I've been in a similar situation, I found myself becoming…" (Be careful; don't suddenly shift the focus and make yourself the center of the conversation.) And then pause; give the other person time to respond or not. Also, especially regarding the emotional component of messages, both listening and looking for verbal and nonverbal cues – voice tone and volume, facial and other bodily gestures, for example, lowered head and eyes or arms crossed over the chest – will facilitate more accurate reflection or discretion.
S. Strategize and Summarize
a. Strategize. Strategic listening takes active listening to a next level. The goal is more than awareness and empathy. Now you want to invite the other to engage in a mutual, problem-solving dance. Common and disparate, structured and spontaneous ideas and emotions as well as goals and objectives are freely shared, akin to a brainstorming. Though in this strategic interplay give and take questioning for understanding and for triggering imaginative possibilities is encouraged. The purpose of such strategic back and forth is "synergy" – a sharing-listening-sharing dialogic loop yielding an expanded understanding: the consciousness whole is greater than the sum of the communicational parts.
b. Summarize. Finally, you are ready to review and pull together such problem-solving elements as mutual agreements, outstanding differences -- factual as well as emotional -- broad strategies and action plans to be executed (including the parties responsible for implementation), time frames, ongoing monitoring or interim report back and follow-up procedures. And depending on the communicational context, a written summary is often advisable.In the spirit of walking the talk, here's a succinct summary of the "Keys to Active or CPRS Listening":
Clarification – clear up confusion and foster greater understanding without passing premature judgment
(Be) Concise – keep messages clear, brief and to the point; beware egotistical or insecure rambling
Paraphrase – two-way repeating or distilling of the message so that "message sent is message received"
Pause – take time to chunk your message, allowing the other to get the gist and ponder possibilities
Reaction vs. Response – "count to ten, check within" to respond with assertive "I"s not blaming "You"s
Reflect/Reveal Feelings – tactful questioning or sharing acknowledges self/other and invites exchange
Strategize – generate mutual listening-sharing loop for both idea generation and insightful imagination
Summarize – review and record agreements, unresolved differences and future problem-solving steps.
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant, and is America Online's "Online Psychohumorist"™. Speaking clients include Cleveland Clinic, MITRE Corporation, Sonoma County, CA, Govt. Managers Conference, and the Montana Public Health Service. Currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
---------------------
Federal Asian Pacific American Council (FAPAC)
2009 Annual Conference
[1.5 hour A leader's Greatest Gift -- TLCs: Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration for 100+ attendees]
May 18, 2009
Good afternoon,
Greetings from Seoul, Korea. Yes, I really enjoyed your TLC workshop. I would like to participate in any available and/or future workshops. Do you have any site/locations and POC for Seoul, Korea? I am working at the US Embassy in Seoul and I know others can benefit from the “TLC Program.” Thank you and look forward to hearing from you.
Young Mroczkowski
Legal Attache Office – FBIUS Embassy,
Seoul, Korea
MroczkowskiY@state.gov
-------------------
NOAA/National Weather Service
[1.5 hour "Creatively Managing Stress and Conflict through Interactive Humor" Program for 120 Diversity Managers, Counselors and Team Reps]
U.S. Dept of CommerceNational Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, MD 20910-3283
May 8, 2009
Dear Mark:
On behalf of the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management, I want to thank you once again for your participation at the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management Training Summit in Atlanta. GA on April 28, 2009. The Summit was a success. The presentation you provided was well-received. It lifted their spirits and gave them an opportunity to laugh and learn how to release any tension they may have been feeling. Your training style is very engaging. On behalf of the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management, thank you.
Sincerely,
Charly Wells, Director
NWS Office of Equal Opportunity & Diversity Management
Charly.Wells@noaa.gov
-------------------
Key CPRS Components of "Active Listening":
C. Clarification and (Be) Concise
a. Clarification. Clarification involves asking the other party to provide more information, to elaborate upon a statement or answer specific questions. A clarification attempt is not an inquisitorial, "WHY did you do that?" It's more a recognition that something is not clear; perhaps the listener has some confusion and desires more information, again, for better understanding. And clarification should not be the springboard to a harsh or blaming "You"-message and/or a dismissive judgment, e.g., "You're wrong" or "You don't really believe that, do you!" A much better response is, "I disagree," "I see it differently" or "My data says otherwise."
Asking questions that gives the other party a chance to speak his or her mind (and if desired, to also speak from the heart) defines another “c”-word – concern. Yet showing empathy doesn't mean there isn't room for difference. As I like to say, "Acknowledgement does not necessarily mean Agreement." That is, a communicator can both listen attentively and respectfully and after taking in the message share his or her differing and even “troubled-with-what-I’m-hearing” perspective.
b. (Be) Concise. I believe over-talking or rambling on, especially when the communicator is basically conveying the same message over and over, is a dis-ease of epidemic proportions. Perhaps I’m hypersensitive: as a professional speaker I know the importance of keeping messages clear, brief and to the point. Occasionally, I repeat a phrase purposefully for emphasis. I immediately see two parts to this communicational excess: 1) the egotist who believes he is enlightening the world with his never-ending pearls and 2) an insecure communicator faced with the absence of immediate acknowledgement from his or her audience keeps trying to get the original message across (and likely audience approval), sometimes through repetition, sometimes through telling another story. My suggestion: in the latter scenario, stop trying so hard; better to find the pass in the impasse by asking, “Am I being clear?” And don’t put the burden on the other with, “Do you understand?” (Of course, a mature message receiver knows to provide some kind of responsive – verbal or nonverbal – feedback.)
P. Paraphrase and Pause
a. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing involves repeating the other's message in the person's words or in your own distillation, to affirm, "Message sent is message received." Sometimes, especially if a sender has conveyed a significant amount of information or complex instructions, it's wise to say, "I know I just said a lot. Would you paraphrase back what you heard?" Again, the motive is not to catch the other but to have both parties on the same page.
b. Pause. In a "T n T" (Time- and Task-driven) world, communicators often feel they have to cram in the info as time is limited. Providing people with a lengthy, seemingly endless laundry list almost assures that key issues and ideas will be lost in the verbiage. Learning to pause, to segment or chunk your message helps the receiver catch the gist without fumbling the ideas, intentions or implications. (The communicational analogy might be writing concisely, using short and to the point paragraphs.) Momentary breaks from the back and forth also allow the parties to ponder and posit new possibilities. Now active listening may morph into creative listening.
R. Reaction vs. Response and Reflect Feelings
a. Reaction vs. Response. Reactive listening usually occurs when you feel threatened or angry and then immediately engage in a counterargument (covert or verbalized). Unbiased or flexible listening has ended. Upon sensing an opening, for example, perceived inconsistency or irrationality in the message, you reject or talk over the message and basically dismiss the messenger. Or, some end a contentious listening process with a quick and reactive retreat: "You've hurt me" or "You made me upset" and the receiver vacates the communicational field and avoids an honest exchange. (Clearly, if one party is being abusive, and it does not feel safe to voice your position, then retreating is a wise strategy.) In contrast, a response often blends both head and heart and involves the use of an "I" message: "I'm concerned about what I'm hearing" or "I sense there's a problem. Is my assessment on target?" An “I”-message response is the opposite of a wildly emotional or knee-“jerk” reaction; it takes personal responsibility for both receiving and giving feedback. Shifting from blaming "You" messages to assertive and empathic "I"s transforms a defensive reaction into a reasoned response. So "count to ten and check within."
b. Reflect Feelings (Tentatively)/Reveal Feelings (Appropriately). To reflect someone's feelings means to lightly or kindly ask about or to acknowledge overt or underlying feelings that are attached to the other party's communication. A tentative or tactful approach is often best: "I know you are on board, still it sounds like you may have some frustration with the decision. Care to discuss it?" Sometimes you may not know what the other is feeling. Instead of trying to guess or saying, "Gee you must be angry," if you want to comment, better to say, "When I've been in a similar situation, I found myself becoming…" (Be careful; don't suddenly shift the focus and make yourself the center of the conversation.) And then pause; give the other person time to respond or not. Also, especially regarding the emotional component of messages, both listening and looking for verbal and nonverbal cues – voice tone and volume, facial and other bodily gestures, for example, lowered head and eyes or arms crossed over the chest – will facilitate more accurate reflection or discretion.
S. Strategize and Summarize
a. Strategize. Strategic listening takes active listening to a next level. The goal is more than awareness and empathy. Now you want to invite the other to engage in a mutual, problem-solving dance. Common and disparate, structured and spontaneous ideas and emotions as well as goals and objectives are freely shared, akin to a brainstorming. Though in this strategic interplay give and take questioning for understanding and for triggering imaginative possibilities is encouraged. The purpose of such strategic back and forth is "synergy" – a sharing-listening-sharing dialogic loop yielding an expanded understanding: the consciousness whole is greater than the sum of the communicational parts.
b. Summarize. Finally, you are ready to review and pull together such problem-solving elements as mutual agreements, outstanding differences -- factual as well as emotional -- broad strategies and action plans to be executed (including the parties responsible for implementation), time frames, ongoing monitoring or interim report back and follow-up procedures. And depending on the communicational context, a written summary is often advisable.In the spirit of walking the talk, here's a succinct summary of the "Keys to Active or CPRS Listening":
Clarification – clear up confusion and foster greater understanding without passing premature judgment
(Be) Concise – keep messages clear, brief and to the point; beware egotistical or insecure rambling
Paraphrase – two-way repeating or distilling of the message so that "message sent is message received"
Pause – take time to chunk your message, allowing the other to get the gist and ponder possibilities
Reaction vs. Response – "count to ten, check within" to respond with assertive "I"s not blaming "You"s
Reflect/Reveal Feelings – tactful questioning or sharing acknowledges self/other and invites exchange
Strategize – generate mutual listening-sharing loop for both idea generation and insightful imagination
Summarize – review and record agreements, unresolved differences and future problem-solving steps.
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant, and is America Online's "Online Psychohumorist"™. Speaking clients include Cleveland Clinic, MITRE Corporation, Sonoma County, CA, Govt. Managers Conference, and the Montana Public Health Service. Currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
---------------------
Federal Asian Pacific American Council (FAPAC)
2009 Annual Conference
[1.5 hour A leader's Greatest Gift -- TLCs: Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration for 100+ attendees]
May 18, 2009
Good afternoon,
Greetings from Seoul, Korea. Yes, I really enjoyed your TLC workshop. I would like to participate in any available and/or future workshops. Do you have any site/locations and POC for Seoul, Korea? I am working at the US Embassy in Seoul and I know others can benefit from the “TLC Program.” Thank you and look forward to hearing from you.
Young Mroczkowski
Legal Attache Office – FBIUS Embassy,
Seoul, Korea
MroczkowskiY@state.gov
-------------------
NOAA/National Weather Service
[1.5 hour "Creatively Managing Stress and Conflict through Interactive Humor" Program for 120 Diversity Managers, Counselors and Team Reps]
U.S. Dept of CommerceNational Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, MD 20910-3283
May 8, 2009
Dear Mark:
On behalf of the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management, I want to thank you once again for your participation at the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management Training Summit in Atlanta. GA on April 28, 2009. The Summit was a success. The presentation you provided was well-received. It lifted their spirits and gave them an opportunity to laugh and learn how to release any tension they may have been feeling. Your training style is very engaging. On behalf of the National Weather Service's Equal Opportunity and Diversity Management, thank you.
Sincerely,
Charly Wells, Director
NWS Office of Equal Opportunity & Diversity Management
Charly.Wells@noaa.gov
-------------------
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Welcome and Four "R"s of a PROductive Relationship
Hi,
Well, I'm entering the 21st cyber century, if not kicking and screaming...certainly, belatedly blogging. Actually, I must give credit to Brenda Pianezza, HR.com, Website Development and Content Manager, bpianezza@hr.com. She wants to posts my writings on their site. More specifically, Brenda said the magic words: "Adding a new blog (is) easier for you as you don’t need to manually copy and paste your initial blog onto our site. We’ll automatically pick it up in a feed and display it using our site wrapper." [HR.com, http://www.hr.com/ , is the largest global social network connecting HR Executives with the knowledge, advice, expertise and resources they need to Manage the people side of their business. Through community, user-contributed content, shared best practices, tips and online knowledge sharing, 188,000 HR Executives actively engage in their community that focuses on providing solutions and answers to today's toughest HR challenges.]
Here's how you follow the blog and catch up on my steadily developing archive. Consider stopping by as a "friend." Here is the link and URL:
Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™ or http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/
Also, please let other's know of Stress Doc Blog: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist™.
Mark
-----------------
The Stress Doc presents a four step, “Four 'R'” communicational guide for building successful “give and take” professional relationships. The Four “R”s are dramatically illustrated in his recent encounter with an ENT surgeon.
The Four “R”s for a PROductive Relationship:
Be Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive
Many of us “Boomers” grew up with an alliterative academic mantra as educational foundation, that is, the Four “R”s – Reading, Writing, Rithmetic and Religion. Let’s just say I focused more on the first two “R”s and sort of made a nominal wave at the latter. (For example, I am a self-professed Jewish Atheist; of course, my biggest fear is being accused of redundancy.) However, I continue to make up for slighting this upstanding letter. For example, I prominently share a burnout scenario caution flag in many of my Practice Safe Stress programs. It’s called “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go,” that is, you can’t step back and seek a new perspective…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair. (And especially when overcommitted, I also extol this Stress Doc truism: Do know your limits and don’t limit your “No”s.)
Recently, I have designed a new Four “R” mantra. It’s called the Four “R”s for a PROductive – Professional, Reciprocal and Ongoing – Relationship. Let’s first examine the PRO acronym. By “Professional” I mean there are certain standards and expectations for behavior on the part of both parties. “Reciprocal” means that despite different levels of expertise or authority there is meaningful give and take; one party is not perceived to be inherently or psychologically subordinate to the other, despite differences, for example, in age, rank or professional standing. Each person has the freedom and choice to speak their minds and speak from the heart (though, naturally, it may be harder for the “junior” partner). And “Ongoing” speaks for itself: this is not a one-time encounter; the relationship has mutual significance as well as a past, present and future.
Now to those “R’s. Especially in work-related arenas, to engage others PROductively in our increasingly complex, diverse and wired world, it is necessary to navigate and negotiate emotionally charged, “T ‘n T” – Time- and Task-Driven – organizational settings and interpersonal situations. Effective engagement requires blending both “high task” (performance focus) and “high touch” (people focus). A good communicator is able to connect with his or her own needs and emotions, goals and hopes. This individual is not afraid to share personal flaws and foibles and then use such connective-collective, head and heart understanding for building a relationship bridge with the other – whether ally or antagonist.
And a PRO communicator knows the value of injecting some humor. For example, Daniel Goleman, in his ground-breaking work on Emotional Intelligence, found that the best managers used humor three times more often than their less successful counterparts. As I like to say: “People are more open to a serious message when it is gift-wrapped with humor.” So let’s see if I can walk my talk with an en-light-ening argument for PROductive engagement requiring a “Four ‘R’ Foundation”: Being Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive.
The Four “R”s for a PROductive Relationship
Using the online ARDictionary, let’s examine the Four “R”s:
1. Respectful. PROductive relating starts with a capacity to truly “take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence to care for.” This conception goes beyond formality and even civility. The process of relationship building requires mutual interest and investment: in the context of being a PRO, respect means a willingness to take the time and energy to understand (or at least care about) the other’s lived experience and world view. And, certainly, one can respectfully disagree. (Of course, in the face of an all-knowing, egomaniacal, “You don’t seem to realize, I really am as important as I think I am” stress carrier, it can be a challenge remaining respectful. At these times I try to quietly recall the words of French novelist, Andre Gide: “One must allow others to be right, it consoles them for not being anything else.”) Perhaps it’s time to move to the second “R.”
2. Real. A relationship that is real is “true; genuine; not artificial, counterfeit, or facetious”; it also connotes “having substance or capable of being treated as fact,” e.g., the “real reason.” However, your position on an issue doesn’t necessarily have to stand up in a court of law to be real. Sometimes it’s a willingness to initially speak from the gut or heart, but then be committed to verify when possible or to separate fantasy from reality when desirable. For me, one defining quality of “being or keeping it real” is a willingness to express a belief or take a position that may challenge, disappoint or even anger the other person(s). Now the position taken isn’t simply defiance for defiance sake. (Though I’m a big believer of irony whereby you say one thing but obviously mean the opposite to skewer a position or person that deserves some ego-deflation, or at least needs some help in getting real. For example, the notion of FOX News being “Fair and Balanced” seems to me a wonderful example of unintended irony.) And unless you are in a relationship of great power disparity, and potential for abuse, preserving your sense of self through passive-aggressive resistance does not meet this standard of being “real.” (Civil disobedience, of course, does meet this standard.)
When PROductively “real” you are sharing something that reflects a core belief or value and/or are challenging a position that you believe threatens to undermine a climate of respect and authenticity. Ultimately, you are both affirming your own integrity and the honesty of the relationship, whether this involves one other person or the authenticity of a larger group dynamic. Trumping loyalty with reality, you refuse to be trapped in an asymmetrical “Loyalty Loop”: Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer. Clearly, a “real” relationship is “not to be taken (or given) lightly.”
3. Responsible. As a PRO, being “responsible” means “likely to be called upon to answer; to be answerable.” It involves “a degree of accountability on the part of the person concerned.” You are seen to have impact upon if not be in charge of a person or situation as an “agent or cause.” You are “worthy of or requiring responsibility or trust.” Clearly there is a connection between being responsible and being professional and conscientious, especially regarding one’s exercise of decision-making powers.
Conversely, one common example of not being responsible is when a person simply blames another for a problem or for his or her compromised performance. To do this means forsaking your “Authority, Autonomy and Accountability” – what I call the “Triple ‘A’ of Personal/Professional Responsibility.” Ideally, people should be encouraged to reasonably and ethically exercise their “Authority” and be given sufficient “Autonomy” to do so. At the same time, PRO relating is synonymous with being held “Accountable” by some monitoring process for one’s decisions and actions.
In a PROductive relationship, not taking responsibility too frequently means you are accepting that another party has the power to define your competency, your identity and the problem-solving dynamics of a situation. And from such a vulnerable if not victim-like position, not surprisingly some people become defensive, too quickly seeing provocative or even mere problematic interaction as an issue of respect. I think the words of the universally admired first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, have much relevance: “No one can take away your self-respect without your active participation.” So don’t be responsible for an unhealthy power transfusion.
4. Responsive. The foundational word for responsive is “sensitive” – “being susceptible to the attitudes, feelings or circumstances of others.” For me, responsive is the counterpoint to being reactive – where sensitivity has less to do with feeling with and for the other and more to do with defending an insecure or injured self. My conception of responsive equates with a strong capacity for empathy, an ability to walk in another’s shoes, and especially a capacity for feeling those bunions. In contrast, reaction is frequently an overemotional state. And when someone is chronically reactive (think fight or flight on steroids) he or she perceives events as darkly threatening. Often other people are held in suspicion and are to be quickly attacked or avoided. Reaction has a primal if not primitive quality; responsive is a complex and compassionate blend of head and heart. When responsive you are processing both text and context, seeing both the individual trees and the bigger forest.
At the same time we must go beyond a psychological perspective. Being responsive means you are “ready or inclined to respond…to people or events; you show effort in return to a force.” You are willing to consider and act upon “suggestions and influences.” Yet, the most effective response mechanism does not necessarily involve strategic assertion or a dramatic display of knowledge or authority. Sometimes being responsive means knowing when and how to ask the right question, or when to be silent and simply touch the other’s shoulder.
Case Example
Let me share a recent exchange that captures the Four “R”s of PROductive relating. I was in the office of an ENT doctor. Recently, a tissue growth was discovered inside my ear. It does not appear to be cancerous (a biopsy was performed). However, the condition is potentially serious as it could compromise the inner ear bone structure. So some kind of surgery is needed. And, there’s a constant ringing in the ear and decided hearing loss in the problem ear. Whether any of the loss is reversible remains to be determined. (Still, I did manage to come up with one good line. Upon hearing about my tinnitus (ear ringing), a friend, trying to be helpful, suggested that I might want to get a white noise machine. My immediate reply: “I am the walking white noise machine!”)
Just before reviewing my CAT Scan the doctor shared some good news. The growth is outside the eardrum, making the surgery less dicey though, at this point, there's still potential for some diminished hearing or ringing aftereffects. I still had some questions, and proceeded to raise them. Perhaps I interrupted him as he was about to view my CAT Scan, for suddenly the doctor raised his hand and said, I was “coming across with too much intensity.” I was taken aback by his confrontation. To myself I wondered, “Where’s the boundary between being direct and being intense?” Clearly, I don’t want to antagonize my doctor. Keeping my cool, I finally said, “Perhaps the uncertainty this past month (we couldn’t schedule an earlier appointment) has something to do with my intensity.” I was acknowledging my behavior without apologizing directly. (Being Respectful to other and self; being Real and taking some Responsibility.) The acknowledgement seemed to free up the doctor to respond in kind: “I’m pretty intense myself. Perhaps your intensity helped bring out my intensity.” (Being Real, taking some Responsibility and being Responsive.)
We had no trouble communicating the rest of the appointment. The doctor wanted me to get a second opinion with a more experienced colleague. Before leaving, I told the doctor that I valued our previous “open” exchange. He then said, “I’m here as your partner and advocate.” (And he even responded within twenty-four hours to a susequent email.) We both ended up being PROs. (Being mutually Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive.)
Closing
Hopefully, with the concepts and case example you now have a Four “R” template for building Professional, Reciprocal and Ongoing relations. Be Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive both personally and with others and you will be a PROductive communicator. And you’ll also be on a four step path for helping one and all…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
----------------------
Recent Testimonials:
Mental Retardation Services/Fairfax-Falls Church Community Services Board
[1.5 hour “Practice Safe Stress: Creatively Engaging Transition-Transformation and Building Team Cooperation through Humor" for sixty attendees]
From: Friedman, Joel
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 1:30 PM
To: Emerson, Barbara; Stocks, Judith R.Cc: Wooten, Alan D.
Subject: RE: A Speaker Referral
Barbara: Thanks for referring Mark Gorkin to us. He presented, “Practice Safe Stress: Creatively Engaging Transition-Transformation and Building Team Cooperation through Humor,” to Intellectual Disability Services staff yesterday as part of a larger program. Everyone enjoyed the topic content and Mark's delivery "style." He was very easy to work with leading up to and during the presentation. I think he's a keeper.
Joel
Joel M. Friedman
Coordinator of Strategic Planning
Mental Retardation Services
Fairfax-Falls Church Community Services Board
(703)324-4433 (Direct)
(703)324-4400 (Main)
joel.friedman@fairfaxcounty.gov
----------
Mark,Thanks again for your time and talents! Very on target and well received.
Alan
Alan Wooten
Director, Mental Retardation Services
Fairfax-Falls Church Community Services Board
Alan.Wooten@fairfaxcounty.gov
--------
Mark: It was great having you with us yesterday. There were many positive comments and I believe everyone enjoyed your "style" of presentation. Hopefully, you can share your knowledge and insights with us again. Thank you.
Joel
-------------------
National Institutes of Health Acquisitions Management Conference
[1.5 hour “Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront” program for 200 attendees]
May 26, 2009
Dear Mark,
I want to take this opportunity to thank you for your participation as a plenary speaker at the 2008 NIH AMC Symposium. Your presentation entitled “Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront” was widely attended as it appears there is a great need for de-stressing within the acquisition community of NIH. The presentation was interactive and energetic and it kept the audience engaged at all times. It was easy to see through the active participation of the audience that many people feel stress in their work environment and are seeking ways to relieve that stress. Your timely advice and strategies for relieving stress were greatly appreciated by all. I highly recommend this training for supervisors and employees combined to ensure the best return on their time. I hope that we have an opportunity to work together in the future. Thank you for all your efforts in making the 2008 NIH AMC Symposium a success!
Donna Perry-Lalley, M.S.Co-Chair 2008 NIH AMC Symposium
Contracting Officer RepresentativeOffice of Acquisitions
National Cancer InstituteNational Institutes of Health
perryd@mail.nih.gov
Disclaimer -- These statements represent the opinions of the writer and/or participants in an NIH sponsored symposium and are not to be misconstrued as an endorsement of the StressDoc by the NIH or any other Government agency.
---------------
Well, I'm entering the 21st cyber century, if not kicking and screaming...certainly, belatedly blogging. Actually, I must give credit to Brenda Pianezza, HR.com, Website Development and Content Manager, bpianezza@hr.com. She wants to posts my writings on their site. More specifically, Brenda said the magic words: "Adding a new blog (is) easier for you as you don’t need to manually copy and paste your initial blog onto our site. We’ll automatically pick it up in a feed and display it using our site wrapper." [HR.com, http://www.hr.com/ , is the largest global social network connecting HR Executives with the knowledge, advice, expertise and resources they need to Manage the people side of their business. Through community, user-contributed content, shared best practices, tips and online knowledge sharing, 188,000 HR Executives actively engage in their community that focuses on providing solutions and answers to today's toughest HR challenges.]
Here's how you follow the blog and catch up on my steadily developing archive. Consider stopping by as a "friend." Here is the link and URL:
Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™ or http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/
Also, please let other's know of Stress Doc Blog: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist™.
Mark
-----------------
The Stress Doc presents a four step, “Four 'R'” communicational guide for building successful “give and take” professional relationships. The Four “R”s are dramatically illustrated in his recent encounter with an ENT surgeon.
The Four “R”s for a PROductive Relationship:
Be Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive
Many of us “Boomers” grew up with an alliterative academic mantra as educational foundation, that is, the Four “R”s – Reading, Writing, Rithmetic and Religion. Let’s just say I focused more on the first two “R”s and sort of made a nominal wave at the latter. (For example, I am a self-professed Jewish Atheist; of course, my biggest fear is being accused of redundancy.) However, I continue to make up for slighting this upstanding letter. For example, I prominently share a burnout scenario caution flag in many of my Practice Safe Stress programs. It’s called “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go,” that is, you can’t step back and seek a new perspective…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair. (And especially when overcommitted, I also extol this Stress Doc truism: Do know your limits and don’t limit your “No”s.)
Recently, I have designed a new Four “R” mantra. It’s called the Four “R”s for a PROductive – Professional, Reciprocal and Ongoing – Relationship. Let’s first examine the PRO acronym. By “Professional” I mean there are certain standards and expectations for behavior on the part of both parties. “Reciprocal” means that despite different levels of expertise or authority there is meaningful give and take; one party is not perceived to be inherently or psychologically subordinate to the other, despite differences, for example, in age, rank or professional standing. Each person has the freedom and choice to speak their minds and speak from the heart (though, naturally, it may be harder for the “junior” partner). And “Ongoing” speaks for itself: this is not a one-time encounter; the relationship has mutual significance as well as a past, present and future.
Now to those “R’s. Especially in work-related arenas, to engage others PROductively in our increasingly complex, diverse and wired world, it is necessary to navigate and negotiate emotionally charged, “T ‘n T” – Time- and Task-Driven – organizational settings and interpersonal situations. Effective engagement requires blending both “high task” (performance focus) and “high touch” (people focus). A good communicator is able to connect with his or her own needs and emotions, goals and hopes. This individual is not afraid to share personal flaws and foibles and then use such connective-collective, head and heart understanding for building a relationship bridge with the other – whether ally or antagonist.
And a PRO communicator knows the value of injecting some humor. For example, Daniel Goleman, in his ground-breaking work on Emotional Intelligence, found that the best managers used humor three times more often than their less successful counterparts. As I like to say: “People are more open to a serious message when it is gift-wrapped with humor.” So let’s see if I can walk my talk with an en-light-ening argument for PROductive engagement requiring a “Four ‘R’ Foundation”: Being Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive.
The Four “R”s for a PROductive Relationship
Using the online ARDictionary, let’s examine the Four “R”s:
1. Respectful. PROductive relating starts with a capacity to truly “take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence to care for.” This conception goes beyond formality and even civility. The process of relationship building requires mutual interest and investment: in the context of being a PRO, respect means a willingness to take the time and energy to understand (or at least care about) the other’s lived experience and world view. And, certainly, one can respectfully disagree. (Of course, in the face of an all-knowing, egomaniacal, “You don’t seem to realize, I really am as important as I think I am” stress carrier, it can be a challenge remaining respectful. At these times I try to quietly recall the words of French novelist, Andre Gide: “One must allow others to be right, it consoles them for not being anything else.”) Perhaps it’s time to move to the second “R.”
2. Real. A relationship that is real is “true; genuine; not artificial, counterfeit, or facetious”; it also connotes “having substance or capable of being treated as fact,” e.g., the “real reason.” However, your position on an issue doesn’t necessarily have to stand up in a court of law to be real. Sometimes it’s a willingness to initially speak from the gut or heart, but then be committed to verify when possible or to separate fantasy from reality when desirable. For me, one defining quality of “being or keeping it real” is a willingness to express a belief or take a position that may challenge, disappoint or even anger the other person(s). Now the position taken isn’t simply defiance for defiance sake. (Though I’m a big believer of irony whereby you say one thing but obviously mean the opposite to skewer a position or person that deserves some ego-deflation, or at least needs some help in getting real. For example, the notion of FOX News being “Fair and Balanced” seems to me a wonderful example of unintended irony.) And unless you are in a relationship of great power disparity, and potential for abuse, preserving your sense of self through passive-aggressive resistance does not meet this standard of being “real.” (Civil disobedience, of course, does meet this standard.)
When PROductively “real” you are sharing something that reflects a core belief or value and/or are challenging a position that you believe threatens to undermine a climate of respect and authenticity. Ultimately, you are both affirming your own integrity and the honesty of the relationship, whether this involves one other person or the authenticity of a larger group dynamic. Trumping loyalty with reality, you refuse to be trapped in an asymmetrical “Loyalty Loop”: Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer. Clearly, a “real” relationship is “not to be taken (or given) lightly.”
3. Responsible. As a PRO, being “responsible” means “likely to be called upon to answer; to be answerable.” It involves “a degree of accountability on the part of the person concerned.” You are seen to have impact upon if not be in charge of a person or situation as an “agent or cause.” You are “worthy of or requiring responsibility or trust.” Clearly there is a connection between being responsible and being professional and conscientious, especially regarding one’s exercise of decision-making powers.
Conversely, one common example of not being responsible is when a person simply blames another for a problem or for his or her compromised performance. To do this means forsaking your “Authority, Autonomy and Accountability” – what I call the “Triple ‘A’ of Personal/Professional Responsibility.” Ideally, people should be encouraged to reasonably and ethically exercise their “Authority” and be given sufficient “Autonomy” to do so. At the same time, PRO relating is synonymous with being held “Accountable” by some monitoring process for one’s decisions and actions.
In a PROductive relationship, not taking responsibility too frequently means you are accepting that another party has the power to define your competency, your identity and the problem-solving dynamics of a situation. And from such a vulnerable if not victim-like position, not surprisingly some people become defensive, too quickly seeing provocative or even mere problematic interaction as an issue of respect. I think the words of the universally admired first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, have much relevance: “No one can take away your self-respect without your active participation.” So don’t be responsible for an unhealthy power transfusion.
4. Responsive. The foundational word for responsive is “sensitive” – “being susceptible to the attitudes, feelings or circumstances of others.” For me, responsive is the counterpoint to being reactive – where sensitivity has less to do with feeling with and for the other and more to do with defending an insecure or injured self. My conception of responsive equates with a strong capacity for empathy, an ability to walk in another’s shoes, and especially a capacity for feeling those bunions. In contrast, reaction is frequently an overemotional state. And when someone is chronically reactive (think fight or flight on steroids) he or she perceives events as darkly threatening. Often other people are held in suspicion and are to be quickly attacked or avoided. Reaction has a primal if not primitive quality; responsive is a complex and compassionate blend of head and heart. When responsive you are processing both text and context, seeing both the individual trees and the bigger forest.
At the same time we must go beyond a psychological perspective. Being responsive means you are “ready or inclined to respond…to people or events; you show effort in return to a force.” You are willing to consider and act upon “suggestions and influences.” Yet, the most effective response mechanism does not necessarily involve strategic assertion or a dramatic display of knowledge or authority. Sometimes being responsive means knowing when and how to ask the right question, or when to be silent and simply touch the other’s shoulder.
Case Example
Let me share a recent exchange that captures the Four “R”s of PROductive relating. I was in the office of an ENT doctor. Recently, a tissue growth was discovered inside my ear. It does not appear to be cancerous (a biopsy was performed). However, the condition is potentially serious as it could compromise the inner ear bone structure. So some kind of surgery is needed. And, there’s a constant ringing in the ear and decided hearing loss in the problem ear. Whether any of the loss is reversible remains to be determined. (Still, I did manage to come up with one good line. Upon hearing about my tinnitus (ear ringing), a friend, trying to be helpful, suggested that I might want to get a white noise machine. My immediate reply: “I am the walking white noise machine!”)
Just before reviewing my CAT Scan the doctor shared some good news. The growth is outside the eardrum, making the surgery less dicey though, at this point, there's still potential for some diminished hearing or ringing aftereffects. I still had some questions, and proceeded to raise them. Perhaps I interrupted him as he was about to view my CAT Scan, for suddenly the doctor raised his hand and said, I was “coming across with too much intensity.” I was taken aback by his confrontation. To myself I wondered, “Where’s the boundary between being direct and being intense?” Clearly, I don’t want to antagonize my doctor. Keeping my cool, I finally said, “Perhaps the uncertainty this past month (we couldn’t schedule an earlier appointment) has something to do with my intensity.” I was acknowledging my behavior without apologizing directly. (Being Respectful to other and self; being Real and taking some Responsibility.) The acknowledgement seemed to free up the doctor to respond in kind: “I’m pretty intense myself. Perhaps your intensity helped bring out my intensity.” (Being Real, taking some Responsibility and being Responsive.)
We had no trouble communicating the rest of the appointment. The doctor wanted me to get a second opinion with a more experienced colleague. Before leaving, I told the doctor that I valued our previous “open” exchange. He then said, “I’m here as your partner and advocate.” (And he even responded within twenty-four hours to a susequent email.) We both ended up being PROs. (Being mutually Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive.)
Closing
Hopefully, with the concepts and case example you now have a Four “R” template for building Professional, Reciprocal and Ongoing relations. Be Respectful, Real, Responsible and Responsive both personally and with others and you will be a PROductive communicator. And you’ll also be on a four step path for helping one and all…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
----------------------
Recent Testimonials:
Mental Retardation Services/Fairfax-Falls Church Community Services Board
[1.5 hour “Practice Safe Stress: Creatively Engaging Transition-Transformation and Building Team Cooperation through Humor" for sixty attendees]
From: Friedman, Joel
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 1:30 PM
To: Emerson, Barbara; Stocks, Judith R.Cc: Wooten, Alan D.
Subject: RE: A Speaker Referral
Barbara: Thanks for referring Mark Gorkin to us. He presented, “Practice Safe Stress: Creatively Engaging Transition-Transformation and Building Team Cooperation through Humor,” to Intellectual Disability Services staff yesterday as part of a larger program. Everyone enjoyed the topic content and Mark's delivery "style." He was very easy to work with leading up to and during the presentation. I think he's a keeper.
Joel
Joel M. Friedman
Coordinator of Strategic Planning
Mental Retardation Services
Fairfax-Falls Church Community Services Board
(703)324-4433 (Direct)
(703)324-4400 (Main)
joel.friedman@fairfaxcounty.gov
----------
Mark,Thanks again for your time and talents! Very on target and well received.
Alan
Alan Wooten
Director, Mental Retardation Services
Fairfax-Falls Church Community Services Board
Alan.Wooten@fairfaxcounty.gov
--------
Mark: It was great having you with us yesterday. There were many positive comments and I believe everyone enjoyed your "style" of presentation. Hopefully, you can share your knowledge and insights with us again. Thank you.
Joel
-------------------
National Institutes of Health Acquisitions Management Conference
[1.5 hour “Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront” program for 200 attendees]
May 26, 2009
Dear Mark,
I want to take this opportunity to thank you for your participation as a plenary speaker at the 2008 NIH AMC Symposium. Your presentation entitled “Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront” was widely attended as it appears there is a great need for de-stressing within the acquisition community of NIH. The presentation was interactive and energetic and it kept the audience engaged at all times. It was easy to see through the active participation of the audience that many people feel stress in their work environment and are seeking ways to relieve that stress. Your timely advice and strategies for relieving stress were greatly appreciated by all. I highly recommend this training for supervisors and employees combined to ensure the best return on their time. I hope that we have an opportunity to work together in the future. Thank you for all your efforts in making the 2008 NIH AMC Symposium a success!
Donna Perry-Lalley, M.S.Co-Chair 2008 NIH AMC Symposium
Contracting Officer RepresentativeOffice of Acquisitions
National Cancer InstituteNational Institutes of Health
perryd@mail.nih.gov
Disclaimer -- These statements represent the opinions of the writer and/or participants in an NIH sponsored symposium and are not to be misconstrued as an endorsement of the StressDoc by the NIH or any other Government agency.
---------------
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Laughing in the Face of Layoffs
Laughing in the Face of Layoffs
"How can the person displaced or downsized see both the danger and opportunity in career change or disruption? Can we learn, even, to both cry and laugh at this career crisis turning point?"
To be able to see the comic in the crisis requires two achievements. First we must embrace Charlie Chaplin's penetrating insight: "A paradoxical thing is that in making comedy the tragic is precisely what arouses the funny...we have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and (in order) not to go crazy." And we must come to understand that the supposed ideal position may have been short-circuiting new idea generation: As noted French author and philosopher, Albert Camus, observed: "Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain."
And the "possible" includes discovering (usually through deliberation and design) unexpected opportunities and realizing genuine desire and talent. Turning a grief process into a growth process means exploring fresh options and developing new skills. And as the psychiatrist Ernst Kris observed, "What's was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." (And as the Stress Doc inverted, "What was once feared and is laughed at is no longer a master!")
So are you ready to “laugh in the face of layoffs?” How do you gain this liberating perspective?
Laughing, Layoffs and the Art of Letting Go
Layoffs-the "L-word" is back. Whether framed as "reorganization," "downsizing," or, perhaps, most cutting of all - "rightsizing" – layoffs can create feelings of betrayal, a loss of face and faith, and anxiety about the future. As one woman caught in the throes of her government agency's reorganization exclaimed, "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it."
People experiencing a layoff need to let go and transform their emotional pain, fear, and aggressive energy into exploration and acceptance. Those going through this grieving often overlook positive facets of their layoffs:
1. Job worry reduction. What a relief, you can finally stop worrying about the prospect of losing your job. Anticipation can be worse than any termination.
2. Less stressful rituals. Not having to set an alarm clock is definitely a stress reliever. How about a ten-minute morning stretch, including some classic yoga positions, to get your mind-body-spirit both relaxed and revved up? (Hey, this routine definitely helped clear up boomer back pain.) You might even be ready for a real daring move -- gradual withdrawal from the morning coffee fix!
3. Mid-Day Meditation. And consider my radical “Old Age" (as opposed to “New Age") meditation technique: I find a quiet place, then close my eyes and chant "N-A-P, N-A-P" for 10 to 20 minutes in the afternoon and/or evening.
4. Family highs. Layoff transition means more opportunity for you and your family to share personal and meaningful interaction. Now there's time for family dinners and in-depth discussions of, for example, the relationship between homework, television, and migraine headaches. (Of course, too much joy with the family too fast can induce culture shock. Don't try to make up in two weeks for 20 years of benign neglect.)
5. Boredom breakout. When we invest much time, energy, money, and/or ego in a position, it can be difficult to recognize or admit it's time to move on. Before the layoff, were you increasingly frustrated, restless, or underwhelmed at work? Well, now's the time to "fireproof life with variety."
6.Transitional vacation time. Make the shift from being "laid-off" to having "time off." Instead of thinking of yourself as unemployed, consider yourself in transition. (Wouldn't you have liked a semester off during college to reconsider direction and options?)
7. Catalyst for Self-Assessment and Self-Discovery. Don't just conduct a job search, first use the free time to do a mid-life and mid-career eval. (Think of it as a three year or 40,000 mile under the hood check-up.) Are there aspects of your mind-body health that you have neglected? Perhaps it’s time to join a “Y” or start an exercise routine; maybe find a “walking buddy.” Are there significant relationships in need of repair? Or are there any toxic people and situations from whom or from which you need to separate?
After this “nuts and bolts” assessment let’s get more creative. Explore these self-discovery questions: What are my true talents, interests, passions? What do I really want in a career/position at this juncture? What is no longer acceptable to me; to my family? Remember, anxiously rushing into jobs or judgments usually confines people to less creative and meaningful paths. So here's my prescription: Take an incubation vacation to rejuvenate the mind-body-spirit connection and to hatch new perspective.
8. Turn Reconnecting into Networking Opportunities. Now’s the chance to spend time with people you care about and who care about you (especially folks you can laugh with). You might even try catching up with those on your “to call” list for half-a-year. Transition is both a nurturing and networking opportunity. Friends and former colleagues or associates are, to use Malcolm Gladwell’s phraseology from the The Tipping Point, potential “connectors” – people who just might be able to productively pass your name along the job search nexus.
9. Existential Capitalism (EC). EC is my pioneering philosophy; its source of inspiration (or, if you prefer, desperation) arises from the challenge of not knowing from where your next dollar is coming. Money, of course, can be a cause for worry during this trying transition, but wouldn't it be nice to simplify your life a bit? Now is the time to get in touch with wanderlust or bohemian desires. Live on the edge. Paint. Write poetry. If you can't move to Montana, become a freelance consultant. Consider part-time work or even volunteering to get your foot and mind in the door.
10. Seek or Create Support. Find a job support group to help you update your resume, practice interviewing skills and especially for commiserating with fellow seekers and sufferers. Common tears often sow uncommon laughter. If your company doesn’t have such a resource, see if they can start one. Or explore such a possibility with your local paralegal association. I’ve know individuals who during previous economic downturns started a job seekers network at their church or synagogue.
But perhaps the most important take home, don’t be afraid to ask for help, both informal and professional (especially if the ratio between tears of sadness and tears of laughter is way out of balance). Please, don't be brought down by false pride; even the great van Gogh regularly got money from his brother and Thoreau would routinely escape Walden Pond for his mother's Sunday dinner. (It's true.)
Pursuing a genuine, fulfilling, and creative life that's respectful of one's essential talents, nature, and spirit is a challenge. But there's no better time than transition time to take it up. So explore and remember: We're not human doings, but human beings. Learn to laugh at the difference. And, finally, seek the higher power of humor: May the Force and Farce Be with You!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
"How can the person displaced or downsized see both the danger and opportunity in career change or disruption? Can we learn, even, to both cry and laugh at this career crisis turning point?"
To be able to see the comic in the crisis requires two achievements. First we must embrace Charlie Chaplin's penetrating insight: "A paradoxical thing is that in making comedy the tragic is precisely what arouses the funny...we have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and (in order) not to go crazy." And we must come to understand that the supposed ideal position may have been short-circuiting new idea generation: As noted French author and philosopher, Albert Camus, observed: "Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain."
And the "possible" includes discovering (usually through deliberation and design) unexpected opportunities and realizing genuine desire and talent. Turning a grief process into a growth process means exploring fresh options and developing new skills. And as the psychiatrist Ernst Kris observed, "What's was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." (And as the Stress Doc inverted, "What was once feared and is laughed at is no longer a master!")
So are you ready to “laugh in the face of layoffs?” How do you gain this liberating perspective?
Laughing, Layoffs and the Art of Letting Go
Layoffs-the "L-word" is back. Whether framed as "reorganization," "downsizing," or, perhaps, most cutting of all - "rightsizing" – layoffs can create feelings of betrayal, a loss of face and faith, and anxiety about the future. As one woman caught in the throes of her government agency's reorganization exclaimed, "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it."
People experiencing a layoff need to let go and transform their emotional pain, fear, and aggressive energy into exploration and acceptance. Those going through this grieving often overlook positive facets of their layoffs:
1. Job worry reduction. What a relief, you can finally stop worrying about the prospect of losing your job. Anticipation can be worse than any termination.
2. Less stressful rituals. Not having to set an alarm clock is definitely a stress reliever. How about a ten-minute morning stretch, including some classic yoga positions, to get your mind-body-spirit both relaxed and revved up? (Hey, this routine definitely helped clear up boomer back pain.) You might even be ready for a real daring move -- gradual withdrawal from the morning coffee fix!
3. Mid-Day Meditation. And consider my radical “Old Age" (as opposed to “New Age") meditation technique: I find a quiet place, then close my eyes and chant "N-A-P, N-A-P" for 10 to 20 minutes in the afternoon and/or evening.
4. Family highs. Layoff transition means more opportunity for you and your family to share personal and meaningful interaction. Now there's time for family dinners and in-depth discussions of, for example, the relationship between homework, television, and migraine headaches. (Of course, too much joy with the family too fast can induce culture shock. Don't try to make up in two weeks for 20 years of benign neglect.)
5. Boredom breakout. When we invest much time, energy, money, and/or ego in a position, it can be difficult to recognize or admit it's time to move on. Before the layoff, were you increasingly frustrated, restless, or underwhelmed at work? Well, now's the time to "fireproof life with variety."
6.Transitional vacation time. Make the shift from being "laid-off" to having "time off." Instead of thinking of yourself as unemployed, consider yourself in transition. (Wouldn't you have liked a semester off during college to reconsider direction and options?)
7. Catalyst for Self-Assessment and Self-Discovery. Don't just conduct a job search, first use the free time to do a mid-life and mid-career eval. (Think of it as a three year or 40,000 mile under the hood check-up.) Are there aspects of your mind-body health that you have neglected? Perhaps it’s time to join a “Y” or start an exercise routine; maybe find a “walking buddy.” Are there significant relationships in need of repair? Or are there any toxic people and situations from whom or from which you need to separate?
After this “nuts and bolts” assessment let’s get more creative. Explore these self-discovery questions: What are my true talents, interests, passions? What do I really want in a career/position at this juncture? What is no longer acceptable to me; to my family? Remember, anxiously rushing into jobs or judgments usually confines people to less creative and meaningful paths. So here's my prescription: Take an incubation vacation to rejuvenate the mind-body-spirit connection and to hatch new perspective.
8. Turn Reconnecting into Networking Opportunities. Now’s the chance to spend time with people you care about and who care about you (especially folks you can laugh with). You might even try catching up with those on your “to call” list for half-a-year. Transition is both a nurturing and networking opportunity. Friends and former colleagues or associates are, to use Malcolm Gladwell’s phraseology from the The Tipping Point, potential “connectors” – people who just might be able to productively pass your name along the job search nexus.
9. Existential Capitalism (EC). EC is my pioneering philosophy; its source of inspiration (or, if you prefer, desperation) arises from the challenge of not knowing from where your next dollar is coming. Money, of course, can be a cause for worry during this trying transition, but wouldn't it be nice to simplify your life a bit? Now is the time to get in touch with wanderlust or bohemian desires. Live on the edge. Paint. Write poetry. If you can't move to Montana, become a freelance consultant. Consider part-time work or even volunteering to get your foot and mind in the door.
10. Seek or Create Support. Find a job support group to help you update your resume, practice interviewing skills and especially for commiserating with fellow seekers and sufferers. Common tears often sow uncommon laughter. If your company doesn’t have such a resource, see if they can start one. Or explore such a possibility with your local paralegal association. I’ve know individuals who during previous economic downturns started a job seekers network at their church or synagogue.
But perhaps the most important take home, don’t be afraid to ask for help, both informal and professional (especially if the ratio between tears of sadness and tears of laughter is way out of balance). Please, don't be brought down by false pride; even the great van Gogh regularly got money from his brother and Thoreau would routinely escape Walden Pond for his mother's Sunday dinner. (It's true.)
Pursuing a genuine, fulfilling, and creative life that's respectful of one's essential talents, nature, and spirit is a challenge. But there's no better time than transition time to take it up. So explore and remember: We're not human doings, but human beings. Learn to laugh at the difference. And, finally, seek the higher power of humor: May the Force and Farce Be with You!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Strategic Confrontation of a Company CEO
[This Q/A first appeared in May 2009, Workforce Online. Here's a reader's note:
Loved your response to the HR vice president about the demoralizing CEO!
DB, CalPERS, Office of Governmental Affairs]
Strategic Confrontation of a Company CEO
Q. I am the HR Director at a small company. I have been asked by the head of our small company to counsel my boss, who is the company CEO, about his tendency for insulting employees and making racist comments in e-mail messages. The same CEO has made derogatory comments about me, and retaliated against some employees (including firing) who have brought his defects to light. Morale is extremely low, from district managers to the corporate office, yet our company has never done better financially. As a result, our company's directors don't want to change CEOs. How do I handle his request for me to counsel my own boss?
A. Before tackling this CEO "stress carrier" (and you know the definition of a stress carrier…"someone who doesn't get ulcers just gives them!") you have to have a serious sit down with the company head. Two questions jump out: why is the head of the company accepting the CEO's dysfunctional behavior and why is he not having the counseling session? Of course, we can speculate on the "head" (case) motives, and again two stand out: he (or she) is confrontation averse and/or he and the CEO are buddies. Another question comes to mind: what is your relationship with the company head? Do you have enough experience to judge his integrity? This is vital as you must obtain substantive assurance (perhaps in writing) that the company head (or the board of directors) will give you protection from any retaliatory behavior by the CEO? (Is the company head aware of how far this CEO has taken retaliation when feeling threatened?) The company head and company board must understand that employee discontent with treatment from a specific manager or supervisor is the biggest cause of employee's leaving a company. That is, profits probably won't stay up if morale stays low and people eventually change ships, which is what they will likely do once the economic climate starts to improve.
Finally, I would obtain buy-in from the company head for some executive/communications/diversity coaching for the CEO. Assuming you get satisfactory assurance (and if you don't then I would think twice about meeting with the CEO alone; I might opt instead for a three way meeting with the CEO and the company head) then consider these steps:
1. Challenge and Reassure the CEO. If possible, have the CEO meet in your office. Psychologically this will be self-empowering. Let the CEO know that the head of the company strongly suggested the meeting. Then inform the CEO that you and the company head (there is strength in numbers) value his contributions to the company success (note specific strengths). Also, share that you appreciate how, as a leader, he wants to hold people accountable, and you understand his frustration when people do not meet company performance expectations. (Hint, hint.) However, you and the company head both are concerned that some of the CEO's actions are hurting his status as leader and potentially are hurting the overall position of the company.
2. Get Specific. Ask the CEO if he recalls imparting any insulting or racist comments in emails? If he denies the deed, if at all possible be prepared to present such emails or have some documentation re: time and place regarding hostile or racist remarks. (I would not bring up your experience with the CEO in this meeting. Don't give the CEO ammo to question your objectivity.) Let the CEO know he is putting himself and the company in legal jeopardy with such insults and racist comments.
3. Ask for Feedback and Have a Plan. How does the CEO respond to your constructive confrontation? If he is defensive or in denial, then you have to let him know that you will be reporting this fact back to the company head. If he is open to your comments, solicit his ideas on how he can express his frustrations or concerns with people or business operations in a more constructive and substantive manner. I would also let the CEO know that the company is prepared to provide voluntary executive/communication/diversity coaching (and will make it mandatory) if problems persist.
4. Follow-up Meetings. I would schedule a three-way meeting with the CEO and company head to make sure everyone is on the same page, after you've had a report back with the company head. And then have a follow-up meeting in two to four weeks with you and the CEO to monitor progress.If you follow these steps, I believe you will demonstrate your professionalism and will determine whether the CEO's behaviors are amenable to change. And if the CEO resists this intervention, then the ball is in the company head/company board's court, where it belonged all along.
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-946-0865. And to view web video highlights of a Stress Doc Keynote, go to http://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm .
(c) Mark Gorkin 2009
Shrink Rap™ Productions
Loved your response to the HR vice president about the demoralizing CEO!
DB, CalPERS, Office of Governmental Affairs]
Strategic Confrontation of a Company CEO
Q. I am the HR Director at a small company. I have been asked by the head of our small company to counsel my boss, who is the company CEO, about his tendency for insulting employees and making racist comments in e-mail messages. The same CEO has made derogatory comments about me, and retaliated against some employees (including firing) who have brought his defects to light. Morale is extremely low, from district managers to the corporate office, yet our company has never done better financially. As a result, our company's directors don't want to change CEOs. How do I handle his request for me to counsel my own boss?
A. Before tackling this CEO "stress carrier" (and you know the definition of a stress carrier…"someone who doesn't get ulcers just gives them!") you have to have a serious sit down with the company head. Two questions jump out: why is the head of the company accepting the CEO's dysfunctional behavior and why is he not having the counseling session? Of course, we can speculate on the "head" (case) motives, and again two stand out: he (or she) is confrontation averse and/or he and the CEO are buddies. Another question comes to mind: what is your relationship with the company head? Do you have enough experience to judge his integrity? This is vital as you must obtain substantive assurance (perhaps in writing) that the company head (or the board of directors) will give you protection from any retaliatory behavior by the CEO? (Is the company head aware of how far this CEO has taken retaliation when feeling threatened?) The company head and company board must understand that employee discontent with treatment from a specific manager or supervisor is the biggest cause of employee's leaving a company. That is, profits probably won't stay up if morale stays low and people eventually change ships, which is what they will likely do once the economic climate starts to improve.
Finally, I would obtain buy-in from the company head for some executive/communications/diversity coaching for the CEO. Assuming you get satisfactory assurance (and if you don't then I would think twice about meeting with the CEO alone; I might opt instead for a three way meeting with the CEO and the company head) then consider these steps:
1. Challenge and Reassure the CEO. If possible, have the CEO meet in your office. Psychologically this will be self-empowering. Let the CEO know that the head of the company strongly suggested the meeting. Then inform the CEO that you and the company head (there is strength in numbers) value his contributions to the company success (note specific strengths). Also, share that you appreciate how, as a leader, he wants to hold people accountable, and you understand his frustration when people do not meet company performance expectations. (Hint, hint.) However, you and the company head both are concerned that some of the CEO's actions are hurting his status as leader and potentially are hurting the overall position of the company.
2. Get Specific. Ask the CEO if he recalls imparting any insulting or racist comments in emails? If he denies the deed, if at all possible be prepared to present such emails or have some documentation re: time and place regarding hostile or racist remarks. (I would not bring up your experience with the CEO in this meeting. Don't give the CEO ammo to question your objectivity.) Let the CEO know he is putting himself and the company in legal jeopardy with such insults and racist comments.
3. Ask for Feedback and Have a Plan. How does the CEO respond to your constructive confrontation? If he is defensive or in denial, then you have to let him know that you will be reporting this fact back to the company head. If he is open to your comments, solicit his ideas on how he can express his frustrations or concerns with people or business operations in a more constructive and substantive manner. I would also let the CEO know that the company is prepared to provide voluntary executive/communication/diversity coaching (and will make it mandatory) if problems persist.
4. Follow-up Meetings. I would schedule a three-way meeting with the CEO and company head to make sure everyone is on the same page, after you've had a report back with the company head. And then have a follow-up meeting in two to four weeks with you and the CEO to monitor progress.If you follow these steps, I believe you will demonstrate your professionalism and will determine whether the CEO's behaviors are amenable to change. And if the CEO resists this intervention, then the ball is in the company head/company board's court, where it belonged all along.
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-946-0865. And to view web video highlights of a Stress Doc Keynote, go to http://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm .
(c) Mark Gorkin 2009
Shrink Rap™ Productions
Discovering Your Passion
A playful challenge from an audience member helps bring to life the importance of searching for and developing your passion, whether in the face of skepticism, long periods of self-doubt and/or having to accept (even better, learn to play with and laugh at) your own flaws and foibles.
Discovering Your Passion throughHumble Practice and Outrageous Play
Setting the stage for the dramatic close of my Practice Safe Stress program with the Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) School of Dentistry faculty and staff, I declared, "Find something you love to do, that you are truly passionate about. Some will find it at work, others will need to explore outside of work. And I believe you get the most mood elevation and sense of meaning when it's an activity that allows for genuine self-expression and that challenges you to keep practicing in order to develop your skills." I then asked the audience a rhetorical question: "Can you tell I enjoy being up here?" Why do I enjoy it so? Sure I love the attention, and I love being center stage. You know the old adage: 'Vanity thy name is Gorkin!'" After the laughter subsided, I explained the real reason: "I can bring more of myself as a speaker than just about anything else I do. With years of practice -- stumbling, falling yet getting up again and again -- I can be serious and silly, thoughtful and emotional, aggressive or poetic, larger than life or even an 'orchestra leader,' helping others bring out their best music. And I can be outrageous."
Now I immediately shifted into walking my "passionate" and "outrageous" talk, by putting on my Blues Brothers hat and black sunglasses and taking out a black tambourine, thereby revealing a secret identity: "I'm pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music and as a therapist calling it, of course, 'Shrink Rap' ™ Productions." Predictably, there's an audible groan from the audience. And my response: "Groan now. We'll see who has the last groan." (However, in my defense, years back, an African American friend upon hearing the lyrics said, "Oh, so you're into 'Aristocratic Rap.'")I then explain that this is my Charlie Chaplin Maneuver. ("Alas, after I'm through you may need the Heimlich Maneuver.") The pioneering comedic film genius observed that, "The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy." Naturally, I note that what the audience is "about to see and hear will give new meaning to the word 'tragic.' And as for not going 'crazy,' it's way too late for that. So buckle up your straightjackets…It's the 'Stress Doc's Stress Rap.'" And not only am I belting out the words but I'm prancing around the room while banging on the tambourine.
Here are some sample lyrics:
When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped.
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette!...
Well the boss makes demands but gives little control
So you prey on chocolate and wish life were dull.
But office's desk's a mess, often skipping meals
Inside your car looks like a pocketbook on wheels!
[Email stressdoc@aol.com for the complete lyrics.]
At the onset of my "performance," people seem embarrassed for me; some are just sitting there wide-eyed with their mouths agape. (Clearly I'm perpetuating a stereotype, notwithstanding Elvis Presley, John Travolta and Justin Timberlake: the rhythmically-challenged status of the white male!) However, my bravery if not my witticisms win them over. Often the group begins clapping their hands to my self-styled beat. Once the lyrics are completed the room erupts in applause. After waving off the feedback, my immediate response: "I've been doing this long enough…I know when an audience is applauding out of relief!" And then, "All this shows after twenty years off and on of all kinds of therapy -- from Jungian analysis to primal scream -- I have one singular accomplishment. Just one: Absolutely no appropriate sense of shame!"
Finally, as the laughter subsides, a woman in the audience ventures a comment, likely on other's minds: "Don't quit your day job!"
And my rejoinder is fairly predictable: "It's too late…This is my day job!"
But then I seize the moment: "You know I'm just up here having a ball. I'm not worried about what others are thinking, or whether they are judging me. I'm just doing it cause I love doing it. And I do feel good about the quality of my lyrics."
We had come full circle: Finding your passion and doing what you love to do. First, I underscored the real satisfaction in being able to laugh at my own flaws and foibles, especially when vividly recalling the many years being much more self-conscious and less self-assured as a speaker. Of course, it wasn't easy overcoming my self-consciousness rapping in public. More to the point, "it took awhile to feel comfortable making a fool of myself." There was at least as much blood, sweat and tears as there was joy while winding along the path of mastery as a speaker and "Shrink Rapper." However, it was definitely worth it. As the psychiatrist Ernst Kris observed: "What was once feared as is now mastered is laughed at." (And as the Stress Doc inverted: "What was once feared as is now laughed at is no longer a master!")
Now, with extensive practice and with the initial encouragement from those early audiences, I'm just fulfilling my destiny: "Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire!" Obviously, my goal in life: "Being both a wise man and a wise guy!"
Hopefully, this vignette will inspire a search for your passion and a commitment to purposeful -- humbling and playful, if not outrageous -- practice. And with a bit of luck, these words just may encourage one and all to…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Discovering Your Passion throughHumble Practice and Outrageous Play
Setting the stage for the dramatic close of my Practice Safe Stress program with the Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) School of Dentistry faculty and staff, I declared, "Find something you love to do, that you are truly passionate about. Some will find it at work, others will need to explore outside of work. And I believe you get the most mood elevation and sense of meaning when it's an activity that allows for genuine self-expression and that challenges you to keep practicing in order to develop your skills." I then asked the audience a rhetorical question: "Can you tell I enjoy being up here?" Why do I enjoy it so? Sure I love the attention, and I love being center stage. You know the old adage: 'Vanity thy name is Gorkin!'" After the laughter subsided, I explained the real reason: "I can bring more of myself as a speaker than just about anything else I do. With years of practice -- stumbling, falling yet getting up again and again -- I can be serious and silly, thoughtful and emotional, aggressive or poetic, larger than life or even an 'orchestra leader,' helping others bring out their best music. And I can be outrageous."
Now I immediately shifted into walking my "passionate" and "outrageous" talk, by putting on my Blues Brothers hat and black sunglasses and taking out a black tambourine, thereby revealing a secret identity: "I'm pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music and as a therapist calling it, of course, 'Shrink Rap' ™ Productions." Predictably, there's an audible groan from the audience. And my response: "Groan now. We'll see who has the last groan." (However, in my defense, years back, an African American friend upon hearing the lyrics said, "Oh, so you're into 'Aristocratic Rap.'")I then explain that this is my Charlie Chaplin Maneuver. ("Alas, after I'm through you may need the Heimlich Maneuver.") The pioneering comedic film genius observed that, "The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy." Naturally, I note that what the audience is "about to see and hear will give new meaning to the word 'tragic.' And as for not going 'crazy,' it's way too late for that. So buckle up your straightjackets…It's the 'Stress Doc's Stress Rap.'" And not only am I belting out the words but I'm prancing around the room while banging on the tambourine.
Here are some sample lyrics:
When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped.
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette!...
Well the boss makes demands but gives little control
So you prey on chocolate and wish life were dull.
But office's desk's a mess, often skipping meals
Inside your car looks like a pocketbook on wheels!
[Email stressdoc@aol.com for the complete lyrics.]
At the onset of my "performance," people seem embarrassed for me; some are just sitting there wide-eyed with their mouths agape. (Clearly I'm perpetuating a stereotype, notwithstanding Elvis Presley, John Travolta and Justin Timberlake: the rhythmically-challenged status of the white male!) However, my bravery if not my witticisms win them over. Often the group begins clapping their hands to my self-styled beat. Once the lyrics are completed the room erupts in applause. After waving off the feedback, my immediate response: "I've been doing this long enough…I know when an audience is applauding out of relief!" And then, "All this shows after twenty years off and on of all kinds of therapy -- from Jungian analysis to primal scream -- I have one singular accomplishment. Just one: Absolutely no appropriate sense of shame!"
Finally, as the laughter subsides, a woman in the audience ventures a comment, likely on other's minds: "Don't quit your day job!"
And my rejoinder is fairly predictable: "It's too late…This is my day job!"
But then I seize the moment: "You know I'm just up here having a ball. I'm not worried about what others are thinking, or whether they are judging me. I'm just doing it cause I love doing it. And I do feel good about the quality of my lyrics."
We had come full circle: Finding your passion and doing what you love to do. First, I underscored the real satisfaction in being able to laugh at my own flaws and foibles, especially when vividly recalling the many years being much more self-conscious and less self-assured as a speaker. Of course, it wasn't easy overcoming my self-consciousness rapping in public. More to the point, "it took awhile to feel comfortable making a fool of myself." There was at least as much blood, sweat and tears as there was joy while winding along the path of mastery as a speaker and "Shrink Rapper." However, it was definitely worth it. As the psychiatrist Ernst Kris observed: "What was once feared as is now mastered is laughed at." (And as the Stress Doc inverted: "What was once feared as is now laughed at is no longer a master!")
Now, with extensive practice and with the initial encouragement from those early audiences, I'm just fulfilling my destiny: "Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire!" Obviously, my goal in life: "Being both a wise man and a wise guy!"
Hopefully, this vignette will inspire a search for your passion and a commitment to purposeful -- humbling and playful, if not outrageous -- practice. And with a bit of luck, these words just may encourage one and all to…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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