Space-Time Travelers and Lovers: The Path of Letting Go

For well over a year, I have been smoldering about the end of my ten-year, long-distance relationship, and especially, how I was blocked by both mother and, IMHO, indirectly by “Nana,” from having any further connection with my ex’s granddaughter.  I was crazy about this little girl, doting upon her with undivided attention, creative-playful energy, and unconditional love.  Lil Charlotte has been remembered and celebrated in word and song.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com for a Charlotte sampler.)  And she (or a symbolic representation) adorns the cover of my forthcoming e-book, Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh and Love.

Actually, in the past couple of months the burning fires and depressed embers have been fading; the flood of tears, a few friends, and new creative gears are helping me move ahead and repair that once broken heart.  Ironically, no longer so enraged, no longer feeling so caged, having sufficiently (albeit, not completely) detached, it’s possible to view my ex-partner without all the steam and fury.  I can better distinguish feelings for her and our time together, before my work slowed (and her insecurities increased regarding my financial stability).  And, before a grandchild entered our orbit.

In light of previous painful exchanges only a couple of months ago, and considering that we still have not met face-to-face since the last time we were in the same room in Jan 2015…was this new mindscape trustworthy?  Was I ready to express appreciation for the loving times and spaces that we shared:  would I be opening a wound or inviting myself to be once again wounded?

So a debate raged within, and then an opening…a poem was dawning.  “Space-Time Travelers and Lovers” is now ready to come out of the creative closet.  It is followed by an introduction to another grief-themed poem, “On the Ode to Letting Go.”  (A poem, I am proud to say, that was recently used as a teaching tool by a Lutheran Church Ministry group; see below.  It also appears in the aforementioned Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss.)  I hope you find the tandem w/rite of passage meaningful.  Peace,  MG

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

Author of the new e-book on Amazon, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World: Writings, Raps, & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency, Burnout Recovery, and Digital Sanity

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GIPXVH4/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

Synopsis:  An insightful and inspiring guide for self-discovery and heart-to-heart connection, Preserving Human Touch... is the painful, playful, and soulful outpouring of a one-of-a-kind – stage and page – "Motivational Psychohumorist" TM and "word artist."  Whether poetry or prose, purposeful or poignant, the language is colorful yet clear – a tapestry of meaningful substance and magical style.  As a psychohumorist, the Doc has been pioneering the field of psychologically humorous "rap" music -- Shrink Rap Productions! This ingenious synthesis is best captured by the “Stress Doc’s” ™ quest to be the Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages).

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Space-Time Travelers and Lovers

Once upon a time and so far away…

Love meant never having to say you're sorry

But it's all relative

When space-time bends chemical trends

Turning a “Yes” into “NO!”

So much more EBB than flow

As starship lovers no longer friends

Passing in the night…once out-of-sight

The gravity glue between two dark-distant bodies

A delayed, weak soular signal:

An ex-paramour’s dashboard amends.

Best and Worst of Times

Going round and around

Earth Mother in elliptical circles…

Sometimes a flyaway comet

Sometimes cradled in each other’s orbit

A partner planet

Then a little moon arrived

With her crescent smile

That drove me good crazy

And magnetic halo that lit up the sky

Don’t ask me why

My career/work was aborted

And a trust-line shorted.

Instead of coming closer, now apart further

Revealing two ego-alien natures

A heartbreak space station...once a force-field of dreams.

But how would one know with Earth’s silent screams?

Perhaps best to say

In this galaxy, anyway

Two orbs are company

Three is a crowd!

Especially when in the mind of one

The other won’t find another way.

And in the mind of the other

One won’t take another look:

Each reads from a different (work)Book!

Rages, Stages, and Steps

Once ejected from the family solar system

Wounded soul flares erupt

Spewing radioactive rage

Toxic heat and heavy light in a Dark Age

Sucking the air from black hole grief.

Turning point:  reaching for 12-Step relief:

A reflecting pool, a time to cool

Down blazing shadows

To wade in the shade

Fury, finally, starting to fade

And none too soon

Enabling this far from heavenly body

To ponder his eclipse by the Earth

No longer blinded by his lost little Moon.

Hard to believe:  being so helpless

All alone in the darkness

When days feel like weeks

The one vital sign-source:

Core lava waterfall wrath

Cherry-magma tear-dyed cheeks

Turning pain into war paint

Words drawn from blood, sweat, and tears

To disarm voices that split me in half.

Letting Go to “No” and Flow

In the fiery furnace of that dark night

Oh how can self-doubt

Morph as a flaming red light?

Do know your limits…Don’t limit your No’s!

Stop justifying to friends or foes

Trust the prose of soul sisters or bros

No shame stepping on some big toes.

Now transform “fight or flight”

Into let go luminous loss

That will run its course

As a gentle rain path

Washing away scarlet shame ranting

Magma mask finger point painting.

Embracing my sadness

Much stronger than madness.

Half Full/Empty Memory Scope

Recalling starlit games at bedtime

Pot-belly laughs and zippy high-lines

Yellow stones…to mountain climbs

Coastal shores and tundra pines

Not to mention vineyard wines

Your matzoh ball soup, latkes, and Seders

Helping you deal with plant-loving Jew baiters.

For a good while this was quite fine

But my being weird wired

I know you got tired with

A world of “word artist” designs

Sans bottom line recovery signs.

We weathered some storms…just not stormy weather

Alas, for me, 9-5, a dead letter

Yet, some regrets:  could I have done better?

Never astral bodies of a feather

Still… grateful for time travel together!

©  Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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A Spiritual Path for “Ode to Letting Go” 

Recently, with the help of a good friend/colleague, I led a “Practice Safe Stress” workshop for her church ministry group.  We all had a great time:

Trinity Lutheran Church/Stephen Ministry Program, N. Bethesda, MD; "Developing Stress Resilience through Humor:  A Caregiver's Playshop"; 1.5 hours

June 22, 2016

Mark - my go-to-stress-reliever -
THANK YOU & below I'm sharing a message from Miriam.
Yes, we "talked about you" -- all in a good way - our group was amazed and positively positive --
THANK YOU for braving the storm and making this "anniversary" a time to work out, work through, and work toward more healing in so many ways.

We'll be in touch -

HUGE Gorkin Fan

Donna Shriver
dshriver79@aol.com
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Hi Donna,

Thanks for bringing Mark to our Stephen Ministry Program. He was absolutely great and offered so many good ideas and coping mechanisms for stress. I am definitely interested in his E-book and in getting him back to Trinity...The timing you chose bringing Mark in for his talk was perfect.

Peace,
Miriam

Directormamendenhall@verizon.net

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And then, about a week later, I received these ego-boosters from Donna S. who, herself, has a very lively and distinctive style of expression that waxes from the lyrical to the spiritual:

Hi Mark - FYI - YES, we are using your poetry & discussion questions for tonight's Stephen Ministry supervision meeting.  ALSO (yes, we talked about you -- all in a good way). -- I must tell you how enthused Miriam is about you -- last night (Monday, July 18) a smaller group of us - Miriam, Louise, Sarah, Patricia & I -- the "cheer squad" - got together for dinner -- I think you met Miriam & Louise - and Miriam read your poem to prepare us for Tuesday's meeting -- hoping we will think about it and have our discussion ready.  She likes "growl, howl, eat crow" -- she loves the word play and the rhythm of the sounds -- and the depth within the fun.  She mentioned several times how the "fun" and "depth" can be an interesting mix - and very effective - and so on-board with what we do as Stephen Ministers.  She is definitely working on a schedule to bring you back to a larger group - in the works for later…

Well, we definitely continued our education -- On the Ode to Letting Go - was dynamic and a different version of our regular Stephen Ministry (SM) training.  Miriam read the poem with wonderful force and emphasis.  Fun to hear her growl and howl.  She had us break into groups of 2 --10 people so 5 groups -- and we had private discussions with our partners.  One-on-one we bring out private information that doesn't always make it to the big group - and that shows the intimacy of sharing thoughts and ideas with only one person -- which is one of SM's positive roles.  “Don't throw in the towel -- Fight another day” -- for those of us struggling with job stress, these images hit the target. 

Our private pairs talked for about 20 minutes before sharing our main ideas with the group.  The famous 5 stages of grief were paralleled in your vision-inducing words:  howl, stew, tears, peace, learn -

Rise up - study - know - learn -

An interesting dimension - it was discussed how the poem and the "Ode to Letting Go" thrust was to use our strength from within -- to "heal yourself" -- lick wounds -- peace in gut and soul -- rather than our SM (thrust / view / push -- seeking the right word) -- our SM Christian thrust - we always look to our savior's guidance, reassurance, live-affirming love and way of life -- and we use Biblical references, God's everlasting love -- and a strength based on dependence -- letting go to Let God take our problems -- Letting Go to Forgive, and Letting our Heavenly Father be our shepherd. 

The SM dimension adds - without apology -- God's love and the idea that we "walk with Jesus" -- to walk along care receivers in their journey through the problem -- through aging -- through life's struggles and eventual debilitation.

Your prelude, ("epiphany" hits a familiar chord with this crowd -- Miriam understood the power of wordplay -- TNT - 3D - 11th Commandment -- she is familiar with Adam Gopnik, Darwin/Lincoln -- Albert Camus -- voila -- Phoenix rising from the ashes --

I was thrilled that Miriam was gung-ho about using your material (something outside the SM-approved training guide book)!

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On the Ode to "Letting Go"

At some point towards the end of 2014, at long last…an epiphany.  I finally began to grasp that in today's TNT - Time-Numbers-Technology - World ever-clouded in a "3-D" - Driven-Distracted-Disruptive - Web, lengthy essays were not the way to attract a cyber-audience.  Once again the imperative "to do more with less" rules.  (Actually, if feels like it has become the 11th Commandment!)  Makes me think of writer Adam Gopnik's powerful mantra from his book on Darwin and Lincoln:  "Repetition is the law of nature, but variation is the rule of life."  Now uncertainty and adversity, along with necessity, became the progenitors of invention.

The opportunities in separation and loss was beautifully and succinctly captured by the 20th c. French-Algerian Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible…pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Surely, one way of putting more into a smaller (yet meaning-filled) package is by shifting from prose to verse.  And voila…the concept of "Resiliency Rap" became the poetic Phoenix rising from the Internet ashes.  I suppose this "Ode" is fitting, as it begins to capture my understanding of the struggle of letting go in all domains – from the virtual to the actual.

On the Ode to "Letting Go"

To start "letting go" you must rise up and growl

Then let out a howl

Study that which seems foul –

Lick wounds for a while…stew in your woes.

Just don't throw in the towel; better…

Do know your limits, don't limit your "No"s!

Hmm…What do you know?

Those critical voices, grief ghosts on the prowl

Now flushed from your bowels

As tears flood timeworn echoes:

Peace flows through gut and soul.

So "strive high, embrace failure"

Jump into the fray

Still learning to fight another day.

For when you let go to life's ebb and flow

You will even know when it's time to eat crow!

©  Mark Gorkin  2015

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Perspective on the Poem, Power to the Poet

I key component of working through loss and grief often involves engaging and harnessing rage and hostility.  This dynamic often raises its head when you feel manipulated, put down, overrun, or victimized by another; attributing the flash of feeling to perceived injustice, insult, and/or invasion…and there's no recourse other than "letting go."  And, most surprising, being "powerless" does not necessarily mean being "helpless."  I'm allowing myself to more gradually feel and sit with these emotional charged states of aggression before engaging an antagonist.  I'm doing a psychic scan:  are past hurts confounding present heat?

Also vital…acknowledging the loss of "fair or reasonable world" expectations.  It is unrealistic to think I can control another adult's behavior (and detrimental to want to, other than protecting my own boundaries, preserving self-integrity, and building healthier relationships).  I can express or assert my needs and desires, but must learn to accept that others may not subscribe to my vison or values; many will choose not to walk "the word artist" path.

Finally, grief not only helps us regulate anger with others, but enables us to more gently own our flaws and failings.  In the game of life, a deeper and wiser sadness sometimes can even trump or dampen those raw and raspy as well as shrill-shaming voices.

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Discussion Questions

1.  Why is growling and howling often a vital part of truly "letting go?"

2.  What might be some benefits of "studying that which is foul" and "stewing in (your) woes"?

3.  What does the phrase "grief ghosts" conjure?  What images and ideas?

4.  What does it take to "strive high" and "embrace failure?"  What might be some benefits of embracing contradiction?

5.  Have you ever "learned to fight another day" or had "to eat crow"?  If so, what feelings are aroused at first, then over time?

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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Going Off Script: The Art and Craft of Startling Presentation-Performance – Part I

In a Plenary, the Stress Doc analyzes going from presentation to unanticipated improvisation with startling effect.  Grasp and wield “off script” concepts, tools, and techniques for more “surprising” and engaging communication and powerfully inspiring presentations – whether in a conference hall, boardroom, and classroom, as well as in a team meeting, on the work floor, or during a family meeting in the living room.

Going Off Script:  The Art and Craft of Startling Presentation-Performance by Analyzing an Improvised “Power Struggle” Exercise – Part I

Last week, reviewing a Power Point Slide with a group of Agency Executives, Community Advocates, Allied and Mental Health Professionals, Educators, etc., a voice from my subconscious cried, “Just do it!”  (And I’m more a New Balance, cross-trainer kind of guy.)  This subterranean echo occurred during my “Practice Safe Stress” Plenary Speaker presentation at the Virginia/Statewide Refugee Mental Health Summit.  At the time, I was highlighting key items from the “Heart of Letting Go,” such as “Necessary/Universal Life Stage Loss” (death, breakup, downsizing, illness, mind-body mobility, moving away, etc.) and “Existential Loss” (when your sense of identity and meaning in/of the world is disrupted or turned upside down; of course, there may be overlap among loss categories).  Waxing poetic with “Power Struggles” (issues of loss of control and/or pride, status/turf wars, anger, letting go, etc.), nonetheless, my ambient radar was operational.  Picking up on body language, eye focus, and quiet in the room, I sensed the audience was captivated by the “loss and power” subject.  And suddenly a Nike moment:  “I’m going off script.  Let’s try an exercise.”

The Power of Surprise

The atmosphere definitely shifts; there’s a restlessness, an uncertainty:  “Where is this guy taking us?”  I quickly have the group break into forty pairs:  “Find an eyeball partner.”  And for this mini role-play, the quintessential power struggle:  one person declares, “You can’t make me!”  The other counters with, “Oh yes I can!”  And both are thinking about someone “who is or has been a pain in your butt!”  (Hopefully, someone other than their exercise counterpart. ;-)  After a brief, back and forth verbal volley, each participant is instructed to “Say what you’d really like to say” to the antagonist inside your head.  I won’t go into all the details; suffice to say, the room exploded with a mix of genuine-playful aggression, focused interaction, exaggerated body language and gesturing, (I don’t recall if anyone, in this audience leapt from their chair), verbal buzzing, as well as an uproar of laughter.  The room was alive with engagement electricity!

And, apparently, this motivational juice had staying power.  As Dr. Eva Stitt, Summit Coordinator, noted in her post-conference testimonial:  Thank you so much for inspiring our participants with your wit and humor as well as helping set the tone for the rest of the day.

Drive Time Reflection and…Aha!

The drive home from Richmond, VA, enabled the reliving of the sudden shift from poignant presentation to playfully out-rage-ous group exercise/interpersonal confrontation.  While this “power struggle” exercise usually charges an audience, there was something about its surprise introduction and energy-focus transition that amplified “the sound and the fury”…and the FUN!  It was as if we were all on a vital edge.

And then, thirty-six hours later, the real epiphany hit…waking me in the middle of the night:  the “off script” maneuvering was not really unprecedented; for me, a strategy of surprise is hardly random.  While this time spontaneous, mentally scanning the years, Stress Doc ™ “mirth and madness” programs have always featured “surprising” if not purposefully jolting elements, invariably spicing “motivation and method.”

Six Stage-Three Variable Analysis of “Surprising” Dynamic

Let’s examine this surprise dynamic:  as a speaker or workshop leader there are numerous ways to be “surprisingly provocative” and “provocatively surprising,” that is, from the French, provocare, to awaken the mind and arouse curiosity.  Roget’s Thesaurus lists three main verb synonyms for “surprise”:  astonish, take by surprise, and attack, as in surprise attack.  Disrupting expectations and mindsets is a good base for productively shaking-up a learning setting and heightening audience attention.  Not surprisingly, defying expectations while dramatically intensifying (“on the edge of their seat”) anticipation impacts individual curiosity and concentration as well as group energy, engagement, and process.

To illustrate this “unpredictable” or “bolt from the blue” force-field, consider this breakdown of the ”Presentation to Improvisation Transition,” that is, from highlighting a PPt Slide to suddenly enacting the “You Can’t Make Me” Power Struggle Exercise.  More specifically, this analysis will examine “Six Presentation-Performance Transition Stages.”  These are:

1.  Speaker as Expert, Audience as Listeners

2.  Speaker as Observer, Audience as Learners

3.  Speaker as Disrupter, Audience as Uncertain Partners

4.  Speaker as Director, Audience as Actors

5.  Speaker as Facilitator/Debriefer, Audience as More Cohesive Collective

6.  Speaker as Role Model, Audience as Future Adaptors.

And each of the “Six Stages” will be illuminated by examining three variables:  “Atmosphere & Energy,” “Role/Status Positioning,” and “Get FIT – FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking – Group Process.”

Transition Shift:  Going from Presentation to Improvisation

Highlighting key items from the “Heart of Letting Go” Power Point Slide, especially the power struggle item, I sensed the audience was captivated.  Trusting that inner voice and gut…I shook up the speaker-audience energy, roles and relationships, along with the group process.  Here is the Six Stage-Three Variable Analysis of the Evolving – “Before-During-After” – Presentation-Performance Dynamics:

1.  Speaker as Expert, Audience as Listeners

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  quiet attentiveness; audience had been previously engaged in opening group exercise; we are presently

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  during this stage of the program, I am the Expert, the audience are Learners; may be perceived as a Leader-Follower or Superior-Subordinate relationship

c.  Get FIT – FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking – Group Process:  I am the Initiator, projecting ideas and energy to the Audience, who (at least theoretically) are Receivers; while people seem engaged, this can be one-way, Active-Passive information exchange

2.  Speaker as Observer, Audience as Learners

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  audience’s rapt silence begins to speak volumes; we are at a “turning point”; when people are on the edge of their seat, it’s easier to move them in a new direction.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  scanning the room, aware of the undivided attention; I’m more keenly absorbing audience signs – alert body language, eye focus, and quiet in the room.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  now an internal voice gives me a sign; I need to stop talking, to shift away from Lecture-Educator to the role of Interactive Facilitator; I quickly announce, “I’m going off script.”

3.  Speaker as Disrupter, Audience as Uncertain Partners

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  catching folks off-guard, the announcement stirs up the room, breaking the one-way, Expert-Listener flow; amidst the group murmuring, the unspoken question:  “what’s happening now?” or “where is he taking us?”; I move to a more central place in the conference room, outside the conventional podium “lecture space”; the pending Passive/Receptive to Active/Interactive shift is already impacting the audience’s sense of anticipation and control.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  unease is also generated because the audience is in limbo, not sure what roles and rules, instructions and expected behaviors will follow; some may feel disoriented.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  during this undefined transition, it’s not just physical position that undergoes change, but speaker role as well, from Educator to Leader; in addition, suddenly stopping the lecture may not only be confusing, some will feel frustrated by the rupture or lack of closure; in the room, there’s often an increased sense of vulnerability that, paradoxically, heightens both unease as well as excitement; the question of group trust in the leader will be put to the test.

4.  Speaker as Director, Audience as Actors

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  once announcing the looming power struggle exercise, the buzz gets even louder; and when I say, “find an eyeball partner,” and explain the intra- and interpersonal parameters (“thinking of someone who’s a pain in your butt,” and then instruct the pairs to aggressively or passive-aggressively declare (or whine/tease), “You can’t make me!” (Person A) or “Oh yes I can!” (Person B)...well, the room is getting ready to “act out”; now, decibel levels are skyrocketing with buzzing and laughter (nervous and otherwise), especially when after a brief standard volley, folks are encouraged to “say what you’d really like to say”; also, recalling that “pain in the butt” and the related painful or conflicted interaction just may ratchet up a role-player’s performance angst:  do I want to release all this pent up emotion?; how much of me should I reveal?; in this public setting, can I manage venting or will I lose control?

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  clearly there’s been a profound shift:  instead of all eyes on me, they are focused on their counterpart; each audience member has been turned into a symbolic adversary; and the individual’s mental space has been purposely segmented into past (pain) and present (role-play partner).

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  and once the starting gun sounds, very quickly “the room is alive with the sound of manic!”  However, there is no panic.  Structured surprise (as in an unexpected group exercise) increases uncertainty.  However, the same medium, through clear guidelines and rules, (e.g., “no getting out of your chair”) as well as brief, supervised timelines, also provides for improvisational relief and release.  Each player has the opportunity to step outside of conventional roles and relationships, take on a provocative personae, and express frustration and assert control in a purposefully-playfully absurd manner.  And within each role-play dyad, the risky yet safe interaction along with the informal, post-power struggle discussion, frequently leads to some intimate sharing and trust-building.

5.  Speaker as Facilitator/Debriefer, Audience as More Cohesive Collective

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  now, through the exercise, all in the room have shared a common experience; the aftermath of playful-aggressive energy, venting and laughter is palpable; in fact, some don’t want the exercise to end, battling through the call for closure.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  refocusing the group by acknowledging the heightened energy in the room, returning to Lecture as Debrief-mode, I now underscore key learning points:  1) a person can quickly get into a “power struggle” framework, yet not have an ego so wrapped up in winning, 2) though a game, the back and forth verbal volleying often feels somewhat real:  we don’t like people telling us what to do; in addition, many carry around past hurts or frustration with others, 3) it feels good to let out these feelings in a safe setting and in an aggressive yet playful and measured manner, 4) such an exchange can facilitate some post-power struggle “feedback” intimacy, and 5) finally, the response to the exercise was pretty universal despite our many shades of diversity.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  after hitting the highlights, another decision must be made…and quickly:  the “You Can’t Make Me” exercise lends itself to the presentation of a number of conceptual and applied tools and techniques for disarming “power struggles.”  My favorite, for example, asking trust-building “good questions.”  But, alas, I inform the group that we’ll have to get together another time to explore further the communication-conflict skills arena.  However, this transition is a great segue into the next interactive experience, the “Heart of Letting Go” Exercise.  And this upcoming exercise is more poignant than playful, asking people to reflect upon and share how issues of loss, change, and letting go impact their work with refugee clients.  Clearly, we continue to climb an exercise ladder that progressively increases attendee vulnerability, risk of disclosure, as well as social-collegial intimacy.

6.  Speaker as Role Model, Audience as Future Adaptors

a.  Atmosphere & Energy:  if the power struggle exercise was surprising, my closing number can only be called shocking.  The whole program, I suspect, but especially my out-rage-ous close, performing a “Shrink Rap” ™ (more in Part II), motivated a young woman to approach during a break.  She shared her way of being outrageous and startling people:  normally serious and somewhat shy, she has taken up skydiving!  Friends and colleagues are amazed.

b.  Role/Status Positioning:  I believe numbers in the room viewed me as a role model, both for my style – insightful yet playful, outrageous, high energy orchestra leader, helping others bring out their best music – and substance – conceptual and interactive tools and techniques, especially on stress resilience, burnout, and loss/letting go.  Folks seemed to need and want an infusion of ideas and inspiration from a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™, a leader also facilitating peer-to-peer sharing and energy transfusion.  Again, as Dr. Eva Stitt, Summit Coordinator, noted in her afore-referenced post-conference testimonial:  I believe you have felt their response – how much they enjoyed it, as well as how much they need it, so they can effectively carry out their job of helping others.  The strength of our initiative depends on these people who champion our cause for refugee mental health.

c.  Get FIT Group Process:  my goal is to educate and entertain, perhaps to inspire; to provide an experience that can excite and fortify program attendees and help them share our collective energy and enlightenment with others – from clients to colleagues.  Consider these two testimonials:  one from the Refugee Summit and the other from the 2015 University of Maryland's Diabetes/Endocrinology Center's Managing Diabetes Conference:

Jul 9, 2016

HI Mark,

It was a pleasure spending time with you and I really appreciated your presentation. I will discuss your presentation with our trainers.  I will keep in touch,

Deborah  C. Moore, RN, BSN, MPH
Nurse Manager II, Senior
deborah.moore@vdh.virginia.gov

Hampton-Peninsula Health Department
3130 Victoria  Blvd., Hampton, VA, 23661
Office (757)315-3779
416 J Clyde Morris Blvd., Newport News, VA 23601
Office (757)594-7903

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University of Maryland's Diabetes/Endocrinology Center's Managing Diabetes Conference; 100 + Allied Health Professionals; 1.5 hrs

Practice Safe Stress:  Stress and Change Resilience through Humor

Mar 12, 2015

Hi Mark-

Great presentation. It really inspired me to improve my own presentation skills and brainstorm with my coworkers how to make our diabetes education classes more fun.

Best Regards,

Alison Massye

Alison Massey MS, RD, LDN, CDE
Director of Diabetes Education, Mercy Medical Center
250 N. Calvert Street Baltimore, MD 21202
amassey@mdmercy.com
P: (410) 659-2833

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Closing Concept:  From Aha to Haha!

Finally, there is a micro-surprising dynamic within the macro-surprising transition and process.  And that dynamic mix involves humor and wit.  As Mark Twain, acclaimed author and humorist, noted:  Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.  And according to William Shakespeare, the master of verbal presentation and performance:  Brevity is the soul of wit.  One of the staples for evoking laughter is surprising an audience, quickly defying their expectations, tickling them in a slightly sensitive area, i.e., before they can block the punchline, having them acknowledge, while still saving face, their own flaws and foibles.  Or poking fun at myself by using self-effacing humor, e.g., the old saw, Vanity thy name is Gorkin!  Okay, as a “healing humorist” I also may generically poke surprising fun at unnamed others.  For example, one of my brain-body stress symptoms is the “jaw-dropping” TMJ:  Too Many Jerks!  Remember, people are less defensive and more open to a serious message gift-wrapped with humor.

On a personal note, one of the best compliments as a speaker was from a Training/OD colleague who stated:  Mark, I’ve never known anyone who can take an audience from the serious to the humorous and then quickly take them back again.  So learn to ebb and flow with that surprising comic-tragic connection.  All I can say is, Amen and Women, to that!

Closing Summary

Part I of “Going Off Script” employs a six stage-three variable analysis of the evolving – “before-during-after” – dynamics of a Plenary Speaking Program.  More specifically, an outline format highlights how the Doc transitions himself and an audience, shifting from straight forward presentation to unanticipated improvisation…with startling effect.  Through the three-pronged lens of “Atmosphere & Energy,” “Role/Status Positioning,” and “Get FIT Group Process,” the essay illustrates “off script” concepts, communication tools, and interactive techniques for more “surprising” – on the edge engaging and powerful – presentations.

While this essay examined one Interactive Exercise, Part II of “Going Off Script” will capture a number of Stress Doc exercises and other communicational tools and techniques for startling, awakening, and motivating an audience.  Encourage a large community or small group to interact with you and each other.  Playfully yet purposefully broaden a transformation-inspiration horizon by shaking up the presentation landscape and mindscape.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

"Inspiring" Refugee Health Plenary, Preserving Human Touch… Review and Selections: Stress Doc Potpourri

I have mostly been finishing up my next Amazon e-book, Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love:  Through Resiliency Poetry and Shrink Rap ™.  Hopefully, it will be published sometime in August.  It’s definitely a book from the heart, initiated by pain and loss, yet on the path of healing and hope.

In between, I led a couple of speaking/workshop programs, one for a Lutheran Ministry and, just this past Thursday, a Plenary at a Refugee Summit in Richmond, Virginia.  Both programs got rave reviews.  Let me share the latest testimonials:

Statewide Refugee Mental Health Summit/Richmond, VA; Practice Safe Stress: Using Humor in the Face of Stress, Burnout, and Conflict -- Plenary Speaker; 1 hour; 75 attendees

Jul 8, 2016

MG,

Thank you so much for inspiring our participants in the 3rd Statewide Refugee Mental Health Summit with your wit and humor as well as helping set the tone for the rest of the day.  Your topic Practice Safe Stress: Using Humor in the Face of Stress, Burnout and Conflict was just the right choice.  I believe you have felt their response -- how much they enjoyed it, as well as how much they need it, so they can effectively carry out their job of helping others.  The strength of our initiative depends on these people who champion our cause for refugee mental health. I can’t thank you enough for coming to be our plenary speaker.

Sincerely,

Eva

Eva  P. Stitt, Ph.D.
Refugee Mental Health Analyst
Virginia Department of Behavioral Health and Development Services
Office of Cultural and Linguistic Competence
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HI Mark,

It was a pleasure spending time with you and I really appreciated your presentation. I will discuss your presentation with our trainers.  I will keep in touch,

Deborah  C. Moore, RN, BSN, MPH
Nurse Manager II, Senior
deborah.moore@vdh.virginia.gov

Hampton-Peninsula  Health Department
3130 Victoria  Blvd., Hampton, VA, 23661
Office (757)315-3779
416 J Clyde Morris Blvd., Newport News, VA 23601
Office (757)594-7903

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Preserving Human Touch… E-book on Amazon:  Synopsis, Review, and Two Selections

Of course, I’m still promoting my new Amazon e-offering, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World:  Writings, Raps & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency, Burnout Recovery, and Digital Sanity.  While certainly not a runaway best-seller, sales continue apace, with six five-star reviews!  Embracing the path of shameless marketing, here are two selections from PHT…:  a) a Q & A written for Workforce Magazine, Workforce Q & A:  Seven Highly Effective Habits of Trust-Expanding Organizations, and b) in light of all the recent shootings, a Resiliency Rap on a tragedy in the workplace:  “Learning from the Fatal Flaw.”

Here’s a brief synopsis and a thought-provoking review:

Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World...

Is Live on Amazon/Kindle:

Writings, Raps & Rhymes on Stress Resiliency, Burnout Recovery, and Digital Sanity – a Passionate and Playful Mix of Meaning and Magic...and Burnout Battlefield Experience!

Check out the Amazon e-book as well as the provocative cover; please consider reading/reviewing.  Nice price:  $3.99!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GIPXVH4/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

Synopsis:  An insightful and inspiring guide for self-discovery and heart-to-heart connection, Preserving Human Touch... is the painful, playful, and soulful outpouring of a one-of-a-kind – stage and page – "word artist."  For example, Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc ™, is pioneering the field of psychologically humorous "rap music," calling it, of course, – Shrink Rap ™ Productions!  (Would you expect any less from a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™?)  Whether poetry or prose, purposeful or poignant, the language is colorful yet clear – a tapestry of meaningful substance and magical style.  This ingenious synthesis is best captured by the “Stress Doc’s” ™ quest to be the Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages). 

Or as a recent mystery reader of Preserving Human Touch...commented in an Amazon review:

Powerful Stuff!  The StressDoc goes poetic!! For years, Mark Gorkin has been mixing laughter, learning, and lucidity (the Three L's!) in tackling the tough issues of stress manifestations in human encounters. In this wise e-book, Mark applies his considerable poetic talents to diagnose and propose remedies for our love-hate relationship with ever more invasive technology. Ranging from on-the-job burnout to adolescent cellphone fixations, Mark's lyrics strike home at the funny bone, while using his psychological savvy to suggest ways in which we can reassert Mastery over the Machine. It's a unique twist on the self-help book, perfect for those crazy enough to be reading work emails at four o'clock in the morning.

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Workforce Q & A:  Seven Highly Effective Habits of Trust-Expanding Organizations

Q.  Dear Workforce:  How do we repair broken trust? As a facilitator of leadership training, I know trust underlies a foundation of success. But what practical fixes does this entail?

--Trust Deficit, HR training analyst, Colorado Springs, Colorado

A.  In this time of organizational restructuring, rapid operational-technological change and economic uncertainty rebuilding trust is definitely a challenging and not uncommon task.  However, all levels of management can take the lead in this rebuilding process if they follow some basic principles and key strategic steps.  Much of my thinking has been influenced by The Speed of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything, 2006, a book written by Stephen M. R. Covey, the son of the renowned organizational guru and author, Stephen Covey.  In fact, for the son, the foundation of successful leadership is achieving results in a way that inspires trust.  There’s an atmosphere of transparency and two-way communication, and employees believe their talents and efforts are contributing to the present and future success of the company.  A final leadership core practice:  leaders take more than their fair share of blame and give more than their fair share of credit.  Or, as was noted in The Speed of Trust:  when things go well look out the window; when things go wrong look in the mirror!

With the above framework, and the assumption that there has been some recent loss of trust, here are “Seven Strategic Steps for Rebuilding Organizational Trust”:

1.  Hold a Focus Group.  One of the best ways to begin a healing and trust building process is a meeting, or a series of meetings, that allow people to appropriately share their concerns or vent frustrations about people or processes that have contributed to a destabilizing or trust-eroding organizational atmosphere or culture.  Of course, you need a skilled and objective facilitator.  When employees see that management doesn’t get defensive during this exchange and acknowledges broad concerns, participates in a genuine give and take and, in timely fashion, takes meaningful problem-solving steps, trust levels begin to rise.

2.  Acknowledge “Hidden Agendas.”  When possible, “speak the unspeakable,” that is, bring up the 800 lb. gorilla in the room.  Being transparent doesn’t mean you have to put everything on the table, but certainly share appropriate information about problematic issues or about what is and is not in your immediate control, along with what information you do and don’t have.  (These last two issues are particularly salient when there are rumors about a possible restructuring or downsizing.)

3.  Talk Straight and Ask Good Questions.  Try to get to the point without too much digression or over-explanation as this diminishes your credibility with an audience.  When possible do some preparation; precision of language commands attention.  If this is an issue, what keeps you from talking straight – fear of consequences or being wrong, fear of hurting others, wanting to be liked, a duplicitous environment, etc.?  Conversely, ask good questions.  The essence of a good question: a) humility:  “I don’t have all the answers” and b) openness:  “I really would like to hear and learn from your point of view.”  Remember, when a person is communicating with high emotion, he or she likely still feels misunderstood.

4.  Don’t Bad Mouth Others Behind Their Back, Especially Folks No Longer in the Company.  All “behind the back” talk does is fuel employee mistrust:  “What do (or will) people say about me when I’m not around (or when I retire)?”  And if people are talking negatively about a current employee, encourage people to talk directly with the person; offer to mediate (or to find a mediator) when appropriate.

5.  Don’t Overpromise and Under Deliver; Keep Your Commitments.  As I like to say, beware of being motivated by egoals, that is, when your goals are driven less by the needs, demands, resources and challenges of a situation and more by ego and false pride.  Remember, as Covey notes, when you make a commitment you build hope; when you keep a commitment you build trust!

6.  Create a Learning-Trust Building Culture.  In addition to acknowledging a personal mistake in a timely manner, when possible view errors as less a sign of incompetence and more an indicator of inexperience or some immaturity, maybe even boldness.

7.  Extend Trust.  Design rules and procedures for the overwhelming majority of people you can trust.  Grant trust abundantly to those who’ve earned it; extend conditionally to those earning it, while examining the situation, the risk potential and the credibility – for Covey, the competence and character – of those involved for more opportunities to extend trust.

Hopefully, these principles and strategic practices will rejuvenate a climate of trust in your shop and will help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!

(c)  Mark Gorkin  2010
Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Learning from the Fatal Flaw

In light of another school (or workplace) shooting…

As a Critical Incident Consultant, I’m poignantly aware how unexpected dramas and tragedies lurk behind every corner and crevice of our hearts and minds…and also lie in the shadows of our homes, schools, and places of work.  Out of the quiet, out of The Death of a Salesman closet, Arthur Miller screams:  Attention must be paid!  And sometimes we must risk trusting our gut, risk “overreacting” and being mislabeled, and say something to the right someone…or be the right someone!

Learning from the Fatal Flaw

Did she really take her life over a phone?

Taken from a colleague…now all’s undone!

One woman dead, one torn apart

Guilt spears a throbbing heart

Regret for filing that stolen report

Who is at fault?  Who is at fault?  Who is at fault?

Can one grasp obscure knowledge

On the all too human fatal edge?

To get on the same page, one must leave a stage

Masked by “got it together” pain and rage.

Even with the latest gauge, who knows faux-taupe from beige?

Who is a sage?  Who is a sage?  Who is a sage?

Yet a friend sensed her look, a fearful absent look.

Still her head stayed by the book…

Why didn’t she speak up?

Neither one trusted their gut

“Don’t be a pain in the butt!”

So we doubt?  So we doubt?  So we doubt?

Do we pass in the hall and nod

In a hazy-distant fog

And mouth, “How you doing?”…

But only reminiscing; more simply whistling

Who has time for real listening?

Do your thing?  Do your thing?  Do your thing?

Now so sad; maybe wiser:  are we respecting one another?

Whatever happened to “sister” and “brother”?

Wide-eyed to foreign experience

Energized by expressive variance

Growing through world view deviance.

Will you dance?  Will you dance?  Will you dance?

Is it too risky to share

Without some faith in the air?

Of course, you can’t flip a switch, still

Pull one from a ditch; let another bitch…

The sky’s not falling – more a glitch.

For a culture to be rich, offer a broad-shouldered niche.

Hey, it’s “get real” or be a bust:

Now they might trust!  Now they might trust!  Now they might trust!

© Mark Gorkin  2014

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Purpose of the Poem, Power to the Poet

The poem traces the psychological steps and missteps of a workplace tragedy.  When reporting a colleague – a colleague struggling with well-disguised personal issues – has fatal consequences, there are searing emotional repercussions:  guilt, second-guessing, the questioning of motives, etc.  Even superficial civility comes under scrutiny.  Can “sadder yet wiser” translate into “sister and brother”?  Finally, some ideas for grappling with the refrains of “Who is at fault?,” “Who is a sage?,” “So we doubt,” “Do your thing,” and “Will you dance?”  Most important are closing strategies with “trust”-building potential.

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Discussion Questions

1.  Have you ever taken an action with which you’ve had regret?  Have you faced your emotions and/or the other person(s)?  What did you learn from the experience?

2.  Have you ever sensed someone being in pain or trouble and not spoken up?  What contributed to your silence?

3.  In a submarine study on problem-solving, it was found that the most diverse groups invariably came up with most creative problem-solving solutions.  Why might this be the case?

4.  How would you create a more trusting climate in a classroom or with a team?

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.