Anger! That double-edged power source. It's the high octane emotion for blazing performance and for igniting a legitimate grievance. Yet, when it's bottled up we smolder away; when we erupt it may engulf us. And, when we are the target of a volatile flamethrower, there will be scars. (Gorkin, Mark, "Anger or Aggression: Confronting the Passionate Edge," Legal Assistant Today, Winter 1986)
It took many years of therapy, work as a therapist, as well as a Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant with the US Postal Service, along with some historic verbal “knock down” battles with my father and a few edgy exchanges with my mother, to overcome a deeply socialized fear of “being” (if not “going”) MAD! (Email for personal family history.) Learning how to overcome personal shame towards or fear of my own anger, even more than fearing another’s hostility or wrath is, without doubt, a defining achievement. And, of course, being more comfortable expressing this charged emotion – passionately yet constructively – being able to defend or assert my integrity and space without demeaning (as a rule) even an antagonist, is its own reward. And finally, recognizing being human; on occasion losing control of my anger expression, or turning anger into a hostile retort when feeling threatened or put down, or in a win-lose competition. But now, instead of denying or being ashamed of my personal transgression, I work hard to acknowledge it, approach the offended party, apologize for whatever toxin I spread…and then restate my anger in a more clean and authentic manner! Very rarely is anger swallowed, unless making a reasoned judgment; the amount of suppression in my first few decades is enough to last a lifetime.
So here is the beginning of a poetic series based on life lessons learned, and my book of the same name: The Four Faces of Anger – Model and Method: Transforming Anger, Rage and Conflict. Peace!
Mark
The Four Faces of Anger can be purchased as an e-book from my website – www.stressdoc.com; email stressdoc@aol.com for an article on the “Four Faces.”
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The Four Faces of Anger: A Poetic Paradigm
What’s the first thought upon reading “ANGER”?
Yelling, explosion, perhaps even danger!
For me, these words paint a red-hot bull
When “anger” is both half-empty and half-full.
Conflict resolution…determination
Anger may be a “get real” declaration.
So why does anger evoke fear or worse?
Alas, too many are anger averse.
Why so quick to think mostly negative?
Likely due to one’s family perspective.
At home…safe to express angry feelings?
Or were you at risk to be sent reeling?
Was direct anger labeled “mad or bad?”
You let them get to you…so very “sad.”
Better to smolder, and then get em back:
Chance for revenge…worth a heart attack!
Was healthy anger mistaken for rude?
Perhaps much safer to be “Obscure Jude?”
Cultural bias between tough and tender?:
I’ll go make war; you learn to surrender!
Most anger expression seems quite regressive –
Intimidation to passive-aggressive.
There is a model that can light the way
That gives more options than just “Make my day!”
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Anger’s not one-dimension
Is this a surprise?
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
What is your intention?
Is your eye on the prize?
Here’s the “Four Faces Model of Anger”
None of the “Faces” is likely a stranger.
A mix of body language, tone, and word choice
Reveal substance and style of any voice.
At the Model’s base, the “Four Angry ‘I’s” –
Mind-body arousal and your personal “Why?”s:
Perceived “Injustice” or “Injury”
A real blow to you, a mere insult to me.
Next comes “Invasion,” a threat to one’s space –
Not just physical, as much loss of face.
Last, the “Intention” to redress these “I”s…
By being up front to e-missile replies!
Now for the Model’s two basic dimensions:
Sender intent and skill of transmission.
What is your aim and how much control?
Is there some balance between heart and skull?
What is the angered party’s motivation –
“Constructive or Destructive” anger expression?
Is anger thoughtful or more impetuous –
To wit, “Purposeful” or “Spontaneous?”
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Aggression is vital
Do not buy their lies
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Either direct or subtle (but beware the hostile)
Better than chronic sighs!
A “2 x 2” Model captured in rhyme:
“The Four Faces of Anger Paradigm.”
Ready to play the “Four Faces Game?”
Can you assign a useful “Face”-Box name?
Face-Box No. 1: Purposeful-Constructive?
Face-Box No. 2: Purposeful-Destructive?
Face-Box No. 3: Spontaneous-Constructive?
Face-Box No. 4: Spontaneous-Destructive?
Four Faces of Anger Matrix
For
me, Box No. 1 equals “Assertion”
Using “I” messages when you are hurtin.
Not “You are so wrong” but “I disagree.”
No need to explode to speak forcefully!
Don’t
count to ten…and then yell, You Bozo!Using “I” messages when you are hurtin.
Not “You are so wrong” but “I disagree.”
No need to explode to speak forcefully!
Forget “shoot from the lip”…there’s power in slow.
“At the end of my rope; I’m not being heard…
Without give and take, not one other word.”
A time out seems wise; a chance to reflect…
Time to work out this new pain in my neck. ;-)
If still banging heads…no end to frustration
There's mediation...or even migration.
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Embrace “Assertion”
Do not fear asking “Why?”
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Civil confrontation
No more sheep gal or guy!
Box No. 2 comprises “Hostility”
From blaming “You”s to pent-up passivity.
Not just declaring, “You low-life jerk,” but
Undermining another’s hard-earned work.
“I forgot the report for which you had asked
Okay, three times…well I’m just overtasked.
If you had to work in this kind of zoo
You’d look out for #1 just like I do!”
Another way to spot “the hostile” –
Polite criticism veiled with a smile.
Behind the cool mask – smart mouth and callous
Is one who smolders when they are jealous!
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
“Hostile” opposition…
Set boundaries with poise
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Sometimes rejection
A blessing in disguise!
No. 3 may surprise…I call it “Passion”
Think of an “s”-word…defy assumptions.
Forget about “sex”…ponder “suffering”
Do Jesus and “Passion Play” provide a ring?
Sufferings of Jesus or of a “martyr”…
(An icon of “passion” – my Jewish mother!)
Passion, of course, may well fire a spark
Think of that brave soul, Miss Rosa Parks.
With vital “passion” blaze through self-doubt
The opposite, oddly, of job burnout, yet
Passion inspires – ideals and knowledge
Just don’t let it drive you over the edge…
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Fight for your “Passion”
Question old ties
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Don’t lose your vision
By flying sky high!
For there is Box 4, Destructive “Rage”
Rational anger has fled the stage.
Sure you’re outraged by injustice spread wide, but
Dangerous “Rage” exposes injured pride.
Seemingly trapped in a “no exit” cage
A wounded animal…another gage.
Or feeling helpless; deadened desire
Nothing left to lose…a last burst of fire!
A blow to one’s status in a key role
Old screaming voices appear in control.
Add one more excuse to substance ill-use:
A ticking fuse for self-other abuse.
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Know that blind “Rage”
Conceals anguished cries
Angry Faces and Angry “I”s
Get on the same page
With one who is wise!
And for the next “Resiliency Rap”
To defuse a hostile or enraged time bomb
With “purposeful passion” and some aplomb!
© Mark Gorkin 2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The
Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker,
is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist &
Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN
programs for both government agencies and major corporations. The Doc is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an
international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group. He has also led “Resilience, Team Building
and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services. Mark, a
former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is
the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice
Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his
award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite"
– www.stressdoc.com
– called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on
the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free
e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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