Discovering & Declaring Your Genuine Voice: Lessons for Any Age or Stage – Part I

Can you really Discover Your Voice at Any Age?  Actually, that’s the title of my upcoming guest presentation for the Baltimore Universalist Unitarian Congregation.  This question of “finding your voice,” has been on my brain’s front burner for several decades.  What does it mean to “find your voice?”  And what happened that we lost it in the first (or last, or anywhere in between) place?  And, most important, how can we recover, uncover, or discover it?

Clearly, a voice can evolve or dissolve at different ages and stages of life.  (And what about the possibility of having multiple or multi-layered voices?)  Mine has had its fair share of “highs and lows,” as well as mute phases…and vocal-verbal-verse mutations.  But first, what does it mean to “find your voice” as an adult, especially when having grown up in a walking on eggshells, “Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel” environment?  (DTDTDF is a mantra of the 12-step ACoAlcoholics/Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families program.)  Of course, one can lose their voice in a codependent relationship, especially when sensitive to rejection or abandonment feelings.  We often feel stifled in a “my way or the highway” workplace, especially when questioning our own worth. Or, doubting our ability to break out of “prison” and find a healthier, financially viable alternative…we become resigned and passive.  Conversely, frequent yelling and screaming is rarely a sign of an authentic adult voice; actually, just the opposite:  we are often caught up in a feeling of helplessness and/or humiliation, i.e., childhood/child-like fits of rage.

Defining the Foundation and Discovering the Fountains of Voice

Finding and evolving your authentic voice means being able and willing to identify and purposefully and spontaneously convey in words, images, body movement, etc., honest feelings and memories, ideas and beliefs.  Speaking of images and body movement, one might say that Voice, Vision & Identity interchangeably frolic together and feed off each other in, au naturelle, Matisse-like “Dance of Life” fashion.  Voice, especially, feeds off vision and identity:  a new or expanding self-image potentially frees up self-expressive breadth and depth.  Hopefully, it's an expansion in self-other understanding, not just self-aggrandizement.   For example, once I envisioned the concept of Shrink Rap ™, psychologically humorous – IMHO, en-light-ening – rap offerings began pouring out.

When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped.
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette!

(More on the early '90s discovery process in Part II.)  And finally, authentic voice is ever a work in progress, calling on practice, perspective, and, sometimes, patience.  For example, raw honesty without some empathy often reveals more hostility than humanity.

Voice discovery-recovery also involves substance, style, and timing of self-expression, including choosing silence for a time.  Having a vital voice may be fueled by healthy and mature anger; you are not afraid to be “TnT”:  Tough n’ Tender!  Such a voice, without apology, can admit not being sure, yet still be determined to articulate, intuit, or speculate.  “I’m not really clear on this, but right now I must trust my gut and think out loud, to put my cards on the table.”  (And, naturally, you choose which “word cards” to play.)  And your intuition or argument does not have to hold up in a court of law (unless, of course, you actually are on the witness stand).  Finally, having an authentic voice means being open to another’s authentic voice, with the understanding that, “Acknowledgement does not necessarily mean Agreement!”

Now, without further ado (or psychobabble) …Well, almost:  P.S.  Having a real, strong-vulnerable voice, if it means anything, surely involves an ability to poke good-natured fun at one’s own flaws and foibles!

The Stress Doc’s Finding Your Voice Lessons – Skills and Strategies:

1.  Confront Your Intimate FOE.  Projecting your voice involves speaking up, even when feeling anxious.  Don’t wait until you have your thoughts and feelings all figured/sorted out.  For example, have you ever presented an “in progress” idea or hypothesis, and a listener chooses to pounce – discrediting your “finished product” – with “constructive criticism?”  Trust me, this reveals more about his or her temperament (and need to control the spotlight, or a perceived state of threat or envy) than the merit of your viewpoint.

Recovering a genuine voice as an adult begins with “Confronting Your Intimate FOE”:  Fear of Exposure.  If psychiatrist, Ernst Kris, is right, what was once feared and is now mastered, is laughed at, then risking intimate or, at least, more open and self-accepting engagement, just may transform this FOE into a friend – by embracing the Fun of Embarrassment!  And, according to the Stress Doc ™, if not a friend, perhaps a defanged FOE:  What was once feared and is now laughed at…is no longer a master!

2.  Playing with a Child.  Reconnect to and revive early childhood voices by playing with a child.  Of course, when such rediscovery also evokes painful “lost voice” memories, this may be daunting.  Then again, it’s a TIFO moment – Transformational Intimate FOE Opportunity.  Playing with my ex’s three-year-old granddaughter led to a whole new voice arena – writing children’s songs.  For example, Charlotte and I loved to play hide-and-seek.  Somehow, I paired the tune of “Frere Jacques” to my own “h & s” lyrics…and “Where Is Charlotte” was born:

Where is Charlotte? Where is Charlotte?

I’ll find you, I’ll find you?

Is she hiding in the closet?

Is she underneath the blanket?

No, she’s not!  No, she’s not!

I don’t need to tell you how much she loved the eponymous ditty.  (And, of course, you can substitute any child’s name.  In fact, I have created a “Where Is Charlotte” Power Point Slide Song.  (Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.)

3.  Try Poetry and Pictures.  Akin to playing with a youngster, reread Dr. Seuss, or any favorite childhood book – with a child or simply by yourself!  I especially like Dr. Seuss’ vivid imagery and rhythms and rhymes.  Think of the evocative power of Martin Luther King’s speeches.  My versified orations are hardly so Olympian, still, they do capture attention…and, on occasion, tickle a funny bone.  Consider these boundary-setting yet voice-stretching mantras:

A firm “No” a day keeps the ulcers away, and the hostilities, too!

Do know your limits and don’t limit your “No”s.

One of my favorite workshop exercises is having small groups identify and discuss the sources of daily stress and conflict…and then come up with a group picture that captures the collective stress storm.  Vivid “group art therapy” examples include:  mindless sheep jumping off a cliff and burnout fires raging through a building, dinosaurs stalking a plant with employees scattering in fear and sinking ships surrounded by sharks.  And while the follow-up “show and tell” is filled with knowing laughter, along with the opportunity to risk more candid expression, something else vital is evolving.  Seeing that management can handle the visual and oral critique heightens employee motivation and trust.  Folks are more ready to get down to work on the problems and issues depicted.

A good way to cultivate and test out a voice:  be a little larger and louder, more rhythmic, colorful, and vivid than life!  And now discover that your evolving voice, unlike in childhood or in that dysfunctional relationship, is no longer immediately throttled or stifled.

4.  Be Out-Rage-ous.  While healthy anger can fuel and fire a purposeful and passionate voice, try adding a touch of the provocative and playful to transform “outrage” into the “out-Rage-ous.”  (FYI, “provocative” comes from the French, provocare, to awaken the mind, to arouse curiosity.)  For example, one of the “Three ‘B” Stress Doc ™ Stress Barometer Smoke Signals”:  my take on TMJ – Too Many Jerks!  Or, what do you think of this Psychohumorist ™ lyric?  (And, naturally, when performing live, I let the audience decide where the emphasis on the word “Psychohumorist” goes.)  It’s the closing two stanzas from an early Shrink Rap ™ – “The Self-Righteous Rap”:

And for those who demean with, "Grow up, act your age"
Here's some advice that's worthy of a sage.
While only young once, it's true, however,
You intend to be immature forever.

So, if life's a soap opera: "As the Head Swells"
No need to be walking on those ego shells.
When the righteous start ranting they're all of a kind
The bigger the ego, the smaller the mind!

© Mark Gorkin 1992
Shrink Rap Productions

Pursue “the call of the wild.”  Of course, be prepared for “civilized” pushback.

5.  It’s a Digital World.  Clearly this new digital world allows for unprecedented levels of personal self-expression.  Alas, more quantity than quality, I’m afraid.  And, yes, some attempts at being “out-Rage-ous” leave me “outraged.”  The opposite of courage:  Digital anonymity that facilitates cyberbullying or hostility.  Of course, I have outraged more than a few readers, especially when adding “psycho-political parody” to my “Psychohumorist” ™ Voice.

However, digital technology often compresses one’s focus.  For example, the impact of having to read text on smart phone screens is palpable:  too long = so long!  At least to me, it seems obvious that our text- and social media-driven culture is diminishing attention span and self-reflection.  Along with the dramatic tilt in the balance between the visual and verbal (e.g., computer graphics vs. characterization and plot), a new Stress Doc voice has had to emerge.  Of course, sometimes kicking and screaming.  But eventually, this digital Psychohumorist defers to “The Bard.”  As Shakespeare noted:  Brevity is the soul of wit.  So, I continue to refine a pithy yet passionate, poetic and aphoristic voice, as captured by my “KISS” and “MISS” mantras:

Keep It Short and Smart:  Seek the Higher Power of Stress Doc Humor:  May the Farce Be with You!

Make It Sassy and Surprising: Recovering from Burnout:  Breaking Out of a Hell of a Shell or Don’t Feel Too Sorry for Humpty Dumpty…He Needed to Hit Bottom!

Well, I haven’t quite hit bottom…there are five more steps and strategies for bringing out that true voice.  Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  Current Leadership Coach/Training Consultant for the international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University at the Daytona, FL headquarters.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  Presently Mark does Critical Incident Debriefing for organizational/corporate clients of Business Health Services.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.