Grieving the Sudden Death of a Beloved Mentor, Manager, and "Man for All Seasons"

Hi,

My Grief Intervention work continues. I believe there is much to learn being with people whose world has been tragically turned upside down. I hope I have done justice to their pain and plight.

Of course, if I can help you deal with personal or organizational loss, through on-site grief intervention, workshops or retreats on loss, change and grief, or through one-on-one phone or live coaching, please email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567. Peace.

Mark
------------------------

The Stress Doc captures the shock, sadness, and synergy of a Group Grief Intervention. A poignant vignette illuminates thoughts on the ebb and flow nature of grieving. Purposeful group process reveals both how individuals can soulfully empower themselves while the collective sustains the spirit of a recently deceased beloved friend, colleague, and leader.

Grieving the Sudden Death of a Beloved Mentor, Manager, and "Man for All Seasons"

The sudden and as yet inexplicable death of a 35 year old manager of a hospital research department left his colleagues, understandably, in a state of shock and confusion, truly feeling at a loss. When he did not show up to work or respond to a call on Monday, two colleagues went to his house. They called the police when he wouldn’t answer the door or his phone…alas, he had died over the weekend. What made the tragedy so inconceivable was that Paul, (a fictional name), was “Mr. Health” – he ran regularly and ate very healthfully (avocado salads every day for lunch). Heck, a few months earlier, he had hiked mountains in Nepal. Adding to the confusion, there was no immediate cause of death. Adding to the poignancy, I’ve never encountered a manager so universally admired and appreciated, no, I’ll say it, so loved by his staff.

Not surprisingly, in the three Grief Intervention groups that I facilitated on the same day, people were at different states of readiness to share thoughts and especially their emotions. In fact, several people chose to attend more than one group, progressively enabling a state of shock to evolve into tearful expression. Naturally, another differentiating factor in terms of emotional reactivity (or feeling numb) was the colleague’s length of service in the research department. Paul had been in the department fifteen years; his long-time colleagues seemed particularly bereft. However, younger colleagues, especially the recent graduates from school, seemed to especially esteem Paul’s patience and non-judgmental stance with their learning curve errors and abundance of “dumb questions”; he “never talked down” to them.

Group Process: The Beginning – Shock and Sadness

As noted, there were three one-hour grief groups that people could choose to attend. Most attended one or two groups. Three senior colleagues, who worked intimately with Paul, decided to complete a work project rather than attend a group. They acknowledged not being ready to talk.

The first group began in stunned silence; then, cautiously, a few people began to share their sadness. Or as likely, when one colleague haltingly mentioned what Paul had meant to him or her, another individual could no longer mask the pain. Now tears welled up or were streaming out, unable to be stemmed by dabs of a tissue. During the course of our sharing, one young woman had to run out; she was too self-conscious about her perceived emotional meltdown. A colleague who herself had been quietly crying, supportively followed her into the bathroom.

A number of the younger employees were apologetically self-conscious; not knowing Paul very long, somehow they didn’t have the right to feel as bad as their more senior colleagues. Remember, grief is rarely a logical process; definitely a more psycho-logical one. While I acknowledged the experiential difference, I highlighted an emotional-existential reality: this kind of sudden and shocking loss jogs the lid on our personal Pandora’s Box. Once the numbness or shock begins to recede, poignant if not painful memories of near and even distant losses begin percolating up from our own subterranean recesses. And in short order someone spoke of the recent death of a grandparent living in the family’s native homeland, while another individual, with watery eyes, spoke of the pressure over the last four years of caring for a chronically ill parent.

Another theme that numbers related to – both silently and verbally – was the unpredictability and fragility of life: if this could happen to Paul…it could happen to anyone! One woman shared a personal near death experience, and its legacy – truly valuing and trying to embrace her every day. Still, a pregnant woman understandably returned to life’s uncertainty and ephemeral quality.

Group Process: The Middle – The Question

The question that helped people momentarily escape their stunned, anxious, or weepy, wordless web of grief was asking folks, “What made Paul so special as a manager?” And, naturally, this question broadened into his uncommon qualities as a human being. In fact, different individuals referred to Paul as a “mentor,” “coach,” and “big brother” while one younger woman made a comparison to her “dad.” Focusing for the moment on Paul’s life, especially his quirky qualities, including his sense of humor and love of being silly, while also being a meticulously organized individual, brought out both tears of sadness and laughter. And his role of organizer, referee, and chief cheerleader of the after-hours Bocce tournament was simply the iconic icing on the cake.

One male colleague, about Paul’s age, who had been inspired by Paul to take up marathon running, after acknowledging he couldn’t wrap his mind around the tragedy, stated he would manage his emotions by focusing on the positive, the good memories. This statement triggered a “yes, and” response. I acknowledged understanding his wanting to hold onto the positives. However, life is truly yin and yang. My personal belief: to keep a person’s spirit alive inside, one must embrace both the pleasure and the pain. I likened it to two doorways – one leading to a sunlit path, the other to a dark, yet moonlit night. Each path provides its own indelible source of passion and purpose, knowledge and wisdom; yet these seeming opposites seamlessly blend to make a unified day. One must be willing, when ready, to explore both light and dark memories and emotions if seeking to engage and sustain the deceased’s whole spirit.

Grieving for Other, Grieving for Self

But I was not simply talking about reviving a beloved manager and colleague’s life-force. As terrible as this tragedy is, it holds out the possibility for each participant in the drama to reacquaint himself or herself with lingering if not alienated “grief ghosts” still wandering, if not quietly haunting, a personal heart-way and soul-way. (For my previous essay on “Transforming Ghost Carriers to Grief Warriors and Healing Guides” email stressdo@aol.com .) In other words, grieving for Paul, (actually, genuinely lamenting the loss of any significant other), enables one to further clean out psychological wounds as well as soften separation scars. With patience and endurance, the reflective nature of grief encourages a reassessment and reawakening of the impact and meaning of the hard-earned lessons of various and often “necessary” losses accumulated over the course of a life. Eventually, you may embrace and “let go” of (or, more accurately, at least not be so burdened by) hurts, holes, and humiliations that have not been sufficiently recollected and wrestled. By confronting long-standing fears and tears, shame and smoldering pain, not only does this mourning “en-lighten” our emotional load and often reduce general stress levels, e.g., letting off steam, but it seems to lower the volume of background critical voices. Forgiveness and self-acceptance now loom lower on the horizon, seemingly approachable and within grasp. However, this grief crisis moment of acute vulnerability is fleeting, especially when seeking a more introspective or “dark night of the soul” catharsis and conversion. (It’s hard for the mind-body to sustain profound disorientation for long; one way or another we need to rebuild our psychic defenses – whether through more adaptive or addictive attitudes and actions – and to regain control.)

Yet whatever the depth, duration, and dimension, multi-layered lamentation increases available energy and courage for exploring new ideas and relations, maybe even old dreams. It is truly an unexpected wellspring for learning, loving, and liberation. As Nobel-prize winning author, Albert Camus, observed: Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain. Remember, after encountering that seemingly unending swarm of demons, the last fury out of the mythological Pandora’s Box was Hope!

Group Process: The Closing – The Challenge

In yin-yang fashion we were able to complete a grief circle of sorts. I modified a favorite personal growth and team building group process tool that reaffirmed an old crisis intervention and brief therapy training maxim: endings replicate beginnings…with a twist. I now asked people not simply to recall the things about Paul that were most memorable or admirable. No, drawing on his essence as a role model and well-rounded "Renaissance Man," I encouraged people to select one quality of his that “touched you most deeply, to choose an admired attribute or behavior that you would like to make more of your own.” I will summarize concisely here, for if I tried to recapture each person’s poignant body of words and powerful body language, who knows where and when this essay would end.

The individuals responded, with poise and passion. With each person’s pronounced intention, pieces of Paul’s spirit, soulful seeds to be planted and nurtured, hovered portentously in the room. Objectives and plans included:
a) being more patient,
b) getting to know colleagues as individuals
c) sharing silliness with others, especially to soften criticism
d) reduce over talking; like Paul, try to succinctly capture the core or essence of an issue
e) being tolerant of other people “dumb” questions, actually being more tolerant in general
f) getting better organized, without having to reach Paul’s level of meticulousness
g) eating healthier (resisting that Big Mac) and living a more healthy lifestyle
h) staying calmer when under pressure
i) a senior person, who acknowledged occasionally having friendly disagreements with Paul’s orderliness, drew on a religious inspiration. She would be expanding her four-word reflection mantra; along with, “What would Jesus do?” there now would be, “What would Paulie do?” (And, I quipped, “Hopefully the two will not be in conflict too often.)

Upon completing our “go round,” I returned to the personal and transpersonal potential of our group process. However, before providing a closing reflection, the obvious was acknowledged: “Clearly, Paul cannot be replicated or replaced! Still, by accepting this experiment [remember, these are researchers] you have potentially put in motion something special. By cultivating a part of his essence not only would you be giving yourself an empowering gift, but as a collective you are helping to strengthen, to ‘keep alive’ symbolically Paul’s spiritual presence in the department and the team.”

Terminal Thoughts

Finally, other ways of memorializing Paul, beyond the formal hospital-wide service were mentioned: a scrapbook, planting of trees or something reflecting his love of nature and the outdoors, a Bocce tournament award in his name, etc. I encouraged management to allow all levels of employees to actively participate in this remembrance planning process.

I will likely return to the hospital in the next few days, meeting again in groups and, for those interested, having individual grief sessions. My hope is that I have given nearly as much as I have received as an “intimate outsider” in this painful and poignant, yet also pregnant with possibility, and, ultimately, chaotic, outrageous, humbling, and inexplicable slice of life and death. My closing mantra: Grieve, Let Go and Inspire Flow!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides

[If you do not wish to receive my free mailings, email stressdoc@aol.com ]

Hi,

Here's a Workplace Griefbusting program I've just developed, a spinoff from the original essay –

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/

The essay and program were partly inspired by recent Critical Incident-Grief Intervention Consulting after a popular employee died in a head-on collision driving to work. I appreciate your comments/critique on the program’s viability, marketability, etc. Feel free to share with any parties that might be interested. Please email or call 301-875-2567 if interested in scheduling a program. Best wishes and good adventures.

Mark

P.S. Reader comments about the Workplace Griefbusting concept appear below:
-----------------------------------

Program Synopsis: Overview, Critical Issues, Steps, and Objectives

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

In a 24/7 world that’s forever reorganizing, upgrading, and streamlining, employees and organizations are caught up in a cycle of change, loss of control, as well as mission and morale undermining uncertainty…but change and crisis also generate challenge and opportunity. However, many are not prepared to “let go and launch” because they are anchored down. One familiar anchor is the draining state of physical and emotional “burnout.” However, another burdensome weight, not as obvious, is the Stress Doc’s ™ newly conceived “burn-in.” This covert condition involves lingering and reverberating grief from recent and past losses – whether from deaths and divorces, growing up in (substance) abusing families, jolted by on-the-job trauma, or stunned by an unexpected RIF, foreclosure, major illness, or natural disaster. Burn-in sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. Yet many are leery of entering the dark and deep labyrinth of grief, afraid of discovering a shadowy monster within, or that the spewing of tears, once unleashed, will never end. And combined with the cultural message “don’t look back; just move on,” not surprisingly, this hulking, smoldering ghost is often barely recognized in a “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world.

What Happens When “Grief Ghosts” Walk and Stalk Your Office Halls and Work Floors?

Not unlike an undetected computer virus, many bring this psychic specter to work every day. Ghostly burn-in's energy-wasting and consuming dynamic not only flies under our psychological radar but, not surprisingly, often escapes rational understanding. Limited awareness has definite consequences for our physical and emotional well-being, as well as for the health and harmony of our essential social-work groups and systems. And akin to “burnout,” carrying around heavy grief ghosts, that is, quietly aching from chronic “burn-in”:

1) disrupts productive concentration, encourages apathy, self-doubt, and cynicism; it may trigger volatility and defensiveness and also be physically and emotionally draining,
2) contaminates the ability to manage conflict constructively with authority figures and colleagues as well as customers (not to mention family members),
3) interferes with the capacity to form and sustain effective “hi task-hi touch-hi tolerance” relationships, especially vital in today’s diverse workplace,
4) “ghost carriers” often become “stress carriers” and “time wasters,” distracting themselves through gossip and by getting into other people’s business.
5) will eventually compromise confidence, productive performance, and team cooperation-coordination, as well as undermine morale and respect for leadership, and
6) as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant with the USPS, my gut and experience tells me that a good percentage of workers, whatever the work setting, who “go postal” (or who harm themselves through suicidal behavior or sometimes early heart attacks or strokes) may well be grappling with inner demons and ghosts.

How Can Organizations and Companies Tackle this Disruptive Phantom?

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, The Stress Doc ™, is an acclaimed expert-consultant-speaker-retreat leader on crisis intervention, stress, grief, and burnout and the author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout and Depression, The Doc will deliver and facilitate a high energy, thought-provoking, interactive, inspiring, and FUN program or an OD Workplace Grief-Ghost Assessment and Consultation to help you understand the parallel connections between “burnout” and “burn-in” and enable your workplace to transform “Chronic Ghost Carriers into Productive Grief Warriors” if not Graceful and Wise Grief Guides.” Workplace Griefbusting is especially critical in disorienting times of major personal or organizational change. Consider these critical steps:

1. Do early “grief ghost” detection through preventive and preemptive orientation, coaching, team building, and training,
2. Is it time for a healing and harmonizing Griefbuster to walk your office halls, work floors, and warehouses, perhaps participate in workplace-family events?,
3. Add a Griefbusting supplement to an EAP, Cognitive-Behavioral Health, or Employee Wellness Program, and
4. Self-transform (or help others convert) lingering, loitering, lashing out, and long-lasting ghosts into vital energy as well as passionate (and compassionate) purpose and productive action through living, learning, loving, and liberating grief; remember, the longer the lingering ghost walks alone, isolated, unrecognized, denied, dismissed, or shunned, the heavier the emotional toll and loitering fine.
5. And the Stress Doc’s use of humor and playful-purposeful exercises helps reduce the fear and stigma of talking about grief and ghosts. As the Doc penned: People are more open to a serious message that’s gift-wrapped with humor!

Program Objectives

Here are the “Top Ten Concepts and Skills, Tools and Strategies for Transforming Haunting Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides.” For take back to workplace and home, participants will interactively discover and discuss, design and explore:

 The Parallel Four Stages of Burnout and the Newly Conceived Ghostly Burn-in
 The Impact of Lingering Grief and Four Types of “Grief Ghosts” Stalking Your Workplace
 Six “F’s for Dealing with Every-day and Existential Loss and Change
 Ways of Tactfully and Empathically Approaching Both a Person in Grief and a Ghost Carrier
 Two Common Cultural Barriers to “Timely” Griefbusting
 Four Kinds of Grief Processes to Transform the Haunting into the Healing
 An Array of Specific Methods of Meaningful Mourning and “Letting Go and Launching”
 Familiar and Non-Traditional Griefbusting Remembrances for “Memory, Mourning, and Mirth”
 The Research-based Four “C”s of Psychological Hardiness (esp. in Times of Transition)
 The Path of Chronic Ghost Carrier to Productive Grief Warrior to Graceful and Wise Grief Guide

So seek the higher power of Stress Doc humor: May the Farce Be with You!

Don’t miss your appointment with the Stress Doc!!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant, working both independently and as a “Senior Critical Incident & Training Consultant” with the national firm, Behavioral Health Services. He provides "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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Program Notes

Hi,

I had an epiphany early one morning while in that twilight state, a follow up to my recent essay on Workplace Griefbusting. (Here’s the link to the original essay: http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/ .) I have tried to capture my understanding in a 2-page mini-article/workshop outline-objective promotional piece. It's pasted below. (Eventually I will need to shorten it to program blurb size; the longer piece helps lay out my business case.) Basically, I'm seeing a yin-yang connection between the stages of burnout (my "Four Stages of Burnout" essay has been acclaimed and published extensively) and the burden of carrying chronic grief ghosts.

My intent is to be more metaphorical and psycho-spiritual than literal regarding spectral notions. Please don’t take my experience having inspiring conversations and vexing head and heart battles with a deceased's voice and internalized essence for the "real" thing, that is, a belief in actual ghosts. (I will leave that argument to others.) For me, the notion that children are not just shaped by positive and negative messages from significant others, but that they also internalize (unconsciously take on) the negative and positive emotions and self-images that these vital and meaningful others have about themselves, is mind blowing enough. That is, for example, our parent’s or grandparent’s shame or confidence (or lack thereof) unwittingly becomes part of our own sense of self and degree of self-esteem. We are an active and receptive player in a family drama, whether we want to be or not. Consider a recent observation: “The more I hear a person declare, ‘The last person I’ll ever be like is my old man,’ the surer I am of a haunted psyche.”

I believe “Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting” can be a transformational program for people and organizations, for communities and our society as a whole. Any and all ideas for improving the concept and/or spreading the word are encouraged and appreciated.

As always, your support means a great deal. Best wishes and good adventures.

Mark
--------------------------------------

Readers’ Responses

Hello again, Mark!

As far as your "Griefbusters" concept, you have presented some compelling reasons for business to pay attention to their workforce of "ghost carriers." I particularly liked your statement..."potentially turn the haunting into the healing – transforming lingering, loitering, and long-lasting ghosts into living, learning, and liberating grief." I believe that so beautifully gets to the "heart" of it all.

If we were able to measure the lost productivity due to this phenomenon, I suppose it would shore up our national debt quite nicely. Far more important to our country and our world is the loss of creativity, contentment, grace, and happiness of the human spirit. I wonder what numbers we would come up with THAT measurement?

My only feedback other than loving it is to devise some clever marketing - since loss is the bottom line for everyone in the end, it would help if we could all understand how to become ghost warriors instead of ghost carriers!

My sincere best,

Rita
Rita Avinger, Ph.D., SPHR

[I loved Rita's final marketing mantra: how to become ghost warriors instead of ghost carriers!
A former head of a Leadership Development Institute, Rita is planning to start her own Consulting Firm.]
----------------------

Mark,

Wow! This is really great work you have done. Our own company recently lost prominent coworkers to suicide; this is our second suicide in a 2 year period. Both were very well liked males with multiple small children left behind. Your work in this area is so valuable in my opinion. I also believe that encouraging and working with an employer’s current EAP program is critical and brings to light the resources that are readily available yet sadly underused. I will work with Mike on incorporating this resource into our picture for clients (& our employees as well)! I will also pass this on to our HR Director and encourage him to consider.


Again, great work! You are such a good soul Mark and your never ending commitment to helping mankind deal with the many psych issues we share today as a "TNT"society is incredibly valuable.

I am proud to know you Doc,

Jenny

[J. is a Vice President, Corporate Health & Productivity, at a major insurance company]
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David Creelman has sent you a message.
Date: 2/09/2012

Mark,

A few quick thoughts

1) "I don't want to think about this" -- which means I want someone who has thought about it available at a moment's notice when I need it.

2) Besides grief tied to a specific tragedy I expect that the stress people feel in organizations sometimes goes beyond stress and is better described as grief.

3) My typical view of a grief counselor is someone almost sanctimonious; I think you bring a different, more palatable angle to this.

David

dcreelman@creelmanresearch.com

[David does writing, research and speaking on the most critical issues in human capital management. He was part of the start-up of the mega-site HR.com]
----------------

Here's my response to David:

Thanks for the insightful comments, esp. # 1. I think I need to consider that as another possible interpretation.

I do think immediate stress (whether significantly acute or the final straw) may well trigger that lingering, underlying grief.

And, yes, with all the uncertainty, loss and rapid change, people are at a loss or longing for a way of operating that seems to be flying by; not only loss of control but of confidence.

And I'm glad I don't come across as too solemn or sanctimonious. I'll leave that to the...!
-----------------------------

Hey traveler,

Can't say I have much to add. This is good and useful stuff. I think you can turn it into a major offering, not only for seminars and part of large conferences but also be the one they call in a tough situation immediately after an event. (or you contact them--like Micron re CEO death.)

Avi

[Avi Azrieli is a former corporate lawyer now writing novels, including his most recent, Christmas for Joshua]
------------------------

Marilyn replied to your discussion "Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors" in Human Resources on GovLoop - Social Network for Government

I have many times thought there should be individuals whose jobs it is to focus on employee wellness. There is a lot of talk about it, but instead they assign it as a collateral duty and usually to someone that doesn't have time or inclination to do anything. I would love the job myself since I take it on myself to try to keep people active and healthy.

[Marilyn and I have begun an exchange; we are discussing my helping to facilitate a Singles Retreat in Austin, TX in the fall.]
-------------------

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Guides: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

[If you do not wish to receive my free mailings, email stressdoc@aol.com ]

Hi,

Here's a Workplace Griefbusting program I've just developed, a spinoff from the original essay –

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/

The essay and program were partly inspired by recent Critical Incident-Grief Intervention Consulting after a popular employee died in a head-on collision driving to work. I appreciate your comments/critique on the program’s viability, marketability, etc. Feel free to share with any parties that might be interested. Please email or call 301-875-2567 if interested in scheduling a program. Best wishes and good adventures.

Mark

P.S. Reader comments about the Workplace Griefbusting concept appear below:
-----------------------------------

Program Synopsis: Overview, Critical Issues, Steps, and Objectives

Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides:
Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

In a 24/7 world that’s forever reorganizing, upgrading, and streamlining, employees and organizations are caught up in a cycle of change, loss of control, as well as mission and morale undermining uncertainty…but change and crisis also generate challenge and opportunity. However, many are not prepared to “let go and launch” because they are anchored down. One familiar anchor is the draining state of physical and emotional “burnout.” However, another burdensome weight, not as obvious, is the Stress Doc’s ™ newly conceived “burn-in.” This covert condition involves lingering and reverberating grief from recent and past losses – whether from deaths and divorces, growing up in (substance) abusing families, jolted by on-the-job trauma, or stunned by an unexpected RIF, foreclosure, major illness, or natural disaster. Burn-in sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. Yet many are leery of entering the dark and deep labyrinth of grief, afraid of discovering a shadowy monster within, or that the spewing of tears, once unleashed, will never end. And combined with the cultural message “don’t look back; just move on,” not surprisingly, this hulking, smoldering ghost is often barely recognized in a “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world.

What Happens When “Grief Ghosts” Walk and Stalk Your Office Halls and Work Floors?

Not unlike an undetected computer virus, many bring this psychic specter to work every day. Ghostly burn-in's energy-wasting and consuming dynamic not only flies under our psychological radar but, not surprisingly, often escapes rational understanding. Limited awareness has definite consequences for our physical and emotional well-being, as well as for the health and harmony of our essential social-work groups and systems. And akin to “burnout,” carrying around heavy grief ghosts, that is, quietly aching from chronic “burn-in”:

1) disrupts productive concentration, encourages apathy, self-doubt, and cynicism; it may trigger volatility and defensiveness and also be physically and emotionally draining,
2) contaminates the ability to manage conflict constructively with authority figures and colleagues as well as customers (not to mention family members),
3) interferes with the capacity to form and sustain effective “hi task-hi touch-hi tolerance” relationships, especially vital in today’s diverse workplace,
4) “ghost carriers” often become “stress carriers” and “time wasters,” distracting themselves through gossip and by getting into other people’s business.
5) will eventually compromise confidence, productive performance, and team cooperation-coordination, as well as undermine morale and respect for leadership, and
6) as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant with the USPS, my gut and experience tells me that a good percentage of workers, whatever the work setting, who “go postal” (or who harm themselves through suicidal behavior or sometimes early heart attacks or strokes) may well be grappling with inner demons and ghosts.

How Can Organizations and Companies Tackle this Disruptive Phantom?

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, The Stress Doc ™, is an acclaimed expert-consultant-speaker-retreat leader on crisis intervention, stress, grief, and burnout and the author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout and Depression, The Doc will deliver and facilitate a high energy, thought-provoking, interactive, inspiring, and FUN program or an OD Workplace Grief-Ghost Assessment and Consultation to help you understand the parallel connections between “burnout” and “burn-in” and enable your workplace to transform “Chronic Ghost Carriers into Productive Grief Warriors” if not Graceful and Wise Grief Guides.” Workplace Griefbusting is especially critical in disorienting times of major personal or organizational change. Consider these critical steps:

1. Do early “grief ghost” detection through preventive and preemptive orientation, coaching, team building, and training,
2. Is it time for a healing and harmonizing Griefbuster to walk your office halls, work floors, and warehouses, perhaps participate in workplace-family events?,
3. Add a Griefbusting supplement to an EAP, Cognitive-Behavioral Health, or Employee Wellness Program, and
4. Self-transform (or help others convert) lingering, loitering, lashing out, and long-lasting ghosts into vital energy as well as passionate (and compassionate) purpose and productive action through living, learning, loving, and liberating grief; remember, the longer the lingering ghost walks alone, isolated, unrecognized, denied, dismissed, or shunned, the heavier the emotional toll and loitering fine.
5. And the Stress Doc’s use of humor and playful-purposeful exercises helps reduce the fear and stigma of talking about grief and ghosts. As the Doc penned: People are more open to a serious message that’s gift-wrapped with humor!

Program Objectives

Here are the “Top Ten Concepts and Skills, Tools and Strategies for Transforming Haunting Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides.” For take back to workplace and home, participants will interactively discover and discuss, design and explore:

 The Parallel Four Stages of Burnout and the Newly Conceived Ghostly Burn-in
 The Impact of Lingering Grief and Four Types of “Grief Ghosts” Stalking Your Workplace
 Six “F’s for Dealing with Every-day and Existential Loss and Change
 Ways of Tactfully and Empathically Approaching Both a Person in Grief and a Ghost Carrier
 Two Common Cultural Barriers to “Timely” Griefbusting
 Four Kinds of Grief Processes to Transform the Haunting into the Healing
 An Array of Specific Methods of Meaningful Mourning and “Letting Go and Launching”
 Familiar and Non-Traditional Griefbusting Remembrances for “Memory, Mourning, and Mirth”
 The Research-based Four “C”s of Psychological Hardiness (esp. in Times of Transition)
 The Path of Chronic Ghost Carrier to Productive Grief Warrior to Graceful and Wise Grief Guide

So seek the higher power of Stress Doc humor: May the Farce Be with You!

Don’t miss your appointment with the Stress Doc!!em>

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant, working both independently and as a “Senior Critical Incident & Training Consultant” with the national firm, Behavioral Health Services. He provides "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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Program Notes

Hi,

I had an epiphany early one morning while in that twilight state, a follow up to my recent essay on Workplace Griefbusting. (Here’s the link to the original essay: http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/ .) I have tried to capture my understanding in a 2-page mini-article/workshop outline-objective promotional piece. It's pasted below. (Eventually I will need to shorten it to program blurb size; the longer piece helps lay out my business case.) Basically, I'm seeing a yin-yang connection between the stages of burnout (my "Four Stages of Burnout" essay has been acclaimed and published extensively) and the burden of carrying chronic grief ghosts.

My intent is to be more metaphorical and psycho-spiritual than literal regarding spectral notions. Please don’t take my experience having inspiring conversations and vexing head and heart battles with a deceased's voice and internalized essence for the "real" thing, that is, a belief in actual ghosts. (I will leave that argument to others.) For me, the notion that children are not just shaped by positive and negative messages from significant others, but that they also internalize (unconsciously take on) the negative and positive emotions and self-images that these vital and meaningful others have about themselves, is mind blowing enough. That is, for example, our parent’s or grandparent’s shame or confidence (or lack thereof) unwittingly becomes part of our own sense of self and degree of self-esteem. We are an active and receptive player in a family drama, whether we want to be or not. Consider a recent observation: “The more I hear a person declare, ‘The last person I’ll ever be like is my old man,’ the surer I am of a haunted psyche.”

I believe “Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors and Healing Guides: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting” can be a transformational program for people and organizations, for communities and our society as a whole. Any and all ideas for improving the concept and/or spreading the word are encouraged and appreciated.

As always, your support means a great deal. Best wishes and good adventures.

Mark
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Readers’ Responses

Hello again, Mark!

As far as your "Griefbusters" concept, you have presented some compelling reasons for business to pay attention to their workforce of "ghost carriers." I particularly liked your statement..."potentially turn the haunting into the healing – transforming lingering, loitering, and long-lasting ghosts into living, learning, and liberating grief." I believe that so beautifully gets to the "heart" of it all.

If we were able to measure the lost productivity due to this phenomenon, I suppose it would shore up our national debt quite nicely. Far more important to our country and our world is the loss of creativity, contentment, grace, and happiness of the human spirit. I wonder what numbers we would come up with THAT measurement?

My only feedback other than loving it is to devise some clever marketing - since loss is the bottom line for everyone in the end, it would help if we could all understand how to become ghost warriors instead of ghost carriers!

My sincere best,

Rita
Rita Avinger, Ph.D., SPHR

[I loved Rita's final marketing mantra: how to become ghost warriors instead of ghost carriers!
A former head of a Leadership Development Institute, Rita is planning to start her own Consulting Firm.]
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Mark,

Wow! This is really great work you have done. Our own company recently lost prominent coworkers to suicide; this is our second suicide in a 2 year period. Both were very well liked males with multiple small children left behind. Your work in this area is so valuable in my opinion. I also believe that encouraging and working with an employer’s current EAP program is critical and brings to light the resources that are readily available yet sadly underused. I will work with Mike on incorporating this resource into our picture for clients (& our employees as well)! I will also pass this on to our HR Director and encourage him to consider.


Again, great work! You are such a good soul Mark and your never ending commitment to helping mankind deal with the many psych issues we share today as a "TNT"society is incredibly valuable.

I am proud to know you Doc,

Jenny

[J. is a Vice President, Corporate Health & Productivity, at a major insurance company]
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David Creelman has sent you a message.
Date: 2/09/2012

Mark,

A few quick thoughts

1) "I don't want to think about this" -- which means I want someone who has thought about it available at a moment's notice when I need it.

2) Besides grief tied to a specific tragedy I expect that the stress people feel in organizations sometimes goes beyond stress and is better described as grief.

3) My typical view of a grief counselor is someone almost sanctimonious; I think you bring a different, more palatable angle to this.

David

dcreelman@creelmanresearch.com

[David does writing, research and speaking on the most critical issues in human capital management. He was part of the start-up of the mega-site HR.com]
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Here's my response to David:

Thanks for the insightful comments, esp. # 1. I think I need to consider that as another possible interpretation.

I do think immediate stress (whether significantly acute or the final straw) may well trigger that lingering, underlying grief.

And, yes, with all the uncertainty, loss and rapid change, people are at a loss or longing for a way of operating that seems to be flying by; not only loss of control but of confidence.

And I'm glad I don't come across as too solemn or sanctimonious. I'll leave that to the...!
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Hey traveler,

Can't say I have much to add. This is good and useful stuff. I think you can turn it into a major offering, not only for seminars and part of large conferences but also be the one they call in a tough situation immediately after an event. (or you contact them--like Micron re CEO death.)

Avi

[Avi Azrieli is a former corporate lawyer now writing novels, including his most recent, Christmas for Joshua]
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Marilyn replied to your discussion "Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors" in Human Resources on GovLoop - Social Network for Government

I have many times thought there should be individuals whose jobs it is to focus on employee wellness. There is a lot of talk about it, but instead they assign it as a collateral duty and usually to someone that doesn't have time or inclination to do anything. I would love the job myself since I take it on myself to try to keep people active and healthy.

[Marilyn and I have begun an exchange; we are discussing my helping to facilitate a Singles Retreat in Austin, TX in the fall.]
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Transforming Workplace Ghost Carriers into Grief Warriors: Strengthening Employee Health and Productivity through Workplace Griefbusting

Hi,

Well, here's the latest mindblast. It's a concept that I think has real relevance for many organizations, including the military. The title: "Bringing Productive Griefbusting to the Workplace: Transforming the Cost of Grief Carriers and Grief Ghosts on Your Mission, Morale, and Bottom Line." It's a bit wide-ranging and maybe rambling. Still, I think it has some valuable concepts and, I think, some of my best writing. Would love your ideas, especially the practicality of instituting such a program in the workplace.

Thanks,

Mark
stressdoc@aol.com

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P.S. Here's a brief note from the consulting firm for whom I did the grief intervention:

Hi Mark,

"Things have stabilized at the County. I am still waiting to hear back regarding the proposed Grief/Loss training series. As soon as I hear back, I will be sure to keep you posted regarding any training opportunities for this group. I know that if they decide to schedule the series, they would prefer you to return."

SK
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Once again I’m reminded of how lingering grief sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls; and yet this hulking ghost is often barely recognized in a “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world. Actually, this psychic specter has the potential to both trigger volatility and be emotionally draining; its energy-consuming presence not only flies under our psychological radar but, not surprisingly, often escapes rational understanding. Limited awareness has definite consequences for our physical and emotional well-being, as well as for the health and harmony of our essential social groups and systems – for example, a capacity to form and sustain effective “hi task-hi touch-hi tolerance” relationships, especially vital in today’s diverse workplace. Preoccupying ghost-like grief, especially if outside conscious awareness, invariably contaminates the ability to manage conflict constructively with authority figures and colleagues as well as customers. Also, people who are “ghost carriers” often become “stress carriers” and “time wasters,” distracting themselves by getting into other people’s business. Persistent grief will eventually compromise productive performance and team cooperation-coordination. (And as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant with the USPS, my gut and experience tells me that a good percentage of workers who “go postal” are likely grappling with inner demons and ghosts.) How can organizations and companies address this disruptive phantom? Can you do early detection through preventive orientation? Maybe it’s time for a Griefbuster to walk your office halls, work floors, and warehouses or, at least, to supplement an EAP or Employee Wellness Program.

Let me provide some background on a recent tragedy which evoked an immediate sense of loss for all personnel in the workplace. However, ironically, for untold numbers, I suspect, the most powerful disturbance involved mostly muffled emotional echoes from both the recent and distant past. One morning I received a call from an Employee Assistance Program/Organizational Consulting firm. Could I respond to a same day Critical Incident/Stress Debriefing at a county agency? An employee driving to work had been instantly killed in a head-on collision with a large truck that crossed the roadway dividing line. Tom (all names are fictional) was a very popular employee whose line of work brought him in direct contact with many fellow employees. Most tragically, Tom was in his mid-30s; he and his wife had two young boys with whom Tom was exceptionally close. Employees invariably cited the close-knit nature of the family and, especially, Tom’s love of coaching his boys in various sporting activities. Tom’s brother (Joe) presently works for the same county agency. (Not surprisingly, during my abbreviated “tour of duty” Joe was with his extended family.)

Stress Doc as Grief Counselor

My two-day role as “Grief Counselor” was multi-pronged: a) initially, briefly addressing the entire staff, affirming the naturalness of being in shock or feeling numb, angry, confused, helpless, or sad; there is no one way to grieve and no way of predicting when and how feelings might come out – whether as a trickle or a rushing stream, b) sitting with stunned groups of people, encouraging sharing or silent reflection, whatever the preference, including informally sitting down with Tom’s work crew, (at least with those not opting for management’s offer of administrative leave), c) meeting with the Director and Senior Management to help them process their emotions and discuss ways to best approach and support their personnel; also the Director solicited my ideas for his imminent call to Tom’s grieving widow, d) formally meeting with Tom’s brother’s work crew, to help these self-described “macho” big-equipment drivers and operators not only acknowledge their grief emotions but to solicit their questions and ideas how best to relate to Joe when he returns to work, and e) to meet privately with individual employees who wanted one-on-one counseling.

With my opening paragraph regarding the unacknowledged yet palpable presence for many of “unfinished grief,” a section of this essay will focus on grief role e), that is, how my individual meetings brought to light various employees’ “ghosts of grief.” Parenthetically, I must add that when it comes to significant loss, grief is never finished or resolved, nor, from my perspective, should it be. I will elaborate on this shortly. However, right now, I want to spotlight two grief points that emerged from my discussions with: a) the Director in anticipation of calling Tom’s wife and b) the crew regarding how to be around and engage the deceased’s brother, Joe. Actually, these points begin to illuminate “the connection between grief and ghosts.”

1. “What if I say the wrong thing?" In times of grief, especially involving unusual, shocking, and horrific circumstances, people, themselves feeling bewildered and bereft, often don’t know what to say to the bereaved. At the same time, most folks are uncomfortable feeling at a loss for words or overwhelmed by emotion, and want to express their shock or sorrow (both to console others as well as for their own subliminal need for stress relief). Not saying anything doesn’t seem right. Yet, in the face of this confusion and contradiction, not surprisingly, there is a near universal fear of “saying the wrong thing.” What is a concerned yet conflicted individual to do?

Three steps for appropriately sharing your grief:
a. Trust Your Gut. It’s perfectly okay to articulate what you are actually experiencing, e.g., “I’m shocked; I just don’t know what to say.” Being real is most important. It’s fine to simply be present with eyes beginning to water. In addition, nonverbal communication can be vital here: look the person in the eye, unless their behavior, for example, lowering their eyes, says otherwise. While different cultural or religious mores may establish behavioral-spatial limits, it’s usually permissible to gently touch a mourner on the arm to show your caring, connection, and support. Unless you have a close relation with the bereaved, let the latter dictate any other physical support, for example, giving a hug.
b. Be Humble. One mistake some people make when talking with an active mourner is exclaiming, “I understand what you are going through.” First of all, unless you almost literally have had a kindred, “Ground Hog Day” experience, you have not truly or painstakingly walked in the other’s shoes. And second, there’s no way to fully comprehend or intuit the array of emotions (or degree of numbing or both) of the bereaved. Some of my insight comes from having a girlfriend who lost a nineteen year old daughter in a car accident about fifteen years ago. The only person from whom she would accept the “I understand” phrase was a parent who had also lost a child. Much better to humbly and more honestly say: “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
c. Be Available. Finally, let the mourner know that you are available with an ear, shoulder, or a hug when and if they want one: “Just give me the word.” You can also ask such questions as, “Is there anything I can do?”, “Can I run an errand or cook something for you and the family?”, or “May I call or stop by in a week or so?” These offerings affirm your on-call presence while respecting the bereaved individual’s need for time and space.

2. Don’t turn the dead into a ghost. As we’ve seen, being able to acknowledge empathically a powerful loss takes sensitivity and humility. Depending on the emotional state of the bereaved, timing is also a critical factor. Take your cue from the bereaved; especially the individual’s nonverbal communication will help you assess whether she is ready to talk about herself or the deceased. However, over time, it’s important to bring up the memory of the deceased – whether you are a direct family member, a close or even casual friend, or a member of common community. For example, according to the County Agency Director, the wife of the deceased employee was having an open house. She wanted Tom’s colleagues to come by and tell stories or share memories of her husband. In yin-yang fashion, this woman seems to intuitively grasp the need for both animated tears of sadness as well as ones touched with knowing laughter for propelling us through a grief journey. As my girlfriend has mentioned numerous times, her biggest fear is that people will forget Cecily…that her daughter becomes a fading ghost instead of a living memory or vital image and a surrounding mind-body-soulful spirit. So talk about the deceased when the person in mourning is ready; it’s not a burden, it’s a blessing!

The 3 "M"s: Memory, Mourning, and Memorial

However, it’s not simply the obviously grieving individual who benefits from the sharing of memories. As a therapist who has done grief counseling over many years, for me, having the courage to periodically remember and openly mourn, if not memorialize, the loss of loved ones, both from the near and distant past, helps keep their internalized emotional presence and spiritual essence alive within a psyche and soma. And personally, this involves significant loved ones with whom I invariably have both positive and painful emotional memories. And it shouldn’t take a terrible tragedy for us to be reminded of this worldly and other-worldly wisdom.

Actually, we can learn from the military – Memorial Day and Veterans Day are institutionalized days of recall and remembrance with the potential for personal-spiritual, family, and even community renewal. (For numbers of folks, especially minorities, I suspect Martin Luther King Day serves a similar function.) And some religions and cultures are more attuned than others at reviving if not revering the spirit of one’s ancestors. Why not integrate an analogous ceremony in such normative settings as schools, religious institutions, or in workplaces, and not simply on a once-per-year basis? (Of course, I’m thinking on a deeper psychological level than inspirational posters or even a stirring speaker at a town hall-like meeting.)

Presently, though, I must confess my celebratory musings reflect a touch of the absurd, for example, what about a ritual that integrates two cultural-media icons – the Charlie Brown character and the Seinfeld sitcom? How about a “Good Grief Festivus” for the rest of us? Or what about this new vocation for the Stress Doc: as Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd decades earlier snapped up the Ghostbuster title, how about the Stress Doc as Workplace Griefbuster? (Informally, I’ve already, donned the mantle of Stressbuster.) But seriously, my recent work, again, reminds me of the widespread need to help folks engage in major psycho-spiritual reflection and transition, one that can potentially turn the haunting into the healing – transforming lingering, loitering, and long-lasting ghosts into living, learning, and liberating grief. In other words, how can we help a self-defeating ghost carrier find the courage to become a productive grief warrior?

Waking Up to Grief and Ghosts

While it has been a background awareness for many decades, it took my father’s recent death and my writing about his tortured and triumphant life and our emotionally distant, then stormy yet open and loving then, once again, distant and critical and, finally, with death hovering, some return of a mutually understanding and forgiving relationship, to more knowledgeably grasp how “grief ghosts” walk and stalk the chambers of so many minds, hearts, and souls. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for my essay of remembrance, “A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man” or click on http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/07/requiem-for-last-angry-man-sons-eulogy.html). An awareness of the extent of lingering grief was sparked by the emails received in response to my requiem. After offering much appreciated condolences, almost universally, each reader mentioned a personal loss – whether recent or distant – that was still being harbored in an uneasy, if not somewhat stormy, port of recall. And several readers envied (quite warmly, actually) my ability to track and capture that father-son rollercoaster relationship. When ready, they too wanted to embark on such an exploratory quest, to dig deep with their own evolving, hard-earned voice to unearth and embrace the ethereal mix of ghostly shadow and substance

Grief often involves the loss of a loved one (including a pet); it can also be triggered by the unexpected loss of a key position or opportunity. In response to a RIF (Reduction in Force), I recall a manager-in-training exclaiming: “I once had a career path…then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it.” Grief may be conjured by memories of a time and place or of a socio-cultural ambiance that touched one deeply and can never quite be replicated or replaced. For example, having savored the multi-layered tastes and colors, the sights, sounds, and smells, the “oddball and outcast” spirits of the Big Easy in the ‘70s and ‘80s, having come out of the creative closet during my “American in Cajun Paris” years…I genuflect at the mantra: Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans! And at least as poignant, fantasies about “childhood innocence” (or “good enough” parenting, shelter, friendships, or stability) lost through death, separation, and abandonment, or through frequent or painful uprooting from a family home, or a childhood contaminated by chronic illness, family trauma and abuse (e.g., living in a substance abusing family system)…all potentially are fertile ground for the raising and restless roaming of psychic or post-traumatic ghosts.

Lingering, Loitering and Long-lasting Grief Ghosts: Image and Impact

Before illustrating some grief counseling ghost scenarios, let me shed light on the term “grief ghost.” Basically, as a replacement for the questionable notion of “unfinished or unresolved grief” (for a significant loss, as mentioned earlier, grief should never be truly finished), a person with ghosts means the presence of three grief states:
a) a “lingering grief ghost” signals some emotional hurt or dirt in the psychic wound needs to be washed clean with tears or wind swept with reflective sighs, to be disinfected by the light of day; defensive reactivity or passivity may be a warning smoke signal,
b) a “loitering grief ghost” means that one has seemingly closed one’s head and heart, has been avoiding or numbing painful memories and emotions for a prolonged time period, and the moldy moody wound is seriously festering and distressing your functionality and health; look for signs of insecurity, apathy, or depression, and
c) a “long-lasting grief ghost” means that the memories and pain are basically locked away, never to be openly engaged. The festering wounds are sealed in by an impenetrable callous. While a person may for a time appear crusty and hard-edged, what likely will prevail is a ghostly gangrenous pallor.

The moral, however, is clear: even when seemingly a distant memory, if the loss was once significant, grief must be meaningfully embraced with palpable emotion, recollection, and mourning. (And meaningful mourning, whether alone or with others, may range from a time and space for quiet reflection or dream interpretation to an outpouring of eerily primal, animal-like wailing or engaging the pain through creative-expressive immersion, e.g., dance, painting or poetry.) Disengaged or alienated grief turns a once living and breathing, inspiring, and/or infuriating important person or emotional period in one’s life into that lingering, loitering, or long-lasting ghost. And as previously noted, the longer the lingering ghost walks alone, isolated, unrecognized, denied, dismissed, or shunned, the heavier the emotional toll and loitering fine. (Insert Hamlet’s Ghost here.)

Ghostly Voices: Haunting Ourselves, Hurting Others

And once the image and memory of a loved one fades into ghostly status, any positive life giving or affirming characteristics in that once meaningful now disconnected relationship starts drying up. That former significant other loses his or her power as a role model or psychic transfusion-motivation-inspiration source. (Alas, the negative energy and critical voices from the past are often interred in our bones and brain when not released through grieving.) Over an extended time, the loitering ghost’s critical emotional voice, while often still operating at a subterranean decibel level, gets louder and louder, gets more emotionally shrill and accusatory, especially as we encounter new work-life-family transitions, performance-role challenges, and potentially intimate relationships. The more I hear a person declare, “The last person I’ll ever be like is my old man,” the surer I am of a haunted psyche.

Remember, restless, rejected ghosts make us susceptible to dysfunctional conflict as we displace onto others old hurts and humiliations along with compensatory hubris. Ignoring the reality of being quietly consumed by past grief-personal ghosts contaminates an ability to engage and fight objectively, constructively, and, certainly, with compassion those supposedly difficult people in our present. This increasingly weighty, wearing, and wary shadowy phantom subtly yet chronically drains us of vital energy for work, play, and love. And alas, in todays “always on” and “do more with less” 3-D technology “driven-distracted-draining” world, it’s harder and harder to carve out and protect such essential grief space-time. Still, external obstacles are surely not the whole story; many are simply leery of entering the dark and deep labyrinth of grief, afraid of discovering a shadowy monster within.

Bringing Ghosts to Life: Workplace Examples

But, let us make a foray as I illustrate some recently encountered grief ghosts in my Grief Counselor role. As sketched earlier, while the employee’s tragic death was the immediate catalyst, many of the folks encountered were on what I call the emo-existential edge because of their own long-lasting, lumbering ghosts. A common yet psychologically complex and multifaceted shadow now brought to light was the ghost of stormy marital or intimate relationship past, even one of seemingly ancient history – especially when tensions and tearing down had been chronic. (And invariably, people were always surprised, and often apologetic, for their emotional eruption, complete with hot streaming tears.) Not only were many searing memories connected to the loss-divorce of a spouse or mate who invariably defied simply being loved or detested, but grief involved both the loss of one’s role and identity as a partner. And even family of origin voices – often of an all too familiar manipulative game-playing, blaming, or shaming variety – reverberated in this volatile land- and mindscape “echo-system.” Not surprisingly, this relationship rupture was frequently a shock to a person’s core self-image. When lingering and especially long-standing, festering subterranean grief collides with crisis tremors, there’s a spectral effect. Like a band of vultures, multiple ghosts circle ominously on a now haunted horizon.

Seriously debilitating health issues or the death of a parent, child, or of a grandparent, or any close relative, not periodically remembered and engaged through grief, naturally, has ghostly potential. The premature death or incapacitation of a sibling is also an emotionally charged loss. During a recent grief session, one County Supervisor spoke of a sister killed in the 9/11 World Center attack. (I would imagine the violent death of her colleague heightened the connection to her sister’s horrific demise.) She also recalled the stormy interaction and termination of a troubled marriage, its impact on the kids, as well as her decision to retrain professionally, eventually uprooting from New Jersey to take her current job in Maryland. Actually, this woman was really on the edge because just a few days before, a close friend in his late 50s died of a heart attack. And when I asked if she had anyone to talk to at work or on the outside regarding her litany of losses, she shook her head. The advice she got from most people was, “It’s time you got over it.” Clearly, her support system was on the verge of extinction; all work and little play seemed to be sowing low grade depression. I made three suggestions: a) keep grappling with the ghosts, there’s no time line for “getting over it,” b) “fight for what you need” (a mantra that she insisted would shine forth from her screensaver), and c) consider some brief EAP counseling to help with a) and b).

Cultural Clutter Undermines the Griefbuster

“It’s time…” or “Turn the page; just look forward” or “You have to move on”…common exhortations of a society and culture that doesn’t understand that the past is never really over. (And for folks with a “strong silent type” or “don’t air dirty laundry” upbringing or later socialization, who equate almost any emotional display with weakness or foolishness, you know who you are, you Rambos and Rambettes swearing by that psychic stain remover – “Grief Be Gone!”)

Actually, your life is like a book; you can build upon and use early chapters as an essential and fundamental map for life-long travels and/or see those early models and mandates as outmoded if not outrageous attempts at mind-body-spirit control. And perhaps with (occasionally without) the help of a friend, tutor, or mentor, a counselor or coach, one may recover repressed pain, rebel against the once formidable teachings and preachings (or selectively sift through the mind-field), hopefully discover your passion and develop self-discipline, and start reworking those pages into a “coming of age” novel or “one’s own genuine voice” and pathway of self-redesign. While those formative chapters are not set in stone, they still are, for better and worse, a structural – bio-psycho-social-cultural – foundation. And especially if you wish to launch or liberate yourself from the primal visions, voices, and vices, then understanding and applying the process of Griefbusting, that is, transforming ghosts into rejuvenated energy and spirit through active and creative mourning, is a necessary and critical step.

The Carly Simon Syndrome: “I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain”

And alas, naturally, for many there is another cultural barrier and psychological obstacle that must be surmounted for lingering-loitering ghosts to be transformed through living grief: the everyday refrain, I just don’t have the time. Consider this recent example. An African-American woman, in her 50s, who exudes compassion as a Human Relations professional, after some encouragement, agreed to an individual grief session. Once again, the discussion quickly moved from the death of her colleague to a series of personal losses of a distant and recent nature. The death of her dad was most prominent; he died just six months earlier. Not only family, her dad was also her pastor and mentor. And now with his unexpected death, pressure is mounting to fulfill his mission and oversee the congregation. (She too is trained in the ministry.)

It also didn’t take much for tears to well when I asked about her mother, a best friend who died eight years earlier. And as she more actively tends to the physical-emotional-spiritual needs of her congregants, she realizes some serious caretaker burnout is starting to set in. All the stress has her seriously thinking of early retirement. (She already walks with a cane.) When I asked if she has a shoulder and ear in her life, not surprisingly the answer was “Not really. People look to me as the strong one.” And when I suggested that she might want some Employee Assistance Program (EAP)-sponsored emotional counseling-career coaching before making a final decision about retirement, she seemed wary. Yet eventually she recognized the irony: “I’m always encouraging others to seek some kind of counseling, but I don’t have the time myself.” She also was nervous about making time for reliving her grief pain. However, I finally got through with an altruistic appeal: “The hard-earned knowledge you’ll gain by exploring and better understanding your loneliness and losses, this wisdom you will share more personally and deeply with others.”

Closing Summary

Grief sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls; and yet this hulking ghost is barely recognized in a “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world. However, when ignored, in a workplace, persistent grief will eventually compromise productive performance, adversely affect employee morale, along with disrupting team cooperation-coordination. How can organizations and companies address this ominous phantom? The context of Grief Counselor during a recent workplace tragedy brought to light both grief “do’s and don’ts”: steps for overcoming the fear of “saying the wrong thing” and not turning “the dead into a ghost.” Examples of current and possible ways of engaging in “Memory, Mourning, and Memorial” ceremonies were cited. Also, defined and illustrated were three types of “Lingering, Loitering, and Long-lasting" Grief Ghosts. Finally, two workplace scenarios highlighted a pair of socio-cultural messages-obstacles to effectively engaging grief: “It’s time to move on” and “I don’t have time for the pain.” Look for future writing on ways to shrink burdensome ghosts down to size through living, learning, and liberating grief. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.