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Showing posts with label Grief Counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief Counseling. Show all posts

Friday, November 11, 2016

Transforming Loss and Memory into “Human Touch” Moments: Two Critical Incident Vignettes

What does “high tech” mean to you?  Making our old ways slow and useless” or “The far flung, wild creativity of our plug and play connected world” (Joshua Cooper Ramo, The Seventh Sense:  Power, Fortune, and Survival in the Age of Networks, 2016)?  No doubt, the physical and psychic landscape and mindscape are being transformed by our always on and everywhere linked “Digital/Social Media Age.”  However, every once in a while, time and space slow down, if not come to a sudden halt; and I’m reminded of the critical importance of “human touch” in handling everyday life and death struggles.  Let me share two vignettes where high tech takes a back seat to human touch.

This week I did Critical Incident/Stress Management (CISM) work for a state government agency.  More specifically, I provided Grief Facilitation-Counseling both in groups and one-on-one for about forty employees who, just the day before, learned of the death of a beloved upper level administrator/manager. The news was as sudden as it was shocking.  R was forty-seven, seemingly healthy, married with two kids.  Towards the end of last week, he went home feeling bad…went to the hospital…and by Sunday night, incomprehensibly, he was dead from a stroke.

This was a mostly blue-collar crew – equally divided racially, more men than women, fairly wide age distribution, etc.  Many had expressed doubts about the value of this “grief stuff.”  However, by the end of our session, all expressed heartfelt appreciation.  One likened it to a family wake…where everyone has a chance to share a personal memory about or a shared moment with the deceased.  After people expressed their shock, or shed some tears, or made a point of saying how R was not like some of the other managers walking around, I guided the sharing thusly:  What’s one trait of R’s that you especially admired and might be willing to try and cultivate in yourself and “play forward” with others?  (In light of this universal outpouring, it seems especially significant that he’d only been with this facility for three years.  Many marveled at R’s personal-professional impact in such a relatively short period of time.)  Consider their “trait” list:

1.  He always listened, even when he didn’t agree with you; he would think about your position, at the same time acknowledging he may still see things differently.
2.  He was always personally willing to help resolve a bureaucratic or operational problem.
3.  He would go to bat for you when you needed an ally with the “higher ups.”
4.  He took the time to get to know you personally.
5.  You always knew where he stood; he didn’t play games (with your head).
6.  Yet, he was fun-loving; a game player who could take kidding, even criticism.
7.  He went out of his way to drop in and talk with folks, and for more than five minutes.  (One secretary expressed total surprise when, one day, R talked with her for forty minutes about her educational-professional goals, encouraging her to expand her horizon.)
8.  He was concerned about your career and would frequently be talking with you about it.
9.  He treated everyone fairly and with respect.  (It was only after the group session did I even discover that R was African-American.)  And…
10. He made you feel special!

Inspired Musings:  Endings and Beginnings

This was a “Human Touch” gentleman in a “High Tech” world…who was truly curious and concerned about his colleagues.  R’s essence touched hearts and minds, maybe even souls.  Reviewing this list, I can only say, from the perspective of the Jewish religion/culture, R would be considered a real “mensch,” a truly wise and caring, a down to earth good man.  One closing “human touch” observation:  though today technology appears omniscient and omnipotent, there are some human depths that still elude the digital.

Case in point:  my next vignette involves human intuition leading to a “mitzvah,” another Yiddish expression meaning a “blessing, or truly good, often compassionate deed.”  (I wonder if the subject of death and grief is a pipeline to memories of a language spoken in my childhood household, occasionally by my parents, but especially by a beloved grandmother.  A woman in a wheelchair, who lost both her legs, first to medical incompetence, then, years later, to diabetes…A woman who personified “human touch,” without speaking a word of English, and was truly a “mensch.”)

Connecting the Grieving:  Sisters in Sorrow

Shortly after the group gathering, I had a chance to sit down with various individuals; in this instance two experienced female administrators.  (One had to leave the group session early.  The other was stationed at another facility and had come by for an admin meeting.  Both seemed to have close working relations with R; the visitor knew him for fourteen years in other state agencies.  The two women, roughly similar in age, had never met; however, they had talked briefly on the phone.)  Both women had cried openly in my one-on-ones, expressing disbelief having seen R just the week before.  One, with a sense of irony, even expressed expecting R to show up at work, then exclaim it was all a “sick joke.”  I was talking with the visitor when the obvious hit me:  these two ladies should be commiserating with and supporting each other.  A new role – grief matchmaker was born!

I now asked the visiting admin if her collegial counterpart might join us.  A bit surprised, nonetheless she agreed.  I jumped up, went to the other’s office, and got quick consent.  (I had made a strong connection with her earlier.)  Suffice to say, the two symbolically fell in each other’s arms, alternatively providing “lean on me” shoulders for one another.  Perhaps the seeds of a sisterly bond were being nurtured.  And wouldn’t that be a fitting legacy:  in this time of tragedy, two women having a near-brotherly relation with R, discover their own kindred connection.  All I can say is amen and women to that!

Concluding Words and Question

A grief belief penned many years ago: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal. And by connecting our authentic essence with a caring human touch, “the better angels of our nature” will surely rise once more.

The Last Question:  Must we wait for a tragedy to more purposefully and spontaneously engage in “human touch”…to make “high tech and human touch” equal workplace partners?


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  Leadership Coach/Training Consultant for the international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University at the Daytona, FL headquarters.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World, and Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:  Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite"www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.

Monday, August 3, 2015

The Art of Counseling and Coaching: The Evolution of a Healing and Liberating Path

The Stress Doc's Skype and Phone Counseling and Coaching Services: Evolving Your Path through the Art of Counseling and Coaching

Recent Skype and Phone coaching sessions reminds me of two sayings by an old Social Work field instructor:  "Not everyone needs therapy (or coaching)...but all (at some point) can use it."  And, "therapy (or personal-professional coaching) is like taking a course on self."

I have decided to more actively let folks know of my availability as a warm, witty, and wise battle-tested video and/or audio counselor and coach.  And as indicated below, I have a track record of making a difference, that is helping folks drill for resources within, contain if not extinguish external smoke and fires, and bravely design their own "pass in the impasse."

For more information, including my head and heart, task and crisis-focused approach, time frame, and fees (on a sliding scale based on ability to pay), email stressdoc@aol.com.  (Also, more background info after the essay.)  I begin with a free 15-20 minute consult to gain a sense of the issue, whether it's appropriate for this method of intervention and, finally, for both parties to assess if there is a good counseling or coaching fit.  I believe there is an opportunity for genuine synergy:  when individual parts work at becoming partners!

To hard work and good support,

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™
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The Art of Counseling and Coaching:  The Evolution of a Healing and Liberating Path -- Recognizing Danger, Redesigning Opportunity

What makes the right coach, counselor, or consultant such a valuable resource?  Invariably it's the fact that when feeling stuck, confused, or overwhelmed we cannot see, conceive, or act our way out of a draining, fearful, or paralyzing conflict.  The rocky road seems steep, long, and dark...and we can't seem to take that first step.  Alas, we may need to lean on another's experienced, concerned, and objective shoulder to regain a sense of equilibrium and competence.  We need a knowing "intimate outsider" to help us reconnect to our strengths; to realistically assess challenges or obstacles; to recognize overlooked and untapped resources or allies.  A coach also helps the vulnerable individual realize that present anxieties or feelings of helplessness are likely being skewed or exaggerated by past "emotional echo experiences," perhaps even "grief ghosts."

And timing may be everything...as often there is a "crisis window," as no less a psychological authority than William Shakespeare, noted:

There is a tide in the affairs of men [and women], which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.

From Julius Caeser
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Of course, the two Chinese characters for "crisis" are danger and opportunity:  the "danger" of not acting is not simply inertia.  Nor is it only the escalating pressure surrounding you and the problem, whether this tension is conscious or not.  No, the danger is enhanced by emotional defenses worn down by hyper-vigilance and  uncertainty, stress and worry, along with confusing emotions and memories (sometimes dream images disrupting sleep).  All add to your mind-body burden and baggage.  And if not proactive you may resort to a maladaptive or regressive way of coping, attempting to block out this mind-body stress cocktail, e.g., by withdrawing, increased drinking or smoking, blowing up, lack of concentration or increasing impatience, excess sleeping, mindless video gaming, becoming a "shopaholic," etc.

In turn, an "opportunity" arises just because of your approach-avoidance, "damned if I do, damned if I don't, damned if I stay, damned if I leave" conflict.  Finally, you're in enough pain, times running out, and you are finally ready to admit you can't get out of this dark and scary maze without some outside support and enlightenment.

These dangers and opportunities come in many shapes and sizes.  Here are two:

1a) danger:  a mother in the throes of a tense family breakup and her own depressive state, troubled by her verbal explosions with her children

1b) opportunity:  to reach out for resources, such as the Stress Doc's book, The Four Faces of Anger:  Transforming Hostility and Rage into Purpose and Passion; joining a support group; being open to a new way of expressing anger, e.g., recognizing when her own voice volume and tone are escalating; having the maturity to acknowledge that she more than the kids needs an immediate "time out" to regain composure.  Realizing when out of control she, also, is an "emotional child" not able to exercise parental authority.  Now with some coaching able to say and act:  "I don't like this  (specific) behavior.  I can tell I'm getting too angry...I will step away for two minutes and then return...and we will discuss and resolve this problem."

2a) danger:  a professional knowing her job situation has been toxic for a good while, is reluctant to leave.  Is it just the golden handcuffs and benefits?  (Logically, her husband is supporting her escape.)  Is it that the devil we know is less frightening than the potential ogre awaiting?  Or, wanting to totally break up the puzzle prison and do something radically different...she is paralyzed by not trusting the soundness of any option, an option that must be just "right."  Alas, trial and error mostly conjures shame and terror!

2b) opportunity:  sometimes a person must go through transitional liberation.  We must learn patient small steps; not rashly attempt that hell to heaven breakout passage in one breathtakingly bold leap, especially when the mental chasm is wide and deep.  Too often, perfection breeds paralysis.  So helping her consider downsizing from a major, Type A-driven company to a smaller, more intimate scale one, still relying on her basic toolkit, seemed to thaw the freeze.  And a manageable learning curve not only provides data for future decision-making, but makes the next risk-taking venture less daunting.

As the medical/polio pioneer, Jonas Salk, observed:  Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being trusting one more time than you are fearful; and trusting just one more time than you are anxious!

Hopefully, this short essay will help you assess whether a counseling or coaching session is a potentially valuable option, a path to help you...Practice Safe Stress!


Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A former psychotherapist, “The Doc” is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for the national, Atlanta-based company, TrainingPros and The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service and is a recognized Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing expert.  The Stress Doc is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite"www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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The Stress Doc's Skype and Phone Counseling and Coaching Services

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

Stress & Change Resilience Speaking--Coaching-Consultation
Crisis Intervention-Burnout-Bullying/Conflict-Loss-Grief
Phone-Electronic-Skype-In-Person

301-875-2567
stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com

Speaking & Educational Videos-Essays
http://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm
Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home
2.5 min 3 Steps to Overcome Procrastination Video -- http://vimeo.com/73783964
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My expertise is based on decades of experience as a national speaker on stress and burnout as well as a former private practice Psychotherapist, Adjunct Professor at the Tulane University (ten years teaching Crisis Intervention & Brief Treatment) and Visiting Professor at Catholic University Schools of Social Work and Social Services.  I have worked with a myriad of government agencies, including a variety of branches of the US Military, along with corporations, and non-profits.  I'm comfortable working with angry or aggressive clients;  I am a former Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service.  My Counseling-Coaching experience and expertise integrates several realms and roles:

¢ Stress and Change Resilience Coaching
¢ Caregiver Stress and Caregiver Fatigue Intervention
¢ Critical Incident and Crisis Intervention
¢ Mind-Body Depression Coaching & Intervention
¢ Stress and Burnout, Trauma and Grief Consultant

And my own personal journey grappling with burnout and clinical depression helps make the counseling/coaching distinctly insightful and uncommonly empowering.   Perhaps my singular perspective comes from being a "Motivational Psycho-humorist" ™.  (The title of one of my books is Practice Safe Stress:  Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression.  Another book:  The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Anger, Rage, and Conflict Into Inspiring Attitude and Behavior.)

Coaching Logistics

In general, sessions will be for 30 or 60 minutes.  We begin with a free 15 minute consultation to determine if there is a basis for a mutual, productive working relationship.  Fees to be determined.

Testimonials are provided below, as well as an essay on a more recent consulting experience.

Feel free to pass the announcement on to friends, family, and colleagues.  For more info:

301-875-2567 or
stressdoc@aol.com

You can also obtain much information, articles, testimonials, videos, radio interviews, etc., from my website - www.stressdoc.com .
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Phone Consulting/Coaching Testimonials

Oct 12, 2013

I am so glad you are offering your services to many. You are an insightful man who helped me to have clarity and find my strength in chaos. I honestly believe that "God" put you in my path. I am still unsure of my future but I do know that I made the right choice. Without your understanding, patience and knowledge, I would not have been able to make that move. I may have slip-ups but I hear your voice and your words in my head and you continue to guide me.

Ann-Marie Connor
(Phone Coaching Client)
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And here is a coaching testimonial from a woman on the West Coast.  (I'm on the East Coast.):

Date: 10/30/2007
From: Stuntsista

Hi Mark,

What growth has occurred since our work several weeks back.  I am most certain you were a gift to me during those months of coaching together.  As I remember, the most memorable character trait to me is your ability to blend courage and personal understanding; as one who has experienced suffering and risen to overcome.  Only one who has experienced the depth, could so acutely and masterfully, handle the heart of one suffering, to guide, to point out, to encourage voice to feelings.  Mark, Thank you, for your accurate assessment, time and again.  I am grateful beyond words.  I appreciate your flexibility in time zones and the presence with which you showed up is just solid.  I enjoyed your humor that you inflected with such appropriateness.  It means so much to have had you 'in my corner' through such an ordeal I found myself in.

My health has turned for the best and I deeply believe it has all to do with my state of mind.  As Victor Frankl observed over 40 years ago:  "Those who know how close the connection is between the state of mind of a man -- his courage and hope, or there lack of -- and the state of immunity of his body will understand that the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect."

I am well.  I have had several courageous conversations.  There is movement.  Don't be surprised if our paths cross again ~ smile. 

Most Sincerely,

Terri

Terri Cadiente A.C.C.
Associate Certified Coach, Speaker, Stunt woman

Strength And Grace Inc.
25050 Avenue Kearney Suite #109
Valencia, CA 91355
Office: 661.294.7841
Mobile: 818.489.4842www.StrengthAndGraceInc.com

~to inspire courage, provoke action and live from a heart at choice ~my life purpose
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Sunday, May 3, 2015

Individual and Collective Crisis/Trauma Intervention and Debriefing: Ten Steps & Strategies

In light of events fifteen miles away (Baltimore) to 10,000 miles from my doorstop (Nepal), this essay titled, "Individual and Collective Crisis/Trauma Intervention and Debriefing: Ten Steps and Strategies," clearly has immediate relevance and application.  Actually, the impetus for the article occurred last week when a friend and colleague (originally from Nepal) asked me to talk briefly about stress and trauma on a strategic planning phone conference with other Nepali-born individuals.
 
Always appreciate any ideas or feedback.  If you think it works for any of your publications or for public transmission, please use or share.  Thanks,
 
Mark
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Individual and Collective Crisis/Trauma Intervention and Debriefing:
Ten Steps & Strategies
 
The devastating earthquake, with its mounting death toll, and the life-and-death challenge of speeding relief throughout Nepal, especially in more remote areas, clearly is the immediate national crisis.  The destruction, disruption, and dislocation is generating human, societal, and cultural tragedy and trauma of epic proportions – be they personal, family, societal, cultural, and archeological.  However, today, right now, and as the proverbial dust settles, many will need more than food, clothing, shelter.  Also vital:  psychological counsel, emotional grieving, and gradual healing; so too fostering stress resilience and hope as well as ongoing peer and community support and sustenance.  The critical task:  not just repairing and restoring homes and shrines but also rebuilding and reintegrating hearts and minds!
 
And these physical and psychological resources and responses are not only crucial for those in Nepal.   The trauma and lingering uncertainty, especially for the safety and well-being of family and friends, is right at the doorstep of people of the Nepali Diaspora thousands of miles from ground zero.
 
Before listing key intervention tips, it’s necessary to define two terms – Crisis and Trauma:
1) Crisis: is a critical event or experience that triggers feelings of threat and loss while also challenging the individual’s, family’s, and/or social group-community’s coping resources and capacity for action.  Crisis also involves a time-limited period of “danger” and “opportunity.”  Systems are motivated to regain physical and psychological control; they are more open to reaching out for resources and unconventional problem-solving structures and strategies.  Individuals and groups are more ready to grapple with feelings of loss and grief and receive vital emotional support.  However, a lack of support for engaging meaningfully with such acute pain and problems in a timely manner can lead to regressive or maladaptive coping (e.g., increased drinking or drug use) and stress or trauma-induced mind-body illness.
 
2) Trauma: is a state of both overwhelming emotional and physiological arousal combined with intensely negative cognitive processing.  According to the experts, trauma can occur from a one-time event or an ongoing experience, including trauma based on the nature of one’s role-relationship to the stressor, e.g., ground zero victim, the family members of a victim of violence, the second-hand trauma of witnesses to grisly violence, or the impact on individuals working with trauma victims.  Trauma effects can range from being numb or immobilized to a state of panic, as well as feeling helpless and hopeless.  And sometimes the reaction can be delayed; hence, Post-Traumatic Stress Reaction.Trauma effects can range from being to numb or immobilized to a state of panic, as well as feeling helpless and hopeless.  And sometimes the reaction can be delayed; hence, Post-Traumatic Stress Reaction.
 
And responding effectively to both Crisis and Trauma is complicated by the fact that previous emotional experience with separation and loss, illness and/or disability, helplessness and hopelessness are, sometimes powerfully, at other times subtly, rekindled adding to the intensity of the present-day crisis and/or trauma fires.
 
Ten Individual and Collective Crisis/Trauma Intervention and Debriefing Steps & Strategies
 
1.  Acknowledge Stressful Feelings.  During a crisis, while wanting to immediately swing into action, at some point, sooner rather than later, it’s important to take an honest psychological self-inventory.  Not addressing acutely intense or prolonged stress or depressed feelings is inviting mind-body health issues, even illness down the road.  Of course, a certain amount of stress during trying times is natural and even useful, stimulating focus and determination.  Extended hypervigilance without sufficient support is the problem!
 
2.  Quickly Connect with Others.  Both for support and problem-solving information reach out to trusted or credible resource people and organizations.  By its nature, crisis problem-solving means plunging into unknown or uncertain waters.  Partnering with people more familiar with the experience, or at least with managing crisis or trauma emotions, is vital.  This is no time for Lone Rangers and Rambos or Rambettes.
 
3.  Appreciate the Time-Limited Nature of Crisis.  During this period of acute uncertainty and threats to survival, people will typically open up to new ideas, approaches, and actions, especially if guided by knowledgeable and purposefully reassuring leaders or guides.  Crisis is a “no exit” challenge:  an individual or group will either take positive or proactive problem-solving steps or they will hide out or freeze into self-defeating and escapist adaptations.  (Hence the previous mentioned “danger” and “opportunity” crossroads of crisis.  And the danger is not just external; see #4.)  Strike when the ego is hot!
 
4.  Be Aware of Unconscious Intrusions.  The acute stress of crisis generates cracks in our psychological defenses.  These defenses normally keep at bay painful memories and feelings.  However, under intense and unrelenting pressure, cracks emerge and subterranean emotions and images, memories and dreams often appear adding to stress levels and heightening a sense of confusion or disorientation.  Sometimes people mistakenly believe they are going crazy; or can’t explain their own coping.  The confusion is a natural component of emotional crisis flooding.  For example, a week after 9/11, a friend, a former artillery officer in Vietnam, was perplexed by his lingering angst.  Certainly he had seen mayhem and destruction before.  I suddenly recalled a tragic piece of his past family history, perhaps a contributing factor to his current dis-ease:  “Hadn’t you lost your first wife in a house fire; and your personal rescue attempts were unsuccessful?”  Momentarily startled, John poignantly said, “I hadn’t thought of that!”
 
5.  Understand the Key Components of Grief and Trauma Debrief.  For both powerful loss and trauma, the classic model of grief has relevance: there are the initial stages of shock, sadness and or despair, rage, guilt, (or, for example, “survivor’s guilt” for those in the Nepali Diaspora), ambivalence, and/or withdrawal, etc.  Then, through time, chemical rebalancing, and emotional support, as energy, confidence, and possibility levels increase, the process typically progresses into refocused attention, focused aggression or determination, individual and collective problem-solving, relief and, hopefully, hard-won acceptance of the loss.  While still painful, memories are no longer paralyzing or inducing panic states.  New lights on the horizon of hope may finally be sighted.
 
During times of crisis, an individual may have the capacity to quickly engage with grieving.  In contrast, someone in the throes of trauma may need to move more slowly through the healing stages.  Of course, for both pathways it’s not a linear evolution.  One may take steps or stages forward and then fall back, needing more than once to rework and reintegrate sobering, troubling or frightening thoughts and feelings.  Also, with Post-Traumatic Stress, effective coping during the crisis period now starts to unravel.  Once our survival guard is down, especially after prolonged and draining vigilance and tragic loss, then exhaustion, high anxiety, rage, despair, and/or depression may take over.  Finally, research reveals that early childhood separations, losses, exposure to violent incidents, and other adverse, trauma-inducing experiences appear to be correlated with adult PTSD-like reactions.
 
6.  Grasp the Individual Nature of Grief and Paths of Healing.  There is not one way to grieve; each person’s process is unique to his or her bio-psycho-social-cultural nature and history.  Consider these approaches or styles:
 
a) Cognitive or head – trying to make immediate intellectual sense or order of the experience

b) Affective or heart – needing to experience and express the array of grief emotions

c) Sensual – needing to be touched or stroked, held and hugged

d) Social – needing to share ideas and/or emotions with others, especially those who can truly relate

e) Action – regaining a sense of purpose and emotional control by taking action plans and steps

f) Reflective – needing time alone to meditate upon and often creatively express pain and meaning; the process may be reinforced interacting with nature, e.g., a number of Veterans have engaged in hiking the Appalachian Trail as part of their trauma recovery process.
 
Ultimately, reconciling or integrating head and heart, body and spirit along with restoring a sense of hope and new possibility, perhaps even new partnerships, and creative outpourings are some of the byproducts of a healing grief experience.
 
Finally, there’s no absolute time frame for moving through the grief stages.  Don’t accept when people say some variation of, “It’s been a couple of months now; stop looking back; stop dwelling on the past; time to move on with your life, etc.”  In fact, some powerful losses are never completely mourned.  Eventually, life again feels worth living, but there will always be “grief anniversary” moments and memories.  The only caveat: a month after the critical incident, if you are still stuck in the same dark emotional hole, (a shorter time frame, of course, if disruptive health or suicidal issues emerge) strongly consider contacting a professional health and/or mental health provider.
 
7.  Consider these Two “Grief Dynamic” Passages and Reach Out for TLC:
a) There’s a real difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your sorrow.  When you are feeling sorry for yourself you typically blame others.  When feeling your sorrow you have the courage to face your pain.  And there are times in life when we all need to face our sorrow! And
 
b) Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning.  The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time.  In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
 
During highly uncertain or stressful times, try finding a “Stress Buddy.”  (The concept was derived from working with military spouses.  They would find a supportive partner, a fellow spouse, when their soldier went overseas, especially “down range, in harms’ way.”)  However, a “Stress Buddy” should provide a variation on traditional TLC:  Tender Loving Criticism and Tough Loving Care!
 
8.  Create a Safe Space whether In-Person or in Cyber.  When trying to console or counsel others, as much as possible, find a private place to share.  Assure the person of your confidentiality, unless the individual threatens self-harm or harm to others.  In light of the disorienting nature of crisis, try to be open to a wide range of emotional ventilation (along with cultural variation) without critical judgment.  In my estimation, listening carefully to someone demonstrates real respect.
 
Virtual support systems are especially vital when trying to communicate with and connect people separated by wide distances.  Of course, as more and more counseling services are provided technologically, through phone, email, or Skype, extra effort must be made to assure “message sent is message received.”  And to expedite effective and efficient group communication, whether involving supportive or strategic planning services, whenever possible, an experienced facilitator is wise.
 
9.  Keys for Comforting Others.  While most appreciate an attentive ear or a sturdy shoulder during times of confusion, chaos, or crisis, reaching out or supporting others takes both some science and art. Perhaps the most important quality is being non-judgmental.  Some make this mistake with the best of intentions, e.g., when trying to reassure another claiming, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way.”  Or we can unintentionally trivialize someone’s pain by saying, “I know how you feel.”  Unless you have truly walked in another’s particular painful path, better to say, “I don’t fully grasp your experience, (or ‘I can only imagine’), please help me understand.”  Or, if you want to share, try saying, “I don’t know if this is relevant, however, for me your story brought up this thought or memory…”  Again, after sharing your idea or story, make sure you refocus ears and eyes, head and heart back on the person in crisis or trauma.
 
The communication key, of course, is not quickly offering advice, unless asked, (in general, avoid, “Here’s what you should do!”); rather, ask sensitive questions and listen reflectively.  Check out understanding by paraphrasing back to the person what you’ve heard.  When emotions are particularly charged, check out whether “message sent is message received.”  Finally, if giving advice, spoon it out in clear and concise, bite-sized chunks for easier intake.
 
10.  Help People Find Purpose and Passion in Pain.  Almost all of us want a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.  This can seem hopelessly lost in times of tragic loss and destruction.  However, whether rapidly or patiently, enabling those in the throes of crisis and trauma to begin to embrace their pain -- to either open the emotional floodgates or to explore slow yet steady, gradual grief-steps – often means helping individuals, families, and communities discover unrecognized and untapped sources of strength.   People may even regain or evolve a new sense of passion, especially wanting to help others in their community; one emerging from the trauma or crisis crucible may well seek a purpose larger than their own safety and well-being.  (And remember, the root of “passion” is suffering, as in the “Passion Play,” that is, the sufferings of Jesus or, more generically, the sufferings of a martyr.)
 
As I once penned:
 
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.
 
Closing
 
Along with traditional disaster rescue, resource, and recovery efforts, grief and trauma intervention and engagement, especially during double-edged, “strike when hot” times of crisis, can substantively assist overwhelmed individuals and families, groups and communities.  Despite the immediate assault on a victim’s senses and sense of identity, with timely and knowledgeable support we can learn and evolve individual and collective stress resilience skills and strategies.  We not only can survive the chaotic present but often develop psychological attitudes and aptitudes – head and heart muscles – that have us better prepared to survive, learn from, and creatively adapt to future hazardous events and challenges.
 
 
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  The Doc is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite"www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Stress Doc’s ™ Stress & Change Resilience Counseling-Coaching-Consultation

I’m adding a new shingle to my speaking and training activities:

Stress & Change Resilience Counseling-Coaching-Consultation
Crisis Intervention-Burnout-Relation Tension-Loss-Grief
Phone-Electronic-Skype-In-Person

301-875-2567
www.stressdoc.com
stressdoc@aol.com

Please spread the word and do email or call with any questions, ideas, etc.

Mark
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Stress Doc’s ™ Credentials/Experience

·         Successful Phone Counseling-Coaching-Consultation experience (see testimonials below)

·         Long-standing Stress Resilience Expert-Speaker-Trainer for many government agencies, institutions, companies, associations, etc.

·         Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for US Postal Service

·         Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreat Leader for US Military

·         Critical Incident/Trauma & Grief Debriefing Consultant

·         Crisis Intervention/Brief Treatment Adjunct Professor for Tulane University Graduate School of Social Work

·         Author of Practice Safe Stress ™:  Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress Burnout & Depression, The Four Faces of Anger:  Transforming Anger, Rage& Conflict, and Resiliency Rap:  The Wit & Wisdom of the “Shrink Rapper”
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Overview of the Phone Consultation/Coaching Process

A recent phone coaching session with an owner of a small IT company in the Mountain West (I’m in Columbia, MD) once again reminded me of the possibility and power for distance connection in our digital age.  This business owner was having difficulty dealing with the behavior pattern of a sales employee -- aggressively immature and self-centered – who recently helped her land a big contract.  She was also burdening herself with unrealistic if not perfectionistic expectations regarding client performance delivery demands.  (Of course, hers is an ultra-competitive industry.)  She was straining her brain and body from “bending over backwards” too many times.

This business owner had read one of my popular articles on burnout.  (See attached.)  She recognized the signs of energy drain as well as diminished focus and increased confusion, and emailed asking for a consultation.

Initial Consultation and Subsequent Coaching

First, there was a free 15-minute consultation to: a) help me understand the problem basics and b) make sure we both believed working together made sense.  Mostly I listen and ask questions, and, finally, provide a summary and an initial action plan.  We both thought there was a good match and a 30-minute coaching session was set up later in the day.

Basically, the coaching session helped this owner:  a) realize that the employee was engaged in disruptive behavior that was not just affecting her health but also her leadership presence, b) understand that being “too nice” perpetuated the problem, c) recognize some similar interactional patterns with family members, and finally, d) gain communication-management skills (including documentation of the employee’s disruptive behavior and, literally, provide words the business owner could say) to give this employee a chance to change her communication behavior or face termination.  I also suggested offering a couple of company-sponsored coaching sessions for this potentially valuable employee.

Email Thread

After the coaching session, there was a brief flurry of emails (no extra charge ;-), beginning with this observation:

Was thinking about the initial contract with your clients.  Since you have a track record of on time/high performance delivery, would it be useful to add something like this?:

“High Expectations and Contingency Tweaking”

Inform (your clients) ahead of time regarding the need for a schedule or operational tweak, so you both don't get caught in 11th hour changes; also less rush confusion, missteps, etc.  I suspect you can word this more aptly than I.

MG

[My motivation was to help the owner reduce some of her self-imposed expectation-performance pressure.]
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The coaching client’s response:

This is really great! Thank you!
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My reply:

Great; one more thing:  if I say something that's not so great or seems “off the mark,” as it were, or that you just don't agree with, please don't let it slide; tell me; thanks; it will be useful for us both.
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And then a closing client response to my message:

Sure, will do! I'm already on my way to getting work done. Thanks so much for your help. I will definitely be in touch for a follow up appointment.
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Coaching Logistics & Testimonials

In general, sessions will be for 30 or 60 minutes.  We begin with a free 15 minute consultation to determine if there is a basis for a mutual, productive working relationship.  Fees to be determined.


Phone Counseling Testimonial

Oct 12, 2013

I am so glad you are offering your services to many. You are an insightful man who helped me to have clarity and find my strength in chaos. I honestly believe that "God" put you in my path. I am still unsure of my future but I do know that I made the right choice. Without your understanding, patience and knowledge, I would not have been able to make that move. I may have slip-ups but I hear your voice and your words in my head and you continue to guide me.

A
Long Island, NY
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Phone Coaching Testimonial

Oct 30, 2007

Hi Mark,


What growth has occurred since our work several weeks back.  I am most certain you were a gift to me during those months of coaching together.  As I remember, the most memorable character trait to me is your ability to blend courage and personal understanding; as one who has experienced suffering and risen to overcome.  Only one who has experienced the depth, could so acutely and masterfully, handle the heart of one suffering, to guide, to point out, to encourage voice to feelings.  Mark, Thank you, for your accurate assessment, time and again.  I am grateful beyond words.  I appreciate your flexibility in time zones and the presence with which you showed up is just solid.  I enjoyed your humor that you inflected with such appropriateness.  It means so much to have had you 'in my corner' through such an ordeal I found myself in.


My health has turned for the best and I deeply believe it has all to do with my state of mind.  As Victor Frankl observed over 40 years ago:  "Those who know how close the connection is between the state of mind of a man -- his courage and hope, or there lack of -- and the state of immunity of his body will understand that the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect."


I am well.  I have had several courageous conversations.  There is movement.  Don't be surprised if our paths cross again ~ smile.


T
Associate Certified Coach, Speaker, Stunt woman
Valencia, CA

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In-Person Consultation Testimonial

Dec 7, 2010

Hi Mark.


It's been ages since we talked/met but I will always give u credit for referring me to Dr. B, recommending a low dose of anti-depressant, etc...I do give myself credit for seeking help and finding you in the first place...


It's been over 10 yrs but I've gone farther since than I'd ever dreamed....I got hired by my (large) client to do internal recruiting, moved into a semi high profile Human Resources generalist role for 2 yrs, then transferred to our federal human capital consulting practice...along the way I began facilitating various training workshops (from behavioral interviewing techniques to technical training on applicant tracking software to coaching skills…Wanted to drop a line to reconnect and say thanks again for steering me onto a path that led to my current path...in which I feel both challenged and successful!

Happy holidays Mark!
C


NoVA
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For more information, call 301-875-2567, or email stressdoc@aol.com.
 
Speaking & Educational Videos-Essayshttp://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm
Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home

2.5 min 3 Steps to Overcome Procrastination Video -- http://vimeo.com/73783964
2 min Shrink Rap Video Link: https://vimeo.com/69053828
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Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, "The Doc" is also a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Stress Resilience/Wellness Consultant for the international corporate wellness/insurance brokerage group, The Hays Companies. Mark leads highly interactive, innovative, and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve), and be out-rage-ous!"
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