Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels and interplays between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. Parts I & II of this series have examined the connection between prematurely buried or insufficiently grieved life cycle losses and the lingering and disruptive presence of “grief ghosts.” Definitions of burnout, burn-in, and loss were sketched and a detailed outline of the “Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief” was provided. A case example of the connection between loitering losses and lurking ghosts was provided. This essay begins with a vignette that reveals how past loss and trauma denied confounds and contaminates one’s present functioning. It also illustrates how one may need to experience burnout in order to grapple with primal burn-in grief ghosts. Next, comes a classic definition of burnout, a general burnout-inducing mindset, and then, five major sources of burnout are outlined.
At the Burnout-Burn-in Crossroads of Israel, Syria, and New Orleans
Here’s a story that speaks to the latent power of delayed grief; disruptive echoes from a seemingly distant past can still disorient and derail a life in the present. In the mid-1980s, I began working with a New Orleans businessman in his mid-30s on burnout issues he claimed were brought on by a demanding import-export business. His lack of focus and enthusiasm, along with decreasing productivity was evoking feelings of guilt, self-blame, and diminished self-esteem. Actually, he was confused by his state of exhaustion and ennui; normally he is quite decisive. And as his custom, he was mostly suffering in silence, until he heard a Stress Doc radio feature on burnout and called for an appointment.
In my office, the discrepancy between his words and emotional affect had me thinking a vital assessment piece was missing. And in fact, gathering some background history, our focus quickly shifted to another, more traumatic time. This client was also a former Israeli officer who had undergone truly harrowing encounters as a front-line Tank Commander in the 1973 Arab-Israeli War. His traumatic experiences included helping repulse a surprise tank attack by a numerically superior foe; many in his battalion lost their lives. And when finally returning from the battlefield in haste, in a state of exhaustion, he crashes his jeep killing two fellow passengers-soldiers. Necessary reports were filed; however, because he was an officer no psychological debriefing was required. In fact, he had never shared his harrowing experiences and guilt-laden emotions with family members. Now, in my office twelve years later, it was apparent how heavy still the military emotional burden and baggage, and how much it was adding fuel to his sense of shame and burnout fire. Actually, the present burnout smoke signals were more a smoking gun incriminating the long-standing smoldering PTSD within. I rerouted him back to Israel for that long overdue debriefing and encouraged him to begin sharing the suppressed experiences and emotions with his family. Fortified with proper support, he was ready to wrestle with his primal ghosts. I was confident that purpose and passion or even a new direction would rise from those post-traumatic-burnout ashes.
Clearly, this vignette shows how interconnected burnout and burn-in may be. With hindsight, I suspect the toll of loitering grief ghosts each year was getting progressively heavy; the burn-in finally reached a critical combustion point. It’s possible that for this ex-Israeli officer business burnout was a necessary, less conflicted and stigmatizing condition, one that provided a “pass in the impasse.” He could ask for help more readily around his business battle fatigue than for the warring ghosts within. (This is not an uncommon self-labeling ploy. For example, I’ve worked with many clients more willing to initially wear the badge of burnout than to acknowledge some form of clinical depression smoldering internally for months or years.)
Burnout: Definition, “Vital Lesson” Mindset, and “Eco”- and Ego-Driven Sources
With this example as a springboard, let’s explore burnout, from its foundation to its stages. Beginning with my classic definition, Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion – a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give.
The classic or most familiar set-up for burnout is a professional or personal situation or environment that places high ongoing demands and responsibilities upon you while restricting your sense of control, autonomy, and/or authority, along with access to resources and support. However, look for two other volatile ingredients: inflexibly high expectations and elusive goals definitely add fuel to the fire. Consider my “Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If, no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming and you can’t say and mean “no” or won’t let go…because you’ve invested so much time, money, energy, and ego in that one right person, position, or only one right-possible-acceptable outcome…then trouble awaits. The groundwork is laid for apathy, callousness and despair.
But let’s expand from the psychological to the eco-logical and ego-logical. In a rapidly changing, uncertain, and 24/7 wired world, four major sources of burnout are posited – from “eco”-driven (as in organizational eco-system) to “ego”-driven (see the “Vital Lesson” above). A fifth source relates to preexisting “mind-body” conditions that may predispose an individual to burnout, e.g., early childhood losses, chronic illnesses or disabilities, traumatic experiences, and all manner of prematurely buried grief ghosts. Consider these “Five Major Sources of Burnout”:
1. TNT World. In a 24/7, “TNT” – “Time, Numbers, & Technology” – driven and distracted world, the boundary between work and home is eroding; how does one truly relax when forever sneaking a peek at the latest text or Outlook message/calendar entry?; where’s that “Off-Duty” taxi sign when you need one?; there’s less recovery time and space with today’s exhausting and intrusive pace, especially for single parent or dual-income families; and to quote NY Times technology blogger, Nick Bilton, unlike the near universally fluent “Internet Natives” (born ABI – After the Birth of Internet”) many “Internet Immigrants” (born BBI – “Before the Birth of the Internet”) will always be challenged by the constant need for survival upgrading.
2. Out of Control World. Even more taxing than the pace of life, is a feeling that you no longer have control of its pace and priorities, especially you can’t influence the outcomes; your actions seem to have less and less consequence. People who have been downsized or anticipate being laid off, or have gone through a foreclosure, or are in an emotionally abusive relationship, or are caught in the always on, always anxious role of caretaker to an infirmed parent (especially when still parenting their kids) can start feeling like pawns – life’s forces and factors seem beyond their control.
Of course, this century we in the US have been confronted by a staggering “out of control” event – September 11th. As previously noted in an article written shortly after the terrorist attack (“Traumatic Stress/Crisis Intervention Techniques and Tips,” email stressdoc@aol.com for the article) a natural result of trauma and crisis is that past and, even, deep-seated memories or associations of previous threats, losses, tragedies or abuses may be stirred up. Initially, the disconcerting association may not be to a specific past event but more to a general feeling, such as being trapped, and feeling out of sorts or not oneself, etc.
As an example, a week after 9/11, a friend and an “S & L” Vice-President and Technology Officer shared how he was still feeling a sense of dis-ease that eluded his understanding. He saw the parallel with his previous combat experience, connecting the devastating rubble and gray ash around the fallen World Trade Center to the bombed out fields in Vietnam. But J. had emotionally grappled with his service experience, including near death encounters as an artillery officer. So the ongoing disorientation was perplexing. I asked J. if it was possible that the subconscious memory being stirred was less war-related and more connected to the tragic death of his first wife; she had been trapped in a roaring home fire. J. attempted a rescue that was unsuccessful. With a surprised and pensive look on his face, J. said, “I hadn’t thought of that.” He now recognized that the fiery ball and flames from the Twin Towers had also blown open personal black box holding memories of traumatic loss and a profound experience of helplessness.
3. Elusive or Egoal-Driven World. When ideals, high expectations, and critical or especially, pride-driven goals prove elusive or are continuously thwarted despite significant investment of time, energy, money, and self-identity, and one can’t step back or “let go,” an individual’s motivational fire will likely become exhausted if not extinguished; in the short-term, before the erosive spiral hits bottom, ambitious, outrageous or self-inflated egoals may be on display; alas, such objectives, whether genuinely daring or delusional, are often the product of deep-seated insecurity, critical ghosts, and magical thinking; by achieving something truly innovative or uncommon, “I’ll show all those doubters and naysayers once and for all!” (See Part IV for my personal burnout vignette.) Alas, if only it were that easy.
4. Niche to Ditch World. When a once successful person simply rests on his or her laurels, tries to cruise to retirement, resists new learning curves, or just habitually performs a repetitive job or starts sleepwalking through the work day or a career path then such a person is susceptible to what I call the “Bjorn Bored Syndrome” (BBS); one’s niche of success has devolved into the ditch of excess; see below.
5. Smoldering-Shaming-Post-Traumatic Ghosts, Depression and Disability Demons, and Disruptive Early Childhood Separations. To the degree a person carries around heavy bio-psycho-social weights (seemingly invisible to the bearer as well as to observers until it’s too late) this individual is germinating grief ghosts and is susceptible to “burn-in induced burnout.” That is, a) lingering life cycle losses insufficiently mourned, b) traumatic experiences denied or pushed aside by false pride or shame, c) the poignant pain of early childhood separations and abandonments on both individuals and members of the family system; (e.g., research shows those with major early loss issues when exposed to hazardous situations as adults are more susceptible to post-traumatic effects), d) childhood abuse or bullying; of course, the latter is not confined to the schoolyard – domestic abuse is in the bedroom and worksite bullying is found in the boardroom and on the work floor: the issue of workplace bullying is beginning to share the spotlight with sexual harassment; both may leave indelible scars; or e) a genetic-family predisposition for depression or other mind-body disabilities, along with the stigmatizing societal labels attached by self and others, all may fuel a smoldering, if not burning fire that consumes self-esteem; such mind-body states and traits also intensify the challenge of understanding/managing one’s emotions and developing work performance competency as well as emotionally intelligent relationship skills. These hazardous conditions and predispositions often set the stage for eventual burnout implosion or explosion.
However, with sufficient support from an eco-system along with the motivation and skills to recall, wrestle with, and transform past psychological “echo-system static,” this primal pain may be harnessed as passionate, purposeful, and exploratory energy and ideas for creative adaptation. As I once penned:
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
So let’s get to know better the pain, despite Carly Simon’s soulful declarations to the contrary.
The Four Stages of Burnout
Whatever the forces and factors of this “erosive spiral,” how can you recognize signs and symptoms? To reiterate, here’s the definition: Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion, a feeling of being drained, having nothing more to give. Doesn’t sound like fun.
Now let’s flesh out “The Four Stages”:
1. Physical, Mental, and Emotional Exhaustion. Do you recognize this sequence? Maybe you’re holding it together at work, but as soon as you get home, right for the fridge, get out the chocolate ice cream or the lite-beer, put on the tube, hit the sofa…and you are comatose for the rest of the evening, or wish you could be! (Of course, I frequently hear, “Doc, you mean there’s something wrong with that!”) Normally you pride yourself on doing a thorough job. Now budget cuts have you looking for shortcuts, if not cutting corners, and this gnaws at your self-esteem. Consistently doing more with less not only can induce a case of the brain strain accompanied by an energy shortage and feelings of exhaustion, but people often start becoming “lean-and-MEAN.”
2. Shame and Doubt, maybe Lashing and Tuning Out. When someone asks you to take on a new project, despite wanting to help does a voice inside scream, “Who are you kidding!” Will supervisors, colleagues, friends and family members sense there’s something wrong? You’re feeling shaky in the present and losing confidence about managing the future – you can even start discounting past accomplishments. You worry that others will detect your compromised state. Or, you begin to project your self-doubt, now impatiently criticizing others or even lashing out.
However, being overloaded, grappling with too many demands along with inadequate controls, authority, and accountability is not the only formula for burnout. The erosive spiral also viciously cycles when lacking sufficient mental stimulation, feeling underutilized, or worn down by numbing repetition. I call it the “Bjorn Bored Syndrome,” named after the late-‘70-80s Swedish tennis great, Bjorn Borg. Despite winning four consecutive French and Wimbledon tennis titles, Borg burnt out on the circuit well before he was thirty. (Was the thrill gone?) He had great success, celebrity status, the travel around the world life style…but he also had the drudgery of the all too familiar mind, body, and spirit numbing hours and hours of practice. (And maybe there was an ego issue: he also was losing consistently to John McEnroe at the US Open.) Perhaps his one-time niche of success was turning into the ditch of excess…for Borg it truly was a critical crossroad; he dropped out of the fast-lane. The Bjorn Bored Syndrome: When Mastery times Monotony provides an index of Misery!
Remember, this is not a logical process but a psychological one. Are dark clouds of uncertainty and self-doubt following you? If uncontrollable heavy, labored breathing and exhaling, moaning and groaning are punctuating your day…are you ready to enlist in the Stress Doc’s “Frequent Sigher’s Club?” I’m confident this is one group that will really take off!
3. Cynicism and Callousness. Eventually, some folks have enough of feeling anxious and vulnerable. They start putting on the heavy armor: “Look out for #1,” “Cover your derriere,” “Get out of my way,” or “I could care less,” as well as that instant crowd pleaser, “Whatever,” dripping with scarcasm. And ironically, sensitive or overly accommodating individuals are prone to this personality transformation, eventually developing calloused skin for “self-protection.” Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more a sign that you gave yourself away. Not surprisingly, you can become resentful and feel that people are taking advantage of you. In the short run there may be some payoff –you become abrasive enough or give people the darkly silent evil eye long enough and people start avoiding you. In the long term, not only are you projecting a dysfunctional image, but you are bottling up or covering up all this fear, frustration, and sense of failure. When you put on your heavy armor, you may believe “Nobody’s getting to me.” But more likely, “Nothing’s get out.” All that tension and turmoil is bubbling and boiling inside. And the risk is not only a hardening of the psyche; you may be encouraging a hardening of the arteries – high blood pressure and premature heart attacks or brain attacks, i.e., strokes – as well. As I like to say, strong silent types – you Rambos and Rambettes know who you are – usually get a lot more ulcers than Oscars! Which is why it may be better to move into the fourth stage; sometimes folks have to hit bottom before they will admit needing help.
4. Failure, Helplessness, and Crisis. Being caught in a career or relationship catch-22 often signals the final stage: one may feel, “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t; damned if I stay, damned if I leave.” Your coping strategy is coming unglued. In this vulnerable state, you may be especially sensitive to criticism and feel paralyzed, or being impulsive and acting out. Over time, prolonged stress can inhibit the functioning of brain neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, biochemicals instrumental in mood state, especially feelings of calm, happiness, and joy. And when a person has a genetic tendency or family history of mood instability, has experienced early childhood loss (e.g., the death or chronic illness of a parent) or unresolved trauma (e.g., being raised in a substance abusing family dynamic or, for example, having post-traumatic military stress), then such biochemical predisposition or disruption combined with prolonged stress may even foster clinical depression.
Burnout is like trying to run a marathon at full speed. Without pacing or meaningful stimulation, the mind-body parts wear out, and the mental and psycho-motor apparatus breaks down. In fact, one reason the fourth stage is so disorienting psychologically is that there are cracks in your defensive armor. Emotional memories, those lingering and loitering ghosts, are now floating up to the surface of consciousness. Not only are you dealing with demands in the present but now you are weeping over once significant people you haven’t really thought deeply about in years. You are confused, perhaps fearful over these out of your control memories and mournful sighs. Remember, by the fourth stage, burnout is no longer a logical process but a psychological one. (Do you recall the vignette of the New Orleans businessman/Israeli soldier? And while “Stage Four” sounds terrible, consider this: hitting bottom means there’s no more downward spiral. And if you can reach out, there’s nowhere to go but up. Fourth-stage burnout is the crisis point. Are you ready to reach out for the help and resources you need? Are you willing to connect burnout and burn-in; are you prepared to explore, engage, and embrace your grief ghosts? Are you ready to…Practice Safe Stress?
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Bridging the International Geo-Cultural Divide or Presenter Beware and Buyer Be Aware
For the first time I was accused of being “Amero-centric.” This caught me off guard as I tend to see life as double-edged; the glass is frequently both half full and half empty. I’m trained to see the strengths and potentialities, vulnerabilities and faults of individuals, groups, and systems. I’m a big fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s pithy and prescient aphorism: The test of a first rate intellect is the capacity to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. However, a novel situation set the stage for the critique, and understanding was delayed until my conscious and unconscious brain could achieve “bihemispheric peace of minds.”
I was asked to do a videoconference from the Mid-Atlantic headquarters of a US law firm with the attorneys and legal support staff of two of its overseas offices in London and Brussels. The corporate boardroom had a fifty inch flat screen TV; parties on both sides of the camera not only could see each other (the two European locations were viewed simultaneously via split screen) but HQ and the offices could also talk and respond to each other. There was a minor limitation – only one office at a time could speak. So I both initiated sharing information and asking questions while also asking London and Brussels separately for a response. This was the first attempt at an international “lunch and learn,” a one hour training on “Positive Assertiveness.” Of course, my presentation commenced at 8am ET.
I’m not sure of the specific evidence of insensitivity to “European sensibility,” but perhaps the tipping point was having the participants pair off for a power struggle exercise: Person A says, “You can’t make me” while B counters with, “Oh yes I can.” Both parties are imagining “someone in your life – past or present – who can be (or has been) a pain in your butt.” (Of course, my one caveat…“Hopefully, it’s not the person you are looking at.” ;-) And eventually each is encouraged to verbalize what “you would really like to say to this annoying or aggravating individual.” Maybe this was a bit out there and "out-rage-ous for those more close to the vest. And certainly I was throwing caution to the wind: this was my maiden voyage trying to facilitate an emotionally charged interactive exercise with the participants several thousand miles away.
However, there was a fair amount of good energy and laughter, along with animated (if not somewhat emotionally dynamic) interaction in the room. Still, my sense is that some folks believed the exercise and perhaps the topic of “Assertiveness” itself, reflects the “Wild West,” pushy or bossy qualities of those “Ugly Americans.” Is it that the Europeans are more civilized, that is, sufficiently well-mannered and conscious of interpersonal office etiquette, and therefore not in need of such training? Or is something else going on? Not surprisingly, perhaps, the American Legal Administrator seemed pleased by the presentation, affirming that the participants received a lot of valuable information.
Dreaming and Scheming Your Way to the Pass in the International Impasse
Clearly feeling unsettled, I had two nights of vivid and somewhat violent dreams. I was a CIA agent, being hunted by foreign terrorists. Shots had been fired. What was going on? It wasn’t till the second night that I made the connection with the workshop feedback. And once having made the association, another image appeared on the old psychic radar. Perhaps some of the disgruntled comments had less to do with the program and the presenter per se, and more to do with the presenter as an agent for the American power base.
These offices had been bought out by the American law firm within the past two years. The London office, the bigger of the two, actually had been under the aegis of a Swedish company, known for its laissez-faire ownership. Maybe there was still some unfinished transitional grief and what I call unresolved “Triple A” issues – Authority, Autonomy & Accountability – regarding the geo-cultural takeover. Years back, doing some merger-mergee stress consultation, I recall one manager referring to the workplace atmosphere of the merged entity as "a losing team locker room.”
I also recall the support staff at the Brussels office mentioning that they could risk being open about some conflict topic because no lawyers were in the room. (Of course, no lawyers in the room may well be a not so subtle passive-aggressive as opposed to assertive message to corporate headquarters.) Perhaps there are different levels of authority/culture issues – not just Amero-centric and Corporate Raider ones – that the “mother ship” needs to address. For starters, how about getting feedback from different personnel levels in the overseas firms concerning the perception of the pros and cons of the corporate integration process? If the Europeans believe that the American leadership is genuinely open to and interested in feedback from their overseas staff, that is, if HQ can accept some critical assessment without getting defensive or vindictive, then building trust and a dialogue bridge becomes a distinct possibility.
More specifically, how about allowing folks to critically analyze and assess the two different geo-cultural business systems. Even better, if the American leadership can quickly implement some small yet meaningful suggestions "black or white" assumptions may take on more inviting shades of gray. Letting people discuss what they liked about the Swedish substance and style while allowing a pros and cons comparison with the American business model, is usually the beginning of a “letting go and giving it a chance process.” (Of course, if the Europeans are smart they won’t mention the word “Socialism,” especially while Obama is President. ;-) And if American execs can handle such critique and become positive, open to feedback, relation-building role models perhaps eventually the folks in Brussels may not have to be so wary about status-driven and daunting in-house interaction. (Hmm…I wonder if status issues play out even more in a Euro-culture at least historically known for its aristocracy if not its monarchy.) Apparently, creating dialogue is not such an easy task in any (legal) culture associated with an adversarial, win-lose nature.
I suspect there are universal issues at play: from my years of team building/organizational development experience it's not uncommon for diverse perspectives, needs, and values, along with differences in operational procedures and styles-modes of communication to fly passively and aggressively both between and within HQ and satellite offices, wherever the location. Obviously this is a pretty good definition of or foundation for individual, interpersonal, and organizational conflict!
My personal take home from this experience: the next time doing an international videoconference, I definitely will consult with representatives of my overseas audience to come up with some local and regional “case scenarios.” In addition, with Corporate HR I will discuss more fully the state of the international corporate modus operandi integration. Ideas and strategies to help one and all bridge the geo-cultural divide and to…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
I was asked to do a videoconference from the Mid-Atlantic headquarters of a US law firm with the attorneys and legal support staff of two of its overseas offices in London and Brussels. The corporate boardroom had a fifty inch flat screen TV; parties on both sides of the camera not only could see each other (the two European locations were viewed simultaneously via split screen) but HQ and the offices could also talk and respond to each other. There was a minor limitation – only one office at a time could speak. So I both initiated sharing information and asking questions while also asking London and Brussels separately for a response. This was the first attempt at an international “lunch and learn,” a one hour training on “Positive Assertiveness.” Of course, my presentation commenced at 8am ET.
I’m not sure of the specific evidence of insensitivity to “European sensibility,” but perhaps the tipping point was having the participants pair off for a power struggle exercise: Person A says, “You can’t make me” while B counters with, “Oh yes I can.” Both parties are imagining “someone in your life – past or present – who can be (or has been) a pain in your butt.” (Of course, my one caveat…“Hopefully, it’s not the person you are looking at.” ;-) And eventually each is encouraged to verbalize what “you would really like to say to this annoying or aggravating individual.” Maybe this was a bit out there and "out-rage-ous for those more close to the vest. And certainly I was throwing caution to the wind: this was my maiden voyage trying to facilitate an emotionally charged interactive exercise with the participants several thousand miles away.
However, there was a fair amount of good energy and laughter, along with animated (if not somewhat emotionally dynamic) interaction in the room. Still, my sense is that some folks believed the exercise and perhaps the topic of “Assertiveness” itself, reflects the “Wild West,” pushy or bossy qualities of those “Ugly Americans.” Is it that the Europeans are more civilized, that is, sufficiently well-mannered and conscious of interpersonal office etiquette, and therefore not in need of such training? Or is something else going on? Not surprisingly, perhaps, the American Legal Administrator seemed pleased by the presentation, affirming that the participants received a lot of valuable information.
Dreaming and Scheming Your Way to the Pass in the International Impasse
Clearly feeling unsettled, I had two nights of vivid and somewhat violent dreams. I was a CIA agent, being hunted by foreign terrorists. Shots had been fired. What was going on? It wasn’t till the second night that I made the connection with the workshop feedback. And once having made the association, another image appeared on the old psychic radar. Perhaps some of the disgruntled comments had less to do with the program and the presenter per se, and more to do with the presenter as an agent for the American power base.
These offices had been bought out by the American law firm within the past two years. The London office, the bigger of the two, actually had been under the aegis of a Swedish company, known for its laissez-faire ownership. Maybe there was still some unfinished transitional grief and what I call unresolved “Triple A” issues – Authority, Autonomy & Accountability – regarding the geo-cultural takeover. Years back, doing some merger-mergee stress consultation, I recall one manager referring to the workplace atmosphere of the merged entity as "a losing team locker room.”
I also recall the support staff at the Brussels office mentioning that they could risk being open about some conflict topic because no lawyers were in the room. (Of course, no lawyers in the room may well be a not so subtle passive-aggressive as opposed to assertive message to corporate headquarters.) Perhaps there are different levels of authority/culture issues – not just Amero-centric and Corporate Raider ones – that the “mother ship” needs to address. For starters, how about getting feedback from different personnel levels in the overseas firms concerning the perception of the pros and cons of the corporate integration process? If the Europeans believe that the American leadership is genuinely open to and interested in feedback from their overseas staff, that is, if HQ can accept some critical assessment without getting defensive or vindictive, then building trust and a dialogue bridge becomes a distinct possibility.
More specifically, how about allowing folks to critically analyze and assess the two different geo-cultural business systems. Even better, if the American leadership can quickly implement some small yet meaningful suggestions "black or white" assumptions may take on more inviting shades of gray. Letting people discuss what they liked about the Swedish substance and style while allowing a pros and cons comparison with the American business model, is usually the beginning of a “letting go and giving it a chance process.” (Of course, if the Europeans are smart they won’t mention the word “Socialism,” especially while Obama is President. ;-) And if American execs can handle such critique and become positive, open to feedback, relation-building role models perhaps eventually the folks in Brussels may not have to be so wary about status-driven and daunting in-house interaction. (Hmm…I wonder if status issues play out even more in a Euro-culture at least historically known for its aristocracy if not its monarchy.) Apparently, creating dialogue is not such an easy task in any (legal) culture associated with an adversarial, win-lose nature.
I suspect there are universal issues at play: from my years of team building/organizational development experience it's not uncommon for diverse perspectives, needs, and values, along with differences in operational procedures and styles-modes of communication to fly passively and aggressively both between and within HQ and satellite offices, wherever the location. Obviously this is a pretty good definition of or foundation for individual, interpersonal, and organizational conflict!
My personal take home from this experience: the next time doing an international videoconference, I definitely will consult with representatives of my overseas audience to come up with some local and regional “case scenarios.” In addition, with Corporate HR I will discuss more fully the state of the international corporate modus operandi integration. Ideas and strategies to help one and all bridge the geo-cultural divide and to…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II: Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!
Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. This essay will connect emotional losses that linger and loiter and the negative energy that sows shadowy ghostly seeds. Both conditions are impacted by feelings of loss and unrecognized grief which provide a crucible for the gestation of a spectral presence the Doc calls “Grief Ghosts.” Comparing and contrasting the two concepts will help individuals and companies better understand how both burnout and burn-in can set in motion an “erosive spiral” that undermines: a) personal health and motivational focus, b) interpersonal communication, connection, and cooperation, as well as c) team and system productivity. Are you and your company or organization ready for some Workplace Griefbusting?
Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II:
Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!
Thinking about loss factors and being a member of that AA group, Alliterations Anonymous, I couldn’t help but coin the “Eight Dramatic-Depressive ‘D’s” – Death, Disability, Defeat, Damage, Dysfunction, Disillusionment, Disruption, and Disorientation. The “D”s are significant events or experiences infused with bio-psycho-social and/or economic loss. When they are cursorily connected to or disconnected from the process of grief then psychic ground is being laid for restless and roaming if not haunting post-traumatic reverberations. Over time, this hovering, lingering, loitering sense of loss, still not acknowledged or embraced, more often shunned, morphs into alienated grief, or what I call grief ghosts. Burn-in grief ghosts sit heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. (Actually, in light of the number of Boomers who are showing signs of dysfunctional cognitive deficit, I’m on the verge of expanding my “D” list to include premature Dementia. Causing so many levels of loss, this disease is especially haunting for the individual still aware of its debilitating and dependency-inducing effects and, of course, for family members in caretaker roles.)
Let me illustrate some recently encountered “grief ghosts” in my Grief Counselor role for a young government employee and father instantly killed in a “head on” vehicular collision on the way to work. (A big truck crossed over a highway dividing line.) While the employee’s tragic death was the immediate catalyst for the request for a consultation, many of the folks encountered were on what I call the emo-existential edge because of their own long-lasting, lumbering ghosts. A common yet psychologically complex and multifaceted shadow now brought to light was the ghost of stormy marital or intimate relationship past, even one of seemingly ancient history – especially when tensions and tearing down had eventually become a staple of the relationship. Not only were many searing memories connected to the loss-divorce of a spouse or mate who invariably defied simply being loved or detested, but loss involved both the loss of one’s role and identity as a partner, that state of disruption and disorientation. Actually, research indicates it’s harder to emotionally grieve the death of a spouse from a troubled marriage than a mate from a healthier one, perhaps because the interaction of the former was a breeding ground for an array of disturbing ghosts.
In addition, even family of origin voices, often of an all too familiar and manipulative nature – that game-playing, blaming, or shaming variety – may once again overtly reverberate in this volatile land- and mindscape’s “echo-system.” Not surprisingly, this relationship rupture was frequently a shock to a person’s core self-image. And when lingering and especially long-standing, festering subterranean grief collides with crisis tremors, there’s a spectral outpouring of mythic-like effect. Akin to a band of vultures spewed from the bowels of the earth, myriad ghosts arise and circle ominously on a now haunted horizon.
A Swarm of Ghosts: Case Vignette
During the above workplace crisis/grief debriefing, one County Supervisor quickly conjured up multiple ghosts from differing time periods. Interestingly, as I was wandering the office halls, making myself visible, this Supervisor was trying to convince a colleague to have a grief debriefing session with me. Not surprisingly, I had to track her down in her office before she would agree to talk. The first riveting revelation was of an older sister killed in the 9/11 World Center attack. The violent death of her colleague likely heightened the connection to her sister’s horrific demise. Her eyes quickly watered; not surprisingly she expressed surprise. But for me most noteworthy, alas, as many are wont to do, she was also apologetic for her overflow. Which begs the question: Why do so many apologize when they unexpectedly cry? My hypothesis is that: a) the bereaved individual feels it is a sign of weakness, that is, she should have basically “gotten over it” by now, b) believes he or she is imposing their vulnerability upon or discomforting the other party, or c) the bereaved individual believes the other person views the crying as a sign of weakness; of course, this assumption may be correct, however, it may also be a projection. (In fact, crying is your emotional wellspring. When crying out of hurt, fear, or sadness (or even joy) the mind-body becomes a safety valve and cleansing process; emotional tears not only let off pressure and tension but also literally flush out accumulated stress toxins.)
This woman also recalled the stormy interaction and termination of a troubled marriage, its impact on the kids, as well as her decision to retrain professionally, eventually uprooting from family in New Jersey to take her current job in Maryland. Another reason for her volatility was that just a few days before, a somewhat close friend in his late 50s died of a heart attack. And when I asked if she had anyone to talk to at work or on the outside regarding her litany of losses, she shook her head. Over the years, the advice received from most people was, “It’s time you got over it.” Clearly, her support system was on the verge of extinction; all work and little play seemed to be sowing low grade depression. After explaining the propensity for past pain to be dredged up by crisis, I made three suggestions: a) keep grappling with the ghosts, there’s no time line for “getting over it,” b) “fight for what you need” (a mantra that she insisted would shine forth from her screensaver), and c) consider some brief EAP counseling to help with a) and b).
Connecting Loss, Transition, and “The Stages of Grief”
As sad and tragic as they are, the unexpected deaths of her friend and of her colleague have also provided a poignant opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box of grief. And while numerous furies rush out, invariably sowing some chaos in their turbulent draft, many forget that the final spirit out of the box was “hope.” So consider this Stress Doc mantra: Grieve, let go, and grow with the flow!
From a common sense perspective, grief is “the cause (and expression) of intense, deep, and profound sorrow, and other strong emotional outpourings involving a specific event or situation” (Encarta Dictionary) triggered by a significant loss or disruptive change. We often connect loss and grief via the premature death, incapacitation, or separation of a parent, child, grandparent, sibling, or any close relative, friend, or colleague. However, as sketched in Part I, grief may be a byproduct of broad array of experiential and psychological losses and transitions. Particularly when the death, damage, defeat, disability, disillusionment, disruption, or disorientation (or even acknowledged dementia), is sudden or unexpected, this triggers or sets the psychological platform for a grief reaction or response. At minimum, the individual is often thrown into an early grief state-stage, such as “shock” or “denial.”
The critical question regarding a grief process is the degree to which an individual gradually and meaningfully navigates or superficially and dismissively circumvents the various stages. Do you periodically visit and revisit (or shun and block out) the complex of emotions and memories surrounding a major or significant loss? Do you admit the daily impact of diminished mind-body functioning and grieve what was in order to adapt to and explore new potential and possibilities? Does the individual over time pursue in depth journeying (from group sharing to personal reflection-journaling) or avoidance and distraction (or maladaptive numbing)? The answer will likely either generate grief growth or germinate grief ghosts.
I will use the timely theme of job/career disruption for illustrating the “Stages of Grief” and the process of grappling with the psychological component of change, i.e., the threat, loss, and challenge of “transition.” Here are:
The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times
With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the present danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser, and better supported-connected through genuine grief.
As I once penned:
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
A soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career transition-confusion, and uncertainty. So here are "The Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief":
1. Shock and Denial or “This Is Not Possible” or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!
2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" or “What Will They Think Now?” Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, bullied, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.
I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?
3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed, and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.
Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes, albeit powerful ones, than a judgment upon you.
4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" or “Making a Pact with the...Spiritual.” The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity, and esteem) can become louder and more incessant; self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain and demoralize you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle. It’s no longer “black or white”: you are not simply “evil.”
Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.
5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful, and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend (and temper) rage with sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-defeating behavior, e.g., “shooting your self in the foot” or “putting that proverbial foot in mouth” than it does to "Going Postal!"
If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen – if not untie – the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) some doors again.
6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy, and/or money in this position, partner, or one possible outcome…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other? Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:
Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.
7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a one-trial learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues, or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, your energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Grief and depression can be easily confused as loss and sadness are common to both. One possible differentiating factor to consider: depression often involves internalized anger, and the energy needed to hold down an angry eruption further contributes to an exhausted-depressed state. During a grief process one’s anger, whether rational or not, is eventually acknowledged, the “cause” of the anger is more objectively if not forgivingly perceived. Aggressive energy is eventually transformed into more purposeful if not passionate focus and direction. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout, and/or depression.)
Finally, remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with caring or kindred spirits. As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
Part III will examine key existential questions that have bearing on the development of and recovery from both burnout and burn-in. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Loss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief -- Part II:
Grieve, Let Go, and Grow with the Flow!
Thinking about loss factors and being a member of that AA group, Alliterations Anonymous, I couldn’t help but coin the “Eight Dramatic-Depressive ‘D’s” – Death, Disability, Defeat, Damage, Dysfunction, Disillusionment, Disruption, and Disorientation. The “D”s are significant events or experiences infused with bio-psycho-social and/or economic loss. When they are cursorily connected to or disconnected from the process of grief then psychic ground is being laid for restless and roaming if not haunting post-traumatic reverberations. Over time, this hovering, lingering, loitering sense of loss, still not acknowledged or embraced, more often shunned, morphs into alienated grief, or what I call grief ghosts. Burn-in grief ghosts sit heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. (Actually, in light of the number of Boomers who are showing signs of dysfunctional cognitive deficit, I’m on the verge of expanding my “D” list to include premature Dementia. Causing so many levels of loss, this disease is especially haunting for the individual still aware of its debilitating and dependency-inducing effects and, of course, for family members in caretaker roles.)
Let me illustrate some recently encountered “grief ghosts” in my Grief Counselor role for a young government employee and father instantly killed in a “head on” vehicular collision on the way to work. (A big truck crossed over a highway dividing line.) While the employee’s tragic death was the immediate catalyst for the request for a consultation, many of the folks encountered were on what I call the emo-existential edge because of their own long-lasting, lumbering ghosts. A common yet psychologically complex and multifaceted shadow now brought to light was the ghost of stormy marital or intimate relationship past, even one of seemingly ancient history – especially when tensions and tearing down had eventually become a staple of the relationship. Not only were many searing memories connected to the loss-divorce of a spouse or mate who invariably defied simply being loved or detested, but loss involved both the loss of one’s role and identity as a partner, that state of disruption and disorientation. Actually, research indicates it’s harder to emotionally grieve the death of a spouse from a troubled marriage than a mate from a healthier one, perhaps because the interaction of the former was a breeding ground for an array of disturbing ghosts.
In addition, even family of origin voices, often of an all too familiar and manipulative nature – that game-playing, blaming, or shaming variety – may once again overtly reverberate in this volatile land- and mindscape’s “echo-system.” Not surprisingly, this relationship rupture was frequently a shock to a person’s core self-image. And when lingering and especially long-standing, festering subterranean grief collides with crisis tremors, there’s a spectral outpouring of mythic-like effect. Akin to a band of vultures spewed from the bowels of the earth, myriad ghosts arise and circle ominously on a now haunted horizon.
A Swarm of Ghosts: Case Vignette
During the above workplace crisis/grief debriefing, one County Supervisor quickly conjured up multiple ghosts from differing time periods. Interestingly, as I was wandering the office halls, making myself visible, this Supervisor was trying to convince a colleague to have a grief debriefing session with me. Not surprisingly, I had to track her down in her office before she would agree to talk. The first riveting revelation was of an older sister killed in the 9/11 World Center attack. The violent death of her colleague likely heightened the connection to her sister’s horrific demise. Her eyes quickly watered; not surprisingly she expressed surprise. But for me most noteworthy, alas, as many are wont to do, she was also apologetic for her overflow. Which begs the question: Why do so many apologize when they unexpectedly cry? My hypothesis is that: a) the bereaved individual feels it is a sign of weakness, that is, she should have basically “gotten over it” by now, b) believes he or she is imposing their vulnerability upon or discomforting the other party, or c) the bereaved individual believes the other person views the crying as a sign of weakness; of course, this assumption may be correct, however, it may also be a projection. (In fact, crying is your emotional wellspring. When crying out of hurt, fear, or sadness (or even joy) the mind-body becomes a safety valve and cleansing process; emotional tears not only let off pressure and tension but also literally flush out accumulated stress toxins.)
This woman also recalled the stormy interaction and termination of a troubled marriage, its impact on the kids, as well as her decision to retrain professionally, eventually uprooting from family in New Jersey to take her current job in Maryland. Another reason for her volatility was that just a few days before, a somewhat close friend in his late 50s died of a heart attack. And when I asked if she had anyone to talk to at work or on the outside regarding her litany of losses, she shook her head. Over the years, the advice received from most people was, “It’s time you got over it.” Clearly, her support system was on the verge of extinction; all work and little play seemed to be sowing low grade depression. After explaining the propensity for past pain to be dredged up by crisis, I made three suggestions: a) keep grappling with the ghosts, there’s no time line for “getting over it,” b) “fight for what you need” (a mantra that she insisted would shine forth from her screensaver), and c) consider some brief EAP counseling to help with a) and b).
Connecting Loss, Transition, and “The Stages of Grief”
As sad and tragic as they are, the unexpected deaths of her friend and of her colleague have also provided a poignant opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box of grief. And while numerous furies rush out, invariably sowing some chaos in their turbulent draft, many forget that the final spirit out of the box was “hope.” So consider this Stress Doc mantra: Grieve, let go, and grow with the flow!
From a common sense perspective, grief is “the cause (and expression) of intense, deep, and profound sorrow, and other strong emotional outpourings involving a specific event or situation” (Encarta Dictionary) triggered by a significant loss or disruptive change. We often connect loss and grief via the premature death, incapacitation, or separation of a parent, child, grandparent, sibling, or any close relative, friend, or colleague. However, as sketched in Part I, grief may be a byproduct of broad array of experiential and psychological losses and transitions. Particularly when the death, damage, defeat, disability, disillusionment, disruption, or disorientation (or even acknowledged dementia), is sudden or unexpected, this triggers or sets the psychological platform for a grief reaction or response. At minimum, the individual is often thrown into an early grief state-stage, such as “shock” or “denial.”
The critical question regarding a grief process is the degree to which an individual gradually and meaningfully navigates or superficially and dismissively circumvents the various stages. Do you periodically visit and revisit (or shun and block out) the complex of emotions and memories surrounding a major or significant loss? Do you admit the daily impact of diminished mind-body functioning and grieve what was in order to adapt to and explore new potential and possibilities? Does the individual over time pursue in depth journeying (from group sharing to personal reflection-journaling) or avoidance and distraction (or maladaptive numbing)? The answer will likely either generate grief growth or germinate grief ghosts.
I will use the timely theme of job/career disruption for illustrating the “Stages of Grief” and the process of grappling with the psychological component of change, i.e., the threat, loss, and challenge of “transition.” Here are:
The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times
With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the present danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser, and better supported-connected through genuine grief.
As I once penned:
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
A soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career transition-confusion, and uncertainty. So here are "The Stress Doc’s Seven Stages of Grief":
1. Shock and Denial or “This Is Not Possible” or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!
2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" or “What Will They Think Now?” Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, bullied, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.
I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?
3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed, and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.
Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes, albeit powerful ones, than a judgment upon you.
4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" or “Making a Pact with the...Spiritual.” The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity, and esteem) can become louder and more incessant; self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain and demoralize you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle. It’s no longer “black or white”: you are not simply “evil.”
Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.
5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful, and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend (and temper) rage with sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-defeating behavior, e.g., “shooting your self in the foot” or “putting that proverbial foot in mouth” than it does to "Going Postal!"
If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen – if not untie – the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) some doors again.
6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy, and/or money in this position, partner, or one possible outcome…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other? Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:
Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.
7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a one-trial learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues, or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, your energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Grief and depression can be easily confused as loss and sadness are common to both. One possible differentiating factor to consider: depression often involves internalized anger, and the energy needed to hold down an angry eruption further contributes to an exhausted-depressed state. During a grief process one’s anger, whether rational or not, is eventually acknowledged, the “cause” of the anger is more objectively if not forgivingly perceived. Aggressive energy is eventually transformed into more purposeful if not passionate focus and direction. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout, and/or depression.)
Finally, remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with caring or kindred spirits. As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
Part III will examine key existential questions that have bearing on the development of and recovery from both burnout and burn-in. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Burn-in, Burnout, and Workplace Griefbusting -- Part I: Discovering Connections among, Loss, Grief, and Ghosts
1) Just got the link to a recent Internet Radio program in which I was interviewed. It starts about five minutes into the show and goes to about the 75th minute. We discuss stress, grief, and intimate/spiritual connection in our work and family lives. I think you will enjoy it. Please feel free to share the link. Below is a note from the host and producer of the show along with my response.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/theh2onetwork/2012/03/10/the-stress-doc-mark-gorkin-msw-licsw.
------------------------
3/13
Greetings Mark!
I had a wonderful time on air! Thank you for coming to hang out because I know that you are very, very busy! In addition, here is the link to our last show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/theh2onetwork/2012/03/10/the-stress-doc-mark-gorkin-msw-licsw.
Please keep in touch, and have a wonderful rest of the week! You sounded Great!!
Hugs,
Dia
rg345@nyu.edu
-----------------------------
3/14
Dia,
I really want to thank you again. I listened to our program. You really helped bring out (an awareness of) my recent evolution. I thought we had a wonderful, very sympatico, caring, and understanding give and take.
Warm hugs. To be continued.
Mark
P.S. I will be sharing the program with my newsletter list.
-----------------------------
New Essay
Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. Comparing and contrasting the two concepts will help individuals and companies better understand how both burnout and burn-in can set in motion an “erosive spiral” that undermines: a) personal health and motivational focus, b) interpersonal communication, connection, and cooperation, as well as c) team and system productivity. And both conditions are impacted by feelings of loss and unrecognized grief which provide a crucible for the gestation of a spectral presence the Doc calls “Grief Ghosts.” Are you and your company or organization ready for some Workplace Griefbusting?
Burn-in, Burnout, and Workplace Griefbusting -- Part I:
Discovering Connections among, Loss, Grief, and Ghosts
Over the years, speaking presentations and writings on burnout have connected me with live audiences and many folks on the Internet. Seeing their life and themselves more clearly, albeit, painfully, has helped readers and program participants begin to find the pass in the erosive impasse. (For example, years back, when I was living in New Orleans, a stress workshop attendee asked if I’d been travelin in North Louisiana. In response to my puzzled look and negative shake of the head, he continued: “The way you described those burnout stages…well, you must have been lookin in my window!”) And recently, a reader who found my website and writings – www.stressdoc.com – wrote of her newfound hope in finally being able to get off the burnout treadmill.
Waking Up to Grief and Ghosts
In my early thirties, shortly after my own personal academic burnout experience, I began to emotionally and intellectually explore and write about the topic in depth. Now, three decades later, a new epiphany is dawning. In response to my father’s death this past Father’s Day, I wrote about his tortured and triumphant life and the evolving awareness of the myriad emotions stirred by our distant and embattled yet, for periods of time, uncommonly honest and intimate relationship. The result was a greater understanding of how “grief ghosts” walk and stalk the chambers of so many minds, hearts, and souls. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for my essay of remembrance, “A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man,” or click on http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/07/requiem-for-last-angry-man-sons-eulogy.html.)
Actually, the realization of lingering grief’s scope was sparked by the emails received in response to my requiem. After offering much appreciated condolences, almost universally, each reader mentioned a personal loss – whether recent or distant – that was still being harbored in an uneasy, if not somewhat stormy, port of recall. And several readers envied (quite warmly, actually) my ability to track and capture that father-son rollercoaster relationship. When ready, they too wanted to embark on such an exploratory quest, to dig deep with their own evolving, hard-earned voice to unearth and embrace the ethereal mix of ghostly shadow and substance.
Defining Burn-in, Burnout, and Loss
To help an interested soul searcher and potential ghost-grief buster, let’s define and illustrate some basic terminology that will both help connect and differentiate burn-in (with its typically more internal, yin energy and essence) from burnout (with its more external, yang nature).
A. Burn-in. This covert condition involves recent and past losses that have not been emotionally grappled with or have only been superficially or briefly acknowledged, that is, they have not been honestly, openly, and meaningfully grieved. Such lingering losses include the emotional if not post-traumatic aftermath of such life events or experiences as death and divorce, growing up in (substance) abusing families, jolted by on-the-job trauma, or stunned by an unexpected RIF, foreclosure, major illness, or natural disaster. The grief of a significant loss that contributes to understanding and growth is rarely a one-trial learning curve; actually, there are initial grief stages as well as an ongoing, lifetime process of memory and reflection, identification and integration. (And worth noting, I believe grief denied or loitering grief ghost stress and pain, over time, may also foster memory loss or even dementia. Of course, another popular way of anesthetizing grief ghosts is by substance abuse, which certainly can damage organic brain functioning.) The specific nature of head, heart, and soul expanding or contracting grief journey reflects the bio-psycho-social history, personality, emotional support, as well as the eco-cultural landscape and mindscape of the individual. Alas, burn-in sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. Be advised, these ghosts are also loitering in your office halls and on your work floors.
B. Burnout. As previously penned in popular burnout writing, Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism and confusion, a feeling of being drained and having nothing more to give. (If interested, email stressdoc@aol.com for my popular article, Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront, including “the four stages of burnout.”) While burn-in is an accumulation of insufficiently acknowledged or grieved experiential losses culminating in ghostly agitation, burnout is generated by being worn down and feeling depleted due to an over-demanding or under-stimulating environment. The “erosive spiral” evokes an array of psychological and existential loss: from loss of control, to loss of "hope" (e.g., according to psychiatrist Jerome Frank, “hopelessness is an inability to imagine a tolerable future”), to loss of pride, passion, position, or possibility. However, if denied or dismissed, these psychological losses too can germinate emo-existential ghosts.
C. Loss. Clearly, both burnout and burn-in are intimately connected to the concept of loss. Actually, many life events and an array of mind-body-spirit experiences and expressions are touched by loss. This ever-present concept and connection becomes clearer by surveying the Collins English Dictionary (along with some of my own associations), for relevant definitions, synonyms, and usages of “loss”:
1. something that is lost; "the car was a total loss"; loss of innocence, loss of a promotion, loss of control, loss of a dream, to lose one’s self;
b. forfeit, forfeiture - something that is lost or surrendered as a penalty;
c. sacrifice - a loss entailed by giving up or selling something at less than its value; "he had to sell his (house) at a considerable sacrifice"
d. wastage - anything lost by wear or waste; both burn-in and burnout involve an “erosive spiral”
2. gradual decline in amount or activity; loss of energy, desire, or motivation; "a serious loss of business"
a. decline, diminution - change toward something smaller or lower
3. the act of losing someone or something; "everyone expected him to win so his loss was a shock"
a. failure - an act that fails; "his failure to pass the test"
b. default - loss due to not showing up; "he lost the game by default"
c. capitulation, surrender, fall - the act of surrendering (usually under agreed conditions);
4. the disadvantage that results from losing something; "his loss of credibility led to his resignation";
a. deprivation – deficit, deficiency, scarcity, poverty
b. disadvantage - the quality of having an inferior or less favorable position; being a “loser”
5. the experience of losing a loved one; "he sympathized on the loss of their grandfather"
a. experience - an event as apprehended; "a surprising experience"; "that painful experience certainly got our attention"
6. the amount by which the cost of a business exceeds its revenue; "the company operated at a loss last year";
7. military personnel lost by death, injury, capture, or sacrifice
a. casualty - a decrease of military personnel or equipment
b. combat injury, wound, injury - a casualty to military personnel resulting from combat
c. sacrifice - personnel that are sacrificed (e.g., surrendered or lost in order to gain an objective)
8. euphemistic expression for death; "thousands mourned his passing"
a. exit, expiration, going, passing, departure, release
euphemism - an inoffensive or indirect expression that is substituted for one that is considered offensive or too harsh
9. “to be at a loss”
a. uncertain what to do; bewildered
b. rendered helpless (for lack of something) at a loss for words; incomprehensible, mystified
Identifying and Illustrating Loss
As noted, “loss” may range from the loss of a loved one (including a pet) or a desired position along with the loss of face as well as loss of a dream, to a general loss of energy and sense of control, etc. More specifically, we experience the pain of significant loss and potential for grief from a variety of disruptive life family and work-life interruptions and separations, rejections, and traumatic jolts. Of course, at least as poignant, are the fantasies of “childhood innocence” (or “good enough” parenting, shelter, friendships, or stability) lost through premature death, separation, and abandonment, or through frequent or painful uprooting from a family home, or a childhood contaminated by: a) chronic illness, b) disability due to genetics or a horrific accident, c) intense school or peer group bullying, and d) family trauma and chronic (e.g., substance) abuse.
Loss can also be triggered by chronic uncertainty or the unexpected withdrawal of a promise, pathway, or opportunity. In response to a RIF (Reduction in Force), I recall a manager-in-training exclaiming: “I once had a career path…then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it.”
There’s also a paradoxical quality to loss. Some positive experiences, for example, a promotion that requires new and relatively untested skills and responsibilities may also evoke a bewildering or overwhelming sense of “loss of control,” as well as a threat to one’s identity and image. Or a new mother, jolted by biochemical disruption as well as family tension, not to mention the transition to a new roles as mother and parental partner (or, perhaps single parent), may experience personal loss and stress” not to mention post-partum depression.
Finally, loss and a grief process may also be conjured by memories of a time and place or of a socio-cultural ambiance that touched one deeply and can never quite be replicated or replaced. For example, having savored the multi-layered tastes and colors, the sights, sounds, and smells, the “oddball and outcast” spirits of the Big Easy in the ‘70s and ‘80s, having come out of the creative closet during my “American in Cajun Paris” years…My transition from New Orleans to Washington, DC definitely evoked some cultural disorientation. I still can’t listen to the Beatles poignant number, In My Life, without wistfully thinking of people and places down in the bayou. I genuflect at the mantra: Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans!
During my N'Awlins daze, I captured the paradoxical -- double-edged danger and opportunity -- quality of loss and grief: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
Stay tuned for more writings on loss, grief and “erosive” ghosts. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/theh2onetwork/2012/03/10/the-stress-doc-mark-gorkin-msw-licsw.
------------------------
3/13
Greetings Mark!
I had a wonderful time on air! Thank you for coming to hang out because I know that you are very, very busy! In addition, here is the link to our last show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/theh2onetwork/2012/03/10/the-stress-doc-mark-gorkin-msw-licsw.
Please keep in touch, and have a wonderful rest of the week! You sounded Great!!
Hugs,
Dia
rg345@nyu.edu
-----------------------------
3/14
Dia,
I really want to thank you again. I listened to our program. You really helped bring out (an awareness of) my recent evolution. I thought we had a wonderful, very sympatico, caring, and understanding give and take.
Warm hugs. To be continued.
Mark
P.S. I will be sharing the program with my newsletter list.
-----------------------------
New Essay
Current writings about grief and ghosts have enabled the Stress Doc to appreciate parallels between burnout and his newly conceived and coined burn-in. Comparing and contrasting the two concepts will help individuals and companies better understand how both burnout and burn-in can set in motion an “erosive spiral” that undermines: a) personal health and motivational focus, b) interpersonal communication, connection, and cooperation, as well as c) team and system productivity. And both conditions are impacted by feelings of loss and unrecognized grief which provide a crucible for the gestation of a spectral presence the Doc calls “Grief Ghosts.” Are you and your company or organization ready for some Workplace Griefbusting?
Burn-in, Burnout, and Workplace Griefbusting -- Part I:
Discovering Connections among, Loss, Grief, and Ghosts
Over the years, speaking presentations and writings on burnout have connected me with live audiences and many folks on the Internet. Seeing their life and themselves more clearly, albeit, painfully, has helped readers and program participants begin to find the pass in the erosive impasse. (For example, years back, when I was living in New Orleans, a stress workshop attendee asked if I’d been travelin in North Louisiana. In response to my puzzled look and negative shake of the head, he continued: “The way you described those burnout stages…well, you must have been lookin in my window!”) And recently, a reader who found my website and writings – www.stressdoc.com – wrote of her newfound hope in finally being able to get off the burnout treadmill.
Waking Up to Grief and Ghosts
In my early thirties, shortly after my own personal academic burnout experience, I began to emotionally and intellectually explore and write about the topic in depth. Now, three decades later, a new epiphany is dawning. In response to my father’s death this past Father’s Day, I wrote about his tortured and triumphant life and the evolving awareness of the myriad emotions stirred by our distant and embattled yet, for periods of time, uncommonly honest and intimate relationship. The result was a greater understanding of how “grief ghosts” walk and stalk the chambers of so many minds, hearts, and souls. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for my essay of remembrance, “A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man,” or click on http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/07/requiem-for-last-angry-man-sons-eulogy.html.)
Actually, the realization of lingering grief’s scope was sparked by the emails received in response to my requiem. After offering much appreciated condolences, almost universally, each reader mentioned a personal loss – whether recent or distant – that was still being harbored in an uneasy, if not somewhat stormy, port of recall. And several readers envied (quite warmly, actually) my ability to track and capture that father-son rollercoaster relationship. When ready, they too wanted to embark on such an exploratory quest, to dig deep with their own evolving, hard-earned voice to unearth and embrace the ethereal mix of ghostly shadow and substance.
Defining Burn-in, Burnout, and Loss
To help an interested soul searcher and potential ghost-grief buster, let’s define and illustrate some basic terminology that will both help connect and differentiate burn-in (with its typically more internal, yin energy and essence) from burnout (with its more external, yang nature).
A. Burn-in. This covert condition involves recent and past losses that have not been emotionally grappled with or have only been superficially or briefly acknowledged, that is, they have not been honestly, openly, and meaningfully grieved. Such lingering losses include the emotional if not post-traumatic aftermath of such life events or experiences as death and divorce, growing up in (substance) abusing families, jolted by on-the-job trauma, or stunned by an unexpected RIF, foreclosure, major illness, or natural disaster. The grief of a significant loss that contributes to understanding and growth is rarely a one-trial learning curve; actually, there are initial grief stages as well as an ongoing, lifetime process of memory and reflection, identification and integration. (And worth noting, I believe grief denied or loitering grief ghost stress and pain, over time, may also foster memory loss or even dementia. Of course, another popular way of anesthetizing grief ghosts is by substance abuse, which certainly can damage organic brain functioning.) The specific nature of head, heart, and soul expanding or contracting grief journey reflects the bio-psycho-social history, personality, emotional support, as well as the eco-cultural landscape and mindscape of the individual. Alas, burn-in sits heavy on many people’s minds and bodies, hearts and souls. Be advised, these ghosts are also loitering in your office halls and on your work floors.
B. Burnout. As previously penned in popular burnout writing, Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism and confusion, a feeling of being drained and having nothing more to give. (If interested, email stressdoc@aol.com for my popular article, Combat Strategies at the Burnout Battlefront, including “the four stages of burnout.”) While burn-in is an accumulation of insufficiently acknowledged or grieved experiential losses culminating in ghostly agitation, burnout is generated by being worn down and feeling depleted due to an over-demanding or under-stimulating environment. The “erosive spiral” evokes an array of psychological and existential loss: from loss of control, to loss of "hope" (e.g., according to psychiatrist Jerome Frank, “hopelessness is an inability to imagine a tolerable future”), to loss of pride, passion, position, or possibility. However, if denied or dismissed, these psychological losses too can germinate emo-existential ghosts.
C. Loss. Clearly, both burnout and burn-in are intimately connected to the concept of loss. Actually, many life events and an array of mind-body-spirit experiences and expressions are touched by loss. This ever-present concept and connection becomes clearer by surveying the Collins English Dictionary (along with some of my own associations), for relevant definitions, synonyms, and usages of “loss”:
1. something that is lost; "the car was a total loss"; loss of innocence, loss of a promotion, loss of control, loss of a dream, to lose one’s self;
b. forfeit, forfeiture - something that is lost or surrendered as a penalty;
c. sacrifice - a loss entailed by giving up or selling something at less than its value; "he had to sell his (house) at a considerable sacrifice"
d. wastage - anything lost by wear or waste; both burn-in and burnout involve an “erosive spiral”
2. gradual decline in amount or activity; loss of energy, desire, or motivation; "a serious loss of business"
a. decline, diminution - change toward something smaller or lower
3. the act of losing someone or something; "everyone expected him to win so his loss was a shock"
a. failure - an act that fails; "his failure to pass the test"
b. default - loss due to not showing up; "he lost the game by default"
c. capitulation, surrender, fall - the act of surrendering (usually under agreed conditions);
4. the disadvantage that results from losing something; "his loss of credibility led to his resignation";
a. deprivation – deficit, deficiency, scarcity, poverty
b. disadvantage - the quality of having an inferior or less favorable position; being a “loser”
5. the experience of losing a loved one; "he sympathized on the loss of their grandfather"
a. experience - an event as apprehended; "a surprising experience"; "that painful experience certainly got our attention"
6. the amount by which the cost of a business exceeds its revenue; "the company operated at a loss last year";
7. military personnel lost by death, injury, capture, or sacrifice
a. casualty - a decrease of military personnel or equipment
b. combat injury, wound, injury - a casualty to military personnel resulting from combat
c. sacrifice - personnel that are sacrificed (e.g., surrendered or lost in order to gain an objective)
8. euphemistic expression for death; "thousands mourned his passing"
a. exit, expiration, going, passing, departure, release
euphemism - an inoffensive or indirect expression that is substituted for one that is considered offensive or too harsh
9. “to be at a loss”
a. uncertain what to do; bewildered
b. rendered helpless (for lack of something) at a loss for words; incomprehensible, mystified
Identifying and Illustrating Loss
As noted, “loss” may range from the loss of a loved one (including a pet) or a desired position along with the loss of face as well as loss of a dream, to a general loss of energy and sense of control, etc. More specifically, we experience the pain of significant loss and potential for grief from a variety of disruptive life family and work-life interruptions and separations, rejections, and traumatic jolts. Of course, at least as poignant, are the fantasies of “childhood innocence” (or “good enough” parenting, shelter, friendships, or stability) lost through premature death, separation, and abandonment, or through frequent or painful uprooting from a family home, or a childhood contaminated by: a) chronic illness, b) disability due to genetics or a horrific accident, c) intense school or peer group bullying, and d) family trauma and chronic (e.g., substance) abuse.
Loss can also be triggered by chronic uncertainty or the unexpected withdrawal of a promise, pathway, or opportunity. In response to a RIF (Reduction in Force), I recall a manager-in-training exclaiming: “I once had a career path…then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it.”
There’s also a paradoxical quality to loss. Some positive experiences, for example, a promotion that requires new and relatively untested skills and responsibilities may also evoke a bewildering or overwhelming sense of “loss of control,” as well as a threat to one’s identity and image. Or a new mother, jolted by biochemical disruption as well as family tension, not to mention the transition to a new roles as mother and parental partner (or, perhaps single parent), may experience personal loss and stress” not to mention post-partum depression.
Finally, loss and a grief process may also be conjured by memories of a time and place or of a socio-cultural ambiance that touched one deeply and can never quite be replicated or replaced. For example, having savored the multi-layered tastes and colors, the sights, sounds, and smells, the “oddball and outcast” spirits of the Big Easy in the ‘70s and ‘80s, having come out of the creative closet during my “American in Cajun Paris” years…My transition from New Orleans to Washington, DC definitely evoked some cultural disorientation. I still can’t listen to the Beatles poignant number, In My Life, without wistfully thinking of people and places down in the bayou. I genuflect at the mantra: Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans!
During my N'Awlins daze, I captured the paradoxical -- double-edged danger and opportunity -- quality of loss and grief: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position, or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
Stay tuned for more writings on loss, grief and “erosive” ghosts. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/OD Company. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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