This
is truly a heartfelt essay about expanding leadership awareness and skills from
interacting with the little bundle of energy and joy below. Hopefully, my
observations and insights will have relevance across generations and in
your varied leadership roles. P.S. Her mom "loved" the essay!
----------------
What
I Learned about Engagement, Motivation, and Leadership from a 13-Month Old –
Part I
Having missed out on parenthood, I’ve
never before spent this much undivided and intimate time with a one-year
old. At some point during my joy and
fascination with Charlotte I sensed that there were aspects of our togetherness
– our connection, relating, and mutual play – that had implications for
building trust, engaging shared exploration and discovery, as well as empathically
relating to and positively motivating all manner of adults.
Blending
the Experiential and the Conceptual
This exposition incorporates personal OJT,
the concept of “Locus of Control,” and ideas from Worforce.com’s terrific, 2012 article, “Actionable Leadership in
the Creative Age,” based on a global array of employee/company responses to Skillsoft’s
21st Century Leadership Survey. The
study sought leadership attributes and capabilities that will help generate
sustainable organizational success and innovation both today and tomorrow. And the “Six Top Leadership Characteristics
for the 21st Century”: Global
perspective, Forward-looking, Relationship-builder, High integrity, Collaborative,
and Open-minded.
However, let me now share my cross-generational,
“Charlotte- and Creative Age-Inspired
Ten Leadership Concepts, Tools, and
Techniques”:
1. Get Down to Earth.
Getting on the floor, into the toy trenches with Charlotte, seeing and
engaging her world from ground perspective, is bottom-line for building comfort,
credibility, and trust. Being down to
earth, coming off the authority pedestal (even if only periodically), helps
reduce status differences; people can more easily acknowledge their own
strengths and flaws when a leader doesn’t try to uphold a perfect image or wear
an inscrutable mask. Finding such human
and common ground allows folks to eyeball and identify with you, facilitating
more open and spontaneous sharing and relating across generations.
2. Be Fully Present and Patient.
Not so dissimilar from many adults or teens, little people want
attention. And while they cannot be the
perpetual center of the universe (despite what they may believe or demand),
when in your sphere of engagement...“Stop, Look, and Listen.” Undivided attention gives a clear
message: what’s transpiring between us is important to you, to me, and to our
relationship…and btw, is being judiciously noted under the watchful eyes of
a mother and grandmother, along with significant others. (Think a one-on-one manner of relating affects
how others perceive your “people skills” and capacity for group
leadership?) Careful attention,
especially to a person’s emotional framework and worldview, is at the heart of respect.
Being
and Playing with Charlotte
With Charlotte, being fully present
means getting up close and first seeing what she’s doing, who or what she’s
engaged with, what she’s moving toward (or resisting), or what she’s about to
grab…and, of course, if anything is upsetting her. Unless there’s a break in the action, I
typically hold off providing her an object to play with. (Actually, I just try “to be” – perhaps in a
quietly receptive, “Taoistic” sense – though a smile invariably lights up my
face. I don’t want to distract her; I
simply want her to get used to my physical presence.) Eventually, I may ask her what she wants to
do, knowing full well that message sent may not exactly be message received. However, her subsequent body language, actions,
and choices will usually reveal if she likes my suggestion or not. For example, I may hold up a little orange
disc, hide it inside a hard-covered book, and then ask Charlotte, “Where’s the
disc?” Initially, I have to turn the
pages to uncover the disc. But after one
or two sequences, Charlotte starts turning the pages. Upon finding the disc, her eyes widen and
illuminate wonder. Now she’s hiding the
disc in the book, and we’re off and seeking all over again.
The
Essence of Presence and Patience
My goal is not to get her to do what I
want her to do. In fact, as previously
stated, my goal is to be present and patient – to observe what she is focused
on or toying with and what subsequently evolves in our interplay. Being fully present and patient means taking
the time to recognize and to try getting in sync with the other’s energy, pace,
and style of engagement, (e.g., is the individual presently tired, stressed, or
alert?; is he or she quiet, reflective, or more of an introvert or active,
talkative, or likely an extrovert?). You
want to at least acknowledge the other’s psychological state as well as likes
and dislikes.
Of course, with adults, acknowledgment
doesn’t necessarily mean agreement, but it often aids understanding, especially
when you ask trust-building “good questions”:
a) admitting you don’t have all the answers and b) showing interest in
the other’s beliefs, motives, and actions.
A person begins to feel safe and recognized, if not validated when
sensing both your head and heart are open and are trying to grasp his or her
essence as well as immediate needs, frustrations, and desires.
Finally, for a leader, patience with
oneself is also critical: for a period
of time, putting another’s needs and concern’s ahead of one’s own without
denying your own needs and concerns (both short-and long-term) may well be an emotionally
and strategically complex balancing act; actually it’s a maturational skill
that takes time and practice, trial and error.
(Remember, whether parent or caregiver, educator or leader, when laboring under self-denying and unrealistic
expectations or conditions, burnout is typically
less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away!)
3. Pay Attention to Verbal and Nonverbal Cues.
Interacting with Charlotte, who isn’t quite talking yet (she can say
“mama” and “dada” and to my girlfriend’s delight, also “nana”) highlights the
importance of tuning into her body language – facial expressions, all manner of
gestures, joyful or disdainful wiggling, squirming, and shaking – to an array
of vocalizations – from squeals and screeches to whines and wails, all
radiating personal and interpersonal meaning, whether obscure or obvious. And naturally, mirroring some of Charlotte’s spontaneous,
non-stop fireworks extravaganza helps release my own inner child and its verbal
and nonverbal exhibition of the primitive and the purposeful, the serious and
the silly. I’m wired…experiencing a jolt
of brain-body, bi-hemispheric peace of minds; and we are wired – the two of us
are bonding, becoming, to use mom’s expression, “good buddies!”
4. Allow Other to Be the Director. As
much as possible, I follow Charlotte’s lead, including crawling after her
around the living room. I want to know her
intentions and maybe learn her seedling aspirations. I choose to embrace, sometimes to chew on (in
more ways than one), and build upon the objects she extends, to: a) affirm my appreciation of her valuable offering,
b) concentrate on and mutually elaborate the game or task at hand, and c) encourage
the construction of our “buddy bridge.” And even when I initiate a game or an
experiment, I try to provide the smallest possible clue needed to arouse her
attention and focus. I want Charlotte to
choose the next step, whether she follows my lead or breaks off into an
unexpected direction.
In addition, despite her being just
over a year and six inches shy of a yard and, understandably, still a “pawn” – that
is, when it comes to much of life’s necessities, highly dependent upon and
under the control of others – this little girl is also an “origin” (and an original, as we all once were). I want to support a process of discovery whereby
her actions and choices have meaningful impact.
Some might suggest that I’m mostly feeding infantile, “I am the world”
omnipotence (which is certainly starting to develop at this age, with or
without my encouragement). In fact, this “follow the little leader”
pattern of interaction is helping cultivate Charlotte’s individual identity,
efficacy, and responsibility (see below).
Personally, it’s also great fun and relaxing; it is nice turning off the
“calling the shots,” adult, analytic motor.
Paradoxically, in the moment our
interaction is delightfully playful; yet, at some point, after the fact and
fun, poignant reflection hits home. My
intimate connection with Charlotte by stirring if not evoking – consciously and
not – childhood memories and reflections is providing a double-edged
existential opportunity : a) being
compelled to recall extended, hazy, painfully lonely, and darkly fearful times
in my childhood – e.g., when I was one-and-a-half, my father had a major
psychiatric breakdown and subsequent shock therapy regimen; this was followed
by a nuclear anxiety attack and toxic mushroom cloud that enveloped the family
for years; also, the stress-filled nights banging my little head against a
mattress to shut down the tension and knock myself to sleep, yet, also, b) to
courageously embrace these haunting memories and, once again, clean out these ancient
wounds while gratefully releasing some “grief ghosts.”
Remember, if one is prepared to do
ones headwork, heart work, and homework, all intimate interaction, whatever the
generational configuration or role relationship, has this yin and yang – haunting/healing
– potential.
Locus
and Focus
You might say I’m trying to cultivate
her “Internal Locus of Control.” According to Wikipedia, Locus of Control
is a theory in personality psychology referring to the extent to which
individuals believe that they can control events that affect them. The concept was developed by Julian B. Rotter
in 1954, and has since become an aspect of personality studies. A person's "locus" (Latin for
"place" or "location") is conceptualized as either internal (the person believes that their actions primarily influence or control
their life) or external (meaning they believe that their decisions
and life are mostly controlled by environmental factors, fate, or luck beyond
their influence). For example, in
contrast to “external” peers, students who were more internally controlled believed
that hard work and focus would result in successful academic progress, and they
performed better academically.
Exploring further, when a person with
an internal locus of control does
not perform as well as expected on a test, they would assign blame to personal lack
of preparedness. If performing well, a
test-taker would attribute this to effort and ability to study. In contrast, when a person with a high external locus of control does poorly
on a test, the individual will likely attribute this to the difficulty of the
test questions or perhaps to coming down with a cold. If he performed well on a test, the “external”
student might downplay his influence, thinking the teacher was lenient, that most
likely all did well, or that he was lucky.
Finally, locus of control has also been included as one of four dimensions of core self-evaluations – one's fundamental
appraisal of oneself – along with
neuroticism, self-efficacy, and self-esteem. The concept of core self-evaluations successfully
predicts several work outcomes, specifically, job satisfaction and job
performance.
5. Blend Immediate Recognition and Purposefully Productive
Praise. In today’s electronic hyperspeed
world, where the next distraction or burning answer to a question is seemingly
at your fingertips, the need for immediate feedback has almost become a
craving. If this is the new normal, then
the timing and manner of feedback, whatever the authority role, is mission and
maturation critical…but especially with young children.
When interacting with a one-year old,
I suspect there’s something instinctual about the adult “oohs and ahhs” and
immediate recognition garnered by Charlotte’s intended or accidental
behaviors. For very quickly her actions stimulate
both accolades (that universal chorus
of she’s “so cute,” “so wonderful,” or “so smart”) and heightened awareness (for example, eyes on the
prize help prevent little
heads from bumping into table edges.) But
after reading about a research study cited in the abovementioned, “Actionable
Leadership in the Creative Age,” at some point, sooner rather than later, in my
intentional interactions with Charlotte, I will likely forge a higher synthesis
from “accolades” and “awareness” (especially involving my verbal
communication). I shall be focusing on and
appreciating Charlotte’s effort and determination more than her “wonderful
talent” (or “good family genes”)…and have my feedback reflect this change in
perception. “Why,” you may ask? (Hint:
it has something to do with locus
of control.)
Praise
Effort and Grit, Not Talent
To provide an answer, let me quote
from the Workforce.com article. Carol Dweck, the Lewis and Virginia Eaton
Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, led a fascinating study in 1998
in which she and her colleagues gave 400 fifth
graders a series of tests, mostly puzzles. The researchers then praised the students in two different ways, using only six words. With
half of the group they said, “You must be smart at this,” (or “talent”) and
with the other half they said, “You must have tried really hard” (or “effort”).
[Ed Note: Below are self-devised titles for the four
rounds of Dweck’s study.]
Round
I: Type of Praise Received (TPR) and Self-Perceived
Abilities
The first word set awarded intelligence and innate talent, similar to
how many of us parents and coaches (me included) get trapped into talking
about, and to, our kids. We say how
smart they are, or how naturally gifted they are. The second
word set praised effort, determination, preparation, grit. What the researchers were interested in was how the kids, depending on the type of
praise they received, would view their abilities—as fixed and unchanging, or as
malleable and able to grow and change with work.
Round
II: Type of Praise Received (TPR) and
Preference for Problem Difficulty
In the next round of puzzles, the kids
were offered a choice: they could try harder problems or easier
ones. Perhaps surprisingly, the kids praised for talent selected the easier
problems while the kids praised for effort chose to attempt the harder ones. Why? While we might think that receiving praise for innate abilities would inspire confidence, the
Dweck found out that instead we create a
form of status—a height from which to fall. If
people believe they have special talent and are expected to perform well, the
thought of failing expectations becomes a liability. To
protect themselves as “gifted and talented” individuals, they will choose
easier tasks to ensure they have high performance.
Round
III: Harder Problems, Poor Performance,
and Subject Cover-up by TPR
In the next part of the study, both sets of kids were given harder
problems to solve and both sets of kids performed more poorly. Not surprising, but here’s the interesting
thing: When the researchers asked the
kids how they did on the problems, the
kids praised for talent lied 40 percent of the time, presumably to maintain
their social status as “talented.”
However, when the kids praised for effort were asked the same question,
only 10 percent of them exaggerated their performance, presumably because their
ego was not wrapped up in their performance.
Round
IV: Retest, Type of Praise Received, Ego
State, and Performance Outcome
Here’s where it gets really
interesting. In the next phase of the
study, both sets of kids were given
problems comparable to the original set of problems. In terms of difficulty, this next set was
just as challenging as the first. The group
praised for talent had just had an ego setback in the earlier round and did
20 percent worse than they did the first time around. They were told they were smart, then they
performed poorly, and now when they attacked the same level of difficulty with
decreased confidence, they do 20 percent worse. The second or “effort” group, on the other
hand, did 30 percent better this time around. For those
kids, success was about effort, and
failure just meant they needed to work harder instead of worrying about loss of
status.
Type
of Praise Received and Implications for Locus of Control
Let’s return to the aforementioned
concept,” locus of control” – a core method of self-appraisal – for a moment. It appears that in Dweck’s study “praising
for talent” encourages a more external
locus of control – subjects begin to worry about failing expectations
(especially in the eyes of others) and maintaining social status. This preoccupation affects choice of problems
tackled along with self-report integrity, while also lowering subsequent problem
solving performance. In contrast,
“praising for effort” is an internal
generator: again, compared to “‘external’
peers, students who were more internally controlled believed that hard work and
focus would result in successful academic progress, and they performed better
academically.” Clearly, the means (or
perceived method and muscle) don’t simply justify but also fortify end results!
Work-Life
Application of Process Praise
While the difference between researcher
Carol Dweck’s two groups of kids was just six words, keep in mind there are a
lot of ways to say, “You must have tried really hard.” Dweck and her colleagues use this kind of
effort or “process praise” for encouraging engagement, resiliency, perseverance,
improvement, and other processes, including, of course, developing internal locus of control.
Here are some examples of how to convey recognition of grit and perseverance in
those around you, modeled on Dweck’s suggestions:
• “You really prepared for that meeting, and
your presentation showed it. You
researched the customer’s company and interests, outlined the problem perfectly
and presented solutions very well. That
really worked!”
• “I like the way you tried all kinds of
strategies on that reporting problem until you finally got it.”
• “It was a long, hard research assignment, but
you stuck to it and got it done. You
stayed at the task, kept up your concentration and kept working. That’s great!”
• “I like that you took on that challenging
project for the new business group. It
will take a lot of work—doing the research, designing the integration,
acquiring the resources, and building it.
You’re going to learn a lot of great things”… that will be valuable for
yourself and for the company.
Next
time you see excellence, praise the effort it must have taken to get there. You’ll not only be rewarding
excellence but also building growth and confidence.
Closing
Summary
Examining his interaction with an
energetic and enthusiastic toddler in, “What I Learned about Engagement,
Motivation, and Leadership from a 13-Month Old – Part I,” the Stress Doc
outlines the first five “Charlotte- and Creative Age-Inspired Ten Leadership
Concepts, Tools, and Techniques.” In a
variety of settings, these ideas and strategies will help leaders: a) facilitate confidence and competence, b)
establish and evolve a sense of trust, as well as c) internally motivate children
of all ages. The “Fab Five”:
1.
Get Down to Earth
2.
Be Fully Present and Patient3. Pay Attention to Verbal and Nonverbal Cues
4. Allow Other to Be the Director
5. Blend Immediate Recognition and Productive Praise
Part II will complete your toolkit. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The
Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker,
is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist
& Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring
and FUN programs for both government agencies and major
corporations. A training and Critical
Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company,
Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading
“Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed
Services. Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The
Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite"
-- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by
National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's programs or to
receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.
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