Wicked "Riffed-Off" Satire and "Reorg Rag" Wit and Wisdom: Dealing with Sequestration Blues

With Sequestration in the ether (whether it is a disorienting, dysfunctional, destructive, or a truly devastating virus remains to be seen), I examined previous writings on significant organizational crises and their aftermaths, e.g., the US Postal Service’s major RIF in the ‘90s and the Enron debacle.  Whether the culture is corporate, government, or congressional one discovers a climate of questionable leadership and “clinging to a sinking ship,” if not criminal ship of state.  Diagnostic similarities abound and the rehabilitation strategies “still apply as time goes by.”

Today, however, raiding the Stress Doc Classics vault, I will share a creative “RIF-fed Off” satire and a witty lyric, “The Reorg Rag.” I believe you might enjoy some emotional relief if not a few laughs.

And finally, if the uncertainty and stress is getting you down, consider this haven of relief:

National Stress-Conflict Resolution-Team Building Expert, Psychohumorist ™, Author, and Retreat Facilitator, The Stress Doc™ (www.stressdoc.com) and rustic yet comfy Rivendell Cabins, Franklin, NC, (http://www.RivendellCabins.com ) teaming up for a Busy Women's Retreat, the weekend of May 3-5, 2013. Recharge in the beautiful Smoky Mtns. Develop Stress Resiliency, Set Healthy Relationship Boundaries, Prevent/Recover from Burnout, Design Work-Life Transitioning, Reconnect to Creative Passion. Share great ideas, emotional support, Yoga classes, Relaxation-Visualization exercises. Three rustic and comfortable cabins; also two cabins with hot tubs. Three meals provided. Space is limited. First time great price of $250. For more info, call 828-349-6087 or 800 994 6462.

And for tweeting:

Retreat Expert, the Stress Doc@aol.com at rustic www.RivendellCabins.com , Franklin, NC to lead rejuvenating Busy Women’s Retreat, May 3-5, 2013.  Info:  828-349-6087

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P.S.  I would like to hear about any impact the Sequestration is having on you personally or organizationally.  Thanks and good luck.

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The "Stress Doc's" Seven Highly Effective Strategies
for Reorganizing or Downsizing

(Warning:  This article may be hazardous to the ironically impaired!)

In this era of organizational restructuring or downsizing, or better still, what I call "fright-sizing," the challenge for top management is having the savvy and courage to gut much of your workforce while maintaining survivor productivity and team morale - that "esprit de corpse."  How do you achieve this higher standard of reorganization?

To create a "lean-and-MEAN" working machine requires a visionary management team capable of jolting a downtrodden, demotivated workforce while being "hands on" role models. (In these hypersensitive, politically correct times, just be careful where you place those hands.) Here are your cutting edge commandments.  Go for it!

1. Keep Employees Grateful and Humble. Continuously remind employee survivors they should be thankful to have a job. By not filling those vacant positions there's less competition for eventual promotions. For cynical, insufficiently grateful employees, some cheerfully designed signs - THANK YOU FOR NOT WHINING and BEWARE THE EFFECTS OF SECOND-HAND WHINING - may be displayed around the office.

2. Avoid Negative Feelings through Positive Motivation. Hire a hot shot outplacement team to motivate people to ignore their feelings of betrayal, fear and rage and to generate positive thinking about updating the resume and applying for an out of state position. Reassure vulnerable employees that they probably needed a new learning curve, anyway.

3. Separate the Transitionally Displaced. Create a transition center to sharpen career path focus for the dispirited that no longer have a job, but are still on payroll.  While isolated from company personnel, this center is not a leper colony. (Despite evidence to the contrary, the displaced are not contagious.)

4. Beware the Group "Blame Game." Refuse to have management-employee team building/group grieving sessions; open expression of feelings just makes management the target of "another petty gripe session."

If absolutely necessary, allow a small matrix group to meet sporadically to provide only positive ideas and buy-in for your ever evolving company vision (or is it hallucination?; so often it's such a fine line). In any event, retire the group with gilded, framed team building certificates.

5. Don't Be Predictable. Keep information about the restructuring as vague and inconsistent as possible. In fact, the more disinformation the better. Uncertainty heightens group competition and, hopefully, will disorient your best people and/or intimidate them from leaving.

Simultaneously, rapidly fill some slots of the departed, well-respected managers. People don't need to dwell morbidly on the past. This transition-transfusion provides some new blood, figuratively speaking, hopefully.

6. Instill the Spirit of Overload and Accommodation. Middle managers and supervisors must appear to accept cheerfully all new work assignments, even if their employees are at the breaking point. Low morale, heightened staff tension and anger or stress-induced illness are not sufficient counterindicators to "sucking it up." (Cardiac arrest, however, continues to be grounds for excused leave.)

Remember, a manager, who selflessly takes on an ever-expanding workload without renegotiating priorities and time frames is an icon of company loyalty.  Such a self-sacrificing individual should be awarded two extra sick days.

7. Retreat Reorganizationally from Reality.  Avoid a sustained relationship with a consultant trained in reorganizational crisis, conflict, loss and grief work as this intervention always gets so touchy-feely. (You know what happens.  Folks don’t just draw on each other for emotional support and problem-solving ideas.  Invariably, people start wanting to hug one another. Ugh!)

However, do hire a dynamic, "let it all hang out" group leader who guarantees to resolve all your work-relations problems on a weekend retreat. Still, if you dismiss the retreat approach, there is a safe, effective image enhancing option:  send a couple of key personnel on a 3-day "team building" workshop. Then you can answer "affirmative" if anyone asks whether yours is a team-based operation.

In conclusion, if you or your management team has the courage and foresight to enact one or more of these cutting edge strategies, please let me know. As a reorganizational consultant, I aspire to work with such a visionary, progressively "lean-and-MEAN" upper management team. I understand loneliness at the top. And believe me, you'll need all the help you can get!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

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The Reorg Rag (with apologies to no one)

By Mark Gorkin, LICSW, “The Stress Doc” ™

 

It can’t happen here, I have too much to do…

Who took my desk and chair, my computer, too?
They can’t replace me; the Branch Techno-file
What do you mean I’m still in denial?

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,

Why does it feel I’ve been fragged?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Maybe I’m just on a jag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!
 

Rejoice, you’re employed…so they’ve frozen your pay

And put on your backs the recovery.
Two free weeks furlough to re-“leave” your stress
What a friend you have in the 112^th Congress!

Work’s now a casino, a high tech RIF** RAFFle

When will we know?  Why does management waffle?
Buddha Computah… who’s pink slipping away?
Here’s your ticket to ride; shopping’s good in Bombay.
 

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag

Why do I just want to gag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Whatever happened to my swag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!
 

You’ll “Do more with less,” when “There’s no ‘I’ in team”

So “Dress for Success,” then become “lean-and-Mean.”
Keep reading those posters, your glass is half full
Though, beware “going postal” in the face of this bull.

Ignore the slacker; just take up his load

Put in for a transfer; oops, no off ramp for this road.

The boss is a bully; the “Old Boys” turn an eye

You’re getting an ulcer – such a “nice gal or guy.”
 

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag

Why has life become a drag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
Should I raise that white flag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!
 

Now you’ve had enough, playing Raggedy Ann

Start calling their bluff; draw a line in the sand.
You are a survivor; just never forget
To bring out your “Inner Rambo or Rambette!”

So “Do know your limits; don’t limit your ‘No’s”
There’s life beyond widgets; you’ve taken their blows.
Break away from the mob, you’ve surpassed your quota
And have won your job…but now in North Dakota!

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,

Once again in a trick bag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Back into the old gulag
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
I’m still on the Reorg Rag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Forever on the Reorg Rag!
 

**RIF = Reduction In Force

© Mark Gorkin  2010

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.