The Evolutionary Passing of a “Keynote Speaker”: The Rise and Rethinking of Motivational-Interactive Engagement -- Part I

The Stress Doc is jolted out of a stable yet outdated state of mind and method after two recent highly interactive 1.5 hour keynote programs – the first involving 100 technical and administrative government employees, the other with 150 nurses and social workers.  One dynamic and fun small group exercise would build on the other.  Now strands of energy, engagement, education, and empathy spiral and intertwine feverishly as recombinant nurture-nature-culture changing DNA.  What emerges is a wildly colorful (and occasionally “loud”) tapestry of individual and interpersonal threads of human interaction and expression. This dynamic transactional web is setting the evolutionary stage for an invigorated, purposefully playful, as well as a potentially more open and adaptive, richly diverse yet connected community.  Expanding on communication guru, Marshall McLuhan’s pioneering insight, perhaps now the message and the matrix comprise the medium!

“Suddenly” seeing the obvious…this presenter needs a new brand-identity.  The term “Keynote Speaker” is not the right fit for what the Doc and his audiences are creating together.  Part I captures the evolutionary, economic, technological, and cultural forces shaping this paradigm and positioning shift.  Part II will name, elaborate, and illustrate the key components and processes of this vibrant and holistic, purposefully playful and participatory-performance paradigm.

The Evolutionary Passing of a “Keynote Speaker”:  The Rise and Rethinking of Motivational-Interactive Engagement -- Part I

Two recent keynote programs helped clarify a label that increasingly has had me feeling like an impostor.  The label is “Keynote Speaker.”  Why the identity disconnect?  A few years ago I participated in a speaker showcase and I realized being out of my element.  Almost all the speakers had a personal story or passionate idea or program that they wanted to impart to the audience.  And each proceeded to talk about or dramatically act out their message.  I’m a bit hazy here, but there may have been a magician who interacted with a small group of folks to reinforce his points on creative thinking.

However, in my ten-minute segment, after a few opening remarks about stress and conflict, (without belaboring my own personal burnout experience), I quickly involved the entire audience in small group and dyadic role play-like exercises.  The two exercises:

1) the Three “B” Stress Barometer Exercise – individual group members acknowledge, “How do your Brain, Body & Behavior let you know when you’re under more stress than usual?” and

2) the two-person Power Struggle Exercise – members pair off and each person imagines confronting a real-life “pain in the butt” (hopefully, not the person you are eyeballing); in a brief back and forth sequence, each decries, “You can’t make me”/“Oh, yes I can!”; and then, after a few verbal volleys, both aver what they really would like to voice to his or her antagonist (the “pain” on the mind)…without getting out of their chair ;-).

These activities were the head and heart of my energizing, motivating, and engaging platform.  Participants’ definitely had reactions and responses to the interactivity – what the exercises stimulated, as well as the common and divergent experiences.  And invariably, people shared a knowing laugh at their own expense or over a colleague’s flaws and foibles.  This informational and improvisational group gumbo proved to be both medium and message; this meal was definitely seasoned with mirth.  In addition, my exercise debrief invariably evokes some learning and laughing lagniappe (“a little extra,” as we would say in New Orleans).  Now shared participant data or elicited comments become ad-libbing ingredients for added “fast food for thought” or “en-light-ening” – both informative and humorous – interplay.  (And remember this Stress Doc aphorism:  People are less defensive and more open to a serious message when it’s gift-wrapped with humor.)  Everyone – both presenter and participants – contributes to the interactive energy, “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” show.

Wandering in the Keynote Desert

So while the title of “Keynote Speaker” has weighed uneasily on my mind, I have not been ready to seek or design an alternative designation.  Though I suspect my subconscious mind has been smoldering on “a pass in the impasse.”  And, in fact, things have been coming to a head.  In the last couple of years, the state of the economy and the groundswell of technology have generated a mind-field for dramatic and semantic upheaval.  Let me explain.

Until recently, in the past two years or so, I had not presented to an audience with over a hundred people.  As organizations and companies tightened their budgets, there has been a cutback on holding conferences and on money for sending people (including speakers) to conferences.  And invariably, though somewhat paradoxically, during downturn periods, “soft skills” or “employee wellness” training is frequently the first item on the chopping block.  Another and related contributing factor to my prolonged speaking “dry season” is the impact of technology.  To save on travel and meeting expenses, companies and government agencies are increasingly turning to Internet-webinar and video-based training.

Watching vs. Being the Fireworks

Yes, I have done a number of webinars in the last few years, and while I enjoy them, leading a webinar or video conference cannot fully spark my passion.  To fire on all cylinders, I must be able to literally reach out and touch or eyeball an audience member or, while walking around the room, feel the riveted attention, be vigorously challenged on a concept by a participant, sense the anticipatory buzz, see the sparkle in people’s eyes, and take in the musical uproars of people being playfully yet purposefully “out-rage-ous.”  And, of course, it doesn’t hurt to receive enthusiastic feedback.  [See testimonial at the end of the essay.]

Even with their immediate data generating-feedback potential, for me, web-based surveys can’t compare to the live and electric energy and engagement of “hands on” interactivity.  It’s like the difference between watching fireworks on TV and being able to see, hear, and smell the kaleidoscopic “rockets’ red glare…(cherry) bombs bursting in air,” the awe-inspiring sights and sounds up close and personal.  And, even better, the audience and I are the ones creating and igniting the pyrotechnics.  (Actually, one of the most memorable compliments I’ve received as a presenter came from a Ft. Hood First Sergeant.  Speaking with his colleagues about my military retreat/workshop programs, he referred to the Stress Doc as “a firecracker.”)

The Danger and Opportunity of Technology Transition and Shifts in Information Processing

Actually, the one-two punch of economic stagnation and technological innovation had definitely induced a state of “thrustration” – being torn between direct action and frustration, that is, when you haven’t quite recognized the critical question(s), let alone figured out how the puzzle pieces can productively recombine in novel yet realistic fashion.   And ironically, as mentioned earlier, “the pass was in the impasse!”  Wandering in the keynote desert compelled an “incubation vacation” – to let go of or at least begin musing over some of my tried and true training assumptions, materials and methods.  Allowing for some disengagement and uncomfortable uncertainty proved critical for hatching a new workshop and speaking perspective.  As I once penned:  One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin!  Or as the acclaimed 20^th c. French-Algerian Nobel-Prize-winning author, philosopher, and humanitarian, Albert Camus, observed:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved idea, position, framework, etc.]  obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

In addition, the omnipresence of digital technology and the growing numbers of the “TnT – Text and Twitter – Generation” challenged me to really absorb two powerful realities:

1) Participants’ attention spans in general and, especially, for what I call “vertical-unidirectional” information exchange (mostly passive, one-way listening to the expert’s knowledge) is shrinking and

2) The desire to dissolve rigid superior-subordinate boundaries and the need for personal and interpersonal “hands on” shaping of “lateral-collaborative” learning along with a more collegial sharing-critiquing-consulting-innovating experience is rapidly expanding.

Interaction, Interface, and the Power and Possibility of “I”s that “C”

Today, with greater numbers of individuals enclosed in their cubes, along with in- vs. out-group friction, and too many insulated departmental silos, and even some teleworkers feeling isolated (and overloaded), not to mention the seemingly ubiquitous tension from actual or anticipated reorganization, it is more critical than ever:

a) For people and groups to literally interface, to intermix knowledge, ideas, and experiences,

b) For newbies to connect with more senior members, to facilitate that professional rite of passage (one benefit of a recent interactive keynote cited by the Conference Coordinator),
c) For employees to believe that management is “transparent and trustworthy” (another touchy if not volatile “TnT” dynamic),
d) For leadership to demonstrate openness toward and serious consideration of diverse, “from the trenches” input, and
e) For the troops to periodically circle the wagons and experience that sense of psychological strength and support, the recognition and resilience, that especially comes from connecting with folks who not only walk in your shoes, but can truly feel your bunions!

The Need to Balance “I” and “Team”

And finally, I believe our cultural zeitgeist is trying to find a better balance between two driving motives – ambition and affiliation.  For example, this new generation believes “recognition for all” has its place along with reward for individual achievement.  This perspective does not necessarily devalue competition, more it desires to uplift the meaning and merit of multi-faceted/multi-cultural inclusion.  Paradoxically, “Internet Natives” also live more (some might say “cocooned”) in an auto-designed and digitalized life-space.  So while both technical and social (or at least, social media) engagements are vital, I suspect the TnTs (along with other generational reps) are increasingly questioning that traditional team-building mantra:  “There’s no ‘I’ in team.”

Actually, a few years ago, I amended the above all or none slogan:  There may be no ‘I’ in team…but there are two “I”s in winning!  And these “I”s can definitely “C.”  Winning teams synergize a motivational and multi-faceted mix of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”  The creative individual potentially adds challenge and growth-inducing “chaos” (along with, hopefully, new perspectives and hope, new operational procedures and possibilities) to the “stable” or “set in its ways” team, organization, or community; ideally, the collective provides the iconoclast (actually, all members) real world roles – including being “the outlier” – as well as meaningful responsibilities and resources, along with down to earth limits and linkages.  Such solid pillars and links help build a parts-whole bridge that:  a) reinforces mutual informational transactions and the development of partnerships, b) reduces the likelihood of an innovator falling off, or impaling and imploding on the creative edge, and c) enhances the “search for meaning” and the quality of interconnected living and future adaptation for diverse individuals and groups as well as the collective.

Closing Summary and Continuing Saga

The last couple of years, not having the opportunity to do keynote events definitely generated some unspoken frustration.  And though workshops, critical incident consulting, and phone coaching partially filled gap, there still was a gnawing void.  However, as noted, wandering in the keynote desert set the stage for some powerful understanding regarding the speaking medium and the recent return to the keynote forum.  Consider these “Key Notes and Insights”:

1. Identity disconnect – the term “keynote speaker” did not capture the interactive energy and interconnectivity generated recently by the mix of real life, thought-provoking, and Fun small group exercises; and this animation was further enhanced by subsequent discussion both between myself and individuals/the audience as well as among the attendees, i.e., improvisational ingredients for additional “fast food for thought”

2. Soloist and orchestra leader – while doing some solo presentation-performance – the brief dissemination of basic concepts-tools-stories, even a touch of poetry – and also closing with an ever popular psychologically humorous rap, the pioneering “Shrink Rap” ™ Productions – facilitating the small group exercises is the crux of the program; I feel more like an orchestra leader, helping participants and team members bring out their best – solo and team – music or “key notes” of energy, engagement, education, and empathy

3. Keynote desert wandering – keynotes/conferences dried up due to the slowed economy and the expanding technology, that is, webinars, video conferences, etc. replaced larger speaking gigs; alas, for me, when it came to doing presentations, the virtual world couldn’t hold a candle (or a “firecracker”) to the real one

4. Thrustration and incubation vacation – while frustrated by the inactivity, I had time to reflect on my tried and true material and method; if I was to upgrade my impact in a “TNT – Time-Numbers-Technology – Driven and Distracted World,” I would need to streamline if not relinquish some key components of a format that had been pretty consistently successful; the angst around “letting go” combined with an enforced “incubation vacation” helped induce a new perspective and paradigm; hopefully, a new “whole corner of the possible” would emerge

5. Impact of technology and “Internet Native” cultural values – another sobering realization was that technology was influencing the way people of all ages, but especially the TNT – Text n’ Twitter – Generation, processed and played with information; people did not want to be passive learners, but interactive “hands on” partners; inclusion and involvement were key cultural-collaborative buzz words; these days, attention must be paid to the state of attention!

6. TNT real world consequences – as “Time-Numbers-Technology”-driven and distracted organizations increasingly deal with “do more with less” and “lean and mean” whiplash effects, administering and orchestrating some healing and harmonizing is not a luxury; it’s essential for sustaining individual well-being and for team and organizational productivity, coordination, and morale

7. Fast-paced ebb and flow between engaging exercises-discussion and educational ideas – so taking time for interactive and fun “R & R” – (individual) Resilience & (team/community) Rejuvenation – is just what the Stress Doc ordered!; generating a safe yet stimulating atmosphere with time and space for hopes, frustrations, and fears, for sharing tears of laughter and sadness, as well as feeding off one another’s ideas while building intimacy and interconnection, is the sunlight, water, and rich soil for nurturing and growing our keynote “seeds” of energy, engagement, education, and empathy

8. The “winning team” formula:  Two “I”s that “C” – today’s leaders, workers, and workplaces are  increasingly facing the “sturm und drang” of technology, increasing cultural diversity, and shifting generational attitudes, predilections, and values; there’s a dramatic need for individual reinvention and systemic innovation; at all levels leaders and educators, individuals and groups are being challenged to discover and/or design “hands on” and synergistic high task-tech and high touch-tolerance systems, whether small (teams) or large (organizations); the “No ‘I” in team” slogan is being overshadowed by the two winning “I”s, “I”s that clearly “C” – Individual Creativity and Interactive Community (IC²)!

And the closing segment will elaborate and illustrate the specific IC² conceptual components and interactive processes of this vibrant and holistic purposefully playful-participatory-performance paradigm.  So stay tuned for Part II:  “Reinventing and Reimagining the Stress Doc ™.”  Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

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Subject:   THEY LOVE YOU IN DAHS
Date:     3/25/2013

Hi Mark,

Hope you had a great weekend.

I spoke with Gail this morning and she is absolutely DEE-lighted with the Stress Doc! 

[Gail Ledford, Department Director, was going to share her observations with Dept. of Public Work's Director James Patteson.]

WE have had nothing but rave reviews from the staff

“Engaging and Educational”

“Just a note to say how much I enjoyed yesterday’s event at the Government Center.  I think it changed the attitudes of many because not only were we ‘away’ from the office but also having Mark Gorkin as a guest speaker helped everyone connect better….and laugh. Thank you!”

“We are already using some of the tools and suggestions from the training. Our vote is more like this, whether it’s him or similar activities.”

I will be in touch. All the best,

Robyn L. McCoy
Resource Development and Training Manager
Department of Administration for Human Services

703-324-3597
Robyn.McCoy@fairfaxcounty.gov
“Leadership and Learning are indispensable to each other.” ~ John F. Kennedy

[Fairfax County Government/Dept of Administration for Human Services; Keynote for 100 on "Energizing and Expanding Team Mindset, Motivation & Morale"]

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Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, "The Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company. Mark leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"

Wicked "Riffed-Off" Satire and "Reorg Rag" Wit and Wisdom: Dealing with Sequestration Blues

With Sequestration in the ether (whether it is a disorienting, dysfunctional, destructive, or a truly devastating virus remains to be seen), I examined previous writings on significant organizational crises and their aftermaths, e.g., the US Postal Service’s major RIF in the ‘90s and the Enron debacle.  Whether the culture is corporate, government, or congressional one discovers a climate of questionable leadership and “clinging to a sinking ship,” if not criminal ship of state.  Diagnostic similarities abound and the rehabilitation strategies “still apply as time goes by.”

Today, however, raiding the Stress Doc Classics vault, I will share a creative “RIF-fed Off” satire and a witty lyric, “The Reorg Rag.” I believe you might enjoy some emotional relief if not a few laughs.

And finally, if the uncertainty and stress is getting you down, consider this haven of relief:

National Stress-Conflict Resolution-Team Building Expert, Psychohumorist ™, Author, and Retreat Facilitator, The Stress Doc™ (www.stressdoc.com) and rustic yet comfy Rivendell Cabins, Franklin, NC, (http://www.RivendellCabins.com ) teaming up for a Busy Women's Retreat, the weekend of May 3-5, 2013. Recharge in the beautiful Smoky Mtns. Develop Stress Resiliency, Set Healthy Relationship Boundaries, Prevent/Recover from Burnout, Design Work-Life Transitioning, Reconnect to Creative Passion. Share great ideas, emotional support, Yoga classes, Relaxation-Visualization exercises. Three rustic and comfortable cabins; also two cabins with hot tubs. Three meals provided. Space is limited. First time great price of $250. For more info, call 828-349-6087 or 800 994 6462.

And for tweeting:

Retreat Expert, the Stress Doc@aol.com at rustic www.RivendellCabins.com , Franklin, NC to lead rejuvenating Busy Women’s Retreat, May 3-5, 2013.  Info:  828-349-6087

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P.S.  I would like to hear about any impact the Sequestration is having on you personally or organizationally.  Thanks and good luck.

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The "Stress Doc's" Seven Highly Effective Strategies
for Reorganizing or Downsizing

(Warning:  This article may be hazardous to the ironically impaired!)

In this era of organizational restructuring or downsizing, or better still, what I call "fright-sizing," the challenge for top management is having the savvy and courage to gut much of your workforce while maintaining survivor productivity and team morale - that "esprit de corpse."  How do you achieve this higher standard of reorganization?

To create a "lean-and-MEAN" working machine requires a visionary management team capable of jolting a downtrodden, demotivated workforce while being "hands on" role models. (In these hypersensitive, politically correct times, just be careful where you place those hands.) Here are your cutting edge commandments.  Go for it!

1. Keep Employees Grateful and Humble. Continuously remind employee survivors they should be thankful to have a job. By not filling those vacant positions there's less competition for eventual promotions. For cynical, insufficiently grateful employees, some cheerfully designed signs - THANK YOU FOR NOT WHINING and BEWARE THE EFFECTS OF SECOND-HAND WHINING - may be displayed around the office.

2. Avoid Negative Feelings through Positive Motivation. Hire a hot shot outplacement team to motivate people to ignore their feelings of betrayal, fear and rage and to generate positive thinking about updating the resume and applying for an out of state position. Reassure vulnerable employees that they probably needed a new learning curve, anyway.

3. Separate the Transitionally Displaced. Create a transition center to sharpen career path focus for the dispirited that no longer have a job, but are still on payroll.  While isolated from company personnel, this center is not a leper colony. (Despite evidence to the contrary, the displaced are not contagious.)

4. Beware the Group "Blame Game." Refuse to have management-employee team building/group grieving sessions; open expression of feelings just makes management the target of "another petty gripe session."

If absolutely necessary, allow a small matrix group to meet sporadically to provide only positive ideas and buy-in for your ever evolving company vision (or is it hallucination?; so often it's such a fine line). In any event, retire the group with gilded, framed team building certificates.

5. Don't Be Predictable. Keep information about the restructuring as vague and inconsistent as possible. In fact, the more disinformation the better. Uncertainty heightens group competition and, hopefully, will disorient your best people and/or intimidate them from leaving.

Simultaneously, rapidly fill some slots of the departed, well-respected managers. People don't need to dwell morbidly on the past. This transition-transfusion provides some new blood, figuratively speaking, hopefully.

6. Instill the Spirit of Overload and Accommodation. Middle managers and supervisors must appear to accept cheerfully all new work assignments, even if their employees are at the breaking point. Low morale, heightened staff tension and anger or stress-induced illness are not sufficient counterindicators to "sucking it up." (Cardiac arrest, however, continues to be grounds for excused leave.)

Remember, a manager, who selflessly takes on an ever-expanding workload without renegotiating priorities and time frames is an icon of company loyalty.  Such a self-sacrificing individual should be awarded two extra sick days.

7. Retreat Reorganizationally from Reality.  Avoid a sustained relationship with a consultant trained in reorganizational crisis, conflict, loss and grief work as this intervention always gets so touchy-feely. (You know what happens.  Folks don’t just draw on each other for emotional support and problem-solving ideas.  Invariably, people start wanting to hug one another. Ugh!)

However, do hire a dynamic, "let it all hang out" group leader who guarantees to resolve all your work-relations problems on a weekend retreat. Still, if you dismiss the retreat approach, there is a safe, effective image enhancing option:  send a couple of key personnel on a 3-day "team building" workshop. Then you can answer "affirmative" if anyone asks whether yours is a team-based operation.

In conclusion, if you or your management team has the courage and foresight to enact one or more of these cutting edge strategies, please let me know. As a reorganizational consultant, I aspire to work with such a visionary, progressively "lean-and-MEAN" upper management team. I understand loneliness at the top. And believe me, you'll need all the help you can get!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

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The Reorg Rag (with apologies to no one)

By Mark Gorkin, LICSW, “The Stress Doc” ™

 

It can’t happen here, I have too much to do…

Who took my desk and chair, my computer, too?
They can’t replace me; the Branch Techno-file
What do you mean I’m still in denial?

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,

Why does it feel I’ve been fragged?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Maybe I’m just on a jag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!
 

Rejoice, you’re employed…so they’ve frozen your pay

And put on your backs the recovery.
Two free weeks furlough to re-“leave” your stress
What a friend you have in the 112^th Congress!

Work’s now a casino, a high tech RIF** RAFFle

When will we know?  Why does management waffle?
Buddha Computah… who’s pink slipping away?
Here’s your ticket to ride; shopping’s good in Bombay.
 

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag

Why do I just want to gag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Whatever happened to my swag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!
 

You’ll “Do more with less,” when “There’s no ‘I’ in team”

So “Dress for Success,” then become “lean-and-Mean.”
Keep reading those posters, your glass is half full
Though, beware “going postal” in the face of this bull.

Ignore the slacker; just take up his load

Put in for a transfer; oops, no off ramp for this road.

The boss is a bully; the “Old Boys” turn an eye

You’re getting an ulcer – such a “nice gal or guy.”
 

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag

Why has life become a drag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
Should I raise that white flag?
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag
I’m still on the Reorg Rag!
 

Now you’ve had enough, playing Raggedy Ann

Start calling their bluff; draw a line in the sand.
You are a survivor; just never forget
To bring out your “Inner Rambo or Rambette!”

So “Do know your limits; don’t limit your ‘No’s”
There’s life beyond widgets; you’ve taken their blows.
Break away from the mob, you’ve surpassed your quota
And have won your job…but now in North Dakota!

Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,

Once again in a trick bag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Back into the old gulag
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
I’m still on the Reorg Rag.
Reorg Rag, Reorg Rag,
Forever on the Reorg Rag!
 

**RIF = Reduction In Force

© Mark Gorkin  2010

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc is also leading “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

The Art of Letting Go: Freeing Up Grief, Defusing Power Struggles and Inspiring Flow

The phrase “letting go” has long been a vital part of my stress management overview, especially related to breaking the “erosive spiral” of that all-consuming “b”-word. (When it comes to stress, actually, a number of emotionally charged “b” words jump to mind, for example, “botox,” or when you have a BMW colleague, which I recently learned stands for an individual constantly “Bitching, Moaning and Whining.”) Now, of course, I’m talking about burnout. As noted in “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go” – because you’ve invested so much time and money, energy and ego in that one right person, position or possible outcome – so that you cannot or will not step back and consider new perspectives, resources or options…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair.

I’ve come to appreciate three key arenas – psychological-interpersonal-motivational –in which “letting go” is critical for rebirth, resolution and resilient risk-taking, i.e., for generating new direction, a more daring focus and a revitalized determination, both for yourself and for others. And appropriately enough, the first two arenas of “letting go” stimulate your “Inner GPS,” providing a map and tools for "Engaging with ‘Grief’ and ‘Power Struggles'."

1. Letting Go as the Key to Freeing Up Grief. Consider my Mobius Strip mantra: “One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin.” In paradoxical, yin-yang fashion, every beginning or separation contains its own seed of endings or returns; every ending or return has a beginning and separation seed lying dormant. Any transition, whether stirring rage or resignation, rejoicing or relief is a dynamic, ongoing mix and flux of endings-wanderings-settlings-separations and potentially-eventually new beginnings and returns. And in turn, every new beginning eventually comes to an end, once again providing both a fresh or unexplored landscape and mindscape of “danger and opportunity.” Having the courage and support to face the acute emotions of this ever twisting and turning transition –such as fear and anger, helplessness and hopelessness, panic and paralysis, and/or mania and melancholy – makes it more difficult to deny the swirling, shifting currents, makes it harder to merely tread water. Letting go and grappling with grief enables you to embrace and retrace, if not gradually replace, the past with new or reenergized purpose and passion. As I once wrote:

Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

And what helps ignite the mystical or, at least, the mythical?

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.

And if you can risk confronting that roaring river of pain – an often confusing rush and reliving of past and present emotions and memories – and over time can survive the occasional eerie stillness, the oftentimes tumultuous white water passage of grief, then you may arrive at a place more light than dark, a new transitional harbor offering some hard-earned healing and wisdom along with newfound maturity and opportunity.

According to Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Helping people engage with the emotional vulnerabilities, uncertainties and pain inherent in loss and major transition, that is, grappling with the psychological ramifications not merely with the changing physical realities – managing a new operating system, relocating an office, merging departments or divisions, etc. – is the foundational first step in the journey of evolution.

As renowned, 20th c. medical pioneer, Jonas Salk, declared: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than you are fearful; being trusting just one more time than you are anxious.

2. Letting Go as the Key to Defusing Power Struggles. In the heat of interpersonal battle, why is it so hard to let go? In addition to the fact that we’ve been engaged in such struggles most of our life (certainly toilet training was an early testing ground), power struggles definitely can set off some emotional “hot buttons.” Here are key psycho-social-cultural dynamics that impede stepping back and attempting to reengage more effectively – "The Five ‘C’s of Power Struggles”:

a. Control – who has control, who is in charge?; this relates to the authority-status-power dimension, whether in the workplace, e.g., supervisor-subordinate relation, or the parent-child family dynamic; however, sometimes control needs are driven less by role considerations and more by aggressive messages and actions; consider my take on the covert motivation of the dysfunctional “strong silent type”: “For me to be strong you must be silent!”
b. Competition – another family dynamic – sibling rivalry – or competition; who is the favorite who is better?; it’s easy for these issues to get acted out in the workplace as well
c. Change – times of change raise levels of uncertainty and anxiety; not surprisingly, at these times, many people have a greater need to be in control of their environment, including other people
d. Cultural Diversity – surely, different perspectives, values, customs, expectations, etc., forged by cultural upbringing and experience can contribute to misunderstanding and standoffs
e. Communication Skills – do the parties have the communicational competence to negotiate conflict and find “the pass in the impasse”?

Understanding the emotionally charged nature of these dimensions may allow for a cooling off period, at least for the person who can “let go.”

When the Other Party Won’t “Let Go”

My metaphor for letting go in an interpersonal context is “dropping the rope,” that is, acknowledging to the other party that the tug of war or words is not working for you. Dropping the rope is not a sign of resignation or intimidation. When declared up front, “letting go” opens another problem-solving pathway. Of course, real life is not always so rational; actually, it’s often more psycho-logical! As a recent workshop participant painfully declared, “What if the other person – a colleague at work – won’t let go of the argument; tries to call you out for wanting to cease and desist even after a reasonable attempt at problem-solving?” It was clear the workshop attendee’s blood pressure was rising even as she spoke. My response was brief and to the point. “Let the individual know that you are taking a time out from this back and forth (to this point unproductive, from your perspective). You are neither afraid of him nor are you giving up; in fact, you will get back to him the next day. However, if the two of you cannot resolve your differences, you are not going to continue this head banging. You will call in a third party; you are not going behind anyone’s back. But you will insist there be some form of mediation.” Her energetic “thank you” told me “message sent was message received.”

So letting go doesn’t mean losing or giving up; it involves stepping back, presenting new perspectives and approaches, while reaffirming interpersonal boundaries as well as your personal integrity. And in a letting go process, at a particular juncture, you may have to accept that meaningful resolution may be out of your individual control. And you can live with this!

From GPS (Grief and Power Struggles) to Intimate FOE and Inspiring Flow

We’ve examined letting go both from a poignantly psychological perspective and from a power struggling and defusing one. Now let’s consider letting go from the vantage point of self-acceptance and meaningfully touching and moving others. My “four word” small group exercise hopefully will prove illustrative. It’s pretty basic: “Share an embarrassing moment.” And the room invariably goes through a metamorphosis – from somewhat anxious silence to uproarious verbal outpourings and animated nonverbal gesturing and posturing. One story cascades over another: “That was good; now let me tell you about my experience!”

3. Letting Go as the Key to Inspiring Flow. I especially like using this exercise with folks in leadership positions. Why is that? The exercise helps remove the “having it all together” or “always being in control” mask. One may have to risk revealing a vulnerable aspect of self. Yet, lo and behold, not only don’t people think less of you…hearing your story evokes knowing laughter, a genuine empathy (“not only have I walked in similar shoes, I can feel your bunions”), and even some admiration for your courage to share. I call this “Confronting Your Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.” And as previously noted, the storyteller becomes a risk-taking role model; one vignette inspires another, invariably becoming more animate and passionate with each telling.

Making Room for Cultural Diversity, Mutual Humanity and Authenticity

Such unguarded sharing also reminds us that some experiences, like embarrassment, are universal and helps underscore our mutual humanity no matter how diverse our cultural backgrounds. Perhaps most important, for a precious moment in time, it breaks down artificial rank and status barriers between people, allowing for more personal and intimate connection. (For example, when the military wants a free flowing team exchange, despite the presence of “superior” rank in the room, they may hold a “Helmet’s Off” meeting. In fact, I have done facilitation work with army and air force units; my interactive exercises help them to better “walk their team and trust building talk.”) Remember, in a healthy social environment, not one simply manipulated by Big Brother media, machinations or mayhem, most people place their hopes and trust in authentic individuals whom they come to know through real give and take relationships. People identify with an imperfect yet accessible and courageous leader more than an unfeeling iconic statue.

A Closing Leadership Mantra and Message, Method and Model

Here’s a final leadership mantra: Learn to “Let Go”: Turn Your Intimate FOE into Inspiring Flow! People want to connect with real and risk-taking leaders. They too want to laugh at their flaws and foibles, to painfully learn from yet also playfully laugh in the face of failure…to finally let go of that incessant critical voice. Many want to taste and touch this potent, idiosyncratic and liberating energy and spirit. For when you bring both head and heart, when you simultaneously project a purposeful and provocative, passionate and playful message and presence, you become a magnet; people are drawn to your energy and essence. (Consider my expansion of a saying passed on by a battle-tested salesman: “Logic Tells and Passion Sells. And ‘Passion Power’ Compels.”) Yet, ironically, if your motivation is unselfish, you will help others become less afraid of speaking up, if not of breaking out and breaking away. Remember, from its biblical origins, spirit is “the breath and flow of life,” hence spirit’s connection with “respiration” and “inspiration.” So if you are determined to:

a) rebuild your purposeful and passionate, newfound possibilities fire,
b) not be distracted or constrained by draining and unproductive power struggles, and
c) embrace and share your imperfect humanity while breathing life and energy into others…try the Stress Doc’s CPR method – be a model for “Creative-Passionate-Risk-Taking” (CPR) Leadership…Grieve, Let Go and Become the Flow.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 – Critical Components of "Excellence"

In between working on the Gentoring ™ concept, I'm finishing my essay on ASPIRE-2. Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed Part I which focused on the first six (ASP) "creativity" characteristics --
Aggression & Accessibility
Symbol & Synthesis
Poignant & Playful
Imagery & Irony
Risk-Taking and Rhythm 'n Rhyme
Expressive & Excellence

On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 -– Critical Components of "Excellence"

Excellence. Most of us have a common sense notion of “excellence: the quality or state of being outstanding and superior, to have a particular talent in something.” And its foundation, the word “excel,” means “to do better than all others, than a given standard, or than previous personal achievement.” This segment focuses on select factors that I believe comprise “ongoing learning” excellence, especially continually improving upon a “previous personal achievement. Some factors are self-evident, others might be surprising. Four Critical Components of Excellence:

1. Discovering and Designing Your Talent. According to Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their groundbreaking book, First Break All the Rules: What the World Greatest Managers Do Differently (1999), “talent” is seen as a recurring pattern of thought, feeling or behavior that can be productively applied. It’s not simply God-given. In other words, it’s the love of a certain subject, something your mind-body and head-heart just has to do, or seems to do effortlessly (after hours and hours of practice; see below); it’s the air you breathe. For me, it’s designing ideas and playing with words, especially in a psychological, emotional-communicational and/or creativity context – on the stage or page. Consciously and unconsciously I’m continually soaking this product with “The Four ‘P’s of Passion Power” – being Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful (email stressdoc@aol.com for the “Passion Power” Model) to empathically and excitedly engage, enlighten and empower others. Of course, the engagement process is not unidirectional. You must be willing to take in and explore feedback that both affirms and especially questions your broad talent along with its integral components.

The Power and Proving Ground of Talent vs. Skill

As Buckingham and Coffman observe, the power of talent lies in being “transferable from one situation to another; given the right stimulus, it fires spontaneously”; a skill's efficacy is often more situation or context specific. For example, by knowing his product a salesperson demonstrates a skill; but he may still lack the "emotional intelligence" and "relating" talent for being great at selling a variety of products in a variety of settings to a variety of customers.

As for context, a talent for conveying or facilitating the sharing of ideas and emotions can occur during one-one coaching, in a family therapy session, at a board meeting, in a classroom as well as while leading a webinar. Personally, a commitment to expressing conceptual-communicational talent means developing fluency in keynoting and also keyboarding. The truly talented individual often feels compelled to explore and exercise his or her cognitive-affective muscles in a wide variety of arenas. There may be a need for proof, not just testing one’s own capabilities but also proving others wrong. (I suspect not just the allure of the limelight but also self-challenge in Howard Gardener’s “kinesthetic and musical intelligence” realms are why former football greats like Jerry Rice and Emmett Smith go on “Dancing with the Stars.”)

The Ongoing Path of Mastery

Of course, there’s no shortcut to maximizing your talent. According to Geoff Colvin’s (Talent Is Overrated, 2008), it usually takes 10,000 hours of intense practice to begin to see masterful results. So not surprisingly, after decades of nature and nurture (in a variety of clinical-interpersonal-organizational-conference settings), my “striving, thinking and relating talents” as a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ seem to come naturally; it’s now the way my brain’s wired, it’s in my blood (hopefully not Type A+ “tiger blood”; thank you Charlie for providing a conceptual handle for some of my own hypomanic-lite tendencies). And continuous practice and cogitation, affirming and humbling feedback and learning, much to my surprise, still improve process and product. So this is the essence of my talent; what is yours…and are you willing to do your headwork, heart work and homework?

Stay tuned for other components of "excellence." Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.