Here’s an introduction that sheds
light on background musings on the final version of “The Bipolar Dance.”
Specifically, the degree to which I myself exhibit bipolar/more cyclothymic
patterns – pro and con. And speaking of revision, we had to reschedule last
week’s Reality Radio show on addiction to Tuesday 3/29 at 8:30pm. See below for
details. Hope you can tune in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Polar Dance: Bi- or
Otherwise (Some Stress Doc™ History and Lessons Learned at the
Creative/Destructive Edge)
Staring at a Twelve Step
Narcotics Anonymous poster during a Emotions Anonymous meeting, the obvious hit
my cortex: you don’t have to ingest substances (whether alcohol or all manner
of drugs) or crave Internet porn to be out of control. I can be powerless over
my own brain chemistry! On one level I’ve known this for years, taking
prescribed medication for clinical/major depression. (For much of my life, I
have experienced “cyclothymia” – alternating periods of euphoric or agitated,
high octane hypomania and low to premium grade depression. Work that allows me
to express and share my idiosyncratic, emotionally-sensitive/charged nature
helps manage the peaks and troughs. There’s also a low threshold for sharp
spikes in either direction.)
However, I’ve been increasingly
aware of a tendency in certain situations – typically infused with sexual,
aggressive, or wounded ego energy – to react, not respond. Feeling triggered,
my sense of restraint and boundaries can take a back seat to perceived injury,
frustration, and impulsivity. Alas, this emotionally volatile trio rapidly
start fueling and driving…now spiraling “over the edge” intentions and actions.
It’s possible the aggressive fever is a subconscious response to ward off
looming melancholia. And there’s historical perspective. I’ve worked hard to:
a) accept a family tree weighed down with psychiatric labels all along its
various branches and b) overcome a childhood legacy of bullying victim, family
secrecy, along with emotional disconnection and intimidation. A powerful
consequence was the swallowing of, no, more often the denial of healthy anger.
Perhaps I have pushed the pit (in the stomach) and (psychic) pendulum too
far.
The Double-Edged Dream &
Dance
But not only perceived insult,
injury, and/or invasion set off the urgent, expansive, and/or aggressive cycle.
Sometimes my amplification is ignited by an encouraging event or startling
insight releasing a burst of energy and imaginative possibility, defiance and
hope. Whether logical or psycho-logical, time, events, obsessive noodling, and
biochemical release will determine the cyclical course. For the focused
duration my hypomanic eruption somehow allows escape from the gravitational pull
of black hole doubt and despair.
Not surprisingly, this capacity
to rev up quickly and intensely has adaptive value. As a motivational speaker,
I can go from sitting quietly to rapidly energizing and commanding hundreds. I
recall a former IBM Manager saying she never saw a presenter take an audience
from laughter to poignant sadness or reflection…and then back to laughter as
quickly as the Stress Doc! My “passion power” weapon: playfully or
provocatively turning the pain of threat and loss or a sense of injustice (my
own and others’) into passion and purpose. Using “higher power humor” to gently
poke fun at my own flaws and foibles often wins over hearts and minds.
And as a writer, the capacity to
blend mania and melancholia, to patiently and persistently hyper-focus, to sit
and ponder ideas, whisperings, and doubts – my performance angst – has its
rewards. Having learned to tune out and turn inward, observation ensues with
the mind’s eye. Compelled to explore both the light and dark recesses of the
heart, I plunge below the surface, retrieving emotional memories and luminous
examples. Swimming carefully through the verbal-visual reefs, I search for
mental pictures, rhythms, and rhymes – the missing pieces of my vision (or is it
hallucination? It’s such a fine line). This inner-directed, hypnagogic state
eventually enables the simmering and smoldering to reach organic wholeness.
Ingredients excitedly relate and blend making an extra-ordinary concept-seafood
gumbo: part concentrated-sequential attention and spontaneous-unconscious
reverie, part critical thinking along with clever word play; spice as needed
with colorful or poignant metaphoric imagery. And despite this confident
analysis, very rarely is the recipe exactly repeatable; it’s unusual for the
final product to have a totally predictable taste or texture.
The Challenge and Opportunity of
Conscious Delay
But maybe there is something the
reactive social being can learn from the self-absorbed word artist, especially
the writer’s “Cave” persona, in contrast to the extroverted “Stage” persona.
Suddenly a rhyme hits: Learn to digest and delay…find half-steps and shades of
gray! Perhaps I can move with more presence, respond at a more reserved pace;
not reflexively feel compromised, constricted, or “unmanly” by being tentative,
dependent, or subdued. The challenge: to gradually embrace uncertainty, and
not be so quick to demand an answer or wrap up a problem. Give up control; grow
with the slower flow??? For a time, forsake leading for being observant; be
more attentive to others’ needs as well as the overall situational context. By
way of example, despite my railing that the “e” in email stands for
escape…perhaps better to send a text or email to inquire if a woman is
interested in social exchange rather than call, thereby putting her on the
spot…and my ego in the spotlight! Will I be more boundary conscious? Must I
quickly determine my fate once and for all? Can this ex-New Yawka become both
more and less Type “A”: Angst-tolerant as opposed to Anger driven? Stress Doc
heal thyself…walk your talk: Practice Safe Stress!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Notes on the
Poem: “The Bipolar Dance” identifies some of the larger themes
associated with cyclothymic or manic-depressive patterns: lust, fantasy, and
aggression, along with addictive or hyperactive cycling or numbing. In
addition, there’s often creative or spiritual grandiosity and the allure or
final option of death – symbolic, glorious, freeing, escapist, or otherwise.
Alas, in a biochemically agitated state, tripping over the fine line between
vision and hallucination or creation and destruction is not uncommon. The poem
also illustrates my dance steps – from initial seduction to fiery combustion,
from heavenly illusion to disconnection if not disillusion…on the border of the
mystical and the delusional. But perhaps I’m ready to contemplate stepping back
from the biochemical edge!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Bipolar
Dance
Why do I so quickly
turn?
A simple gaze…oh, aching
yearn.
Drink for the eyes, a closet
dream
To fantasize…on Munch’s “The
Scream?”
To look and listen ere leap and LEARN
To purr cat-like as hormones
burn.
For a heart that
sings
The mind will
dance
On
soulful wings
Of
chemical trance.
To have a mind Touched with Fire
**
As brain cells .comBust with
desire
For red-hot passion, that “reborn”
crave…
Now molten steely-eyed tiger
brave.
Flames of the Phoenix…arise, aspire:
A Mozart choir funeral
pyre?
For a heart that
sings
The mind will
dance
What karma brings
Just leave to chance.
I am the dope in
dopamine
Manic or magic: False
Hope machine
Edging towards Dr. Freud’s obsession –
Tropic of sex, primal
aggression
On verdant past that might have
been…
For feline virgin on the
screen
A mystic vision lies
unseen.
For a heart that
sings
The mind will
dance
My
own mood swings
For once, at last…I look
askance!
**
Touched with Fire – Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic
Temperament, title of a book by Dr. Kaye Redfield Jamison, renowned expert
in the field; Jamison links uncommon levels of poetic, literary, and artistic
production to acclaimed individuals who grappled with both manic and melancholic
brain-behavior patterns, thereby infusing their work with a complex-creative
intensity
©
Mark Gorkin
2016
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
or
Stress
Doc & Communications Strategist Reality Radio Blog:
Human
Connection in a High Tech World
Tuesday
Nights 8:30-9:00 pm EST
Guest
Call-in: 646-564-9624
~~~~~~~~~~~
Change
of Date:
Surviving
the Heroin (& Other) Addictions:
Reality
Radio Podcast # 10, Tues, Mar 29
First
order of business: We have a new name
for our show: Human Connection in a High Tech World. Inspired by my soon to be published
book:
Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World, we believe this
topic connects with all genders, groups, and generations. Of course, our unique
psychological-motivational-communication-organizational perspective, infused
with our spirited and thought-provoking, interactive and FUN dialogue and debate remain the
staple.
The
Stress Doc ™ and the Communications Strategist examine a variety of “substance”
addictions, e.g., in school settings, grappling with such issues as:
“Individual
vs. Institutional Responsibility”
Healing
power of family and community
Bridging
technology and f-2-f
How
to talk about signs of addiction
Power
and possibility of “Peer Self-Help Group
Alternatives
to working with the mandated client, and
Challenge
of a communicating “individual responsibility” ethos without being
judgmental
Hope
you’ll tune in.
Mark
and Emily
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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