The Stress Doc Alternative to Just “Move On”: The Inner Journey of Letting Go

The Doc explores the sting in the words “Move On” – its toxic quality, it’s painful effect and, most important, the liberating emotional antidote!

The Stress Doc Alternative to Just “Move On”:  The Inner Journey of Letting Go

Why do I grimace (for sure on the inside, if not facially) upon hearing the words, “It’s time to move on,” “I’ve moved on,” and/or “You need to move on”?  It’s not just or even mostly a feeling of rejection.  This person can even be “so over me.”  The pain comes from not being truly seen or heard.  In fact, the individual is projecting herself onto me, verbalizing her own less comfortable place regarding honest self-disclosure.  Why am I “dragging things out?” is less a question of concern and more an aggressive move to cover angst.  It’s a tactic that says, “I do not want to be vulnerable; I do not want to experience the emotions that would emerge in an honest and intimate give-and-take.”  Or, You analyze too much:  One turns self-doubt into an accusation or negative label foisted on another.  Whether actions or reactions, mostly a defensive ploy, overtly or unconsciously intended to distract and diminish, enabling the other to gain time or throw up a wall, to seize the “high ground” or gain the upper hand.  It’s called, “When the best defense is being offensive!” … And again, the motivation:  first and foremost – self-protection.

Maybe there’s also fear that her hostile side might be exposed.  When one does not want “to dwell on” themselves (like someone they know; again, another pejorative, self-protective term), in contrast “to dwell in,” there’s no inclination to explore a fearful-fragile inner world beyond a safely comfortable, defensive ego-point.  (Or they may want to shut the psychic door and make the room “off-limits” for one and all, including themselves.)   There’s no willingness to empathize or engage with a different, a more candid and complex perspective.  I am asking her to stretch with me a little; to work to get past her fear and shame filters; for each of us to open our eyes and heart, just for a brief while.  For we both know there’s no turning back the cold and calloused hands of time.

As a slow (and a deep) reader of emotions, I need to experience the kaleidoscopic pattern of feelings.  Susceptible to the shift of high and low moods, to the interplay of mindsets light and dark germinating in the shadows, I dive into the psychic-grief wellspring again and again.  And finally, revelation, emerging with another layer of understanding; the wound further cleansed.  Perhaps having a depressive-sensitive-aggressive-creative temperament extends the process and expands the potential of mourning.  This leads to a realization that when it comes to two-word “Get Over It” mantras, I prefer dropping an “O” and adding an “I”.

The Psycho-Philosophical Shift

Why not “Move In” before any seemingly confident pronouncements about the need or readiness to “Move On?”  First of all, when it comes to intimate relationship separations and endings, it’s probably a lot wiser to move out than move in.  Having your own separate space, for me, at least, a room of one’s own, is vital for “R & R – Reflection & Writing.   Of late, I also seek a sacred space – a support group – which allows me both: a) to talk out loud, to hear myself think, to overcome inhibition, to experience feelings, and b) to see my conscious and unconscious reflection in the mirror of another’s share.  The individuals and group – in all our collective wisdom and folly – for me, becomes the higher power.

“Move In” is less a physical or external location than a process of turning inward, grappling with emotional memories, past and present pain, while facing an uncertain if not seemingly empty horizon.  It’s about finding trustworthy others who can see you – strengths and vulnerabilities – more deeply than you can see yourself.  “Move In” means “Confronting the Intimate FOE.”  (See more below.)  Such inner confrontation involves, for example, embracing a fear of abandonment, as well as discovering kindred spirits also seemingly lost on separate islands.  And, alas, finally acknowledging your powerlessness to have the other “Move In” to her space let alone yours.  When both parties of a separation want to travel together for a short while, to use their grief journey to grow emotionally, “Move In” has another possibility:  mutually working in the direction of honest sharing (without the blaming), reaching closure with less dirt in the wound.  But often times, this psychological nexus is not to be.

Still, take heart from the words of the French-Algerian Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus:  Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

Now you have not simply “Moved On.”  You have “Moved In” to the land of the promises, if not the “Promised Land”:  you can gradually reclaim your life and reshape your mind, heart, and soul.  All I can add: “Amen and women, to that!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Can’t I Let You Go?

Why can’t I let you go?

Why is it so hard?

Because you were not a ghost

But the flesh and blood I wanted

To love…Not just because you would

Not just because I could

Not just the many times I should

Have said, “I do” …and moved away

Alas, (or more), to live to write another day!

Stormy:  Weather or Not

Ah, chemistry, an electro-hormone storm

Eyes awash in blinding light

Jolting (and jilting) the heart

Into a night of heat, a primal beat

Of longing and wishing (okay, maybe settling)

Upon a remote star

In shadowy darkness to lonesome mourn.

Be honest…Is that where or who we are?

Or were we but a burning comet?

Fire and ice:  too steep a price.

Would we still choose it?

Destined to lose it

No more need to use it

Together…no longer…still

Birds of a flock, just not of a feather…

Again, high flying solo in stormy weather!

Post-Mortem Learning

So, what have I learned

Being burned and spurned

My life overturned?

The very first thing…for me

Emotions are everything!

I run toward them…unlike many:

Who tried to avoid em?

Emotions are my electric current

Sure, at times I’m short

Sometimes short-circuit

Firing sparks from the heart, at least

I don’t throw dry-static darts

Shocking one senseless

Leaving one speechless.

If emotions wire-inspire my brain

Why did I choose one who would refuse?

To look inside, still trying to hide

In our “his moans, her moans, hormones” haze

From a lost, up at 3am daze

Searching for someone to fill all holes

Running red lights and tolls…

The predictable quandary:

Where is the boundary?

Epilogue:  Reality or Fantasy?

Oh, for a heart that sings and a mind that dances

One willing to swim in deep emotional seas

To go the long distance…just you and me

Confronting the Intimate FOE:  Fear of Exposure

Exploring that treasure:  two hearts beating together

Without losing their individual souls

Clutching each other on breakers and shoals.

Better, provide freely a shoulder

So each becomes bolder

Now growing wiser…not just getting older!

©  Mark Gorkin  2016

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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a Leadership Consultant for the international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University, HQd in Daytona, FL.  Mark is also a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative.  A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army.  The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High Tech World.  Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info, email:  stressdoc@aol.com.