The Stress Doc traces the frustrating-thrustrating path culminating in a startling,
"powerfully emotive," poem on relationship dependency-evolving towards recovery journey.
The
Genesis of “Anger for You/Anger for Me:
A Story of Codependency” – Essay
and Poem
It
started out as a frustrating week. Let
me elaborate. As I explained in the
accompanying essay, “When One Becomes the Powers of Two: The Art of Becoming Your Own Creative Partner,” my last poem, “The Gift of
Writing,” emerged through dialogue with
a previous work. It was as if there was
a confrontation between my past and present word artist selves. Discontent motivated extracting the gems in a
two-year-old “Resiliency Rap.” Tension,
extractions, and new poetic play morphed a very different and, IMHO, a more
compelling poetic structure. Here’s the
link: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/when-one-becomes-powers-two-art-writing-returning-rewriting-gorkin
In the past month or so,
on three different occasions I had successfully achieved poetic confrontation-transformation
…Why not one more? Alas, I wasn’t coming
up with a meaningfully different format; the change seemed superficial. I had gone to the well one time too many.
Actually, as it turned
out, it was a “thrustrating” week. Thrustration, a term coined by
psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Rabkin, occurs when you are feeling stuck between
thrusting ahead with direct action and frustration; you cannot quite put the
creative/problem-solving puzzle pieces together. However, if you can stay with this creative
angst, the tension just might become a magnet, attracting other emotionally
charged ideas or issues.
Feeling stuck, no poetic
inspiration on the horizon, I diverted myself by taking notes on an amazing
book, Van Gogh: The Complete Paintings. When I feel creatively fallow, not unlike the
aforementioned artistic icon, my mood can turn a darker shade of blue. The voice in my head: “You are only as good as your next artistic
outpouring.” And the horizon seemed
ominous.
Another voice also
emerged in this dark blue haze. This one
was beginning to be fueled by some lingering anger towards my ex. I can still gnaw on feelings regarding how
our breakup went down. Between voices, there’s
not necessarily a logical connection…more psycho-logical! Fortunately, the last two years of support
group “Step” work came to the rescue.
Instead of itemizing what she did – directly or indirectly – to me…I
focused more on what I had done to myself
– whether by defects of commission or omission.
And with this revamped mindset, two compelling lines, posed as an
interdependent (codependent may be more apt) question, all of nine words,
materialized:
Is my anger for you
Really anger for me?
And I quickly realized
that these lines, this psycho-existential question, was the basis of a new
poem. It would prove to be an outpouring
that would reexamine our relationship using a more honest and humble lens. More specifically, an introspective 12-step
lens that revealed a series of key questions as self-reflective, therapeutic tools.
At some point, an insight emerged: the whole poem would revolve around this
rhythmic couplet. Once seeing this organizing,
pivotal structure, i.e., beginning and ending alternative sections with the
anger dyad, the song’s narrative fell into place. In addition, as anger lines began to morph
into a rhythmic chorus, plaintively repeated in my head and heart, the next
realization: I was creating my “country
codependency” number. (Please forgive
any “cc” redundancy. 😉)
Kidding aside, it really
is a pretty poignant and powerful piece. I even read
it at a recent EA (Emotions Anonymous) group meeting. A number of people requested copies. Would love to hear your take. Keep on steppin. MG
P.S. Shortly after posting on allpoetry.com, I received this encouraging note:
Wow! Great piece here!
This grabs the reader
with both hands and pleads its case. Powerfully emotive and I love the repeated
phrases, the poet questioning himself almost fearing the answers ... but the
truth need not lie.
Great writing! You need
enter this or another in the new poet's contest.
Looking forward to
reading more from you...
Bev
site greeter
Inspired me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger for You/Anger for Me:
A
Story of Codependency
Is my anger for you
Really anger for me?
Can a me without you
Still have identity?
Was a drifting soul trapped
In the soft lap of dependency?
Is my anger for you
Really anger for me?
So tight
the embrace…
False
security.
Closing
my eyes
To the
wounds still in me.
Was I
so lonely
Unable
to see?
Small
talk, surface life
Numbs recovery.
Is my anger for you
Really anger for me?
Why did I choke on
My integrity?
Was I so desperate
For heart surgery?
Is my anger for you
Really anger for me?
That
hungry craving
For
intimacy:
The
next holy grail
Or
more sex fantasy?
When
will I learn
What
it means just to be
Safe
in my own skin
Not giving
in to idolatry?
Is my
anger for you
Really
anger for me?
Why did you run
From honesty?
Too dark night soul blue?
A man lost at sea?
Is my anger for you
Really anger for me?
Should
a Wandering Jew
Forsake
his artistry?
No
longer asking:
“Where’s
my place to be?”
Why do
I still doubt
That
I’m love worthy?
Can it
be enough
Just
being old me?
No
more anger for you
No
more anger for me
In new
deep growth forest
Kindred
spirits round me
Hold
up a mirror…
Even I
can agree:
In the
big picture
You are a small tree.
No more anger for you
No more anger for me
It really is simple
Plain as can be
One day I’ll look back
And laugh till I’m free
No more anger for you
No more anger for me!
© Mark Gorkin 2017
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
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