How to Talk to the Bully: Disarming Workplace Bullying

Prologue:  As many of you know, when I write about bullying or trauma in general it comes from my personal well, including several years of childhood bully trauma:  stricken by shame, taunted by peers but mostly stalked by my own lurking fear and helplessness, a constant struggle to concentrate, unaware of my smoldering depression, subliminal rage, and omnipresent mask.  Then there was the nuclear tension and family secrets (e.g., a father's hidden fifteen years of shock therapy.  In such a closeted  environment, one learns to stuff all kinds of emotions, even terror, until you can't.)  With the help of Army Basic Training, my Social Work graduate studies, and a lot of therapy, I survived and developed some important self-awareness and vital emotional muscles.  As an adult, my bully learning lab was "hazardous duty" experience, especially doing stress, conflict, violence prevention, and team building consulting with such major government agencies as the US Postal Service, National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Department of Commerce. 

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The subject of bullying and animal types came up several times this week:  from a divorce process involving a psychologically battering spouse and his "shark" attorney to a woman watching a friend's dog "bully" her own dog while caring for this "mad dog."  (My dogie endearment term.  Already fed, the guest canine would still snarl at my friend's pet while he was trying to eat.  She realized her dog was hardly eating and started feeding the two in separate rooms.)  My friend's household observation eventually triggered a conceptual bridge to and discussion around "bullying in the workplace."  Perhaps at a later date I'll share our program development thoughts, but for now let me provide a subjective definition:

A bully is an individual who has a need to dominate others along with an extreme, self-centered craving for control, especially of others for whom they feel a sense of threat or envy.

This dominant or aggressive pattern often is cultivated by being bullied or abused in one's family or in a peer group.  Of course, this environment models intimidation as a problem-solving tool of choice.  And once a pattern of success is achieved through bullying, an individual may simply enjoy the power and dopamine boost of seeing others squirm under his or her literal or figurative thumb.

Conversely, bullying behavior can arise from the smoldering rage and insecurity of feeling abandoned or of being invisible in a family; or perhaps seeing oneself and being labeled as a "lower class" cultural outsider or outcast.  The bully may be quick to feel insulted or disrespected.  Subsequent aggressive behavior often reflects a wounded sense of self.  Which, not surprisingly, leads to the following dynamic:

The bully often physically or psychologically intimidates others as a way of boosting their own vulnerable sense of self.  In addition, the bully process helps to distract from their own insecurity and self-loathing or to deny a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Here are five basic reasons why bullies have power over us:

a) Bully's Status -- they have the role, stature, and clout to inflict physical and/or psychological (including economic or career advancement) harm; to demean and diminish our social position, prestige, and power; such individuals may feel entitled to special treatment or immunity (e.g., "too big to fail" mentality); the bully also may play down his or her hostile actions and see the other as overly sensitive,

b) Superior-Subordinate Culture -- we have been raised in a family or culture that deems it wrong, bad, or disrespectful to talk back to people who are senior or in position of authority; tradition and convention are upheld on a rigid, "sacred cow" (another quiet bully animal?) pedestal.  Consider the "Stress Doc's Law of the Loyalty Loop and Lock":  Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer,"

c) Ineffective Leadership -- especially in the workplace, but also in other educational or social settings, people in authority roles do not want to tackle the bully, whether from fear or because these individuals do not want to be bothered with the necessary "disciplinary paperwork."  Such leaders do not perceive the demoralizing potential of bullying, and/or try to ignore or isolate the problematic individual; (would you downplay, disregard, or simply isolate a serious virus in your computer?).  Alas, there are times when those in authority allow bullying or use the bully as overt or covert agents of aggression to send a message to the targeted individual(s), along with other team members. 

d) Learned Helplessness -- our own long-standing "learned helplessness," seeing ourselves as ineffective, including gripped by high anxiety and feelings of shame; we possess limited assertive conflict-problem solving communication skills; perhaps we have had role models who too believed they possessed low self-control, or we feel disconnected from potential allies; too often, this individual sees himself as helpless in the face of victimization or not worthy of self-defense,

e) Difficulty Asking for Help -- the bullied individual may have limited access to trustworthy adults who could become coaches in his corner; more likely he is afraid and ashamed to acknowledge feelings of terror or vulnerability, especially when a family motto is, "God helps those who help themselves!"  As targets, sometimes we can't conceive of people behaving in such a hostile or cruel manner and are left speechless, in a state of shock.  Remember, while there may be some risk in asking for help, it usually is much less destructive on your mind-body than any imagined retribution; alas, the perceived humiliation of asking for help is only outdone by the actual agony of suffering in silence.

Confronting Bullying:  Five Strategic Tools, Techniques, and Tips

Now that we have a definition of bullying and the psychosocial conditions that encourage this demeaning, power-driven, and manipulative process, our final segment...How to engage and set limits on the bully and bullying interaction:

Ø  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations

Ø  Be Courageously Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors

Ø  Announce an Intention to Bring in a Third Party

Ø  Facilitated Confrontation or Conflict Mediation

Ø  Purposefully Walk Away to Fight Another Day

1.  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations.  Consider these three vignettes.

a) I recall being hired by a business owner for a technical writing project.  Once again he was criticizing my effort with a condescending and dismissive tone.  I finally protested, with perhaps a bit too much emotion:  "I don't mind specific negative feedback but globally dismissing my work; I don't buy it."  In fact, I mustered up some poise using an "I" message, not blurting out a blaming "You're just a bully."  I have not worked for him since, but the absence of that gnawing, self-berating angst, that toxic voice in my head -- "Why didn't you speak up!" -- is almost priceless.

b) Then there was a time years back when a Type A owner of a word processing company, (a former New Yawka, like myself) challenged me with, "How am I supposed to know what to do if you can't give instructions?  (Definitely an attacking "you" message there.)  My response was both verbal and nonverbal:  While tactfully declaring, "I'm not so sure," I also straightened my posture, held up one hand, palm facing her, (this was not a signal to "talk to the hand") while slightly elevating my voice.  Though verbally diplomatic, the gestalt of the message was, "That aggressive attitude and tone was not acceptable; it must stop."  And she did modify her counter:  "Well if there's a problem, it takes two."  And certainly when I'm in a hyper mode, I can't always be sure of the airtight accuracy of my instructions.  I smartly said, "I can live with that."  I wanted to maintain a working relationship as she did good work; I didn't need to puncture her ego nor prove I was right.

c) Finally, the coaching client who had been beaten down verbally and emotionally by her spouse over many years, stated her goal just before she and her soon-to-be-ex were meeting with their lawyers before a judge:  "I no longer want to be intimidated by him."  I immediately challenged this declaration.  "That's a longer term goal.  Right now you have to assemble a really competent and aggressive team, especially a battle-tested attorney, who will fight for your interests."

Closing

I will introduce the remaining four interventions as separate essays.  Up next:  "Be Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors."  Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A former psychotherapist, “The Doc” is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service and is a recognized Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing expert.  The Stress Doc is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Phone Coaching Strategy: Defusing a Volatile, Know-It-All Director and Anti-Bullying Program

Let me help you turn a stressful and conflict-ridden world around with a FREE 15 minute consultation and one 30 or 60 minute coaching session.  Here’s the second rapid (30 min) coaching turn-around in two weeks.  (Each had read one of my burnout articles.)  Please email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567 ™.  Let our work together help you:  a) generate new perspective, b) gain focus and energy, c) stop beating yourself down, d) feel more in control, and e) leave the phone session with an action plan, actual disarming phrases to say, as well as more confidence and hope.  Also, do share this with friends, family, and colleagues.  Thanks,

Mark
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Phone Coaching Strategy:  Defusing a Volatile, Know-It-All Director

From Denver to Brisbane Australia.  That’s where my half-hour Conflict Phone Coaching Sessions have taken me these past two weeks.  The first was with an owner of a small web development company, unsure how to handle a whining, demanding, and self-centered, yet “rainmaking,” sales person.  One half-hour coaching session had her refocused and reenergized, more confident on setting boundaries on this “bully.”  And this week with an Australian architect, born in Malaysia, who has five directors to whom she reports, but mostly is under the micromanaging thumb of the son of the owner of the firm.  The son is quick to pass critical judgment, while never at fault himself.  While she has a good relationship with the father, he basically ignores N’s signals for help.  And N has just received a verbal warning for yelling back at the son in the heat of a drawing board battle.

One time, a work efficiency consultant was brought in to assess the office climate.  However, her recommendations were ignored.  N accepted my conclusion that, when all levels of a system are enabling or actively contributing to dysfunction, and you lack resources to check the toxic environment, in the long run, for the sake of mind-body-spirit health, there is little option other than leaving the firm.  Not surprisingly this work triangle (father-son-N) was analogous to her home triangle – intimidating mother-somewhat passive, conflict-averse father, and N who, while somewhat suppressed in the family, was angrily acting out at school, especially as a teen.

Short-Term Survival Strategy

However, a short-term strategy emerged.  And the tip off was when N said she hates to “back down” with the son.  Clearly past ghosts and echoes were swirling and ringing, compromising an ability to more purposefully and productively manage this “stress carrier.”  (And you know the definition of a “stress carrier”:  Someone who doesn’t get ulcers just gives them!)

As I suspected, his aggressiveness was bringing out in N “You”-message reactiveness:  “You don’t let anyone get a word in,” “All you do is criticize others; you never look in the mirror,” “It’s your fault,” etc.  I told her the trick was to not let the son’s venom stay in her system.  (I reminded her that you need to suck the venom out; but don’t spit it in his face, more by his shoe.)  At the same time she needed to avoid hissing and biting back while professionally standing up for her integrity.  As soon as she sensed the two were into their vicious spiral, she needed to say, “I don’t want this to result in more verbal battling and yelling.  Can we discuss an issue professionally, each of us expressing their views in a civil manner?  If not, then I will walk away.  Perhaps we can try again over the phone in thirty minutes.”  N is not allowing herself to be baited; she’s cooling off her own “hot button.”

I helped N realize that her “hot button” was not just conflicting architectural perspective with this bully.  That was more the tip of the iceberg.  The real heat was from the volcanic memories with her intimidating mother, her passive father and the “family” context” once again being played out in this firm.

Closing Note

As N wrote in a follow-up email:  Thanks for the invoice.  I enjoyed the discussion, too. It's managed to take the edge off how I feel about the situation. I can focus on managing the situation rather than just being consumed by the problem.  N seems more confident that she won’t bring along nearly as much of her baggage to the next firm.  Certainly N is on the path of distancing herself from this dysfunctional system and of…Practicing Safe Stress!
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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet – Personal Exploration and Workplace Intervention:  Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying

 

Bullying...it’s not just for school yards and lunch rooms; it’s increasingly found in offices and work-floors, and, of course, in cyberspace.  And workplace bullying, too, has seriously disruptive and damaging effects and consequences.  Bullying doesn’t just adversely impact an individual…when ignored or downplayed, it creates a climate of fear (“Where’s is leadership?”) and self-blame or shame that, like a virus, eats away at respect for leaders, individual and team trust and coordination, organizational performance and morale.  And there often is a communal wall of silence around this issue.  It’s way past time for “Workplace Bullying” to “Come Out of the Closet”!

 

And Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc will help us take off the blinders and shed light on this critical and controversial subject.  The Doc draws on years of experience as a: a) Psychotherapist (as well as a “Psychohumorist” ™ ;-), b) Crisis, Hazardous Workplace, and Critical Incident Consultant (including being a Stress & Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service), c) Stress Resilience-Team Building Speaker, Consultant, Workshop/Retreat Leader for the US Army, e) author of Practices Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap, and e) his own powerful memories being bullied as a child and young teen.  Through a mix of poignant and energizing lecture, as well as thought-provoking and fun group exercises, all will have a better grasp of:

 

1) Workplace Culture, the Bullying Process, and Basic Definitions

2) “The Bullying Process” Behavior Patterns of both “The Bully” and “The Bullied”
3) The Four Faces of Anger Model for Transforming Rage and Hostility into Passion and Assertion
4) Defusing Power Struggles & Aggressors:  Assertive Communication-Negotiation Skills
5) Workplace Action Steps for “Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process”

Outline/Objectives

A.  Workplace Culture & the Bullying Process:  Overview
B.  Bullying Definitions and Derivations
C.  Bullying Process Practices & Environments:  Dynamic Dozen
D.  Bullying Personalities and the Bullying Processes:  Dynamic Dozen
E.  Warning Signs:  The Bully’s Behavior Patterns
F.  Warning Signs:  The Bullied’s Behavior Patterns
G.  Anger Dynamics and The Bullying Process
H.  Assertive Communication-Conflict Negotiation Skills
I.   Initial Bully Process Intervention
J.  Transforming Burnout, Loss & Grief and Creative Expression Skills
K. Out of the Closet & Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process:   Action Steps

Don’t miss your Appointment with the Stress Doc:

It’s time for all to “Come Out of the Bullying Closet!”

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, The Stress Doc ™
stressdoc@aol.com<>www.stressdoc.com
301-875-2567
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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet:  Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying Program is based on the Doc’s:

a. long-recognized expertise as a Stress & Change Resilience and Critical Incident – Grief & Trauma – Debriefing Consultant, Inspiring Speaker, Workshp/Retreat Leader, Group/Team Facilitator; Stress Doc Program help audiences “Get FIT” by being FUN-Interactive-Thought-provoking; over twenty years as a private practice psychotherapist

b.  decades experience as a Stress & Violence Consultant for the US Postal Service and a Stress Resilience-Humor-Tean Building Retreat Leader for various military units at Ft. Hood, TX; workshops at Ft. Meade, MD, etc.; working on a project with Celena Flowers, Community Services/Family Advocacy Manager at Ft. Meade (celena.flowers@us.army.mil);

c.  ten years Adjunct Asst Professor at Tulane University School of Social Work teaching graduate level course on "Crisis Intervention and Brief Treatment"

d. books, The Four Faces of Anger – Model & Method:  Transforming Anger, Rage, and Conflict and

Practice Safe Stress:  Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression,

e. 20+ years experience as a “Psychohumorist” ™ pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music, Shrink Rap ™ Productions,

f. ground-breaking children’s lyrics and “Resiliency Raps” on “Bullying,” “Family Dynamics/Family Communication,” (email stressdoc@aol.com to view the lyrics/raps; he is the self-described Dr. Seuss of Stress for Adults (and kids of all ages),

g. “The Stress Doc’s ™ Stress Resiliency and Brain Agility Formula for Natural SPEED – Sleep-Priorities/Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet and, most important,

h. own personal experience being bullied as a child and young teen for too many years.

The program can be expanded or streamlined to meet audience needs and logistics; it may also be adapted as a workshop series.
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