How to Talk to the Bully: Disarming Workplace Bullying

Prologue:  As many of you know, when I write about bullying or trauma in general it comes from my personal well, including several years of childhood bully trauma:  stricken by shame, taunted by peers but mostly stalked by my own lurking fear and helplessness, a constant struggle to concentrate, unaware of my smoldering depression, subliminal rage, and omnipresent mask.  Then there was the nuclear tension and family secrets (e.g., a father's hidden fifteen years of shock therapy.  In such a closeted  environment, one learns to stuff all kinds of emotions, even terror, until you can't.)  With the help of Army Basic Training, my Social Work graduate studies, and a lot of therapy, I survived and developed some important self-awareness and vital emotional muscles.  As an adult, my bully learning lab was "hazardous duty" experience, especially doing stress, conflict, violence prevention, and team building consulting with such major government agencies as the US Postal Service, National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Department of Commerce. 

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The subject of bullying and animal types came up several times this week:  from a divorce process involving a psychologically battering spouse and his "shark" attorney to a woman watching a friend's dog "bully" her own dog while caring for this "mad dog."  (My dogie endearment term.  Already fed, the guest canine would still snarl at my friend's pet while he was trying to eat.  She realized her dog was hardly eating and started feeding the two in separate rooms.)  My friend's household observation eventually triggered a conceptual bridge to and discussion around "bullying in the workplace."  Perhaps at a later date I'll share our program development thoughts, but for now let me provide a subjective definition:

A bully is an individual who has a need to dominate others along with an extreme, self-centered craving for control, especially of others for whom they feel a sense of threat or envy.

This dominant or aggressive pattern often is cultivated by being bullied or abused in one's family or in a peer group.  Of course, this environment models intimidation as a problem-solving tool of choice.  And once a pattern of success is achieved through bullying, an individual may simply enjoy the power and dopamine boost of seeing others squirm under his or her literal or figurative thumb.

Conversely, bullying behavior can arise from the smoldering rage and insecurity of feeling abandoned or of being invisible in a family; or perhaps seeing oneself and being labeled as a "lower class" cultural outsider or outcast.  The bully may be quick to feel insulted or disrespected.  Subsequent aggressive behavior often reflects a wounded sense of self.  Which, not surprisingly, leads to the following dynamic:

The bully often physically or psychologically intimidates others as a way of boosting their own vulnerable sense of self.  In addition, the bully process helps to distract from their own insecurity and self-loathing or to deny a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Here are five basic reasons why bullies have power over us:

a) Bully's Status -- they have the role, stature, and clout to inflict physical and/or psychological (including economic or career advancement) harm; to demean and diminish our social position, prestige, and power; such individuals may feel entitled to special treatment or immunity (e.g., "too big to fail" mentality); the bully also may play down his or her hostile actions and see the other as overly sensitive,

b) Superior-Subordinate Culture -- we have been raised in a family or culture that deems it wrong, bad, or disrespectful to talk back to people who are senior or in position of authority; tradition and convention are upheld on a rigid, "sacred cow" (another quiet bully animal?) pedestal.  Consider the "Stress Doc's Law of the Loyalty Loop and Lock":  Those who never want you to answer back always want you to back their answer,"

c) Ineffective Leadership -- especially in the workplace, but also in other educational or social settings, people in authority roles do not want to tackle the bully, whether from fear or because these individuals do not want to be bothered with the necessary "disciplinary paperwork."  Such leaders do not perceive the demoralizing potential of bullying, and/or try to ignore or isolate the problematic individual; (would you downplay, disregard, or simply isolate a serious virus in your computer?).  Alas, there are times when those in authority allow bullying or use the bully as overt or covert agents of aggression to send a message to the targeted individual(s), along with other team members. 

d) Learned Helplessness -- our own long-standing "learned helplessness," seeing ourselves as ineffective, including gripped by high anxiety and feelings of shame; we possess limited assertive conflict-problem solving communication skills; perhaps we have had role models who too believed they possessed low self-control, or we feel disconnected from potential allies; too often, this individual sees himself as helpless in the face of victimization or not worthy of self-defense,

e) Difficulty Asking for Help -- the bullied individual may have limited access to trustworthy adults who could become coaches in his corner; more likely he is afraid and ashamed to acknowledge feelings of terror or vulnerability, especially when a family motto is, "God helps those who help themselves!"  As targets, sometimes we can't conceive of people behaving in such a hostile or cruel manner and are left speechless, in a state of shock.  Remember, while there may be some risk in asking for help, it usually is much less destructive on your mind-body than any imagined retribution; alas, the perceived humiliation of asking for help is only outdone by the actual agony of suffering in silence.

Confronting Bullying:  Five Strategic Tools, Techniques, and Tips

Now that we have a definition of bullying and the psychosocial conditions that encourage this demeaning, power-driven, and manipulative process, our final segment...How to engage and set limits on the bully and bullying interaction:

Ø  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations

Ø  Be Courageously Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors

Ø  Announce an Intention to Bring in a Third Party

Ø  Facilitated Confrontation or Conflict Mediation

Ø  Purposefully Walk Away to Fight Another Day

1.  Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations.  Consider these three vignettes.

a) I recall being hired by a business owner for a technical writing project.  Once again he was criticizing my effort with a condescending and dismissive tone.  I finally protested, with perhaps a bit too much emotion:  "I don't mind specific negative feedback but globally dismissing my work; I don't buy it."  In fact, I mustered up some poise using an "I" message, not blurting out a blaming "You're just a bully."  I have not worked for him since, but the absence of that gnawing, self-berating angst, that toxic voice in my head -- "Why didn't you speak up!" -- is almost priceless.

b) Then there was a time years back when a Type A owner of a word processing company, (a former New Yawka, like myself) challenged me with, "How am I supposed to know what to do if you can't give instructions?  (Definitely an attacking "you" message there.)  My response was both verbal and nonverbal:  While tactfully declaring, "I'm not so sure," I also straightened my posture, held up one hand, palm facing her, (this was not a signal to "talk to the hand") while slightly elevating my voice.  Though verbally diplomatic, the gestalt of the message was, "That aggressive attitude and tone was not acceptable; it must stop."  And she did modify her counter:  "Well if there's a problem, it takes two."  And certainly when I'm in a hyper mode, I can't always be sure of the airtight accuracy of my instructions.  I smartly said, "I can live with that."  I wanted to maintain a working relationship as she did good work; I didn't need to puncture her ego nor prove I was right.

c) Finally, the coaching client who had been beaten down verbally and emotionally by her spouse over many years, stated her goal just before she and her soon-to-be-ex were meeting with their lawyers before a judge:  "I no longer want to be intimidated by him."  I immediately challenged this declaration.  "That's a longer term goal.  Right now you have to assemble a really competent and aggressive team, especially a battle-tested attorney, who will fight for your interests."

Closing

I will introduce the remaining four interventions as separate essays.  Up next:  "Be Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors."  Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A former psychotherapist, “The Doc” is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service and is a recognized Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing expert.  The Stress Doc is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Silent Wall of Shame

Writing about “Bully Types” resurrected an emotion I have grappled with much of my life:  a) being part of a family, especially as a child and teen, riddled with mental illness and shrouded in family secrets, b) as a child and young teen, threatened and emotionally bullied by peers for too many years, c) as an oft underachieving student and, finally, d) as a financially vulnerable speaker/word artist.  The emotion is “SHAME!”  And the crown with the cross:  The ability to harness shame for uncommon empathy as well as creative and inspiring performance.  Perhaps you may relate and/or resonate with this piece.  Peace!

Mark

 

I just showed the latest version of "The Silent Wall of Shame" to a thoughtful high school female who works at Mad City Coffeehouse.  And she immediately said her English teacher could turn this into a class lesson/discussion; "the poem sends a great message."  I sent her the poem and encouraged her to share. 

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The Silent Wall of Shame

Why is it so hard to talk about “shame”?
What makes it the feeling we all fear to name?
How has our “shame” become a straitjacket?
“Shame” must break from that ghost-ridden closet!

"Why can’t you focus; make a decision?"
The shame-brain "iGnaws" mindful attention.
High noon to full  moon text-video dumb
Still can't quite get that frontal cortex numb.

Low scores at school, you're so far from cool:
“How can someone ‘so smart’ be a damn fool?”
Some veil their shame by being too good
Others act out...won't be understood.

When the shamed person gets flame-throwing red
To lose at anything…better to be dead!
Some will crawl under…others will throw rocks
Never try putting "the leper" in a box.

Admitting to shame, you’d wave a white flag.
Keep dragging that black-hole memory bag!
Sins of the family your DNA pulse…still
Why can’t you be like everyone else?

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
Others blame you; you do the same.
The “Shame Game”; deceptive frame
It’s time to change a view that is lame.

When the culture is “win at all cost”
Then anything less means everything’s lost.
Meek against mighty, there’s no more high road
All know who’s right when there’s no moral code.

Where is shame’s trailhead, and where will it roam?
How does this virus make the mind its home?
An unwanted touch, a whiplash tongue
"Don't embarrass us":  You’re always wrong!

Though not an assault or stinging curse
Haunting family secrets may be the worst.
Like smoking those butts…puff, puff, puff toxin
Slowly…deadly…five senses corrosion.

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
It’s not all your fault; some can’t say the same.
The “Shame game”; devious frame
It’s time to change; know what’s insane.

Each day one fails to secure safe haven
One more soul tremor if not spirit cave-in.
Whether for months or forty desert years
The shame cactus thrives on a trickle of tears.

Like the small lizard ever sensing danger
Changing colors for both friend and stranger.
More than noxious words or violent deeds
Inside our head, shadowy seeds.

Day after day betraying themselves
Souls lost in sealed jars alone on dark shelves.
Some shatter glass; others dwell in “sin”
Most learn to hide to save their own skin.

When drugs or drinking keep all on egg shells…
Will this be the night of family from hell?
An iceberg of torment, trapped base of rage…
Cracks in the ozone melting your courage.

An unknowing transfer of adult shame
An unconscious part of the psychic game:
“Damned if I’ll be like mom…the old man”
Tells me you’re scarred deep, deep from within.

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
Don’t close your eyes; look at the stain!
The “shame Game”; fictitious refrain
It’s time to change; wake up your brain.

Sometimes a “Rap” needs a true story
One that reveals a soul’s grief or glory:
A failed rite of passage, when but a tyke
My dad could not teach me to ride a bike.

Was the bike too big, his patience too short?
Was I so afraid?  Why did we abort?
Nothing was mentioned; for now, trust broken
In this cycle of life…hope went unspoken.

For so many years, I watched my friends ride
It’s “No big deal”…but, in truth, was sick inside.
And saddest of all when wearing a mask
You vanish so well…people no longer ask.

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
Please open up…despite the pain
The “shame game”; counterfeit frame
It’s time to change; fiercely complain!

The shame around failure breeds over time
Becomes a monster – no reason or rhyme.
You are possessed by the “Intimate FOE”:
Fear of Exposure chokes the will to grow.

Why should one try with peril so high?
Better set goals that are pie-in-the-sky.
No risk of failing when caught in a breach…
Simply avoid or just short-arm your reach.

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
Life involves risk; don’t buy chronic drain
The “s-game”; a corrupt frame
It’s time to change; explore your range.

Why pour out my words in this tale of pain?
Now recall never fails to fire my brain.
To no longer run, to no longer hide
Unlimited source of affirming pride.

A fount of purpose, raging river passion
Ride out those waves of humiliation.
Your storm tossed quest…only two life jackets:
Reach out for help…do your best to hack it.

Build muscle memory, steady those nerves
Nothing can replace a true learning curve.
Oh yes, a final thought you might like:
I did teach myself to ride that darn bike.

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
One step at a time; forge your own lane
The s-game; big bogus frame
It’s time to change; so what’s wrong with strange?

To break through that blocked head of shame
First bore a hole – a self-aware frame.
Sure you have that complex family tree…still
Shakespeare rings true:  To be or not to be?

Next, challenge a sense of dishonor
Not all alone…with trusted advisor.
Learn when to hold on, accept that things end…
Know when a hug is your most precious friend.

There is no disgrace in losing a race
When mind-body-spirit fused time and space.
Now discontent spurs determination
Or allows for “incubation vacation”…

Brood with kindred souls; lick wounds, let go…grieve.
Learn from past invective...now your reprieve:
Hatch new perspective – hopeful days and morrows
For having the courage to embrace all sorrows.

The “Shame Game,” The “Shame Game”
Burn that old frame with your inner flame
“Strive High, Embrace Failure” your new middle name
You’re ready to change the rules of the game.

Aha!  An answer to Shakespeare’s query

It’s not existential; just start “to bee” –

Circle your egos, unravel the guilt
Weave “brainbow”-colored threads as a group quilt. **

There’s limited juice squeezed from self-abuse
Harness pain and rage; tie a well-oiled noose.
Pull on the reins; guide your human-horse brain…
Now cry out and leap that “Silent Wall of Shame!”

**  “brainbow” – from Douglas Hofstadter & Emmanuel Sander, Surfaces and Essences:  Analogy as the Fuel and Fire of Thinking, Basic Books, 2013


© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  The Doc is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate insurance and wellness brokerage group.  He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Resiliency Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Psychohumor ™ Pop Imagery of Workplace Bully Types and Stop Bullying Program

This is my first attempt at writing a Resiliency/Shrink Rap ™ on "Workplace Bully Types."  I am drawing upon:

1) professional experience, e.g., as a “Hazardous Workplace” expert for federal and city government agencies, as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, as a Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing Consultant, and as a Licensed Psychotherapist (LICSW) and Executive Coach

2) previous writings, including my book, The Four Faces of Anger:  Model and Method – Transforming  Anger, Rage and Conflict, along with several lyrics/raps on children’s bullying, and

3) current thinking as well as planning for a March 2015 program with Wash, DC Federally Employed Women (FEW), "Coming Out of the Bullying Closet:  Personal Examination and Workplace Intervention."

In this "Rap," evocative types are skewered less with the KISS of Death ("Keep It Simple Stupid") and more with the spirit or the "Breath of KISS"…My spearing/sparing goal:  Keep Images Short and Smart!  It's 5similar to the life-force of my Psychohumor Pop:  Poetry with Pith and Punch.  (Email for previous “Pops.”)  Enjoy.

 

Mark

 

A little lagniappe – a “bullying” program blurb/objectives posted after the Rap:

Coming Out of the Bullying Closet – Personal Exploration and Workplace Intervention: Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying

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Bullies, Bullies Everywhere

(Oh Where Is There a Shrink?)

How many bully types

Can you start to name?
All those shapes and stripes…
Seek toys for their mind games.

Know-it-alls and demons
Stalking you at work.
Can’t wipe out their venom
Just muttering, “You jerk!”

For they will tease and taunt
Get underneath your skin.
Your dreams they too will haunt…
Oh, where do you begin?

Bully for you, Bully for Me
It’s time for your third degree
Bully for Me, Bully for you
Why are you turning so blue?

Let’s give them a label
Let us expose their rear –
The mean and the miserable
Craving status and your fear.

They’re sharks in the water
Smelling beads of blood
Preying on the weaker
To quench their own mood.

First the “HE Man” Nation
All those lusting for control.
Driven by H…“Humiliation” and E…“Envy”:
Trapped in a Type A-hole.

Next the “Savior” SHE Hound
Could be dudette or a dude
Ever bossing you around
Of course, for your own good!

Bully for you, Bully for Me
victim or Victor…can’t you see
Bully for Me, Bully for you
As long as you give Me my due.

There’s the one “Too BIG to Fire”
She shakes the money tree.
The top dogs give her a flyer and
Brown nose this mighty SHE.

The “Critical Aggressor”
Needs an “Approval Addict.”
They dance affixed together –
Codependent rules so strict.

Finally found your “Mr. Right”
You searched for nights and days
Who knew he’d be so uptight
With a first name of “Always!”  **

The “Explosive Flasher”
Her face flamethrowing red.
A “blame-aholic” boozer:
To lose is to be dead!

Bully for you, Bully for Me
Now here’s My final decree
Bully for Me, Bully for you
Go find one to bully, too!

The “Hollywood Strong Silent Man”
With those big broad shoulders
For him to be strong…You be silent, ma’am!
Just watch him seethe and smolder.

Composed on the outside
On razor’s edge within:
The “Dr. Jekyl-Mr. Hyde”
Backstabs with a Cheshire grin!

Mr. “Hostile Humor’s”
Trail of tears scarcasm.
A serial abuser
Joking off…his orgasm!

These bulbs on the bully tree
Have two things in common:
“The World Evolves Around Me”
And there’s but one opinion:

[For these last lines to ring most true
Sing it just like “Tea for Two”]

you for Me and Me for Me
Oh how nurturing you will be.
Forget to be or not to be…
Just simply think of ME, ME, ME!

 

 

** (Can’t recall the name of the female comic from whom I head the “Always” punchline)

 

© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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Coming Out of the Bullying Closet – Personal Exploration and Workplace Intervention: Short-Circuiting the Cycle of Workplace Bullying

 

Bullying...it’s not just for school yards and lunch rooms; it’s increasingly found in offices and work-floors, and, of course, in cyberspace.  And workplace bullying, too, has seriously disruptive and damaging effects and consequences.  Bullying doesn’t just adversely impact an individual…when ignored or downplayed, it creates a climate of fear (“Where’s is leadership?”) and self-blame or shame that, like a virus, eats away at respect for leaders, individual and team trust and coordination, organizational performance and morale.  And there often is a communal wall of silence around this issue.  It’s way past time for “Workplace Bullying” to “Come Out of the Closet”!

 

And Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc will help us take off the blinders and shed light on this critical and controversial subject.  The Doc draws on years of experience as a: a) Psychotherapist (as well as a “Psychohumorist” ™ ;-), b) Crisis, Hazardous Workplace, and Critical Incident Consultant (including being a Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service), c) Stress Resilience-Team Building Speaker, Consultant, Workshop/Retreat Leader for the US Army, e) author of Practices Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Resiliency Rap, and e) his own powerful memories being bullied as a child and young teen.  Through a mix of poignant and energizing lecture, as well as thought-provoking and fun group exercises, all will have a better grasp of:

 

1) Workplace Culture, the Bullying Process, and Basic Definitions

2) “The Bullying Process” Behavior Patterns of both “The Bully” and “The Bullied”
3) The Four Faces of Anger Model for Transforming Rage and Hostility into Passion and Assertion
4) Defusing Power Struggles and Aggressors:  Assertive Communication-Negotiation Skills
5) Workplace Action Steps for “Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process”

 

Outline/Objectives

 

A.  Workplace Culture & the Bullying Process:  Overview

B.  Bullying Definitions and Derivations

C.  Bullying Process Practices and Environments:  Dynamic Dozen

D.  Bullying Personalities and the Bullying Processes:  Dynamic Dozen

E.  Warning Signs:  The Bully’s Behavior Patterns

F.  Warning Signs:  The Bullied’s Behavior Patterns

G.  Anger Dynamics and The Bullying Process

H.  Assertive Communication-Conflict Negotiation Skills

I.   Initial Bully Process Intervention

J.  Transforming Burnout, Loss & Grief and Creative Expression Skills

K. "Out of the Closet" -- Short-Circuiting the Bullying Process:   Action Steps

Don’t miss your Appointment with the Stress Doc:

 

It’s time for all to “Come Out of the Bullying Closet!”

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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™
Stress& Change Resilience Counseling-Coaching-Consultation
Crisis Intervention-Burnout-Bullying/Conflict-Loss-Grief
Phone-Electronic-Skype-In-Person
301-875-2567
www.stressdoc.com
stressdoc@aol.com
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Children's Lyrics and Resiliency Raps -- From Bullying and Family Communication to Natural SPEED

BULLY Boy/Girl

[A variation on, yet in the tune of, the children’s song/camp favorite, “B-I-N-G-O”; can be sung as BULLY Girl]

{In this version, the four (or five lines) of each stanza are sung with the same melody as in the original; specifically, the last two lines of each stanza have the same melody as the first two lines.  The same rules apply to the B-U-L-L-Y chorus as in the B-I-N-G-O chorus.}
~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my school there is a kid      
And Bully Boy’s his name, oh
He blames me for what he did
And tries to make me cry, oh…

B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y…
And Bully Boy’s his name, sigh.

Chasing me after school
Bullying’s his game, oh
Calling me a “little fool”
My oh my oh why, oh?

B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y…
And Bully Boy’s his name, sigh.

Why does he pick on me?
The Boy should be ashamed, oh
Is he green with jealousy?
Or just a red bull guy, oh…

B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y…
And Bully Boy’s his name, sigh.

I must learn to take a stand
And nurture my heart’s flame, oh
Not give in to his demands
And look him in the eye, oh…

B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y…
And Bully Boy’s his name, sigh

I will find one trustworthy
To talk out all my pain, oh
Then stand tall as an oak tree
Or walk away, nothing to say
But with my head up high, oh…

B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y…
And Bully Boy’s his name, sigh

Now I see a scared boy like me
Who hides his pain and shame, oh
If he wants to talk to me
I’ll share how I wrestled free
But he must want to try, oh…

B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y… B-U-L-L-Y…
I won’t play his bully game, oh
B-R-A-V-O… B-R-A-V-O… B-R-A-V-O…
I stood up for my own name, OH!

© Mark Gorkin  2014

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

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The Stress Doc explores a range of family life dynamics in this powerful lyrical piece based on a familiar Civil War tune.  This offering has relevance not only for families, and also for the military, educators, social workers, counselors, and a wide array of family-allied health professionals.  And while sliding from the joyful to the poignantly painful, the lyric closes on an uplifting note of grace and hope!

Who’s Coming through the Door Again?

[To the tune of “When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again”]

When mommy comes walking through the door, hurrah, hurrah
When mommy comes walking through the door, hurrah, hurrah
My mind will dance, my heart will sing
When I hear the doorbell ring
And we’ll all shout “Hurrah” when mommy comes home again!

When daddy comes walking through the door, hurrah, hurrah
When daddy comes walking through the door, hurrah, hurrah
He’ll lift me high, like a bird I’ll fly
“Never put me down,” I’ll cry
And we’ll all shout “Hurrah” when daddy comes home again!

When mommy can’t come home again, boo-hoo, boo-hoo
When mommy can’t come home again, boo-hoo, boo-hoo
Now my shouts turn to self-doubt
As I pout or just lash out
Oh we miss you mommy, please come home again!

When daddy can’t come home again, boo-hoo, boo-hoo
When daddy can’t come home again, boo-hoo, boo-hoo
My heart no longer has a song; my hero’s missing
Something’s so wrong
Oh we miss you daddy, please come home again!

When mommy and daddy fight again, uh oh, uh oh
When mommy and daddy fight again, uh oh, uh oh
When mommy yells and daddy hits
Now my tummy’s having fits
And we all feel bad when mommy and daddy fight!

When mommy and daddy drink again, oh no, oh no
When mommy and daddy drink again, oh no, oh no
“No place like home” more battle zone
And all I want to be is gone
And we’re all sad when mommy and daddy drink!

When mommy and daddy fight and drink, watch out, watch out
When mommy and daddy fight and drink, watch out, watch out
My head against the wall I’ll bang
Help…I don’t want to join a gang
And we’re all mad when family fight and drink!

When angry silence comes marching in, please no, please no
When angry silence comes marching in, please no, please no
A once happy home feels like a tomb
Covered by a shroud of gloom
I can’t even hide in my room
For overhead the sword of doom
We’re all numb when angry silence comes through the door.

Why can’t we be a family again, oh please, oh please?
Why can’t we be a family again, oh please, oh please?
We’ll laugh and sing and even fight
Not might – but help – will make it right
Talking together helps shine a light
And fear will finally sleep tonight
Holding each other warm and tight
And we’ll be a family, ‘Hoorah,” we’ll be a family again!

© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Natural SPEED Rap for Kids – Part I

Disarming Bullying and Building Stress Resilience

 Mom is overload edgy
Dad is big boss upset
Sis is boyfriend angry
And you’re in a sweat!

The in-crowd at school
Shoves you to the side
While they pass by so cool
You wish you could hide…

Panic and terror

Like lightning and thunder
Where is a big rock
For me to crawl under?

But charging down the hall
Like a mad bull in heat
As you feel so small
Resigned to defeat…

The schoolyard bully
Laughing at your fear
Taking your lunch money
Leaving you in despair!

Panic and terror

Like thunder and lightning
Why do I find
So many things frightening?

And why, oh why
Isn’t a teacher around?
To hear your silent cry
Or the bull’s snorting sound!

When life seems hopeless
With nowhere to turn
There’s help for your stress
Sit back…listen and learn.

Panic and terror

Like lightning and thunder
Is it much sound and fury?
I’m starting to wonder.

Let Me Be Brief:  Key Pillars of Relief

First, be wary of “friends”
Who act like big shot stars
They use you for their ends
And ignore who you are.

But the biggest mistake
Is to bottle up fear
From this you will break, so…
Find a trustworthy ear.

She’s older and wiser
Shows you how to hold them
He’s artful in poker
So knows when to fold em.

Reframe panic and terror

As more trial and error
Embrace flaw and failure
Expand human nature!

Now speak calmly, move swiftly
The Poet-Ninja Way:
Eye the bully coolly
Like a fox, no delay.

Breathe out anxiety
Smartly walk away.
Reflect in a diary…and live
To right (and write) another day!

Reframe panic and terror

As more error and trial
Grow from flaw and failure
You’ve walked the toughest mile!

Actions and Reactions:  Logical and Psychological

To disarm this cruelty
Find a strong allied voice.
Talk with the Bull family
But, if left no other choice…

March with authority
To the principal’s office.
Rid your back of the monkey
You are through playing nice!

You are not a snitch
Nor squealer or tattler
Less disloyal witch
More real gutsy battler!

Rename terror and panic
Rethink flaw and failure
You’re just a bit “manic.”
Don’t let labels nail ya!

We all have fantasies:
“Go ahead…make my day!”
Alas, the “real” enemies
Are oft hidden away…

Inside one’s caged mind
To be gently torn apart
As you explore humankind
Through the beat of a heart!

To view panic and terror

As neither error nor trial
Receive flaw and failure
With a sly Buddha smile!

Natural SPEED:  Stress Resiliency

When the crisis is past
And you no longer bleed
For strength that will last
Try the Doc’s Natural SPEED!


© Mark Gorkin  2014
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a "diversity in unity" poem:  each letter of the SPEED acronym has a somewhat different poetic style and structure yet provides a united pathway for stress resiliency and brain agility (for kids of all ages).

Natural SPEED for Kids (of all ages):  Part II
Stress Resiliency and Brain Agility through
Sleep-Priorities-Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet

Are you the “poster child” for stress and duress?
Do you need a lesson on “Practice Safe Text?”
Or is it too late…it’s simply time to confess
To all night gaming – which may be a warning
When you're clicking madly at three in the morning?
But relax, have no fear...
The Stress Doc ™ is here. So lay worries to rest…
Now listen and learn to Practice Safe Stress! ™

As you sprint to the wire with blood pressure higher
Timeless mind-body tips to heed
For slowing down, getting feet on the ground
And building Natural SPEED – Sleep-Priority/Passion-Empathy-Exercise-Diet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

S is for Sleep

Don’t be cheap with your need for sleep
For mind-body rest, sleep must be deep.
Turn off that tablet!!!
Fight “one more text” creep
If you must, go wail and weep
Then settle down…count virtual sheep
Just don’t cheat your need for sleep!
P.S.  I may not know your latest gadget
But I know about games under the blanket!

The Human Stain of Caffeine Brain

Have energy drain? Beware caffeine brain
Don’t be a “Coke”-head or “Red Bull” pain
And your sugar highs give me “brain strain.”
Is it ADD or
A craving for the fast lane?
The Energizer Bunny routine
Is getting lame.
I know one of us will go insane…
No more “Purple Heart Burnout Game”!

A Reflection on Meditation

Pull the plug on this crash and burn trap…
Why not short “Meditation” naps:
Close your eyes, hands in your lap.
Now deep breaths
While not a snap, do your daily laps…
Mind chatter clouds drift away ASAP
As inner peace fills your mental map
Pull the plug on that manic trap.

Nap Time:  It’s Not a Crime

“Naps are for kids”; don’t buy that crap
Naps bridge the “kids of all ages” gap.
If at your school
The “M”-word causes flap –
“Meditation”…“airy-fairy claptrap”
Simply smile; no need to snap:
I’m getting tired from the same old rap
It must be time for my power nap!

Follow and Flow to Your Rainbow

Some final thoughts you might follow:
A good night’s sleep consolidates info
At times revealing an Aha! “brainbow.”
Give your mind-body time to lay low
Bring on that test…perform like a pro!
Burning both candle ends
Not the way to go…
Explore nightly dreams – your deep secrets show
Uncover a world of light and shadow
Learn to grow with nature’s ebb and flow!


© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P is for Priority

To establish a big “priority”

Don’t just follow the majority
Ask key questions with authority:

What?

What becomes high priority for you?
What turns you off, what will you work for?
What if it’s missing will leave you so blue?

Who?

Who will you battle to even the score?
Who will you ask for “tough love” review?
Who understands that less may be more?

When?

When is it urgent, when to make do?
When to attend, when to ignore?
When does the past spur on the new?

How?

How will you react when you land on the floor?
How will you plan when “there’s nothing to do”?
How will you feel when they show you the door?

Where?

Where will you go when you haven’t a clue?
Where is the path you have to explore?
Where lurks the grail you must pursue?

Why?

Why would you choose to be artist poor?
Why shake up a familiar world view?
Why set and test limits both after and before?
Why harness pressure till you’re ready to spew?
Why play it safe?…Hey, why not soar!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P is also for Passion

The Uncommon Paradox of Passion:  A Preamble

When you read or hear the word “passion”
Are you thinking sex, shoes, or fashion?  ;-)
Or does passion itself raise serious doubt
Hmm…are we now talking early stage burnout?
Perhaps I’m being just a tad playful, still…
Some believe passion borderline sinful.
Naturally, there’s that three letter “s”-word
Ponder another, perhaps not so absurd…

The “s”-sense of passion is “suffering.”
A brooding, artistic, hot lava wellspring
Erupting in quest of that symbolic ring.
Or the torment of Jesus or of a martyr –
(Who knew…the image of passion as a Jewish Mother! ;-)
Such pain and anguish push you deeper and farther
If willing to work longer and harder.
Marry sense and spirit – sure a tall order
As you will read…you’ll be stronger and smarter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Passion Sense

When it comes to passion, what’s its sight?
Inner vision that turns darkness bright.
A person or project lights up your mind
All else in shadows or left behind.

The passion sense is quite intense
Sees past, present, and future tense.
Often lacking common sense…still
Sight may make all the difference.

When it comes to passion, what’s its sound?
A beat, a rhythm, a soul heaven bound.
A heart will sing, a mind will dance
Sway to the rhythm of romance.

The passion sense is quite intense
Hears past, present, and future tense.
Often lacking common sense…still
Sound may make all the difference.

When it comes to passion, what’s its taste?
Oh please beware that chocolate waist.
Of course the mouth is where you start
Then mind and mood yield food for thought.

The passion sense is quite intense
Savors past, present, and future tense.
Often lacking common sense…still
Taste may make all the difference.

When it comes to passion, what’s its touch?
A gentle caress, an innocent blush
The defiant push of a brain fevered rush…
When you know you want “it” so very much.

The passion sense is quite intense
Embraces past, present, and future tense.
Often lacking common sense…still
Touch may make all the difference.

When it comes to passion, what’s its smell?
Some exotic perfume casting a spell
Or crisp mountain air, a fragrant glen…
Time travel from now to way back when.

The passion sense is quite intense
Breathes in past, present, and future tense.
Often lacking common sense…still
Smell may make all the difference.

Coda

The “sixth sense” of passion – intuition
Mind-body-soul comes to fruition.
Embody the vices and voices within
And know every loss is a chance to begin.
The meaning of life: discover your essence
The purpose of life:  bestow your true presence.
So the passion challenge:  be your fullest self
Without, of course, becoming full of yourself!


© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

E is for Empathy

Preamble

With “empathy” or “sympathy”
Do you ponder and then sigh:
“Pretty much the same to me?”
Well let me break (down) any tie:

Parts vibrate sympathetically
The heart shares pain and passion.
The head mixes pity with sympathy
Empathy shows true compassion.

What about a French variation
On “superior” sympathy?
A romantic three-word vision:
Egalite, Fraternite and Empathie!
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sympathy you feel for
Empathy you feel with.
Sympathy picks one off the floor
Empathy shares the war-torn ditch.

Don’t just walk in another’s shoes
And pretend you are a cousin.
Empathy lets you sing their blues
And when pacing feel their bunions!

Empathy you must perceive
Your essence in the other.
Despite what all else believe
You know:  “the stranger” is part brother!

Sensitive antennae
Pick up so much disarray.
One dark side of empathy
Please…don’t give yourself away!

When will you learn to ebb and flow?
Empathy attracts so much drama
Do know your limits…don’t limit your “No”s
And enjoy some savvy humor:

"E" is for the "Empathy"
Found in a caring shoulder.
But all give without take is a big mistake
For now you shoulder a boulder.

Find a stress buddy who knows TLC
Someone honest and self-aware –
One who gives “Tender Loving Criticism”
Yet also takes “Tough Loving Care!”

A final thought on empathy
Explode myths concerning gender.
Harness the power of “T n T” –
Let the “Tough” surge with the “Tender!”


© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

E is for Exercise

It’s so hard to exercise
Let me count the reasons why:

It’s too cold, it’s too hot
A video would hit the spot!

After school I’m really beat
A killer game…now that’s sweet.

After all that classroom crap
Please…don’t give the same old rap!

Exercise, exercise
Off the couch and pump those thighs.
Exercise, exercise
Enough with those eyebrows and sighs.

“I’ll ‘Play 20,’” then I’ll scram…
I’d rather shoot an Instagram.

Exercise may float your boat
I’d rather steer our cool remote.

Hey, all that time on the phone
My fingers ran a marathon.

Sure I love to perspire:
“Liar, liar pants on fire!”

“All the kids are outside”…
Mickey D’s a good place to hide.

Exercise, exercise
Don’t crawl the mall for “good” buys
Exercise, exercise
Forget those greasy fries (or guys).

I have homework, so much to do
What do you mean, “That’s something new!”

I know it’s what I should want
Guess I’m just so darn defiant. ;-)

Kids and teens who’d rather squawk
Do they ever walk their talk?

Guess this kind – north and south
Much prefer to run their mouth.

Of course I’m playing, some pointed fun
With those who do anything but run.

Exercise, exercise

Not just for macho gals and guys

Exercise, exercise

Take a stroll under blue skies
Exercise, exercise
Lose your mind as time flies
Exercise, exercise
You’ll become both lean and wise.
------------------

Exercise:  The Reasons Why
Pretty Basic:  Do or Die!
(Rants and Rages for all Ages)

We don’t need another treatise
“Why the Cause of Diabetes.”
Or bestow more authority
On the crisis of obesity.
So too the “vox” vascular
Becoming much too popular.
What is the family history
On cardio-respiratory?
Exercise in abstentia
Not the way to fight dementia.
Sure it’s all just one big joke
Until that bolt called mini-stroke!

Don’t need to be an “Iron Man”
To stop being an also-ran.
Even if a chronic slacker
Just go designate a nagger.
(But remember…a “designated nagger” –
That person who will nag for free
Just may nag with excess glee!)

When discipline’s beyond control
First set a daily walking goal.
No need to feel just like a dud
Go find yourself a walking bud.
Create a start-to-stopping point
If sense of order’s out of joint.
30 minutes non-stop spin
A natural kick of endorphin.
Who needs a marijuana scene…
Turn on your own dopamine.
“Runner’s high” or “runner’s calm?”
Who cares…life’s no more one big alarm!
So a quest for real endurance
Boosts all kinds of “live performance.”
Exercise adds both zest and zoom
To home, work-life, and the classroom!

Closing Confession:

When it comes to exercise
I don’t always take the prize.
But of this I must confess…
I do like feeling virtuous!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

D is for Diet

[to be completed shortly]

© Mark Gorkin  2015
Shrink Rap ™ Productions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc leads one-day "Stress Resiliency" workshops for "METRO" Managers and Supervisors of the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).   "The Doc" is also a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Stress Resilience/Wellness Consultant for the international corporate wellness/insurance brokerage group, The Hays Companies.  Mark leads highly interactive, innovative, and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.  And click https://vimeo.com/69053828 for the Stress Doc's wildly pioneering "Shrink Rap" video.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"