Prologue: As many of you know, when I write about
bullying or trauma in general it comes from my personal well, including several
years of childhood bully trauma: stricken
by shame, taunted by peers but mostly stalked by my own lurking fear and
helplessness, a constant struggle to concentrate, unaware of my smoldering
depression, subliminal rage, and omnipresent mask. Then there was the nuclear tension and family
secrets (e.g., a father's hidden fifteen years of shock therapy. In such a closeted environment, one learns to stuff all
kinds of emotions, even terror, until you can't.) With the help of Army Basic Training, my
Social Work graduate studies, and a lot of therapy, I survived and developed
some important self-awareness and vital emotional muscles. As an adult, my bully learning lab was "hazardous
duty" experience, especially doing stress, conflict, violence prevention, and
team building consulting with such major government agencies as the US Postal
Service, National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration, and the
Department of Commerce.
~~~~~~~~~~
The
subject of bullying and animal types came up several times this week: from a divorce process involving a
psychologically battering spouse and his "shark" attorney to a woman
watching a friend's dog "bully" her own dog while caring for this
"mad dog." (My dogie endearment term. Already fed, the guest canine would still snarl at my
friend's pet while he was trying to eat.
She realized her dog was hardly eating and started feeding the two in
separate rooms.) My friend's household
observation eventually triggered a conceptual bridge to and discussion around
"bullying in the workplace."
Perhaps at a later date I'll share our program development thoughts, but
for now let me provide a subjective definition:
A bully is an individual who has a need
to dominate others along with an extreme, self-centered craving for control,
especially of others for whom they feel a sense of threat or envy.
This
dominant or aggressive pattern often is cultivated by being bullied or abused
in one's family or in a peer group. Of
course, this environment models intimidation as a problem-solving tool of
choice. And once a pattern of success is
achieved through bullying, an individual may simply enjoy the power and
dopamine boost of seeing others squirm under his or her literal or figurative
thumb.
Conversely,
bullying behavior can arise from the smoldering rage and insecurity of feeling
abandoned or of being invisible in a family; or perhaps seeing oneself and being labeled as a
"lower class" cultural outsider or outcast. The bully may be quick to feel insulted or
disrespected. Subsequent aggressive
behavior often reflects a wounded sense of self. Which, not surprisingly, leads to the
following dynamic:
The bully often physically or
psychologically intimidates others as a way of boosting their own vulnerable
sense of self. In addition, the bully
process helps to distract from their own insecurity and self-loathing or to
deny a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.
Here are five basic reasons why bullies
have power over us:
a) Bully's
Status -- they have the role, stature, and clout to inflict physical and/or
psychological (including economic or career advancement) harm; to demean and
diminish our social position, prestige, and power; such individuals may feel
entitled to special treatment or immunity (e.g., "too big to fail"
mentality); the bully also may play down his or her hostile actions and see the
other as overly sensitive,
b) Superior-Subordinate
Culture -- we have been raised in a family or culture that deems it wrong,
bad, or disrespectful to talk back to people who are senior or in position of
authority; tradition and convention are upheld on a rigid, "sacred
cow" (another quiet bully animal?) pedestal. Consider the "Stress Doc's Law of the
Loyalty Loop and Lock": Those who never want you to answer back
always want you to back their answer,"
c) Ineffective
Leadership -- especially in the workplace, but also in other educational or
social settings, people in authority roles do not want to tackle the bully, whether
from fear or because these individuals do not want to be bothered with the necessary
"disciplinary paperwork." Such
leaders do not perceive the demoralizing potential of bullying, and/or try to
ignore or isolate the problematic individual; (would you downplay, disregard,
or simply isolate a serious virus in your computer?). Alas, there are times when those in authority
allow bullying or use the bully as overt or covert agents of aggression to send
a message to the targeted individual(s), along with other team members.
d) Learned
Helplessness -- our own long-standing "learned helplessness," seeing
ourselves as ineffective, including gripped by high anxiety and feelings of
shame; we possess limited assertive conflict-problem solving communication
skills; perhaps we have had role models who too believed they possessed low
self-control, or we feel disconnected from potential allies; too often, this
individual sees himself as helpless in the face of victimization or not worthy of
self-defense,
e) Difficulty Asking for Help -- the bullied individual may have limited
access to trustworthy adults who could become coaches in his corner; more
likely he is afraid and ashamed to acknowledge feelings of terror or
vulnerability, especially when a family motto is, "God helps those who
help themselves!" As targets,
sometimes we can't conceive of people behaving in such a hostile or cruel
manner and are left speechless, in a state of shock. Remember, while there may be some risk in
asking for help, it usually is much less destructive on your mind-body than any
imagined retribution; alas, the perceived
humiliation of asking for help is only outdone by the actual agony of suffering
in silence.
Confronting Bullying: Five Strategic Tools, Techniques, and Tips
Now
that we have a definition of bullying and the psychosocial conditions that
encourage this demeaning, power-driven, and manipulative process, our final
segment...How to engage and set limits
on the bully and bullying interaction:
Ø Be Affirming
with Realistic Expectations
Ø Be Courageously
Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors
Ø Announce
an Intention to Bring in a Third Party
Ø Facilitated
Confrontation or Conflict Mediation
Ø Purposefully
Walk Away to Fight Another Day
1.
Be Affirming with Realistic Expectations. Consider these three vignettes.
a) I
recall being hired by a business owner for a technical writing project. Once again he was criticizing my effort with
a condescending and dismissive tone. I
finally protested, with perhaps a bit too much emotion: "I don't mind specific negative feedback
but globally dismissing my work; I don't buy it." In fact, I mustered up some poise using an
"I" message, not blurting out a blaming "You're just a bully." I have not worked for him since, but the
absence of that gnawing, self-berating angst, that toxic voice in my head --
"Why didn't you speak up!" -- is almost priceless.
b) Then
there was a time years back when a Type A owner of a word processing company,
(a former New Yawka, like myself) challenged me with, "How am I supposed
to know what to do if you can't give
instructions? (Definitely an attacking "you"
message there.) My response was both
verbal and nonverbal: While tactfully
declaring, "I'm not so sure," I also straightened my posture, held up
one hand, palm facing her, (this was not a signal to "talk to the
hand") while slightly elevating my voice.
Though verbally diplomatic, the gestalt of the message was, "That
aggressive attitude and tone was not acceptable; it must stop." And she did modify her counter: "Well if there's a problem, it takes
two." And certainly when I'm in a
hyper mode, I can't always be sure of the airtight accuracy of my
instructions. I smartly said, "I
can live with that." I wanted to
maintain a working relationship as she did good work; I didn't need to puncture
her ego nor prove I was right.
c) Finally,
the coaching client who had been beaten down verbally and emotionally by her
spouse over many years, stated her goal just before she and her soon-to-be-ex
were meeting with their lawyers before a judge: "I no longer want to be intimidated by him." I immediately challenged this
declaration. "That's a longer term
goal. Right now you have to assemble a
really competent and aggressive team, especially a battle-tested attorney, who
will fight for your interests."
Closing
I
will introduce the remaining four interventions as separate essays. Up next: "Be Absurd and Use the Power of Metaphors." Until then...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin,
MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar
speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst"
known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both
government agencies and major corporations. A former psychotherapist,
“The Doc” is a training and Stress Resilience Consultant for The Hays Companies, an international corporate
insurance and wellness brokerage group.
He has also led “Resilience, Team Building and Humor” programs for
various branches of the Armed Services. Mark, a former Stress and
Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service and is a recognized
Critical Incident/Trauma Debriefing expert.
The Stress Doc is the author of Resiliency
Rap, Practice Safe Stress, and of The Four Faces of Anger.
See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – called a "workplace resource" by
National Public Radio (NPR). For more
info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his
free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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