The phrase “letting go” has long been a vital part of my stress management overview, especially related to breaking the “erosive spiral” of that all-consuming “b”-word. (When it comes to stress, actually, a number of emotionally charged “b” words jump to mind, for example, “botox,” or when you have a BMW colleague, which I recently learned stands for an individual constantly “Bitching, Moaning and Whining.”) Now, of course, I’m talking about burnout. As noted in “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go” – because you’ve invested so much time and money, energy and ego in that one right person, position or possible outcome – so that you cannot or will not step back and consider new perspectives, resources or options…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair.
I’ve come to appreciate three key arenas – psychological-interpersonal-motivational –in which “letting go” is critical for rebirth, resolution and resilient risk-taking, i.e., for generating new direction, a more daring focus and a revitalized determination, both for yourself and for others. And appropriately enough, the first two arenas of “letting go” stimulate your “Inner GPS,” providing a map and tools for "Engaging with ‘Grief’ and ‘Power Struggles'."
1. Letting Go as the Key to Freeing Up Grief. Consider my Mobius Strip mantra: “One must begin to separate; one must be separate to begin.” In paradoxical, yin-yang fashion, every beginning or separation contains its own seed of endings or returns; every ending or return has a beginning and separation seed lying dormant. Any transition, whether stirring rage or resignation, rejoicing or relief is a dynamic, ongoing mix and flux of endings-wanderings-settlings-separations and potentially-eventually new beginnings and returns. And in turn, every new beginning eventually comes to an end, once again providing both a fresh or unexplored landscape and mindscape of “danger and opportunity.” Having the courage and support to face the acute emotions of this ever twisting and turning transition –such as fear and anger, helplessness and hopelessness, panic and paralysis, and/or mania and melancholy – makes it more difficult to deny the swirling, shifting currents, makes it harder to merely tread water. Letting go and grappling with grief enables you to embrace and retrace, if not gradually replace, the past with new or reenergized purpose and passion. As I once wrote:
Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
And what helps ignite the mystical or, at least, the mythical?
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.
And if you can risk confronting that roaring river of pain – an often confusing rush and reliving of past and present emotions and memories – and over time can survive the occasional eerie stillness, the oftentimes tumultuous white water passage of grief, then you may arrive at a place more light than dark, a new transitional harbor offering some hard-earned healing and wisdom along with newfound maturity and opportunity.
According to Nobel Prize-winning author, Albert Camus, Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain.
Helping people engage with the emotional vulnerabilities, uncertainties and pain inherent in loss and major transition, that is, grappling with the psychological ramifications not merely with the changing physical realities – managing a new operating system, relocating an office, merging departments or divisions, etc. – is the foundational first step in the journey of evolution.
As renowned, 20th c. medical pioneer, Jonas Salk, declared: Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous one more time than you are fearful; being trusting just one more time than you are anxious.
2. Letting Go as the Key to Defusing Power Struggles. In the heat of interpersonal battle, why is it so hard to let go? In addition to the fact that we’ve been engaged in such struggles most of our life (certainly toilet training was an early testing ground), power struggles definitely can set off some emotional “hot buttons.” Here are key psycho-social-cultural dynamics that impede stepping back and attempting to reengage more effectively – "The Five ‘C’s of Power Struggles”:
a. Control – who has control, who is in charge?; this relates to the authority-status-power dimension, whether in the workplace, e.g., supervisor-subordinate relation, or the parent-child family dynamic; however, sometimes control needs are driven less by role considerations and more by aggressive messages and actions; consider my take on the covert motivation of the dysfunctional “strong silent type”: “For me to be strong you must be silent!”
b. Competition – another family dynamic – sibling rivalry – or competition; who is the favorite who is better?; it’s easy for these issues to get acted out in the workplace as well
c. Change – times of change raise levels of uncertainty and anxiety; not surprisingly, at these times, many people have a greater need to be in control of their environment, including other people
d. Cultural Diversity – surely, different perspectives, values, customs, expectations, etc., forged by cultural upbringing and experience can contribute to misunderstanding and standoffs
e. Communication Skills – do the parties have the communicational competence to negotiate conflict and find “the pass in the impasse”?
Understanding the emotionally charged nature of these dimensions may allow for a cooling off period, at least for the person who can “let go.”
When the Other Party Won’t “Let Go”
My metaphor for letting go in an interpersonal context is “dropping the rope,” that is, acknowledging to the other party that the tug of war or words is not working for you. Dropping the rope is not a sign of resignation or intimidation. When declared up front, “letting go” opens another problem-solving pathway. Of course, real life is not always so rational; actually, it’s often more psycho-logical! As a recent workshop participant painfully declared, “What if the other person – a colleague at work – won’t let go of the argument; tries to call you out for wanting to cease and desist even after a reasonable attempt at problem-solving?” It was clear the workshop attendee’s blood pressure was rising even as she spoke. My response was brief and to the point. “Let the individual know that you are taking a time out from this back and forth (to this point unproductive, from your perspective). You are neither afraid of him nor are you giving up; in fact, you will get back to him the next day. However, if the two of you cannot resolve your differences, you are not going to continue this head banging. You will call in a third party; you are not going behind anyone’s back. But you will insist there be some form of mediation.” Her energetic “thank you” told me “message sent was message received.”
So letting go doesn’t mean losing or giving up; it involves stepping back, presenting new perspectives and approaches, while reaffirming interpersonal boundaries as well as your personal integrity. And in a letting go process, at a particular juncture, you may have to accept that meaningful resolution may be out of your individual control. And you can live with this!
From GPS (Grief and Power Struggles) to Intimate FOE and Inspiring Flow
We’ve examined letting go both from a poignantly psychological perspective and from a power struggling and defusing one. Now let’s consider letting go from the vantage point of self-acceptance and meaningfully touching and moving others. My “four word” small group exercise hopefully will prove illustrative. It’s pretty basic: “Share an embarrassing moment.” And the room invariably goes through a metamorphosis – from somewhat anxious silence to uproarious verbal outpourings and animated nonverbal gesturing and posturing. One story cascades over another: “That was good; now let me tell you about my experience!”
3. Letting Go as the Key to Inspiring Flow. I especially like using this exercise with folks in leadership positions. Why is that? The exercise helps remove the “having it all together” or “always being in control” mask. One may have to risk revealing a vulnerable aspect of self. Yet, lo and behold, not only don’t people think less of you…hearing your story evokes knowing laughter, a genuine empathy (“not only have I walked in similar shoes, I can feel your bunions”), and even some admiration for your courage to share. I call this “Confronting Your Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.” And as previously noted, the storyteller becomes a risk-taking role model; one vignette inspires another, invariably becoming more animate and passionate with each telling.
Making Room for Cultural Diversity, Mutual Humanity and Authenticity
Such unguarded sharing also reminds us that some experiences, like embarrassment, are universal and helps underscore our mutual humanity no matter how diverse our cultural backgrounds. Perhaps most important, for a precious moment in time, it breaks down artificial rank and status barriers between people, allowing for more personal and intimate connection. (For example, when the military wants a free flowing team exchange, despite the presence of “superior” rank in the room, they may hold a “Helmet’s Off” meeting. In fact, I have done facilitation work with army and air force units; my interactive exercises help them to better “walk their team and trust building talk.”) Remember, in a healthy social environment, not one simply manipulated by Big Brother media, machinations or mayhem, most people place their hopes and trust in authentic individuals whom they come to know through real give and take relationships. People identify with an imperfect yet accessible and courageous leader more than an unfeeling iconic statue.
A Closing Leadership Mantra and Message, Method and Model
Here’s a final leadership mantra: Learn to “Let Go”: Turn Your Intimate FOE into Inspiring Flow! People want to connect with real and risk-taking leaders. They too want to laugh at their flaws and foibles, to painfully learn from yet also playfully laugh in the face of failure…to finally let go of that incessant critical voice. Many want to taste and touch this potent, idiosyncratic and liberating energy and spirit. For when you bring both head and heart, when you simultaneously project a purposeful and provocative, passionate and playful message and presence, you become a magnet; people are drawn to your energy and essence. (Consider my expansion of a saying passed on by a battle-tested salesman: “Logic Tells and Passion Sells. And ‘Passion Power’ Compels.”) Yet, ironically, if your motivation is unselfish, you will help others become less afraid of speaking up, if not of breaking out and breaking away. Remember, from its biblical origins, spirit is “the breath and flow of life,” hence spirit’s connection with “respiration” and “inspiration.” So if you are determined to:
a) rebuild your purposeful and passionate, newfound possibilities fire,
b) not be distracted or constrained by draining and unproductive power struggles, and
c) embrace and share your imperfect humanity while breathing life and energy into others…try the Stress Doc’s CPR method – be a model for “Creative-Passionate-Risk-Taking” (CPR) Leadership…Grieve, Let Go and Become the Flow.
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Defying Cultural Patterns and Predictions Engaging Stress and Crisis: 3 “R”s for Discovering Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking Essence
When you get a thank you card at the end of a program signed by participants during the event either it’s a less than captivating workshop or the group was really motivated to give you feedback. Fortunately, it was the latter and the words inscribed were very positive and poignant – people felt “enlightened,” “inspired” and “the word stress will mean (some) thing different after your seminar.” Sponsored by Federal Asian Pacific American Council (FAPAC), the “Brown Bag” program was, “The Challenge of Natural and Man-Made Disasters: Growing through Crisis and Building Bridges & Networks.” While the turnout was small (ten folks) and richly diverse (a variety of Asian nationalities and two African-Americans, more men than women, most over forty or fifty years of age, and many in management/leadership positions at different federal and DC agencies), we had a truly open and insightful, lively and heartfelt exchange. The focus was less about the tragedy in Japan and more about the challenge closer to home – working for the Federal or DC Govt. (whose funding is tied to the feds), especially in the time of budget cuts and freezes and looming program contraction. (I suspect the small turnout reflected how many government employees are feeling anxious or “out of control” about their uncertain environment; meetings are being called suddenly; people are bunkering down.)
I believe the group was somewhat surprised by the level of intimate sharing, as this is not standard procedure at their meetings. In fact, before the program, one of the program coordinators reminded me that this is a group that culturally does not typically open up about their emotions; FAPAC members tend to be analytical and either hold their feelings tight to the vest (especially in a work setting) or get straight to the point. They are not into the “soft” stuff, regardless of sex. At one point the group laughed at my acknowledging that in FAPAC there are not only Rambos; probably as many Rambettes.
Defying Cultural Expectations: Four Key Steps
However, I have spoken at FAPAC and ASPIRE (Asian professionals at the IRS) conferences before and have always been able to generate stimulating interaction, considerable laughter and meaningful sharing among groups of fifty or more.
So what helped us once again defy the so-called “cultural” tendency regarding openness, and in only fifty minutes? I believe the key was a four step process:
1) Acknowledging cultural coping patterns
2) Pondering why Stress Doc programs with primarily Asian audiences have been so well received
3) Exploring the Chinese iconographic concept of “crisis” – “danger and opportunity”
4) Using a risk-taking questionnaire for self-evaluation, small group consultation and large group discussion along with supportive and informative feedback.
Let’s separately examine these “Four Mind- and Heart-Opening, 3 “R” – Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking – Tools of Engagement”:
1. Acknowledging Cultural Coping Patterns. When it comes to dealing with stress and crisis, all cultural groups have both strengths and vulnerabilities. However, I told the group I wanted to focus on a “Western” coping pattern; actually an iconic symbol of the vanishing “Old West” – the cowboy or the traditional “Marlboro Man” – affixed on his horse, all alone, staring out on an expansive horizon. I then quickly shifted to the obvious: in a time of unprecedented interactivity and interconnectivity we cannot afford to be the isolated Lone Ranger or Rangerette. Also, I reminded the group: “Strong silent types get a lot more ulcers than they do Oscars!”
And, of course, this is doubly true in a crisis. Research shows that in times of high uncertainty, stress and “No Exit” challenges, a key to resiliency is connecting and sharing with like-situated others, that is, people who not only can walk in our shoes but also feel our bunions! Misery doesn’t just like company. In fact, research shows it especially likes miserable company. In tough times, almost nothing beats or better helps rejuvenate than sharing an understanding laugh. Finally, when habitual ways of coping are insufficient to the personal-professional-familial challenge at hand, it’s critical to engage with friends, colleagues and/or advisors who can provide new problem-solving ideas and resources, and also help you realize you don’t have to struggle alone.
2. Elaborating Past Program Success. I posited that my programs have been well-received by Asian-Pacific American audiences because we gradually create a safe atmosphere for risking sharing emotions and imperfections, being able to laugh at one’s own (and others’) flaws and foibles, while giving people permission to be a bit “out-rage-ous.” Various conference program exercises, in particular a 3-“D” Team Exercise – Discussion, Drawing & Diversity – enables participants to playfully and pointedly yet respectfully question as well as poke fun at dis-organizational authority and bureaucratic absurdity. And in several post-3-D feedback segments, attendees have emphasized the perfectionist or critical family voice still being carried around. The younger Asian-Pacific American professionals more eagerly jump in to the interactive exercise; the more senior participants seem to experience a greater sense of relief and gratitude for the opportunity to open briefly their personal-cultural “Pandora’s Box.”
3. Exploring the Double-Edged, Chinese Concept of “Crisis.” Back in the 1980s, teaching “Crisis Intervention,” I would share with Tulane University Social Work graduate students how the Chinese wisely depict “crisis” with two iconographic symbols – “danger” and “opportunity.” Back to the present, the FAPAC group brainstormed some of the perceived dangers of crisis – from profound uncertainty and anxiety to loss of control and feeling overwhelmed. In response to a participant’s observation, I quoted psychiatrist Jerome Frank’s definition of “hopelessness”: an inability to imagine a tolerable future. While not quite as easy to identify, we eventually captured the “half full” component of crisis: You are compelled to think outside your box. Breaking away from habitual coping patterns and exploring new problem solving strategies generates unexpected options, resources and alliances. And, with help, if you can fight through the initial crisis-induced fog, confusion, depression, panic or paralysis then the crisis state – by definition a time-limited challenge – will fairly quickly, usually within one day to six weeks, fuel heightened determination and focus, along with an unforeseen capacity for dealing with risk.
And crisis also fuels another driving force: As I asked the group, "What's the first thought that comes to mind when you hear the word 'Passion'?" Here's a hint: it's the "s"-word, but neither the three letter (sex) or four letter (silk or soap opera) variety. Actually, if you have a good dictionary the "s'-word for passion is suffering, as in the Passion Play – the sufferings of Jesus, or more generically, the sufferings of a martyr. I recall a workshop participant's mind-opening response to the word "passion": Rosa Parks. Perfect! Crisis, Passion & Risk (talk about some stimulating CPR) can compel one who is truly prepared to take a stand (for Ms. Parks, fittingly enough, by remaining seated), to courageously assert integrity no matter the hostility of the environment.
The Yin-Yang Potential of Painful Memory
There’s another dynamic that captures both sides of the crisis spectrum: the intensity of a crisis state generates cracks in your psychic-emotional defenses. Painful memories and feelings begin to seep or sometimes flood into consciousness. Not only are you dealing with a scary outer world, but your turbulent inner psyche is adding to the boiling and buzzing confusion. The oft asked question: “Am I going crazy?” Likely not; you are experiencing a natural crisis byproduct. And there are two potential benefits:
a) facing and embracing these resurrected emotions helps you grieve and reexamine the pain from the past; you no longer need to employ as much energy keeping these charged, frightening or upsetting emotions at bay. The tears of grief help cleanse old wounds. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like Spring upon Winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal, and
b) in kindred fashion, acclaimed 20th c. British author, John Fowles noted, emotional memories are his “electric current.” He needs to be plugged into this power source for creative juices to maximally flow. So potentially, in crisis not only are you thinking out of box but you’ve also courageously opened your Pandora’s Box. Many forget that the last so-called demon to escape from the mythological box was in fact “hope.” So in the spirit of Yin-Yang holism, embracing potent memories unleashed by crisis frees up latent energy, hope and creativity…pretty powerful crisis opportunities and legacies.
4. Using a Risk-Taking Questionnaire for Self-Evaluation and Group Consultation. The FAPAC group was ready to put our ideas and insights to work. The evaluation-collaboration-feedback tool was the risk-taking quiz below. First, the participants were divided into small groups of three or four. (Starting small helps foster participation and openness.) After answering the questions individually, each person selected two questions reflecting areas of risk-taking strength (strong “Yes”) and two areas of vulnerability (strong “No”). Participants then shared their results, engaging in give-and-take problem solving with “strong Yes” group members helping strengthen a colleague’s identified areas of vulnerability. In closing, as each team reported back to the larger group, one critical thread emerged: not being paralyzed by failure or the fear thereof, that is, accepting, even encouraging, failure, as a vital learning component of an effective crisis management and creative risk-taking process. Despite the recognition that each person in the room was a success story, many acknowledged the underlying shame triggered by project failure or simply a dread of that lurking “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.”
Two failure-busing strategies were proposed:
a) try to redefine failure as less personal judgment and more transitional space between aspiration and current position; a transformational key is recognizing that old critical ghosts still walk the dark halls of your psyche and realizing that these outdated critical-cultural voices need not overrule your own expectations, time frames and standards for success; the understanding gained from trial and error helps close the gap; remember the mantra for turning FOE into friend: when it comes to failure, we are learners not losers!
b) and a second mantra: Strive high and embrace failure: set goals high, give it your best, and accept that you will often fall somewhat short; failure is simply a natural part of your modus operandi; again, falling short and lessons long remembered are the perennial stepping stones for rising and reaching anew.
The Risk-Taking Self-Assessment Quiz
[adapted from Stacy Hunt and Mark Gorkin, “Risky Business: Learn to Climb Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Legal Assistant Today, June 2006]
To evaluate how much of a social-cognitive and performance-problem solving risk taker you are, answer the following questions. Be honest with yourself! There are no right or wrong answers. Try to answer “Yes” or “No”; for some questions you may decide both answers apply, depending on the situation or context. If so, consider assigning a percentage, e.g., 70% Y and 30% N. This quiz provides the opportunity to explore your personal feelings and beliefs and gain some insight into areas of strength and vulnerability when in or out of a social, emotional and learning comfort zone.
1. Do you associate failure more with learning opportunity instead of with feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy or being a “loser?”
2. Do you tend to consider things from different (even conflicting) sides and see shades of gray rather than as all or none, black or white?
3. Can you usually work effectively on a problem and reach closure despite feeling anxious or knowing your end-product may be less than perfect?
4. In general, are you relatively comfortable with uncertainty or ambiguity?
5. Can you question or disagree with authority or convention, privately as well as in a public setting?
6. When you are wrong, can you publicly acknowledge an error or mistake, even laugh at your flaws and foibles, instead of attempting to cover them up?
7. Under time or performance pressure do you tend to become more productively focused rather than scattered, inert or impulsive?
8. Are you a self-motivator rather than needing to be motivated by other people, structured goals/rewards, etc?
9. During times of meaningful change, do you feel positively excited and curious rather than feeling anxiously out of control?
10. In general, do you like to explore new paths or procedures instead of following well-practiced or trusted paths or procedures?
11. Are you able to often see or redefine a problem as an opportunity; do you tend to make lemonade from lemons?
12. When it comes to problem-solving do you tend to balance analysis and logic with emotion and intuition?
13. Can you make decisions in a timely manner (or without excessive delay) even when being wrong or making a mistake is a possibility?
If you answered, “yes” to a majority of the above questions, you tend to feel comfortable with uncertainty, performance anxiety, change, i.e., taking risk. If you answered “no,” to half or more of the questions, or have two or three big “NO”s, it is likely time to start developing risk-taking characteristics and time for exploring a larger world.
Closing
A four step process has been outlined for turning a “lunch & learn” into a culturally diverse laboratory for cultivating self-responsibility, resiliency and risk-taking (the 3 “R”s; also the title of my new leadership program) during times of stress and crisis. Even with a self-described “analytical, close to the vest” cultural group, in rather short order, a climate can be nurtured that encourages open and intimate sharing, emotional reflection and supportive group engagement. The four keys:
1) Acknowledging cultural coping patterns
2) Pondering why Stress Doc programs with primarily Asian audiences have been so well received
3) Exploring the Chinese iconographic concept of “crisis” – “danger and opportunity”
4) Using a risk-taking questionnaire for self-evaluation, small group consultation and large group discussion along with supportive and informative feedback. Surely here are ideas and steps to help one and all develop those 3 “R”s and to…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
I believe the group was somewhat surprised by the level of intimate sharing, as this is not standard procedure at their meetings. In fact, before the program, one of the program coordinators reminded me that this is a group that culturally does not typically open up about their emotions; FAPAC members tend to be analytical and either hold their feelings tight to the vest (especially in a work setting) or get straight to the point. They are not into the “soft” stuff, regardless of sex. At one point the group laughed at my acknowledging that in FAPAC there are not only Rambos; probably as many Rambettes.
Defying Cultural Expectations: Four Key Steps
However, I have spoken at FAPAC and ASPIRE (Asian professionals at the IRS) conferences before and have always been able to generate stimulating interaction, considerable laughter and meaningful sharing among groups of fifty or more.
So what helped us once again defy the so-called “cultural” tendency regarding openness, and in only fifty minutes? I believe the key was a four step process:
1) Acknowledging cultural coping patterns
2) Pondering why Stress Doc programs with primarily Asian audiences have been so well received
3) Exploring the Chinese iconographic concept of “crisis” – “danger and opportunity”
4) Using a risk-taking questionnaire for self-evaluation, small group consultation and large group discussion along with supportive and informative feedback.
Let’s separately examine these “Four Mind- and Heart-Opening, 3 “R” – Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking – Tools of Engagement”:
1. Acknowledging Cultural Coping Patterns. When it comes to dealing with stress and crisis, all cultural groups have both strengths and vulnerabilities. However, I told the group I wanted to focus on a “Western” coping pattern; actually an iconic symbol of the vanishing “Old West” – the cowboy or the traditional “Marlboro Man” – affixed on his horse, all alone, staring out on an expansive horizon. I then quickly shifted to the obvious: in a time of unprecedented interactivity and interconnectivity we cannot afford to be the isolated Lone Ranger or Rangerette. Also, I reminded the group: “Strong silent types get a lot more ulcers than they do Oscars!”
And, of course, this is doubly true in a crisis. Research shows that in times of high uncertainty, stress and “No Exit” challenges, a key to resiliency is connecting and sharing with like-situated others, that is, people who not only can walk in our shoes but also feel our bunions! Misery doesn’t just like company. In fact, research shows it especially likes miserable company. In tough times, almost nothing beats or better helps rejuvenate than sharing an understanding laugh. Finally, when habitual ways of coping are insufficient to the personal-professional-familial challenge at hand, it’s critical to engage with friends, colleagues and/or advisors who can provide new problem-solving ideas and resources, and also help you realize you don’t have to struggle alone.
2. Elaborating Past Program Success. I posited that my programs have been well-received by Asian-Pacific American audiences because we gradually create a safe atmosphere for risking sharing emotions and imperfections, being able to laugh at one’s own (and others’) flaws and foibles, while giving people permission to be a bit “out-rage-ous.” Various conference program exercises, in particular a 3-“D” Team Exercise – Discussion, Drawing & Diversity – enables participants to playfully and pointedly yet respectfully question as well as poke fun at dis-organizational authority and bureaucratic absurdity. And in several post-3-D feedback segments, attendees have emphasized the perfectionist or critical family voice still being carried around. The younger Asian-Pacific American professionals more eagerly jump in to the interactive exercise; the more senior participants seem to experience a greater sense of relief and gratitude for the opportunity to open briefly their personal-cultural “Pandora’s Box.”
3. Exploring the Double-Edged, Chinese Concept of “Crisis.” Back in the 1980s, teaching “Crisis Intervention,” I would share with Tulane University Social Work graduate students how the Chinese wisely depict “crisis” with two iconographic symbols – “danger” and “opportunity.” Back to the present, the FAPAC group brainstormed some of the perceived dangers of crisis – from profound uncertainty and anxiety to loss of control and feeling overwhelmed. In response to a participant’s observation, I quoted psychiatrist Jerome Frank’s definition of “hopelessness”: an inability to imagine a tolerable future. While not quite as easy to identify, we eventually captured the “half full” component of crisis: You are compelled to think outside your box. Breaking away from habitual coping patterns and exploring new problem solving strategies generates unexpected options, resources and alliances. And, with help, if you can fight through the initial crisis-induced fog, confusion, depression, panic or paralysis then the crisis state – by definition a time-limited challenge – will fairly quickly, usually within one day to six weeks, fuel heightened determination and focus, along with an unforeseen capacity for dealing with risk.
And crisis also fuels another driving force: As I asked the group, "What's the first thought that comes to mind when you hear the word 'Passion'?" Here's a hint: it's the "s"-word, but neither the three letter (sex) or four letter (silk or soap opera) variety. Actually, if you have a good dictionary the "s'-word for passion is suffering, as in the Passion Play – the sufferings of Jesus, or more generically, the sufferings of a martyr. I recall a workshop participant's mind-opening response to the word "passion": Rosa Parks. Perfect! Crisis, Passion & Risk (talk about some stimulating CPR) can compel one who is truly prepared to take a stand (for Ms. Parks, fittingly enough, by remaining seated), to courageously assert integrity no matter the hostility of the environment.
The Yin-Yang Potential of Painful Memory
There’s another dynamic that captures both sides of the crisis spectrum: the intensity of a crisis state generates cracks in your psychic-emotional defenses. Painful memories and feelings begin to seep or sometimes flood into consciousness. Not only are you dealing with a scary outer world, but your turbulent inner psyche is adding to the boiling and buzzing confusion. The oft asked question: “Am I going crazy?” Likely not; you are experiencing a natural crisis byproduct. And there are two potential benefits:
a) facing and embracing these resurrected emotions helps you grieve and reexamine the pain from the past; you no longer need to employ as much energy keeping these charged, frightening or upsetting emotions at bay. The tears of grief help cleanse old wounds. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like Spring upon Winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal, and
b) in kindred fashion, acclaimed 20th c. British author, John Fowles noted, emotional memories are his “electric current.” He needs to be plugged into this power source for creative juices to maximally flow. So potentially, in crisis not only are you thinking out of box but you’ve also courageously opened your Pandora’s Box. Many forget that the last so-called demon to escape from the mythological box was in fact “hope.” So in the spirit of Yin-Yang holism, embracing potent memories unleashed by crisis frees up latent energy, hope and creativity…pretty powerful crisis opportunities and legacies.
4. Using a Risk-Taking Questionnaire for Self-Evaluation and Group Consultation. The FAPAC group was ready to put our ideas and insights to work. The evaluation-collaboration-feedback tool was the risk-taking quiz below. First, the participants were divided into small groups of three or four. (Starting small helps foster participation and openness.) After answering the questions individually, each person selected two questions reflecting areas of risk-taking strength (strong “Yes”) and two areas of vulnerability (strong “No”). Participants then shared their results, engaging in give-and-take problem solving with “strong Yes” group members helping strengthen a colleague’s identified areas of vulnerability. In closing, as each team reported back to the larger group, one critical thread emerged: not being paralyzed by failure or the fear thereof, that is, accepting, even encouraging, failure, as a vital learning component of an effective crisis management and creative risk-taking process. Despite the recognition that each person in the room was a success story, many acknowledged the underlying shame triggered by project failure or simply a dread of that lurking “Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure.”
Two failure-busing strategies were proposed:
a) try to redefine failure as less personal judgment and more transitional space between aspiration and current position; a transformational key is recognizing that old critical ghosts still walk the dark halls of your psyche and realizing that these outdated critical-cultural voices need not overrule your own expectations, time frames and standards for success; the understanding gained from trial and error helps close the gap; remember the mantra for turning FOE into friend: when it comes to failure, we are learners not losers!
b) and a second mantra: Strive high and embrace failure: set goals high, give it your best, and accept that you will often fall somewhat short; failure is simply a natural part of your modus operandi; again, falling short and lessons long remembered are the perennial stepping stones for rising and reaching anew.
The Risk-Taking Self-Assessment Quiz
[adapted from Stacy Hunt and Mark Gorkin, “Risky Business: Learn to Climb Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Legal Assistant Today, June 2006]
To evaluate how much of a social-cognitive and performance-problem solving risk taker you are, answer the following questions. Be honest with yourself! There are no right or wrong answers. Try to answer “Yes” or “No”; for some questions you may decide both answers apply, depending on the situation or context. If so, consider assigning a percentage, e.g., 70% Y and 30% N. This quiz provides the opportunity to explore your personal feelings and beliefs and gain some insight into areas of strength and vulnerability when in or out of a social, emotional and learning comfort zone.
1. Do you associate failure more with learning opportunity instead of with feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy or being a “loser?”
2. Do you tend to consider things from different (even conflicting) sides and see shades of gray rather than as all or none, black or white?
3. Can you usually work effectively on a problem and reach closure despite feeling anxious or knowing your end-product may be less than perfect?
4. In general, are you relatively comfortable with uncertainty or ambiguity?
5. Can you question or disagree with authority or convention, privately as well as in a public setting?
6. When you are wrong, can you publicly acknowledge an error or mistake, even laugh at your flaws and foibles, instead of attempting to cover them up?
7. Under time or performance pressure do you tend to become more productively focused rather than scattered, inert or impulsive?
8. Are you a self-motivator rather than needing to be motivated by other people, structured goals/rewards, etc?
9. During times of meaningful change, do you feel positively excited and curious rather than feeling anxiously out of control?
10. In general, do you like to explore new paths or procedures instead of following well-practiced or trusted paths or procedures?
11. Are you able to often see or redefine a problem as an opportunity; do you tend to make lemonade from lemons?
12. When it comes to problem-solving do you tend to balance analysis and logic with emotion and intuition?
13. Can you make decisions in a timely manner (or without excessive delay) even when being wrong or making a mistake is a possibility?
If you answered, “yes” to a majority of the above questions, you tend to feel comfortable with uncertainty, performance anxiety, change, i.e., taking risk. If you answered “no,” to half or more of the questions, or have two or three big “NO”s, it is likely time to start developing risk-taking characteristics and time for exploring a larger world.
Closing
A four step process has been outlined for turning a “lunch & learn” into a culturally diverse laboratory for cultivating self-responsibility, resiliency and risk-taking (the 3 “R”s; also the title of my new leadership program) during times of stress and crisis. Even with a self-described “analytical, close to the vest” cultural group, in rather short order, a climate can be nurtured that encourages open and intimate sharing, emotional reflection and supportive group engagement. The four keys:
1) Acknowledging cultural coping patterns
2) Pondering why Stress Doc programs with primarily Asian audiences have been so well received
3) Exploring the Chinese iconographic concept of “crisis” – “danger and opportunity”
4) Using a risk-taking questionnaire for self-evaluation, small group consultation and large group discussion along with supportive and informative feedback. Surely here are ideas and steps to help one and all develop those 3 “R”s and to…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
3 "R" Leadership and Starting a “Gentoring” ™Program: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons"
[If you do not wish to receive my free mailing, please email stressdoc@aol.com.]
Hi,
Agenda:
1) Recent workshops and feedback
2) Upcoming Leadership Program
3) Gentoring essay on Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons”
4) What do you think?: Will be the keynote speaker for an Indiana Chamber of Conference Wellness Conference in Sep. The theme is "Stress" and they asked me for a clever tagline: Here's my best effort:
"Transforming Stress: Turning 'Fight or Flight' into 'Friend and (Creative) Flow'"
Want to try coming up with a theme? I will forward the entry with your name and email address.
---------------
1) Some recent programs and feedback
College and University Public Relations Association of Pennsylvania (CUPRAP) -- Annual Conference [Practice Safe Stress and Team Building Program]
Mar 24, 2011
Thanks Mark! I really enjoyed your session. We will keep you in mind for our next retreat here at Juniata College, although the date for that has not yet been named.
G
Marketing and Development
(Reference info upon request)
-----------------------------------
International Public Management Association for Human Resources-- Virginia Chapter[Half-day program "From Reorganization to Resilience"]
Mar 21, 2011
Hi Mark -- As I move into post conference recovery just a note of thanks for a wonderful presentation. Your work is always fun, engaging and informative. It was a pleasure to have you a part of our conference. I look forward to working with you again here in Chesterfield County.
Cindy
Cindy Taylor, IPMA-HR-CP
Learning Consultant
Chesterfield County
Center for Organizational Excellence
9800 Government Center Parkway, 3rd floor
Chesterfield, VA 23832
( (804) 748-1552
taylorc@chesterfield.gov
-------------------------
2) Heading to Chesterfield, VA next week to do a "leadership" workshop for the April 5th Chesterfield County 2011 Supervisory Leadership Conference. Email for more info. Here's a program blurb:
The Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking Leader: Turning on Your “Passion Power” and Inspiring TLCs – “Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration”
In these economically challenging times, today’s leader must know how to step up – to genuinely connect and inspire. Let Mark Gorkin, aka “The Stress Doc” ™, help you discover your “Passion Power” and “TLC Leadership – Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration” even during challenging times. Through compelling presentation along with fun-filled interactive team exercises, Gorkin provides energizing tools and techniques for building individual resiliency, team camaraderie and achieving high performance motivation and morale in the face of uncertainty. Transform stress and conflict into Leadership TLC.
You will also learn to recognize the signs of stress, channeling stress and frustration into safe sharing, cooperative and creative action, and group bonding. Gorkin will show you how to more effectively give and receive feedback and disarm power struggles while building trust. Discover the Stress Doc’s cutting edge model and method for reducing stress, expanding “passion power” energy, generating motivation, and creating team synergy.
OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
1. Quickly identify change stress/burnout warning signs and learn psychological-interpersonal skills for dealing with loss and change to maximize personal and professional recovery and resilience
2. Learn to defuse power struggles, productively engage conflict while building trust by asking empathic-courageous questions and by strengthening collaborative problem solving skills
3. Discover two pillars of resiliency: “Capacity for Risk-Taking” and “Turning On Your Passion Power” – being “Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful”
4. Engage in “whole brain” groups exercises that transform transition-leadership tension into productive sharing, greater understanding, creative problem solving, team building and bonding, and healing laughter.
---------------------
3) Starting a “Gentoring” ™Program: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons”
In the first two segments of my Gentoring essay, a) the concepts of Gentor ™ and Gentoring ™ were introduced (“Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!”), and b) anticipated barriers or “hot buttons” (“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer “Hot Buttons”) were identified, that is, when a generationally older employee, more techno-lizard than wizard, accepts coaching-gentoring from a younger and more computer-multimedia savvy Gen X or Y colleague.
Gentoring: Why the Time is Ripe
Two contemporary factors heighten the importance of initiating a “Gentoring” program: 1) expanding computer-Internet-multimedia competency is critical in today’s 24/7, rapidly changing technology-driven world, and 2) in a time of organizational budget tightening and of a pervasive “do more with less” operational climate, drawing on and maximizing existing internal company and team resources is “bottom line” and mission critical. And a Gentoring program may well provide some “lagniappe” (a N’Awlins phrase for a little something extra, i.e., a “baker’s dozen”): creating collaborative partnerships to help bridge the generational-digital divide.
So let’s move to the junior members and examine the perceived, potential or actual barriers, the psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities that may arise in a Gentoring Start-up. And in this new role and relationship, we’ll especially want to identify likely “hot buttons” of Gen Xers and, especially, Gen Ys (that is, those born after 1964 and 1980 respectively) when trying to coax and coach an older generation of employees across the dino-digital divide. Here are “Five Gen X and Gen Y Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
1. Family Dynamics. Just as a Traditional or Boomer may relate to a significantly younger colleague, consciously or not, as a son or daughter, or a younger sibling, a member of the digital generation may displace some of their unresolved emotional baggage (hopefully not tonnage) onto their older “Gentee.”
An example was provided in my essay on “Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’”: if a Gen Y makes a mistake she may anticipate (without sufficient objective evidence) an impatient, angry reaction from her male Boomer colleague akin to the abrupt and critical temperament of her father.
Also important to note, this displacement or transference reaction is more likely to be triggered or exaggerated when a person is under intensely acute or chronic levels of stress.
2. Authority-Role-Status Shift. When a person relatively young in age subsumes an authority position he or she will oftentimes experience discomfort; this individual may even feel like an impostor. Or, this person may feel more confident in technical knowledge than in interpersonal skills. When the role involves coaching or “Gentoring” a senior colleague who may well be feeling: a) anxious about computer/communication technology, b) belittled by the age differential and perceived authority-status reversal and/or c) defensive and dismissive of anything meaningful to be gained from a learning process with an inexperienced or “immature” younger colleague. (Remember, that senior colleague may fear for his job security and see the Gentor as a definite threat in this “Brave New Techno-World.”)
”Whew! That Gen Xer or Y has entered the lion’s den. And I can quickly imagine two problematic extremes. The young trainer: a) is intimidated by the role and roar, as well as the defensive or aggressive body language, of the older lion and does not really engage, coax and coach and/or b) covers up feelings of insecurity with an analytical or hard-line, “show them who is boss” and “crack the whip” approach. This process likely yields a head and ego butting outcome, once again confirming the senior’s resistance to computer learning. Of course, another possibility is the idealistic yet naïve trainer who believes her energy and enthusiasm will win over the older colleague, who is reachable despite his or her lion or lizard skin. (Sometimes this happens; more often I’ve observed a disillusioned rescuer.)
3. Thin-Skinned and a Shortened Span. Another challenge for these youthful “Gentors” is the perception that this digital generation, especially the Millennials, are overly sensitive to criticism or overly dependent on the need for approval; they forever want to know “how am I doing?” Some attribute these “immature” qualities to a “friendship” and “collaborative”-based partnership with their parents and other significant adults, including teachers. (Then again, some would call this parent-authority dynamic as “coddling” and “hovering,” demonstrating insufficient boundary setting at the relationship core.)
Is Virtuality Reality?
Of course, related to the need for continuous feedback, if not reassurance, is the fact this digital generation has grown up with instantaneous feedback at the push of a button. And while this provides many advantages regarding multiple and simultaneous data processing it also seems to cultivate some problems such as impatience, low frustration tolerance, and at times a limited ability to concentrate and sustain focus. This multimedia generation has been accused of scanning more than understanding. And naturally a Gentoring relationship will put a thin skin and a short attention span to the test.
Is Reality Virtuality?
However, before moving on, it’s worth noting that the younger generation’s (or at least a large segment’s) ability to interminably play video games seems to put any blanket assumptions about scanning and spanning into question. Deserving further consideration is whether span of attention, information processing and understanding is impacted when the digital-ager is placed in a passive or traditional learning situation compared to one that is interactive and provides some “game control” of the engagement process.
4. Rights and Responsibilities, Structure and Freedom. An oft heard cry is that today’s youth feel entitled to their “rights” without earning or shouldering “responsibilities.” And certainly this younger generation cannot step back into the “Sixties” with all of its trailblazing trials and triumphs along with its escapist excesses and errors. But perhaps the issue is not so black and white. Gen Xers and Ys often do want structure regarding what they are supposed to do and feedback of their progress, with timely rewards, or at least the possibility of “working smarter not harder.” Maybe they are not so independent. Then again, in an age that is so networked and multi-connected, perhaps the goal needs to be more interdependence than being the “Lone Ranger or Rangerette.” Yet within the provided structure, this younger generation often wants the freedom to figure out how they will reach the expected outcome. They want to put their own signature on the project or product.
Of course, this need for feedback and individual expression may generate some pushback from an organization run by workplace norms or from colleagues who’ve adapted to “No news is good news” and who espouse the motivational mantra, There’s no “I” in team.
When “I”s Must “C”: The Necessity for Individual and Interactive Vision
As previously cited, I don’t know if it’s my own ego needs or an appreciation of the complexity of group process-motivation that keeps me from unconditionally embracing the above oft-quoted saying. I’ve amended the motivational mantra, thusly: There May Be No “I” in Team”…but there Are Two “I”s in Winning! And while there are several interpretive possibilities, let’s go with a “letteral” one – the winning “I”s stand for “Interactivity” and “Individuality.” And these “I”s definitely “C”: Highly motivated and morale-driven teams are a dynamic if not paradoxical blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.” So the visionary challenge for today’s workplace, not just for launching a Gentoring program, is getting all generations to buy-in to the need for some idiosyncratic expression and design within an overriding mission-based, interdependent and team-oriented community. And if the digitals and dinos don’t quite speak the same language, how will “we all just get along?”
Can You Have Idiosyncrasy and Inclusion?
Also interesting is that while this younger contingent wants room for individual expression and idiosyncrasy, they also eschew more than previous generations a “win-lose” sense of competition. Their modus operandi seems to value trying and embracing recognition if not rewards for all. And while Millennials especially have been ridiculed for all this “we are the world” fuzziness, their sense of inclusion has also fostered greater multicultural acceptance and understanding than previous generations.
5. Communication across the Generational Divide. On one side of the digital divide is a generation that expects to be heard and wants instant feedback; on the other are folks socialized on the benefits of no news, top down communication and the Chain of Command. And we also have the potential for errors of omission and commission. Regarding the former, what happens when today’s younger generation who often “interpret silence as criticism” interact with more senior, privacy conscious, “no news is good news” colleagues…You think there’s potential for “message sent not being the message received?” Duh!!!
Corrupting the Language vs. Cracking the Code
As for the commission conundrum, are you now required to Tweet, blog, or use a mobile device with apps to do your job? Senior eyes increasingly glaze over as the younger workforce texts requests from the home office using acronyms and abbreviations that would have given even a late 20th century high school English teacher Anaphylactic shock? Conversely, how frustrating is it to be the fresh-out-of-college worker trying to crack the “inside code” of the experienced team members? And all too often being hurtled or beamed across the divide are spear-or laser-like antagonisms, such as, “This is how we've always done it, “Wake up and smell the politics,” “Stop being so resistant,” or "They just don't get it”?
Closing Summary
This essay has outlined “Five Gen X and Gen Y Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
1. Family Dynamics
2. Authority-Role-Status Shift
3. Thin-Skinned and a Shortened Span
4. Rights and Responsibilities, Structure and Freedom
5. Communication across the Generational Divide
Gentoring Dangers and Opportunities
Certainly these are real challenges to a Gentoring, trial and error start-up. But we don’t wish to end on a despairing note; there’s a potential pass in the generational-digital impasse. As this series has documented, when the younger generation ("Internet Native" to quote NY Times blogger, Nick Bilton) helps a computer or social media averse member of an earlier generation ("Internet Immigrant") improve their techno-literacy and comfort-level, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” (Naturally, it’s a play on “mentor.”). And this digital generation likes being consultants. Hopefully, this collaborative relationship will also increase Gen Xers’ and Millennials’ sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. And while senior workers can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning, productive cross-fertilization requires mutual learning and sharing; especially by loosening role-status barriers while building two-way communicational bridges.
Final Preview
So the final segment will illustrate tools and techniques for the younger generation guiding their anxious seniors across the digital divide. But you will also discover emotional and interpersonal skills for helping the more senior generation "Mentor" their younger colleagues in areas such as institutional wisdom, career progress and office politics, as well as workplace values/norms. With a mutual coaching process and some Stress Doc orchestration, Traditionals and Boomers will find it easier to harmonize generationally, to accept digital/social-media skill-building lessons from their juniors and may even better appreciate some of the idiosyncratic Gen X and Gen Y values and ways.
So stay tuned for, “Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership (across the Age-Experience Spectrum).” Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Hi,
Agenda:
1) Recent workshops and feedback
2) Upcoming Leadership Program
3) Gentoring essay on Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons”
4) What do you think?: Will be the keynote speaker for an Indiana Chamber of Conference Wellness Conference in Sep. The theme is "Stress" and they asked me for a clever tagline: Here's my best effort:
"Transforming Stress: Turning 'Fight or Flight' into 'Friend and (Creative) Flow'"
Want to try coming up with a theme? I will forward the entry with your name and email address.
---------------
1) Some recent programs and feedback
College and University Public Relations Association of Pennsylvania (CUPRAP) -- Annual Conference [Practice Safe Stress and Team Building Program]
Mar 24, 2011
Thanks Mark! I really enjoyed your session. We will keep you in mind for our next retreat here at Juniata College, although the date for that has not yet been named.
G
Marketing and Development
(Reference info upon request)
-----------------------------------
International Public Management Association for Human Resources-- Virginia Chapter[Half-day program "From Reorganization to Resilience"]
Mar 21, 2011
Hi Mark -- As I move into post conference recovery just a note of thanks for a wonderful presentation. Your work is always fun, engaging and informative. It was a pleasure to have you a part of our conference. I look forward to working with you again here in Chesterfield County.
Cindy
Cindy Taylor, IPMA-HR-CP
Learning Consultant
Chesterfield County
Center for Organizational Excellence
9800 Government Center Parkway, 3rd floor
Chesterfield, VA 23832
( (804) 748-1552
taylorc@chesterfield.gov
-------------------------
2) Heading to Chesterfield, VA next week to do a "leadership" workshop for the April 5th Chesterfield County 2011 Supervisory Leadership Conference. Email for more info. Here's a program blurb:
The Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking Leader: Turning on Your “Passion Power” and Inspiring TLCs – “Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration”
In these economically challenging times, today’s leader must know how to step up – to genuinely connect and inspire. Let Mark Gorkin, aka “The Stress Doc” ™, help you discover your “Passion Power” and “TLC Leadership – Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration” even during challenging times. Through compelling presentation along with fun-filled interactive team exercises, Gorkin provides energizing tools and techniques for building individual resiliency, team camaraderie and achieving high performance motivation and morale in the face of uncertainty. Transform stress and conflict into Leadership TLC.
You will also learn to recognize the signs of stress, channeling stress and frustration into safe sharing, cooperative and creative action, and group bonding. Gorkin will show you how to more effectively give and receive feedback and disarm power struggles while building trust. Discover the Stress Doc’s cutting edge model and method for reducing stress, expanding “passion power” energy, generating motivation, and creating team synergy.
OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
1. Quickly identify change stress/burnout warning signs and learn psychological-interpersonal skills for dealing with loss and change to maximize personal and professional recovery and resilience
2. Learn to defuse power struggles, productively engage conflict while building trust by asking empathic-courageous questions and by strengthening collaborative problem solving skills
3. Discover two pillars of resiliency: “Capacity for Risk-Taking” and “Turning On Your Passion Power” – being “Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful”
4. Engage in “whole brain” groups exercises that transform transition-leadership tension into productive sharing, greater understanding, creative problem solving, team building and bonding, and healing laughter.
---------------------
3) Starting a “Gentoring” ™Program: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Gen Xers and Millennial “Hot Buttons”
In the first two segments of my Gentoring essay, a) the concepts of Gentor ™ and Gentoring ™ were introduced (“Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!”), and b) anticipated barriers or “hot buttons” (“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer “Hot Buttons”) were identified, that is, when a generationally older employee, more techno-lizard than wizard, accepts coaching-gentoring from a younger and more computer-multimedia savvy Gen X or Y colleague.
Gentoring: Why the Time is Ripe
Two contemporary factors heighten the importance of initiating a “Gentoring” program: 1) expanding computer-Internet-multimedia competency is critical in today’s 24/7, rapidly changing technology-driven world, and 2) in a time of organizational budget tightening and of a pervasive “do more with less” operational climate, drawing on and maximizing existing internal company and team resources is “bottom line” and mission critical. And a Gentoring program may well provide some “lagniappe” (a N’Awlins phrase for a little something extra, i.e., a “baker’s dozen”): creating collaborative partnerships to help bridge the generational-digital divide.
So let’s move to the junior members and examine the perceived, potential or actual barriers, the psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities that may arise in a Gentoring Start-up. And in this new role and relationship, we’ll especially want to identify likely “hot buttons” of Gen Xers and, especially, Gen Ys (that is, those born after 1964 and 1980 respectively) when trying to coax and coach an older generation of employees across the dino-digital divide. Here are “Five Gen X and Gen Y Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
1. Family Dynamics. Just as a Traditional or Boomer may relate to a significantly younger colleague, consciously or not, as a son or daughter, or a younger sibling, a member of the digital generation may displace some of their unresolved emotional baggage (hopefully not tonnage) onto their older “Gentee.”
An example was provided in my essay on “Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’”: if a Gen Y makes a mistake she may anticipate (without sufficient objective evidence) an impatient, angry reaction from her male Boomer colleague akin to the abrupt and critical temperament of her father.
Also important to note, this displacement or transference reaction is more likely to be triggered or exaggerated when a person is under intensely acute or chronic levels of stress.
2. Authority-Role-Status Shift. When a person relatively young in age subsumes an authority position he or she will oftentimes experience discomfort; this individual may even feel like an impostor. Or, this person may feel more confident in technical knowledge than in interpersonal skills. When the role involves coaching or “Gentoring” a senior colleague who may well be feeling: a) anxious about computer/communication technology, b) belittled by the age differential and perceived authority-status reversal and/or c) defensive and dismissive of anything meaningful to be gained from a learning process with an inexperienced or “immature” younger colleague. (Remember, that senior colleague may fear for his job security and see the Gentor as a definite threat in this “Brave New Techno-World.”)
”Whew! That Gen Xer or Y has entered the lion’s den. And I can quickly imagine two problematic extremes. The young trainer: a) is intimidated by the role and roar, as well as the defensive or aggressive body language, of the older lion and does not really engage, coax and coach and/or b) covers up feelings of insecurity with an analytical or hard-line, “show them who is boss” and “crack the whip” approach. This process likely yields a head and ego butting outcome, once again confirming the senior’s resistance to computer learning. Of course, another possibility is the idealistic yet naïve trainer who believes her energy and enthusiasm will win over the older colleague, who is reachable despite his or her lion or lizard skin. (Sometimes this happens; more often I’ve observed a disillusioned rescuer.)
3. Thin-Skinned and a Shortened Span. Another challenge for these youthful “Gentors” is the perception that this digital generation, especially the Millennials, are overly sensitive to criticism or overly dependent on the need for approval; they forever want to know “how am I doing?” Some attribute these “immature” qualities to a “friendship” and “collaborative”-based partnership with their parents and other significant adults, including teachers. (Then again, some would call this parent-authority dynamic as “coddling” and “hovering,” demonstrating insufficient boundary setting at the relationship core.)
Is Virtuality Reality?
Of course, related to the need for continuous feedback, if not reassurance, is the fact this digital generation has grown up with instantaneous feedback at the push of a button. And while this provides many advantages regarding multiple and simultaneous data processing it also seems to cultivate some problems such as impatience, low frustration tolerance, and at times a limited ability to concentrate and sustain focus. This multimedia generation has been accused of scanning more than understanding. And naturally a Gentoring relationship will put a thin skin and a short attention span to the test.
Is Reality Virtuality?
However, before moving on, it’s worth noting that the younger generation’s (or at least a large segment’s) ability to interminably play video games seems to put any blanket assumptions about scanning and spanning into question. Deserving further consideration is whether span of attention, information processing and understanding is impacted when the digital-ager is placed in a passive or traditional learning situation compared to one that is interactive and provides some “game control” of the engagement process.
4. Rights and Responsibilities, Structure and Freedom. An oft heard cry is that today’s youth feel entitled to their “rights” without earning or shouldering “responsibilities.” And certainly this younger generation cannot step back into the “Sixties” with all of its trailblazing trials and triumphs along with its escapist excesses and errors. But perhaps the issue is not so black and white. Gen Xers and Ys often do want structure regarding what they are supposed to do and feedback of their progress, with timely rewards, or at least the possibility of “working smarter not harder.” Maybe they are not so independent. Then again, in an age that is so networked and multi-connected, perhaps the goal needs to be more interdependence than being the “Lone Ranger or Rangerette.” Yet within the provided structure, this younger generation often wants the freedom to figure out how they will reach the expected outcome. They want to put their own signature on the project or product.
Of course, this need for feedback and individual expression may generate some pushback from an organization run by workplace norms or from colleagues who’ve adapted to “No news is good news” and who espouse the motivational mantra, There’s no “I” in team.
When “I”s Must “C”: The Necessity for Individual and Interactive Vision
As previously cited, I don’t know if it’s my own ego needs or an appreciation of the complexity of group process-motivation that keeps me from unconditionally embracing the above oft-quoted saying. I’ve amended the motivational mantra, thusly: There May Be No “I” in Team”…but there Are Two “I”s in Winning! And while there are several interpretive possibilities, let’s go with a “letteral” one – the winning “I”s stand for “Interactivity” and “Individuality.” And these “I”s definitely “C”: Highly motivated and morale-driven teams are a dynamic if not paradoxical blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.” So the visionary challenge for today’s workplace, not just for launching a Gentoring program, is getting all generations to buy-in to the need for some idiosyncratic expression and design within an overriding mission-based, interdependent and team-oriented community. And if the digitals and dinos don’t quite speak the same language, how will “we all just get along?”
Can You Have Idiosyncrasy and Inclusion?
Also interesting is that while this younger contingent wants room for individual expression and idiosyncrasy, they also eschew more than previous generations a “win-lose” sense of competition. Their modus operandi seems to value trying and embracing recognition if not rewards for all. And while Millennials especially have been ridiculed for all this “we are the world” fuzziness, their sense of inclusion has also fostered greater multicultural acceptance and understanding than previous generations.
5. Communication across the Generational Divide. On one side of the digital divide is a generation that expects to be heard and wants instant feedback; on the other are folks socialized on the benefits of no news, top down communication and the Chain of Command. And we also have the potential for errors of omission and commission. Regarding the former, what happens when today’s younger generation who often “interpret silence as criticism” interact with more senior, privacy conscious, “no news is good news” colleagues…You think there’s potential for “message sent not being the message received?” Duh!!!
Corrupting the Language vs. Cracking the Code
As for the commission conundrum, are you now required to Tweet, blog, or use a mobile device with apps to do your job? Senior eyes increasingly glaze over as the younger workforce texts requests from the home office using acronyms and abbreviations that would have given even a late 20th century high school English teacher Anaphylactic shock? Conversely, how frustrating is it to be the fresh-out-of-college worker trying to crack the “inside code” of the experienced team members? And all too often being hurtled or beamed across the divide are spear-or laser-like antagonisms, such as, “This is how we've always done it, “Wake up and smell the politics,” “Stop being so resistant,” or "They just don't get it”?
Closing Summary
This essay has outlined “Five Gen X and Gen Y Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
1. Family Dynamics
2. Authority-Role-Status Shift
3. Thin-Skinned and a Shortened Span
4. Rights and Responsibilities, Structure and Freedom
5. Communication across the Generational Divide
Gentoring Dangers and Opportunities
Certainly these are real challenges to a Gentoring, trial and error start-up. But we don’t wish to end on a despairing note; there’s a potential pass in the generational-digital impasse. As this series has documented, when the younger generation ("Internet Native" to quote NY Times blogger, Nick Bilton) helps a computer or social media averse member of an earlier generation ("Internet Immigrant") improve their techno-literacy and comfort-level, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” (Naturally, it’s a play on “mentor.”). And this digital generation likes being consultants. Hopefully, this collaborative relationship will also increase Gen Xers’ and Millennials’ sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. And while senior workers can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning, productive cross-fertilization requires mutual learning and sharing; especially by loosening role-status barriers while building two-way communicational bridges.
Final Preview
So the final segment will illustrate tools and techniques for the younger generation guiding their anxious seniors across the digital divide. But you will also discover emotional and interpersonal skills for helping the more senior generation "Mentor" their younger colleagues in areas such as institutional wisdom, career progress and office politics, as well as workplace values/norms. With a mutual coaching process and some Stress Doc orchestration, Traditionals and Boomers will find it easier to harmonize generationally, to accept digital/social-media skill-building lessons from their juniors and may even better appreciate some of the idiosyncratic Gen X and Gen Y values and ways.
So stay tuned for, “Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership (across the Age-Experience Spectrum).” Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief: Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times
[If you do not wish to receive my free mailings, email stressdoc@aol.com]
Hi,
Agenda Items:
1) Anomaly or Recovery...or Chronic Stress?
Well it's been a busy week. I don't know if it's an anomaly or a sign of recovery (though I've seen several hopeful signs come and go; then again hype, if not hope, springs eternal); or maybe the prolonged dicey and "lean and MEAN" job market is just tightening the stress knot, but this week alone I've confirmed the following keynote speaking programs and workshops:
> Neace Lukens Insurance Company -- Kentucky Office -- Stress and Team Building
> Indiana Chamber of Commerce-Employee Wellness
> Wisconsin Children's Hospital -- Practicing Organizational Safe Stress
> Stafford, VA County Govt -- spinoff from last week's Intl Public Management Assn Conference
> Intl Paralegal Managers Assn -- Annual 2011 Conference in Boston
Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.
2) A relevant oldie but goodie:
The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief:
Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times
by Mark Gorkin, LICSW
With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser and better supported-connected through genuine grief.
As I once penned:
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
And then a soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career confusion and uncertainty . So here are "Seven Stages of Grief":
1. Shock and Denial or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!
2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.
I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?
3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.
Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes than a judgment upon you.
4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity and esteem) can become louder and more incessant. Self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle.
Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.
5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend rage and sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-destructive behavior than it does to "Going Postal!"
If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen -- if not untie -- the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) doors again.
6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy and/or money in this position or partner…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other?
Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:
Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.
7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, you're energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout and/or depression.) So remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When you are feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When you are feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with kindred spirits.
As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
"The Six 'F's of Loss and Change": Strategic Steps for Growing through Grief
And finally, consider these vital psychosocial tasks that will be engaged productively or not in times of profound change:
1. Shaking or breaking up life's puzzle; letting go of a familiar past -- rules and routines, roles and relationships
2. Confronting and channeling the anxiety of an unpredictable future,
3. Grappling with a loss of identity and integrity, with a loss of self-esteem and pride...with a loss of face,
4. Exploring and generating new resources -- environmental, informational and psychological -- for evolving a new focus,
5. Seeking and being open to feedback, both challenging and affirming, such as a variety of TLC -- "tough loving care" and "tender loving criticism" -- throughout the grief and rejuvenation process, and
6. Trusting in higher power faith, from a belief in a transcendental power to the synergy and confidence instilled by participating in a vital support group or counseling/coaching relationship; also the faith in knowing that if you have engaged these prior five "f'"s, that is, have done your headwork, heart work and homework, you are building the cognitive and emotional muscles necessary for effectively grappling with those transitional tempests..
Grappling with these "Six 'F's" can help you grow from grief and...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,
Agenda Items:
1) Anomaly or Recovery...or Chronic Stress?
Well it's been a busy week. I don't know if it's an anomaly or a sign of recovery (though I've seen several hopeful signs come and go; then again hype, if not hope, springs eternal); or maybe the prolonged dicey and "lean and MEAN" job market is just tightening the stress knot, but this week alone I've confirmed the following keynote speaking programs and workshops:
> Neace Lukens Insurance Company -- Kentucky Office -- Stress and Team Building
> Indiana Chamber of Commerce-Employee Wellness
> Wisconsin Children's Hospital -- Practicing Organizational Safe Stress
> Stafford, VA County Govt -- spinoff from last week's Intl Public Management Assn Conference
> Intl Paralegal Managers Assn -- Annual 2011 Conference in Boston
Email stressdoc@aol.com for more info.
2) A relevant oldie but goodie:
The Stress Doc's Stages of Grief:
Discovering Purpose and Possibility in Trying Times
by Mark Gorkin, LICSW
With all the uncertainty and stress in our economic-job climate (not to mention natural and man-made disasters), most of us can use a refresher on how to grapple with loss and change, how to have the courage to both persist and to let go, how to transform the danger into opportunity...how to grow stronger, wiser and better supported-connected through genuine grief.
As I once penned:
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
And then a soon-to-be author on motivation and dealing with stress from a break-up emailed asking if he could cite the essay below, which especially looks at job loss, career confusion and uncertainty . So here are "Seven Stages of Grief":
1. Shock and Denial or "It Can't Happen Here!" It's no big surprise when given one day's termination notice that an employee may experience a state of shock. There's such total confusion and disbelief that a person often goes numb; the mind-body system has to shut down. Sometimes shock follows the downplaying or denial of bad news. For example, in the early '90s, there was talk of significant restructuring in the US Postal Service. A number of employees took the early attitude: "We're always dealing with change here…No big deal." Alas, these folks didn't count on "Carvin Marvin" Runyon becoming the Postmaster General. Talk about a shocker...Within a year 50,000 employees were restructured out of the service!
2. Fear, Panic and Shame or "Oh God, What Do I Do Now?" Once the shock wears off, you are no longer numb; there are some predictable next steps, such as profound anxiety and vulnerability: how will I survive this loss of income, identity, my daily routine, my social standing, etc.? There's a mounting sense of being out of control, which for many also evokes feelings of shame and inadequacy. And lack of control, not surprisingly, can stir up childhood memories of the same, being or feeling tormented, rejected or humiliated by family, peers, teachers, etc.
I vividly recall the lamentation of a postal supervisor on a management fast-track, quickly derailed by reorganization: "I once had a career path. Then this boulder fell from the sky and crushed it!" Is it only a career path that's been crushed? How about the human psyche and spirit? Has it too been burnt up or burned out?
3. Rage and/or Helplessness or "How Dare They!" or "Oh No, How Could They!" Do you think our once fast-tracked supervisor is feeling abandoned and betrayed? Most likely. Often people in this phase swing between rage and profound sadness. Both states can be induced by deep underlying vulnerability or helplessness. You've been wounded, feel exposed and just want to lash out. Or you turn the rage inward in depression and self-condemnation. Now it's crawling under the covers escapism, or going through the motions of living or, even, straining as hard as you can to reign victorious over your basic unworthiness; to battle a fear of failure and lurking dread of being sucked into that compelling black hole of helplessness.
Consider this: in The Random House Dictionary: The Unabridged Edition, the first six definitions of the word "failure" describe it as an act or an instance. It's not until the seventh and last definition that "failure" takes a personal direction. So losing a job or being confronted with other losses and separations are often more events or individual episodes than a judgment upon you.
4. Guilt and Ambivalence or "Damned If You Do or If You Don't!" The feelings and old voices of guilt (not living up to an important other's expectations or standards) and shame (violating or compromising an internalized core value or essential part of your self-identity, integrity and esteem) can become louder and more incessant. Self-directed rage keeps taunting you for shortcomings, unworthiness, fumbled dreams, etc., and can ultimately drain you. If some energy returns or remains the battle may continue in other arenas. First, the classic approach-avoidance conflict: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't; damned if I stay, damned if I leave." Take the paltry severance or not; leave the faulty marriage or not. And while the uncertainty is terribly frustrating, at least there's a struggle.
Some may turn to a spiritual source for relief or rescue: "Higher Power, just tell me what to do" or "Higher Power, I turn it over to you." And, of course, some in desperation will proclaim newfound or "born again" allegiance if they are only saved. Yet, in the end, with or without your HP, one must get focused and cut the entangling emotional cord.
5. Focused Anger and Letting Go or "Turning a Lemon into Lemonade" and "Freedom's Just Another Word…" This phase truly reveals the complexity and potential creative energy built into the grief process. To reach that powerful, purposeful and passionate state of focused anger one must often blend rage and sadness. Some rage can propel us out of a shocked, paralyzed or ambivalent state. Yet, you must also face your sadness and loss and struggle with uncertainty to temper uncontrollable aggression, to make sadder yet wiser assessments and decisions. Remember, rage unchecked much more often leads to self-destructive behavior than it does to "Going Postal!"
If you've worked hard to integrate the previous stages then the reward is "focused anger": "I really don't like what's happened…but how do I make the best of it?" You're ready to loosen -- if not untie -- the knot of hurt and humiliation. And best of all, you're getting ready to knock on (maybe even knock down) doors again.
6. Exploration and New Identity or "Now You're Ready to 'Just Do It!'" (even if scared). Letting go is often unnerving. It's not just the financial security that's at stake. But losing a job or a vital relationship also profoundly shakes our personal/professional identity. We've invested so much time, ego, energy and/or money in this position or partner…Who am I without the job, without my mate or significant other?
Even with the most dear and painful loss or separation, the words of Albert Camus, Nobel Prize-winning author and philosopher have the crystalline ring of essential truth:
Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.
7. Acceptance or "The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full." While submerging yourself in the stages of grief for a time will feel hellish, there truly is an opportunity for rebirth. Getting out of the black box is a distinct possibility if you can ride on and ride out this acutely emotional learning roller coaster. The grief encounter is definitely more than a learning curve. And there's no absolute or fixed period of time for your movement through the stages. My blood starts percolating when I hear "well-intentioned" family members, colleagues or friends say to the grieved, "Hey, it's been three months (or even six months) already." (On the other hand, if after two or three months, you're energy level continues to drain away, don't suffer in silence. Speak to a health professional wise in the ways of grief, burnout and/or depression.) So remember, there's a real difference between "feeling sorry for yourself" and "feeling your sorrow." When you are feeling sorry for yourself you are mostly blaming others. When you are feeling your sorrow you are demonstrating the courage to face your fears and pain. There are poignant moments in life when we all must take time to embrace our sorrow, both alone and with kindred spirits.
As I once penned, reflecting on more than one soul shaking grief process: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
"The Six 'F's of Loss and Change": Strategic Steps for Growing through Grief
And finally, consider these vital psychosocial tasks that will be engaged productively or not in times of profound change:
1. Shaking or breaking up life's puzzle; letting go of a familiar past -- rules and routines, roles and relationships
2. Confronting and channeling the anxiety of an unpredictable future,
3. Grappling with a loss of identity and integrity, with a loss of self-esteem and pride...with a loss of face,
4. Exploring and generating new resources -- environmental, informational and psychological -- for evolving a new focus,
5. Seeking and being open to feedback, both challenging and affirming, such as a variety of TLC -- "tough loving care" and "tender loving criticism" -- throughout the grief and rejuvenation process, and
6. Trusting in higher power faith, from a belief in a transcendental power to the synergy and confidence instilled by participating in a vital support group or counseling/coaching relationship; also the faith in knowing that if you have engaged these prior five "f'"s, that is, have done your headwork, heart work and homework, you are building the cognitive and emotional muscles necessary for effectively grappling with those transitional tempests..
Grappling with these "Six 'F's" can help you grow from grief and...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership
Starting a Mentoring-Gentoring ™ System: Transforming the Generational-Digital Divide into a Mutual Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership (across the Age-Experience Spectrum)
or
Enabling the Young Mail Clerk to Teach Even the Senior Executive or Partner about the Marketing Magic of Facebook (while helping the clerk learn some Boomer Basics)
Many workforces today face generational challenges. The Traditionals and Baby Boomers and even some Gen Xers have different experiences, especially when it comes to technology and communication. This is leading to increased levels of workplace stress and frustration across the age-knowledge-experience spectrum. Have no fear...the Stress Doc ™ is here!
Call Webster's (or Dictionary.com), a New Concept is Born
In response to a "Bridging Generational Communication" workshop with a major DC Public Utility, the Stress Doc recently invented the concepts of Gentor ™and Gentoring ™. (Email for essay.) When a younger employee ("Internet Native" to quote NY Times blogger, Nick Bilton) helps a computer or social media averse member of an earlier generation ("Internet Immigrant") improve their techno-literacy and comfort-level, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” (Naturally, a play on “mentor.”) And while "Gentoring" may invert authority-status roles and sound original, challenging and hip, it's in the footsteps of a time-honored tradition of role-status socialization, knowledge sharing, identity formation and facilitating a vital rite of passage.
Ready for Yin-Yang Synergy in Your Workplace?
And building on this idea, let the Stress Doc help you "Start a Mentoring-Gentoring System: Transform the Generational-Digital Divide into a Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership across the Age-Experience Spectrum." Productive cross-fertilization requires mutual learning and sharing. Learn to loosen role-status barriers while building two-way communicational bridges. Discover emotional and interpersonal skills for helping the more senior generation "Mentor" their younger colleagues in areas such as institutional wisdom, career progress and office politics, and workplace values/norms. With mutual coaching and Stress Doc orchestration, Traditionals and Boomers will find it easier to accept digital/social-media skill-building lessons from their juniors and may even better appreciate some of the idiosyncratic Gen X and Gen Y values and ways.
There's a new "Team Motivational Mantra": There's No "I" in Team...But there Are Two "I"s in Winning! And these two "I"s definitely "C": blending "Individual Creativity" and "Interactive Community."
Do You Need a “Gentoring Program” in Your Workplace?
What generational-communicational gaps or challenges do you face in your place of business? Are you now required to Tweet, blog, or use a mobile device with apps to do your job? Do your eyes glaze over as the younger workforcre texts you requests from the home office using acronyms and abbreviations that would have given your high school English teacher Anaphylactic shock? And how frustrating is it to be the fresh-out-of-college worker trying to crack the code of the experienced team members. Are you tired of the phrases, “This is how we’ve always done it" or "They just don't get it”?
The younger generation likes being consultants, and hopefully this collaborative relationship will also increase their sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. Senior workers can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning. Sounds like a win-win generational-communicational bridge that will help one and all. If you'd like to Practice Safe Stress and strengthen workplace motivation and morale, the Stress Doc can organize a generation bridge-team building workshop or retreat that will span the generational-digital and team-agency-company divide.
Discover the Stress Doc’s acclaimed interactive and inspiring “playshop” experience:
1) supplement the younger employee’s digital facility with upgraded and FUN psychological, communicational-empathic and interpersonal-interactive tools along with "hands on," real world exercises,
2) reduce anxiety and lower resistance to new learning,
3) help computer or social/multimedia averse members of earlier generations improve their techno-literacy and comfort,
4) reduce generational-cultural power struggles by enabling seniors to vent playfully their frustration with their generational juniors while facilitating Gentoring and Mentoring experiences across the divide.
Finally, remember, people are more open to a serious message that’s gift wrapped with humor…So, "Don't Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur" and build a Gentoring Network to “partner” with the employee who is more techno-lizard than wizard and bridge the "dino-digital divide."
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
or
Enabling the Young Mail Clerk to Teach Even the Senior Executive or Partner about the Marketing Magic of Facebook (while helping the clerk learn some Boomer Basics)
Many workforces today face generational challenges. The Traditionals and Baby Boomers and even some Gen Xers have different experiences, especially when it comes to technology and communication. This is leading to increased levels of workplace stress and frustration across the age-knowledge-experience spectrum. Have no fear...the Stress Doc ™ is here!
Call Webster's (or Dictionary.com), a New Concept is Born
In response to a "Bridging Generational Communication" workshop with a major DC Public Utility, the Stress Doc recently invented the concepts of Gentor ™and Gentoring ™. (Email for essay.) When a younger employee ("Internet Native" to quote NY Times blogger, Nick Bilton) helps a computer or social media averse member of an earlier generation ("Internet Immigrant") improve their techno-literacy and comfort-level, the former is playing the role of “Gentor.” (Naturally, a play on “mentor.”) And while "Gentoring" may invert authority-status roles and sound original, challenging and hip, it's in the footsteps of a time-honored tradition of role-status socialization, knowledge sharing, identity formation and facilitating a vital rite of passage.
Ready for Yin-Yang Synergy in Your Workplace?
And building on this idea, let the Stress Doc help you "Start a Mentoring-Gentoring System: Transform the Generational-Digital Divide into a Knowledge and Skill-Building Partnership across the Age-Experience Spectrum." Productive cross-fertilization requires mutual learning and sharing. Learn to loosen role-status barriers while building two-way communicational bridges. Discover emotional and interpersonal skills for helping the more senior generation "Mentor" their younger colleagues in areas such as institutional wisdom, career progress and office politics, and workplace values/norms. With mutual coaching and Stress Doc orchestration, Traditionals and Boomers will find it easier to accept digital/social-media skill-building lessons from their juniors and may even better appreciate some of the idiosyncratic Gen X and Gen Y values and ways.
There's a new "Team Motivational Mantra": There's No "I" in Team...But there Are Two "I"s in Winning! And these two "I"s definitely "C": blending "Individual Creativity" and "Interactive Community."
Do You Need a “Gentoring Program” in Your Workplace?
What generational-communicational gaps or challenges do you face in your place of business? Are you now required to Tweet, blog, or use a mobile device with apps to do your job? Do your eyes glaze over as the younger workforcre texts you requests from the home office using acronyms and abbreviations that would have given your high school English teacher Anaphylactic shock? And how frustrating is it to be the fresh-out-of-college worker trying to crack the code of the experienced team members. Are you tired of the phrases, “This is how we’ve always done it" or "They just don't get it”?
The younger generation likes being consultants, and hopefully this collaborative relationship will also increase their sense of responsibility and commitment to their colleagues and to the company. Senior workers can give their younger co-workers some of the recognition and affirmation that provides motivational meaning. Sounds like a win-win generational-communicational bridge that will help one and all. If you'd like to Practice Safe Stress and strengthen workplace motivation and morale, the Stress Doc can organize a generation bridge-team building workshop or retreat that will span the generational-digital and team-agency-company divide.
Discover the Stress Doc’s acclaimed interactive and inspiring “playshop” experience:
1) supplement the younger employee’s digital facility with upgraded and FUN psychological, communicational-empathic and interpersonal-interactive tools along with "hands on," real world exercises,
2) reduce anxiety and lower resistance to new learning,
3) help computer or social/multimedia averse members of earlier generations improve their techno-literacy and comfort,
4) reduce generational-cultural power struggles by enabling seniors to vent playfully their frustration with their generational juniors while facilitating Gentoring and Mentoring experiences across the divide.
Finally, remember, people are more open to a serious message that’s gift wrapped with humor…So, "Don't Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur" and build a Gentoring Network to “partner” with the employee who is more techno-lizard than wizard and bridge the "dino-digital divide."
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Monday, March 14, 2011
On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 – Critical Components of "Excellence"
In between working on the Gentoring ™ concept, I'm finishing my essay on ASPIRE-2. Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed Part I which focused on the first six (ASP) "creativity" characteristics --
Aggression & Accessibility
Symbol & Synthesis
Poignant & Playful
Imagery & Irony
Risk-Taking and Rhythm 'n Rhyme
Expressive & Excellence
On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 -– Critical Components of "Excellence"
Excellence. Most of us have a common sense notion of “excellence: the quality or state of being outstanding and superior, to have a particular talent in something.” And its foundation, the word “excel,” means “to do better than all others, than a given standard, or than previous personal achievement.” This segment focuses on select factors that I believe comprise “ongoing learning” excellence, especially continually improving upon a “previous personal achievement. Some factors are self-evident, others might be surprising. Four Critical Components of Excellence:
1. Discovering and Designing Your Talent. According to Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their groundbreaking book, First Break All the Rules: What the World Greatest Managers Do Differently (1999), “talent” is seen as a recurring pattern of thought, feeling or behavior that can be productively applied. It’s not simply God-given. In other words, it’s the love of a certain subject, something your mind-body and head-heart just has to do, or seems to do effortlessly (after hours and hours of practice; see below); it’s the air you breathe. For me, it’s designing ideas and playing with words, especially in a psychological, emotional-communicational and/or creativity context – on the stage or page. Consciously and unconsciously I’m continually soaking this product with “The Four ‘P’s of Passion Power” – being Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful (email stressdoc@aol.com for the “Passion Power” Model) to empathically and excitedly engage, enlighten and empower others. Of course, the engagement process is not unidirectional. You must be willing to take in and explore feedback that both affirms and especially questions your broad talent along with its integral components.
The Power and Proving Ground of Talent vs. Skill
As Buckingham and Coffman observe, the power of talent lies in being “transferable from one situation to another; given the right stimulus, it fires spontaneously”; a skill's efficacy is often more situation or context specific. For example, by knowing his product a salesperson demonstrates a skill; but he may still lack the "emotional intelligence" and "relating" talent for being great at selling a variety of products in a variety of settings to a variety of customers.
As for context, a talent for conveying or facilitating the sharing of ideas and emotions can occur during one-one coaching, in a family therapy session, at a board meeting, in a classroom as well as while leading a webinar. Personally, a commitment to expressing conceptual-communicational talent means developing fluency in keynoting and also keyboarding. The truly talented individual often feels compelled to explore and exercise his or her cognitive-affective muscles in a wide variety of arenas. There may be a need for proof, not just testing one’s own capabilities but also proving others wrong. (I suspect not just the allure of the limelight but also self-challenge in Howard Gardener’s “kinesthetic and musical intelligence” realms are why former football greats like Jerry Rice and Emmett Smith go on “Dancing with the Stars.”)
The Ongoing Path of Mastery
Of course, there’s no shortcut to maximizing your talent. According to Geoff Colvin’s (Talent Is Overrated, 2008), it usually takes 10,000 hours of intense practice to begin to see masterful results. So not surprisingly, after decades of nature and nurture (in a variety of clinical-interpersonal-organizational-conference settings), my “striving, thinking and relating talents” as a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ seem to come naturally; it’s now the way my brain’s wired, it’s in my blood (hopefully not Type A+ “tiger blood”; thank you Charlie for providing a conceptual handle for some of my own hypomanic-lite tendencies). And continuous practice and cogitation, affirming and humbling feedback and learning, much to my surprise, still improve process and product. So this is the essence of my talent; what is yours…and are you willing to do your headwork, heart work and homework?
Stay tuned for other components of "excellence." Until then...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Aggression & Accessibility
Symbol & Synthesis
Poignant & Playful
Imagery & Irony
Risk-Taking and Rhythm 'n Rhyme
Expressive & Excellence
On Becoming a Leading “Word Artist” on Stage and Page: How to ASPIRE-2 -– Critical Components of "Excellence"
Excellence. Most of us have a common sense notion of “excellence: the quality or state of being outstanding and superior, to have a particular talent in something.” And its foundation, the word “excel,” means “to do better than all others, than a given standard, or than previous personal achievement.” This segment focuses on select factors that I believe comprise “ongoing learning” excellence, especially continually improving upon a “previous personal achievement. Some factors are self-evident, others might be surprising. Four Critical Components of Excellence:
1. Discovering and Designing Your Talent. According to Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their groundbreaking book, First Break All the Rules: What the World Greatest Managers Do Differently (1999), “talent” is seen as a recurring pattern of thought, feeling or behavior that can be productively applied. It’s not simply God-given. In other words, it’s the love of a certain subject, something your mind-body and head-heart just has to do, or seems to do effortlessly (after hours and hours of practice; see below); it’s the air you breathe. For me, it’s designing ideas and playing with words, especially in a psychological, emotional-communicational and/or creativity context – on the stage or page. Consciously and unconsciously I’m continually soaking this product with “The Four ‘P’s of Passion Power” – being Purposeful-Provocative-Passionate-Playful (email stressdoc@aol.com for the “Passion Power” Model) to empathically and excitedly engage, enlighten and empower others. Of course, the engagement process is not unidirectional. You must be willing to take in and explore feedback that both affirms and especially questions your broad talent along with its integral components.
The Power and Proving Ground of Talent vs. Skill
As Buckingham and Coffman observe, the power of talent lies in being “transferable from one situation to another; given the right stimulus, it fires spontaneously”; a skill's efficacy is often more situation or context specific. For example, by knowing his product a salesperson demonstrates a skill; but he may still lack the "emotional intelligence" and "relating" talent for being great at selling a variety of products in a variety of settings to a variety of customers.
As for context, a talent for conveying or facilitating the sharing of ideas and emotions can occur during one-one coaching, in a family therapy session, at a board meeting, in a classroom as well as while leading a webinar. Personally, a commitment to expressing conceptual-communicational talent means developing fluency in keynoting and also keyboarding. The truly talented individual often feels compelled to explore and exercise his or her cognitive-affective muscles in a wide variety of arenas. There may be a need for proof, not just testing one’s own capabilities but also proving others wrong. (I suspect not just the allure of the limelight but also self-challenge in Howard Gardener’s “kinesthetic and musical intelligence” realms are why former football greats like Jerry Rice and Emmett Smith go on “Dancing with the Stars.”)
The Ongoing Path of Mastery
Of course, there’s no shortcut to maximizing your talent. According to Geoff Colvin’s (Talent Is Overrated, 2008), it usually takes 10,000 hours of intense practice to begin to see masterful results. So not surprisingly, after decades of nature and nurture (in a variety of clinical-interpersonal-organizational-conference settings), my “striving, thinking and relating talents” as a “Motivational Psychohumorist” ™ seem to come naturally; it’s now the way my brain’s wired, it’s in my blood (hopefully not Type A+ “tiger blood”; thank you Charlie for providing a conceptual handle for some of my own hypomanic-lite tendencies). And continuous practice and cogitation, affirming and humbling feedback and learning, much to my surprise, still improve process and product. So this is the essence of my talent; what is yours…and are you willing to do your headwork, heart work and homework?
Stay tuned for other components of "excellence." Until then...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Friday, March 11, 2011
“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Part III
In the aftermath of a recent “Bridging Generational Communication” workshop with a major DC utility, I coined two new concepts – “Gentor” ™ and “Gentoring” ™. (My Webmaster frequently notes how Spell-check is not impressed by my wordsmith proclivities!) And a showcase essay, “Gentoring” ™: Building a New Mentoring Role for Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide or “Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur!,” suggested drawing on the digital generations’ computer and multimedia facility to coax and coach an older generation of employees, helping their seniors become more technologically friendly and fluent. Clearly, expanding computer-Internet-multimedia competency is critical in today’s world. (Email stressdoc@aol.com if you missed this essay, or check my “Google Blob”:
Now let’s consider some of the possible psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities in designing and implementing a Gentoring program. First an examination of likely “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to cross the “techno lizard-digital wizard” divide yet potentially being techno-coached by GenXers and Millennials (born after 1965). The initial “Five of Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction
2. Authority-Status Shift
3. Family Dynamics
4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out
5. Inadequacy and the “Intimate FOE”
Now for the final “Five Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
6. Feeling Abandoned and Obsolete. Gentoring processes are often needed, if not implemented, during times of major organizational-operational change. And as I witnessed firsthand, just mixing generations, skillsets and cultures together during a period of uncertain job ebb and flow can produce a volatile reaction. Let me provide a most dramatic example from the mid-90s. During agency reorganization, a division of skilled crafts professionals were let go by one federal agency (located at a modern suburban campus) and were temporarily assigned to the dark and dank cavernous belly of the beast…the basement of the Department of Commerce. At the same time, these professionals, mostly senior white males (Traditionals and Boomers), were being threatened on two other fronts: (a) the possible loss of jobs through computerization and privatization (that is, allowing private industry to bid for federal contracts), and (b) the recent influx of younger women and racial minorities into the shop (who were more savvy with computers than the old-timers). Not surprisingly, during this vulnerable period, racial tension was rising and tempers were flaring. Some folks started pulling up KKK websites; others began bringing Louis Farrakhan tapes to work. And upper management didn't know how to handle this transitional tempest…So they employed the ostrich defense, burying their heads in the operational sands.
Stress Doc to the Rescue
It wasn't until an EEO analyst realized the government was hemorrhaging thousands and thousands (potentially hundreds of thousands) of dollars in formal grievance procedures that I was brought in to stop the bleeding and prevent full-scale escalation. In this critical situation, one-on-one interviews were bypassed; however, we held several face-to-face meetings between labor and management. We moved quickly into a full-day stress and anger management workshop with all parties. After two intense and successful workshops, involving culturally diverse small groups and conflict resolution and camaraderie-building exercises, came a series of post-workshop team building interventions. (The grievance hemorrhaging ceased much to the government’s budgetary relief. Ultimately, many of the older employees retired and accepted a moderate buyout.) While this is an extreme case scenario, having younger folks Gentoring older individuals, especially during a tight economy and “lean and mean” job uncertainty or tightened career advancement, can surely contribute to an edgy learning dynamic.
7. Differential Reactions and Usage among the Generations. Overall, the Traditionals are the least comfortable and computer savvy across the digital divide. These folks definitely need coaching, though significant numbers of older Boomers are not much more fluent. (And even some GenXers compared to Milennial Mavens and the upcoming generation – Multi-MIDS ™: Multi-Media Instantaneous Digitals – seem more techno-lizard than wizard.) Actually, Boomers, in general, often view our ever-increasing dependence on computers and technology as a “mixed bag.” I myself have referred to the “e” in e-mail as really standing for “escape.” That is, people of all generations, but especially GenXers and Ys often actively avoid face-to-face (f2f) communication, especially during times of interpersonal conflict. (And the dangers of attempting to clarify or work out misunderstandings and conflicts virtually are glaringly obvious. Attitude and tone can jump off the screen without the benefit of contextual body language, facial gestures and live give-and-take.)
Generational Communication Styles and Substance
Clearly, the various generations have differentially adopted and adapted to the new communication/multimedia options like Skype and Smart Phone Apps to Kindles and I-Pads. Many in the earlier generations don’t understand the need for “Facebook Friends,” nor do they approve of endless tweeting and texting. Speaking of communication preferences, my cousin is a Boomer whose job requires coordinating with vendors around the globe. She finds that vendors of the younger generations basically will not answer their phones; they only respond to or send texts and emails. Again, face-to-face or voice-to-voice is being replaced by a less personal, more virtual exchange; it’s a source of consternation for many, especially those endorsing “Practice Safe Text” or not enamored with “the art of the short but sweet tweet” and other forms of social media.
8. Miscellaneous Hot Button Issues. Four “hot button” issues have become everyday dividers:
a) Focused Attention. Seniors questioning their juniors’ ability to sustain focused attention on a task or solving a problem; the boredom-frustration tolerance threshold seems to be progressively lowering; while this pattern may seem more pronounced for the more youthful employees, once you get plugged into “high speed” technology, waiting becomes more onerous for just about everyone,
b) Scanning vs. Understanding. Gen X and especially Gen Y/Millennials looking for quick (and Trads & Booms, and even GenXers might say) superficial responses or scanning at the expense of more thoughtful, careful and solid trial and error, understanding and/or deliberate problem solving, and
c) Entitlements vs. Earnings. I recall a Boomer business owner articulating what many of his generation are saying about too many of today’s younger employees: “They want their ‘rights’ without having to earn or shoulder ‘responsibilities’!” Let’s try a historical context. For example, a sense of “entitlement” can be particularly irksome for Boomers who helped pioneer the late-‘60s and ‘70s Women’s Movement. When these groundbreakers perceive younger women taking for granted new found opportunities and especially if Xers and Millennials are unaware of or seem disinterested in the history of the social-economic-political struggles and hard-fought efforts for change by their “older sisters,” real cross-generation frustration can arise.
d) Trophy for Winners vs. Trophy for All. Another common dismissive refrain heard by senior folks is the Millennial notion that everyone gets a trophy just for participation. The concept of merit seems to be getting short shrift. I think the younger generations still has work to do in selling the “soft skills” and “it takes a village” value and meaning of “inclusion” as opposed to a competitive edged world of winners and losers.
9. “E & E” vs. “I & I”. Many in the older generation believe one is productive by combining “Effectiveness” (Doing the right thing) and “Efficiency” (Doing the thing right), along with unselfish team effort. For the latter, the prevailing mantra might be, “There’s No ‘I’ in Team.” Despite their facility and infatuation with “smart technology,” numbers of colleagues see the younger side of the digital divide trumping the pair of “E”s with “I”s, that is, Gen X & Ys need to establish their own “idiosyncratic identity” (not a big surprise in the age of websites, blogging and Facebook). Clearly, doing “your own thing” in a culture extolling “workplace norms” will trigger some tension in-house and across the generational-digital divide. And if not feeling challenged or stimulated, young minds and legs (not to mention mouths) just might be off and running. But don’t despair…the Stress Doc ™ is here with another one of his pithy maxims to improve productivity and morale.
When “I”s can “C”: Individual and Interactive Synergy
While not getting into solutions at this point, let me just say that there are a pair of “I”s that have the potential to be pillars of a generational bridge: “Individuality” and “Interactivity.” As a brief explanation, for example, I’ve always had a somewhat unsettled feeling about the above truism, “There’s No ‘I’ in Team.” I don’t know if it’s my own ego needs or an appreciation of the complexity of group process-motivation that keeps me from unconditionally embracing the oft-quoted saying. I’ve amended the motivational mantra, thusly: There May Be No “I” in Team”…but there Are Two “I”s in Winning! And while there are several interpretive possibilities, let’s go with one that allows our “I”s to “C”: highly motivated and morale-driven teams possess two winning “I”s that are a dynamic if not paradoxical blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”
Benefits of Blending Creativity and Community
If we can develop a team and workplace atmosphere that:
a) encourages individual and team exploration and innovation,
b) helps the larger community open up to new perspectives and meaningful innovation – through “flexibly focused” yet “out of the box” experimentation trials; remember, creative minds tend to gravitate toward the edge of chaos, then pull (or may need to be pulled) back,
c) challenges/supports the mind-opening maverick to engage with the “Tried (and) True (while also generating the) New” (to borrow a theme from my Metro DC-NASW Chapter’s recent Social Work conference), and
d) helps nurture a stronger sense of commitment by the “individual creator” to colleagues, collectives and the company – generating a mutual, optimally stimulating “interactive community” – then we are linking and playing generational win-win hands.
10. Culture of Authority. Popular psycho-cultural commentator, Malcolm Gladwell, in Outliers: The Story of Success (2008), shares a vignette that has great significance for “hot button” barriers across the generational divide. In the 1980s, the Columbian and Korean airlines were reporting a statistically aberrant (high) number of fatal air crashes. Typically, there were two people in the cockpit, the senior pilot and the co-pilot, a junior officer. As it turned out, who was flying the airplane proved extremely relevant to the forensic investigation. Any ideas why? Well, the older, senior officer was flying the plane and, no, the problem wasn’t the pilot being too casual. The problem was cultural and status/age-related in nature. The junior pilot was the navigator. Upon first sensing trouble, he was not able to decisively-aggressively warn his older colleague that the latter was placing the craft in danger, about to make a fatal mistake, e.g., flying toward a cloud covered mountain. According to the “black box” and control tower records, by the time the co-pilots warnings took on a sufficiently urgent tone, if they ever did, it was too late. Ingrained in the junior pilots of these countries was a culture of subservience to authority and age, including indirectness and subtlety in all manner of verbal and nonverbal communication. Sometimes, the junior navigator ignored the visual gauge evidence, assuming that the pilot (because of his seniority) must know what he’s doing. It was not his role to contradict the authority. Whatever the thought-behavior pattern, the result was junior pilot passivity and lack of decisive intervention in the face of critical danger.
A Down to Earth Example
Ironically, and fortunately, I experienced a less dramatic example of this cultural dynamic during training with soldiers at Ft. Hood. A twenty-something male soldier shared having problems explaining to his senior officer why there were some operational delays in moving stock from a warehouse. (And it was this sharing that prompted my telling the above Outliers vignette.) At the end of the training, after most of the soldiers had filed out, the soldier came up to me and said, “Your story had a lot of meaning for me…I was born in Columbia!”
Gentoring and the PDI
So what are the implications of this critical-cultural story and Gentoring? Clearly, when younger employees are partnering with more senior employees one must be aware of multicultural sensitivities, socialization sensibilities and emotionally charged values, especially related to the Triple “A” – Authority-Age-Aggression. Actually, Gladwell mentions a research concept, the “Power Distance Index” (PDI) as underlying whether communication between generations of various cultures is assertive and direct or passive and indirect. He poses three influential questions:
1) how much a particular culture value and respect authority?
2) how afraid are employees to express disagreement with superiors?
3) do individuals/subordinates expect and accept that power is distributed unequally? (For example, one might say that the once prevailing cultural PDI is certainly being challenged across the Middle East.)
What’s the PDI ambiance in your organization or shop? It will definitely influence the quality of your generational bridge, and could well make or break a Gentoring Program! Actually, a rigid or intimidating PDI ambiance can stifle open communication and effective coordination within and throughout all organizational levels.
Oh yes, one final footnote: All Korean pilots eventually received Western style “assertiveness training” and in a triumph of “nurture over (cultural) nature” their safety records soon matched the industry standard.
Closing Summary
“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Parts II and III have highlighted potential psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to partner with their younger, digital savvy colleagues. Clearly, in today’s workplace and society overall, crossing the dinosaur-digital divide is mission and morale critical. The “Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons” for designing and implementing a Gentoring program are:
1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction
2. Authority-Status Shift
3. Family Dynamics
4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out
5. Inadequacy and the “Intimate FOE”
6. Feeling Abandoned and Obsolete
7. Differential Reactions and Usage among the Generations
8. Miscellaneous Hot Button Issues
9. “E & E” vs. ” I & I”
10. Culture of Authority
And Part IV will examine “hot buttons” for Gen Xers and Millennials when having to Gentor the computer averse or stressed of the more senior generations. Until then… Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
Now let’s consider some of the possible psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) dangers and opportunities in designing and implementing a Gentoring program. First an examination of likely “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to cross the “techno lizard-digital wizard” divide yet potentially being techno-coached by GenXers and Millennials (born after 1965). The initial “Five of Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction
2. Authority-Status Shift
3. Family Dynamics
4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out
5. Inadequacy and the “Intimate FOE”
Now for the final “Five Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons”:
6. Feeling Abandoned and Obsolete. Gentoring processes are often needed, if not implemented, during times of major organizational-operational change. And as I witnessed firsthand, just mixing generations, skillsets and cultures together during a period of uncertain job ebb and flow can produce a volatile reaction. Let me provide a most dramatic example from the mid-90s. During agency reorganization, a division of skilled crafts professionals were let go by one federal agency (located at a modern suburban campus) and were temporarily assigned to the dark and dank cavernous belly of the beast…the basement of the Department of Commerce. At the same time, these professionals, mostly senior white males (Traditionals and Boomers), were being threatened on two other fronts: (a) the possible loss of jobs through computerization and privatization (that is, allowing private industry to bid for federal contracts), and (b) the recent influx of younger women and racial minorities into the shop (who were more savvy with computers than the old-timers). Not surprisingly, during this vulnerable period, racial tension was rising and tempers were flaring. Some folks started pulling up KKK websites; others began bringing Louis Farrakhan tapes to work. And upper management didn't know how to handle this transitional tempest…So they employed the ostrich defense, burying their heads in the operational sands.
Stress Doc to the Rescue
It wasn't until an EEO analyst realized the government was hemorrhaging thousands and thousands (potentially hundreds of thousands) of dollars in formal grievance procedures that I was brought in to stop the bleeding and prevent full-scale escalation. In this critical situation, one-on-one interviews were bypassed; however, we held several face-to-face meetings between labor and management. We moved quickly into a full-day stress and anger management workshop with all parties. After two intense and successful workshops, involving culturally diverse small groups and conflict resolution and camaraderie-building exercises, came a series of post-workshop team building interventions. (The grievance hemorrhaging ceased much to the government’s budgetary relief. Ultimately, many of the older employees retired and accepted a moderate buyout.) While this is an extreme case scenario, having younger folks Gentoring older individuals, especially during a tight economy and “lean and mean” job uncertainty or tightened career advancement, can surely contribute to an edgy learning dynamic.
7. Differential Reactions and Usage among the Generations. Overall, the Traditionals are the least comfortable and computer savvy across the digital divide. These folks definitely need coaching, though significant numbers of older Boomers are not much more fluent. (And even some GenXers compared to Milennial Mavens and the upcoming generation – Multi-MIDS ™: Multi-Media Instantaneous Digitals – seem more techno-lizard than wizard.) Actually, Boomers, in general, often view our ever-increasing dependence on computers and technology as a “mixed bag.” I myself have referred to the “e” in e-mail as really standing for “escape.” That is, people of all generations, but especially GenXers and Ys often actively avoid face-to-face (f2f) communication, especially during times of interpersonal conflict. (And the dangers of attempting to clarify or work out misunderstandings and conflicts virtually are glaringly obvious. Attitude and tone can jump off the screen without the benefit of contextual body language, facial gestures and live give-and-take.)
Generational Communication Styles and Substance
Clearly, the various generations have differentially adopted and adapted to the new communication/multimedia options like Skype and Smart Phone Apps to Kindles and I-Pads. Many in the earlier generations don’t understand the need for “Facebook Friends,” nor do they approve of endless tweeting and texting. Speaking of communication preferences, my cousin is a Boomer whose job requires coordinating with vendors around the globe. She finds that vendors of the younger generations basically will not answer their phones; they only respond to or send texts and emails. Again, face-to-face or voice-to-voice is being replaced by a less personal, more virtual exchange; it’s a source of consternation for many, especially those endorsing “Practice Safe Text” or not enamored with “the art of the short but sweet tweet” and other forms of social media.
8. Miscellaneous Hot Button Issues. Four “hot button” issues have become everyday dividers:
a) Focused Attention. Seniors questioning their juniors’ ability to sustain focused attention on a task or solving a problem; the boredom-frustration tolerance threshold seems to be progressively lowering; while this pattern may seem more pronounced for the more youthful employees, once you get plugged into “high speed” technology, waiting becomes more onerous for just about everyone,
b) Scanning vs. Understanding. Gen X and especially Gen Y/Millennials looking for quick (and Trads & Booms, and even GenXers might say) superficial responses or scanning at the expense of more thoughtful, careful and solid trial and error, understanding and/or deliberate problem solving, and
c) Entitlements vs. Earnings. I recall a Boomer business owner articulating what many of his generation are saying about too many of today’s younger employees: “They want their ‘rights’ without having to earn or shoulder ‘responsibilities’!” Let’s try a historical context. For example, a sense of “entitlement” can be particularly irksome for Boomers who helped pioneer the late-‘60s and ‘70s Women’s Movement. When these groundbreakers perceive younger women taking for granted new found opportunities and especially if Xers and Millennials are unaware of or seem disinterested in the history of the social-economic-political struggles and hard-fought efforts for change by their “older sisters,” real cross-generation frustration can arise.
d) Trophy for Winners vs. Trophy for All. Another common dismissive refrain heard by senior folks is the Millennial notion that everyone gets a trophy just for participation. The concept of merit seems to be getting short shrift. I think the younger generations still has work to do in selling the “soft skills” and “it takes a village” value and meaning of “inclusion” as opposed to a competitive edged world of winners and losers.
9. “E & E” vs. “I & I”. Many in the older generation believe one is productive by combining “Effectiveness” (Doing the right thing) and “Efficiency” (Doing the thing right), along with unselfish team effort. For the latter, the prevailing mantra might be, “There’s No ‘I’ in Team.” Despite their facility and infatuation with “smart technology,” numbers of colleagues see the younger side of the digital divide trumping the pair of “E”s with “I”s, that is, Gen X & Ys need to establish their own “idiosyncratic identity” (not a big surprise in the age of websites, blogging and Facebook). Clearly, doing “your own thing” in a culture extolling “workplace norms” will trigger some tension in-house and across the generational-digital divide. And if not feeling challenged or stimulated, young minds and legs (not to mention mouths) just might be off and running. But don’t despair…the Stress Doc ™ is here with another one of his pithy maxims to improve productivity and morale.
When “I”s can “C”: Individual and Interactive Synergy
While not getting into solutions at this point, let me just say that there are a pair of “I”s that have the potential to be pillars of a generational bridge: “Individuality” and “Interactivity.” As a brief explanation, for example, I’ve always had a somewhat unsettled feeling about the above truism, “There’s No ‘I’ in Team.” I don’t know if it’s my own ego needs or an appreciation of the complexity of group process-motivation that keeps me from unconditionally embracing the oft-quoted saying. I’ve amended the motivational mantra, thusly: There May Be No “I” in Team”…but there Are Two “I”s in Winning! And while there are several interpretive possibilities, let’s go with one that allows our “I”s to “C”: highly motivated and morale-driven teams possess two winning “I”s that are a dynamic if not paradoxical blend of “Individual Creativity” and “Interactive Community.”
Benefits of Blending Creativity and Community
If we can develop a team and workplace atmosphere that:
a) encourages individual and team exploration and innovation,
b) helps the larger community open up to new perspectives and meaningful innovation – through “flexibly focused” yet “out of the box” experimentation trials; remember, creative minds tend to gravitate toward the edge of chaos, then pull (or may need to be pulled) back,
c) challenges/supports the mind-opening maverick to engage with the “Tried (and) True (while also generating the) New” (to borrow a theme from my Metro DC-NASW Chapter’s recent Social Work conference), and
d) helps nurture a stronger sense of commitment by the “individual creator” to colleagues, collectives and the company – generating a mutual, optimally stimulating “interactive community” – then we are linking and playing generational win-win hands.
10. Culture of Authority. Popular psycho-cultural commentator, Malcolm Gladwell, in Outliers: The Story of Success (2008), shares a vignette that has great significance for “hot button” barriers across the generational divide. In the 1980s, the Columbian and Korean airlines were reporting a statistically aberrant (high) number of fatal air crashes. Typically, there were two people in the cockpit, the senior pilot and the co-pilot, a junior officer. As it turned out, who was flying the airplane proved extremely relevant to the forensic investigation. Any ideas why? Well, the older, senior officer was flying the plane and, no, the problem wasn’t the pilot being too casual. The problem was cultural and status/age-related in nature. The junior pilot was the navigator. Upon first sensing trouble, he was not able to decisively-aggressively warn his older colleague that the latter was placing the craft in danger, about to make a fatal mistake, e.g., flying toward a cloud covered mountain. According to the “black box” and control tower records, by the time the co-pilots warnings took on a sufficiently urgent tone, if they ever did, it was too late. Ingrained in the junior pilots of these countries was a culture of subservience to authority and age, including indirectness and subtlety in all manner of verbal and nonverbal communication. Sometimes, the junior navigator ignored the visual gauge evidence, assuming that the pilot (because of his seniority) must know what he’s doing. It was not his role to contradict the authority. Whatever the thought-behavior pattern, the result was junior pilot passivity and lack of decisive intervention in the face of critical danger.
A Down to Earth Example
Ironically, and fortunately, I experienced a less dramatic example of this cultural dynamic during training with soldiers at Ft. Hood. A twenty-something male soldier shared having problems explaining to his senior officer why there were some operational delays in moving stock from a warehouse. (And it was this sharing that prompted my telling the above Outliers vignette.) At the end of the training, after most of the soldiers had filed out, the soldier came up to me and said, “Your story had a lot of meaning for me…I was born in Columbia!”
Gentoring and the PDI
So what are the implications of this critical-cultural story and Gentoring? Clearly, when younger employees are partnering with more senior employees one must be aware of multicultural sensitivities, socialization sensibilities and emotionally charged values, especially related to the Triple “A” – Authority-Age-Aggression. Actually, Gladwell mentions a research concept, the “Power Distance Index” (PDI) as underlying whether communication between generations of various cultures is assertive and direct or passive and indirect. He poses three influential questions:
1) how much a particular culture value and respect authority?
2) how afraid are employees to express disagreement with superiors?
3) do individuals/subordinates expect and accept that power is distributed unequally? (For example, one might say that the once prevailing cultural PDI is certainly being challenged across the Middle East.)
What’s the PDI ambiance in your organization or shop? It will definitely influence the quality of your generational bridge, and could well make or break a Gentoring Program! Actually, a rigid or intimidating PDI ambiance can stifle open communication and effective coordination within and throughout all organizational levels.
Oh yes, one final footnote: All Korean pilots eventually received Western style “assertiveness training” and in a triumph of “nurture over (cultural) nature” their safety records soon matched the industry standard.
Closing Summary
“Gentoring” ™: Barriers to Bridging the Generational-Digital Divide – Traditionals and Boomer ‘Hot Buttons’” – Parts II and III have highlighted potential psychological and interpersonal as well as organizational and socio-cultural (including current economic) “hot button” issues for Traditionals (born before 1945) and Boomers (born 1945 to 1964) reluctant to partner with their younger, digital savvy colleagues. Clearly, in today’s workplace and society overall, crossing the dinosaur-digital divide is mission and morale critical. The “Ten Dino-Digital Defenses and Hot Buttons” for designing and implementing a Gentoring program are:
1. Initial Denial, Dismissive or Disruptive Reaction
2. Authority-Status Shift
3. Family Dynamics
4. Jealousy, Displacement and Acting Out
5. Inadequacy and the “Intimate FOE”
6. Feeling Abandoned and Obsolete
7. Differential Reactions and Usage among the Generations
8. Miscellaneous Hot Button Issues
9. “E & E” vs. ” I & I”
10. Culture of Authority
And Part IV will examine “hot buttons” for Gen Xers and Millennials when having to Gentor the computer averse or stressed of the more senior generations. Until then… Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also had a rotation as Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
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