A Generational-Digital Diatribe: Still, Don’t Be Afraid to Pet the Dinosaur (aka "Dinos and Digiits")

Why does the digital world spin so fast?
Why can't I simply hold on to the past?
Facebook, tweeting, smart apps...oh what's next?
It’s no longer "Safe Stress" ™…it’s "Practice Safe Text"!!

I am the turtle; the Gens are the hare
They’re always racing but who knows to where?
Those short cut acronyms…geez, what a crock
My poor English teach…in anaphylactic shock!

And do you use email to settle a score
With that mortal colleague residing next door?
The "e" in email – your Face-2-Face "escape"
Go blast that e-rocket fueled by sour grapes.

Okay, the three hundred messages that for you await
May have something to do with your volatile state.
Does always being wired make you real tired?
Or are you real tired of always being so wired?

Don’t blame the company; they’re just doing their best
In getting the troops to "Do More with Less."
It’s not PTSD but PTDS –
Post-Technological Deluge Stress!

Dinos and Digits, both give me the fidgets
Digits and Dinos, they sure can be whinos!

Smoldering anger, the anonymous stranger

Why not live large on the edge of danger:
Talk "thumb trash" and bully; "be happy, don’t worry"…
Having an avatar means never being sorry.

Hey, it's a multi-tasking age

Where ADHD is all of the rage.
When instant gratification seems a delay...
BOREDOM!  ASAP:  Start texting away.

With all things wireless, you're always on board
Alas, still tied to that e-umbilical cord?
Can't use your phone or get online...
Blood pressure PANIC surges most every time.

It's "Privacy vs. Piracy"; we're under viral attack.
And now identity theft from the neighborhood hack.
Even big Uncle Sam cannot safely "hold em"
Playing NSA Poker with one Mr. Snowden.

Why do these young guns keep talking so fast?
And spelling, of course, now a thing of the past.
Or when presenting – a web session or on a Skype phone
Please, an occasional pause…don’t just drone on an on.

Dinos and Digits can be mental widgets
Digits and Dinos, like spoiled bambinos

Younger folks say "inclusion," a trophy for all

Forming an identity that’s off the Facebook Wall.
When the grizzled gens want winners not mere pretenders –
One must divide Alphas from those bleeding heart losers.

Of course, many leaders don’t have a clue

For an e-conference, just what do you do?
Without live eyes and bodies keeping safe solid ground
"Little Napoleons" start throwing their own head-weight around.

And for those folks who both drive and talk

As if life is but one stroll in the park.
Or sleepwalk and text…and what do they expect?
Either I clear a path or I’m the pain in the neck.

Believe me; it wouldn’t take much of a dare

To shove that damn phone right up their…hot air!
Alas, I’m sounding more and more like a grouch
Maybe what's needed is another approach.

Dinos and Digits, there's got to be limits
Digits and Dinos...the fate of "White Rhinos?"

A crusade:  "Save the Analog Whales"…Is that asking too much?

But first, lure digital hare-brains from their wired world hutch.
Pull heads out of smart phones; break FOMO** media habits.
(Though "Get a Life" Coaching is for "Dinos," not just "Digits.")

Of course, don't go cold turkey with a cyber-addiction...
Play "Past Life Regression" ® in a “calmer shooter” or Kama Sutra *** position.
Find a virtual guru, one who's no techno slouch...now

Plug-and-play (if not hug-and-pay) on that 3-D "smart couch."

Well, let me reach closure, before I "break bad"
On those always bragging about their iPad.
Consider my words, they are pretty rad:
I truly don’t mean to sound unkind…
Keep your iPad; I prefer an I-Mind!

**  FOMO

***  (a sexual position illustrated by the ancient Indian text; personal preference)


© Mark Gorkin  2013
Shrink Rap Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a national keynote and webinar speaker and "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  A training and Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Consultant for the National EAP/Wellness Company, Business Health Services in Baltimore, MD, the Doc has also led “Stress, Team Building and Humor” programs for various branches of the Armed Services.  Mark, a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com.

The Six “R” Road to Burnout Recovery – Part IV: The Next Two “R”s – Retreating & Writing

3.  Retreating

 

When you read the word “retreat,” do you think “refuge” before “defeat?”

The difference is huge – white-water flow or flood stage deluge.
To give up, back off, perhaps recede
It’s a real “hot button”:  you hate to concede.
To withdraw facing alleged strength superior
Incites an inner shriek:  You are INFERIOR!

Retreat:  Reflect and Refuel, Redesigned Not Resigned

As mentioned before, what if retreat is really more –

A time to face your exhaustion, to free up reflection
To refuel and design a strategic position.
Group’s that survive do more than wish
To hell with pretenses, they will crawfish.
Those often winning that much prized medal
Know when and how to quickly backpedal
Grabbing some shelter, finding peace and quiet
Amidst helter-skelter and battlefield riot.

One Must Let Go, Sometimes Eat Crow

to Be Prepared to Go with the Flow

Retreat is not all deliberation; it often signals decisive action:

I don’t ask very much:  just let go of a longstanding crutch –
That “personal savior”…your almighty will power?
At one time or another, to get it together
You may need to retire to an “ivory tower.”

I’m not talking forever, nor an installation

More a space to savor the imagination.
A private sanctum to picture a mountain
A rushing stream or cool spraying fountain.
From a hidden nook espy a fresh look…
A down-to-earth heaven; a reverse Garden of Eden:
Mind meadows and canyons, a lush place to examine
And the skillful weeding of self-defeating patterns.

Double-Edged Memories:  Electrical Echoes

Secret valley echoes are hard-earned mementos

Most sacred ground to revisit old wounds, alas
Not without danger if you’ve been a stranger.
As Proust observed through years of reflection
Memories of emotion are two-sided commotion.
Both virulent slow poison and succulent Aloe potion.
Or as Joan Baez would sing…all that memories bring:
From hot lava love to glacial mistrust –
Eternal diamonds and erosive rust.

Yet absent those memories – that electrical current

Despite best policies, we’re merely knights errant:
For any retreat to escape “same old” repeat
There must be living memory to learn from our history –
Making peace with old tragedy while igniting bold strategy.
For author, John Fowles, root instincts are lost
Without a wired primal brain “power source.”

Fertile Association and Final Reflection

Now design a platform for electric group brainstorm

Try building in norms while digging out worms.
Find new paths and partners with whom to perform.
(Of course, the retreat is not a springboard to cheat.)

Still final reflection involves introspection –

Engaging one question and a critical notion:
First, how did I create my burnout condition?
Next, a game-changing realization…
There’s no longer an option or a real choice:
Stop running from your own true inner voice.

© Mark Gorkin 2013

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

301-875-2567

www.stressdoc.com
stressdoc@aol.com

Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home
3 Steps to Overcome Procrastination Video -- http://vimeo.com/73783964
Shrink Rap Video Link: https://vimeo.com/69053828


Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc leads one-day "Stress Resiliency" workshops for "METRO" Managers and Supervisors of the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  "The Doc" is also a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company.  Mark leads highly interactive, innovative, and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.  And click https://vimeo.com/69053828 for the Stress Doc's wildly pioneering "Shrink Rap" video.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"
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The New "R & R": Now the Stress Recovery & Resiliency Work Begins

As the government shutdown comes to an "end," alas, for the short-term, there's nearly as much looming uncertainty as there is immediate relief.  What's needed are supportive -- "High Task and Human Touch" interventions to:

1) help folks recover from the recent tension and chaos,

2) rebuild some sense of trust, transparency, and team spirit, and
3) develop stress resiliency-psychological hardiness skills for managing anxiety and positively responding to future changes.  (See below, the "Four Skills-Strategies" that distinguished Psychologically Hardy from Vulnerable Ma Bell Execs during the traumatic break-up of the company thirty years ago.)

Shortly after the Navy Yard tragedy, I sent out a proactive training program recommendation.  One response was from a colleague at the FBI's Training Division, Quantico, Virginia:

Hi Mark,

To answer your question, yes, this is a much needed program. However, no one has any funding to pay for such a program right now. We are still facing 2014 budget cuts and the potential of weekly furloughs.

To put it simply, things are a mess with the federal government right now.

You could contact some agencies to try to get your foot in the door by possibly offering some free or very low cost programs. That would be my recommendation. If you could sell agencies on the cost benefit to them – e.g. the value of healthy, less-stressed employees as far as productivity and reduced time off.  [And the chance of preventing or reducing trauma-inducing hazardous work environment incidents.  This individual requested her name not be used.]

----------------------

So this is my offer to do a "free or very low cost program" for your branch, division, or agency.  I have outlined a Stress Resiliency program for Metro Transit leaders and employees that I've been doing for several years.  (Also, I'm a former Stress, Violence Prevention. Team Building Consultant for the US Postal Service.  I've also done numerous Stress & Team Building Leadership Retreats for the US Military.)

Please email or call with any questions or ideas.  The "Shootings and Shutdowns" program offering is follows the Psychological Hardiness section.

Best wishes and remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin

stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com
-------------

Psychological Hardiness

Psychological hardiness is a concept developed by Dr. Suzanne Kobasa and her research team while studying the health of AT&T executives during the stressful breakup of “Ma Bell.” Some execs were having a hard time physically and emotionally, while others were coping effectively with the transitional storm. The hardiest executives demonstrated what I call the “Four C’s of Psychological Hardiness”:

a. Commitment.  The hardy execs while not crazy about all the changes were still committed to doing really good work.  They also were committed to finding work-life balance; they were not spending long nights at work hoping they would be rewarded for self-sacrifice.

b. Control.  These effective execs understood that they would have to let go of some real control; they did not bury themselves in their silos, but were more open to exploring new assignments and role-responsibility shifts.

c. Change.  The most stress resilient were able to release considerable control as they understood that “change happens.”  These individuals were quicker to grieve their loss, perceived or actual.  They were also quicker to jump into new learning curves; and did not fight being an uncomfortable beginner.  I would say their personal mantra; I’m a learner not a loser!

d. Conditioning.  The hardiest execs engaged in regular aerobic exercise or physical conditioning.  Not only does exercise help you stay fit, manage your weight and improve your endurance and cardiovascular health, but it also releases mood-lifting bio-chemicals, a good antidote to mild feelings of agitation and/or depression.  Also, when everything’s up in the air--you can’t seem to close any projects or meet elusive deadlines--structured exercise provides a self-defined beginning and endpoint, for a tangible self of accomplishment and control.

How about instituting a wellness/hardiness program or competition among departments, with some team rewards at the end of the challenge?

--------------- 

Day-long Stress Resiliency Training for Leaders

In the past year or so, I have been periodically doing a series of one-day Stress Resiliency programs for Managers and Supervisors at Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  (I have been doing training programs for WMATA for over fifteen years.)  Usually, there are about five to a dozen attendees.

Topics covered include:

> stress smoke signals/pathways and burnout stages
> 6 "R"s of Burnout Recovery/Prevention
> work-life change challenges and losses
> unfinished grieving and engaging "grief ghosts"
> 4 "R's of PRO Relating:  Being Respectful, Real, Responsible, and Responsive
> acclaimed relaxation-visualization exercise
> Natural SPEED Formula for stress resiliency and brain agility

However, the biggest tool is the open, supportive, and honest interaction among participants; we create a therapy-like atmosphere with strategic and compassionate facilitation.  And a touch of Stress Doc humor.  People feel safe with the intimate level of sharing.  As one Supervisor noted:  "I never thought I would be able to discuss my personal issues in the workplace!"

The response has been dramatic and almost uniformly terrific.  Only one time did an individual question whether it was safe to be open about "personal" issues.  We subsequently engaged this concern with all members, and reached consensus -- each person would share at his or her level of comfort.

Three constants:  1) many folks are vigilant about burnout, 2) almost all in the workplace are engaged with some form of loss that has not been sufficiently grieved, contributing to anxiety, smoldering anger, and depressed feelings, and 3) this lingering loss impacts productive energy, focus, and the quality of workplace relationships.  The bonding among participants is palpable.  Many "take home" a new "stress buddy."

The workshop also has a prevention component.  I can quickly identify those who might benefit from an EAP or counseling referral.  And because of the relationship developed and head work-heart work-homework already done, people are receptive.

I wonder if this might not be a valuable tool for a wide-variety of employees, especially for leaders or leaders-in-waiting.

------------

Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™: Shootings and Shutdowns: Once Again On the Edge
or
http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2013/10/shootings-and-shutdowns-once-again-on.html

Shootings and Shutdowns:  Once Again on the Edge

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, LICSW

For many in the Greater-Metro DC area, the close proximity in time and space between the Washington Navy Yard tragedy and the Government Shutdown travesty has only heightened a sense of vulnerability.  Of course, none are more impacted than Federal Employees.  Yet, even if not a Fed, so many folks in this region are connected to the federal government for their livelihood and well-being.  Holding the government hostage has wide-spread and profound ramifications.  Individuals and families are once again living on a political and psychological precipice.

As a friend and federal employee passionately noted after the Navy Yard horror, some system-wide support, including timely information updates, more than just water cooler discussion, would have been vital to help federal employees cope with their own emotions as well as the status of family, friends, and colleagues.  In her shop, “no one talked about their feelings or concerns…I was praying for families and friends.”  And one suspects she and many others are praying such a rampage does not happen again.

Also not surprisingly, this current intersection of crises stirs memories related to previous shutdowns or threats as well as previous shootings (e.g., the sniper-related reign of terror back in 2002).  Grief ghosts will likely be walking the halls and cubes of government buildings as well as in basements and warehouses for the foreseeable future.  Employees won’t just be burnt up; many will be feeling burnt out!

When this brinksmanship finally ends, there will be numbers of employees who will not be able to return to “business as usual.”  While some individuals may benefit from counseling services through the federal Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), federal agencies can send a much more positive and proactive message.  Agencies need to recognize the normative nature of trauma-induced or trauma-related stress as well as the tension inherent in repeated exposure to critical uncertainty.  Large numbers of people may need time to vent and share with their colleagues, including the need for some communal grief work and emotional/team support. We recommend the following intervention/prevention steps to positively move people through this challenging if not crisis-riddled time:

1.  Management Training:  Helping managers and supervisors understand the impact of the challenges and crises hitting federal employees today, including the likelihood of stress-induced or trauma-like echoes.  Also, we know that individuals who are carrying around their own personal pressures and tensions, not related to the recent upheavals, can become more anxious, feel more out of control, during such a stormy period. Such training will enable management personnel to more compassionately, effectively, and efficiently recognize and reach out to individuals needing more collegial or professional assistance.  This training would also help managers facilitate some team sharing and support.  Of course, some of the management personnel may need their own counseling, coaching, or emotional support.  Again, some folks are still uncomfortable reaching out to the EAP.  This strategic step would provide an additional resource.

2.  Employee Support.  Two forms of employee support quickly come to mind:

a. All Hands Meetings – this would provide some of the content mentioned above; again, it’s a way of helping the branch or division, as a community, to gain vital information and to acknowledge the recent confusion and chaos; sharing and grieving is seen as normal and natural; a 30-60 minute session seems appropriate

b. Support Groups – these groups would be voluntary and smaller in number (based on Mark Gorkin’s experience as a stress and critical incident consultant, group size should not exceed fifteen).  And, if given sufficient time, say one half-day, some productive grieving and individual/team healing can occur.  And this setting will enable a trained facilitator to identify and encourage individuals needing more emotional support to seek appropriate assistance.

The bottom line:  Through no fault of their own, federal employees are caught in a political crossfire.  Eventually, appropriate follow-up debriefing and/or additional support will be needed.  The above interventions will help employees be more resilient in managing the aftermath of these stressors; people will sooner be able to productively resume their missions, roles and responsibilities.  And in contrast to the factions of dysfunctional stalemate, federal management will be perceived as a constructive force for the greater good. 

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, “The Stress Doc” ™
Stress and Critical Incident Consultant

stressdoc@aol.com
www.stressdoc.com

Google blog: http://www.blogger.com/home
3 Steps to Overcome Procrastination Video -- http://vimeo.com/73783964
Shrink Rap Video Link: https://vimeo.com/69053828


Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc leads one-day "Stress Resiliency" workshops for "METRO" Managers and Supervisors of the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA).  "The Doc" is also a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company.  Mark leads highly interactive, innovative, and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military, on stress and brain resiliency/burnout prevention through humor, change and conflict management, generational communication, and 3 "R" -- Responsible, Resilient & Risk-Taking -- leadership-partnership team building.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.  And click https://vimeo.com/69053828 for the Stress Doc's wildly pioneering "Shrink Rap" video.

Stress Doc Mantra: "Think out of the box, perform outside the curve (the Bell Curve) and be out-rage-ous!"

Shootings and Shutdowns: Once Again On the Edge

For many in the Greater-Metro DC area, the close proximity in time and space between the Washington Navy Yard tragedy and the Government Shutdown travesty has only heightened a sense of vulnerability.  Of course, none are more impacted than Federal Employees.  Yet, even if not a Fed, so many folks in this region are connected to the federal government for their livelihood and well-being.  Holding the government hostage has wide-spread and profound ramifications.  (And with each passing day, dysfunctional trunk-like tentacles constrict and impair more and more of the nation.)  Individuals and families are once again living on an economic-political and psychological precipice.

As a friend and federal employee passionately noted after the Navy Yard horror, some system-wide support, including timely information updates, more than just water cooler discussion and rumor, would have been vital to help federal employees cope with their own emotions as well as the status of family, friends, and colleagues.  In her (national security) shop, “no one talked about their feelings or concerns…I was crying and praying for families and friends.”  And one suspects she and many others are praying such a rampage does not happen again.

The Rise of Grief Ghosts and the Need for Grief Groups

Not surprisingly, this current intersection of crises stirs memories related to previous shutdowns or threats as well as previous shootings (e.g., the sniper-related reign of terror back in 2002).  Grief ghosts will likely be walking the halls and cubes of government buildings as well as in basements and warehouses for the foreseeable future.  Employees won’t just be burnt up; many will be feeling burnt out!

When this brinksmanship finally ends, there will be numbers of employees who will not be able to return to “business as usual.”  While some individuals may benefit from counseling services through the federal Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), federal agencies can send a much more positive and proactive message.  Agencies need to recognize the normative nature of trauma-induced or trauma-related stress as well as the tension inherent in repeated exposure to critical uncertainty.  Large numbers of people may need time to vent and share with their colleagues, including the need for some communal grief work and emotional/team support. Please consider the following intervention/prevention steps for positively moving and supporting people through this challenging if not crisis-riddled time:

1.  Management Training:  Helping managers and supervisors understand the impact of the challenges and crises hitting federal employees today, including the likelihood of stress-induced or trauma-like echoes.  Also, we know that individuals carrying around their own personal pressures and tensions, not related to the recent upheavals, can become quite anxious or agitated, may feel more out of control, during such a stormy period. Such training will enable management personnel to more compassionately, effectively, and efficiently recognize and reach out to employees needing collegial or professional assistance.  This training would also help managers facilitate some team sharing and support.  Of course, some of the management personnel may need their own counseling, coaching, or emotional bolstering.  Again, many folks are uncomfortable reaching out to the EAP.  This strategic step would provide an additional resource.

2.  Employee Support.  Two forms of employee support come to mind:

a. All Hands Meetings – this would provide some of the content mentioned above; again, it’s a way of disseminating to the branch or division, as a community vital information and to acknowledge the recent confusion and chaos; sharing and grieving is seen as normal and natural; a 30-60 minute session seems appropriate

b. Support Groups – these groups would be voluntary and smaller in number (based on my experience as a stress and critical incident consultant, group size should not exceed fifteen).  And, if given sufficient time, say one half-day, some truly productive grieving, problem-solving, and individual/team healing can occur.  And this setting will enable a trained facilitator to identify and encourage individuals needing more emotional support to seek appropriate assistance.

The bottom line:  Through no fault of their own, federal employees are caught in a political crossfire.  Eventually, appropriate follow-up debriefing and/or additional support will be needed.  The above interventions will help employees be more resilient in managing the aftermath of these stressors; people will sooner be able to productively resume their missions, roles and responsibilities.  And in contrast to the factions of dysfunctional and erosive stalemate, federal management will be perceived as a proactive and constructive force for the greater good.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, “The Stress Doc” ™

Stress and Critical Incident Consultant

stressdoc@aol.com

www.stressdoc.com

The Missing Parent Syndrome (MPS): How Psychosocial Loss Impacts Adult Children & Strategies for Building Bridges and Reworking the Grief – Pt I

Two recent events reminded me of what I am dubbing “MPS” – the Missing Parent Syndrome.  The parent is not literally missing; more MPS reflects a sudden, overwhelming event or illness, and/or chronic condition (e.g., a serious stroke, perhaps with lingering post-depressive symptoms, or ongoing dysfunctional substance abuse, maybe even severe workaholic patterns, etc.) that affect mind-body-psyche health, feeling of fragility vs. hardiness, sense of self, and capacity for mature engagement with others.

In addition, the Missing Parent may be away for lengthy periods of time because of the type of work; think of a mother or father in or employed by the military stationed overseas.  Of course, a person temporarily living outside the family doesn’t automatically breed an MPS scenario.  However, upon the MP’s return, if this individual and/or the family have prolonged difficulty with reintegrating healthy partner-parental roles, the extended household may be sowing MPS seeds.

The MP just cannot be as emotionally available as they were before the bio-psycho-social turning point.  There’s a new or exaggerated self-centeredness, callousness, or pronounced cautiousness; their defensive and self-protective walls have gone up limiting give and take openness and authenticity.  The MP will push you away – passively or aggressively – if you get too close to their pain or shame.  And if the pattern persists, what may have been a psychological-interpersonal problem for the child can take on biochemical dimensions, including states of intense agitation, aggression, and/or depression.  And this phenomenon is particularly pronounced and hurtful when the parent is still physically present in the child’s life.  Also, MPS may involve adult children of almost any age as much as youngsters and teens.

Let me provide some “Missing Parent” examples, along with key family dynamics, followed by some MSP intervention strategies:

1.  Lonely, Wounded Mother and “Clinging” Son.  A Supervisor, who I’ll call Eric, in a recent workshop with five other management-level colleagues, shared how his once vital mother (now in her 50s) has become depressed, has gained considerable weight, and mostly stays at home.  Actually, it’s been ten years since she really has been that vibrant fun loving woman Eric once knew and still longs for.  Ten years ago this late 20s gentlemen left for the military.  Also, his younger brother graduated high school and was spending less time at home.  More recently, Eric has become engaged and his fiancée is expecting.  He did not mention any involvement between his mother and his fiancée.

In addition to the family separation issues, I suspect “grief ghosts” were rearing and roaring.  The oldest son’s father had left the household when he was one.  The father eventually remarried and there has been really no involvement with the family.  For this man, the mother, not the father, is the “missing parent.”

However, the mother has always been bitter about the loss; and I’m sure her ex’s remarrying only added that proverbial salt to the wound.  In fact, over the years Eric shared how his mother would scold him for behaving “like his father.”  He acknowledged looking like his father.  Still, when Eric drives fifty miles to be with his mother, this young man can’t understand why she won’t make an effort to get dressed or doesn’t want to go out and have a good time.  In addition to not understanding her depression, he refuses to recognize that his mom, at least for the foreseeable future, will not be recapturing her former, seemingly joyful manner of living.  Not surprisingly, Eric himself is becoming increasingly depressed by the visits.  And, alas, he knows his mother will not seek medical assistance for her depression.

Interventions:  Logical and Psychological

a) Logical.  Not surprisingly, the group wanted Eric to “honor thy mother,” to accept where she is and just “be” with her.  A popular suggestion was staying home and sharing Chinese delivery.  And, of course, a vital component of mature love is placing another’s needs before one’s own.  (At the same time, one must be aware of possible unhealthy self-denial patterns, e.g., giving one’s self away and thereby enabling another’s dysfunctional behavior and decision-making.)

b) Psychological.  It’s vital to recognize that before a person can implement logical problem-solving, he may have to engage in psychological processing.  And in this instance, Eric needed to own his anger fueled by unrealistic expectations of his mother.  In addition to not understanding his mom’s depression, he is presently trapped by irrational anger.  But at a deeper emotional level, his anger distracts from a painful sadness regarding the reality of his mother’s compromised state and living condition.  And sometimes children can be frightened by role reversal – when a parent becomes less functional and increasingly needy.

In addition, it’s hard to say precisely what impact Eric beginning a new family is having on his mother; it is possible some old echoes (abandoned by Eric’s father) and fears of further disconnection are being stirred.  Of course, mom may be worried that she will be eclipsed by her son’s new constellation.

After much back and forth with the group, the true complexity of the family entanglement began dawning on Eric.  He seemed receptive about calling the EAP for guidance.  In hindsight, I wish I had more specifically explored or mentioned two resources:  1) does his mom belong to a church, and might a church member make a home visit? and 2) if contacted, a counselor from a United Way Family Counseling Agency would likely make a home visit, with the hope of developing a supportive relationship with his mother.  The longer term goal, naturally, would be getting Eric’s mom the medical and therapeutic help she needs.

And finally, counseling for Eric would allow him to grieve the lost “idealized mother,” enabling him to feel less deprived and burdened.  And with this step, he has a real fighting chance to become a more realistically caring son.  In addition, Eric spoke of a conflict with an older woman in the workplace that certainly had “mother-child” overtones.  When MPS issues are not acknowledged, disguised or misguided battles invariably break out.

And in Part II, I will do some exploration that hits close to home:  how the death of my girlfriend Diana’s 19 y.o. daughter, and Diana’s subsequent emotional devastation and withdrawal, impacted the relationship with her still living 17 y.o. daughter.  And why and how, nineteen years later, opportunity arose to:  1) revisit this painful “missing parent” issue and 2) clear up and clean up much of the wound.  Until then…Practice Safe Stress!

 

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote, kickoff and webinar speaker as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring, and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations.  In addition, the "Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National EAP/Wellness/OD Company.  He is providing "Stress and Communication,” as well as “Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for a variety of units at Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services.

A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.  The Stress Doc blog appears in such platforms as HR.com, WorkforceWeek.com, and MentalHelpNet.  His award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR).  For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

The Six “R” Road to Burnout Recovery – Part III: The First Two Strategic “R”s – Running and Reading

The Six Rejuvenating “R”s

1.  Running

My recovery plan quickly began once I stopped being an also ran.

A brisk 30 minute walk or jog – good for excess flab and mental fog.
Your body’s now a big vibrator; an inner “feel good” generator
Of endorphins and dopamine:  once again you’re “lean and mean”
Reducing the weight of personal baggage.
Pumping up vital organs with aerobic massage
Bring on that next rite (or is it night?) of passage.

With this mind-body booster; now queen hen or rooster…

You’ve had enough; time to strut your stuff
In the board-, class- or bedroom: Get set to zoom!
Hey research shows, when feeling fit
Beyond the cardio benefit
You’re more ready to do and enjoy it!

The Goal of Control:  From Stress to Success

Still…I’ll rein in the passion with one down to earth notion:

To be more in control, stick to an exercise goal.
When all seems up in the air
Despite all that effort and care
The birds of worry still nest in your hair
One piece of advice is always sound:
Get your head and feet back on the ground.
To walk your talk and clean up the mess
Make exercise a mark of daily success!

As a personal aside, I don’t always like to exercise.

Perhaps you’ll find the next comment curious…
I do, however, love feeling virtuous.  ;-)

2.  Reading

a. Playful

Now began playful and purposeful reading

For a mind needing some gentle kneading.
Reading for laughter in the face of “disaster”
Is so much more than a laughing matter.
Reading for laughs when the sky’s about to fall
Helps you step back; accept faults after all.
Humor means exploring “The Twilight Zone” –
Making connections when others see none
Breathing life into a burnt out funny bone.

The Senses and Choices of Humor

So try humor vision – view life upside down

Or the Yin-Yang position:  unite opposition
Now recover the smile inside a frown.
Hearty laughter is an intense inner jog
A chemical surge cuts through mind-body slog.
A sound oh so musical, stirring bonds most fraternal.
So laughing with gusto for sure is a musto
Really quite boffo for heart, mind, and torso.

Worthy of note, two books get my vote.

When reading for healing I was hardly a saint
My very first choice:  Portnoy’s Complaint.
Then a book for both a good laugh and cry
Browsing again The Catcher in the Rye.

For a gift that transcends even great wealth

Please take the time…read and laugh at yourself:
The most vital sign of emotional health!
------

b. Purposeful

Next up, a serious bout…trying to grasp my own burnout.

Few books were written, little was known
My quest for knowledge must be homegrown.
Was I embarking on a dark commedia?
Hey, back then there was no Wikipedia
Of course, today the ultimate criteria…
The groupthink wisdom of social media!

Still, a couple of reads planted hybrid seeds –

A fertile mix of an author’s ideas
Filtered through my own “growing pains” years.
Some hard-earned insight lodged between the ears
Now helped acknowledge subterranean fears
Even releasing a wellspring of tears.

From Nowhere to Somewhere on a Dare

I had opened a door; yet no plan to explore

Nor really sure what was in store
Other than needing an “incubation vacation” –
The gift of time for further reflection
To hatch a new path…alas, without direction.
When “where” or “there” are not clear, do be aware
Of that most curious “means vs. ends” dare:
You don’t know where you’re going…You just know how to get there!

© Mark Gorkin 2013

Shrink Rap ™ Productions

Mark Gorkin, the Stress Doc ™, www.stressdoc.com, acclaimed Keynote and Kickoff Speaker, Webinar Presenter, Retreat Leader and Motivational Humorist, is the author of Practice Safe Stress and The Four Faces of Anger. A former Stress & Violence Prevention consultant for the US Postal Service, "The Doc" is a Team Building and Organizational Development Consultant as well as a Critical Incident/Grief Intervention Expert for Business Health Services, a National Wellness/EAP/OD Company. Mark leads highly interactive, innovative and inspiring programs for corporations and government agencies, including the US Military.

Email stressdoc@aol.com for his popular free newsletter & info on speaking programs and phone coaching sessions.