Examining
the broad parallels between how family dysfunction and immigrant status,
especially immigrants in the throes of transition stress, may affect
performance pressure, the Stress Doc puts a Nepali professional under the
microscope. The goal is to understand the dynamics of a recent high stress
performance situation, but not just for one individual. The Doc scrutinizes a host of factors that
may have wide-ranging influence on “insider-outsider” expectations and
perceptions, as well as performance behaviors and social/status interactive
patterns.
Family
Dysfunction Dynamics and Trials of Immigrant Transition: Performance Pressure
As my
circle of immigrant friends and colleagues expands and cultural understanding
deepens, I increasingly appreciate the everyday stressors that many new
immigrants experience while pursuing the “American Dream.” In addition, I’m seeing parallels with the psychological
pressures and tensions experienced growing up in a dysfunctional family. (I’m not saying being an immigrant turns
individuals and families dysfunctional.
In fact, I admire how hard most work in often demanding, if not
draining, situations and circumstances. Of
course, working exhausting hours or juggling multiple jobs may drive folks to
the burnout point. Then again, major
migration is often a source of tension, if not trauma, and in states of crisis
or trauma, highly disorienting and/or disruptive individual and family patterns
may appear, at least temporarily.
Depending on the quality of family/friend support and access to responsive
allied health/problem-solving resources, the angst, confusion, and uncertainty
may be short-lived or lead to more chronic symptomatology and regressive
behavior.)
12-Step/Outsider Mantra
Interestingly,
as a second-generation American, I see similarities in my own maladaptation to
a repressed and depressed, secretive childhood family life. I also recognize emotional-communication
parallels in the myriad stories shared in various 12-Step Groups. Shrouded in shame and stigma, the
dysfunctional family mantra: “Don’t talk,
don’t trust, don’t feel.”) However,
this mantra is also not unknown to groups feeling like outsiders, or who believe
they are safer, or that it’s easier huddling with your own kind. (Having others with whom you relate for
social/identity validation supports wellness.
Insularity and isolation is often problematic, heightening the sense of “Otherness”
or “Outsider.” And IMHO, today’s
threatening political climate only ups the insular-secretive-xenophobic ante.) Okay, compared to plain old dysfunctional me, for
those in the throes of major life transition – especially the being “a stranger
in a strange land” variety – stress and tension is likely magnified. Perhaps transition trauma has a relation to
psychosocial dysfunction akin to my comparative claim that Las Vegas is like New Orleans, but on steroids!
Parallels between Family Dysfunction and
Transition Trauma
So,
what are some of these pressure-packed dysfunctional-transitional parallels? Four that quickly come to mind (and expanded
upon after reading an interview with Dr. James L. Griffith, MD, a Washington,
DC psychiatrist who has worked globally with refugee families; see Marie Rohde,
“Global Mental Health, One Refugee at a Time,” Health Progress, www.chausa.org,
March-April 2014):
1) Mental Health Stigma – there’s
a stigma around mental health issues; acknowledging mind-body-spirit tensions,
depressions, grief ghosts, and/or self-defeating behaviors is a sign of weakness
and is shameful. When these issues are
closeted, they fester, becoming a source of dis-ease, if not mind-body
dysfunction. The not uncommon result is
a stigmatized individual and a family shrouded in dishonor. (Of course, when it comes to questions of
mental illness, suffering in silence and secrecy is often the preferred modus operandi, and not just for
immigrant cultures.) And, remember, in
many immigrant cultures, family identity supersedes individual identity, unlike
in the more individualistic – pull yourself up by those bootstraps – culture of
the US, for example. (Gee, what happens
if you don’t have a pair of cowboy boots?)
2) Underutilized/Undervalued – many
new immigrants, especially those formerly having significant professional-skill
positions in their countries of origin, often must grapple with working at jobs
way below their education and experience levels; talk about a feeling of loss
as well as the potential for erosion of one’s sense of self-worth and core
identity. Predictably, over time, if
feeling stuck, if inertia sets in, personal competence and confidence
diminish. And this pressure-filled
expectation is passed on to the next generation: children
are often burdened as flag bearers for a parent’s broken professional dreams!
3) Passivity vs. Perfection – not
surprisingly, feeling underutilized and undervalued, often leads to complementary
patterns: the first is avoidance, one is not adequate to the task or social
situation, or one becomes resigned to one’s station in life. Conversely, some reveal a compulsive need to
compete, often feeling their value as a person is being tested; there’s not
just pressure to perform, but one must win, if not be perfect. And to complete the vicious circle, the
pressure to be perfect can motivate an individual to give up or duck out of any
activity that might expose human imperfection.
4) Nostalgia vs. the New Challenge – the
classic immigrant challenge: how do you
hold onto the good of the old and embrace what is adaptive in the new – a “best
of both worlds” approach; alas, difficult to do, especially if caught in a
rigid, all-or-none mindset. The danger,
of course, is nostalgia, over-idealizing what we left and trashing the
new. Or over-idealizing the new homeland
and forgetting the old. When it comes to
past and present, can a person integrate both pros and cons in mind and
mood? As noted, 20th c.
American author, F. Scott Fitzgerald observed:
The test of a first-rate
intelligence is the capacity to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same
time and still retain the ability to function.
For example, one should see things as hopeless, yet be determined to
make them otherwise.
Putting Pressures to the Performance Test
Let me
share a recent experience that captures some of the above stressors, especially
related to sense of self and performance pressure. Our protagonist, BD, a married 40+ immigrant
lawyer from Nepal, is still grappling with figuring out his own
personal-cultural synthesis. Thinking he
would be returning to Nepal, he did not fully concentrate on improving his
spoken and written English. Alas, his
wife and son had other ideas. Because of
a divided focus, seven years in the States has not led to English proficiency,
especially in the speaking arena. Now he’s belatedly playing catch-up, hence
our coaching lessons.
Just
last week, a new challenge appeared on the horizon. As head of a caste-focused/human rights
organization, BD was asked to participate in a panel discussion on “Caste and
Democracy” for an invitation only conference sponsored by the National
Endowment for Democracy (NED). (The
desire to have open and frank discussion about many sensitive socio-cultural-political
issues was behind the invitation-only event.
I had to get special permission to attend.)
NED is
a DC-based international human rights/academic think tank; in addition to field
and scholarly research, the organization also provides grant money and funding
for human rights projects. (So, this was
an important opportunity for BD and his International Coalition of Dalit Rights,
ICDR. If not a TED Talk, it was
certainly a NED Talk. ;-) A number of
the guest speakers were from South Asian countries, nations where caste hierarchies/systems
still formally and informally oppress, allowing all but survival subsistence
for hundreds of millions. Alas, for so
many of these individuals and communities (called Dalits), birthright is destiny. Immediately
branded “untouchable,” often treated as leper-like outcasts, limited in their
educational-economic-political opportunities, most are consigned to a
stigmatizing, no, let’s say it, a dehumanizing role-status in their
society. (FYI, BD’s keen intelligence
and fierce pride, being a fighter, a need to challenge limits, a strong
aversion to social injustice, helped him break out of a caste-based upbringing. And, of course, you take your family-cultural
history – strengths and wounds, hopes and hurts – with you, no matter where you
go.)
When the Time Trial becomes a Test of
Time, Speech, and Self-Worth
In some
ways, the biggest presentation obstacle was having only ten minutes for his
opening remarks. But if I drill deeper,
a major drag was the heaviness of the psychological bag that BD, as a new
immigrant still grappling to find his niche and voice, carries around. And, of course, I am sharing this story
because BD’s narrative and struggles are not unique.
Before
examining these interconnected public presentation challenges, some background points. As a coach, (and a
schooled-by-hard-knocks-and-hard-earned-wisdom public speaker), my biggest
concern was that ten-minute window. Though
he had given public presentations before, in this forum, BD would have to be
concise and precise, choosing a select number of key points. (And, of the five languages that BD speaks,
English was not yet his strong suit.) As
a speaker, I know the truth espoused by one of those Englishmen of letters,
apologetically explaining his lengthy missive to a friend, thusly: “I didn’t
have time to write a short letter.” In
truth, a ten-minute presentation is more challenging than an hour talk. To be most effective, one needs to prepare
and practice, to tightly weave a beginning, middle, and closing. First, one must establish credibility. (I had
strongly encouraged BD to connect his personal Dalit experience with his
passion to fight caste-based injustice.)
And the next task, to succinctly diagnose the problem and posit some
strategic, “bullet point” recommendations.
There’s not a lot of room for mental meandering.
But my
state of angst was not simply about selection and preparation; I was keenly
aware of the issues of diction (choice of words) and pronunciation (clearness
of speech). Trying to get in too many
points would compel BD to quicken his speech, which invariably reduces the clarity
of his message. (I can’t help but think
of the elocution lessons of Eliza Doolittle, in My Fair Lady, slowly and painstakingly declaring over and over
again, “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.” My Professor Henry Higgins moment: surreptitiously flashing a “Talk Slow” sign
just before BD’s turn to talk.) Yet we
both believed that reading his talk would not be walking his talk: conveying
“passion” was more important than “polish.”
Not Walking the Talk
Alas,
my fear was realized, at least in the first go-round. Caught up in the moment, BD spoke too quickly,
at least for these senior ears. In his
initial brief panel presentation, BD mostly didn’t personalize his message,
didn’t select and focus on key points, seemed to touch on too many facets of
the problem (including challenging NED to become more involved with caste-based
issues, probably a good thing). Towards
the end of his presentation, belatedly recognizing something was amiss, BD closed
by reading quickly too many points from his written script. Unfortunately, overall, his pace of speech
meant I understood about half of what was said.
In a post-conference
conversation, BD acknowledged his early mistakes, but said he had chances in
the afternoon to more effectively personalize and deliver the desired message. Having to leave shortly after his initial
presentation, I was glad to hear of the recovery. And in fact, while still present, I did hear and
understand his response to a question posed by an audience member. In our day-after critique, BD acknowledged
that as the face of his advocacy organization, he must redouble his speech preparation
and pronunciation efforts. To BD’s
credit, his fighting spirit would once again prevail. Nonetheless, it’s important to ask: What happened initially? What scrambled both sound and image in this presentation
picture?
Presentation Post-Mortem
I will
posit both reasoned arguments and hypothetical questions. However, a bedrock for this analysis is the
following pith ditty: “Wherever you go/whatever you do, life journey baggage
comes with you.” So, what were some of
the key items impacting DB’s presentation?
1. High Stakes Setting. Obviously, when sharing your story in public
is important, as it was for BD – both for business and personal/ego reasons –
and there will be (perceived) significant consequences to presentation success
or lack thereof, performance angst increases.
Now an optimal heightening of tension tends to sharpen performance
focus; if tension is excessive (or, conversely, if the presenter is demotivated
or feeling bored), performance quality decreases.
Another
dimension, not yet explored, was my sitting in the audience. I had never seen BD present in public. Interestingly, in our preparation, BD shared
that his wife downplayed the significance of this event, noting that her
husband has given many public talks. But
then she added, “But you have a chance to make Mark proud.” At the time, BD and I both laughed. But maybe I was a source of pressure affecting
performance.
2. Insufficient Preparation. As noted previously, with a short
presentation, some folks mistakenly think you can be “off the cuff” or
basically improvise. BD was juggling
several projects that week; our inability to meet and “rehearse” until the day before
didn’t allow sufficient time to design a new KISS – Keep It Short and Smart – outline.
Just as important, 11th hour preparation precluded sleeping
on his presentation over the course of a few days. Rehearsal and sleep strengthen memory
consolidation.
3. Time Pressure. If you are well-prepared and have a game
plan, time pressure will enhance your energy, focus, and impact. Alas, the opposite preparation conditions
make improvisational performance a high-risk situation. And having previously given a longer version
of the talk, does not necessarily smooth the “ten-minute” path.
But
the issue is not only the selection of the content; for BD, under time
pressure, his English pronunciation became a stumbling block for message sent =
message received. The culprit was a
three-headed monster: lack of time to
get in key points prompted faster speech; faster speech prompted less clear
enunciation. And the final self-defeating
head…starting to sense things are not going as anticipated (perhaps reading your
audience’s response or lack thereof), reading notes at the end to quickly add
key points. To use a forest/trees
analogy, now your essential points, like distinctive trees, get lost in in a
tangled forest of words.
4.
Insufficient Streamlined Focus. You
have a much better chance to be informative and inspiring using my KISS
technique – Keep It Short and Smart –
by highlighting and fleshing out three or four key points, than to superficially
cover two or three times that number.
Somehow, I’m reminded of a quote by martial arts icon, Bruce Lee. Lee observed that when it comes to assessing
competition, he is less concerned about
an opponent that has 10,000 techniques than the individual who has practiced
one kick 10,000 times.
4.
Defying Authority. Some
reasonable post-mortem questions might be:
Why did BD not follow my suggestions to highlight a few key points and
to make a personal connection between his Dalit past and human rights activist
present? (BD was personally aware of my
experience and skills as a public speaker.)
Had time-place pressure upset his game plan? Was he defying his coach? Was he needing to put his signature on the
program? Was it a Frank Sinatra – “My
Way” – moment? If there was a need to
“prove” something, was it logical or psycho-logical, or maybe cultural…or all
of the above? Let’s further pursue some
of the above.
5.
Hot Button Effects. First
off, let me declare that I was not a naturally gifted speaker, as a youngster
or as a young professional (much too caught up in my fears and feelings of
inadequacy). So, I can relate to
performance angst contributing to BD’s uneven message delivery. However, I’d like to focus on the disorienting
source coming from a deep-seated place, not always self-evident. This self-doubt is connected to one’s own
essential and existential worthiness, especially when in foreign, if not alien,
territory. And one manifestation of such
doubt can be believing that articulating but a handful of points will not
establish you as a subject matter expert.
Getting both hypothetical and anecdotal, let me speculate:
a)
perhaps to feel more authoritative or, as likely, to believe he would be seen
as an authority, BD might have thought he needed to hit on “ten key points,
instead of three or four.” Another
Nepali professional resonated to a family message shared by many
African-American friends and colleagues over the years. To paraphrase, “To have a seat at the
dominant culture table you have to be twice as good as your white
counterpart.” This Nepali friend could
relate to an immigrant trying too hard to impress, to prove his worth, at times
to the detriment of his recital. Now
while the statement contains some hyperbole, I also believe, for many
immigrants and people of color, as well as for numbers who are products of significantly
dysfunctional families, depending on the performance arena and circumstance,
there is often some truth in this injunction.
And certainly, research supports the notion that members of the dominant
culture invariably carry around prejudicial perceptions about minority
cultures. All of the above can influence
performance expectation and pressure.
b)
another social-cultural dynamic in the room, was the presence of people from
India and Nepal, from the upper class/caste system, e.g., one scholar from
Nepal never had known any Dalits growing up.
Despite the NED invitation, might this be the loose equivalent of a
sports team playing on the road in a (covertly) “hostile environment” or
“Daniel in the lion’s den?” I suspect there’s
some social status tension for BD that can influence focus, even what he might
be willing to share, how vulnerable to be, whether to shed performance armor, how
willing to trust, a determination to “show them!”, etc. And, as noted, such tension, including
aggressive feelings, can also influence the need to prove one’s worth, adding
more info than is optimal, accelerating pace of speech, perhaps even deciding
to lecture those who mostly have “academic knowledge,” not life lived in the
trenches.
Closing Summary
For
me, writing this essay has been a mini-journey, exploring my own and others’ ethnic/cultural
diversity assumptions, biases, and unconscious motivations. I’m still cogitating on the myriad dynamics
that come into play in the realm of social status difference, self-other
expectations, as well as performance pressure and adaptive vs. self-defeating
coping. FYI, BD is also still reflecting
on what affected his performance. He
also eagerly accepted my suggestion that he write a succinct (ten-minute)
narrative linking his experience growing up in a “subordinate” caste society
and his drive to be a human rights advocate:
how does one grapple with the pain, integrate it as part of one’s
essence, not buying the oppressive label while transcending the “undesirable”
social-cultural injunctions. Finally,
how does an individual discover/design his or her own unique identity path,
create a position of solidarity with other progressive individuals and groups,
and challenge those holding on to status quo assumptions and power dynamics? Can’t think of a timelier question!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW,
"The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and
"Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and
Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health &
Wellness Initiative. He is also a "Leadership Consultant" for
the international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University, HQd in Daytona, FL.
A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal
Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team
Building Retreats for the US Army. The Doc is the author of Practice
Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in
a High Tech World. Mark’s award-winning, USA Today
Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was
called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio
(NPR). For more info, email: stressdoc@aol.com.
