What
does “high tech” mean to you? “Making our old ways slow and useless” or
“The far flung, wild creativity of our
plug and play connected world” (Joshua Cooper Ramo, The Seventh Sense: Power,
Fortune, and Survival in the Age of Networks, 2016)? No doubt, the physical and psychic landscape
and mindscape are being transformed by our always on and everywhere linked “Digital/Social
Media Age.” However, every once in a
while, time and space slow down, if not come to a sudden halt; and I’m reminded
of the critical importance of “human touch” in handling everyday life and death
struggles. Let me share two vignettes
where high tech takes a back seat to human touch.
This
week I did Critical Incident/Stress Management (CISM) work for a state
government agency. More specifically, I
provided Grief Facilitation-Counseling both in groups and one-on-one for about
forty employees who, just the day before, learned of the death of a beloved upper
level administrator/manager. The news was as sudden as it was shocking. R was forty-seven, seemingly healthy, married
with two kids. Towards the end of last
week, he went home feeling bad…went to the hospital…and by Sunday night, incomprehensibly,
he was dead from a stroke.
This
was a mostly blue-collar crew – equally divided racially, more men than women,
fairly wide age distribution, etc. Many
had expressed doubts about the value of this “grief stuff.” However, by the end of our session, all
expressed heartfelt appreciation. One
likened it to a family wake…where everyone has a chance to share a personal
memory about or a shared moment with the deceased. After people expressed their shock, or shed
some tears, or made a point of saying how R was not like some of the other
managers walking around, I guided the sharing thusly: What’s
one trait of R’s that you especially admired and might be willing to try and
cultivate in yourself and “play forward” with others? (In light of this universal outpouring, it
seems especially significant that he’d only been with this facility for three
years. Many marveled at R’s
personal-professional impact in such a relatively short period of time.) Consider their “trait” list:
1. He always listened, even when he didn’t agree
with you; he would think about your position, at the same time acknowledging he
may still see things differently.
2. He was always personally willing to help
resolve a bureaucratic or operational problem.
3. He would go to bat for you when you needed an
ally with the “higher ups.”
4. He took the time to get to know you
personally.
5. You always knew where he stood; he didn’t
play games (with your head).
6. Yet, he was fun-loving; a game player who
could take kidding, even criticism.
7. He went out of his way to drop in and talk
with folks, and for more than five minutes.
(One secretary expressed total surprise when, one day, R talked with her
for forty minutes about her educational-professional goals, encouraging her to
expand her horizon.)
8. He was concerned about your career and would
frequently be talking with you about it.
9. He treated everyone fairly and with
respect. (It was only after the group
session did I even discover that R was African-American.) And…
10. He made you feel special!
Inspired Musings: Endings and Beginnings
This
was a “Human Touch” gentleman in a “High Tech” world…who was truly curious and
concerned about his colleagues. R’s
essence touched hearts and minds, maybe even souls. Reviewing this list, I can only say, from the
perspective of the Jewish religion/culture, R would be considered a real “mensch,”
a truly wise and caring, a down to earth good man. One closing “human touch” observation: though today technology appears omniscient
and omnipotent, there are some human depths that still elude the digital.
Case
in point: my next vignette involves
human intuition leading to a “mitzvah,” another Yiddish expression meaning a
“blessing, or truly good, often compassionate deed.” (I wonder if the subject of death and grief
is a pipeline to memories of a language spoken in my childhood household, occasionally
by my parents, but especially by a beloved grandmother. A woman in a wheelchair, who lost both her
legs, first to medical incompetence, then, years later, to diabetes…A woman who
personified “human touch,” without speaking a word of English, and was truly a
“mensch.”)
Connecting the Grieving: Sisters in Sorrow
Shortly
after the group gathering, I had a chance to sit down with various individuals;
in this instance two experienced female administrators. (One had to leave the group session
early. The other was stationed at
another facility and had come by for an admin meeting. Both seemed to have close working relations
with R; the visitor knew him for fourteen years in other state agencies. The two women, roughly similar in age, had
never met; however, they had talked briefly on the phone.) Both women had cried openly in my
one-on-ones, expressing disbelief having seen R just the week before. One, with a sense of irony, even expressed
expecting R to show up at work, then exclaim it was all a “sick joke.” I was talking with the visitor when the
obvious hit me: these two ladies should be commiserating with and supporting each other. A new role – grief matchmaker was born!
I now
asked the visiting admin if her collegial counterpart might join us. A bit surprised, nonetheless she agreed. I jumped up, went to the other’s office, and
got quick consent. (I had made a strong
connection with her earlier.) Suffice to
say, the two symbolically fell in each other’s arms, alternatively providing
“lean on me” shoulders for one another. Perhaps
the seeds of a sisterly bond were being nurtured. And wouldn’t that be a fitting legacy: in this time of tragedy, two women having a
near-brotherly relation with R, discover their own kindred connection. All I
can say is amen and women to that!
Concluding Words and Question
A grief belief penned
many years ago: Whether the loss is a key
person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of
a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the
anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon
winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal. And by connecting
our authentic essence with a caring human touch, “the better angels of our
nature” will surely rise once more.
The Last Question: Must we wait for a tragedy to more purposefully and spontaneously engage
in “human touch”…to make “high tech and human touch” equal workplace
partners?
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW,
"The Stress Doc" ™, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer,
and "Psychohumorist" ™, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience
and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health
& Wellness Initiative. Leadership Coach/Training Consultant for the
international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University at the Daytona, FL
headquarters. A former Stress and
Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous
Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US
Army. The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of
Anger, Preserving Human Touch in a High
Tech World, and Fierce Longing…Fiery Loss:
Relearning to Let Go, Laugh & Love. Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online
"HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a
"workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info, email: stressdoc@aol.com.
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